


A String of Pearls

by SunflowerQueen1



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Body Dysphoria, Canon Divergance, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Intersex Loki (Marvel), Jotunn Loki (Marvel), Loki (Marvel) Feels, Loki Whump, Loki’s Kids, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Mental Torture, Norse Mythology - Freeform, Other, Pepper is a good friend, Physical Torture, Slow Build, Slow Burn, So is Rhodey, Thor is smart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, really really slow build - Freeform, slight??
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:54:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 30
Words: 225,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22858090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunflowerQueen1/pseuds/SunflowerQueen1
Summary: When his eyes opened, instead of the blades of grass that cut his hands and the soft breeze through his hair, there was only a grey ceiling and the smell of detergent from his sheets. There was no garden, no sense of comfort or safety, and there was definitely no Loki.He breathed in slowly and stared blankly, but not really seeing anything.So it was Loki he had been seeing for the past few nights. This whole time, he had woken up with the feeling that he was missing something important and now-.He paused. Now what? What did he do now that he realized who it was?~They were wrong about the New York invasion. Loki was innocent. Mostly at least.After new revelations and an imminent threat on the horizon, turns out that Loki is their best bet against whatever was coming. Problem was that no one knows where Loki’s disappeared to and to top that off, Tony keeps seeing him in his dreams. After too many coincidences and secrets revealed, he’s pretty sure he’s probably got in way over his head.
Relationships: Loki & Odin (Marvel), Loki & Thor (Marvel), Loki/Tony Stark, Tony Stark & Avengers Team, Tony Stark/Pepper (Past) Virginia Potts
Comments: 345
Kudos: 454





	1. Blue Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> I already have the first 17 chapters done and well on my way on finishing the 18. It’s my first serious fic in awhile so please bear with me. It starts off really slow. Comments and criticism is appreciated! #AStringOfPearls

Tony’s phone vibrated and the loud sound it made against the nightstand woke him up quickly, with a startle. The noise was horrible and too loud this early in the morning.

  
Despite his brain cloudy with sleep and a pounding headache, he knew that unless he wasn’t home, then it shouldn’t be ringing in the first place. All his calls went through Friday and there was a reason for that. It was too avoid exactly _this_.

Tony groaned and cracked open an eye just a smidge to confirm that, yes this was his house and not some bed he had fallen into with some forgettable face.

It was too early to be awake and definitely too early to be dealing with this bullshit. “Friday, please tell me who is calling this early in the morning?” Tony buried his face into the pillow, wincing at the light pouring in as Friday took his question as a sign to take off the dimming blinds he had programmed into his windows.

  
The light from his arc reactor definitely didn’t help matters either. Sleeping with it always left him seeing black spots when he woke up. He took a deep breath- well as deep as he could, considering that the reactor definitely took up quite a bit of chest space. He groaned loudly.

“I must admit boss, ‘early in the morning’ must have changed it’s definition to after 12 in the afternoon.”

Tony couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up at the witty reply. Count on Friday to make an unbearable morning seem slightly less so with a personality that couldn’t have been programmed. “Save the commentary for later.”

“Yes boss. It appears as though Shield is trying to get into contact with you. You had a meeting scheduled two hours ago that you have failed to attend.”

He stretched out over the bed, rubbing at his tired eyes as he tried to adjust to the bright light Friday let in through the windows. After a night of drinking away, wallowing in self-pity after Pepper and he had just come to terms that they should take a break, a morning with Shield was the last thing he wanted to deal with. Especially since he was certain that good old star and spangled cap was gonna be there shooting his puppy eyes at him and trying to talk about the events of what happened in that bunker in Siberia. Yeah definitely not a big fan of doing that.

“Why didn’t you wake me up earlier?”

He could practically feel Friday roll her hypothetical eyes as a snarky voice replied. “As I recall, you had requested that I refrian from interrupting your sleep with any non-lifethreatening calls or meetings.”

“Then why am I even hearing my phone vibrating in the first place?”

“It appears as though Shield hacked into my software to introduce a virus. One that puts down my safewalls enough for you to receive personal phone calls directly instead of through me. I allowed momentary access seeing as they took great lengths at trying to reach you.”

He would laugh at their weak attempt at hacking him if he wasn’t feeling like road kill right about now about now. “Nothing else? No attempt at stealing information or stuff? Again?”

“No boss.”

Tony sighed and sat up, feeling the strain of last night’s choices in his muscles and the leftover alcohol churn in his stomach. “Pepper, could you bring me a-“ He cut himself off abruptly, remembering just why he drank in the first place. The side of his bed felt suddenly cold.

The blanket was drawn closer, almost comforting, but not quite. A sense of longing settled deep in his chest and before he could spiral back into another hole of self pity, a soft whirring by his side drew him out of it quickly. U moved closer, lifting a claw up and in it, a plate with a glass of water and a couple of white pills for the pounding headache.

Tony reached out, drinking them both down quickly and patting his metallic arm briefly with a pleased expression. He had no idea how U managed to bring him a full cup of water and the right pills, but he didn’t really care to know. Unlike Dum-E, U was a little more competent, but he loved them both the same.

“Boss.” Friday interrupted his train of thought. “Director Fury is still waiting on the line.”

Tony glanced at one of the sensors and gave a short nod. He took shallow sips of the water, cooling his burning throat and taking the edge off the bitter taste in his mouth. Fury’s voice echoed from his phone, loud and clear. “Were you ever planning on showing up in the first place?”

Tony couldn’t help the roll of his eyes as the irritation that had disappeared, came back doubled. “Good morning to you too, dear. How’d you call directly to my phone?”

“We have people, Stark. You’re not as unreachable as you like to appear.”

He snorted at the bluff, but played along. Wasn’t the first time he caught them and it won’t be the last. Regardless, his paranoia wasn’t unfounded and it had resulted in stronger mainframes and firewalls. If anything happened, if the slightest code was tampered with, he would know. He had files with faux information created solely for the purpose of leading them in circles just to fuck with them. Maybe not specifically to mess with Fury, but those who ran the whole thing above Fury. But he wasn’t above putting Fury in the same group as the Council too. Giving them a false sense of security was a better option than showing his hand of cards too early.

“I have a good reason for not going.”

“And that is?”

“It’s boring and I have much better uses of my time. You’re not my mother, so quit nagging.”

“Then stop acting like a child.” He retorted through obviously grit teeth if the strain in his voice was any indication.

“Ouch. And here I thought you loved taking care of me.”

“Stark!”

Tony’s lips quirked up. It was all too easy to push Fury’s buttons and honestly, he had fun doing it. Despite his amusement, this was no way how he planned his morning to go. “As far as I know, I’m just your consultant. Not one of your dogs to tug around on a leash so I don’t see I have to attend debriefings if I’m not part of the team.” Tony listened to him with half an ear as he stood up and took his cell with him.

“This isn’t a debriefing. It’s something else and right now, you’ll find this has something entirely to do with you.”

Right. Because everything somehow had to do with him. A small explosion a block that had a strange energy signal down in a bakery? Call him. A mission in some remote location and it just so happens to have strange indecipherable tech? Call him.

Where were his capable technicians then?

Picking out a towel, he made his way to the restroom fully intent on cutting off Fury’s attempt at manipulating his curiousity into meeting up with them. Because yes, he was going to call it as it was. Manipulation. They knew well that his curiousity was his downfall just as it was his strength. All he wanted was a shower to wash away the stench of scotch and bad decisions.

“Yeah, yeah.” He said off-handedly. “Heard that one before.”

“Stark.” His voice took on a more tired tone. “A few days ago, something unidentified fell out of the sky just off the coast of Vermont.”

That made him pause in his step and he couldn’t say if it was fear that made him stop. At the very least, it could’ve been a bogey or a stray missle from a weapons manufacturer that he knew was in the area, but it could also be something from outside earth’s atmosphere. “So what are you saying?”

“You saw the news right?”

“Uh-.” Tony turned on the television in his room and switched to a random news anchor station. Sure enough, it was the same feed that’s been transmitting since that thing had crashed and still no idea of what exactly hit them. “It’s the only thing that’s been showing up.” He admitted. However he couldn’t say that he had placed close attention to the news at all, what with all the constant modifications he was making on Friday and his suits. “Is it the-?”

“No, but as I was saying, this isn’t something that you can miss. You’re going to want to be here for when she wakes up.”

He paused in his step with a frown. “She?”

* * *

They had relocated her to Shield’s base of operations and he had made the hour trip just to come and see her. She made a peculiar sight albeit beautiful. Humanoid in form, she gave off the strong impression of something otherwordly even if a lot of her was covered in bandages.

With hair that was a silvery white, it was a wonder how her skin was even paler. It would’ve put snow to shame. However, like frost-bitten skin tends to do, her cheeks, shoulders, and ears had a light rosiness dusting them and there was a chill that emanated off of her and seeped towards where he stood. It sent a light chill up his spine despite the hot and humid day. His skin erupted into goosebumps and he ran his hands down his arms to try and warm himself.

The cold could’ve just been the AC on full blast, but he knew better.

Honestly, he would’ve also mistaken her for just someone with extremely low melanin if he wasn’t one-hundred percent sure that she wasn’t human. And now that he was looking for it and was aware of her non-human status, the signs were fairly noticeable.

The ears, for starters, were really weird if he was being honest. They were like-... well he was just gonna call them Bambi ears since he didn’t know how else to explain them. Under her eye and above her cheekbone, little raised circles resided there like scar tissue, but in a way that looked like it was a birthmark rather than anything inflicted. The same looking patterns hid under the bandages on her chest and down to her pelvis covered by tattered rags.

He had pictures of the wounds in the file he was looking over. They were all equally nasty and gruesome, most likely life-threatening too. However, there was a particular wound on the side of her stomach that looked like it had been very precisely done. It was a clean cut with a strange symbol he didn’t recognize. He glanced up again to the woman separated by the wall.

They had the poor lady strapped on the metallic table, arms bound by leather cuffs and legs tied down. It was ridiculous especially considering the fact that she was unconscious and clearly not in any shape to fight. She looked like she had just literally escaped hell a week ago.

She was hooked up to a monitor that displayed a steady heartbeat.

Tony briefly wondered if the sunken in look the woman had was natural to her species or actually a result of starvation. It looked like one wrong move could break half the bones in her body.

It all felt surreal. It was like looking into a fantasy film and it hadn’t really set in that there was a live breathing alien just a few feet away. Apart from Thor, he wasn’t really eager to meet another alien so soon. Not after all the others he’s encountered so far who had all wanted to kill him. The Chitauri in general, Loki throwing him out head first from a window, and even Thor who had barely pulled his punches the first time they met. He wasn’t sure if Thor had forgotten that he was most certainly human and all soft skin, or if he really had intended to kill him.

“Tony.” There was a soft voice and he startled briefly. He turned to look at Natasha who wore a carefully blank face.

It was the first time they’ve seen each other since Siberia. She had abandoned him and went off the grid for a couple months until the higher ups had agreed to put James Buchanan’s status as a innocent under duress rather than a criminal. As a result, they had only put her and those that had refused to sign the accords on probation rather than behind bars. Now Buchanan was off in some hidden location and Rogers was back and so was Natasha.

God, did he miss her. Despite her silent and private nature, she was a friend. Or as close as a person like she could be. They stared at each other for a few seconds in a weird, tense silence.

It wasn’t out of hatred, after all he didn’t hate her. He couldn’t. She had his back for awhile before things went to shit, but he understood her as much as he didn’t. Shield was her opportunity to become a better person like Iron man had been his. He couldn’t fault her for her desire to follow shield even if it created this large gap between them. She was loyal. Just not to him. Then the Accords happened and then that was it. Their tentative and already fragile friendship had snapped easier than it had been to make it.

However, she made her choice and he had made his. No need to get emotional over a friendship that probably wasn’t really there in the first place.

She motioned towards a door silently, eyes piercing and gaze calculating.

Tony nodded, unfazed and used to it, following her into a large spacious room where a large monitor sat on the wall with live footage of the alien a few rooms over playing. Fury stood by the monitors, watching with a keen eye and with Hill at his side with a small amount of files, skimming through them and reading them out softly. It was a comforting sight, so normal even. Neither looked up at his presence, but it couldn’t be said for the others sitting at the table.

Not everyone was there, he noted.

He didn’t really get to know Wilson before the accords, but he knew he was loyal to Rogers without a fault. No lost love there honestly so he accepted Wilson’s acknowledging nod. Tony knew he still held some guilt over what happened to Rhodey, but Wilson didn’t bring it back up it. Especially since Tony had violently lashed out at him right after Rhodey had been injured. So yeah, he was fine without it being mentioned.

Then there was Rogers, who gave a strained smile and a nonchalant wave to ease the undeniably there tension. When he had first returned, their confrontation had been a little bit more than hairy so they’ve been keeping each other at a distance. Although he was happy not to talk to the guy any time soon, Rogers was undeniably still trying to mend things in an attempt to get the friendship slash professional relationship they had before the whole Siberia thing.

And there was Barton, sitting on the table, biting his nails and his eyes were a bit hard. It was like he was nervous, glancing about a bit and forcing his shoulders to remain relaxed. It was such a subtle difference, but he knew Barton enough to recognize it.

He was anxious.

There was something he wanted to say, but he wasn’t saying it. Maybe he was waiting or maybe it was something he wanted to say in private. Regardless, he caught his gaze and Tony couldn’t help the frown of confusion on his own face.

Barton had always been a neutral friend and the one with enough charisma to battle his own. But Romanoff didn’t seem partial to it so he was genuinely curious.

“Tony!” He heard Thor say. He cast his gaze to where the big guy was at the corner of the room and quickly making his way over. The smile on his face was wide and honest. He clapped a heavy hand over his shoulder and Tony let out a grunt at the hard, though well-intended, gesture. “It is great to see you here, my friend.”

His voice was soft and he placed himself between Tony and the others. It was almost like he was blocking their view of him. Thor’s eyes narrowed a bit with an unspoken question.

_Are you alright?_

He gave a small shrug that had Thor smiling compassionately at him. It wasn’t ideal, but at least he had a someone on his side. Tony shared a small smile, thankful for Thor’s concern and for his neutral stance on what happened in the accords. He was a bit of the bridge between him and the others if he was being honest.

“Good to see you too, buddy.” He nodded and Thor laid off with a brief concerned look.

Rhodey had his hands tied with some mission in Europe. Something about high energy pulses and a strange amount of deaths that may have something to do with radiation. Regardless, he wasn’t surprised to see him not present, but it must’ve been pretty important if that mission triumphed over this. But apart from him, he was surprised that Wanda and Vision were both missing. He must’ve been pretty obvious about his wandering gaze because Natasha spoke besides him.

“Off on government leave.” She took the seat next to Barton. “Wanda was given permission after getting into Ross’s good graces,”

How’d that happen?

“And Vision joined her.”

Now that wasn’t quite a surprise either, though he lamented not being there when they left. The least they could’ve done was say goodbye. What with everything he’s done? He bit down the bitterness. They didn’t owe him anything and he felt guilty for assuming that they did. Whatever. At least they had each other.

He nodded in thanks and ignored how her mouth twitched downwards very faintly. She seemed a bit disheartened at his lack of a response and he definitely noticed. He tried not to let that get to him.

He met Fury’s eye, putting on a cocky grin that he knew for a fact grated on his nerves. “Look I have a degree on engineering and physics, but I don’t think I need either of them to tell you that you have a real alien taking a nap just a few rooms from us.”

Fury’s mouth twitched, but Hill took pity on him and spoke up before Fury could. “She was livid when she landed so we had her sedated into an induced coma and we stripped her of her things.” She explained. “We’re trying to get her to talk to us. The WSC want answers and we’re on a time limit.”

Call him old fashioned, but he didn’t think that being sedated into a coma and waking up strapped to a metal table really instill trust. Then again, Shield was the same group that had waited until he was practically on his death bed to tell him that his dear old dad had the solution to the paladinium poisoning in his blood stream.

“Yeah, not good enough reason to just restrain her like an animal. She was livid, not trying to kill anyone right? And I can’t imagine she’d wanna tell you anything after this.” He muttered.

Fury sighed and nodded in concession. “We originally had her in a normal room, but when a few of my doctors tried to help her when she woke up, she reacted violently.” He nodded over to her position. “Don’t like it any more than you, but the higher ups get nervous so it was either restrain her or something more severe.” He motioned at the monitor. “I chose the former.”

Tony pressed his lips together, but said nothing. He didn’t have to agree, and he didn’t even have to like it, but yeah that made sense. Couldn’t risk other innocent people over one life. Well, he wasn’t exactly sure if any of those doctors were innocent, but still, in their eyes, he supposed a human life was worth more.

Inhumane if anyone asked him. But that raised a whole other array of questions. Was it inhumane if she was of another species? Did they have anything protecting her? He wondered if there’s been any changes or addition in regards to that. After all, it seems like other-worldly life visiting Earth here and there only seemed to be increasing with every year. It’d be strange for there to be no laws protecting them or whatever else there was.

There was movement on the screen and he dragged his attention to it. All that can wait for another day.

It hadn’t been longer than a few minutes after the doctors had injected her with a serum that she was twitching and shifting from side to side in obvious discomfort. He just hoped they knew what they were doing. She wasn’t human after all, so her physiology must be completely different. So what could react well with a human may not exactly work with her. The last thing he knew Fury wanted, was for her to die while under their care so Tony had to be certain that she would be alright.

“You don’t happen to know her do you, Thor?” Barton asked offhandedly.

Thor shook his head, frowning as he peered closely at the monitor. He was thumbing the skin on his wrist slowly as he thought, but after a few seconds, relaxed and straightened his posture once more. “I’m afraid not.”

“Well she’s an alien and you’re an alien so I kinda figured…”

“Dude.” Wilson sent him a good-natured look. “Just because they’re both aliens doesn’t mean they know each other.”

Tony huffed out a small laugh. Barton’s dry charm really did work wonders sometimes and he felt his tense shoulders relax minutely. Focusing on the slight tension of the room was not what he wanted to do and he was grateful for both Barton’s and Thor’s presence. It directed from what had happened before.

“Hello.” Said a voice from the screen. A scientist perhaps since she didn’t exactly look like a doctor.

The woman squinted and looked around with a confused, almost dazed expression. Instead of giving her a moment to grip her bearings, the lady continued. “You crashed here on earth a few days ago and as a result, were injured severely.” The woman jerked from the bonds harshly, lifting her gaze to the woman standing over her. “You also displayed signs of malnourishment and had severe lacerations over your torso and signs of past injuries. We took great care in tending to you, but-“

The woman jerked again, baring her teeth at the white coat and actually snarling at her, ears drawing back. The lady jumped back and looked directly at the camera with a concerned expression and hand down at her hip.

Fury said nothing and Tony frowned at his silence. Fury couldn’t have possibly expected that if she had been aggressive before then she wouldn’t be even more so now. But Fury, was nothing if not cunning, so Tony waited and kept his mouth shut for the meantime.

The woman bound to the table looked around frantically. Her eyes were clear from that sleepy haze now, but they looked wild as she clenched her hands and violently shook as she tried to escape.

Tony twitched in his seat, knowing that if push came to shove, they could just sedate her again. Still though, the way she desperately tried to get free and the noises of distress she made hit far too close to home for Tony to sit comfortably in his seat. He clenched his jaw and let out a slow breath to soothe his own nerves. He knew Natasha was glancing at him from the corner of her eye and didn’t intend to give her any sign of discomfort.

“Calm down ma’m, you’re perfectly safe-“

The woman snarled and let out a high pitched noise that grated in his ears. Tony flinched, but forced himself to remain calm. She was just freaking out, she wasn’t dangerous. After all, how dangerous could she be in restraints and as injured as she was?

There was no need for them to get involved, but he could see that they were itching to. Natasha and Rogers specifically, although Natasha was more subtle about it. Her lip turned downwards a bit and eyes remained firm on the screen almost like waiting for a sign to move, but Rogers tapped his fingers nervously against the table and his eyes kept going over to Fury frantically.

Eventually, Fury pressed a button on his earpiece and spoke loud and clear. “Calm her down, we can’t have her opening her wounds again.” He let go of the button and cursed to himself. “Pain in my ass…”

The doctors looked at the camera in the room before jumping into action. A few of them moved forward and held the woman down to avoid further damage to her wounds as one nurse grabbed at a stringe filled with a clear fluid.

Apparently ‘calm her down’ meant sedatives. Honestly though, he shouldn’t be surprised. Tony knew that Shield did things a certain way, but for all they knew, she hadn’t done anything to implicate that she was there to do something bad. His stomach churned as he watched the poor woman’s eyes widen in fear and her thrashing became violent.

“Fury, she’s just scared. She’s bound to a table and somewhere she doesn’t recognize. No one’s going to be happy with that.” Tony tried to reason. “At the very least, give her some space and time to adapt.”

Fury maintained a cool expression and remained firm on his decision. “If we allow her to continue like that, she could injure one of my doctors. I’m not about to risk it just because we didn’t want to cause her any discomfort.”

And yeah, he had a point, but if getting her to trust them was on their agenda, whatever the agenda was in the first place, then they were going about this the wrong way. Keeping her bound free and offering food and aid were a few good examples, but sedating her into submission just wasn’t one of them. It was inhumane.

“Look at her.” Tony pointed at the screen, feeling furious at their lack of compassion. “Does she look like she’s able to harm anyone looking like that? The only person she’s at risk to harm is herself. She’ll tear her stitches open.”

He caught the looks the others were sending him and frankly, he was a bit annoyed at the nonchalance the others held themselves with. They might not be completely okay with what was happening, but they weren’t exactly jumping to her aid either.

Not surprisingly, it was Thor who sided with him. Thor pressed his lips together with a stern look on his face. “He’s right. She is in no condition to fight and I don’t see how this is the right course of action. She will speak or she won’t and this isn’t helping matters.”

“What do you suppose we do? Let her go and offer her a slice of pie? She still attacked a few people earlier and there’s no guarantee that she won’t do it again.” Natasha spoke in a cool manner. “You know better than to take anyone at face-value.”

“Oh we all do, Romanoff.” Tony agreed easily though his tone was anything, but kind. “And I should know especially. I’ve had quite a personal experience in that field.” Tony quipped.

While he could see how his biting words affected the rest of the people in the room, he didn’t have to time to cherish it.

Rogers just sighed and rubbed his eyes, quickly bringing them back to the topic. “Tony has a point. This woman is obviously in distress and wherever she came from, it doesn’t look like she’s going to want to tell us what happened to her if we’re sedating her and tying her up like some experiment.” At least that, he could agree with.

“Let me try to reason with her.” Thor said. “I don’t know her or recognize her species, but perhaps she knows of me. It could give her a sense of safety.”

That actually wasn’t a bad idea. If they could get the woman to talk to someone she recognized, maybe she wouldn’t react the way she was now. Hopefully, then, things would go much smoother.

There was a silence as Fury pondered on a decision. Eventually, he raised a hand to his ear piece and called off his previous order.

The woman relaxed noticeabley the moment the white-coats stepped away and the syringe disappeared. It didn’t stop her from trying to squeeze out from cuffs and grunting in exhertion.

Honestly, he couldn’t blame her.

Fury pointed at Thor. “Five minutes. That’s all I can do.” He murmured. “They don’t like two aliens in the same room talking even if we’re watching. Makes ‘em nervous.”

“I ask of nothing more.” He promised.

Tony smiled at Thor in relief and he offered a short nod in return. He was directed down the hall along with Natasha who had agreed to be nearby in case things went south. Though Tony was sure that if things got out of hand, Thor would have it covered and there wouldn’t be a any need for Nat. Perhaps it was just so that Natasha could analayze and observe the lady up close rather than through a screen.

“I don’t like this.” Barton muttered.

Tony jumped, and glanced over to see Barton standing next to him. He was wearing a pensive frown and biting at the nail of his thumb.

When had he gotten so close? Regardless, he pushed away his surprise and glanced at him once before looking at the screen as Thor stepped into the cell with a soft easy smile as to not frighten the lady.

“What about this don’t you like?” He asked indifferently, though his astonishment was most likely apparent. It was off-putting enough that Barton would choose to stand by him, but to say that so casually? That was surreal.

If there was something he learned, it was that Natasha and Barton didn’t just say what they thought just like that. They were spies, through and through. Sure they made their dislike known, but they never verbally mentioned it without reason. But here he was, with Barton mentioning that this wasn’t sitting well with him.

Barton grunted. “It’s too… familiar.”

Had something similar happened to him? Tony looked at him, concern written all over his face surely. It should have at least crossed his mind. Barton, after all, was a spy and if he was caught, he was sure it wasn’t just sunshine and rainbows. And just because they had chosen different sides, didn’t mean he wanted Barton to have experienced anything like he had in Afghanistan.

“Are you-?”

“Jesus,” Barton scoffed, but his tone held no malice. “I’ve gotten lucky so far, so don’t worry. It’s just…” He sucked in a harsh breath, looking at the others inconspicuously. “What do you know?”

Tony tossed the vague question around in his head. He turned to the screen again.

Her face was carefully blank, but she didn’t seem to shy away from Thor like she did with the white coats. It was easy to see where Barton was going with this. “Want me to spell it out?” He whispered dryly.

The man nodded and accepted the answer, but the furrow between his eyebrows didn’t disappear, if only, it grew bigger. “I saw the same thing… awhile back.”

Tony cleared his throat nervously and quietly, but tried to keep a teasing and light hearted tone. “Torture roughly consists of the same thing buddy. I didn’t look so different back then.” His voice trailed off weakly.

Barton shook his head with a wince. “No. I meant-…” He let out a frustrated sigh. He looked just a bit desperate and his eyes seemed pleading. He was looking for something although Tony wasn’t sure what.

He must’ve found what he was looking for because he started to speak again. “Okay. The others-… they think I’m gonna end up in the looney bin. And I’m sick of those psych evaluations with those hardass and pompous psychologists that Shield hires. And if you tell me to go to one, I will kick you in the balls alright? And you have to promise me that this stays between us. I don’t want to go to another shrink cause you think I need help too.”

Tony bit the inside of his cheek and raised an eyebrow. Just what had he been missing since he broke things off with the team? Or had this whole thing with Barton been ongoing for much longer than Siberia? “I won’t. Not if you don’t want me to, but I’m not gonna lie. You’re kinda freaking me out. Do I need to be concerned?”

“No.” He said forcefully and then lowered his voice as Rogers looked over at them for a brief second. Tony straightened and cast him a small frown and Rogers ended up pressing his lips together and looking away seemingly in discomfort. “No, no. At least, not for me. Just hear me out first.”

Tony sighed. “I didn’t say I wouldn’t listen.”

Barton looked relieved, but looked back at the screen when Fury shot them a subtle, but scolding look. They kept quiet. It wouldn’t do if the others heard, though they were far enough that he knew the others wouldn’t make out what they were saying.

On the screen, Thor made his way over to the woman, standing far enough so that she wouldn’t feel so crowded. He began with introducing himself, but got no noticeable reaction. He was persistent with trying to communicate with her; asking how she was feeling, if she needed anything, or if she had any idea what had happened to her before landing on Earth. After a few minutes went by, nothing happened. She remained still and almost mute.

Fury spoke tersely. “Three minutes.” He was clearly frustrated. “Three minutes and then I have my guys interrogating her themselves.”

Fury sent Tony a look as though asking if he was going to argue against that too. Tony just shook his head and scoffed. He tried to think of something that would end better than Shield doing the interrogation.

Thor gave a curt nod of his head and turned back to face the woman. For a few seconds, the two just looked at each other and then Thor spoke. When he opened his mouth, a mesh of guttural sounds escaped from his throat, consisting of low and high pitched tones. She had no reaction to it either. He paused and began anew, another gathering of sounds, though this time it sounded like actual consonants that came out short and clipped, but still gibberish.

Holy shit, he felt astonished as much as he was in awe. So that was what an alien language sounded like.

Frankly, they probably should’ve seen that coming. She was an alien. From space. There’s no reason that she’d even speak English at all. It was only pure luck and coincidence that Thor just so happened to speak it, and by association, his brother too. But if there was one thing about this whole exchange, it was probably the realization that Thor knew more languages than they realized.

Tony huffed out a happy sound, surprised with how he was able to fluidly transition between languages, which all sounded distinctly different from each other. As Thor switched again, he noted that he was on his fifth language now after the first four failed to rouse so much as a twitch. It was easy to discern which was which because of the way they all sounded. They complemented one another as much as they were so inherently different.

“Tony.” Barton muttered low, just as everyone else was entranced by hearing what an alien language actually sounds like. “What I wanted to say is that, I’ve seen this exact thing before. The same pale and sunken eyed look, same injuries on the same places of the body, the same exact tears on the skin- not slashes like a sharp weapon, but tears. Do you know what a blunt knife does? It doesn’t cut, it rips through the skin messily, Tony. And that scar on the side of her stomach isn’t just a scar, it’s a brand.”

“So her torturer liked to brand people? I’m not sure what you want me to do with that. I’m not a dermatologist.” Tony clarified. He wasn’t quite sure he knew where this was going.

Barton scowled. “Yes. But her eyes were a darker blue, Tony. Before we picked her up, I was the one sent to bring her in. Her eyes were just like his. His and mine. And she had the same glazed and dull sheen when I saw her.”

He was talking about New York. He felt a shiver go down his spine at the memory. So she had something to do with New York, but the way he said ‘him’ didn’t feel like he was talking about Selvig. But Selvig was the only other man he was aware of, well who had some semblance of importance, that had been controlled like Barton had.

“Is she still…” He couldn’t help, but ask, despite seeing the lighter color of her eyes clearly through the screen. Barton shook his head and tapped at his head indicating something else. So not under control then. Now the bandage around her head made sense. Must’ve been a pretty nasty blow. “You think that, she’s in someway connected to-…?” But Tony cut himself off. No that didn’t make sense. If she was here to take over like he had, then she wouldn’t be mind controlled. And Vision had the mind stone, which Thor had briefly explained, so why and how she would be under control in the first place and in the exact same way made no sense.

“No. It wasn’t Loki.” Barton pressed his lips together at his wince at the aforementioned name. “There’s things that I saw when I was with him. I was angry, but after it was all over, I noticed some things that didn’t add up.” He shook his head tiredly. “He didn’t mess with my head, the stone made me feel loyal to him, he didn’t feed me wrong memories or mess up my mind. I know what I saw when I was with him and I don’t think he was working alone. I think he was working for someone else.”

The words came out scattered. The revelation was, honestly, even more surreal than what was going on a few rooms down.

“Tony, I was the one who treated his wounds and he was just as fucked up as her. I’m telling you it was bad and I’ve seen some shit. He was scared of something.” Barton’s face twisted in disgust, but he looked desperate. “Someone was strong enough to inflict that amount of damage on a literal god and I think we’re all glossing over that. Not even Bruce did as much damage to make him look anywhere near the picture he painted when I first saw him and even then, Loki was walking around an hour later. I know it sounds crazy, but I’m just saying that maybe things aren’t so black and white.”

Tony felt himself deflate. Barton hadn’t talked about his time with Loki even when everyone had pressed for information, but now, it was like a switch had flipped. He could see why the others would think he had been compromised if he so much as mention any of this. He almost believed that Barton had gone mad too if it wasn’t for that sincere and raw hopefulness in his eyes.

He searched hard for any trace of the same blue eyes that Barton had possessed under Loki’s influence, but found none. Perhaps the mind stone had long lasting effects, which could explain why no-name had those unnatural blue eyes that he had back then when she popped up, but this was Barton. How could he have gone against Loki, and now suddenly think that he was innocent?

“I don’t know man. This is all so…”

“I know, I know, just- if anyone can figure it out, it’s you. Maybe I am mad, but-“ Barton grabbed his hand and slipped something in it. He had to resist the urge to snap at him because one, he hated being forced to take things handed to him, and two, he wasn’t going to lie that Barton’s touch shook him up much harder than he expected. In the end, he just bit his lip and accepted it. It looked like a normal shake between two friends that didn’t look as misplaced as Tony thought it would. “Just answer me this. What color were Loki’s eyes when we shipped him off and when we met him?” Blue, his brain supplied, but that didn’t seem right.

“Time’s up, Thor.” Fury said. The whole conversation seemed much longer than five fucking minutes, but he was glad they finished before Fury could focus back on them.

Thor glanced frantically up at the camera. He hadn’t gotten a response at all from what he could tell. “But-“

“We’ll find a way through the language barrier, but right now, I don’t want you wasting any more time when we could be focusing on more important things.”

Like what? What could possibly be more important than this? Besides, Thor’s has a much higher chance of success than if they didn’t use him.

Thor’s shoulder’s slumped. Tony heard Natasha’s voice over the camera as she opened the door. “Come on, thunder cat.” She said and Tony smiled a bit at her use of the nickname. One of the many he had given Thor and one Natasha still uses here and there.

As Thor moved to Natasha, he paused, looking a bit pensive. He could practically see the cogs turning in his head as his mouth hung open. It was as if he wanted to say something. A look of realization came over his face. From his lips, a smooth sound flowed gracefully, biting like ice and yet soft like snow.

“If cursive was a sound, this is it.” Barton muttered.

He snorted at his comment, but there was no time for amusement.

The woman scowled and yanked at her chains. She understood then. Thor’s satisfaction quickly snapped into a grimace as soon as the woman bit out a few short words. Though her voice was like silk and the words in themselves sounded sweet, her tone was anything but. They were violent, harsh, and venomous. She struggled violently, to the point where she started tearing apart her wounds and blood began dripping down on the ground like a broken tap.

Thor was yanked out of the room by Natasha since his presence was clearly distressing her. He didn’t seem quite finished though as he shouted for her to wait before the doctors ran back in. As she tore at the skin of her wrists and scrabbled at table, she broke apart at one of the restraints on her arm.

Fury sighed and ordered for them to sedate her. This time, no one else argued against it, much less Tony.

She wasn’t trying to hurt them, but he knew it was futile. She tried to rip her other arm free, but the second they brought out the syringe, she went manic. The first shot didn’t do much and when the doctors panicked, they waisted no time in injecting yet another syringe with a noticeable stronger dose, she passed out within seconds.

Jesus, he cursed.

Thor was brought back into the room and seemed awfully confused about what must’ve happened in the time he walked in the hall to the room. Natasha patted his back and took a seat by Rogers.

“Well?” Fury asked, effectively cutting off the tirade of angry shouts over the morality of the situation. They were drugging her with an unknown dose without knowing exactly what it would do to someone like her. Of course now they saw how wrong the situation was. He silently fumed, but one thing was for sure, they had no idea what they were doing.

“I apologize for not realizing her partial blood before. I had assumed she was from Alfhiem, not from Jötunheim so I would’ve never expected her to know their language. I had never heard of Jötun blood mixing with someone of Aflheim and I thought it was impossible.” Thor exclaimed. “Though I fear that I may have angered her with my presence.”

“What did you say?” Steve asked.

Thor fidgeted, as though sheepish of what they had asked him. “I asked her if by chance she knew the Jötun tongue and then she told me that she would not talk to any Aesir. Although she used a bit more explicit words to describe us.”

Dissapointment over her supposed hatred towards Thor led to curiousity. Sure their talk hadn’t gone well, horrible even, but at least now Tony had an idea of what she was. That knowledge filled in a few blanks although there still was a lot left. From what Thor has mentioned, although in passing, was that Jötuns and Aesir are mortal enemies, although how that came to be or why, Thor never said. Any history shared of Asgard or other planets was sorely kept hidden. Apart from glorious battles of course.

“And now we have her sedated and with no chance of figuring what’s up with her.” Tony muttered dryly.

Fury sighed. “Stark, you’re going to have to make a translator.”

Tony bit the inside of his lip and made his displeasure obvious. “This isn’t my mess.”

“You’re here, so this includes you as well.”

Tony rubbed his eyes and ran a hand down his face. “I’m not an expert in linguistics, Fury. I can’t build a translator to translate a language I don’t know and that doesn’t even come from this planet.”

“Well figure it out. You learned astrophysics in a night; you can learn linguistics too.” Fury said. “I can give you a week and that’s it.”

Did he not listen to a word he just said? He opened his mouth, ready to snap at him before realizing it was a lost cause. If he argued, he was going to stay there for the next few hours and get absolutely no where. Staying here longer was the last thing he wanted.

Well, there was a bright side to this at least. His curiousity definitely came into play against him and he wanted to know about the woman and what her story was. But the main thing he wanted to know, was what’s on that drive Barton had slipped in his hand and what was he going to do if Barton was right that there was something going on behind the scenes.

“Fine.” He grit out. He patted Thor’s shoulder as he made his way out. “Come on Pointbreak, you’re gonna help me out.”

* * *

“So how many languages do you know?” Tony asked off-handedly as he stared at usb drive that Barton had given him.

“I know and speak all common languages in the nine realms.” Thor replied, playing with a leather bracelet on his wrist. He wore a wide grin. “While I learned and studied them, something called the allspeak is what allows me to retain all that knowledge without forgetting it.”

That was-.

Tony paused in his movements, hand outstretched to plug the usb into his computer. He glanced over at Thor who moved about with a curious expressio. He touched a few projects that Tony had scattered around. “That’s amazing.”

“My birth meant that I would someday, perhaps, take over the throne in my father’s place. Under the most strict and wisest teachers were my brother and I taught.” He took on a wistful expression.

Tony cleared his throat feeling slightly uncomfortable. Seems like Loki was certainly making a comeback today and it felt surreal to be talking about him after so long. “Probably become king?” He asked.

Thor shrugged. “Back as a child, before the truth of Loki’s bloodline came to light, we both believed we had equal opportunity to ascend to the throne. I have lived for over two-thousand years. I know about culture differences and major historical events, but my strength lies in fighting and battles. The royal court and upper classes loved me more, for I am what the Aesir believed as the ideal warrior, but the people of the town, farmers and weavers and such, loved Loki just a bit more and I never truly understood why.”

“Huh.” Tony didn’t expect that actually.

The huff that he heard sounded like a laugh as Thor agreed with him. “I know, it’s strange. My brother has a brilliant mind. Although younger than I, he excelled in lectures and had a cunning mind for diplomacy, getting my friends and I out of trouble more times than I would have cared to admit. He would have made a great king.” Thor bit his tongue, stopping his rambling rather short. “Forgive me. I realize now that I am only talking about a man who is not the same one I knew.”

Tony gave him what he hoped was a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry about it. It’s just… odd is all.”

“That my brother was not always so cynical as you remember him?”

Tony stuck the usb into the port and watched as Friday skimmed through the information quickly. There wasn’t much to begin with so it wouldn’t take long. “No. It’s just that you say he would’ve been a great king. He must’ve thrown a tantrum when he didn’t get the throne so reigning over us was the next big thing huh? The psycho- uh no offense-,” Thor frowned, but didn’t say anything. “Well he didn’t seem all that benevolent-like king material that you mentioned.”

Thor pressed his lips together and leaned against the table, knocking over tech that Tony really should’ve thought about when bringing Thor down to his lab.

“Yes, he was definitely different than the person I grew up with. However, there is one thing that I forgot to mention. Though I doubt it will change anything.”

Tony hummed in response, putting aside the information file from Barton’s drive without opening it. He wasn’t about to do that now especially with Thor standing next to him and instead began opening up images parts of the brain that allows for processing of sounds and determining speech. If he wanted to create a translator for the woman’s language, he had to try and break it completely down. Know exactly what makes it tick.

“If it helps, my brother never wanted the throne.” Thor continued, oblivious to the way Tony paused at that new snippet of information. “He would’ve become a great king, but he never wanted the crown, didn’t even really like dealing with so much responsibility or the weight of the crown. He hated diplomacy even if he was good at it. ‘Dealing with presumptuous and entitled babies dressed in royal garbs’, he said to me once.” Thor laughed time himself. “I remember it still, we were arguing and he told me ‘dress a hog in drapes and it’s still a hog’. No. He was much rather content with traveling the nine realms, spending time with-… ah it doesn’t matter anymore. He was much happier spending time by himself now, I suppose.” He trailed off rather weakly, leading Tony to ponder if he had been about to say his late mother.

He nodded at Thor’s words, frowning at the number of things that just kept making no sense. A power-hungry mad man who wasn’t interested in a position of power? An intellectual who hated diplomacy and princely duties and preffered freedom and independence? At least that’s he assumed princes’ had to do. Still, all those things conflicted with one another. No one just up and goes to another planet to rule if they didn’t want it in the first place.

Thor made his way over to the door in the midst of his silence. “My friend, do you mind if I take from your fridge? I find myself terribly hungry.”

“Yeah, yeah, go ahead. It’s always open.” He said absentmindedly.

His hand hovered over a file labeled a random generic mix of numbers and letters. He opened it and a pixelated photo of an underground bunker popped up. In the midst of a group of people in white coats and soldiers, stood two familiar people, both facing the camera. Barton with bright blue eyes and Loki, looking just as pale and sickly as that alien chick they have back at shield right now. His eyes were dull and glowed just a mild blue. He had to wait as the next image began loading.

“You know,” Tony muttered, barely catching Thor’s attention. “Did he even look like your parents?”

“Our parents.”

“Right.” He said nonchalantly. “Did he?”

“No.” He shrugged. “My Father had dark hair in his youth and he and I share share the same tan face, but I took after my mother the most.”

“Going off by you, was she lovely?”

Thor smiled softly to himself and looked downwards at the floor in rememberance. “She was ethereal. Golden hair, beautiful blue eyes, and a smile that I know my brother and I adored. It was the best feeling, when she smiled at you.” He cleared his throat. “Pardon my rant, I trailed off. No, Loki never bore any resemblance to them. Always different, too pale, too thin, too sharp, but I assumed he had merely taken after another family member. My uncles perhaps or even my mother’s side of the family.”

He hummed. “Despite not really being related, you both have the same eyes. Could’ve been enough to convince everyone you guys were related. Though I’m surprised no one figured it out, what with that Edward Cullens vibe he was putting out.” He dangled the bait in front of Thor, wondering if Thor would correct him, or just agree. Either way, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear the answer or not. Barton’s question echoed in his ears.

_Answer me this. What color were Loki’s eyes when we shipped him off and when we met him?_

Without looking at Thor, he could practically see the confusion in his face. “The same? His eyes are not blue.” 

The next image popped up. This one of Loki as he was chained up and led out of the penthouse. His eyes were no longer the same dull color. No longer blue. Tony’s felt his breath leave in one go.

“Tony, my brother’s eyes are-“

Green. They were green.


	2. A Lone Pearl and a bracelet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony is both juggling with making the translator and dealing with whatever Barton had given him just the day prior. He has a choice. Work to clear up Loki’s name, or throw the data away and move on with his life.
> 
> Thing was, as soon as he finishes the translator, what the woman reveals makes him think that the latter option wasn’t even a choice anymore.

During the entire time Thor was up in his kitchen, Tony went over the pictures Barton had provided him. They varied from images just showing Loki with a dazed and indisposed look and slumped in a corner, to images taken by a camera showing Barton treating rather nasty looking wounds that left Tony feeling rather sick to his stomach.

Those were definitely not accidental injuries and he couldn’t blame them on anything Sheild may have done to him after the facility collapsed in itself. Bullets didn’t cause lacerations or wounds like that. Those were inflicted, slowly, and painfully. Torture.

Barton really didn’t go easy on the photos and seemed determined to take as many graphic ones as he could. However, considering the fact that Loki didn’t seem too fond of removing his clothes in the photos, the extent of the damage was unclear. Only a few and rather blurry pictures revealed scarred tissue and what Tony recognized as the same brand Barton had pointed out on the woman; A tear alongside his stomach, hidden partially by his top and leading under his pants.

It looked like a symbol, like someone had taken their time to engrave it into their skin and yeah, looking at the picture and the scan he had Friday do on the wounds from the other woman, it was definitely a form of branding. It was also the most prominent. He couldn’t begin to imagine the pain that must’ve caused a scar that nasty.

Well… he brought a hand up to his chest, he _could_ begin to imagine.

He skimmed over whatever video footage he had of Loki and honestly, there was enough to make a decent case out of this. He had a reason for Loki invading, i.e. he was forced, he had Thor on audio saying that Loki was never interested in the crown and was a rather reserved person- which granted was just personal insight rather than evidence-, Barton’s photos, images that compared the similar states that both Loki and that woman at Shield were in, and lastly, he had actual footage of the moment Loki’s eyes reverted back to their green state. The footage consisting of the moment right before Hulk flung him around like a toddler with a toy and as he laid down in his crater with his eyes quickly losing the dull blue sheen.

But what now?

Tony slumped back onto a chair and ran a hand through his hair. His chest squeezed with conflicting emotions.

He could just throw it all away, pretend none of it was real. It had happened so long ago and he couldn’t change any of it. But he _could_. He could change it _now_. He had the evidence, he had Barton to back him up, only problem was, did he want to? Did he want to look back and honestly say that it was his fault that he got an innocent man locked up?

Well, not so innocent, but still. It wasn’t like he could blame everything on the poor guy. Jesus, what did they end up doing? He frowned and rubbed the tension in his face. There was bound to be some horrible punishment that Loki had to undergo and they had set him up for it.

“Shit!” No he couldn’t. No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t just ignore it. He couldn’t let that guy, as much as an asshole as he was, to take the fall that wasn’t completely his fault. And worse, because Tony hadn’t looked too much into it.

By the time Thor had returned, Tony had hidden the images and everything else relating to Loki. It wouldn’t be a good idea to show it to Thor just yet. Not when he knew that it would just break the poor guy or make him lash out at him. Either way, he had to be completely sure that if he made a case, it wouldn’t be tossed aside and have him and Barton thrown into an asylum.

“Hey bud, lend me a hand?”

“Of course.”

Within moments, Tony already begun on a basic consonant map as well as syllable shapes. Sure they were made for constructing a language, but getting a basic understanding of it was helpful in decoding it. He was using stolen footage from shield as a reference for the language. However, he understood that while the language was mostly coronal and uvular, it made for a pretty difficult combination.

Either way, it was a beautiful sounding language despite it’s complexity.

With Thor going over a set of sentences. over the alphabet, and a whole array of consonants, he had enough information to go off of and set to work. He had no need of Thor for the meantime and let him go. Apart from him, Thor was the only one who still had his own level at the penthouse.

Apparently he had an argument with dear old dad, something about not being able to attend Loki’s trial, and spent a majority of his time here and visiting his woman in New Mexico. Though he seemed much more content spending his time there, Shield had him close for when they needed him.

Correction- for when they _wanted_ him.

The other levels in the tower, where the others resided in once upon a time, were left alone to gather dust. Though they didn’t live there anymore, he couldn’t bear to get rid of any of their stuff, especially Bruce’s.

It wasn’t like Natasha or Rogers could walk in either. He had revoked access from them and could only enter upon permission from him and maybe Thor, but it depended. But the fact that none of them had even showed up to attempt it left a sour taste in his mouth. So it was just Thor and him living there.

Bruce was welcome, but after Ultron, he hadn’t heard of his friend in a long time. He sincerely hoped that something had come up and it wasn’t that he had somehow driven him away. Which was unlikely considering that they had been on the best of terms back then.

Regardless, he had Friday constantly on the look out for him and even scanning through Shield’s information to see if they may have gotten to him first. Never say he didn’t look out for his friends.

Though, if Tony caught wind of Bruce, then Friday had orders to hide his signature and cover his traces so that Shield wouldn’t be able to find Bruce if he didn’t wanna be found.

Eventually, Thor got tired and retired to his room.

The hours trickled on by quickly. Was the clock moving faster? The hands were spinning backwards now actually. And it’s ticking was loud, like a clap of thunder every time. Jesus. He should’ve turned it off, just throw the thing in the trash actually. But he remained watching it, fascinated with it’s movement.

Tony felt a sharp sting in his finger rather suddenly and he dropped the little welding device onto the ground. He cursed and stuck it in his mouth. The sudden movement had black spots moving about in his sight and his body feeling like lead.

“Boss, you’ve been awake for longer than 19 hours. I suggest taking a break as your sugar count is getting rather low.”

His stomach growled at the prospect of food. Although that did sound like a good idea, he didn’t want to leave his translator just yet, not after he had managed to sketch out the kinks. All he had was a small little chip, no bigger than a dice, with enough space to program the translator into.

He had a clear outline of what it would be. One end would be adhesive so that it could stick into the person’s temple to scan brainwaves and sound vibrations and it would send electromagnetic pulses into the other end which would be stuck onto the side of the throat. The laranx part of the throat, which, hypothetically, should mask the sounds produced and in turn, process and translate those words into the specified language.

So in other words, she thought in her language and the words came out in English.

Of course though, he had yet to build the small adhesive device so that the chip would slide in. But that part would be easy.

Tony stumbled out of his lab, debating whether to sleep first or eat. Or maybe shower because he was aware of the sweat and grime he was covered in. Maybe eat in the shower and then sleep. Or perhaps sleep in the shower and then eat. So many possibilities, he mused.

Thor wasn’t there when he entered the kitchen and as far as he knew, he wasn’t in the tower either. “Hey Friday,” He said through a mouth full of sandwich, “Where’d point break disappear to?”

“It seems as though he has left with Shield. They’re trying to use Thor to communicate with the prisoner.”

Tony hummed, finishing off his meal and moving to his own room. “Is it working?”

“About as well as Dum-E working as a reliable assistant.”

He snorted and his lips twitched upwards.

A few hours of sleep and a quick shower later and he was back to working in the lab. He wanted to get the translator done as quick as possible, but if he did, then Shield would press him into getting things done quicker because they would _know_ that he could do it. He contemplated making them wait far longer than they had to, but he wanted answers too.

Where she got those exact same wounds and their apparent relation to Loki were a few of the many questions.

Of course even if it turned out that she didn’t have a lot to aid the case he was building, Tony still had enough evidence to show that Loki was controlled by some other force and just her agreeing to part of the story was fine.

Though there was that hiccup with Loki’s eyes. Or rather, the color of them. It wasn’t as bright blue as Selvig’s or Barton’s, but it wasn’t his usual green either. Maybe an influence rather than outright control?

Regardless, he finished the translator. After programming it and having Thor speak in another tongue, he found it working perfectly. When Thor spoke, the words that came out in English, and at first Tony had thought that he was just speaking normally, but Thor had shook his head and said, “I’m thinking in the Jötun’s tongue and I can feel the words in my throat, but they come out in yours.” He smiled decidedly impressed. “It works, Tony.”

There was also the other part programmed into the translator. What use was the ability to speak the language if one couldn’t hear it? Unfortunately, Thor couldn’t help with that aspect. He already understood English so he had to hope that it would work.

A week exactly after Fury had given him the assignment, he found himself standing back inside the room with the other members of the Avengers. Technically, he finished the translator on day three, but they gave him a week so might as well make them wait.

He made himself hidden in the back, distancing himself from the others and relieved that Rogers hadn’t noticed him yet. He caught Barton’s eye and gave him a brief nod that had Barton’s shoulders relaxing minutely and wearing a relieved expression.

He had the information and case all set up, but he refrained from saying anything until he thought it was the best moment. He had to have some doubt so that they would all listen. Hopefully when that woman awoke, she’d be the one to instill it.

Carefully, the translator was placed carefully on the woman, who was now wearing a hospital gown over the remaining bandages. They had also relocated her from the cold and unforgiving metal table to a hospital bed. She looked better than just a week prior and her skin looked just a tad bit pinker. Perhaps that was normal, but he had no idea if it was.

The doctors had strict instructions not to interfere unless necessary. However, considering that their presence made the woman antsy, only one remained to keep watch as Natasha stood a few feet away with a blank expression.

They had her there instead of Thor because apparently the third time they had him try and talk to her, she said such horrible things that made him practically flee the room looking devestated. Upon questioning what she told him, he had just said that she had only spoke of the truth. Though what the ‘truth’ consisted of, they had no idea and by the look in Thor’s eyes, they thought it best not to ask any further. At least that’s what Fury had told him and Thor didn’t offer anything that day when he arrived at the penthouse. A short and clipped hello before going to his level.

If Thor didn’t wanna talk, that was fine, he wouldn’t force him to.

As they waited, Tony decided to look into what Shield had confiscated from her. Perhaps it would give him a bit more insight on who she was. You could always tell a lot by what a person had on them and it was something he remembered Howard telling him as a child. It was also a way to pass time and he didn’t have the chance to do so last time he was here. He wasn’t about to come back within the week unnecessarily just to check it out either.

“You said she had stuff on her?” Tony asked.

Fury nodded. Although seemingly annoyed with Tony’s flippant attitude, he had agent Hill hand him a suitcase and a few gloves.

“The weapon she had on her is something not from here on earth and the other item had traces of energy surrounding it.”

Tony slipped on the gloves and opened the case. “Or it could be just an old fashioned alien vibrator and the energy you’re sensing is just it’s- you know.”

He heard Rogers clear his throat out of embarrassment.

“Wow.” He lifted up the weapon. “This looks prehistoric.” He muttered. A dagger, no bigger than his palm, had a blade that looked more like the fang of a large animal than stone. The end was wrapped in a wiry rope that attached it to the elegantly carved handle depicting some sort of symbol.

That’s strange. He slipped out a pair of glasses and pressed a finger to the side. Friday quickly identified what the symbol was. “While the materials used to make it is unknown, the symbol is an Icelandic tome and a form of Svenfnthorn; which means a charm or protection ward of such.” He hummed to himself in thought and traced a gloved finger over the blade.

The end was rather sharp and the end was pointy. It was something that sliced through flesh rather than rip it and honestly, that was a terrifying realization. He hissed as the blade left a small cut. Yeah, maybe he shouldn’t have done that so carelessly, he noted as a small bead of red gathered on the pad of his forefinger. He stuck it into his mouth briefly and continued to examine it.

“It was generally put under a pillow to help someone sleep in the most adverse conditions.” Friday finished.

Or help someone _else_ sleep if the dagger was any indication. Regardless, it was fascinating all the same.

With a pop and wiping his finger on his pant leg, he lifted up the blade at Thor in a casual way, toying around with it as if it was- well- a toy, and not some foreign alien blade. “What can you tell me about this?”

Thor tilted his head and narrowed his eyes just a tad. “It’s a small tooth of one of the beasts in Jötunheim. An infant, I dare say, by the size of it.”

“Did you say infant?” Barton repeated, mute horror written all over his expression.

His lips twitched into a smile, but he poignantly looked at the next item in the chest. Though he didn’t reach in to grab it just yet, he felt rather content to just admire it. A simple leather bracelet at first glance, though upon closer inspection, his eyes caught the intricate runes decorating it.

Aegishjalmur, which was a rune for protection in battle, had a name that he couldn’t even begin to pronounce in his head let alone say. The other one was Vegvisir which was to protect the wearer from getting lost. Or at least that’s what Friday told him.

And it was great and all, but there was just one thing that left him baffled. It was a single brown looking Pearl embedded into it.

How did a pearl end up here of all places and why hadn’t anyone brought it up before now?

Suddenly aware of the trembling of his fingers, there was an odd feeling in his chest at the strange nature of the bracelet. Well that’s new. It probably also meant he was about to go into cardiac arrest any second now. Okay maybe he was being a little dramatic, but still. That should probably warrant some concern. He pressed a hand to his reactor, trying to sooth his rapid heartbeat.

Although he shouldn’t touch the thing that was literally giving him such a strange reaction, he reached out to pick it up anyway. Call it having a death wish, but he was calling it out as it was. Curiousity. However, the second his finger touched the bracelet, a green wave burst throughout the room and sent everyone stumbling and not just himself. Like a roar of power and a sound of rushing water, the green wave engulfed the room and dissipated quickly like smoke.

He could feel the building almost tremble and the lights flickering harshly. It was like a lightning strike, violent and quick with it’s strike, but fluid and graceful. Did that make sense? He was definitely losing his mind.

He gasped in surprise, breathing in air like he was a drowning man. His arms tingled, his face felt numb, it was utterly overwhelming and he had to close his eyes to let it pass. There was an almost invigorating feeling in his chest, his arc reactor sent energy pulses and his lungs felt like they were taking in the cleanest air he had ever breathed. It was too much, too much.

“What the hell was that?!” Sam shouted.

Thor gripped Tony’s shoulder and hoisted him up. “Are you alright?”

He grit his teeth and tried to compose himself. The last thing he wanted was attention, but he was sure that his attempt to act normal looked more strained than he wanted to if the look Thor was giving him was any indication. “I’m peachy.” He reassured, standing up on almost shaking feet. It wasn’t exactly a lie either, he felt… great actually. He felt invigorated, like he could do just about anything.

“Agent Hill?” Fury asked.

“I’m checking for anything that might’ve picked that up.” She replied, bringing up any scans and camera footage on her tablet. “Cameras have been damaged as well as any electronics in the nearby area.”

Natasha looked over at her. “Are we completely offline?”

“For now.” She responded. “We have fail-safes for this though. It’ll take a few minutes, but we’ll be back in a few minutes. And then we’ll check what happened.”

Tony ran a hand through his hair. Nothing would come up on the footage. It wasn’t anything that could be seen, it was pure and unadultered energy, of that he was sure. As for energy spikes, he would be surprised if it wasn’t recorded. “I know what it was. It was an electro magnetic pulse. Something of that calibre has to have an insane amount of power to be felt like _that_. Its not something seen, but it had _color_. It was _green_.” He breathed out.

“Green? There was nothing of the sort, Tony.” Thor admitted. “You were directly interacting with it, are you certain you feel alright?”

“I- what?” So it had only been him who saw it. But how? Then maybe it wasn’t an just an EMP, maybe it was ESD. His reactor definitely could’ve reacted to it. And if that was the case, then by being in direct contact to the discharge, it could’ve affected his own sensory intake. He might’ve actually _seen_ what an electromagnetic puslse looked like on another level. “Yeah, yeah I’m good. I’ll just have Friday scan the bracelet back at my place in detail and see what I can figure out.”

“Now hold on just a damn minute.“ Fury raised a hand. “I know what that means and no. You’re not taking this. This is Shield property-.“

“No, it’s _her_ property. And you guys don’t even know what it is after you’ve had it for a week.” Tony retorted. “Did you even know it could do that?”

“We have the best looking over that thing.”

“Well not really the best apparently if they didn’t even know about that thing sending off energy signals like a beacon.”

He stepped back, bumping into Thor who had gone still and rigid next to him. His eyes narrowed in confusion as he caught the tight look on his face.

“Uh, Blondie? You alright there?”

With eyebrows furrowed and lips pressed together, he looked as stunned as he did mesmerized. It didn’t even look like he was breathing properly. It was almost as though he was lost in thought and everything else had fallen away. He leaned over to try and grab the bracelet.

“Woah, buddy that doesn’t look like a good idea.”

“Thor.” Rogers spoke firmly. “Just wait a second.” Thor paused and looked up at him, eyes intense. “We just saw what happened. We don’t know what touching it might mean.”

Thor clenched his jaw, but stepped back anyway.

“We’re back online.” And at that, the monitor flickered to life and the room with Jane Doe in it took over the screen. Hill spoke softly. “She’s waking up.”

The woman in question slowly shifted into consciousness and blinked quickly, groaning softly and scrunched up her face. She tugged at the restraints softly and let out an annoyed sigh. Well least she wasn’t immediately lashing out. Irritation was far better than aggression.

“Hello.”

The woman jumped and slouched up to look at Natasha.

Not allowing her a moment of respite, Natasha began quickly, getting through her sentences before she reacted and stopped listening. “A bit more than a week ago, you landed here on Earth. The ship that you traveled in was destroyed and it launched you out a distance away before you were taken out with it.” Her voice was cool like ice and her face betrayed nothing of what she may have been thinking. “You know Thor and we know that you’ve been through a lot. We’re only here to help, but only if you allow us. We can only do so much. Please. Let us _help_ you.” She said slowly.

The woman looked at her in surprise. “Midgardians who speak my language?” She asked dryly. She shifted and obviously noticed the translator attached to her. She looked back at Natasha with a deadly stare.

“It’s so that you can speak to us and we can speak to you.”

The woman pressed her lips together. “I am a prisoner.”

“We’re just trying to help you.”

“By strapping me up and poisoning my veins with your potions.” She hissed. “I’m nothing more than someone trying to get by.”

“Then we’ll let you go without a fuss.”

“Lies! You want only what I know.”

“Well what do you know?” Natasha asked. “If you think we only have you here for information then that must mean that you dohave something of value.”

The woman opened her mouth and then blinked a couple times in surprise. “I’ll admit, only few can catch me off-guard like this.” The woman shook her head.

“How’d you get here?”

“A ship.” She wore a shit eating grin, though her tired eyes held no malice. “I want my possessions.” She ordered.

“We can’t give you the knife.”

“Then just my bracelet.”

Thor twitched besides Tony. He bit his tongue to prevent himself from asking him what he was thinking about. If Thor thought it was crucial to share, then he would. He hoped.

Natasha tilted her head. “Why the bracelet?”

“It is of no weapon. Only of sentimental value to me.”

“There’s traces of energy coming from it. Perhaps if you would explain what it is, we could allow you to take off the binds.”

“Magic, woman. It is magic.” The woman said. “A good luck charm you might say.”

That must’ve snapped whatever patience Thor had. He moved angrily to the door, “I tire of this. All this talking in circles and waiting patiently when she _knows_ me. I’ve had enough.”

“Where are you going?” Fury demanded, but was ignored as Thor exited the room. “Thor!”

“Easy, Nick.” Tony muttered, ignoring the glare Fury gave him at having done nothing to stop him from leaving. He _was_ curious after all. “He’s probably going to the restroom.” He replied sarcastically, knowing full well that Thor wasn’t going there.

He didn’t even have to wait long because a few moments later, Thor showed up on the screen and opening the door of the cell rather forcefully. While Tony leaned forward in his seat, curious, he noticed Rogers was slow in getting to his feet, shifting back and forth as if contemplating going after him or staying to see what Thor was up to.

“Thor! Get your ass back here!” Fury ordered over the earpiece.

An empty slot in the case caught his eye when Tony glanced at Fury. The bracelet was gone and from right under his nose. That sly dog. He glanced back at the screen just as the sound of a loud thud echoed over the speakers.

Thor had slammed a hand onto the rail of the bed, but the woman didn’t flinch and met his glare straight on. One thing was for sure, that woman had balls. She kept her chin up and even when she was strapped, she seemed in control, like people should refer to her.

Natasha stepped infront of him and held her hands up. She hissed something to him and tried to nudge him back out to no avail. He didn’t budge and glared at the woman, hovering her almost threateningly. “Where did you get this from?” He demanded, the bracelet clenched in his fist. The woman made no move to answer, but her eyes glanced down quickly to it for a brief second. “From where did you steal this?!”

“It was never stolen, it was given.”

“It has runes that belong to _my_ people. So by whom?!”

“Oh who else, you dumb oaf?” She shouted. “Do you really not recognize me? I must admit I did not recognize you either, brute, but you have changed a great deal from that arrogant prick you were centuries ago and I have remained the same.” The woman watched as Thor took a step back, allowing himself to be pushed back by Natasha.

There was a moment of silence as Thor ran his eyes over her face and frowned. Then a flash of recognition came over his face. “Skadi?” He whispered, seemingly unsure.

“Mm, ‘bout time, Aesir.”

Natasha paused and looked between the two. “Fury?” She asked.

Tony glanced at Fury who had a cloudy expression then at agent Hill. “Bring both of them here. I think this is about to get a lot more complicated.” He told her.

____________________

“Jesus.” Fury muttered. Tony watched Fury rub the bridge of his nose and almost felt pity for him. Almost.

Thor was settled down next to him and Skadi, her name apparently, sat down across from them all, free from binds after Thor had vouched for her. She wore a deadly glare that almost could’ve made Natasha run for her money. Almost. “Alright.” Fury conceded. “Let’s start with introductions.”

“How quaint.” She muttered, but made no move to continue.

Thor shuffled uncomfortably and Tony looked at him. “You wanna start?” He asked him, not really phrasing it as a question.

Thor sighed exasperatingly. “We met very long ago. I was barely a thousand years old.

Barton choked on his water. Tony would have to ask just how old Thor was and what that meant in human years, but for now, he held his tongue.

“We were in a… disagreement.”

“His people murdered my father.” She said bluntly. Thor winced.

“Well,” Tony found himself saying. “I guess you guys don’t make the best of friends.” He felt Barton kick his shin under the table and he hissed in pain. “Yeah okay, sorry. Wrong time.” He grit out.

“Tony,” Rogers said. “We really need you to act serious.”

His irritation flared at that and he snapped at him. “Oh, you wanna see serious?”

“Easy boys.” Natasha scolded.

Skadi raised an eyebrow at him.

Thor sent Skadi a sympathetic look that she pointedly ignored. “Your father kidnapped one of our people.” Skadi just rolled her eyes in response and he didn’t let that phase him. “Well, we made her an offer. She was allowed to take her father’s body for a proper burial and we would both put the past to lay. Needless to say, Skadi was not happy. She agreed to it only if one of us were to make her laugh. A truly difficult prospect.”

“Make her… laugh.” Tony drawled out incredulously to himself.

The corner of her lip pulled upwards in amusement. It was no mistake, she had definitely heard him and he knew from the glance she sent him full mirth.

“So that’s great and all, but what does this story have to do with anything?” He asked. “How does that explain anything?”

“It explains a lot, midgardian.” She said. “If you are willing to seek it.”

Cryptic. Typical.

Thor lifted his wrist as a response, a similar bracelet as hers was there for all to see, though his had a golden looking pearl. Tony recognized it as the one he would fiddle with often whenever he was lost in thought or bored. “My brother is the only one who could have given her a bracelet such as mine.” He said. “It is no danger. It is merely a protection charm of sorts, only given to those he held close, though I had never imagined that he would give you one. I didn’t even know you two kept in contact after all these years.”

“We did. And I think your bracelet has expired, Odinson.” She hissed. “However, as the story goes, no one was able to make me laugh. Until, that is, Loki did. We remained close friends until this day.”

Thor ignored her jab, but his lips pressed into a thin line. “Though never have I seen the bracelet react in such a way. Your electric heart must have set it off Tony.”

“Maybe.”

A silence settled over them, tense and with questions hanging in the air. “Why so suddenly loose lipped?” Fury asked. “You were happy not saying anything up until a few minutes ago. You looking to follow in your old buddy’s footsteps? Because we’ve been through that and I’m saying it isn’t gonna turn out well for you.”

“I was content not to speak to _him_.” She pointed a finger at Thor. “And apart from him, no one else could understand me. I wasn’t unwilling to cooperate, but I daresay bondage is not a favorable kink for me at the moment.”

That drew an uncomfortable laugh from few at the table, although Tony couldn’t help himself from the bubble of laughter that he disguised as a cough. He picked up a glass of water to try and hide his amusement, knowing that it wouldn’t go over so well if he laughed right now.

“And please.” She scoffed. “If Loki truly wanted to, he could have taken over Midgard from right under your nose and you would be none the wiser.”

And yeah, fair enough. There was so many ways that Loki could’ve gone through with his plan, but he somehow managed to both gain as much attention as possible and lose even with a whole army of Chitauri and a magic stone that could control anyone he wanted. And he did that playing an act so flawlessly, it had taken years for _him_ to figure it out and that was only because of Barton who had given him the key to it all.

Thing was, why hadn’t Loki said anything after it was all said and done?

Skadi was still speaking. “However, we’ll all be dead in a few years time and I’d rather not spend my remaining time with the lot of you.”

Natasha bristled. “Is that a threat?”

“It’s a promise, though not of my own.”

“Who’s?” She pressed.

Skadi huffed out a dry sound. “It does not matter. I say you live your time out in ignorance and bliss. _He_ is coming and I know only Loki was able to outsmart him. Tis’ the reason you are all sitting here before me, but in his absence, I have no faith in our success.”

Tony sucked in a breath. He and Barton shared a look. “There was someone else behind New York wasn’t there?” He observed Skadi and the way she seemed to tense up as she set her icy eyes on him. It was all he needed as confirmation.

Natasha held up a hand. “Wait, have you been listening to Barton?”

“I have.”

“He was compromised.” She said, looking strangely annoyed with him. “Loki messed with his head. Memories of what happened back then can’t be trusted.”

Barton growled at her. “I spent so long mistrusting what I thought and now that I know what really happened back then, you guys told me to forget about it!” He angrily clenched and unclenched his fist. “Jesus Nat! Have a little faith in me.”

“I do. I just don’t have faith in what Loki may have done to you.”

Tony leaned forward, pushing his way into the conversation. “Barton isn’t crazy. Sure it sounds crazy, but things just don’t make sense.”

Rogers shook his head. “Stark, I don’t know what you’re doing, but you’re encouraging him.”

“It’s not encouraging if he’s right.”

“Enough.” Thor demanded. “Stark, I love my brother, I love him dearly, but he has chosen his own path. Don’t make this anymore painful than it already is and I am asking you as a friend.” He pleaded. “My brother may have once been a good man, but I will not allow you both to be swayed by what he may have manipulated in Barton.”

Skadi slammed her fist onto the table, sending the whole thing vibrating with the intensity. “He has no power here!” She shouted. “How can you stand to say such sweet words and yet continue to believe what you _want_ to believe?How can you possibly believe that everything he has done was done by his own hand? You needlessly point and put blame on things to make yourselves feel better than to face the truth that he was not himself. That Loki was never himself since Jötunheim!”

Thor stood up, bursting with barely subdued electrity as thunder rumbled ominously outside. His eyes stormy and jaw clenched, he held himself taut.

Yikes, that must’ve hit a nerve.

Tony stood up too and placed himself in front of Thor whilst his heart quickened with adrenaline. This wasn’t like before, if Thor lashed out, he didn’t have his armor to protect him, but he knew that Thor wasn’t an idiot and wouldn’t do anything to risk hurting any of them. Regardless of that reassuring fact, he mainted his ground firm and listened to Thor fume angrily.

“How dare you speak of things that you do not understand? He betrayed me. He let fire rain over Midgard and led his army to rule over the people.”

“And where did he get the army? He certainly didn’t have the stone in his possession when he fell.” She asked.

In the silence that ensued, a pin drop could be heard. Thor opened his mouth and closed it like a fish out of water.

Tony pushed him back into his chair. There it was. The little doubt planted in everyone’s mind that he had to latch onto quickly. “What do you mean by that?” He asked her, knowing full well what she meant. He egged her on though, hoping to get that little seed to grow just before he dropped all of the evidence without them trying to turn a blind eye.

Skadi didn’t sit back down and remained steady and unnerved by their attention. “The Chitauri are of no land in the nine realms. When he fell into the void, he must have landed upon their planet or been picked up by them. I’m sure that’s where he met the being known as The Other.”

She closed her eyes for a brief second and let out a small sigh. By the little shiver of disgust, she seemed fairly familiar with him.

“Loki is cunning and has a silver tongue yes, but not even the sweetest of talkers could convince an entire army to give up everything to take over an entirely new realm in a galaxy so far from their reach.” She looked at them all. “Thanos is coming and there is nothing you can do to stop him. He has destroyed civilizations and planets of warriors and innocents alike. Many of those who are much more advanced and have far greater weponry than Midgard possesses. Thanos is evil’s incarnate. You have merely captured his puppet.”

“I knew it.” Tony muttered under his breath.

Fury shook his head incredulously. “You can’t possibly believe this can you Stark?”

“I do.”

Rogers rubbed his eyes and spoke tiredly. “Tony, you have to realize this is crazy.” He motioned at the woman. “All of a sudden, she drops in and now she’s telling us that Loki was the lesser of two evils and that there’s a bigger guy who’s coming?”

Natasha nodded in agreement. “You have to admit, it sounds pretty sketchy.

Skadi thrummed her fingers against the table, face carefully blank, but she stared at Tony with an almost curious gaze. Tony bit his lip and stood up. It was a better time now then never. He placed his holographic screen in the middle of the table. “I’m not saying Loki’s the lesser of two evils. I’m saying that I believe that Loki intended for you to win.”

They all had varying reactions to his words from disbelief to outright hostility. He couldn’t blame them even, if he heard someone else say it, he’d probably be offended that Loki had let them win, or at the very least hadn’t tried too hard. The screen lit up and showed the file he had combined with Barton’s. He opened to the first image.

“Think about it. Loki’s been alive for more than a thousand years. The Norse knew about him back in the 9th century! He has a thousand years worth of experience in battles, right Thor?” Said man nodded weakly, his face scarily blank. “So there’s no way that broadcasting his presence would be in any way a smart move. I can’t think of a good reason that he’d want to reveal his presence so early.”

“Well I can think of a few.” Natasha added. “He wanted Bruce and that meant getting caught by us. We would’ve picked each other off so that Loki wouldn’t have had to do it himself.” She motioned to everyone sitting at the table and then to others who weren’t present. “He had Barton; he knew that we didn’t have that much time to build trust or even figure out how to work as a team.”

“Yes, I see your point, but really, there was no need for that. If he really wanted to take us down, he would have had his little minions plant bombs around and blow us up instead of giving Brucey a little meltdown.” Tony rebutted. “And what happened was that Loki left without Barton and didn’t even try to finish us off when we were weak and distracted with Bruce.”

Natasha pressed her lips together and leaned back in her seat. He took that as a sign to continue as she had expressed no other comments. “Or the fact about New York being one of the most horrible locations he could have picked, not in terms of population, but in regards to strategic value.” He added when Rogers opened his mouth to argue. “He had Barton to feed him information. If he wanted to take over quick and with high chances of success, he could have chosen the pentagon, the White House, or even any other foreign country and chosen an important location and start there. It wouldn’t have been hard. They would be overwhelmed and overrun within seconds. But he chose a densely populated city that would be bound to garner attention and where we were.”

“He’s the type of guy that wants attention, that _needs_ it.” Fury stated. “That’s why hechose New York in the first place. You said it yourself.”

“And I was right. But he could’ve chosen any other important landmark _away_ from us, that would still bring about the same, if not more attention.” Tony motioned at the hologram in frustration. “Las Vegas, Paris, the White House even! But no. He chose the one city that he must’ve known held the Avengers tower.”

Rogers leaned forward, doubt obvious in his expression. “So he wanted to be a drama queen. I don’t see how that makes him the good guy.”

“Yes, but then there’s these,” He pulled up Barton’s photos. The images, though conservative, revealed a few angles that had Loki without part of his top and being treated by Barton. “Unless he tripped on accident, there is no reason for him to have those wounds.”

He heard Thor mutter a curse under his breath and cast his gaze away with scrunched eyes.

It was probably hard to listen to and he felt sorry for Thor. Perhaps the photos shown should have been a little bit less gruesome to look at, but he knew that he had to milk it out as much as possible just to convince them. Though he could tell just how torn Thor must’ve been feeling.

Besides Thor, it seemed as though the images were doing the job as they all started to look a little grim. Fury, of course ever the collected spy, maintained his composure. Though it was clear that he wasn’t too content with what he was being shown.

“Barton.” He turned to him and he seemed a little surprised that Tony called on him. “Tell me about the first second you interacted with Loki. What did he look like, how was he acting, etc.?”

With a determined expression he leaned forward and his eyes got a little dull as he remembered. “He was all sweaty, and all around his eyes were bruised and purple, and his lips were pale and cracked.” He shook his head and rolled his shoulders in discomfort. “He was awfully clumsy too, tripping and losing his balance here and then. His eyes would go… blank. Like he wasn’t completely there and he was always holding his head like he had a pounding headache.”

Tony snapped his fingers and faced the others. “And listen, besides all those wounds and injuries, those symptoms are all conjunction with heat exhaustion.”

Thor’s eyes had widened and then he closed his eyes in realization, but he didn’t say why he had that particular reaction. “Fuck.” He whispered under his breath.

Tony continued nevertheless, “He fell into the void and then popped up at Shield from what we know, which isn’t a lot to begin with.”

The void had been another thing he knew they had asked Thor about back when Loki had first popped up and Tony really had no idea what it meant. Thor had mentioned a fight between the two brothers and then Loki falling into the void, but he hadn’t said anything more than that. All he and Sheild knew was that falling into the void was certain death and yet somehow, Loki hadn’t.

He caught Skadi’s eyes; cold, lost in a distant memory, and hollow almost. It was the same kind of look Loki had. One that held a knowingness. It was a look that Tony would admit that he himself had seen reflected back in the mirror after the New York invasion. He almost hadn’t recognized himself.

There was that one saying, if you stare into the void, it will stare right back at you, and he hadn’t known just how true that was until that moment. Which was led him to his next assumption. “It’s from where you came from too.”

She didn’t say anything, but her expression said it all. The quiver in her lips, the blank stare, and shallow breaths, he had hit the nail on the head. “But what I don’t know is, how’d you get here?”

“After Loki fell,” She began. “I was angry and conflicted. I traveled to Asgard to-… I travelled to Asgard, but I was not the only one there. A creature, I would later intimately know as the Chitauri, was there, sneaking into the vaults in search of something, I knew not at the moment.” She explained. “Shrouded in technology to hide from Heimdall’s eyes, he searched for the space stone, what you call the tesseract. Upon realizing he had been discovered, he attacked me and took me back with him. I was not aware that Loki had been in that prison with me for a short period of time until… much later.” She trailed off a bit sullenly.

Natasha leaned forward. “Then how did you get here?”

“Your bomb weakened the number of Chitauri and so there was less guarding me and many others. They aren’t the brightest either. All mindless puppets and I escaped not too long ago, but they have been following me since I was still under the mind stone’s influence. And they could somewhat follow that trail. But, it wasn’t as strong considering the mind stone had been lost with Loki.” She took a short breath of air and continued. “I was ambushed and found myself wounded in a ship hurtling through the galaxy until I happened upon your planet. And the injury to my head was the final strand.” She gave an acknowledging nod to Barton who gave her a grim smile in response.

Natasha nodded, seemingly satisfied, and leaned back in her chair.

“He has Seidr.” Thor said abruptly. “Loki is well-versed in the arts and he have most likely been successful if he had used any of it, but not once did he use his Seidr against us. He could have easily escaped on the helicarrier, transversing across planes and using Yggdrasil to cut between locations isn’t easy, but it isn’t difficult for him either and and he didn’t.”

Now that he didn’t know, but it further put Loki into a brighter light. Tony filed that information away for later.

Thor continued. “And now, upon going over my memories, I should have known that the lack of seidr that my brother used was slim to none. Either he was restricted or refused to harness it, but Seidr is like breathing to him so he would have used it.”

“Magic.” Skadi said in clarification.

Tony nodded. For now, he turned to Barton who had moved closer to the hologram. The file he opened was the conversation he and Loki had shared just before he had been thrown out of his own building. Barton looked over at him and at his nod of encouragement, pressed play on the video.

“… _a man with breathtaking anger management issues_ ,” His voice echoed through the speaker. “ _A couple of master assasins and you! You managed to piss off every single one of them_.”

The Loki on the screen smiled, the unhealthy pale face and unsteady way he stood from the torture he had undergone was now obvious. “ _That was the plan_.”

“He told us straight out. Granted, not really in the way we expected, but he did.” Tony muttered.

“Told you guys I’m not crazy.” Barton huffed. “He put an off switch on the damn device with the portal! You don’t do stupid shit like that if you wanted to take over the world.”

Tony raised up a hand before the other’s could voice any objections. “And before you guys say some shit like, he could’ve told us, well, he was mind controlled just like Barton.”

“No.” Skadi interrupted. She stared at the screen intently with a displeased downturn to her lips. “There is a reason for his eyes to not be as bright as the others, just as mine were.” She ran a finger along her cheek. “He was under servalliance. The mindstone does not only control, but it influences. It can allow the user to _see_. Loki had control over few things and yet he was smart enough to find a loophole. He played his role horribly and yet perfectly. Had he been fully under control, he would have had no room for such a bad and well-calculated plan.”

Tony took a quick sip of his drink before setting down the cup again. He gave them a smile that felt like a little bit too much teeth to be genuine. He kept his eyes firmly on the table rather than risk catching Rogers’ eye or Nat for that matter. “And yes, I have proof of that too.” Tony said. He showed the two images before and after Bruce had smashed him into the ground and even a slowed down clip, zoomed in to see the color fade from his eyes into green.

There was a short pause as Thor ran a hand through his hair. “I fear as though I may have made a terrible mistake.” He shot a glare at Skadi. “Why did you wait so long to tell me? Why didn’t you inform me of my brother’s innocence or of who you were when you first arrived? I fought him whilst he was injured!”

“Because it matters not. It is in the past and having me tell you about all this changes nothing. You still fought him, he was still sentenced, and I arrived here way after everything has occurred. What’s done is done.”

“Why didn’t he tell me of you?” He asked, with a hint of frustration bleeding into his voice.

“He didn’t tell you many things, Odinson.” Skadi sighed. “But I hardly think he will now after the sentence your father has chosen for him.”

“I’m not aware of it.”

That just made Skadi look at him with forlorn and disgust. “Then you know not what your betrayal meant for him.”

Tony slowly shut off the hologram and put it back into his pocket. His heart thrummed with left over energy from the EMP and from the adrenaline of successfully convincing them of Loki’s more or less innocence. Now it was just a matter of waiting.

A lot of answers had been answered by Skadi and even more was revealed by both Thor and her, even if they didn’t realize it yet. He felt relieved at having it off his shoulders, but he was sure Barton felt an even more tremendous relief after that seed of doubt had been freed after so many years. Better late than never he supposed.

“So…” Fury began. “You absolutely believe that Loki is essential to our survival? Do we absolutely _need_ him?” His tone sounded incredulous.

Tony watched as Fury shot a glance his way. “Don’t look at me.” He said raising his hands. “I was just here to try and give the full story, this is all news to me too.”

Skadi nodded, ignoring his comment. “Loki managed to outwit him, indirectly destroy a part of his arm, and remove _one_ of his main sources of power from him while he was under _his_ influence. If there’s one man who can do it, it’s him. I have no faith in our ability to survive without him.”

They sat in light of the revelation going over everything. No one said anything for quite awhile and as much as Tony wanted to think himself as a patient man, he was not. “So, I believe we start with clearing up Loki’s name.” He began. “Because as things are going now, we just sentenced an innocent man and I really don’t want that on my conscious.”

Fury laughed dryly. “What do you suppose we do Stark? The public won’t take too kindly to the knowledge that there’s something bigger and badder out there and that what Loki did was minuscule in comparison.”

“Well why don’t we work from the beginning cause I don’t plan on letting the guy take the blame for everything just because it’s easier and start with, oh I don’t know, how about, ‘hey guys, we fucked up, our bad’.”

This startled a laugh out of Skadi. “I like this one.”

“Thanks.” Tony grinned smugly at her.

“Stark you’ve handled the press, you understand how publicity works.”

“Then show them this. I have everything you need to make a case! I have images, I have a reason for Loki attacking, we have Thor saying that he didn’t want power, I have the blueprints of the device that opened the portal that had on _off-switch_. You have everything here. Add some of her testimony and that’ll be the icing on the cake.”

The others stewed over the information until Natasha turned to Fury. “Why not?”

“Why not?” He repeated. “I’ll give you a damn reason. The world isn’t ready for this information!”

“We can at least prepare it.”

“The nations will not band together so easily.”

“Fine then, one question,” Tony turned to Skadi. “Since we’re all clear that Loki didn’t purposely bring them over here, why did they come here in the first place anyway? We somehow managed to skim over that and are you really sure this Thanos guy is coming?”

“Yes I’m sure. As for why, Thanos is looking for the infinity stones.” Skadi mentioned. “When the universe was first created, six powerful stones were scattered across the universe. Mind, power, reality, space, time, and soul.” She leaned back in her chair. “With just two infinity stones, Thanos would already be the strongest being in the known universe. He came because he caught wind that the Space stone was here on Midgard and so he gave and lost the Mind stone to Loki and the Space stone is on Asgard now. Thanos will come for blood and he will not stop until he has found all six infinity stones.”

Fury turned to Thor. “Can you confirm the importance of those stones?”

“Ay. I have heard of them through passing, but my father has been adamant that they be hidden and that very few know of their existence. If he is looking for them, it would not bode well for anyone living in this universe.”

“What does he want them for?” Rogers asked.

Skadi frowned and leaned back. “He has a dream. I do not know what urges him to do so, but he believes that everything in this universe is finite and he is correct. However, with not enough resources and more consumers, the only way to keep the balance of life is if half of all living things were to be eradicated. The stones would allow him to destroy half of all life in the universe with a flick of his fingers. The number of lives that will be lost is unimaginable to even the most complex of minds.”

Tony cocked his head to the side. “How’s that for motivation?”

Rogers, with a bewildered look, glanced around. “We’re really doing this then?”

Wilson nodded. “Seems like it.”

Agent Hill stood up and faced the others. “I’ll set up a conference. Send me everything you have alright?”

Tony gave her a thumbs up and she left quickly after excusing herself. Honestly, he wasn’t sure how Fury could have done it without her. She was efficient and professional in a way that reminded him of Pepper.

Pepper who hasn’t even reached out to him in the time they’ve been apart.

However a sudden thought just popped up. The mind stone had been in Loki’s scepter. _Holy shit Vision has the mind stone._ His brain helpfully added. One of the six most _powerful artifacts_ in the universe and Vision is wearing it as a headpiece.

“I will have to talk to the Allfather about Loki’s sentencing and convince him of his innocence.”

Skadi sighed. “Good luck with that.” She said. “I really do hope you find him, but I fear that it may be too late.”

“What do you mean by that, my lady?”

“I’m saying that although your father may not have wanted a cruel fate to land upon Loki, the royal court may not have been so happy to let him off so easily.” She conceded. “I cannot be the one to tell you of Loki’s sentencing. You must bring that to your father. As much as it pains me to admit it, hearing those words should come from someone you trust.”

“Loki trusts you.” Thor said.

“Ay, as much as someone like he can, but you do not.” She twirled a strand of pale hair between her fingers. “I have given you all information, useless as it is, but I now request that I am set free.”

Fury nodded although didn’t look too happy about it. “You were never held captive.” She wore a dry expression. “However, your presence will not go unnoticed and we don’t have a ship that’s able to travel reliably.”

“The bifrost is working,” Thor admitted. “I could send you back to where you reside, but I must go to Asgard and plead for Loki’s sake and I will need you to be present.”

“The Allfather will not listen to the mere words of one who has shown her disdain to his presence. He will not believe my words without evidence. Not only that, but I am of Jötun descent. The Allfather may not have an issue with it, but the royal court will.”

“Show him what I gathered up.” Tony said. He slid his device over to Thor, knowing that he was intelligent enough to use it. Or at least knew the basics to show the files. “He can’t ignore what’s there.”

Thor, although wearing a strained smile, pushed the device back. “I am afraid not, my friend.” Tony frowned and looked back down at it. A question on his lips, but Thor held his hand up in a placating gesture. “He will not take evidence from your world. Or at the very least, the court will not accept it. I cannot explain its functions nor how it works and it may only serve to convince the court that this is another form of magic in itself. It’s holographic nature is similar to the illusions my brother casts.”

“So they’ll think it’s all fake.” He muttered. Of course it couldn’t have been that easy. It was Loki. Everything surrounding that guy had to be complicated. So unless he had some way of proving that it wasn’t Loki faking that evidence, they were at a standstill.

Well, they would be if Skadi hadn’t reached out to put a hand on his device and nipped it right in the bud. Her eyes intense as she stared into his own. “Unless you were to accompany us.”

“Though the Aesir and my father do not think of Humans highly and a bit more meaningless than I care to admit,” Thor winced. “You are held in higher regards than the Jötnar. Your voice _will_ be listened to.”

He let the words set in. Going to Asgard? We’re they kidding? The golden palace of the gods? On another planet entirely? He couldn’t have heard that right. He rubbed at his own ear and Just as the others began to raise a wave of questions and disagreements, he spoke without hesitation. “I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was already finished with this chapter when I saw and read that one post by Tumblr User: g-slash, talking about Loki undergoing heart torture as a frost giant and I just had to add it in last minute.


	3. Sanctuary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clearing up Loki’s name was both easier and harder than one would think. Either way, is slow progress was still progress and he also hadn’t expected that dealing with Skadi would be both frustrating and rewarding.
> 
> And tell him why on Earth is he having strange dreams about some mystical garden with a familiar figure in them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Graphic depictions of torture*

The metal floor was damp and sticky with blood and the copper smell was almost too much to bear. The back of his throat burned with the acidic taste of vomit and he shivered as the biting cold of the cell seeped into his skin. Metallic clasps dug deep into his wrists, rubbing his skin raw after so many futile attempts at slipping free of them.

Of course they had found him. Thanos wouldn’t have let him go so easily after all. The bomb that infuriating man had projectiled at them hadn’t killed them all. Few stragglers remained, but they still received orders and so there he was; Inside their ship, shackled and ripped apart piece by piece until Thanos’ arrival. But without the space stone, he had to travel for years to get to the nine realms.

But at least he’d have Loki there as a housewarming gift. Perhaps he’d nail him to the wall as a morbid painting or just kill him out of mercy. After all, his body would not hold out for much longer. As it seems, there would only be two options for him. Escape by some miracle or sweet death and the latter seemed like the destined path. A pity really. He still had so much he wanted to do, so much he wanted to say, so much he wanted to correct. Oh well.

He was snapped out of that particular thought as one of his capturers yanked him forward by the hair like some harlot. He almost laughed at his own thought. If anything, Thanos would surely make his time here seem like child’s play.

But way before the guard had entered his cell, the first part of his stay here was boring. He had been chained to this room and days went by, weeks even. There was moaning and groans echoing down the hall by other unlucky beings like himself, but he was needlessly alone with nothing, but his own thoughts to torment him.

He shouldn’t _want_ something to happen, he was unharmed, hungry, and deprived of his own sensations, but no pain had been inflicted on him. This was certainly better than whatever else they had planned for him, but if he spent even another minute in solitude, he knew he would snap.

And he did.

Loki was alright at first. He had maintained a clear head, rationalized through his panic and tried to go over everything in sight that might give him an advantage for planning his way out. Though with his abilities restricted via the Seidr-blocking technology that he could feel humming in the walls, there was only so little he could do. He had to maintain a level head, but after some time, even the physical pain grew too much and he had lost himself in the panic.

For an embarrassing amount of time, he desperately tried to break free of the chains in a manic, screaming in frustration to himself and thrashing about until the numbness seeped in. So now he hung there limp and wrists bleeding and heart pounding hard in the fear he had allowed himself to succumb to at last.

Finally, the door had opened to his cell and a masked, armored, and lanky creature, Chitauri perhaps, stood before him. His looming form promised something horrid to come. So this was where he was now. With the guard dragging him out by his hair and shoving him down the halls in blood and dirt and into another room.

Loki glanced about. It was a small room, but there were crying figures hidden in the corners and trying so hard to turn invisible while there were a few others that lifelessly blinked again the wall, their will long gone.

Shoved in with them, he soon realized what the point of the room was and the guard closed the doors with rambunctious laughter.

The engine of the ship roared to life and the power sent off winds he could hear coming through the vents and into the room. With a gasp, he followed one of the other prisoner’s example and pressed himself to the wall and tried to flatten himself as much as possible.

The wind that shot into the room was powerful and harsh, violently ripping many of them from side to side, flinging them against walls and whatever litter the gaurds would occasionally throw in from a small sliding window on the door.

This wasn’t torture. It was their own cruel form of jest and amusement in the middle of nowhere. It was humiliating and cold and there was no rest for him to find. He hands dug into whatever grooves he could find and his hair flew everywhere, knotting itself and growing even dirtier with the spit or other fluids from either the other prisoners or guards.

It lasted for hours and his hands went numb, face grew taut, and his mind went blank. The screams turned into low muffles and his vision went blurry.

Was he even breathing?

He hadn’t expected to be so disgraced like this. Humiliated, jeered at, and so filthy, was this what fate had in store for him?

He slipped into his mind, breaking away from reality to escape and when he opened his eyes, the warm sun beat down on his skin and soft breeze tickled his skin and face. There was no enclosed room, no chains, no screams. There was only peace.

It wasn’t his first time here. No he recognized this.

Looking over the ambandunt and beautiful sight of his mother’s garden, he knew this wasn’t real. He was hiding, locking himself away from the world because he was too much of a coward to face what awaited him.

He sat under the tree, looking over a book with unintelligible letters and pretended that he could read it and that sooner or later, his mother would walk out and pat at the stone bench for him to join her.

He waited and waited, but she never came. Maybe it was childish, perhaps even a bit pathetic, but some little small part of him that was buried away hoped for her presence. Hers or maybe even those he had lost long ago. A lover, a child, someone that he once called his.

He called out, but knew that there would be no one to answer. Was anyone listening? He needed to know that he words were heard. That he hadn’t completely drifted away.

He called out again, like a torch in the middle of a dark room, but the torch was flickering and it was turning into embers. He was just as silent now as he had been his entire life.

Screaming and shouting, he knew his voice ached with ferocity and cracked with his anguish, but his words made no sound. There was no one to hear it, no one to answer it. He was irrefutably alone.

Before he could wallow in self pity, there was a tug, a yank in his heart, and suddenly he was awake.

The sun and lavish greens of his mother’s garden, of his sanctuary, disappeared and he was blinking away dried dust and blood. Not his own, but of that woman in the corner, clutching her face and dripping red everywhere.

There was a jagged rock embedded into her cheek and as he slowly came to, he could hear her wails and he could see the side of her jaw missing. She was hysterical and frantic and her hands made an even bigger mess.

A click and the powering of a weapon and there was a sharp looking gun pressed against the woman’s forehead. There was only enough time for her to make a sound, a gasp almost, and then it was cut off as crimson splattered the walls and bathed him in hot sticky red. Her body slowly, almost comically, fell with a vulgar thud, but he could barely hear it over the ringing in his ears and pounding headache.

There was laughter. Manic and insane laughter. Who would laugh at her pain? But then he peered out from under his mess of hair and he could see dozens of eyes in his direction. They, guards and prisoners alike, were staring at the freak. With that realization, he became aware of the trembling of his shoulders and of vibrations in his throat.

It was _he_ who laughed.

The guard, his personal guard as it seemed, was hauling him to his feet and screaming in his face. His hot breath was vile and rancid, but he could barely bring himself to care.

He slipped in and out of consciousness; bathing in the warm summer sun one second and then feeling the cold metal of the guard’s weapon slash across his back. His clothes that had once become a symbol of dignity and pride were now hanging in tatters off of him.

The only physical manifestation of his superiority.

He supposed that in discovering his heritage, it had humbled him somewhat, but on the other hand, his self-hatred and need to be validated had constructed those violent and rather vulgar desire or belief that he was better. That he deserved to rule over Midgard. He had been susceptible to such thoughts and Thanos had known that.

He needed people to look up to him, to look at him in reverence and with the adoration he so desperately longed for. No he didn’t regret what he had done on Midgard, but he hadn’t exactly wanted it either.

He had accepted long ago that he would be detested for the simple act of living, so he needn’t add to it himself. He would be content with this role he had been given and by the Norns he would play the Hel out of it. He had to.

He had to.

Then why did he feel so much empathy towards that woman?

Manhandled into a shower room, the icy water than poured out felt more like acid than actual water. A dirty rag had been thrown at him and his clothes torn from him completely. At least before after his time in the void he had some semblance of who he used to be, but now he had nothing. There was nothing separating him and the other prisoners who were trapped here too.

No privacy, no walls, just peircing eyes and icy water. He could feel himself rot away like this, but he tried his best to clean himself. He glanced down at the rag in his hand. He had _some_ dignity left and he wouldn’t dare touch that thing. So with his shaking and aching hands, he tried to clean away the gore matting his hair and the crust clinging to his skin.

Pale, pale, pale. He was too pale. But he found he preffered it to the blue tint that his body turned under the subpar temperature.

But he couldn’t pretend it wasn’t _there_. It was hidden under his skin and taunting him.

He scratched at the blue on his thigh, a particular azure color that looked even more brighter and noticeable than any other part of him. It didn’t go away. In fact, it only turned a light purple and the blue spread. Repulsive. Loki cursed and felt the anxiety spike in his chest as he began to dig his nails into his own skin. He knew he was scratching far too harshly and his nails left harsh and prominent lines, but he couldn’t bring himself to care when the blue was still _there_!

Within moments, his skin turned bumpy and irritated like a rash and only when the skin turned red and pink rather than that other color, did he force himself to stop. He gasped and tried to force the vomit down his throat and focus on the freezing drops of water that fell onto his skin.

The sound of other people shivering and crying wasn’t helping matters though. No matter how hard he tried, he knew that it was just there. That it was just lurking and hiding under his skin like some parasite.

He could hold out. He took in a deep breath, but then he saw the brand engraved on his skin. The Other’s mark. It was revolting and bare for all to see. He thumbed the scarred skin and shuddered in disgust. It was there and it would always be a part of him.

He tore his eyes away, unwilling to even look at it, but he _knew_ it was there! Just taunting him and reminding him of what was to come.

It was that thought that made him bring his hands back to scratch with more vigor until he could feel the sharp sting and then pulsing heat rushing down the side of his stomach where he had put all of his attention to. Blood. The pain finally made him stop and he had to bite his lip as the blood dropped down to stain the floor. Norns it burned. The water soothed it some, but not too much.

The blood swirled down the drain and dirt and muck and he felt cold as he watched it lazily disappear.

____________________

Oh the chaos that ensued was absolutely worthwhile.

No one thought it was a great idea. Being sent off to an entirely new planet and make a case for Loki and prove his innocence was not at all what they had come to expect, he could tell.

But how could he not go?

He would be the first _man_ to walk on _another_ planet. Not a moon, but a _planet_. However, things weren’t so easy unfortunately. Although they all tried to dissuade him from going, because of course politics, they eventually agreed, but on less than fortunate terms. The World Committee Council had to be involved and so did the United Nations. They would depart in a week because a bunch of bloodsucking politicians wanted to put a whole bunch of limitations and make treaties with Asgard.

Why couldn’t he just go though? There was no need for anyone else to know, but Natasha had brought up the fact that if they wanted Loki on their side, he needed to be on good terms with Earth and their people. And what better way than to have Iron Man by his side and verbally fighting for him? But, it couldn’t just be Tony, or even the rest of the Avengers. No, it was too unstable, their voice wasn’t as strong as it was before the Accords. The higher ups had to be in on this, but if the general public didn’t trust the big guys, then they trusted the Avengers even less. So all in all, they needed the small boost and it made sense, even if he agreed bitterly.

That also left the problem of where Skadi would reside while she waited to leave with him and Thor. He offered his home easily, despite the others mentioning how bad of an idea that was. Well, all besides Barton that seemed to have his back now and argued for him instead of against him. He’d never know or understand the bond he had developed with Loki in that time, but he wasn’t about to doubt it.

They had agreed with the promise of hiding her until further notice, something that Skadi obviously didn’t agree with. But regardless, she kept her mouth shut. He and Skadi had gotten to the tower, leaving Thor behind to deal with whatever else Shield wanted him to do. Her reactions to the car and the elevator was pretty funny honestly. She’d claw her nails into the seat and then onto him once the elevator moved. She didn’t talk much, but then again, he didn’t think that after the day they had, he’d be so willing to talk either.

He showed her the kitchen, bathroom, and then her room. “Um- there’s a bathroom in your room too so you can shower if you want. Do you need help figuring it out?” He asked.

“No, I’m quite all right.” She murmured softly. “Although I hope you didn’t think I could stay in these clothes do you?”

He glanced at the clothes she was wearing. A pile of rags that she had first worn when she had first landed here on Earth. “Oh. Let me go see what I can find.” He left her to her own devices while he left to his own room.

He didn’t have much, but he couldn’t bring himself to throw out Pep’s clothes. It felt too final. Well at least now they were useful. Opening the dresser to his right, he felt his heart constrict at the neatly folded piles Pepper had left. It wasn’t a lot, but her suitcase could only fit so much and she had promised to come back for them.

She hadn’t.

Pulling out a white button long sleeve, he resisted the urge to put his face in it.

He had _some_ self-respect left. She was still his CEO, but for the past week, before everything with Skadi started, she’d avoided all contact with him for things about the company that she could do herself. He’d been more than happy to avoid her too. He didn’t think he could handle it just yet.

Hastily, the button-up shirt was placed back. He grabbed a soft pair of sweats and a loose tank. “Order some clothes for her, Friday.” He said.

“Sure thing, Boss.”

He left his room, clutching the clothes tightly and forcing himself to loosen his grip on it. The door was closed so he rasped his knuckles against it, waiting patiently. She opened the door, staring at him with those eery eyes and then down at the clothes. He held them out for her to grab, feeling his fingers itch to take them back once she did.

“Thank you, Stark.”

He shrugged his shoulders and tucked his hands into his pockets. “It was nothing.”

“Nay.” She said. “I am truly in your debt.”

“Do you need help changing your bandages?” He asked.

Her wounds hadn’t completely healed, but they had scabbed over which was a good thing. Her wounds had already been well on their way to healing when she had crashed and it had only reopened old wounds. Not only that, but she was healing at an alarming rate that was perhaps normal for her people.

“No need. I have it under control.”

“Well if you need anything, Friday can help you. Just speak out. She’ll hear you.”

Skadi made a noise, but she sounded distracted as she ran a finger along her bracelet. She had promised to let him check it at least once later in the week.

A silence settled over them and Tony watched her stroke the bracelet absentmindedly. “You two are really close aren’t you?”

“Indeed.” She said. “There is one man who I would give everything for. Make no mistake, he is known for his lies and tricks, but betrayed me, he has not. He is loyal.” Skadi took a step back into the room and held the door. “He would have liked you.” With that, she shut the door.

_Would_. She had said it in past tense.

Briefly, he entered the lab if only to have Friday do a full body scan. She found traces of an unknown energy source. It was like another heat signature, but in his own body. It wasn’t harmful as far as he knew, but it wasn’t welcoming either. It was two unfamiliar power points pushing against one another though it was more like prodding, rather than fighting. Curious and not at all harmful. At least that’s how he saw the data he collected from the scan. Unsure of what to do, he left it. He needed more information and perhaps Thor or Skadi would have it, but apparently this was a first for them both. There really wasn’t much to go off of.

He let out a sigh and went to his own room. Maybe for just one night he could relax. The mark forty-nine would still be there in the morning. He didn’t realize how exhausted he really was until his head hit the pillow and he fell asleep in record time.

_________________

There was a noise. Like wind blowing through the trees. A citrusy smell of something sweet permeated the air. Pepper’s perfume didn’t smell like that and he doubted that she would be coming over in the middle of the night in the first place. Though it could’ve explained the smell, it didn’t explain the sound of leaves shuffling in the breeze.

Tony slowly blinked his eyes open, fully expecting to see the dark ceiling of his room, but instead saw something entirely different. Between the dark leaves, a very soft light flowed down through them, casting small rays of orange down at him. Confused, but not concerned, he ran a hand across the floor. Blades of grass, a bright and _healthy_ color that he had never seen before, cut into his palms. He sat up slowly, breathing in the fresh air with lungs that felt just like they had when he touched that stupid bracelet. And _oh_ -

It was beautiful. It was a large garden abundant with trees that twined with other trees and flowers that climbed along the stump of the oak-like trees. The sun that peered over the pale, elegant walls cast its sunset glow over everything in sight, making everything seem that much more ethereal.

Slowly, whilst dragging a hand across the bushes, he walked tentatively, following whatever it was that drew him. Instead of a shock, his reactor sent a warm buzzing feeling throughout his body. It was comforting, rather than painful. He stopped in his tracks.

There was a tree that looked ancient and holy in nature. From its branches, hung tiny lanterns and its leaves were a dark crimson with golden looking fruit buried deep within them. That wasn’t the only thing that stopped him in his tracks though. It was the man sitting under it with his back turned to Tony.

The man was unfamiliar and yet the pulse in his chest told him to go there. He sat cross legged with a book in his hands, clad in a silky green tunic and equally soft looking pants. A dark wave of hair cascaded down his shoulders. The man seemed familiar, but he couldn’t make out exactly who it was.

“Hello?” He called out tentatively.

The man jumped and the book fell out from his hands. The words looked faded out and scrawled all over the pages and as he looked at it closer, realized it held nothing, but jibberish in it. The man slowly turned.

Just before he could see past the strands of hair, he blinked and then there was the dark ceiling of his room. He shot up in his bed in surprise. Gone were the trees and bushes and walls of the garden. He sucked in a harsh breath. The smell of bedsheets and soap replaced the smell of fresh air and flowers.

“Fuck.” He cursed and slumped back onto his bed. Why did it feel like he was missing something important?

__________________

They had a fight. Granted, it was only the second day, but they were already on each other’s toes. Skadi was skeptical, paranoid, and utterly frustrating to interact with. She was rude, blunt, and she had a way of talking that just grated on his nerves whenever he tried to help her.

He got it, Jesus, he was the only one who could, but she was so determined to make it hard for him to help. He could see the bags under her eyes, the jittery nature of her movements, the frantic way she looked around or even jumped at the slightest of noises. He wanted to help, but she was both bark _and_ bite.

“Will you shut up and let me help you?” Tony snapped at her.

He held the roll of bandages in his hand and pointed at the stitches that had torn open on her shoulder and was oozing slowly. In response, she had bared her teeth at him and said with venom in her voice, “No thanks.”

He sighed and rubbed his face, groaning out loud in irritation. “I am _trying_ to help you!” He muttered. “If I don’t treat that soon, it’s going to become infected and it’s going to be worse than it already is.”

“I don’t need your help.” She snarled. Her pale eyebrows narrowed and her ears went back slightly, reminding him a little like a dog.

Hovering over her, she looked awfully defensive as she sat tense at the table. Okay, maybe she felt cornered. He probably wasn’t helping matters either by looming like that, so he decided to shift his position into something that may put her at ease.

“Listen.” He kneeled down before her and she looked even more murderous at that. She didn’t like that then. Fuck it. He was going to call her out. “I’m not trying to patronize you, I’m not. But I don’t know if you think I’m doing this because I think you’re weak or don’t want to show vulnerability or that you’re incompetent, because you’re definitely not. I understand where you’re coming from and I want to be there for you cause I didn’t know how to accept it back then when I needed it.”

It took a second to process her normally vivid eyes had gone blank. Just a dull sheen glossed over her gaze and she stared off at something he couldn’t see. Glancing over his shoulder at the window Loki had thrown him out of so long ago, there was nothing else that could’ve caught her eye. He turned back with a frown. “Did you even hear me?”

Was the translator not working properly? Trying to peer to where the translator was attacked, he was surprised when she stood up hastily, eyes wide and wild. Her sudden movement resulted in colliding her head against his nose, shooting a sharp pain across his face and muttering curses under his breath.

“I have to-…” She gasped wetly, her pale hands shaking and fisting at the clothes tightly he had ordered for her awhile back. “I have to get out. I need- I need-.” Heavy breaths, low whines and noises made out of distress, her eyes went puffy and glassy with tears. Her eyebrows had furrowed together tightly, looking almost painful.

From around, Friday’s voice spoke up. “She’s having a panic attack, I suggest soothing her before it gets worse, Boss.”

It was with good intentions, but Skadi was still awfully unfamiliar with Friday and seemed to only worsen it. She backed up and into the table knocking over a glass and the sound of it shattering jarred her.

“Hey, hey, it’s all good.” He spoke softly, hands outstretche for her, but she flinched at him. He paused and held his hands up, hoping the gesture wasn’t lost on her. “It’s going to be fine. You just need to take some deep breaths.

“I don’t _need_ this!” Skadi shouted. “What I need is some space! Some air. I feel like a trapped animal, running back and forth in this small space! I’m going mad!” Her stitches opened even more at that. “I need to go out!”

“Not like that.” He argued. “You’re panicking, you’re freaking out, and you’re injured. At least let me take a look at it before-.”

She ran her hands through her braided hair, ripping strands from her head and grunting loudly in frustration. “Before what?!” She screamed at him. “Before you let me go out? Is that it? Is that what you were going to say? You’re no better than them! I’m not your prisoner.”

“You know you can’t go out.”

“As a matter of fact I _don’t_ know why.”

Tony bit his lip and almost shouted out in irritation. He just wasn’t the right guy for this. Why did he ever think this was a good idea? He took in a deep breath and muttered slowly and as calmly as he could. “It’s either me or it’s Sheild.”

Under her breath, now steady with barely suppressed anger, she spoke. “I did not trade one cage for another.”

He snapped his mouth shut, feeling instantaneous guilt flood into him and he watched helplessly as she shouldered him on her way out. With one hand over her bleeding shoulder and another wrapped around her stomach- where she had been branded-, Skadi walked down the hallway and away from sight.

He waited for a few seconds, calming himself down and just closing his eyes. He counted for a few seconds and then breathed in and then out after a few moments. It was hard to admit, but maybe Skadi didn’t need the same things he had after Afghanistan. Granted, he didn’t really act the way he should’ve, but he was still grateful for Pepper and Rhodey for getting him through it. Even Happy was a familiar and comforting presence in his life. He didn’t know what he would do without them.

But he was no Pepper or Rhodey or even Happy. He was just Tony. And frankly, it didn’t look like that’s what Skadi needed. They weren’t really friends, but it felt like they could be. And as much as he was hesitant on that idea, she sure seemed like she could use one. After all, Loki wasn’t around to offer her that comfort. The comfort of a friend.

“Where is she now?” He asked aloud.

Friday answered simply. “Balcony.”

“Is she alright?”

There was a small pause. “She will be.”

That was the end of it. He got up and instead walked over to his own room rather than join her on the balcony with the cold air and harsh winds.

The next morning was the conference about Loki and bringing up Skadi’s involvement. It went horrible needless to say. It had stretched over three hours just on questions and people freaking out and their inability to provide information. There were many people who thought it all to be farce of course, but the images were clear and some footage, edited to focus on certain things, were cemented in truth as well.

“So we’re supposed to act like nothing had happened and forgive him because he lost on purpose?” One reporter had shouted, overcome with emotions like everyone else.

“Of course not.” Rogers said. He had been the perfect candidate to speak because of his reputation and because he was such a well-loved figure. “We can learn to forgive, but we’ll never forget and it’s understandable that you’re all still angry. You’re allowed to be angry. But the facts are there. Things could have been horribly worse and sometimes, you just have to make the hard decisions.”

Tony winced at that. That could’ve been worded _way_ differently.

“James Buchanan had been forgiven for the crimes he had committed unwillingly under control. I only ask that you see the situation as the same as then.”

“My family was not just collateral damage!” A woman screamed. It had gone rather downhill from there.

Tony turned off the television once the conference had finished. He rubbed his face tiredly. He knew things wouldn’t magically solve themselves and it wasn’t exactly a surprise of how things went. However he didn’t expect that quite a few people in the audience had accepted it so easily. So many had followed up questions that didn’t seem to tie back to Loki being the actual, or at least not completely, the perpetrator.

It appeared as though Barton hadn’t been the only one to see how strange the events that led to New York were. Except those from the public were more theorized than actual evidence.

Perhaps it was accepted more easily because of the victim card Shield used and it wasn’t some lie either. The connection between James Buchanan and Loki had been easy enough to make. That and the fact that Loki’s plan had worked out for Earth even if it hadn’t necessarily worked out for him.

“It went splendid I see.” Skadi said in a dry tone. She walked in wearing casual clothing that differed from the more old-traditional clothing she had worn the day before. It looked off, but it didn’t look bad. She had the shirt on inside out though.

It was a bit of an awkward silence as she shifted from foot to foot. So they weren’t going to talk about it? Fine then. He could pretend it didn’t happen either. If that’s what she wanted, then alright.

“You’re a really sarcastic person aren’t you?” He asked eventually, though it was more of an observation than a question.

Skadi’s shoulders relaxed a bit, though still tense and on edge.

“You put the shirt on inside out.” He added as an afterthought.

She looked down at herself and took it off, ignoring Tony’s gawk and he swiftly turned around.

“Jesus. You can change it somewhere else!”

“No need. I have grown accostumed to walking around topless. Those from where I live roam about in nothing more than their own bare skin.”

“Well.” He cleared his throat awkwardly and looked over at her. “How’s life over there then?”

She raised an eyebrow. “You truly do not shy away from asking whatever plagues your mind do you?” At his shrug, she sat down and stared at the blank television. In her hand, a glass of Gin. “It is good. Stable and boring at times, but good.”

“You must miss it.” He said, for lack of anything else to say to that.

She made a so-so gesture. “I have no one waiting for me, but I do miss my home.”

He felt the apology on the tip of his tongue, but somehow he knew she wouldn’t appreciate it. He just nodded in understanding.

“My father was Jötun and my mother was an Elf. And I can see the curiosity in your eye so I will admit that it was not a happy story. Everyone hates Jötunheim and my mother was no exception.” She snorted. “She wanted to bring back a head from one of those beasts who lived there and met my father consequently.”

She waved a hand about carelessly as if it wasn’t her family she was talking about. But he supposed he could understand that.

“My father was naïve and ignorant and fell in love with her. Soon enough, her goals of beheading one of them as her trophy prize molded into something else.” Skadi made a noise of disgust and leaned back into the sofa. “That witch took advantage of my father and so they had me and I’m not sure if it was out of pity or the fact that Elves are forbidden to kill their own, but she allowed me to live with my father and scampered off to Asgard for some time before she was banished for…” Her eyes glazed over, but she quickly snapped out of it. “Anyways, she’s in Alfheim. I spent many years with him until the Aesir murdered him and I was left alone as a child to roam about the nine realms until what happened with the Chitauri.”

“That’s- um.” Tony was at a loss of what to say. “I’m sorry for your loss?”

“Uneccessary. I hated my father for his weakness as well as my mother.” She said. “My mother made me play a game. It was a game of pretending we didn’t know each other. She’s absolutely the best at that game. It’s been many centuries and she’s still playing.” Skadi huffed out a snort.

Genuinely confused, he frowned. She had been so distant and cold, so mysterious and lock- lipped; and maybe it was the drinks that made her tongue loose, but he doubted it. She was too paranoid, too wary, to drink to that point. “Why are you telling me this?” He asked. “We aren’t really the closest of friends to be doing this with.”

“No, but Loki isn’t here and I have no one else I confide to.”

“Then…?” He trailed off, trying to get her to finish.

She took a sip and hummed low to herself. Her gaze ran over the outside buildings and clouds hanging overhead. “Perhaps it’s because you are a stranger and it is far easier to tell you, perhaps it is because there’s this familiarity that I feel wafting from you.” She shrugged. “Or perhaps I’m bored and wish to talk.”

He hesitated. What exactly could he say in response to that? He decided with stating the obvious. “You have a really fucked up sort of humor and you’re really straightforward aren’t you?”

She huffed. “One of the things that Loki liked about me. Whilst he loved to twist his words and misconstrue what he means, I tell it as it is. He also adored my dark sense of humor although even he found it a bit brash at times.”

Loki, Loki, Loki. His name was really starting to wear in his mouth. He resisted the urge to groan and he was going to loose his mind if they had to talk about him one more time. Sure it was an empty threat, but still.

Tony hummed. “I guess it’s my turn?”

“No need, Stranger.”

“Stranger?”

“You are.” Skadi huffed. “I know your name, but I don’t know who you are. But I can.” She raised her hand up. “I can see it so easily already. You were born in a lavish household with parents who neglected you and then you broke ties with them. You created your own life, somewhere along the way, you were humbled and forced to have your eyes opened. I’m guessing torture or a loved one dying. After that, you changed your ways and joined Thor in this little team of people.” Skadi tilted her head to the side, taking another sip of her cup.

He swallowed dryly. “You got most of it right.”

She paused and looked over him slowly. She looked like there was something stuck in her mouth, but she covered it with another large drink and a small clearing of her throat. “I would apologize for making you uncomfortable, but I would be lying. I’m not a very compassionate person.” No shit. “And I’m merely making assumptions. I’m no Clairvoyant.”

“Don’t they read the future?” He teased.

“Regardless. You understand what I meant.”

Tony laughed softly. They sat in silence, one drinking her alcohol and he just stewed in silence. Curiousity got the better of him and it didn’t take long for the silence to break again. “Tell me how you knew.” He wouldn’t say he whispered, but it lacked his usual confidence.

She twirled a finger around her pretty hair. “Only if you tell me what I got wrong.” At his nod, she set down her cup and looked over him once more, eyes a bit narrowed. “You have lavishments that are much greater than those around you. Therefore, you are a prince in your own way. I grew up with Loki. I would recognize a prince as soon as I see one.” She explained. “You have the same look as mine. Not one of pity or compassion, but one of recognition. That’s how I knew you had been through something similar to I. Also, you said last night that you didn’t accept the help when you knew you needed it. Wasn’t that hard.”

He nodded. That much was a given.

“However you hold yourself different. Not a family man as Odinson holds himself nor of that other man, Barton, I believe. So unless you were born an orphan then I reckon you broke things off with them because they were neglectful.”

“Well,” Tony stood up and walked over to the bar. “You’re not wrong. They were.” He poured himself a drink and let out a small sigh. He didn’t feel as uncomfortable as he thought he should. She spoke in a way without any pity or any of that ‘I’m sorry’ bullshit. It was harsh honest truth that made him feel better about talking in general. It was also the fact that for some reason, it was always easier to talk to a stranger rather than someone you knew. “I wasn’t born an orphan, but I didn’t push them away either. They were murdered.”

“Do you grieve?”

“Not anymore.”

Her expression shifted to something lighter and she made a hum of acknowledgement. “You’re an orphan then, to which hoorah, we have something in common.” Skadi said flippantly, but he could tell she wouldn’t have made the following joke if he was still hurting over their deaths. It was comforting in a way.

They were dead, that’s all she had to know. Skadi turned to him and lifted a cup up. “To shitty parents.”

Tony couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up. Sure enough, the curse sounded strange coming from her, but it was so surreal and definitely a mood lifter. He raised his cup in a mock toast and downed his drink.

They didn’t bring up their dispute and he found that they didn’t need to. This was enough.

_________________

The scan on Skadi’s bracelet had not really helped. Her only answer to anything he asked was, “Magic.” Which was utter bullshit. It was an advanced form of technology, yes, but everything had an explanation and so magic was simply science that hasn’t been explained.

The scans showed that there was a weird barrier surrounding the bracelet that, when she was wearing it, expanded to surround her faintly. Unsurprisingly, the same energy in the bracelet’s matched to the one in his chest. So he had inadvertently retained that energy into his arc reactor. He wondered if his arc reactor would possess those protective qualities too or if it was really just there without doing anything.

Upon asking her what the bracelet really did, she didn’t have much to say. “It helped me stay sane as it protected my mind. You know what the runes mean, correct?”

“I did some research yeah.”

“Well, you must know that one of the runes is to protect the wearer from getting lost. I suppose losing oneself counts too.” Skadi shrugged and rubbed her eyes tiredly. “Loki knows if I am well or not, I know not really how, but it’s through this trinket.”

When asked to elaborate, she couldn’t answer. She knew very little about the magic surrounding the bracelet. She also didn’t know how aware Loki was in regards to her emotional well-being or in physical, but that, somehow, he always knew when she needed help.

“So he has a bracelet connecting you and him and Thor?” He questioned.

She shook her head. “The magic is his own. It is a connection to him. I do not have magic so I cannot describe it, but it connects me to him and he to all whom he has gifted a bracelet. It’s a part of him essentially.”

So a life force. A part of his soul perhaps. He put the two scans against one another. He looked at the energy signature that appeared in the scan of his own body. The bracelet’s energy- Loki’s magic was the same as the energy in his chest. He literally had _Loki’s_ magic in him. It wasn’t hurting him, just curious apparently. He had yet to figure out what that would entail.

For now, he was content to just leave it alone.

The days went by quick and with each night, he had the same dream of the man under the golden fruited tree. He would walk around until he stumbled across him, but by the time he’d call out, he’d wake up in his room. He couldn’t count the number of times he had cursed and thrown something across the room out of frustration. It was _his_ dream. Why wouldn’t it go the way he wanted it to?

The man waited for him though. Well, it seemed like that at least. He’d be standing up and walking around, but somehow, he’d always have his back turned to him.

On another entirely unrelated note, the public had grown to accept what happened in regards to New York rather quick, but only out of fear about the real mastermind behind it all. Fear really did bring everyone together as it seemed. And, as it has it, fear also brought the United Nations together in ways that the world hadn’t ever been seen before.

Long talks concerning weapons, strategies in the event of an attack, and defenses gave them a sense of control. They were all desperate for a plan of action or insight on what was to come, but they didn’t have it. There, they had turned to Thor. They requested to send ambassadors in Tony’s place to hash out deals and gain allies.

They were shot down embarrassingly quickly even if it was understandable. Of course when they asked _why_ was only Tony allowed to go, the answer was so simple and yet complicated that it was funny.

“In kingdoms throughout the nine realms,” Thor had begun. “There is a king. One sole ruler on the whole realm. Councils, diplomats, parliaments are indeed common, however, there must be one ruler. The one with the most power and in Midgard, Anthony Stark is indeed the most powerful.”

There had been a tense silence in light of that revelation. Tony himself felt shocked by the sudden turn of events. He had expected the reason to be solely on the fact that Thor was his teammate and that he had Thor’s trust. He hadn’t expected a valid explanation that by all terms and regulations on Asgard, that _he_ was enough to speak for all of Earth.

“But Mr. Stark is no King.” Some politician had muttered in confusion.

“By Asgard’s standard and on the other seven realms excluding this one he is.” Thor’s voice echoed in the room. “The criteria to meet it is based on ten points and the Stark meets seven of them and one of those points is more than enough to fill for the ones he does not.”

“And might I ask what those ten points are?” The same man asked.

With a clear and concise voice, Thor spoke as though reading from a script. “Make an impact and Stark has certainly done so. Throughout your realm, the Man of Iron is a name with weight and held in high regards. Many lives rested in his hands and he has saved a great deal of them.” He listed out the ten points and gave valid points on how _he_ of all people fit the criteria of king.

The list went as follows; Build big architectural structures; in other words, his Stark tower and many other of his well-known buildings on safe environmental energy. Knowledgeable and willing to extend connections to foreigners; his work in Gulmira and removing the Ten Rings from power, thus freeing the locals. Ability to delegate which speaks for itself; cultivation of own image which refers to his actions as Iron Man and how it has greatly impacted his reputation; big connections and sway over influential people; and lastly power. Power of which he has a _lot_.

His weapons are unparalleled so far, his technology is advanced; his ability to retain information is quick and dangerous on its own, meaning that if he wanted to, he could learn the complexities of astrophysics or quantum mechanics within a night or two if he really wanted to.

The other three that he did not achieve was for obvious reasons. Marry well, have successors, and dress like he had the money. The last point was a bit iffy. He did dress well on occasions when he had to, but for everyday, he liked his t-shirts and sweats very much.

There were other candidates, but they didn’t hit as much points as Tony did apparently. Among them was King T’Challa. He crossed off a lot of those points too, but it was only until the whole Accords situation did the world realize they might have a bit more power than originally thought with that suit he had.

However, it was because Wakanda was a remote country and they _chose_ to remain hidden away that they didn’t have such a prominent name or as much attention as Tony did. But they were fine without it and made sure to let everyone know that they focused on themselves, but would offer help when needed. They didn’t need attention and they were quite happy with that fact.

But honestly, Tony would be the _worst_ candidate. No offense taken there, he understood completely, but he wasn’t going to Asgard for ambassador shit, he was going to overturn a case against a potential ally.

The other politicians knew this, but once Thor mentioned that the Allfather was hesitant to open its gates to foreign humans and that Stark alone had his respect as one warrior to another, then they conceded. Of course, that little statement had his chest swell in pride, but the pressure was obvious.

After all, no human had ever set foot on Asgardian soil and to have Tony be invited was _big_. Well the first human _man_ cause apparently that title went to Thor’s girlfriend, Jane Foster who had gotten sick. Sick enough that she had to be taken to Asgard apparently. He wasn’t sure what happened there, other than Thor’s mother had died and then Jane had gotten better.

At least now, the people of Asgard were aware of his impending arrival and wouldn’t be surprised.

However, considering they were pretty sour over having a _mortal_ going to Asgard, having other ambassadors go with them without invitation would be pushing buttons that even Tony didn’t want to press. The World Committee had to placate themselves into giving Tony a thick stack of papers of what to argue for during his time there. Most of which he hadn’t even glanced at and honestly, he couldn’t believe that in just a few days, they had sorted out through a whole bunch of diplomatic requests to become allies and other details.

Why couldn’t they work as resourceful as now when it came to the _literal_ rest of the world? Greedy politicians.

Rhodey hadn’t been too happy either. After everything had come into light, he called.

He was both rightfully angry about him agreeing so easily to go to Asgard and then terribly concerned for his wellbeing. And it wasn’t like Rhodey could pop in to help him if Tony needed it; Not with his sessions in physical therapy, military duties, and just the fact that Tony wouldn’t even be on the same planet. Besides, as things were now, Rhodey barely had enough time to give the occasional call to see if he was still alive.

He tried not to let that get to him. After all, he knew in some way that it was his fault that Rhodey had been paralyzed waist down. It was only a miracle that had allowed him to even stand up at all. Granted, so much time in physical therapy and the prosthetic he designed was to thank in the end.

Maybe he should start a new line of prosthetics. Not his area of expertise, but he could always learn and Rhodey’s had come out perfectly.

“Honestly, I’ll be fine.” Tony said, doing another scan of his arc reactor.

The energy signature- he still refused to call it magic- had spread throughout his body. There was a faint glow underlining his own, not merging at all. Tentatively, he reached out a finger to touch the bracelet. He hadn’t done that since the first time over a few days ago. Upon brushing his fingers against it, a green spark erupted from his fingers and a new wave of tingling traveled throuh his body.

He gasped and a new sensation of liveliness made his heart beat faster with adrenaline.

Shit.

Well that wasn’t a smart idea. He looked down at his fingers, but nothing appeared on his skin. No burn or soreness. There was nothing to show for what had happened. Quietly, he pulled up the scan from before and had Friday do another one. Fuck’s sake, why the hell did he think touching it would be a good idea?

“Right.” Rhodey said dryly over the speaker, seemingly unaware of what had just occurred. “Because you never get yourself into any trouble.”

“Never! I’m a saint.” He teased, keeping his heavy breathing as quiet as possible. Though his voice was light and playful, his mind ran through a whole bunch of different complications that could arise from this new add on to his body. He really was a magnet for danger wasn’t he? He didn’t have to touch it, but it just called out to him again. The scan showed the same results as before. Nothing new although he felt different. Not bad, just rejuvenated.

“Just be careful.” Rhodey urged.

Tony hummed non-commitingly.

The energy source protected its owner in some way so by finding itself in another form would it defend itself and break him down from within? It was a possibility. After all, a bracelet was not the same as a living complex human body. “When have I ever been reckless?” He said despite occupied with other thoughts.

“I didn’t say reckless. I said be careful.”

“Rhodey, seriously, I’ll be fine!” Tony put away the scan, not really finding anything else useful about it. “I’ll be with Thor and that alien chick.”

“I trust Thor, I just don’t trust her. Just promise me you’ll be careful.”

“I-“

“Promise.” He stressed out the word deeply.

“Okay okay.” Tony relented. He put his face in his hands, feeling guilty about already breaking a promise he hadn’t even made yet. Being merged with another energy source isn’t the exact definition of being careful. “I promise.”

“Good.” Rhodey seemed content for now. “How is she anyways? I’ve heard about her, but it’s all been kept tightly under wraps. The public doesn’t know and she hasn’t been seen out in public yet either.”

He thought about the question for a minute. “Skadi is… different. In a good way. She’s blunt and straightforward, but she can be pretty insensitive. She’s not bad, but definitely someone you can go to if you want someone to be honest. Though she can say some really harsh things.”

“And here I thought you were insensitive.”

“I have a heart!” Tony exclaimed.

“Yeah.” Rhodey snorted. “Behind all that cold metal.” His voice was fond and he found himself missing him deeply in that moment. They really needed to meet up at least once before they left to Asgard. “Is that it? No weird tentacle fetishes that you would’ve told me all about now?”

He burst out laughing. “I think you’re turning into me.”

“I have been spending too much time with you.” _Not enough,_ Tony thought briefly. “A decade of friendship has been a bad influence on me.” Rhodey chuckled. “But really. I’m worried about you man. You haven’t really… You know. Since Pepper…”

There it was. Tony let his head thump onto the table. He felt physically drained and exhausted just at the mention of her. “No.” His voice came muffled. “Skadi is beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, but I-no. Just no. I don’t even want to try anything.”

“Well, you two seem to get along. Can’t imagine how much you’d both have in common really.”

He groaned. “Traumatizing memories apparently. And we really talk more about culture differences and sometimes about Loki.”

“What about him?” Rhodey asked easily. The nature of the question wasn’t loaded, but open.

That was the best thing about him. He just accepted things and moved on. He didn’t bring up old shit. If there was proof and a logical explanation, he was good. Maybe a bit skeptical, but good.

Tony thought about it. There wasn’t much that she would bring up about Loki’s past, but she would talk little things that held no important information. “Well, mainly stories of what they did as kids. Little pranks here and there. Apparently they didn’t like this one lady who refused to let them eat their favorite desserts, so they stuck bird feed into her hair and there were literal crows trying to make a nest in her hair for a week.”

“Wow.” Rhodey muttered. “Guess the name ‘god of mischief’ really does live up to the real thing.”

“Yeah…” He trailed off. He was fascinated by the stories. It was like seeing another side of someone that didn’t really exist. It blurred his stance of who Loki was to a certain point. Now whenever his name is brought up, he imagined innocent and mischievous pranks rather than the memories he actually had of Loki. “Apparently he was very polite and withdrawn and took a lot of his emotions out on harmless pranks. At least before Skadi got her hands on him.”

“How’d they meet?”

“Well there was a challenge of sorts,” Tony furrowed his brow, trying to recall how the story went. “The challenge was to make Skadi laugh and Loki was the only one to do it.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but the shy and quiet ones aren’t usually the funny ones so how did he manage to do that?”

He paused. True. He’d have to ask Skadi for that story later. He was sure it would be an interesting one. Just as he opened his mouth to continue the conversation, Friday spoke. “Boss. It appears as though Skadi is attacking your pizza delivery guy.”

“Shit, not the pizza! Tell her he’s not a threat.” Tony shot up in his seat. “Sorry Rhodes, gonna have to call you later.”

“Yeah whatever. Go deal with your mess.” He laughed as he cut off.


	4. Splintered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was the occasional whisper in the wind and Loki was trying really hard not to lose himself and answer to it, but the whispers had never taken a form before and he definitely wasn’t expecting who it would actually be.
> 
> If it was real at all.
> 
> The lines between reality and fiction were starting to blur.

The thing about being alone in a sanctuary created of your own mind was that there were voices. It was the voices of his own mind, his thoughts and whispers. So with a book in his palms he heard his name as a whisper among the wind. So accustomed to it, he had long since learned to ignore it. Everything here was fantasy, not centered in reality and he mustn’t forget that little tibbet lest he go mad. He had spent so long building this sanctuary so that his mind wouldn’t break again, so let him be damned if he was going to let himself be swayed by false voices.

Though he will admit that the voices were tempting to listen to. It would be so blissful to just let go, but he remained firm in his resolve. Be it out of stubbornness or cowardice, he didn’t linger on it.

The first time he had heard it, he had been sitting under Idun’s tree when a voice had tentatively called out ‘hello’. It had been so palpable and vivid that he jumped. As soon as he turned, though, the man had disappeared. Or rather, he was never there at all.

Loki sat down on his mother’s bench, staring out over the sunset. He felt a buzz beneath his skin.

Skadi, he recognized. He could feel her through the binding. She was well. Well enough now at least. No thanks to him.

He exhaled loudly. If only it hadn’t taken him so long to control his seidr again, he would’ve realized that Skadi was on that ship. He owed her a lot, for taking care of his children when he couldn’t and for knocking some sense into him when he needed it.

One of his many regrets.

He reached out to the other bindings. It was mainly out of curiosity and boredom. He had nothing else to do after all.

Thor was well enough. Upset and angry, but well enough.

After everything was said and done, he couldn’t bring himself to break that binding with Thor and Thor never got rid of that damned bracelet either. It seemed as though they just couldn’t seem to sever that little thread that connected them both. It made little difference in the end. Loki never pulled him close and Thor never let him go too far; vice versa.

He moved on to the next. Sigyn was happy. That much he could tell. He missed her, but not too terribly.

His children each respectively, were a plethora of mixed feelings: Irritation, embarrassment, satisfaction, anger, and so forth. His three youngest had to be at least a thousand now. Teenagers. That would explain the near constant and abundant emotions that he felt from their end.

His oldest, however, was lonely and Loki’s heart ached for him in that moment. He wondered if Sleipnir missed him as horribly as he did. It had been so long after all.

Nothing he could do about it now. His oldest was still realms away and Loki was locked away. He wondered if Heimdall could see him now. He wondered if Odin could.

Curiously, he extended out to see the bracelet he had gifted Odin so long ago. Not coming as a surprise, Odin’s was cold, but it had always been cold since the old bastard had never worn it. However it was the emptiness that he found in the bracelets that killed him inside whenever he thought about it. In particular, the ones that belonged to his mother and of his two late sons.

The bindings itched and ate away at him, but he didn’t dare to go too deep into them. He also couldn’t bring himself to cut them off despite the cold emptiness there. It was still a part of him, something that had molded him into the man he was now. He couldn’t deny it was his own selfish and sentimental desires that didn’t allow him to move on, but he just wasn’t ready yet. Now he had a feeling he would die in his cell without ever being ready.

How ironic.

There was also Angrboda’s bracelet. Since the day he had taken it off from his lover’s corpse, it had never been taken off nor misplaced. It was always hidden on him, but he never left anywhere without it. He was grateful that he had managed to hide it in his pocket where no one else could grab it, but here, in his dreamscape, he could wear it all he wanted. Of course, his wrist outside of here was cold and empty, but it was better that he didn’t have it. It would only be one more thing he would lose.

And then, there was a new binding that he hadn’t recognized before. One that was unfamiliar, but not important enough to garner attention. It felt like a little flimsy thread that caught onto the edges of sharp corners or branches, but now, it felt like a thread wrapped snugly around his pinky and tugged softly every now and then. He ignored it, after all, he wasn’t in the best shape to poke and prod at something so new.

His Seidr wasn’t as he remembered it. When it had come back after being freed of the mind stone’s grasp, it was like breathing fresh air. However, he still found it lacking in some areas at the worst times and his inability to escape was inevitably his downfall. He’s been here for months now, maybe even years, he wasn’t too sure as time seemed to flow differently here, but his Seidr was restrained once more for all that time.

It was a burning irritation under his skin and he had to resist the urge to peel it off to get to it. He rubbed at Angrboda’s bracelet on his wrist absentmindedly. It grounded him and gave him something to focus on other than the discomfort he was experiencing. If he focused too much on it, he’d go mad.

There was shuffling of feet and the crunching of leaves as another person walked to him. Odds were that it was the same man who had appeared his sanctuary whenever he damn well pleased. There was no structures pattern to his visits as they came one after another and other times, it was like days between.

There was a silence as the man stopped and he knew he was being watched.

_Please_ , he begged mentally.

Not now. Not today. He didn’t need to raise his hopes and have them squashed like an ant under a boot. Even if he knew that giving a body to a voice would be the first step into insanity, he would take it no doubt.

After all, it wouldn’t be the first time he did.

That first time, oh so long ago, he had seen Thor and Odin. Thor would curse his blood, tell him of how ashamed he was to have called him his brother and so many other horrid things. And Odin-… he’d be a liar if he said that Odin’s words never got to him. It was so painful to recollect it now and he relive their words once more. They would curse his name and refuse his touch when he reached out to them. He was too tainted, too revolting. He even saw Frigga and she would stand from afar. She never grew close and she always had this look of disappointment and disdain. It was the unfamiliar coldness that had broken him back then.

So now, this moment was so familiar by now. The man would call out to him and he’d turn, but he would awaken back into that dreaded cell with his captors. If he didn’t turn, then he wouldn’t wake up yet. He didn’t want to go back. Here was safe. Boring, but _safe_. The man didn’t call out either. He stepped closer and then sat down next to him.

Loki resisted the urge to turn and look at him. He could see a blurry form from the corner of his eyes. The man was looking, not straight at him, but at the book he held onto tightly in his lap and at his pale and slender hands. The one thing he couldn’t change completely about himself. His hands. Always stuck in that space between masculine and feminine.

“Loki?”

He couldn’t help it the sliver of curiousity that urged him to turn. Bracing himself, Loki found himself locking eyes with the other man in the safety of his dreamscape for the first time. The other man stared back at him with eyes wide and lips parted in astonishment.

It was Stark. The same infuriating mortal from Midgard. It seemed as though Loki wasn’t the only one surprised at least.

He expected his loved ones, but instead he was met with the man who had mocked him and helped with his capture. It was such a cruel and ironic joke. He wanted to see someone he hadn’t seen in a long time so that if he was going to lose his mind then it would be a bittersweet one. He’d rather it be at the hands of someone like Angrboda or his mother, his children even, but he didn’t expect it would be Stark.

He was furious.

Stark opened his mouth to reply, but no words came out. He just blinked owlishly and then ran his hands down his clothes, smoothing out edges and creases.

“I found out about New York you know.” He said, seemingly unsure of what to say. “I know it wasn’t you. You’re innocent. Seems ironic that I’m dreaming you up now.” He trailed off to himself.

But that only served to highten his anger. He didn’t need to be seen as a hero. He didn’t need his own mind pitying him.

“I killed dozens.”

“Yeah but-,”

“I enslaved your friends, tortured them and left them like discarded toys, too broken to function.”

“Well not exactly-“

“Well then how do you explain the fact that even with the scepter far away from me, I still pushed on with my plan, as null as it was?”

“I just…” Tony trailed off and Loki felt his face harden even more.

“Take this in mind, I wanted the chaos.”

“No, you were caught up in it.” Tony rebutted. “I can see it in the way you act and talk. You _like_ the chaos because it’s hiding everything else you don’t want to bring up. Mine is drinking, yours is this, but the thing is,” Tony frowned at him, ignoring his strangled expression as he was slowly picked apart. “I know when to stop and you don’t. You lose control and you get overwhelmed.”

Loki stood up, hurt pride visible in the shaking of his shoulders and barely suppressed rage in his eyes. He knew he looked like he had just been slapped, but just as quick, his expression was smothered over into a feign of nonchalance.

“You figure it out and all of a sudden you think you know me? I don’t _need_ your vindication!” He shouted. “I don’t need it!”

He balled his hands in his hair and breathed heavily. He knew he was brimming with fury, but he couldn’t lose it. If he lost control, he would go back out there and he didn’t want to. He didn’t want the cold showers, the screams of the others, the laughter of the gaurds taunting him. He didn’t want it, but he didn’t want to talk to Stark any longer.

But he _had_ to know.

When the time continued to move on without a hint that he would awaken soon, his voice came out in a whisper. “Just…” He trailed off, unsure of what to say and frustrated beyond belief. “Out of everyone, why you?” Loki asked desperately.

The man seemed baffled at the question. Instead he asked, “Are you real?”

_Real_? Loki couldn’t help the dry fit of laughter.

Not one part of him was real. Everything about him had been manipulated into something else. A meek and submissive son to his parents, the doting younger brother, the stoic and strong husband, and the family man who was warm and loving. Each part he had played had been molded into what he believed they would adore. He was right, but wrong at the same time. No matter how well he perfected his facades, they never loved _him_.

“About as real as I am with anyone.” He admitted.

Stark let out a sigh. “I guess even in my dreams, you’d be cryptic.”

He tilted his head, staring at the other man. He looked different, but his subconscious must be putting on a few years to show how he’s aged. However, why his own brain would create someone who was convinced that he was mere imagination, was odd. Perhaps it was his own way of convincing himself that Stark was real. His mind was probably already far lost if he was starting to create people from long ago who doubted Loki’s existence. However, he would cherish wherever this would lead him.

Loki huffed. He would clearly be just as irritating as the real one had been. “What a strange dream.” He said to himself.

“No kidding.” Stark rubbed the back of his neck and toyed with the fallen leaves of the tree. “Though I can’t imagine what sort of dreams you would have.”

Loki hummed to himself. He stared at the clouds stuck in place. He pondered on whether or not to answer. It meant nothing in the end since Stark was just a sad figment of his imagination so if he were to say anything, it wouldn’t come back to bite him. Besides, he _could_ pretend he was real if only for a brief moment. If only for a false comfort.

“Well… I got time.” Tony drawled out.

And maybe it was because he was tired, or emotionally exhausted, or maybe he had just gone mad, but he actually entertained his question with an answer. Or maybe it was just the loneliness because what came out of his mouth was honest and true. “I dream of old memories, of happy times when I did not feel so alone. They were a rare gem growing up.”

“Sounds like you had a pretty lonely childhood.” Stark whispered.

Loki snorted. “Hardly. Thor was always around and so was the little ones. It was…” He tossed the words around in his head, trying to find the correct ones to explain what he was feeling. “It was the fact that my life was so glossed over. Looked aside. And when it wasn’t, I was insulted and leered at.”

“And your parents?”

“Ah-.” He paused.

If Stark referred to Odin as one of his parents, did that imply that he still viewed him as such? He shuddered in revulsion at that. He was simply overthinking it or perhaps it was his own mind playing tricks on him. Perhaps it was trying to make him _believe_ that Stark was real. After all, if Stark _was_ real, then he wouldn’t know about how he perceived Odin or Frigga, nor would he know anything else. It was a dangerous notion, but if he stopped to think about it too much, he would go mad.

“My mother,” Because admittedly, he still thought of her as such. “Was a lovely and wonderful woman. She encouraged my practices in Seidr and tried her best to love me equally as Thor. Odin was not so thoughtful.” He sneered. “He lavished Thor with attention and praise and it almost seemed as though he forgot he had a second son.” Or forgot he had a Jötun runt in the castle because a son to Odin, he was admittedly not. After all, how could the king of Asgard ever love or care for the son of the enemy. The son of a beast and a spawn of a horrid race.

Stark was quiet as he contemplated. With a soft sigh, he leaned back and rested his weight on his hands. “This is so… weird. Talking about daddy issues with you in some magical garden-.”

He cut himself off. Stark intertwined his fingers and then unclasped them to rub them against his pants. It was a notion that Loki recognized. He was uncomfortable with the conversation.

“To say that my old man was dad of the year is a _huge_ overstatement. He never told me I was good enough, that I did something right, or even told me he cared for me. He kinda just tossed me aside like an old piece of junk. A piece of metal that he hammered out and beat until he was bored. So I wasn’t really mad when he died, but my mom…”

Stark swallowed and Loki could understand the feeling quite well. It was something that still felt fresh and when Loki thought of Frigga, he always got a bit teary eyes and his heart ached. He could see that in Stark.

“She wasn’t that great, but I still loved her you know? I’m not saying we’re the same, but I can relate to-.”

He knew where the words were going, but he didn’t want it to. “Don’t you dare.” Loki snarled at him, cutting him off effectively. The mood changed instantly.

They were _nothing_ alike. Stark was a well-respected and loved figure and Loki had nothing to his name, only lies and deceit. To even insinuatinate that they both came from similar situations was offensive when they both knew that Loki didn’t get as lucky like Stark did. He didn’t have his world flipped over, he didn’t find out he was just as hideous and revolting as the beings he was taught to hate.

“I don’t need your pity. I am not some pathetic child who crawled after his parents hoping for any attention.”

“Really?” Stark asked. He scoffed and leaned back on his hands. “Because it sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself more than you’re telling me.”

His irritation flared, but he resisted the urge to just reach out and tighten his hands around his neck. Annoying as he was, he was going insane without any type of contact and he wasn’t about to let this one go just because he was annoyed. He scoffed and turned away.

Loki had to remember that this was all in his head and that whatever Stark was saying was most likely some hidden desire or feeling he wasn’t even aware of. Perhaps it _was_ him trying to convince himself that he hadn’t been desperate for attention as a child, when he actually was. So what if he occasionally perfected himself to garner Odin’s attention or when he worked dutifully to be the perfect student so that his mother would dote on him.

Oh. Loki felt his shoulders slump at the realization. He really _had_ been trying to convince himself of that.

“And it was compassion.” Stark muttered, frowning in irritation. “Not pity, but compassion.”

Loki loosened his tense shoulders with a sigh and looked at the other man. Stark’s brown hair stuck up in different directions from either sleep or from running his hands through it.

His distinguished facial hair was a bit of a mess and clearly in need of a shave. Chapped lips and tired, bruised eyes from a lack of sleep finished the look. Of course, if Stark was going for the reanimated corpse look then he fit the description perfectly. His eyes, as tired and sad as they looked, were filled with such life and fire that didn’t look ready to flicker out just yet. He wasn’t sure if it was because of that last point that his brown eyes looked golden or because it was just the reflection of the sunset. Maybe the latter, actually.

Norns, he needed some actual rest, Loki thought to himself with a small sigh.

“In my experience, there is no difference.” He replied after some time.

“That’s probably because you grew up in Asgard. Not earth.”

He huffed out a laugh. If only that was the case. “Earth was no better.” He argued. “They enslave one another, fight wars out of greed and power, abandon their own. At least in Asgard, the women were equal to the men.” _Sort of._

In truth, it was a bit of a stretch. There were so many disparities, but women had the same voice as men and were heard equally. Only problem was that there were the jobs intended for women and those for the men and if someone dared to go against the norm then they were ostracized. Which was why he has the reputation that he has. If it weren’t for his royal bloodline, false as it was, he wasn’t sure where he would be.

“Well that’s cause you’re ancient and saw this place when doctors thought treating the cold with heroin was a good idea or back when people thought the earth was flat. But things are different now. Well maybe not for the people who still think the world is flat and we’re not exactly perfect, but we’re getting there.”

Stark shifted forward, peering into Loki’s face.

”You didn’t get to see a lot when you were there, but that’s one thing about us mortals. We can change.”

That made him pause. Was this a reminder? Was this his mind remembering what Angrboda had taught him? A way of relearning his humility?

The color of his mother’s favorite flower was bright and vibrant and the flower swayed besides him. He ripped one by its stem. Gingerly, he stroked the white petals.

Norns only knew the amount of trouble Angrboda had given him so long ago. Alas, he could look back and laugh. It he himself who had found himself in that predicament for he could have left whenever he wanted to. But in the end, he hadn’t.

Too intrigued, too blinded, too stupidly in love to leave. It had been difficult, yes, he’ll admit it. His ideology was skewed and pompous. His insecurity manifested itself into mistaken pride and he thought, back then at least, if he couldn’t be better than anyone on Asgard, than at least he was better than humanity in it’s entirety. It had been engrained in him, and he had desperately latched onto that. He needed something to keep him afloat. Something to believe that he was somehow better than someone else.

Better than humanity, better than those on Svartlheim, Nivadiller, and infinitely better than the Jötnar.

It was his right. Or so had Asgard said.

But Asgard, oh Asgard. Asgard was rotten to the core. Believing themselves to be better, to rise above everyone else. But wasn’t he the same? After all, he had allowed himself to be swayed by their ideologies until Angrboda.

Angrboda of whom was nothing like Odin had told him, or of what anyone on Asgard said. Or for a matter of fact, not everyone on Midgard was like. Humans were resourceful and curious creatures. Ignorant and yet willing to learn. He could see himself in them and they weren’t stupid.

Not all of them at least.

But Angrboda… Angrboda was like humanity encompassed into a single person without any of that decay or darkness he saw in many others. Not like himself. Maybe that was what had drawn Loki to his future lover.

Angrboda was, to say the bare minimum, inquisitive, empathetic, and dare he say coquettish?

The corner of his lips twitched as he remembered Angrboda’s flirtatious behavior when they had met. Coy smiles, lingering looks, subtle touches whether it be something as simple as fixing Loki’s hair or even something as daring as fingers brushing against lips and beckoning fingers into secluded areas. Inviting. Enticing.

Angrboda was nothing if not a free-spirit. To think that Loki had been able to capture the attention of such a beautiful person felt so unreal.

He couldn’t deny it though, they had been drawn together and it was inevitable, even as much as Loki had tried to fight his desire. And Angrboda was always so passionate and would stop at nothing until Loki had learned their culture and what humility was.

It was what made Loki fall madly in love. He fell in love with humanity and Midgard for what it was and he couldn’t believe that after Angrboda’s death, he had almost immediately reverted back into his prideful and rotten state of mind. He had forgotten everything Angrboda had taught him and it felt like a betrayal.

He never thought too hard on it, because he knew he would have disappointed his lover. Now there was no denying it. He had strayed too far and Stark _needed_ to know just how much he lamented it- although not enough. Maybe he could understand that this was never what he intended at all.

Maybe it was for his own selfish reasons, a way to lessen the blame, the weight, on his shoulders. Nevertheless, he had to say it. Now. Before he lost his nerve and pushed it away and pretended that he had never forgotten what Angrboda had forced him to learn so painstakingly over the years he had spent on Midgard.

Humans _can_ and _will_ change. It was not an option. And he _knew_ it. He’d seen it with his own eyes. “I know.” He whispered in response to Stark’s earlier comment.

The man in question who looked at him with skepticism visible in his eyes. He didn’t believe him. That much was a given, but Stark was a savvy character and he wasn’t about to let his own mind play tricks on him. Even if those tricks were frighteningly sound.

“I know and I admire humanity for that; For all it’s abilities to change and evolve into something greater.”

It was so easy to remember and he wondered why he had forgotten about how it felt to be a part of the change. He was hit with a wave of nostalgia as he recalled how exactly Midgard had charmed him.

“You fight and make laws to protect, you fight for love, and create new things to help one another. Your thirst for knowledge and explanations never waver despite knowing that the answers could be well out of your reach. I _know_ you can change and it was one of the most amazing things about your race I suppose.”

Loki felt his chest constrict with the feelings of fondness that he had well forgotten. “It took me a long time to understand.” The flower in his fingers turned grey and dark under his ministrations. “I envied humanity and I also _hated_ it for that. For learning to accept, slowly albeit, but quick in comparison to Asgard, and how to love one another. Granted, not everyone, but much more than before.” He was almost envious if he was being truthful.

The flower eventually gave way and he watched as it turned into dust and floated away in the wind. Such a shame really. He brushed his hands over the rest of the flowers, though this time, he resisted the urge of ripping one from it’s place. Realizing that he had steered off in his thoughts, he focused back on what he had been trying to say.

One glance at Stark’s face and he was surprised to see the fascinated expression he wore. It was like a realization. “I hadn’t thought of it like that.” Stark murmured, tone breathy and in awe.

Loki hummed to himself. He supposed not. It wasn’t something that had come from a quick glance, no, it had been a deep analysis from his obsession with Midgard oh so long ago. “Angrboda was the one who had taught me about it’s wonders even when humanity itself had shunned him. Oh Norns, he would be so angry at me if he were still here.” He admitted.

“Who’s he?” Stark asked, though his voice sounded a tad off.

“An old lover…” Loki looked back at his hands.

Angrboda’s strong and able hands had fit nearly perfectly within own and he could almost envision the soft ginger locks of his hair, wavy and unkempt, but beautiful just like the rest of him.

“I would not say it was love at first sight, but I believe we came close.” He breathed out. The bracelet on his wrist with the lone pink pearl glinted in the sunlight. “He’s dead now.”

“Huh…” Stark muttered. “I wouldn’t have imagined you would’ve been married. Well I mean I obviously just did considering everything here is my imagination, but- you know- Or with a guy. Not that it’s bad! I’m cool with it-.” He babbled on.

_Lies_. Loki scoffed to himself. All of it. He knew just how bad and vulgar it was, he didn’t need this fake comfort and much less from his own self. He had come to terms with how horrendous that was. His own mother had told him to hide it. Sure it had been under the pretense of doing it to help him, but his reputation had already been horrible to begin with. And for Norn’s sake why was Stark still rambling?

“And of all names my dream had to come up with, it had to be An-, Angor- However you say it.”

He raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “Angrboda? Perhaps it _is_ rather feminine?” It wasn’t an odd name and it was a rather strong one, despite it’s negative connotations. Did he subconsciously think it was odd? “It was a common name among those where his people settled. Vinland I believe.”

Stark jolted surprise besides him. “Vinland? Isn’t that in Canada? Your husband was human?”

“I-“

Loki couldn’t hide his confusion. Perhaps it was bizarre that he had come to love a mortal, but it couldn’t have been that strange could it? Or was this just regret over how everything had turned out? He questioned and questioned, but ultimately got nowhere.

”Yes…?” He drawled out curiously. “We never married. My marital status impeded my desire to wed Angrboda.”

Stark let out a small huff. “A loveless marriage? Were you both intended for each other as children? I’m not really sure how the whole royal thing goes.”

Shaking his head, the fondness in his heart grew as he thought about Sigyn. Talking without letting emotions interrupt would surely be more difficult than he imagined. And why was he even entertaining this? Boredom? Or maybe he just wanted to talk about Sigyn. It was so hard to bring her up when her name was such a foresaken name. Partially his fault too though.

“It’s a bit more complicated than that.” An understatement. A big one. “Lady Sigyn and I were not bethrothed as children like some are, but we were married at the youngest age that was seen as acceptable. Not a marriage without love, but a platonic one.”

Yes. Only a platonic one. There was no hatred or dislike when they had finally separated, but he always held her in high regards and he was, if only, a bit sad to see her leave. If she would return to him and ask for his aid, he wouldn’t turn her away. He didn’t have much else anyways.

  
“Not to say we hadn’t tried, but she loved someone and I loved another. My infedilty and who Angrboda was would have sent the royal court in uproar. Odd and curious; he was truly breathtaking, but he was hopelessly human. He would have lived out his dwindling years and I would still be the same as when we had met.”

“That sounds lonely.”

He only hummed in response.

“Why are you telling me this? No offense, but you don’t seem like the type to spill out your heart.”

“It is only I here. You, a mere figment. What I say will have no repercussion should there be no one to hear it.” He waved his hand around. Nothing changed. The sun was frozen in place, the wind neverending, and the flowers never died. It was all an illusion that, when bothered, turned into dust and faded away. “Insight for lack of a better word then, I suppose.” He turned to Stark.

His expression was one of pondering and curiosity. He could see him working through what he had said in his mind. “Why do you listen to me if you think this all a dream too?” He asked. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to hear, but he wanted to hear something else other than his own voice. Anything at all.

“Insight I guess.” Stark repeated his words. “You’ve been on my mind for awhile now.”

Now this was just narcissism. Loki shifted awkwardly, cringing at his mind for creating this scenario. Of all things-.

“I guess, I’m trying not to feel guilty about what happened with you. If we had just figured things out earlier, maybe none of this would’ve happened. So… Here I am.” Stark whispered. “Putting a story to a pretty face I guess.” m

He looked down at the grass and then at Loki, with a face apologetic and compassionate. It was so honest that it made him feel rather ashamed to witness it.

It was something he could never do. To be honest with no twisting of the words to make it sound like something else or to reach a greater goal felt so impossible.

There was a silence between them. Neither awkward nor tense. Just there.

“I really am a narcissist then.” Loki muttered.

There was a loud noise breaking through the calming nature of his world. A clang of metal against metal. The world tore itself apart and he blinked, trying to grow accostumed to the darkness of his cell. He had forgotten where he was. His captor gleered at him. In his hands, a long and sharp piece of metal. A sword perhaps. Slowly, he stalked into the room, dragging the weapon he had grown so intimate with along the wall. A piercing screech echoed in the room of metal scratching metal.

He steeled himself for what was to come and lifted his chin up. His eyes met the guard’s and he met the leering grin with a glare of his own.


	5. Parole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, they arrive to Asgard and the trial goes differently than he expected, but of course things wouldn’t be so easy. At least those nights spent with Loki are giving him some- not a lot- of clarity to things.
> 
> He didn’t expect not hating Loki and was actually okay with his presence, as fickle as it was.

When his eyes opened, instead of the blades of grass that cut his hands and the soft breeze through his hair, there was only a grey ceiling and the smell of detergent from his sheets. There was no garden, no sense of comfort or safety, and there was definitely no Loki.

He breathed in slowly and stared blankly, but not really seeing anything. So it was Loki he had been seeing for the past few nights. This whole time, he had woken up with the feeling that he was missing something important and now-.

He paused. Now what? He _knew_ who it was, he knew it was Loki, he _had_ an inkling for some time now, but didn’t really think much about it. But it was Loki. It wasn’t like he could just write it off, but there wasn’t anything really important that had happened. Other than the bombshell that Loki had been married, and to a man of all things and… and what? What exactly was he to do with that information? It wasn’t like it would help him and he knew for a fact that whatever that was, it couldn’t have been centered on reality.

“Fuck.” Tony cursed. His hands covered his face and he groaned loudly.

He just wasn’t sure what to think about their conversation. Love and marriage? What about Vinland and Asgard? It was quite a weird combination. And there was also the fact that he remembered it all vividly. He didn’t forget.

What the hell was all that though? It was so vivid and real, but it was in no way anything else, but a dream. But it had felt like something _more_. Like if he reached out, he could touch the guy and everything else felt real enough. The grass, the leaves, the bench. He had a certain level of soberness and consciousness that he never had in his other dreams. It was best just to forget then. Forget that it had happened and pretend that it hadn’t really shaken him up as much as it had. Well, on the bright side, at least he knew who the man who had been plaguing his dreams.

Honestly, it would make sense that he would be dreaming of Loki. The guy was brought up every ten minutes whether it be on the news or a discussion with Skadi or Thor mentioning him. And dreams didn’t really make that much sense either so he just filed it away as some weird lucid dream. No point in thinking too hard about it or the fact that it had been a dream that had been plaguing him every night and it _wasn’t_ just a one time thing.

He almost snapped his fingers in realization and sat up. Loki’s voodoo. That had to be it. He was dreaming of the guy, because he had a price of the guy with him. That had to be it. Besides, he was honestly very sleep deprived so it wasn’t too far of a stretch to blame it on his state of mind.

Tony sighed again in exhaustion and sent a quick glance at the clock. It was early. Too early, but at least he didn’t have to be woken up by the alarm he had set up for himself.

“Are you alright, Boss?” Friday asked. “You seem a little distressed.”

“Just dreams, Friday.”

The blinds opened and the sun was barely yet to peek out. He could see the light painting over the sky and it was a pretty mix of purples and pinks just over the edge of the city.

“Yeah…” He breathed. “Just dreams.”

Friday said nothing response, but her silence told him that she didn’t really believe him.

Regardless, he wasn’t about to discuss the dream with her and focused on preparing for his trip to Asgard which, coincidentally, was today. He and Thor had decided to travel early in the morning which he was now regretting horribly. Even if it meant being unable to catch a few more hours of sleep, it made sense. It would bring less attention to their departure, especially from the public. Of course the general public was aware of their whole preparations to turn Loki’s case over and make Asgard an ally, but not sure on the ‘when’ or ‘how’.

Actually, since they had agreed to keep it all hush hush, few others knew what time they were leaving. Except Fury and Agent Hill, a few government officials, and Barton. Barton who had apparently made it his life mission to butt in wherever or whenever Loki was brought up.

Aside from more proffessional people, of course he told Rhodey and Tony knew that on the other hand, Rhodey had made Pepper aware of it too. After all, she had left a voicemail just before Tony woke up, which he was listening to now.

It was only a few words; telling him to be careful and not to do anything stupid, but those few words were enough. It was short and sweet, but he still felt a little hurt that she had Friday purposely make it into a voicemail rather than having a direct conversation with him.

He tried not to think about it too much as he got ready.

Running a finger over the small gadget behind his ear, he heard a faint hum as it turned on. He just hoped the translator would work just as well for him as it had worked for Skadi. He had tested it of course and Thor said it worked perfectly.

He huffed and looked at the clock. He was running late already. Jeez, his nerves were on fire. He only noticed his shaking hands when he turned the knob leading to the balcony. He had to collect himself. The others were relying on him to get himself under wraps. Speaking of which, the both of them were quietly waiting already.

Thor was in his royal attire, a plate of armor on his chest and his signature red cape. He shifted from foot to foot, a little jittery and a clearly distracted. He seemed anxious to see his brother and anyone could see it from a mile away.

Then there was Skadi. She didn’t look as anxious, but she seemed nervous all the same. Her foot tapping a bit at the ground, her fingers picking at a scab on her arm, and the other hand tugging and pulling at her hair. Her motions weren’t harsh or sporadic, but he could tell by the strain in her hands that she was pulling hard and in a way that should, by all means, hurt.

She was clearly distanced away from Thor and he seemed conscious of the space between them. His awkwardness and the tension in her shoulders was obvious.

He never asked what happened to make her hate him so much. He also hadn’t asked why Loki had never told Thor about her, but Thor had given him a brief answer to his unspoken question the night before.

They had been sitting in the dining room and going over some key points when all of a sudden Thor went silent. Tony hadn’t said anything and waited patiently. He knew better than to force the guy into talking when he had something on his mind.

“Skadi is Jötnar. Not completely, but Jötun all the same.”

Tony raised and eyebrow and then made the go on gesture with his hand when Thor took a long pause.

He sighed. “I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I know you have questions. I don’t know why he kept her from me, but I have a feeling as to why.” Thor shifted in his seat in discomfort. “Loki has many secrets, some of which I know not even he has told himself. I never wanted him to hide anything from me, but I know that he is so private and so withdrawn from everyone because of what we have done to him. Of what I have done.”

He had held Mjölnir with a weak grasp, staring at it with a sullen look.

“Of what I have taken from him.”

The look spoke volumes. Something must have happened, something so terrible and perhaps violent that would have Thor looking at his hammer in such a way.

Briefly, he wondered if Thor had ever struck Loki with it but he knew Thor and he would never intentionally hurt his own brother. Especially not in the way his dark mind was going. Perhaps it was not Loki that he harmed then, but someone else. Someone who had been close to Loki had been on the end of the hammer.

He hadn’t said anything in response. He didn’t want to know.

His musings were interrupted short.

“You’re late.” Thor murmured with a frown.

“You’re all just early.” He retorted.

Tony winked at Skadi and she rolled her eyes. “Well hello to you too, stranger.” Her smile seemed more like she was baring her teeth at him, but he responded with a smile of his own.

He wasn’t about to call her out on it. Not when she seemed particularly prickly.

Thor squeezed his hand around the handle of Mjölnir and looked up to the sky. “Let’s just get this over with.”

Tony flipped down his faceplate and watched, feeling a bit silly as Thor called out a name.

“Heimdall!”

When the bifrost opened and shot them both up, it was unlike anything he had ever experienced. Within seconds, the balcony disappeared from beneath him. Bright colors and the feeling of being weighed down was both exhilarating and intense as his body traveled over thousands of light years in a matter of seconds. No wonder they called it the rainbow bridge. The plethora of colors was stunning by itself, but the brief view of galaxies and billions of twinkling stars with no end in sight was breathtaking.

His feet found solid ground, but found them weak all of a sudden and stumbled onto his knees. The sound echoed in the large structure they were in and it was a jarring noise. Thor was by his side instantly and patting his back softly. “Are you alright my friend?” He asked teasingly.

“Oh yeah.” He exclaimed, nodding and clutching his stomach as it churned with last night’s bad choices. Something stung in the back of his throat and his mouth filled with saliva. He opened the suit to take in lungfuls of air to try and soothe his upset stomach.

Jesus, if he threw up here he would never hear the end of it. That was not how he wanted first impressions of him to be.

“Actually I lied. I’m going to make a mess all over your floor and I’m telling you, it’s not gonna be pretty.”

He felt Skadi’s foot nudge his side a bit roughly. “You’re fine. Stand up.” She muttered.

Easy for her to say. He was all human. Soft and squishy and definitely not used to what a jarring trip that had been. He took in another couple of breaths and forced himself not to vomit. Still, he had to remain cool, especially in such foreign territory.

“So cold.” He replied and relished in the twitch of her subdued smile. With help from Thor, he was hoisted up and was able to stand up on his own after a few seconds. Thor still held his hands hovering over him, but Tony waved off his concern with a grimace. The nausea and dizziness quickly disappeared, but Friday had free reign to stabilize him if he needed it.

“Welcome back, my prince.” There was a deep voice that seemed to echo in the enclosed space.

Well that confirms it. The translator works. He let out a small whoop of victory and cast his gaze around.

Tony looked up to see the abundance of gold gracing the dome-like structure. In the center, there was a dark and intimidating man with golden eyes that seemed to peer right through him. He knew then that the man before him was Heimdall. He was who Thor had referred to as the watcher and gatekeeper of the Gods. In his hands, he held a large sword and an almost ridiculous looking helmet.

And he thought Loki’s was too much.

“Welcome to Asgard Anthony Stark.” He rumbled. “Your presence has been made known to the Allfather and to all of Asgard. I hope all well comes to you.” The man did a subtle bow of his head. A sign of respect then.

He definitely felt the weight of that notion. Thankfully, he was saved from saying anything as Heimdall shifted his focus. The man turned his eyes to Skadi, neither warmly nor rudely. “It has been a long time since I have laid eyes on you Skadi Thjazisdottir.”

That’s a mouthful.

“Not long enough, Heimdall.” She hissed.

So it wasn’t just Thor that Skadi was hostile to. He felt like he was missing quite a bit, but he wasn’t about to draw attention to the weird tension. That would probably be a story for another time.

Thor growled out her name. “Now is not the time.” He muttered. “They are expecting us.”

Allowing the suit to close once more, he followed both of them out while wincing at the sound his armor made against the polished floor. It was awkward, moving down the steps looked funny and ungraceful and he knew that because Skadi kept snickering at him. Not only that, but it was generally uncomfortable because the suit was not made to just casually walk about.

Even though he would’ve loved to put it away because of it’s bulky nature and how rude and stand-offish it may seem to outside eyes, Tony understood why it was necessary to have it in the first place. So the practicality of it overrode the impracticality if that made sense.

It had been Thor to suggest it actually. Apparently the last time he had been there, there had been rising tensions and Tony’s presence would only stir the pot further. That and because he was not here just to make trade deals, but to overturn a sentencing that belonged to the youngest prince may be something that quite a few people wouldn’t like.

Even if Tony didn’t really think that someone would try and murder him, he had to agree that he was in a foreign country without knowledge about its culture or traditions or what may come off as offensive. Of course he had Thor and the guy hadn’t told him anything he should stray from, but he wasn’t too sure if that was a good thing. Either way, they both preferred to keep his head on his neck than to regret it later. But apart for his defense, he was gonna call it for what it was. It was a show of power.

So until he stood before the king, he had to keep it on. No one was dumb enough to try something infront of the Allfather. At least that’s what he hoped.

Outside of the bifrost, there were quite a few gaurds clad in armor standing behind three men and one woman who were also clad in armor, but without helmets obstructing their faces. They seemed to be waiting. For the three of them presumably.

“Ah my friend, these are the warrior three and lady Sif.” Thor introduced with an almost strained smile. “My friends, this is my shield brother, Tony Stark of Midgard.”

Friends huh? Did that mean they were Loki’s friends by association too or not? And if they were Thor’s friends, then why did the guy look a little cautious around them? He tried not to make his confusion obvious and covered it up with an overly friendly handshake to each of them as they introduced themselves respectfully. They didn’t seem to mind at all that they were shaking a hand encased of metal so he counted that as a win. It’d be bad to come off aloof so quick into introductions.

A heavy man with a long beard and equally long hair introduced himself as Volstagg. Besides him, a thinner, but well-built man with that signature blonde hair, blue eyed look was Fandral. The last man was a bit further back, but had Asian looking features which really brought up a lot of different questions like, was it a regional thing? Because he didn’t think Asgard was big enough to have varying looking people with different features. Regardless, his name was Hogun.

But the one who seemed to catch his eye was a dark haired beauty by the name of Sif. Sharp eyes, blank, but not unkind expression, and the strong way she held herself reminded him of Pepper. She was pretty, but then again, he’d be an idiot if he didn’t notice.

Besides him, Skadi muttered a curse under her breath and rolled her eyes as soon as Sif started speaking. Her dislike and irritation was made clear and Sif definitely caught on by the distrust painted over her expression.

It was like watching a cat fight, but without the claws. But he did, after all, trust Skadi’s judgment and positioned himself besides her, without being too far from Thor to be obvious. He had a feeling that Asgard was privy to that sort of things.

She raised a perk eyebrow in question and he sent her small nod to show that she had his support. Support, well, he wasn’t sure for what, but she had it anyways. Her lips curled into a wry smile and her eyes shone with gratitude. She leaned over to him a bit and spoke low under her voice. “Carefull Stark. Their stupidity might be contagious.”

He snorted, but was quick to stifle it. Skadi might have bad blood with them, but he couldn’t allow that to impede what he had come here to do. And to be fair, they didn’t really capture his interest or attention very well, but they were Thor’s friends so he’ll play nice. They haven’t really done anything yet to provoke his dislike.

They all welcomed him warmly. “Welcome to Asgard. A friend of Thor is a friend of ours. And quite the piece of armor you have.” Fandral exclaimed. He turned to Skadi and gave a short and quick bow. “I apologize, but I don’t believe we have met. I would recognize a pretty face anywhere.”

“Skadi Thjazisdottir.”

Immediately, his eyes widened in what seemed to be recognition and he could see the others tense up. Thor sighed next to him and he realized that maybe this was what had put him on edge when they had been greeted by the four.

Tony even watched as one of them inched towards their weapons. He put a hand infront of Skadi and bit his lip. He really didn’t want to have to fight just yet. They still had to find Loki and Skadi looked more than annoyed with him. But stubborn or not, he was going to protect her even if she didn’t like it. Apart from them, the gaurds remained composed and blank. Of course they were informed, it was clear that they had to be, but why would Thor’s friends be here if they weren’t aware that Skadi was going to be joining them?

Thor raised his hand in a placating gesture. “Come now, there is no need for that. She is with us.”

“If I may not be too blunt, may I ask why you are here?” Sif asked.

“No you may not.” She hissed.

Thor, ever the hero, quickly drew their attention to the matter at hand. “There will be time for this later. The Allfather awaits our presence.” He put a hand over Sif’s arm that had been carefully placed over the sword and with a growl he said, “For Loki.”

Her lips pressed into a thin line and her eyes tightened with emotion he couldn’t decipher. “Is it?” She questioned.

Fandral let out a nervous laugh and put a hand on Thor and Sif’s shoulder to guide them away. “Let’s meet with the Allfather.” Looking at Tony and Skadi, he motioned to the ship before them. “After you.”

They boarded it and he settled for the side closest to the driver. The others piled on and he tried to ignore the gaurds thag were stationed on either side of him and on the ends of the ship. At least here he could distract himself with the technicality of their method of flight. It was fascinating and the controls were pretty simple to understand. It looked to be more of a leisure ship than one made for battle.

In the distance, the sight of the castle with reflecting rays from the sun bouncing off of it was the most gorgeous thing he had ever seen. At least for about ten minutes before it just became pompous and flashy.

The trip was short, but by God was it the most uncomfortable trip he had experienced. It was so tense and he could tell it was because Skadi’s presence was setting everyone on edge. She didn’t even seemed phased though. Sitting casually besides Tony and staring out blankly at the view and acting as though she wasn’t aware of the looks sent her way.

He knew for a fact she was acting because the twitch of annoyance in her expression and the slight sheen of sweat that collected on her face. She was a Jötun though, so maybe the heat was affecting her? Asgard felt warmer actually, but she didn’t seem to need temperature control back in the tower, so either it was that or she was nervous.

He didn’t try to reach out and comfort her though. He wasn’t sure how the others would take it and he had to be extra careful now. He was in foreign territory after all. Wouldn’t be good to be pressing buttons.

They disembarked to stand before giant doors made of gold over forty feet tall. With a loud and horrendous groan, the doors opened and they made their way down the hall. It was all so presumptuous and in your face. Everything and everywhere he looked there was gold decorating even the smallest things. It was quickly becoming a color he loathed which said a lot actually considering that was one of his signature colors.

“What you come for, Thor, you must realize this is madness.” Volstagg whispered, but in the empty halls, it echoed.

Thor made a disgruntled noise. “You have no faith.”

Sif scoffed. “Thor, I have faith that you’ll do everything within your power to ensure that your brother will be freed. But I know your brother. He undoubtedly would have played his own hand in how this trial will conclude.”

“My brother is innocent. He has suffered enough.” His voice went strained. “He was tortured, my friends.”

“I too can pretend to sustain injuries and blame it on another.”

Fandral and Volstagg sucked in a harsh breath and Hogun just let out a small sigh.

A sour taste filled his mouth, but he shouldn’t be surprised. He had an inkling of what he was going to face here, but he just didn’t expect that he was going to be reminded of what he himself had gone through.

There had actually been people who refused to believe what Tony had been through after Afghanistan. They thought it was a call for attention, another scandal or some shit and he was forced to face skepticism for things he had no control over. He shouldn’t have been surprised to hear that there might be people like that here too. Ignorant woman. If she actually knew, she would recognize pain when she saw it.

He glanced over at Skadi with a frown on his face, but she seemed cool and levelheaded. Feeling his gaze on her face, she met his eyes and she seemed almost bored. Her nose twitched in barely restrained fury and he got the memo. She wasn’t unaffected, she was absolutely furious, but she wasn’t letting their words get to her too much.

Right. Keep it cool.

Sif put a hand on Thor’s wrist and his face was eerily calm, like he wasn’t even listening to her. Her words were sharp in contrast to her soft tone. “You love your brother, that is obvious, but I fear that you’ll only set yourself up for betrayal and pain. Your brother has such a sweet way with words and is an exceptional liar.”

To be fair, she seemed to have a point- he didn’t know him enough to dispute it- but he knew for a fact that the last thing someone like Loki- someone like _himself_ \- would want is to appear vulnerable and weak. He wanted the upper hand, he wanted to be in control, not be seen as anything less. And all those photos, those videos, and all that evidence he had piled up, does exactly _that_. It shows him at his lowest. When he’s sweaty and grimy, sallow and thin, and _obviously_ been put through the wringer.

And she hasn’t seen it, so her mistrust wasn’t completely in the wrong. She hasn’t seen the reality of it all. So with that knowledge, he couldn’t help how the way she spoke of him sent shivers of disgust down his spine. Just the way she seemed to spit out Loki’s name as if it were horrible to even mention it had him pressing his lips together. His stomach coiled uncomfortably.

He knew she didn’t know, but it didn’t stop him from snapping at her for even daring to accuse the poor bastard of faking it.

“Wait hold up.” Tony finally interrupted. “Aren’t you four supposed to have grown up with Loki? You know, like braid each other’s hair, make friendship bracelets and carve BFFs on the side of trees?” He asked. “Cause some shit friends you guys are and believe me, I have quite a list of em.” His interruption seemed to have gone as a surprise if their bewildered expression were anything to go by. “I didn’t know the guy and even I know that Loki isn’t the guy to come running with his tail between his legs.”

Thor bit his lip, but it looked like he was trying to hide a smile.

“And by the way, I gathered all the evidence I got. Not you, not Loki- me. So he didn’t have a hand in it at _all_.” He punctuated the word clearly. “And we have this thing on Earth or Midgard or whatever you wanna call it- that people who are clearly victims don’t get punished for things they were forced to do. It’s called ‘innocent under duress’ or you know- common sense.”

“I do not claim that he always had nefarious intents, he was soft-spoken when we were children, but you can’t deny who he is now.” Sif stammered out a reply looking offended at his jab to their intelligence. “Loki turned malicious and is far from innocent. He has killed your people, has he not? That blood is still on his hands regardless.”

He brushed off her words. “Did you not hear a word I said? I said he had no control over that. Whether he wanted to or not, he was still being forced to do those things.”

Skadi sighed and rubbed her eyes tiredly. “Oh sew your mouth, Stark.” Her lips pulled up in a wry and dark humored grin.

It seemed like an inside joke for her that the others definitely caught onto. They all collectively winced or glanced away. Yeah definitely something that he would have to ask Thor about later. His list of things to ask about was getting pretty fucking long.

“They will never listen to reason. Besides, her hatred is mostly centered around my dear Loki cutting off her luscious hair as children, isn’t that right Lady Sif?” Her smile was more of a baring of her teeth.

“You hate him because of that?” Tony asked incredulously.

“Over some small squabble? Please.” Sif murmured. “It was my hair, I was angry, but it grew back. I simply don’t trust him. He’s secretive and manipulative and doesn’t care about the people he hurts. Even those that care about him.”

“Alright, easy my companions.” Fandral stepped in between all of them. “We are having a joyous time amongst friends and sharing stories. No need to sour the mood with such negative topics now.”

“I’ll play nice.” Tony muttered. “Just as long as you all don’t take a shit on my work. I take grave offense.”

And in one way, it was partially because of the time and energy he spent on gathering up their case and on the other, it was because he could see the doubtless reporters commenting and doubting his story in Sif’s words. Still, he had to realize that Sif wasn’t them and Loki wasn’t him. Then why had he felt so protective? Did he feel threatened perhaps?

They couldn’t see his face so for that he was grateful. He didn’t want to see just how their words had shaken him up. The bead of sweat rolled down his face and he winced in discomfort. If only he could take off the suit.

They wouldn’t harm him right? He pondered that thought as he looked over them. No matter what their words entailed, they didn’t look like bad people. They looked nervous and they looked at Thor with pity, but they didn’t seem like petty people either and definitely not Sif. Her voice was strong and she didn’t hesitate to correct him when he accused her of hating him for such a small reason. She definitely held a grudge over that, but it was clear that she didn’t hate him. No, her eyes were too expressive. She just looked dissapointed and her words rang true with experience.

Even Skadi had remained silent and her own eyes held a trace of recognition. Maybe Loki had never betrayed her, but he had definitely hurt Skadi then. Maybe unintentionally, but it had happened either way. But they weren’t getting anything done just standing around and Thor was remarkably quiet and looked lost in thought.

He wondered how he felt. He was essentially put in the middle and pulled in two different directions. It couldn’t have been easy to listen. Definitely not.

Sif was watching Tony with a less than thrilled expression. “He is not the same Loki as before, Man of Iron. I only have the same contempt for the man who wears Loki’s face as he does for me. Do not be seduced by his tongue.” She warned.

That sounded strangely suggestive. He had to bite his lip from saying something that might offend Thor or maybe even the rest of Asgard. Surely by insinuating that Loki would _probably_ be more than seducing with his tongue than without it, would not go over well with them. He didn’t even know if liking the same sex was allowed in Asgard.

With a nervous laugh, Fandral nodded at Tony’s words and moved ahead. They had consciously put distance as the walked ahead. With Skadi and Tony towards the back and Thor walking quietly in the middle, Thor was sandwiched between his friends from Asgard and Tony and Skadi. It was ironic and metaphorical that the distinction was made so clear.

Thor sighed and looked over at him with an apology. “They lost their trust in my brother. Though they’re not in the wrong.”

Skadi didn’t touch him, but she pushed him away with her glare. Thor looked down the hall with a frown.

How long had Loki been subjected to such distrust and open distaste? How long had he gone without the chance to gain back their trust? Or did he even want it back? His head swarmed with thoughts.

He followed Thor silently, loving the architecture and smooth designs in the walls that he hadn’t had the chance to properly examine before their small argument took place. It was awkward and he could definitely feel the tension. Eventually, the large doors at the end of the hall opened with a loud groan.

The room before him looked like a large courtroom with intricate seats lining up the walls. There were older looking men and woman and if their fancy looking clothes suggested anything, it was that they made up the royal court that Thor had mentioned once or twice. The other half of the room, flanking his left and right side were full of people. Commoners apparently, all eager to catch a glimpse of the first human man to set foot on Asgard and to see what becomes of their second prince.

Now, before the king, he removed his armor and stepped out to the sound of murmuring and awed gasps. He sighed in relief and took the time to smoothen out his clothes and wipe his face a bit discreetly. The suit compacted into a suitcase and he entrusted it to Skadi, who rolled her eyes at his clothes.

“What?” He asked quietly. He thought he looked rather dashing with the navy three piece even if Skadi just shook her head in exasperation. Yeah sure it’s a bit more proffessional to go with simple charcoal and conservative, but it’s not like they would know what humans wear. “It’s Brioni Vanquish. You didn’t think I was gonna wear a Zoot suit did you? And I sure as hell won’t be caught dead in a Kiton either.”

Howard had coined the Kiton suit, so yeah, no.

Besides, Skadi herself had said he had to look his best and he wondered if her idea of looking good differed from his own. Well, he looked over her clothes. It was a more traditional in a sense and it kind of reminded him of the desert kind of style. She had a short and tight top that hung off her shoulders and exposed her midriff, but her flowy skirt was high on her waist. There was a drapey and long robe the finished her outfit and she had flat and simple shoes.

Everything was neutral and soft colors since she said her pale skin and white hair didn’t contrast well with dark colors. Even her jewelry, the silver bands on her arms and ankles, were simple and pretty. It had cost a pretty nickle, but she was comfortable in the clothing and this was what she said her people sort of wore back on her home planet when there was something important to attend to.

Apart from that, everyone walked around mostly nude because of the heat and because they didn’t have any shame in that.

And for some reason, it brought him back to the night before. He remembered sitting at the dining room table eating a bowl of cereal that was dry and chalky. It was something that Pepper had insisted on buying because it was healthy and was still sitting untouched in his pantry.

Skadi has been eating a bowl besides him with a peculiar expression, unsure if she liked it or not. “So what’s gonna happen up there?” He had asked. “We just go up and slap the evidence down and all-daddy takes Loki out from the prison cells?”

Skadi grunted. “As if it were that easy.” She said. She pushed away her bowl with a disgusted expression. She didn’t like it then. “Odin is the king yes, however his sentence was not entirely his own.” Her hand moved about as she explained. “The allfather was more than content to have Loki locked up, but the royal court wanted a say. They discussed things with Odin and convinced him to give a different sentence.”

Tony frowned in confusion. “I thought the king had all the power.”

She nodded in agreement. “He does. Although the people had to be given a false sense of comfort. Thus the royal council. They bear no real power, but the Allfather has to abide to their whims once in awhile to maintain that illusion- That they have any say at all. After all, the Aesir are stubborn and prideful people and will not hesitate to fight for what they believe is right.”

“Can’t be a king if you have no people to rule.” He said as a statement rather than a question and she had hummed in agreement.

“From what I know, the Allfather had to listen to them and he alone told Loki of his sentence, without a trial or audience. However, now, to reverse a sentencing, you must go up to the court with an audience and convince the Allfather. Although I have not seen or met the cold-hearted bastard in so long, he will not be so eager to overturn Loki’s sentencing.” She closed her eyes in what seemed to be reluctant acceptance. “Odin has never been affectionate, much less warm to Loki so I can’t imagine he has much fondness left for him.”

“Why do they hate Loki so much?” Tony asked. “What’s he done?”

Skadi sighed. “Loki wasn’t a bad person. He was innocent and kept to himself as a child as I have said before. It is only recently when he invaded Midgard and… the situation with Jötunheim that he has lashed out violently. But they are all ignorant; scared by someone they couldn’t understand and so they shunned him.”

Standing before the courtroom, he felt the weight of their eyes on his shoulders. All these people, they just wanted a show. They didn’t truly want Loki to be pardoned, they just wanted the next scoop. And he hated it. It was like sharks in the water just waiting for a drop of blood. But Thor had said the lower class people had liked Loki. Maybe to some degree, but he hoped it would make a difference. He really did hope.

Now, he stared ahead at the man sitting on a golden throne at the end of the court in all his glory. He peered at them with a single cold eye, the other covered by an eyepatch, and held onto an intricate staff. He had an air of sophistication and power. Odin himself.

All of a sudden, it felt like maybe his suit wasn’t exactly to their standards and he blanched a bit. Oh well. You could never go wrong with the three-piece style and there was no turning back now. Thor hadn’t said anything either so maybe things hadn’t already gotten off on a bad note.

There was noise and chatter amongst the whole court as they made their way down the hall and stopped just before the throne. Odin stood up and banged his staff three times. The sound itself was powerful and ominous and a silence overcame the entire room. Thor tugged him down to a bow and followed suit. Skadi, despite her inherent dislike for the king, did not hesitate to bow as well.

“My king,” Thor spoke. “Before you, is Anthony Stark of Midgard and Skadi of Jötunheim.” There was a collective sound of gasps and crude, vile words in the wake of her name. They were clearly displeased at her presence.

Tony felt the urge to hide her body with his own from the cruel eyes of Asgard, but he didn’t. He knew full well that any gesture could be misconstrued and besides, he didn’t think she’d apreciate his protectiveness. Glancing over at her, she seemed unaffected at the display of open hostility, but he could see the nervous shake of her hands and dry, audible swallow.

“We have come here today with proof of what really happened during the Chitauri invasion of Midgard.”

There was a round of murmuring going around, before Odin raised a hand and everyone was silenced. “Very well. I will listen.”

Thor and Skadi both sent Tony a look. That was his cue. Tony straightened up and took out his phone and pulled up a holographic wall. Everything from photos to videos and audio taken from Barton, Thor, and Skadi. Even a few from people who had been under the stone’s influence and worked with Loki talked about their point of view. They mentioned things that didn’t add up and well, he just hoped it was enough.

It wasn’t at all like a normal trail and Thor had explained to him as such. Still, he felt like it could’ve gone smoother. He answered questions when asked, rebutted against claims, tried to bring up Skadi’s part, but it was quickly shot down. They didn’t accept anything she brought up only because of the blood running through her veins. It made him furious.

It was tedious and horribly drawn out, but it was not as hard as he thought. It could’ve gone worse, but he was lucky it didn’t. Of course there was no way anyone was going to take everything he was saying with a grain of salt. He expected more outrage, screaming, maybe even some more drama to add to the mixture, but no.

In fact, they all seemed rather ashamed. Not because they had come to a realization of what really happened, but because of Loki’s debility. He could see it in their eyes; the disgrace, the scorn, the shame. He could hear it in the whispers; the mockery, the chagrin, the mortification. Hell, he could feel it. They weren’t compassionate or sorry, they were just ashamed that their Prince had fallen so low and had been tortured into submission.

But he hadn’t submitted. No, Earth was still free and Thanos had lost that battle. He wanted them to know that Loki had fought and that’s why Earth was still, for the most part, okay.

And he did, but when he turned to Thor to get him to support his claim, he knew his words didn’t really make a difference. Thor still did his best, he still told his father and his people about Loki’s complex and successful plan to fight back, even if it hadn’t seemed that way, but Tony could see it in his eyes. He was crestfallen and bitter. Thor had always known that this would hurt Loki just as much as it would help him.

Loki’s name would forever be tainted by something he had no control of. He would still be less than a man in their eyes because Tony had dared to show everyone how beaten and vulnerable Loki had been.

Still, it had to go on. With Barton’s recorded audio, even Skadi’s small information on Thanos and such, it was quick to silence the whole courtroom. They took the information about someone looking to collect the infinity stones very seriously.

It was good and Odin was calm and listened intently, but the royal council was making things hard. They asked well drawn out questions and butted in when they weren’t wanted, but after years of dealing with interviewers and military personnel, he had learned to navigate these waters. Foreign waters, but they were all the same.

But in the end, Tony was not a diplomat and he was losing patience real quick into it. He was glad that he didn’t have to do it in the suit because he didn’t think he could endure both at the same time.

Thankfully, it felt like things were coming to a wrap. Not from anything that was said, but a feeling. It was actually not as hard to convince Odin of what had happened. Some of the more shocking evidence and controversial facts of Loki’s case was met only with a blank expression and eyes that held a knowing look.

As the trial continued, he was more and more led to believe that either Odin was extremely good at maintaining a poker face or that he had known the entire time. He hoped that it wasn’t the latter because if it was true, then he let his own son be locked up and punished for things that were out of his control.

“Your proof has been well-founded and very thorough, Stark.” Odin spoke. “I do not see why a prisoner shall remain in exile for crimes of which he did not commit.”

A man spoke up, an old bearded man who shared strange similarities to Odin. “Loki is not only sentenced for his crimes on Midgard, of which we can all agree have been pardoned, but of his crimes against Jötunheim.”

Was this what Skadi had warned him about when she had mentioned Jötunheim the night before?

There was an uproar at that, whether it be for Loki or against him. Shouts of, “He has done us a great favor!” Or “He has foresaken our peaceful ways!” Were among the most common.

Skadi scoffed and hung her head. Lost, Tony looked at her for answers. That name or planet had come up more than twice now in the context as Loki and he had an inkling that he was missing something important. And clearly this was something that was important enough that it had people arguing for Loki when just minutes earlier they had maliciously spoken about him.

She shook her head and whispered, “In due time. It is not my place to say.”

“And he has paid his dues.” Odin said in response to the other man. “Now, Villi, do you argue for Loki to be punished for what he has done there, or will your hate for the Jötnar lavish Loki for his actions?” A loaded question that left many silent. The man held himself, red in the face and another man, looking similar like him, pulled him down forcefully and took his place.

“We all do agree that Loki, by his exile to Jötunheim, has paid for his crimes. Shall he still be there and bearing their punishments, he will be welcomed to Asgard by us, the Council. That is all.” The man said.

A pin could be heard dropped in the room. Tony paused, mouth open and stunned as the suffocating tension enveloped the room. He had perhaps underestimated the amount of hostility between the Asgardians and the Jötnar.

But that led to a far more bitter revelation. One that did not bode well in his stomach. Loki was on Jötunheim. Not on Asgard.

And with a glance around, it seems as though no one else knew about it either.

There was a crackling of thunder and lightning flashed outside, intense and rolling with ferocity. One look at Thor made him take a few steps back. His eyebrows had furrowed and his lip pulled back in a snarl, his eyes cold and vicious as he stared up at his own father. It was a terrifying sight and Tony had honestly never seen him look so vehement.

Skadi pulled Thor a few step back, looking stricken and tense. There was a few cries of outrage at her touch on their crowned prince. She hastily let go and Tony grabbed her shaking hands. “You musn’t lose your priorities, Odinson.” She said instead. It seemed to add fuel to the fire as another loud crack of lightning flashed through the gaps from outside. The people cowered and many cried out in fear.

Odin cracked his staff against the floor. “This concludes Loki’s trial. He shall be pardoned for his crimes on Midgard and returned should the people of Jötunheim be satisfied with the punishment Loki has received. Leave us.” He said.

The people were quick to leave, quiet and stunned into submission. The council left as well, fuming and angry, but Tony couldn’t bring himself to send them a smug expression, too focused on the palpable tension between Odin and Thor to do anything else.

Skadi pulled on his arm. “Come.”

“But-.” He still had things to discuss. Ambassador shit to do. He stayed put, but she easily dragged him along.

“We came to clear Loki’s name. It is done. We should not be here.” She hissed. Quickly, they left the room, the sound of the doors closing behind them ominously.

“What’s going on?” He asked. “Everything was going great wasn’t it?”

He only paid little attention as a servant bowed to them, introducing herself and began to lead them to where they were going to be staying. Despite the majestic halls and graceful architecture, he was focused on what had just happened.

“It was. But things aren’t so simple Stark.” She said. “Not everyone knows about what really happened. It’s been kept well under wraps out of shame and guilt.”

“What _really_ happened then?” The servant guided them to their rooms and she bid them farewell. He was shoved into a room and the door shut behind Skadi. “Hey. Easy!” He cursed.

The room was big and well decorated. It looked fit for a king honestly.

Skadi settled onto the love seat, shoulders hunching down and she looked utterly exhausted. “It really isn’t my place to say.” She whispered.

He was filled instantly with guilt. She was laying herself bare and showing so much emotion that he felt unworthy of it. He always knew, but hadn’t known just how much of a façade she was wearing. Her dark and bruised eyes contrasted harshly against her pale skin and her weariness was visbile. Nightmares. She’s been suffering under his own roof and he hadn’t been able to help her like he wanted to.

“Wipe that look off your face mortal.” She hissed. “I need not your pity.”

“It’s not pity. It’s compassion…” He trailed off. That was awfully familiar to what he had said to-.

“Well, what has Thor told you? About Aesir and Jötun relationships?” She asked, cutting off his train of thought.

“Well that they’re mortal enemies, but made a treaty so that they wouldn’t get into any more wars with each other.”

“And?” She urged.

He shrugged.

Skadi groaned and put her palms to her eyes. “Fool.” She hissed. “Thousands of years ago, Jötunheim invaded Midgard. It was during a time of great imperialism and colonialism, but Asgard intercepted and defeated them, sending them running back to Jötunheim. Thousands died in that battle. However, one would think that sending them back was where it stopped, but it wasn’t like that. Guided by glory, Odin led his troops after them.”

Tony winced.

Now that was just barbaric.

“Covered in Jötunheim’s blood, he stole their most prized possession. The Casket of Winters. Without it, he had doomed the people to certain death.”

At his questioning expression, she elaborated.

“Think of the casket as… water. Without it, it’s impossible to grow vegetation or maintain livestock. The people will also become hungry and dehydrated. Death won’t come quick. It’s a slow and painful process. This is what it entails when Odin decided to take it.”

“That…” Tony took a seat next to her. “That’s horrible.” To not only steal something so meaningful, but to doom an entire planet after already beating them. That was all different sorts of cruel. And to leave them to suffer for so long was horrifying in its own way.

She just shrugged nonchalantly. “I care not. I only remember a broken planet from my few visits, but yes. I suppose it is.” Skadi began braiding a lock of her pale hair. “With that information, you mustn’t shy away from what I am about to tell you.”

Tony shifted to look better at her. “All ears.” He said. He trusted her enough that she wouldn’t lie, but he saw no reason why she would in the first place. Although, sometimes he wished that she did if only to spare himself from whatever brutally honest things she had to say.

“The public here is very prideful.”

“Oh really? I didn’t realize-.”

“Stark.” She huffed out, snorting all the same. “Patience. They parade around with hatred visible on their bosoms about Jötunheim and tell their children stories of ravenous Jötnar who come to take bad children at night. It is both a curse and a horror story for those here. It has accumulated over thousands of years, Stark.”

“So what does that mean for you?” Tony asked. “They know you have Jötun blood, but are you in danger?” At her look, he knew that he had answered his own question.

“We run off course.” She hesitated. “Loki’s trial. It is as much irony as it pains me to say it, but, Loki was banished there and for a good reason. It’s almost a poetic end and they had to quell the rising threats of war somehow. What better than to send someone that the Jötnar would very much want? Especially after the fire that Loki had rained down upon them. Make no mistake,” She hissed. “Although Loki had not intended to attack Midgard, he has a lot of blood staining his hands, not just Midgardian blood.”

With that, she leaned back, analyzing him and waiting to see his reaction. He had none. He knew Loki had blood staining his hands, but it wouldn’t change much of what he thought of Loki. After all, Loki was not a friend or even an acquaintance. They just needed him to help.

At his nod, she seemed satisfied enough to continue. “Loki is not of Odin.” Tony swallowed down his nerves and nodded. He knew that much at least. “The casket of winter was merely the second thing Odin took.”

“What was the first thing?”

She tilted her head and just stared, waiting patiently.

Oh. Tony’s mouth fell open. _Oh_. It made sense. Why he would be exiled back to Jötunheim, not just because of what he had done- which he wasn’t sure what he _did_ do- but because of his relation to them and why Loki seemed so distinct from everyone else here on Asgard. It was painfully obvious that Loki just didn’t fit in.

But to be raised in this kind of environment? To be indirectly reduced to nothing more than a hideous abomination? Jeez. Talk about self-esteem issues. “Why did Odin take him. Did everyone know about Loki? Did Loki know?” It was something that he didn’t need to know, but felt like he should.

She shook her head. “I don’t know why Odin took him and no. No one else knows of this save for Heimdall, the Allmother of course before her untimely death, and just recently in past years, Thor and Loki; which is why Loki is still alive. They would have never let a Jötun runt live here on Asgard. And before you ask, Loki never told me what really happened. We had only met once while he reigned king and before his… fall. I haven’t seen him for a couple years, but he didn’t know. He had only found out after Thor’s invasion to Jötunheim.”

Tony raised his hand and stopped her there. Her face twisted in irritating, but he didn’t really care. He had to be sure they were talking about the same person. “Wait- Thor? Big soft, ‘no fighting unless necessary, but I will enjoy it’ Thor?”

Skadi sighed in exasperation, but conceded. “It was- it was not without reason. Not all completely.” She rubbed the bridge of her nose and huffed. “There had been two Jötuns that trespassed during Thor’s coronation and so Thor was not crowned and out of fury, he went to Jötunheim looking for a fight. The Jötuns had broken the treaty first, but he was responsible for the death of over two-hundred Jötnar lives. Many of which were women and children who had been caught in the falling mountains of ice.”

Something about that didn’t seem right and it looked like she wasn’t completely saying the whole truth. She reached out to him and he grabbed her hand easily. “This is a culture centered around battle and honor. Odinson may be different now, but he has much more blood on his hands than I’d care to admit.”

“Does he know?” Does he regret it? He wanted to ask, but really, it wasn’t a question he could ask her.

“I don’t know if Thor knows, Stark.” She whispered. “He’s a man of honor and I know that if he knew that it wasn’t just warriors that were caught in the crossfire, then he’d feel so much regret and resentment towards himself.”

Tony felt his shoulders slump downwards. He hadn’t really thought of it like that. He had been blissfully unaware of the potential blood on Thor’s hands. He really didn’t have much of a say either. Everyone had blood on their hands, he was no better. He was here for only one purpose. To get Loki to help them prepare for Thanos.

The thunder tumbled on outside. Lightning flashing over the dark clouds. Now it made sense why Thor had been so cross with his father. Why he didn’t return at all. Why he didn’t know of Loki’s sentence. It all made sense now. Odin had practically thrown his own son to the wolves.

“There are much things that haven’t been said, but it is not my story to tell. You know much, but it is not even a fraction of what is going on.

There was a loud crack of thunder and then silence. The clouds began to disappear and with it, some moonlight poured through. “Yeah.” Tony muttered. He stared at the pale glow bathing the room. “Figures.”

________________

“Hey.” Tony whispered.

He sat down next to Loki. They were sitting under the golden fruited tree this time. He stared at the man who had his gaze firmly on the sunset in front of them. Now, he was observing everything he hadn’t been able to the night before. His hair was definitely not as wiry and greasy as when they had first met in New York nor is his face as pale and gauntly. He was fuller like one should be.

“Hello, Stark.” Loki whispered.

They remained in a sort of peaceful silence. He didn’t feel like breaking the silence just yet and it seemed like his dream Loki didn’t want to either. It really was beautiful. The view, the flowers, the tree with the fruits that looked awfully close to plums.

Finally, he couldn’t help, but ask. “What is this place?” He didn’t expect a concrete answer considering this was all just a figment of his imagination, but he was curious with how far he could take this.

Loki hummed. His eyes were closed and he took in slow even breaths.

“It was my mother’s garden.” He murmured. Eventually, his eyes opened and the green of his eyes looked more like a golden hue than the usual emerald. “She would spend hours upon hours here, gathering all sorts of herbs and flowers and taking great care in all of them. I loved spending time here.”

It was hard not to see the appeal of this garden. “I lost my mother.” He whispered. Feeling Loki’s eyes on him, he continued. “She wasn’t the sweetest or warmest, but she was my mom and she loved me. I don’t have a lot of memories of her, but of the few I do, I just remember the good stuff, you know?” He rubbed his wrist and tried to ignore the sudden tightening of his throat. It had been so long, but the pain was still there. “My dad wasn’t the best either. He was cold and calculating. I could never live up to his expectations. I was always a dissapointment.”

Loki nodded softly. “So strange, that it be you who I share much with.” He met his eyes, calculating and closed off. “I hold fond feelings for my mother despite the fact that we don’t share the same blood. For Odin, however, I hold nothing, but anger and resentment. He was content to let me live on in mockery as I trailed after him for his attention and praise, and yet-“

“Can’t seem to bring yourself to hate him completely?” Tony finished.

Loki seemed stunned for a brief second and his expression was quickly schooled into a cool and blank look.

”Yeah, I guess you and I really are similar. I didn’t wish for his death or anything, but I honestly don’t feel anything for him.” Tony admitted. “Although you’re probably just going off on whatever my brain is telling you. A bit unoriginal in the tragic backstory department, but what can you do?”

Loki brushed the strand of hair behind his ear. He nodded to himself as if coming to a sort of conclusion. “Our minds must be quiet the spectacle. Imaginative and complex. Deeper meanings within every word we share.” He said. “You believe I am part of your imagination while I am certain that you are a figment of mine.”

“How do you suppose I prove that I’m the real one and you’re the fake?”

Loki huffed out a laugh. “Oh Stark. I’m always the fake. However, the illusion trying to prove the other illusion real will be quite ineffective. We have no way to prove to the other so.”

Tony felt his own lips curl up. “Yeah you’re right. None of what happens here matters anyway.” He reached out and motioned between the two of them. “Iron Man and the God of Lies.”

Loki wore a sly grin, full of teeth, and narrowed eyes that gleamed dangerously. “While most may agree with you, I am no liar. I mold the truth into what I desire.”

“Ha. You rhymed.” Stark pointed out.

Loki rolled his eyes, but he didn’t seem annoyed. “Stark.”

“Right, sorry.” He smiled, but motioned for him to continue.

“As for my illusions, they are not lies either. I manipulate what it is that one sees. You will never see who I really am, Stark.”

Tony snapped back with ease and a teasing smile all the same. “Has anyone really seen? Have you?” Loki’s grin only turned wider, his expression was tight.

________________

“Thor, for the love of everything holy, just calm the fuck down.” Tony groaned.

He was sick of watching Thor stomp back and forth and grind his teeth while cursing out everything from the smallest inconvenience to someone just breathing wrong next to him.

“You’ll just pop on back home and then prepare to go pick up your lil bro from Jotunheim in a space Uber. There. Problem solved.”

Skadi scoffed at his words and picked at her fingernails.

Her voice was hoarse and raspy and she hasn’t said much. She looked tired and pale. Well, _paler_ than she already did. She was a more sickly grey and the bags under her eyes were more prominent.

Apparently someone _had_ tried to kill her last night, but since Heimdall was on watch, he had notified Odin. After all, despite Odin giving them all a safe haven under the guise as guests, it didn’t mean that some people weren’t bitter over having Skadi there. Apparently her Jötnar blood was too impure despite her other half was that of a light elf.

Well regardless, the man, a guard, had snuck in and had wrapped his hands around her throat leaving a mesh of ugly purple and red, before she managed to throw him off and some other guards burst in after hearing the commotion and dragged him away. His trial would go on later in the day.

Tony shot her a pout and tried not to stare at the fingerprints visible on her throat. She wouldn’t appreciate it even if Skadi acted like it didn’t bother her. Maybe it did, maybe it didn’t. He didn’t know. Either way, he should’ve tried harder to convince her into staying in the same room as him.

“I fear things may not be so simple, friend.” Thor muttered. “My brother was exiled to Jötunheim. I know they will not take his life, but I know those- _they_ will have punished him horribly for his past actions.”

Skadi hissed through her teeth. “Don’t think I didn’t catch that little slip up. For starters, your brother shares the same blood as those beasts as you were about to call them. You think cursing them out of Loki’s hearing will not harm him, but cursing them at all is the same! And for another, although I hate to admit it, Loki had brought down a grave amount of pain to them. Their anger would be justified.”

Thor looked embarrassed, but he just nodded.

Tony frowned at her. “I thought you didn’t want him there.”

“I do not. But make no mistake, I feel it is unfair that he should be sentenced there when the Allfather himself and many other people of this place have done things as well, and in the Allfather’s case, has done far worse to them than Loki has and not received any consequence.”

Well then yeah, that made sense. It was a corrupt and horrible system really. One that had it’s basis around violence and honor. At least on earth they recognized that and tried to change it, but it didn’t seem like Asgard shared that sentiment.

“You must accompany him too.”

“What?” Tony stared at her with a stunned expression. “Hold up, no, no, no. No way!” He waved his hands around. “I just came here to clear your brothers name so he can come back and kick some alien ass.”

Thor shook his head. “I have their blood on my hands. I cannot ask any other Aesir to join me at my side as it would be seen as hostile, however a midgardian such as yourself will be able to calm the waters a bit. So to speak.”

So essentially a buffer between them. One who has no bad blood between either of them. It made sense, but damnit, if it didn’t make him angry. For fucks sake. He thought that once he had this finished, his mind would finally clear up and he wouldn’t be seeing a certain green-eyed man in his dreams anymore.

“What about Skadi?”

“No.” She croaked.

“Why not?” He argued back.

“Because I said so.” She hissed. The look in her eyes just dared him to ask anything else, but he could see the fear and relunctance behind that anger. And so, he kept his mouth shut.

Thor sighed.

Regardless, they left it at that. Honestly though, he thought it would’ve been much more of a challenge to clear Loki’s name. Well at least, to clear him of what happened in New York. But if the Asgardians were anything, it was straightforward. Once the Allfather gives his word, it’s final so in terms of saving time, that was definitely a plus.

They were also quick to shut down anything else. He had requested to talk to the Allfather again after breakfast to at least attempt anything remotely close to treaties and partnerships, and Odin was quick to clear up anything. He said in an intimidating gruff that Asgard was already an ally and would continue to watch over it, but not interfere with Earth’s own relations and pick sides. However, he would think about things such as trade.

Well, it wasn’t what he had come for, but it would be enough to shut up the League of Nations at least.

“So what’s going to happen now?” Tony asked as they made their way down the halls to the bifrost. The plan had been to send Skadi back once they were finished and cleared up Loki’s name, but now it seems like things were different with Loki being on Jötunheim and what not.

Skadi looked ahead, face twisted into a grimace. “I will return to my home.” She responded.

Thor grunted, expression just a bit cross. Tony ignored him, irritated at having to constantly be the middle ground for them both. Biting his lip, he nodded at her words. Although he didn’t agree with it, he had no place to ask her to stay with them until they found Loki. It was unexpected though that she wouldn’t stay until they found him. After all, from what she’s said, they were close.

He put himself in her place for a bit. If it was Rhodey or even Pepper, he would’ve definitely stayed to find them. There was no question, but he could see and understand Skadi. The tight expression and her lips pressed together, shoulders slightly hunched up. It was easy to see that she was terrified.

Whether they liked it or not, Loki was a prisoner on Jötunheim. A place that hated the Aesir and had a bone to pick with Loki after whatever thing he had done. Even if they didn’t kill him, he wasn’t going to come out unscathed.

No matter how strong Skadi was, she was still someone with complex emotions and fears. Seeing someone close to her after being mistreated, as he was bound to be, must be something she didn’t want to experience. Especially if she had just come from a few years in captivity enduring torture as well.

Giving her a small reassuring smile, her shoulders relaxed minutely. They walked down the halls in silence until they came across a barren hall. There were no guards or servants in that area and it looked like it had been forgotten. There was no dust accumulating, but it looked too clean, like it hadn’t been lived in for years.

There was also a sense of foreboding in that direction. Like something was missing and he needed to _go_ there. The same tingling in his chest drew him forward. It urged him to touch the intricate designs of the doors at the end of the hallway.

“Tony?” Thor had whispered tentatively just as he held his hand over the door.

Startled, he swiveled his head over at Thor and Skadi, both who were more than a couple feet away from him. Both were staring at him oddly. He hadn’t realized that he had stopped walking. His silence had them both frowning in concern.

Skadi raised a pale eyebrow. “Do you find yourself alright, Stark?”

He pointed at the door at the end of the hallway. “What’s over there?”

“I don’t see anything.” Skadi muttered. Her eyes fluttered about, seeing everywhere, but where he pointed. Her eyes just a bit glazed over too.

Thor stepped forward when Skadi only frowned in confusion. He stopped in front of him, silent and peering down at the hallway.

Eyes sad and longing, he whispered, “Loki’s room.” He shook his head softly. “No one has taken this passage and since Loki’s fall, it has all been abandoned. Besides that, his wards and runes have hidden his room to less than keen eyes. I am surprised that you were able to see it.”

Tony laughed nervously and swallowed dryly. “Well, you know me.” He said. “I live to surprise.” His voice faded off.

Skadi shifted from foot to foot. “Loki only ever let me inside when he wanted to.” It was her way of acknowledging her inability to see the hallway. It seemed to have a double meaning as it was clear she was not only talking about his room.

The rest of the walk went uneventful. Now walking to the bifrost, something seemed to aggravate at his mind. The planet literally had an edge and it was something that he only noticed on the way back. Getting closer, it was clear that the water was tumbling over the edge and into the inky blackness of space. The void.

Thor grabbed his should and pushed him back into his seat. “It’s a long way down.”

Tony opened his mouth only to close it again as realization seeped in. Thor only eyed him with a dull expression. Now the barrier along the rainbow bridge made sense. He peered at the void ahead of them. That was where Loki had fallen. How he had managed to do that made perfect sense now.

How could Loki have done it? Was he afraid? Did he lose his mind? He was sure he would’ve.

Down below, the void was familiar. It had been the same one he had shot through to throw the nuke at Chitauri. Only being there for a few seconds and he already felt intimate with it’s hold. The void’s cold grasp curling around him and the whispering in his ear was a part of him now.

He shivered in his seat.

They arrived to the bifrost and Skadi was the first to go. Before taking off her translator and handing it back to him, she spoke low in her voice and he could hear the sharp and elegance of her language as his own translator made out her words. “Promise me. Contact me if anything goes awry. Heimdall will notify me.”

“I promise.”

She smiled and there was no hugging or tears, but her squeeze on his hands felt painful. “Goodbye, Stranger.”

In a blur of rainbow, she disappeared back to Alfheim. Preparing himself for the trip, he listened to Heimdall turn the bifrost. The loud cranking of gears shifting about grated in his ears. Throwing one last look at Asgard, Tony tried to commit it to memory. Both Thor and he stepped into the bridge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I said I’ll try to post everyday and I mean - emphasis on - try. Never been too good at upholding my own goals. But here’s this mess of a chapter so enjoy!


	6. Unbound Hair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now they’re making plans to Jötunheim, but that may seem like a harder task than previous thought if he was being honest. Plus, Loki certainly wasn’t making his nights any easier.
> 
> A few memories and revelations makes for a pretty horrible few minutes that Loki’s not ready for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stuck in chapter 22, don’t know what to do, don’t know where to go. Was I inspired by song lyrics? Yes I was.
> 
> *there is a scene where Loki is severely wounded and it’s a little graphic*

The penthouse was silent as usual when they arrived. No chattering, no smell of food wafting from the kitchen, and no one on the couch lounging about. Everything was just as how he had left it. Empty.

Thor and he gave each other a murmured goodnight and went their separate ways.

He hadn’t expected it to be as emotionally tiring as it had been, although he couldn’t imagine what Thor was feeling. Angry obviously, but he had to be a conflicting mess of guilt and regret. After all, it wasn’t everyday that you find out your brother was tossed aside on an enemy planet to become a prisoner for a race that you hate.

Or maybe trying not to hate? Cause it seemed like Thor was legitimately working out his own issues with it.

Yikes. That was a whole pile of shit that he didn’t want to get into and Thor had not mentioned one word about it. Not one.

He’s just starting to think that everything that happened with Asgard was family drama. Which come to think of it, he probably has to do some research about Norse mythology. The only reason for putting it off was because of how unreliable he believed a lot of it to be.

Stories tended to be far fetched and exaggerated. They couldn’t be trusted as primary sources. There was also the fact that even if they were just stories, they had to have some basis in truth. He just was uneager to find out which part and didn’t really want to damage his and Thor’s friendship.

Tony laid down onto the covers of his bed, clothes and all. He was physically and mentally tired. Legs aching and head pounding, he tried to sleep. He tossed and turned, forgoing his clothes and slipping under the sheets in the nude, and he tried to get comfortable.

Yet, sleep evaded him for hours.

His mind was too awake. He knew he would be seeing Loki in his sleep. It was a given. The guy had literally been in his thoughts for the past week. Loki’s face was in his dreams, his voice in his ears, and his name in his mouth. Sure the guy was mentioned literally _everyday_ , but his dreams made no sense.

They had at first consisted of him trying to talk to Loki, but the last two were of just sitting down and chatting with him. No epiphany, not something meant to provoke a deeper thought either, just chatting about whatever comes up. His brain created stupid scenarios that didn’t exist. Giving a false story to a fake face.

It wasn’t even a wet dream. _That_ he could explain. He could admit that he had found the man attractive, who wouldn’t? Dark hair, green eyes, sharp tongue. Those legs though, by god were they long, and his hands. Ah, he hadn’t thought hands could be so attractive, but there Loki was, prancing about with those sinfull fingers.

Now that was a thought, he could almost laugh.

Yeah, Loki was good looking and his own mind had made Loki like men, so things could’ve gone in that direction, but it didn’t. Now he was stuck with having complicated and complex dreams about a guy he didn’t even really know.

Letting out a sigh, he felt his stomach twist at the turn his thoughts had gone.

The guy was probably having one of the worst times of his life and here he was wondering why he wasn’t having wet dreams about him. Not only that, but that was Thor’s brother he was thinking about. That was just wrong.

It didn’t take long for the loneliness to creep back in. He kinda missed Skadi’s presence now. He could talk to her- maybe- and she’d probably slap him and then call him out on his shit and then he’d stop having Loki on his mind. Oh well. She wasn’t there so he had to make due.

And he didn’t think that Skadi would appreciate being called up via Mr. Vouyerist, just so he can talk about his inability to stop dreaming about Loki.

Shucking on some sweats and a favorite tee of his, he made his way down to his lab. He grabbed a cup of hot coffee on his way, chugging it quickly and refilling it again. Though his eyes felt heavy, working till he couldn’t stay up was the only way he was going to catch some shut eye.

He projected some files in the air. Jötunheim. That was their next destination apparently. “Friday, gather up everything we’ve heard about Jötunheim.”

“Very well. I will upload the information from the Mark 48 that you wore to my system.”

Tony raised an eyebrow. “Shouldn’t it have been already uploaded?”

“Yes, however you spent a day in Asgard, but here on Earth, you were gone for eight days, nineteen hours, six minutes, and thirty-two seconds.” There was pause and then she added, “Not that I was counting, Boss.”

He felt his mouth part in surprise.

He was gone for over a week?! Why the hell hadn’t Thor mentioned that time works differently up there?

Quickly skimming over new information about what had happened in his absence and seeing the countless messages from both Rhodey and Pepper, he concluded that yeah, he had been gone for way longer than he expected.

Well at least things had improved in his absence.

The League of Nations had begun funding defenses and weapons all the same, set forth a bill that united many research groups on technology gathered from the Chitauri to try and build something either to defend from them or to use against them, and so forth.

The most surprising though, was how the public’s image on Loki had grown in his favor rather than against him.

Of course there were some conspiracies about him still working with the Chitauri to it all being a ruse and yada yada, but the majority of the public accepted what happened in New York. They were still angry, yes, but they didn’t seem that against him helping out if the situation called for it.

Besides him, an array of audio files and text boxes filled with very scarce information on Jötunheim popped up. He skimmed through it quickly. Not much, but that was to be expected. There was one piece of text that looked promising though. It was Thor recounting a story about a trip to Jötunheim alone with his friends.

Now that he thought about it, that was probably about his invasion. He shivered in disgust at how lightly they had taken the story and at how _heroic_ Thor had made it sound. Then again, the guy probably didn’t even know about the innocent people who had been caught in the middle of it.

Another horrifying realization soon reared it’s ugly head. It hadn’t clicked back when Skadi had said it, but if he wasn’t wrong, which he desperately hoped he was, then in _all_ that blood and chaos and murder, Loki had discovered that he was the same race that Thor, and Thor’s friend’s, and for sure Loki _himself_ was violently slaughtering.

He had to sit down.

“Boss?”

“I’m fine.” He waved his hand at her. “Just play the audio, Friday.”

“Of course.”

Tony went through the other stuff and listened with half an ear as the audio began. His head swarmed with a buzzing sound and his skin felt clammy and itchy.

_I made weapons, but Thor killed them directly_. His mind so helpfully supplied.

The guilt slowly seeped in, but it was essentially the same thing. If he hadn’t made those damn weapons, innocent people wouldn’t have died in the first place. And Thor didn’t kill them directly either. It was in the mess of chaos and falling mountains of ice that killed them. He and Thor were the same so he shouldn’t be acting like he was better than Thor when he had innocent blood staining his hands too.

“…And the beast stood high above me! When hope seemed all, but lost, my brother in arms shot an arrow through the beast’s bosom…” Thor’s voice was ecstatic over the speakers. His recounting was vivid and detailed as he told the story. He winced at the audio and tried to focus on anything important. There was something that caught his attention and he had Friday quickly rewind back.

“Pause.” He murmured. “Put up audio text.” He waited to see the text filter onto the screen. “Okay, play.”

“…the ice was so cold and violent. We spent only a fraction on an hour upon that cold wasteland and our limbs began to turn blue! Tis an unforgiving wasteland with air so dry, my mouth was parched, my skin felt itchy and tight, and ice thick in size! Surely it would have reached my chest should it not have been frozen.”

He went over the math in his head and drew up a whole array of possibilities. If from what Thor was saying was accurate, then from just that little snippet of the air being so dry, it was easy to figure out what temperatures he was dealing with.

When the temperature was so incredibly cold, the heat actually comes up from the ice and into the air. It creates the dry air as he knows it, but usually in patches. If the air is constantly like that, then he knew that Jotunheim had to be dealing, as a rough estimation, with negative ninety-eight degrees Celsius or negative two-hundred and eight Fahrenheit.

Alright then.

“Friday, find me a suitable allow that I could implement into the suit and support that level of cold.”

“Would you like me to verify if it could effectively bond with the mark forty-eight’s composition?”

Tony sat down in his chair and swiveled over to the end of his files. “Yes dear. And don’t worry if you can’t find one, I’m just trying to see where this goes.” He bit his thumb.

______________

Loki took in a shallow and wheezing breath. There was a whistle coming from within him and his lungs ached with every breath. He put more pressure onto his chest. Figures that another captive would eventually recognize him and lash out. He just hadn’t expected that he would be injured so severely.

It wasn’t often, but every ninth day or so, at least if his numbers were correct, they would be brought out, counted for and allowed a chance to eat together. He wouldn’t call it mercy, but maybe it was another form of entertainment since prisoners often fought one another for the small rations. It was pathetic.

They wouldn’t kill one another, no that would cut their torture here far too quick and mercifully, but it was still brutal and often left many suffering the effects of it for days after.

They had been in the canteen and he knew that there had been some whispers and eyes shot his way more often as of late, but he hadn’t thought too much of it. Still, he should’ve known.

He and Thor had done so much as children and even more so as young adults to creatures and people of all realms alike. Diplomacy, quelling riots, subduing rebellions. Of course many people disliked them, even detested them for those reasons. But he was so sure that he was too far from the nine realms that the chances that someone with a vendetta against him would have been here with him too, was silly. Preposterous even.

Alas, he was a fool and was quickly proven wrong.

Exhausted from whatever humiliating entertainment the gaurds desired and being forced to do slave work, he wasn’t too aware of his surroundings. His sharp senses were blurred with the thin veil of sore muscles and aching limbs that tingled horribly.

Boulders. They had been forced to walk about with boulders strapped to their chest and whilst others had weights attached to their limbs. If that wasn’t bad enough, the floor had been heated to the point where they couldn’t stand still in one place with their bare feet lest they were burned.

Norns was it disgusting. All of them ended up with blisters and the slimy fluid gathered on the floor from those that had burst. It made vile creep up in the back of his throat every time he stepped into it. His own feet were red and they were sensitive. Bubbles of puss and clear liquid covered over them and it was a horrible pain that was brought forth with every step.

He had been so grateful to sit down and so hungry, he ate just about anything. It was bitter and sour, as well as tough as he fought to chew it. His teeth and jaw ached because of it. At least it was better than the mushy and moldy slop they would usually throw into his cell, but with no plate or utensil, he had enough dignity to refuse eating from the floor. They wanted to make him a mutt and he was not going to let them.

He much preffered waiting until canteen days to eat even if it meant days of starvation. Still, he thought it was worth it.

He had been so caught up in his thoughts that he hadn’t noticed that there was a commotion building. There was a cry of outrage from behind him. Before he could really understand what was going on, he was thrown to the floor and there a manic man screaming in his face.

He had cringed at the man’s bloody teeth and at the spit that fell onto his face. He felt the man deliver a sharp blow to his chest. It was hard enough that it had the air leave him, but he felt adrenaline and anger more than the pain of the punch.

He just wanted the man off. He didn’t care what he had done, didn’t even care to know his attacker’s intentions, he just wanted to eat whatever foul thing he was given. It was with that thought that he gripped the hands that were trying to find their way to his neck. He tucked a knee up to his stomach, wedging some space between them so that he could put his foot flat on the man’s chest. He hissed at the sting and his leg trembled.

Losing his grip on one hand in his distraction, the man clipped him on his mouth and he knew a bruise would bloom over his face as blood filled up his mouth. Coppery and sharp, his lip was split too. The fist came back into view and he barely had time to twist his neck to the side to avoid it. The man cursed loud when his fist met the hard ground and then there was the sound of his bone breaking as it filled the room.

The sound of jeering and of the crowd that had formed around them was irritating to hear.

Blood-thirsty beasts! Have they nothing better to do than watch? Did they truly not have any compassion left, any other forms of amusement than to watch this sad display of wrestling and fighting? Disgusting. He spat out the blood that had gathered in his mouth at them. It didn’t really do much, but he could at least have that small form of rebellion.

The man was still moaning and cursing over his broken wrist and Loki realized that he had the advantage. With whatever strength he had left at his disposal, Loki planted his other leg firmly on the ground and used the foot on the man’s chest to kick him as far away as possible. He growled low in his throat as the weight was shifted off of him.

The man had flailed for a bit in the air, eyes wide and panicked, and then his head had hit the corner of the metal table and his neck twisted violently with a loud snap.

The sound churned his stomach and the bodily thud left a ringing in Loki’s ears.

There was no way he was getting back up from that. It had all happened too quick, but there were no excuses. The man was dead.

He didn’t even have the chance to find out why he had attacked in the first place and now his blood was seeping out over the floor. There were some shouts and yelling amidst the blurry chaos. It was all just white noise.

He didn’t mean to kill him, it had genuinely been an accident, but he couldn’t bring himself to really care. He had attacked first. It was self defense.

A harsh cough racked his body and he took in a shallow breath. Was this panic? His heart was too rapid, his hands tingled, and his face felt pale. He had no reason to panic. He didn’t feel bad about killing him either.

But still, that man’s blood was on his hands. He had done their job for them. Had taken another life from them. Call it mercy then, he did that man a favor. Better dead than here. With that thought, he turned to try and pick himself up when he noticed the burning in his chest and then the beginnings of a sharp pain.

Another sharp and ragged cough tore itself from his throat and it felt like there was no air in his lungs. Back aching, shoulder sting, it was a different pain in comparison to the soreness of the day’s activities. His chest hurt sharply and his his breathing almost sounded wet and his head went dizzy. He looked down and _Ah- that wasn’t there before_.

A foreign object was impaled into the left side of his chest. A slow red seeped out into the fabric of his grimy clothes. “Fuck.”

It made sense that in the adrenaline he hadn’t felt the stab and his lung being punctured. Now with that realization and with the adrenaline high going away, the burning began. Slowly and bearable at first and then intense and overwhelming in just mere seconds.

Should he take it out? He thought deliriously. It’s not supposed to be there after all.

As his hand carefully gripped the end of the knife and gave a tentative tug, he let go as if burned and shouted loud from the excruciating feeling. Instead, he turned threw up over the floor. He couldn’t control it and he just had to let it go. It was that or risk choking on his vomit because he couldn’t breathe. Damn it all to Hel.

After that, it was a bit of a blur if he was being honest. He was manhandled back to his cell and locked up. No regard for the literal _knife_ in his lungs. Maybe they’d throw a doctor in there to patch him up, but for now, he had to shift to find a position that didn’t cause him too much discomfort.

His lung kept spasming around his lungs and he knew the lack of air was getting to his head. So there was two choices. Pull it out and risk bleeding out, or have an aneurism and risk brain damage because of lack of oxygen.

Truth be told, he’d rather die of blood loss than live with that chance that he would be simple. Defective. Impaired. Slow. He had so many things under his name; he wouldn’t dare to add another disgrace, another reason, for Asgard to jeer at him. And so it wasn’t a hard choice to make.

He chose the former.

One quick motion and the knife was thrown across his cell with a clatter. When it was said and done, his voice was hoarse from his screams and his head was dizzy with fresh air even if it didn’t really feel like the air was in his lungs.

He wouldn’t die. He’d bleed out quite a bit, but he knew it was only a matter of time before someone came to fix him up. Couldn’t have him dying too early now would they?

Shit. He closed his eyes and leaned back, trying to lessen the strain. It must’ve been only minutes before an unfamiliar sound filled his ears. Laughter and talking.

He opened his eye, but it wasn’t his cell anymore. He had slipped away into this sanctuary of his, but it wasn’t his mother’s garden either. It looked like Asgard’s grand feasting hall. The ballroom in particular. People gathered around, crowds cheering and drinking. A celebration. A memory.

He was sitting at a large and glorious table among the people of Asgard instead of the cold floor of his cell. No one batted an eye about the blood on his top or dribbling down his chin. Nor the way he… _didn’t..._ grimace in pain at the slightest shift.

He glanced down and was surprised, pleasantly so, that there was no gaping wound, no pain in his chest, and definitely no taste of metal in his mouth. He was fine.

Loki glanced upwards again and fine tapestries adjourned the walls, the smell of ale and fine wine lingered over the savory dishes of food. It was familiar.

Was Valhalla really like this?

No it couldn’t be.

If it was, then he shouldn’t bare witness to it. He knew his fate wasn’t in Valhalla, but cursed to roam across the desolated land in Hel.

Besides, this place looked far too similar to Asgard for it to be Valhalla. He expected something more holy, more pure and joyful, not the strange tension of the crowd or the less than divine looking hall. No. This was Asgard in all of its glory.

There was even his empty spot at the royal table where Thor, Frigga, and Odin sat. It was almost like it was made for him, but not really at the same time. That seat belonged to Loki Odinson, not to whoever he was now. He cast a look over in their direction and found that he lacked the will to go and join them.

Still, he watched carefully from afar and with something twisting painfully in his chest. His mother’s soft face was a welcome sight as she cast her eyes periodically to Odin, who wore his usual expression of stern indifference, and then to Thor at the other end, drumming his fingers impatiently. His boyish face and strong body that had not yet grown properly into that of a man’s. Still, Thor had always been beautiful and possessed a charm that Loki never had.

Loki had no place on the table of royalty. He never did. He stuck out like a sore thumb, and even more so now.

There was an audible gasp and cooing from the crowd around him and it was directed to the stairs at the end of the hall.

A woman- no practically a girl really- stepped down the steps with an elegance that could’ve only been taught through harsh discipline and regimen. A princess of Alfheim. The new bride to the youngest prince of Asgard.

Her hair was light brown and eyes a violet shade. A tell-tale sign of her royal status and of her native blood of the Alfheim people. Her beauty marks scattered across her skin resembling a constellation, her heart shaped face was young, and that little curve on her upper lip was sweet and innocent. She was just as beautiful as the last time he had seen her.

As was Aesir tradition, nothing special had been done to her hair. It was left down and free to signify her innocence and youth, and then after the celebration, her hair would always be bound or braided to signify that she was married.

There was a bridal crown atop her head. It was beautiful in design and it was filled with glittering jewels and blooming flowers and intricate metals. Only the rarest and most beautiful of which Asgard owned. Besides her hair and crown, she wore no spectacular dress, but the golden paint over her face in complex patterns, pertaining to Alfheim’s culture, was more than enough to make up for it.

It was Sigyn that he saw, so young and pretty, and only a few decades under a millennia. He was not much older when he had married her. Younger in fact. He was only eight-hundred and seventy years old. It was the youngest age one could marry in Asgard. It was certainly rare and exceedingly rarer for a royal.

There was a nervous shuffle that caught his eye and Loki saw himself as a young boy, cleaned up and dressed in nothing special, but a token of his family’s honor. It was a dagger he had won in a battle that lay strapped to his side. His hair was mused up and certainly youthful as it cascaded into his face and laid about carelessly. It would no longer be free again in public after this ceremony.

Just like Sigyn’s, his hair would have to be changed, but his would be slicked back instead of braided or tied up. Just like Odin after his wedding day and just like many other new husbands.

The little version of himself stood at the bottom of the steps, sullenly clutching a slip of paper in his hand.

The poem, he recognized. Ah. He looked over at Odin once more.

How many things had you planned out in advance, you old goat? He sneered even if his expression was lost to those who could see him.

A ghost in the middle of a crowded room.

The young boy shifted and fidgeted with the paper, crinkling it up horribly and smudging the ink even though it had been written the night before. His face was red with embarrassment albeit his frown was bitter and skillfully hidden. Despite this, his sharp gaze was determined.

Loki remembered clearly why he had it and for what purpose. The purpose, in question, was standing among the shadows and clutching onto a servant’s hand. A thumb stuck into his mouth, his bed-hair was up in all directions and grey colored eyes swollen with sleep as he had been woken from his nap.

Vali. The bastard son who had yet to make an appearance and the reason as to why Loki was being married off.

Yes. It had to be done if he wanted Vali to live a good life.

He remembered that, because of his determination, he had written the poem the night before, perfecting it and cleaning it up for hours. At the end of his writing, the candle had nearly burned out and he had been caressing Vali’s milky cheek when he decided that the poem was ready and he was certain that it would do it’s job.

Love poems were viewed in law as a distinct slur upon a woman's reputation, suggesting that the poet had had a more intimate knowledge of his beloved than was considered seemly. If he had a love poem, it would only mean that they had been together, intimately or not, before marriage.

Essentially, it implied that she was a harlot and not a virgin. It would be a blow to their reputation, but it was necessary if they wanted people to believe that Sigyn was Vali’s mother and Sigyn knew it too. She was too good, that woman. Her kind heart was the main reason she had convinced her parents of the marriage.

Young and frail, but elegant and graceful all the same, Sigyn listened to his love poem with a pitiful smile not exactly subtle. She knew about his reputation and was the only one to agree to such an extreme situation. They both knew what needed to be done.

She needed to adopt Vali as her own soon after the celebration with no hesitation. With the love poem, it certainly helped the public believe their cover story that they had met once before on a diplomatic mission and then joined intimately which had resulted in Vali. It was a farce of course, but it needed to be done. No one could know the true story of who Vali’s mother was. It would bring shame upon Asgard and Vali would be ostracized just as he had been.

Of course there were cries of indignity and harsh whispers, but what’s done is done, and they had done their part.

He had been lucky that the public never found out about Sliepner. It would cause an outrage. There were rumors, yes, about Sliepner’s awfully similar appearance to him, but they had it written off as a coincidence. They were far too close in age after all. There was no way the prince could’ve had a child at _such_ a young age. The rumors didn’t stop from spreading, but they were less serious and they were not taken to literally. It was all just talk, harmless rumors to pass the time.

It spared Sliepner, but it also meant that Sliepner couldn’t be claimed as part of the royal family. If anyone asked, he was merely a servant. Of course he did not do anything that was required of a servant, but those working personally for the royal family were told to maintain absolute secrecy despite not knowing why or the truth about Sliepner. All they were told is to pretend that he was a servant, but never to treat him like one and treat him the same as a royal. They had sworn an oath and physically could not say anything should they even tried, written, verbal, as well as nonverbal.

Only few people knew of his oldest’s true bloodline. Thor, Skadi, Sigyn, his mother, Odin, and the castle’s royal healer as well as their most trusted and loyal head servant all knew. The last two for obvious reasons. The royal healer to look over Sliepner’s health should the need arise; and the head servant to oversee the other servants and dispel any suspicions, questions, or help maintain silence within the castle’s staff.

He was grateful for all the help, but he knew it was all for the reputation, not for his son’s sake.

In truth, he was embarrassed and ashamed of not being able to claim Sliepner, but he had only been a child. He had no say over what was to be done. There was also the fact that it would be dangerous to explain Sliepner’s presence. So he had kept quiet. He tried to find comfort in hugging his son close to him in the bed they shared with Vali suckling onto a bottle loudly on his other side. The starry night would get darker and the skies would get brighter as the night would progress.

He loved his oldest, but it was more of a sibling relationship if he was being honest. They would argue over petty things and annoy one another like he and Thor would. They would sometimes fight over the blanket in hushed whispers as to not wake up Vali so that they could keep their feet hidden under the blankets lest the Frost giants grab them and eat them.

Like he said, they were both close in age.

And Thor, oh Thor absolutely adored them. He was so involved with his boys from coddling Vali to wrestling with Sliepner and treating him as brotherly as he did Loki. He remembered Thor joining them on occasions. All four of them squeezed onto a bed. Or sometimes he’d sneak into Thor’s room in the night when his night terrors grew too intense and he wanted his older brother to keep him safe.

With Vali on one hip and holding onto Sliepner’s hand, they all snuck into Thor’s room. Vali would make a loud cooing noise and Thor would always recognize that sound. The oaf would just grumble and scoot over for them. Asleep or not, he always made space.

Loki watched himself take Sigyn’s hand with a graceful air surrounding them both. He could see Thor smiling cheekily in the back at the two of them, but his smile seemed just a tad forced.

Stark took a seat next to Loki, effectively startling him. He looked at the man and tried to school his expression back to a blank one. He hadn’t expected that he would make an appearance now of all times.

Stark’s grin was wide and snarky and his eyes had dark bags under them. “Caught you off-guard didn’t I, princess?”

Pressing his lips into a thin line, his disgust for the nickname was apparent. The other man just smiled wider, amused. He didn’t seem to find the irony in that nickname.

“Why do the Norns punish me so?” He asked aloud, not really expecting an answer.

Stark just shrugged. “There’s a distinct lack of flowers.” He muttered, making an exaggerated show of glancing around. “So please tell me, my beautiful dream friend, what’s going on here.”

“I really am a narcissist.” He felt himself cringe. He cocked his head out to the scene infront of them. “This is still my sanctuary. I was remembering my mother’s garden. Now I’m just remembering my wedding to Sigyn.”

“That’s your wife’s name? Huh.” He seemed to roll the name around in his head. “You look so young. What are you, like, twelve?”

“Twelve years? Why that’s preposterous. That’s merely a babe.” Loki looked at the boy, red face and flushed ears as the tense room began to celebrate their marriage after Sigyn and he had dropped Vali’s name into the mix. There were still murmurings among the people. “I am about eight-hundred and seventy or so.”

Stark coughed on his own spit. “That’s like twelve lifetimes for us you know?”

Rolling his eyes, he grew tired of this line of questioning although it was definitely amusing and a good pastime. “I am aware, Stark.”

They sat in silence as they watched the young boy guided his wife across the room as per tradition. Mingling and conversing, trying to create stronger allies and cement her position as princess of Asgard and Alfheim and then wrapping up as quickly as possible.

As gracefully as two children could, they both sat down at the royal table. Yes, he called them children because they were not nearly old enough to be taken seriously as adults. Odin stood up and with a few short words of prosperity and virtue to the new wedding pair, the people began feasting.

Noticing young Vali begging to go sit with them, the servant picked him up and made their way out before he could start a tantrum. His heart ached for his little boy. However, he knew that it would be inappropriate to bring him out immediately. It was far too soon. His name had just only been revealed to the public.

Sliepner was peeking out from the door and followed them quickly, not eager to be seen. Sliepner knew he was not allowed to go sit with them, but he still wanted to no matter how much he claimed he didn’t care. Unlike Vali though, he would never have a chance to sit at the royal table.

“So I went to Asgard…” Stark began.

Raising an eyebrow, he glanced at him from the corner of his eye. Peculiar, but he wasn’t willing to go into depth about where this was going. It would lead nowhere. As does everything else.

“I found out about your adoption status.” Loki felt himself draw in a harsh breath. Stark continued. “I mean I already knew,”

“Stark.” He bit out warningly.

“-But I didn’t know where you came from.”

“Stop talking.”

Either the man didn’t care or was just ignoring him. “I didn’t even know you were a Jötun.”

“I swear to the Norns, Stark-.”

“Or that Odin stole you.”

“He did not steal me!” Loki shouted. His face pulled into a snarl and his chest rose up heavily. The nails of his fingers dig into the palm of his hands painfully. “Why would I even argue with you? You are not _real_. None of this is real! The last thing I have is a desire to talk about this with you of all people!”

“Oh trust me, I didn’t wanna be dreaming about some weird dreamscape with you either, but here I am.” Stark grit out. His expression was absolutely bitter. It was as if he didn’t see this reaction coming from a mile away.

“Then you have no reason to ask me anything! You know everything already!” Loki ran a hand through his messy hair furiously. “I don’t wish to remind myself of this. I regret it already can you not see? But my actions cannot be undone!”

“I know that. I’ve done horibble things too.” Stark looked around, seeming like he wanted to memorize it. “There’s so many things I’ve done to innocent people. You can’t change the past. But I wanna make things right. Maybe that’s what _this_ is.”

He motioned to everything around him.

“My own guilt. This is me trying to forgive myself. My issues projected onto you. By learning to forgive you, I can forgive myself.”

His eyes held bewildermint and yet conflicted as if that was not what he had wanted to say.

”You’re the forgiveness I’m looking for.”

A laugh bubbled from his throat and then another one until he was full out cackling in a mania. It was insane and pathetic at the same time.

Stark’s expression wilted and he looked offended at his display. He even had the gall to look embarrassed as he realized that his guess was probably way off mark.

“Well good for you. Whatever you think this is, it is not. You will find no forgivenss here. I will hold onto these fractions of myself. So whatever forgiving epiphany you are trying to submit myself to, you will not find it here. Not ever.”

Loki felt his eyes sting, but he dared not break down now. Not yet. He was still holding on by a thin rope and by Hel was he going to let go first.

“I regret many things, but not nearly enough and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I do not deserve forgiveness.”

Looking out over the Royal table, he saw the cold distance between Odin and his younger self. So far away from one another at all times.

“My own blood father did not want me. He cast me out to die and Odin saved me. If only to use as his pawn.” His throat welled up and he cleared his throat tiredly. “Among the list of my regrets, killing my blood father is not one of them.”

Stark sat in silence. “I guess this soul searching thing is gonna go harder than I thought.” He laughed dryly. “I know this is all fake. Like… I keep repeating it in my head over and over, but I feel guilty… For bringing it up, so I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t matter, and I’m probably just selfish, but there it is.” The space between them felt more prominent in that moment.

“Mm.” Loki grunted. His anger had dissipated a lot by then. “Apology accepted I suppose…”

Though admittedly, it was a weakly formulated one. And for some reason, he felt compelled to just correct the other.

“Besides. Odin found me in the temple to get to the Casket of Winters, so no, he didn’t steal me.” He felt urged to defend Odin, but he wasn’t really sure what for. It wasn’t as though the bastard had earned it. Or maybe it was just to cement himself. To find some sense of truth to find purchase in. His footing was already unstable as it was.

“Yeah Skadi mentioned that.”

The people moved about and danced to the cheery songs. The men bolstered about battles and the women gossiped about the new bride. However, the love poem was on everyone’s mind and Vali’s name was spoken like a curse. It was obvious in the way they kept sending leering looks at the young married couple.

“Wait. Pause on that thought.” Stark looked confused. “Why would you have been in a temple in the first place?”

Genuinely confused, Loki cast his gaze at him. “What?”

“The temple is where the Casket of Winters was kept. And that casket is basically their life force. Their most prized possession. So it should’ve been heavily fortified and protected. That’s not a place an abandoned baby would be unless…” He trailed off, suddenly looking very contrite and appalled.

Unless Loki himself was as important to them as the Casket of Winters.

Fuck.

It answered so many questions. Laufey’s last words echoed in his ear. “ _This is for my son._ ” Those words had been the quiet whisper in the room that had barely breached through the fog of anger Loki had felt.

Laufey had been killed like a mutt by the same man he was trying to avenge.

He had not been abandoned. If he had, then why in the temple? And why would Laufey had chosen those particular words? He had other sons, but as far as he knew, Laufey hadn’t lost any children to Odin. Only Loki himself.

Had he known? Had Laufey known Loki was his? No he couldn’t have. He would have said something. Would he? Yes he would’ve. He would’ve stripped Loki’s identity for all to see when Loki had returned the second time during his brief reign as king.

Laufey had mourned for him and had been trying to inflict the pain he had experienced onto Odin. And _he_ hadn’t known! Laufey hadn’t known that Loki was his, hadn’t known that he would die by _his_ hand!

It felt like cold water had been poured over him. His hands shook and his breathing became quick and short.

_Oh Norns… Why hadn’t he thought of that before?_

Horrified, his hands came up to tightly clasp over his mouth.

_He hadn’t been rescued. He had truly been stolen just like the casket of winters and many other treasures from Odin’s battles._ And why did that seem to cause him so much distress as it was now?

“Uh- Loki?” Stark was infront of him. He didn’t reach out and touch him, but he was kneeling before him- and when had he sat down on the floor? “Breathe buddy. I think you’re having a panic attack.”

“I can’t- I can’t breathe-.” Loki felt horribly lightheaded and his body tingling, almost numb. He was so terrified and desperate to find somewhere to hide and press his back up against a wall. Too open. Too vulnerable. Too fragile.

They were all looking at him and seeing him for the pathetic and revolting thing he was. Realistically, he knew that they weren’t and that it was all just a memory, but the irrational thought still prevailed. It felt as though all of Asgard could see how broken he was.

Would they have loved him? Would Laufey had loved him as a monster that he was? No, not even Laufey would have loved one as hideous as he. He would have much rather Odin have truly killed him as a babe. With a heavy boot over his fragile head, it would have prevented so many things. He would not have committed patricide and worse-! On a being that had _mourned_ for him!

That reeking scent of traitorous blood on his hands was strong, he would not have minded if Odin had taken the life of only one baby if that baby would turn out just as Loki did.

“I know, bud. Just take in a couple breaths. Look at me okay?” Stark breathed in and held it in for about five seconds before releasing it slowly. His hand reached out to touch his shoulder, as though to ground him, but Loki flinched backwards.

His breathing came quicker. “Don’t touch me!” He didn’t want the illusion to leave yet. He didn’t want to lose the only source of communication he had in this dreadful place.

Stark just raised his hands up carefully. “Alright alright. I won’t. Just keep breathing with me. Focus on things you can touch. Your clothes, the ground, anything.”

“This is your fault.” He hissed out weakly.

“I’m sorry.” Stark sounded genuine too.

He focused on his breathing, following Stark’s instructions and trying not to scream out of frustration. If only he had really been abandoned. Perhaps the pain would not hurt as much as it did now. He could hate him. He could justify his actions. He could loathe and detest them for the rest of his life. If only, if only, if only. He held onto himself and pretended it was his mother’s hold. She would never touch him if she had known what he would become, too repulsed, too ashamed.

Unworthy.

It took an embarrassingly long time, but his breathing had gone down noticeably. The headache became prominent and his eyes felt swollen. “I fear I may have made a grave mistake, Stark.” He gasped out, voice hoarse and small.

The other man just pressed his lips into a thin line grimly. He looked like he wanted to say something, but didn’t know what.

The memory carried on. People danced in the background, people drank mead, and the two of them stayed on the floor in silence.


	7. Art in the Making

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *mentions of domestic abuse and underage drinking*

The sound of one of his tools clattering on the ground startled him awake. Tony blinked his eyes open and winced at the harsh white light of his lab. It had been a bad idea to pass out slumped over like this.

However the ache in his neck and strain on his back was forgotten as he remembered his and Loki’s conversation. “Fuck…” He whispered and burrowed his face in his arms. He felt guilty. Guilty over a fucking delusion of his. That was a sure sign that he was going crazy. He wasn’t real. Why on earth was he feeling guilty?

But he did. He felt horrible for drawing that reaction out of Loki. But to be fair, the guy didn’t even seem all that put together to begin with. There was no need to bring it up, but he had because he was trying to sort out his thought process and what better way than to talk it out? Well yeah, it didn’t mean it had to be in his dream, but he just hadn’t expected dream Loki to have such a _real_ reaction. It was a _dream_. It’s all supposed to be sunshine and rainbows, not talking about murdering your real dad and seeing child marriages- which by the way- _What the actual fuck_.

He must be drinking too much. Glancing at the empty bottles on the ground made his head pound in remembrance. It was easy to slip from Loki to his work and frankly, he didn’t want to linger on his conflicting feelings any longer. Still though, work wasn’t much better and it was itching uncomfortably at him.

It didn’t help that the screen still displayed the only metal that would be able to support and bond with the arc reactor and have the ability to withstand such cold temperatures. Problem is, to be one hundred percent sure that it would work, he had to find a sample and analyze it.

The holographic image of the metal ore hung in the air. It was almost taunting him. And of course the metal was exceedingly rare and there was a limited supply of them, it was just his rotten luck. He could narrow it down to areas he would get it, but he’d need the elemental compound to actually find areas that were perfect for the metal to be found. He had to get the sample first and he knew where he could get some. He hated it, but this was the only way.

The metal ore continued to mock him. Vibranium. Whether he liked it or not, it was the best choice. It was light, durable, and malleable. Perfect for his suit.

The only person he knew who possessed Vibranium and in a fair quantity was Rogers himself.

Shit.

Which is where the alcohol had come in last night. If things went well, Rogers would just hand over the shield for a day or two and then get it back with no problem. Of course though, he was just lying to himself. There was no way things were going to be so simple. Although he hated it deeply, this might just be the talk they had been postponing. Or rather the talk he had been postponing.

Truth be told, he just didn’t know if he would be able to talk without a trace of bitterness or anger in his tone. He didn’t want to act immaturely or with exaggeration, but the betrayal was still lingering inside of him, rearing up it’s disgusting head and making it’s presence known at the worst possible moments. Those years of feelings of neglect and belittling had been building up. It wasn’t without cause though. He knew _now_ that he had done everything he could, but in the end it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough for any of them.

He could admit when he was wrong, but they didn’t see the fault in anything they did. And he had been so eager to please, to make connections that he had forgotten how it really _did_ work. He had Pepper and he had Rhodey and they had been around so long that his conceptions of how to make healthy friendships or relationships had grown rusty and old.

And so he did whatever they asked of him. Sure he was sarcastic, teasing, and annoyed them, after all, that’s how Rhodey and Pepper came to know him, but he was essentially at their beck and call. He rarely turned them away when they needed something, and he had assumed that it was the same for _him_ if he needed it.

He gave and gave and they just took everything he offered. No gratitude They took everything because they thought they were entitled to it; that it was expected of him. He had shrunken into himself at that, turning self-conscious and putting himself down because yeah, maybe just doing everything for them was the least he could do. He’d shrug off the grand things he’d do because _hey it was nothing_ and they’d just nod and agree, not thinking too much about it. Never giving it a second thought.

He paid for everything, but Cap was the leader and he was fine with it. Fine with it because he thought that it wasn’t necessary to be the leader just because he paid for it, and because he knew they wouldn’t follow him- didn’t respect him- like they did to Rogers.

Even when he was obviously down and exhausted, would it have hurt to offer a little company? A shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen?

Apparently it was.

They would ignore him, shrug it off and say _it’ll pass_ or _you know how he is_. And when they did come to ask how he was doing, what was he going to say? No I’m not doing well?

They seemed content to invalidate his feelings and make him feel horrible fo having the gall to feel the way he did when they’ve been through worse. He had no right.

He had it good.

What could he know?

But he just wished, just once, that they would sit down and say, _I know you’re not okay and I want to help_. Was that too much to ask for?

Apparently.

But he had always been okay with talking about it really. It made them uncomfortable though, his nonchalance about it. Sure he didn’t go into detail, it was all said in a light air, never going past the surface, but still. When did it become something he couldn’t even bring up?

He sighed and leaned back in his seat, head tilted to the ceiling and biting down a growl of frustration. He wanted to scream.

“Friday. Call Rogers.”

Friday paused for a second. A beat too long that he most definitely noticed. “Yes, boss.”

There was a silence for a few minutes. He was sure that Rogers would just not pick up, but then there was a click. For a few seconds, they didn’t say anything.

“…Tony?”

Fuck. Okay. Tony felt himself flinch at his voice. Letting out an unsteady breath, he forced himself to calm down. “Yeah that’s me.” Another awkward and tense silence filled the air.

“Did you butt-dial me?” The words fell awkwardly and stilted, like he had just learned what that phrase meant. Perhaps he did.

He almost wanted to laugh. “No, I called you on purpose.”

“Okay. Why?” He asked. “You never wanted to talk, but you’re calling me now. Did something happen?”

Tony rubbed his eyes. He didn’t want his concern. Not again. “No.”

“Okay… Do you wanna talk?” He asked tentatively.

Already irritated, Tony stood up from his chair and sent it rolling away. “No I don’t. Listen. I’m not calling to kiss and make up. Thor mentioned that Loki’s in Jotunheim right?”

“Right.” He said tersely. “I don’t see how this has to do with you and me then.”

“I’m going too.”

Rogers made a strangled noise and he could imagine his baffled expression easily. “Why would you-? No. Tony, he can do it by himself can’t he?”

“He needs someone else. Someone not from Asgard. Apparently last time he went, he killed a lot of them and he wants a buffer between them. And I’m good with words and the only person who can survive the temperature from earth with the newest mark I’m making.”

“How?”

“I can make a suit. But for that, I need to look at your shield.” He said quickly.

“Vibranium.”

“Exactly.” He agreed. “I’ll only need it for a day or two and then I’ll give it back to you.”

“But why-“ Steve sighed. “Jesus, you’re way out of your zone here! If something happens, none of us here will be able to-“

“Help me?” Tony finished. Rogers stayed quiet. “It’s okay. It won’t be the first time.”

“Tony. You have to let go of the past-“

“Well I can’t!”

Tony slammed his fist against the table and stood up. Pacing angrily around the room, he shouted at Rogers, hoping that he could _hear_ the pain he was feeling loud and clear.

“You all left me there. I was bleeding out and _dying_ and you left me. Not Captain America or Shield’s little lapdog, _you_ did, Steve. It wasn’t even about the accords anymore, it was about trust.”

Rogers stayed carefully quiet during it all.

“I trusted you. I thought you had my back, but that’s the thing about betrayal huh?” He laughed bitterly. “It’s always from the people you least expected. And I should’ve known. Dammit, it wasn’t the first time I’ve been betrayed so I _should’ve_ known.” He repeated, more to himself than to Rogers.

He couldn’t blame it all on him. After all, he hadn’t extended a hand of friendship or whatever, it was Tony. If Tony had just kept his mouth shut, pretended that forging a close relationship with him or the other’s wasn’t what he wanted, he could’ve spared himself some pain. It was his own fault for letting them in, dammit! He had kept everyone else at arm’s length away his whole life so how ironic that the second he tried to change that, it backfired. How fucking ironic was that?

“Tony…” Rogers seemed to look for something to say. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“I don’t want you to say anything. I don’t want a stupid apology, I don’t want an excuse, I just want you to listen.”

There was a not so comforting silence in response.

He was at least grateful for that. “Okay, I get it. He was your friend and he killed my mom, but I got over it. He was brainwashed or whatever and it sucks, but I get it. You stopped me from doing something to an innocent man that I would’ve regretted, but it could have been prevented.” At this his voice trailed off. “You could’ve told me. I thought that if something happened, we could tell each other. But you couldn’t even tell me that they- that my mom was actually murdered.” The last words were torn out of his mouth and he was angry at how much it still hurt to admit that she had been killed.

“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

He actually laughed at that. “Well that went well, didn’t it?”

“Is there really no way to fix this?” His voice was genuinely upset and lamentful. Tony sighed and bit his lip.

“Listen Rogers… I looked up to you as much as I hated you, but I have nothing for you now. I don’t trust you, I have no faith in you. I have nothing.” He bit out the word venomously. Every word felt delightful to say and it felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

There was a few moments of silence. “Okay.” Rogers said. “I’ll pass by to give you my shield-“

“No. Just give it to Thor.” He said.

“Alright. And Tony? I know you don’t want it, but I’m sorry. I really am. If there was anything I could do to reverse things, I would’ve done it in a heartbeat. You didn’t deserve anything I did or didn’t do.”

He didn’t acknowledge the apology. If he did, he’d hate himself for it, because he knew he would probably forgive him just as easily. And it wasn’t. It wasn’t something he could forgive easily. It wasn’t enough. It was just words, empty or not, but still. It had to mean something, it had to earned.

“Goodbye, Rogers.”

“…Bye, Tony.”

The line went dead.

A couple hours later, Thor returned and handed the shield over to him. He wore a tight expression and his eyes screamed dissapointment. He must’ve talked to Rogers then.

Whatever.

Tony thanked him and turned his back to him. Thor stood around, looking for words to say, but when it was obvious that Tony wasn’t gonna talk, he left in a huff. He was probably going to annoy him later, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

He expertly focused onto adding the Vibranium to the equation. Gold-titanium was ideal and it didn’t freeze up like the titanium steel-plating of his second mark, but it could only withstand certain temperatures. But biocompatible as it was, Vibranium fit in almost perfectly. It didn’t react negatively, it was just as light, even more durable, and able to withstand extreme temperatures of cold. Maybe not so much heat, but it would do fine with cold.

Thing was, while he knew exactly how much Vibranium he needed, it was the rarest shit on earth. Luckily enough, now that he knew what to look for, he found quite a few places on earth that could possibly house the metals. On the downside though, there was no way he could be sure. He didn’t have much time and the metals didn’t come in bunches, they came sparsely and small.

Stuck, Tony sighed and rubbed his eyes. There had to be something else. He had Friday sort through a whole bunch of other possible alloys; Fibrous steel- cheap and not worth the search-, copper, maybe even Carbonadoum- no Friday already said how unstable and dangerous it was-, maybe he could even ask Thor if he could borrow some of that metal his hammer was made out off, just to see. Uru, he thinks it was called.

“Fuck me.” Tony cursed to himself. He had already gotten Friday to think it out. If she said Vibranium, then Vibranium it was.

He gave the shield back to Thor the next day and ignored his puppy eyes when he tried to bring up Rogers.

He hadn’t had a dream that night because he hadn’t slept at all. It was nearing 36 hours at that point without sleep. Whether it was to avoid dreaming or too caught up with what was going on, he wasn’t too sure. He was starting to hallucinate and he felt like he was drunk, slurring his words and stumbling about.

One minute he was sitting up on his chair, twiddling with his tools and tightening a couple metal plates together, and then his eyes became too heavy all at once. He remembered nodding forward into his table and not having the strength to lift it back up. His eyes shut and his world became dark.

The next time he blinked, it was to his own home. More specifically, the same house he lived in with his parents. It stole his breath away the second he saw it. So many memories, good and bad filtered through his mind.

It was raining and the floor smelled like wet grass and asphalt. A clash of thunder rolled ominously over the house. Bad memories then.

But why? Why was he here?

“Little bastard!” Howard’s voice boomed through the house and Tony set his jaw and exhaled shakily. It’s been years dammit. He should be completely over this.

The door burst open and he was staring at himself in the face. Young and pale, cheek swelling up red and split lip oozing slowly with blood. It was such a familiar sight, but the look in his eyes, so full of panic and shiny with unbidden tears was like a punch to his stomach. He had never dared to look at himself in the mirror after these moments, too ashamed and afraid of what he would see to face it.

He supposed he could call the boy Edward. He had always hated that name, Howard had picked it after all. It only seemed fitting too at this point in time. He had been Edward, shameful and weak, to Howard, Anthony to his mother, and Tony to his Jarvis and people he had close. But whether it was to distance himself emotionally or to give himself a name that isn’t ‘younger him’, he didn’t want to think too much about it. Besides, the name didn’t sound just as good after that one movie with the vampires came out. He suppressed a full body shiver. Still, the boy, Edward, he corrected, ran out from the house in a blind panic.

Could Edward see him? Was any of this real?

But when Edward’s eyes never met his and he seemed to completely gloss over Tony, only to slip and bury his face into the wet mud at the end of the driveway, just feet away from the house, he surmised that no. Edward did not see him. This wasn’t exactly unreal either. This wasn’t fake. This was a memory.

He was certain of it because it played out just as how he remembered it.

Cold and wet from the rain, mud over his clothes and face, fat tears rolling down his face- he couldn’t have been more than nine. He wasn’t even a man.

It didn’t matter though. Howard stepped onto the porch, face red and glare dangerous as he stalked his way over to poor little Edward who was crawling away in desperation to get away. “Worthless sack of shit, I waste my money on those clothes your mother demanded and you drag yourself through the mud?!”

Tony’s throat clenched and he waited a few seconds for his mother to come to his rescue, like she often did, but would fail to do so the older he became. Nevertheless, she stepped out of the house, running in her expensive heels and tracking mud all over her pretty clothes and hair wild and eyes red and puffy. She didn’t step in Howard’s way, no she was too smart to do that, but she willingly threw herself over Edward and ignored the rain pelting her face and leaving black mascara streaks down her face.

“You will not lay a hand on him!”

“Get off him woman.” He pointed a calloused finger at her. “Stark men are made of iron.” He fucking hated that saying. “He can handle it!”

His words were a bit slurred, his face a little too red. Ah that’s right. He remembered exactly why Howard had been angry at him.

It was the first time Howard had made him drink alcohol. Said it would make hairs grow on his chest, make him a man. But after the few sips, he had thrown up whatever lunch he had and Howard was positively fuming.

“Waste of good liquor!” He had shouted.

So here they were. Howard calling him a sissy for crying and eventually walked back inside, not wanting to risk dirtying himself in the mud like they had. Edward was crying low and frantic into his mother’s arms and she was coping low to him, trying to wipe the rain and tears off his muddy face.

“Don’t take it too strongly dear.” She whispered, and he remembered her words more clearly than actually heard it in this moment over the rain. “Relationships between father and son are complicated, and they are strained on both sides.”

Edward only sobbed harder. “I wanna leave.”

“But we need him, love.” She had murmured tearfully. “You need your dad and he needs us.” But the way she had said it was like she was trying to convince herself more than him.

A smooth velvety voice spoke from behind him. Familiar by now and something Tony has grown to expect every time he slept. “Is that you?” Loki asked with a hint of hesitancy in his voice.

Turning around, the man was seated upon the lawn chair under the small protection the tree provided. The seat looked uncomfortably wet and the occasiaonal drop of water fell through the canopy of leaves and onto his head. Though he heard it, he saw no grimace on his face. He seemed relaxed though. Well as relaxed as the rigid man could ever be. His hair was mused like he had run his hands through them and his skin looked paler than usual. There was also the hint of bags under his red tinted eyes. Eyes usually vibrant, looking just a little bit dull and foggy.

“Yeah. And you look like shit by the way.” Tony joked. Despite his confusion or slight, albeit irrational concern, he sent him a teasing grin. Taking a seat next to him, he carefully watched Loki pat down his unruly hair subconsciously with a small frown. “Change your skin care routine, Lokes?”

Loki sighed. “I have no idea what you just said. And my name is Loki.”

Tony bit his lip to stop the grin from growing even wider. Maybe it was an attempt to lighten the mood or to distract from what was going on because he easily let the playfulness take over. But Loki had seen. He had seen everything and there was no denying it. He couldn’t hide from it. And yet he joked. “Don’t worry about it and I’ll call you whatever I want.”

Ignoring him, Loki changed the subject. “This is your childhood home, correct?”

Tony looked out over at his home and to his Mother and Edward. He nodded. “Pretty huh?”

“Indeed.” Loki murmured. “Do you miss him?”

“My dad?” At Loki’s nod, he pressed his lips together. “Honestly…” He opened his mouth and then closed it. But it didn’t matter if he said it or not. It’s not like it was gonna come by and bite him in the ass later. “Not really. I miss my mom sometimes, but not him.”

Loki hummed and looked at Howard intently. “Was he always so bad? Would you miss him then?”

“Would you miss Odin if he was like that?” He said sharply. At Loki’s imperceptible flinch, he pinched himself. “Sorry. That was uncalled for.” Loki remained quiet. “No. I wouldn’t. Not even them. I can’t forgive him for what he’s done. Maybe not to me, but to my mom. Never.”

Loki nodded. They both remained quiet. It wasn’t a comfortable one, but it wasn’t entirely awkward either. Loki took in a breath and cleared his throat. “Our… father figures were not entirely the best were they?” It wasn’t a question.

Snorting, Tony nodded. “I have a feeling ours were almost the same.”

“Mine was worse.”

“Wanna bet?”

Looking stricken for just a second, Loki’s expression quickly molded into a playful one. It was almost like they both didn’t even care that his mother and Edward were clinging pitifully to one another in the chilly air, soaked to the bone, and drenched in mud.

“Odin never told me once he was proud of me or anything kind in regards to anything I did, but casted all his love and affections to Thor. Infront of me.”

“Oh please, been there done that. Sometimes when he was really angry, he would ask me why I wasn’t more like Captain America. He never did anything wrong.” Tony rolled his eyes.

As if. He knew the guy got into fights back in his day even before the serum. Apparently there was no alley that he hadn’t gotten his ass kicked in. He had also mentioned that he had faked his ID more times than he could count to try and get into the army until he got lucky. He pulled more illegal shit than Tony had done.

“One time, Howard took all of the money and his stuff and abandoned us for a month or two just to teach my mom and I a lesson.” He continued.

Loki snarled, but didn’t say anything in regards to that. Panicked, Tony thought he had steppped too far and far too quickly, but Loki didn’t seem perturbed. “Odin knew Sif had broken my arm and instead of showing concern, he told me to get it fixed before my mother saw it and had a heart attack. Didn’t ask what happened or who did, just to see the healers.”

Tony sucked in a breath and he knew that Loki had seen, but it didn’t stop him from saying the next words. “Ever had him take his anger out on you?” Loki’s eyes narrowed. “You already saw, you know it. Has that,” he pointed at Edward being pulled up by his mom and guided to the house. “Been you?”

“I thought we were not stating the obvious, Stark.” Despite the dark turn the conversation had taken, Tony couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled out. Loki seemed pleased at his reaction. He didn’t let the conversation stop though. “Not like that though. Not like that.” He whispered and softly traced a hand over his lips in memory. There were small and faint dots around his mouth.

He remembered something Skadi had said not too long ago. “ _Oh sew your mouth_.” And everyone had grimaced even. Now the small dots and scarring long faded around Loki’s lips made sense.

Loki shook his head. _Don’t even ask_ , his eyes said.

Tony was more than happy to look past it. There was no reason to get upset over it. Might not even be true. Maybe it didn’t even happen to Loki. It was merely coincidence and his brain had imagined that scarring around his lips.

Tony nodded slowly. “Ever had him tell you that you were the cause of everything that’s ever gone wrong?” Voice low and dampened by what he had come to realize. Only Thor would know the truth he supposed. He hoped.

Loki smiled bitterly and closed his eyes. He rubbed them. “Not necessarily, however he did say that whatever happened to me was my fault alone. I was forced to bear the brunt of many things that happened to me…”

“Like what?” He asked curiously.

“I had a child at a very young age. Unheard of, I was practically a child myself.” Loki winced and his expression darkened. “I had help of course. A nanny for when I was in my studies, but apart from that, I cared for the child alone.”

“Wow… I didn’t even know you had a kid.” He wasn’t really sure what to say. He would’ve asked at what age he had the kid, but by the sour glare Loki was sending him, he decided that it wasn’t that important. He had probably been a teenager. And maybe it was with his wife like he remembered his other dream going, so it wasn’t like he was completely alone. Young and stupid yeah, but it could’ve been worse.

Loki let out a sigh. “You must be grateful at least for what your father had left for you. A whole empire for you to rule. I was given nothing, but a false throne.”

With a scowl, Tony spoke. He couldn’t keep the bitterness from his voice. “What good did that do me? I never wanted his stupid company.”

“But you surely _must_ be grateful. After all, you wouldn’t be the man you are without him.”

And he supposed in some sense it was true, but then again, he wouldn’t have _needed_ to be the man that he was in the first place if it weren’t for Howard. He would have been happy even.

“He left me his name and all the blood on his hands. It was because of him that they called me the merchant of death. But you knew that right?” He caught Loki’s subtle look of confusion. “Yeah that was all me. And I just built even more weapons with his name. No I’m not grateful.” Tony said bitterly. “I would’ve rather let the whole company burn and die if I had just woken up sooner- if I hadn’t let him control me even from his grave.”

And in all seriousness, he was as honestly surprised to find that it was the truth.

Loki’s eyes narrowed and his voice was venomous. Clearly it wasn’t what he had wanted to hear. But what did he _want_ to hear? “Would you really have thrown it all away to change it?”

“Yeah.” He said simply, because it was as simple as that. “Yeah, I would.”

“But you can’t.” Loki hissed. “You can’t change the past.”

“I know, Loki. You think I don’t know that? You don’t think I already regret so much of it so I need you to rub it in even more too?” Tony ran his hands down his face. “It’s not like you’ve been so innocent either.”

Loki scoffed, displeasure obvious in his expression. “You cannot claim to know my reasons for doing so.”

“Oh yeah?” Tony challenged. “Because what it looks like to me is that the poor little prince threw a tantrum and when you got punished for it, you thought the whole world was against you.”

Loki bared his teeth at him. “You do not get to speak to me this way!”

“Well it’s the truth! You tried to kill Thor just so you could be the golden child for once and when that didn’t work out, you killed daddy cause you thought it’d make Odin love you. But guess what?!”

Faintly, in the back of his mind, he recognized that he was treading dangerous ground, but it didn’t stop him from talking. He was still furious and bitter and just so damned frustrated with everything.

“It didn’t work and no matter how much you claim to not care about him, deep down you still do! That’s why you’re so determined to make me feel different about Howard. That’s why you want me to say different, just so that you won’t be the only coward here.” As soon as he saw the dark expression, he realized he might’ve just crossed a line.

Loki took a few threatening steps at him, but he didn’t let it intimidate him. “You should take care of what you speak.” He snarled.

“Or what? You’ll kill me? Just like you killed all those people in New York?” Tony spat. His heart was racing and his throat was aching and scratchy. Emotions seemingly getting the better of him. He definitely needed to stop talking.

“I had to play the part!”

“You didn’t have to do anything! Their life or yours, that was another option too.”

He pressed on despite Loki’s face going pale and his eyes widened. He looked like he had just been struck.

“We did just fine without your little act. We closed the portal and I nuked their little ships. And you know, none of this actually wouldn’t have happened if you had just stayed out there when you had fallen off that fucking bridge.” He closed his mouth quickly, but the the damage was done.

Loki stilled and wore a carefully blank face. Even then, his mask seemed to be cracking. His eyes were glossy as he blinked it away and he swallowed, lips turning downwards and pressing thinly. When he spoke, his voice was hoarse. “You’re right.” He nodded softly, looking out over the house. “And that’s what I intended for when I let go and fell into the abyss. I suppose that even in my own death I failed in.”

And fuck- if that didn’t make him want to just punch himself. Of course he would take it that way, there was no other way to take it. And Loki’s words sounded wrong. He wasn’t supposed to agree with that. He was supposed to scream and fight him, hit him, anything! Not just agree with him.

Shit. Now he felt like a grade-A asshole. He reached out, but before he touched Loki, the other man moved backwards and out of his reach. “No wait. Shit- I’m sorry. That’s not- that’s not what I meant.”

His heart twisted and a bitter cold embraced him. Fuck, why on earth would he say that in the first place then? Tony pressed his lips together and grimaced as the realization came quickly and he wondered why he hadn’t put two and two together.

Thor’s pained expression when it was brought up and the hush hush way that they talked about that day on the bifrost. Too ashamed of what had happened. To ashamed to admit that their prince had given up.

Loki had let go, he hadn’t fallen, he had chosen to let go. And specifically, with the intent of dying. Maybe that wasn’t true, but it was still a possibility and he had yet to know what led up to that incident.

“Which part? You wouldn’t have said it if you hadn’t meant it. Everything we say is in some bases merged in truth.” Loki bitterly laughed. “And all of what you said is true.” He turned his back to him, fists clenching tightly. “I lied to Thor, but I didn’t wish to kill him. Hurt him just as he hurt me, yes, but never kill him. And my life is not worth more than those of which I have taken. And I have taken many. So many innocent lives that plague my sleep and my soul, but not as much as I should. I should have died long ago. I should not have survived the void. No.” He shook his head furiously.

Tony didn’t even know where to start, where to stop him from finishing those self-depreciating thoughts. He shouldn’t even be listening to this, but it hit him. Loki didn’t think he was real, so of course it wasn’t the same as telling some other living person. But Tony knew that it was Loki who was just a figment of his imagination, so what did that mean? Was this all his own feelings? His own guilt? Perhaps. Because he had a lot of it.

And Loki was still rambling in a panic, in desperation and with hands buried into his hair like the words were ripped from him. And the words were painful to listen to, and Tony could only stand and bare it.

“Odin should have just killed me as a babe. He shouldn’t have let me live with him in his palace nor left me with my true bloodline to be loved for. He should have ended my life then and there. Perhaps then I would not have cause so much agony and chaos.”

“Okay, I see where you’re going with this,” Tony began and desperately tried to quell the spewing mess of self-hatred and regret that Loki had submerged himself in, but he wasn’t the best person to go to. Robotics, engineering, mechanics, it’s cold and simple. If something was wrong, he could fix it, but emotions and humans were just complicated as a whole. “I should’ve just not said a word and I get that you feel bad and you maybe regret-.”

“I don’t though, that’s the thing.” Loki interrupted. “I don’t regret it as much as I _should_. And I would do it again, and _again_ , if given the choice.” He hissed. His hands tightened in the strands of his hair, yanking and had the mess of his hair grow even wilder.

“Okay.” Tony swallowed. That was something else that he didn’t know how to handle. “Okay, alright. I can’t say I understand, but I’m telling you you’re just being over dramatic.”

“Dramatic?!” Loki swiveled around to glare at him. “I admit all these vile and horrid feelings of mine and I am over _dramatic_?!”

“Sorry, not the best word to use.” He apologized with a wince. “Listen. I get it. I was not doing so hot for a long time too. Shit, I was trying to actively get killed back then. The Palladium, my birthday party, and Rhodey. But it gets better. It really does.”

He’s probably a hypocrite for saying that, but he wants to believe it himself. Things got better and then it got worse. He’s just waiting on the good things to come.

“I have so much blood on my hands.”

“I know. And not everyone’s going to forgive you or like you.” He said honestly. “But the least you can do is try to make things right.”

Loki let out a shaky breath. His shoulders hunched down and his head falling forward in his hands. “I’ve been trying. Oh Norns, I’ve been trying.”

Taking his side, he didn’t dare reach out to him. But he knew the small comfort was there. “I believe you.”

Loki froze and then he let out an almost inaudible sob. He knew it was pride that kept Loki from completely breaking down. “Thank you.” It occurred to him that maybe Tony had probably been the first one to ever say he believed him. Real or not real, his heart felt tight.

_________

It was finally starting to look like things were going his way, like the sun peeking through the gloomy clouds. It didn’t have to be so hard to find Vibranium. Just the next morning, Wakanda had revealed itself to be an advanced technological country that had kept to itself for the past few centuries or so. Which made sense because he had analyzed and observed Wakanda for awhile after the incident at Siberia.

How did such a poor and nature based society have such advanced technological advances that they could have implemented in King T’Challa’s suit? The Black Panther suit, more specifically.

Regardless, they had the technology and if it was to help protect their home, then they would do it.

There was too much going on there though. Apparently king T’Challa had gone missing then fought with a long lost cousin for the crown and come out victorious. The long lost cousin had discovered his blood line long ago, had a traumatic past that involved witnessing his father’s murder and tried to take the throne with the best intentions.

Like he mentioned, too complicated to get into at the moment. He wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth either.

Calling in a favor with T’Challa was rather easy and soon he had Vibranium coming in large quantities through his door. So that was how Rhodey found him, hours later with Vibranium strewn about and parts of the suits scattered throughout the floor and tables.

He heard the familiar whir of his prosthetic and soft footsteps as the door to his lab opened. “What’s um… all this?”

“Oh hey boo-bear.” Tony teased. He swiveled around in his chair with a cocky grin that he knew Rhodey found contagious. “This, my dear, is art in the making.”

Rhodey wore an expresssion of not so subtle astonishment and then met Tony’s eyes again after a sweep of the lab with his eyes. Slowly, his lips curled up into wide grin.

With a laugh, Tony got up and met him halfway and embraced his friend in a tight hug. Rhodey slapped his back lightly and pulled back to look at him. “You had me worried sick, man.”

“Sorry, sorry. To be fair, I had no idea that it would be that long.”

Rhodey scowled and pushed him away. “I had to find out from Shield that you were back!”

“Oh yeah.” Shield had completely slipped from his mind. “Wonder how that went.”

“Tony, I’m being serious.” Rhodey rubbed the bridge of his nose tiredly.

He looked exhausted and thinner than he remembered him being. It left a sour taste in his mouth at the knowledge that his friend was in this state because of him.

”You said one day. One!” Rhodey threw his hands up in the air. “You were gone for longer than what we expected and what we were told. The public was freaking out, the League of Nations was getting worried-.”

“Well that was because they wanted their trade deals and shit-.”

“Tony.” His voice was disappointed. “You came back and you didn’t even tell me or Pepper.”

He couldn’t help the wince at the name. The pain was still too fresh on his mind. Rhodey sighed, looking at him with pity. It was a look that had him shrinking into himself. God he hated being pitied.

“You gotta talk to her man. Not now maybe, but later. But the point is we were worried about you. You were up in space and we didn’t know what you were dealing with.”

“Sorry, Rhodes. It wasn’t planned I promise. Apparently time goes by slower up there than here. It really was one day for us.” He admitted.

Rhodey just shook his head and held a hand up. “Whatever. You’re here and safe now. The council is gonna want to talk to you and everything you and the king talked about. Shield’s already taken the liberty of fixing up an excuse for your absence to the public.”

“Well that’s great, but I really couldn’t care less.” Tony scoffed and sat back down on his chair. He watched Rhodey pull out another seat and slowly set himself into it. There was a small sound of metal rubbing against metal. “And the council isn’t gonna be too happy at how things went.”

“I take it, it went well?” Rhodey asked with a teasing grin.

He snorted, feeling his mood lighten. “Spectacular.”

“Well then,” Rhodey shifted forward, looking like an eager kid waiting for a story. “How was space?”

Tony huffed out a laugh and leaned back. “Oh where to begin.”

His voice was breathy. There were no words for how it felt. It felt too quick and slow at the same time. There was so much he wanted to pause and look at and so much he wanted to ask about.

“It was beautiful. Like- I don’t even know what to say. I never felt so small and yet part of something so big at the same time!”

He stood up, feeling his body shake with energy. He ran a hand through his already messy hair. “The bifrost was horrible, I’m not gonna lie. It felt like being tossed around in a salad shaker, but the salad was rocks.”

“Makes sense.” Rhodey nodded sarcastically.

“Shut up. Im tryna explain it.” He joked. “And the whole place was made of gold! Like if gold was poured over another bucket load of gold. It was horrible, but beautiful. Really got the whole royal and godly point across ya know. And these big doors that I have no idea how they managed to move them open. And the bridge, oh my god it was an actual bridge made of rainbows! You could see the color configurations traveling under the transparent layer-.”

“Okay, okay. But what I really wanna know, is how did the trial go. You met the king didn’t you?”

“Oh.” He felt himself deflate. “Well yeah I did. He was just as godly as they say. Big scary old dude, golden eyepatch and wearing armor and a cape. He’s like Thor, but on steroids.”

“Jesus Tony.” Rhodey cover his mouth and he looked at a loss for words. Most likely at the flippant tone he took at describing the literal king of gods. “I don’t even… I don’t- just continue.”

Smiling at his stunned reaction, he continued. “Alright, alright. The trial was actually pretty easy. No one really spoke out against Loki and Odin was pretty calm throughout the whole thing. Which is weird cause you’d think he would’ve been the most vocal.”

“I’m sure you’re just overthinking things Tony.”

“No I don’t think I am. Cause the whole time he just had this expression- this look,” He stressed out. “Like he just knew.”

“What, you think Odin knew about Loki this whole time and left his own son to rot away?” Rhodey looked skeptical and rightly so.

“No.” Tony muttered. “I think he knew, but he didn’t have the proof to help him. Odin may be a shit parent, but I don’t think he’d willingly let his son be punished for something he didn’t do.”

“And how would you know he was a shit parent?” Rhodey raised an eyebrow and stared at him contemplating.

Shit, he messed up. He couldn’t exactly say that he heard it from Loki in his dreams. No that was utterly crazy talk and a one way ticket to the loony bin. “Just a hunch.” He said instead. Rhodey glanced back and forth between his eyes and relaxed back. He hummed.

He moved on quickly, not wanting Rhodey to linger on what he had said. “Well back to the point. Asgard is extremely complicated. The people hate and love Loki apparently. Or they love to hate him. From what I know is that while the people, the citizens, tolerate and are more fond of Loki than Thor- not sure why- the council hates him. They wanted him gone long before.”

“Why?” He seemed perplexed.

“I really don’t know. Like I said. It’s complicated.” He shook his head. “There’s so much mysteries and secrets and I really didn’t know what was going on.” He leaned against the table. The suit’s armor made a small thud as they were shifted to make room for him. “And Earth wasn’t the only place that has it out for Loki. Apparently he did something horrible, well half of the people on Asgard don’t think it was bad, but actually something good, and the other half are just willing to throw Loki in the dungeon for it- and he was sent to this other planet to pay for his crimes.”

Rhodey’s shoulder’s slumped. “So we still don’t have him.” He sighed softly. “Should’ve known something went wrong when Thor came back looking all sad and without his little brother in tow.” There was a brief silence. “And you’re going too aren’t you?”

“I have to.”

“No.” Rhodey pressed. “No you don’t.”

But he did. How could he explain that finding Loki was something he just had to do? His waking thought is literally Loki and his last thought at night is of him as well and literally everything in between. How could he possibly explain to Rhodey that he was seeing Loki every time he fell asleep or that the gnawing guilt of leaving an innocent man to suffer for something he didn’t look into?

He was talking to a figment of his imagination and he kept forgetting that his Loki wasn’t real. And yet he still felt horrible for saying something that provoked a negative reaction. It shouldn’t be bothering him that much, but it did.

“Well you’re going to do it either way so might as well help you out.” Rhodey stepped forward and peered at the blueprints hanging up in the air on the screen.

“Suddenly got a degree in mechanical engineering?” He teased as soon as Rhodey’s eyes went dull at the complex equations and notes that popped up.

“Shut up.” He elbowed Tony’s rib. “I went to the same school as you.”

As they both bickered and laughed at mainly Tony’s antics, he decided that mentioning the failed diplomatic mission or Pepper or the fact that he had talked to Rogers would just have to wait for another time.

“What have you been up to then?”

Rhodey hummed and skimmed through the information strewn about. “Remember that mission I was on?”

Ah, right. Rhodey hadn’t been present for the days that Skadi had crash-landed on earth. He was on some important mission in Europe. Super classified because even Tony had been left in the dark, and it must’ve been something super serious if it had more priority than Skadi’s presence. He remembered that much at least, but it had been weeks to be honest, and he still was out of the loop.

His silence must’ve been answer enough to Rhodey. “I can’t tell you much, but it’s weird man, like supernatural weird.”

“I remember you mentioning radioactive activity and mysterious deaths right?”

“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Honestly, Bruce would’ve had more luck with this, but I can always use your opinion.”

“Always glad to share it.” He teased and Rhodey rolled his eyes in exasperation.

“I can’t say much, but there are a few loopholes, so let me give you some of what I know.”

Rhodey waved a hand about nonchalantly.

”There was an unordinary amount of deaths. All of them have some things in common. They’re all male, they all have Norwegian blood, not mixed or half, but I guess you could say pure. They’re all young and in their mid to late twenties and they die of spontaneous heart attacks. It’s too much of a coincidence and there’s no sign of an impeding heart attack.”

That was strange, too strange. “All healthy?”

“Yes.” Rhodey frowned. “And there’s no other case of this, but it’s been well hidden and kept under wraps. They haven’t traveled anywhere and there’s no disease or mishap in their genetics or an illness that they could have contracted. The only thing is that they have is a very small trace of energy coursing through them that could only be explained as radiation. But get this, if there was radiation, then it killed them silently and without a trace of damage.”

“Fuck.”

Tony stayed silent for a few seconds as he pondered over it a bit. While Rhodey was right that Bruce would’ve had a better chance at figuring out what this was, he could tell that maybe this wasn’t something inheritantly logical. It was too methodical, too clean cut, all too coincidental. But there was something he caught on at the beginning of Rhodey explanation. The people.

”You said Norwegian. All of these happened in Norway?”

“I know where you’re going, and no. We can’t talk to Thor about this even if he does know something about it.” Rhodey conceded with a sigh. He had completely stopped looking over the notes.

Why?

Rhodey must’ve seen his questioning and confused stare and answered quickly. “If they think Asgard or Thor has something to do with this, then they don’t want them knowing that they’re suspicious of them. Not only that, but letting the public know of this could discourage people from Loki’s side, and we all agree that Loki is our best bet.”

Rhodey snorted out a bitter laugh.

“And now that I think about it, how funny is that? An alien tells us that Loki’s our only chance against whatever’s coming and everyone is so eager to agree. She doesn’t have all that much proof, but we still hopped on the Loki train.”

Tony sighed and nodded in agreement. He wasn’t wrong. He was so eager to hop on that train too, but it seemed so foolish to place that much trust on one man. Maybe they were trying to shift the blame on someone else so that if things failed, they could blame it on him. The hypocrisy.

“Still, is there anything else about the case?” Tony asked. “Anything worth mentioning?”

“There is something. And it’s pretty creepy actually.” Rhodey sucked in a harsh breath. “The family of the men who have died had said that their last words were, and I quote ‘Take me to Valaskioll’. All of them said this. Every single one of them.”

“Is that a town?”

“Yes, but hear this.” Rhodey paused and his eyes looked off, like he was confused to the point that he seemed unnerved. “Everyone close to the men who died knows where it is, what he meant, but they don’t know how to find it. They point it out on the map, but it’s different every single time.” Rhodey shook his head. “We searched it up and sure enough, there’s very little information about it, but it doesn’t exist. It’s located somewhere in Norway, but anyone who’s actually seen it has died or never spoken about where it actually was.”

“Fuck.”

“I know.” He looked tired. “But all we know is that, wherever this town is, that place is the reason why all those men have died.”

  
  



	8. Not Infatuation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A long awaited talk between Tony and Pepper give him the sort of closure that he was longing for. But his joy doesn’t last long. Not with Loki.
> 
> God he was getting tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *towards the end of Loki and Tony’s conversation, there’s a scene with graphic depictions of torture. The scene ends with the dashed line (_______) and there is a mention of torture in their second conversation towards the end*
> 
> (I’m really trying to make warnings for those that prefer not to read that sort of thing- lol I hope I’m doing okay)

“The bracelets,” Stark began. It interrupted the peaceful nothingness of his mother’s garden. Loki watched from the corner of his eye as Stark slowly sat onto the lush grass besides him. “What do they mean? And why pearls? Of all things- diamonds- topaz- jades-. Why pearls?”

He cocked his head to the side. Now of all times, he chose to think about it? He glanced down at his own wrist. Hidden under his sleeve, Angrboda’s bracelet lay.

Instead he said, “You look more relaxed.”

Stark froze and then nodded. “Sleeping pills. If it’s here that I dream about, I don’t mind sleeping…” He cleared his throat. “Bracelets?

He seemed uncomfortable to continue the conversation so Loki allowed for him to change the topic. “It was originally just bracelets. Trifles I made out of boredom, but after Angrboda introduced me to the simple beauties- It just seemed fitting I suppose. And for the bracelets…”

There was so much about them that he didn’t know where to begin. He hand picked them carefully and agonizingly over time, finding the perfect pearls that he felt represented those he gave them to the best. It wasn’t just gifts, they meant so much more to him. He put as much love and affection and protectiveness into each bracelet. Granted, there weren’t many, but they were enough.

“What would you like to know?” He asked instead. His voice felt just a little bit hoarse.

Stark hummed and leaned back to look at the golden rays of the sun. “I know from Skadi that they’re like lucky charms. But her bracelet has a brown pearl and Thor’s has a golden pearl. So I’m guessing the pearls mean something or they’re different charms…” He waved his hand around nonchalantly. Though it seemed as though he was brushing it off, his curiousity was clear to his keen eyes.

Loki felt himself nod in agreement. “It is the former. The pearls all mean something. The gold pearl is rare and I chose it for Thor because it represents his class and prosperity. I thought it would represent him best.”

“And Skadi’s?” Stark asked. His smile was warm on his face.

“Brown is fairly common though I thought it suited her best.” He admitted. “The brown pearl, like her, is seen as dependable, represents stability, and healing.”

The smile on his own face was fond as he thought of her. She was his closest, if his only, friend. He could imagine her sharp tongue and dark humor and loved her for all her rude and brash nature, even if the majority of it was a ruse to hide that she was one of the most caring and kind-hearted people he knew. But he understood why she hid it. It was less out of shame, and more out of protecting herself.

“I find that she is always a constant in my life. Never close and yet never too far from I.”

Stark nodded in agreement as though he knew, and he supposed that yes he did. Loki’s memories were his were they not? Everything here was Loki’s. Of course Tony would know who she was, even if they had never truly met. Would they have actually gotten along? He didn’t know Stark enough to say for sure, but Skadi would most definitely like him.

Stark kept his eyes locked up at the leaves shuffling in the wind over them. “Is it just them who have it?” He spoke as if addressing the tree, but he knew to whom it was really directed to.

“No.” He answered. “I have Angrboda’s tied to my wrist.” Loki lifted up his arm and as the sleeve slipped down his arm, he watched Stark’s eye trail down the exposed skin in a peculiar manner, intense and searching all the same, before looking then at the bracelet.

He was seeing things. A trick of the light then, Loki shook his head mentally.

Same twine and leather, but a pink pearl instead. He answered the question, before Stark could voice it. “Pink represents romance and softness that only Angrboda could possess. And yes. He is no longer with me. No longer here.” He clarified. He rested his arm against his knee.

“Have you had it all this time?”

“For centuries it has remained on my person.”

It didn’t need to be voiced as it was obvious that he would never willingly take off the bracelet. It was one of the very few prized possessions he had. Everything else was clutter, unmeaningful, empty. He was rarely a sentimental person, so if he had one materialistic item he could take, it would be more than enough for the bracelet was all that he needed. A sense of security, stability he supposed.

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

“No you’re not.” Loki snorted. He hated empty words. “You didn’t even know him.”

Stark huffed and yanked at the grass on the ground. The stem pulled out with the small roots lay in small piles infront of him. Little flower weeds hung about. “I didn’t, but I know what losing someone feels like. It’s not fun.”

He felt his throat go dry. “But _do_ you know?” He pressed. “Do you know how it feels to have a connection to them, but the other line is dead?” He raised his wrist up into the air to stare at the bracelet mournfully. “I gave out twelve bracelets and the owners of four of them are… gone.” He rubbed his eyes tiredly. “I have Angrboda’s so I can’t feel him anymore, but the other bracelets, the other _parts_ of me are still _on_ their bodies.”

“Well what do you mean?” Stark was frowning now, in obvious confusion.

“It is a good luck charm per say.” Loki tried to summarize. “It protects against nightmares, I know when they are in danger, and I can feel them at all times as long as they _wear_ it.” He stressed out. “Their happiness, sadness, longing- it’s all there if I look for it. I understand what they are feeling emotionally and if they are well or not. Their pain, their agony. I can feel their heartbeat, the expanding of their lungs as they breathe, the cold biting nature of their fear. I only feel what they allow me to feel, but…”

Stark sucked in a breath. “So… those who have died… you can still feel them.” His eyes widened with mute horror and in discomfort at the realization.

Loki cleared his throat, feeling the sting of his eyes as tears tried to force their way out, but clenched his jaw instead. “My… my mother-.” He shifted uncomfortably. “She has the yellow pearl- not gold, but yellow. It was also how I knew she was gone. When suddenly, the little connection I had with her just snapped and the rush of cold dread and then… nothing.” He rubbed at his chest, feeling the ache of loss make itself known. “I still feel her. I still feel that coldness. Like experiencing death without dying.”

Constantly. Eternally.

Stark reached out, but then retracted his hand quickly. No touching was the unspoken rule. Instead he gripped at his legs, as if restraining himself from reaching out again. “I can’t even begin to imagine how that must be.” He admitted softly. “How does it work? How do all of the bracelets work?”

He was grateful for the change of topics. “It’s harmless Seidr- magic-, but I must admit, magic is merely science that many cannot comprehend. However, few such as I and my mother knew that magic and science are one in the same. Thor knows this as well.”

A little flourish of his hand and the scenery changed. The trees turned into walls and the sunlight bled into darkness. From the darkness, tiny bright lights lit up the sky, starks and the whole expanse of the galaxy shown above. The bushes of flowers turned into furniture and the flowers turned into the possessions he once owned.

“I follow the basic rules of physics, Stark.” Loki observed his face as his eyes widened in astonishment and his mouth parted. Stark smoothly moved to stand, stepping about the room and touching the solid furniture and items in the room. “I do not create matter nor destroy it.”

“You only bend them to your will.” Stark finished. “This is your room.” He noted. “I thought it’d be different. Frankly, I didn’t even know that you even knew that word existed.”

“Physics?”

“Yeah!” He shouted. “But what makes you so capable of bending it? How can you have so much ability to manipulate your surroundings? Why can’t other people like me do that? What does it feel like? Is it like moving an extra limb- is it like breathing- or is it just however you want it?”

Taken aback, he felt at a loss for words. Was he truly so desperate that he would imagine Stark to have so much interest in his Seidr? No one was. No one liked this part of him. They would much rather forget than acknowledge it. It was just a few of his many hideous features.

Nevertheless, he threw his shock aside and jumped into the conversation. It had been so long since he had a stimulating dicscussion about his Seidr. No one bothered to listen and if they did, they would cut him off short or smiled uncomfortably.

“Not everyone could learn, it was just being at the right place at the right time. For me, I am not completely solid mass. To manipulate matter, I have to guide it, mold it, but it’s a give and take sort of relationship.”

“So you have to fuse and intertwine with the molecular structure and change it to your will?”

“Yes. Essentially, I was more flexible than most. It did not mean that I was invincible, but that I could tap into that flexible nature of mine to change and do things as desired. Which would explain my ability to create illusions and change my form.” He trailed off often, feeling the words come, strangley, awkward off his tongue, but Stark paid no mind to it. Unused to these explanations, he wasn’t given a moment to slow down or think before they were jumping to the next and the next question. It was… nice.

“How do you learn it?”

“Just envision it, like envision your arm moving and it will, but it needs great focus.” Loki huffed out a laugh. “Of which I did not have as a child. I cannot say how many times I lit the room up in flames.”

“Oh?” Stark smiled. “Your teacher must’ve hated you.”

Loki winced as he thought of Rindr, his first teacher. “She did sometimes, but she loved me.” More than a mentor should have. “But it’s not only sheer will. Seidr is infinite and has a will of it’s own. It can expand time and space, but those who can use it are vessels in a way and can only manipulate what we are limited to.”

“So if you are somehow able to understand and comprehend every reality, every inch of space even though space has no real measurements, and all time itself, you could essentially become God?”

Loki opened his mouth and then closed it. That was actually something he had never thought about, hadn’t ever actually processed what the meaning of that was. “I am a god.” He added breathlessly, still shocked by something that hadn’t ever crossed his mind.

“Only in title.” He teased. “But really, you could do anything and everything right?”

Loki let out a strained answer. “Ah- yes- I suppose you’re right. I-…” He had to stop for a second to grip his bearings. “Hypothetically, we could become Gods, but I assume that it comes with a price. Everything comes with a price.”

“Does it hurt if you use it?” Stark asked. “I’m trying to understand. If you are born with it, then can it be taken away as well?”

“Hmm.” Loki leaned back to look at his room. “Near death, the Seidr will disappear. We give back what we have been gifted in a sense.”

How could he even begin to explain?

“Seidr can be lost and taken away.” He spoke slowly as he though through his words. “If injured or ill enough, my Seidr will focus on healing me and nothing more. It needs me alive to thrive. But there are powers that can take it away. The Norns themselves, Odin himself, and certain spells or curses can bind them, but never really gone. We are unlimited taps of potential as Seidr is constantly running through us.”

“Us as in?”

“My mother. Odin.” He frowned. “Thor.”

“What about the rest of your people?”

“Thor’s people.”

“Whatever.” Stark ignored his correction.

“They have more Seidr yes, but they are not vessels.” He frowned and turned to face him completely.

Stark’s face was slack and relaxed. He looked comfortable in his presence and that made him look away. He swallowed nervously and cleared his throat. “As an example, to show you how different we are, Thor is to the Aesir what your Captain is to normal humans.”

His eyes widened as realization settled. “Shit.”

“Indeed.” His lips twisted into a wry smile. “As for if it hurts, yes. It’s very painful.” His smile went away alltogether. “In Thor’s case oh so long ago, his magic was bound, but I know enough to know that it feels like slow fire under your skin.”

Stark winced.

“There are other ways that it can be bound though. Technology made to absorb nearby heat and energy.”

“And Seidr _is_ energy.”

“Exactly.” He agreed. “Unlike Odin or the Norns, they can bind it or subdue it without killing the user, but technology can be manipulated. It’s like a parasite, leaching off the Seidr until it has sucked them dry.”

“And too much too soon is dangerous right?” At his hum of confirmation, Stark continued. “What would happen if you were completely restricted from it?”

Loki rolled his shoulders and tried to relax his body. This was going into dangerous territory too quick. “It won’t go away too quick, like a switch. It’s slow and drawn out. Similar to burnout if one over exerts themselves.”

“As in?”

“Bleeding, from my eyes and nose. My mouth too.” He cleared his throat. “Black veins would crawl up my skin starting from the ends of my hands and feet and as it continues to expand, my limbs begin to burn and char. They rot away essentially.”

There was silence as the words hung in the air. He gave Stark a moment to process his words and his face was very expressive. Furrowed brows, lips pilled downwards into a grimace, and eyes full of sadness. “Have you experience it?” He eventually whispered.

“Once. As a child.” Loki admitted. “There was a guard and he had a vendetta against Odin.” He swallowed, trying to clear his hoarse throat as he spoke about what happened that night. “He thought it would be best to kidnap the youngest prince in exchange for whatever else he had wanted.” He spoke cooly and almost detached from himself. “I was changing into my sleepwear as it was late. Everyone else was already asleep. I was naked and he had snuck in. I- he…”

Stark shook his head frantically. “Fuck. You don’t have to.”

“He did something to me. Not what you think, but worse. He mutilated me after he realized I was- that I had-.” The words just wouldn’t come out and he gave up trying to say what exactly had happened. “I was young and the pain had triggered my Seidr to awaken far sooner than it should have. I lit this room up in flames and he burned along with it.”

He looked around the room, envisioning it with the same red glow that he remembered oh so long ago.

“It wasn’t as quick as you would have imagined it. He burned slowly and tediously. After the first few minutes, the top layer of his skin peeled away and the thicker layer split open and the fat began to leak out.” He looked at the spot on the floor, no longer stained, but he knew it was there. “He was slow to die, but eventually he did. Of shock rather than the fire.”

“Jesus Loki.” Stark cursed. His skin had gone grey and his hands looked clammy. He ran a hand down his face. “How old were you?”

“About 4 centuries.”

“How old were you in human years?”

Loki sat in silence and thought about it for a sec.

“Six.”

“Fuck. Fuck.” Stark whispered.

“Heimdall saw everything and reported it to my Mother as she was still awake. But they arrived too late. What’s done is done.”

He remembered vividly telling them both to promise not to tell Thor. After all, it had been his favorite guard and one that Thor had looked up to as a child. He didn’t want to deal with Thor’s anger and have his memory of the guard tainted by what he had done to Loki.

“I didn’t tell my mother about my Seidr awakening and I made Heimdall promise as well. I was determined to hide it for as long as I could.”

There was silence for a short while.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I already did.”

And that was the end of it. A short and blunt answer that left them stewing in silence. “Will you tell me some more about magic?”

That wasn’t even a question, but how could he deny him?

They ignored what he had said earlier and he was grateful that he hadn’t pressed.

“Do you think that the infinity stones were people who had become God, but since everything comes with a price, they had been molded into mere stones that could control all of existence?”

“How does your mind work?” He asked genuinely baffled.

Their conversation soon became long and construed and Stark, all the while, listened with rapt interest and gave enlightening comments that even he hadn’t thought of before. It ended up on the topic of engineering, thermodynamics, and an array of complex equations sketched over dozens of papers among the floor. And all of them were to explain space and time and existence itself.

It was the most fun he had ever had in such a long time.

Of course all good things had to end then.

Like cold metal wrapping itself around his neck, he felt himself ripped out of his sanctuary. It was an agonizing feeling and it splintered away at his mind and tore more at the fragility of his mental state. Gasping like a fish out of water, he coughed violently and heaved as blood splattered from his lips and across the floor.

Why couldn’t he breathe? Oh right, his lung. There was no wound. Was he fixed? When had they done so?

A cold, but familiar feeling of restraints on his wrists kept him in place. Strung up and the bottom half of his body sprawled across the ground restricted him from moving far. So doubling over and coughing up the fluids from his lungs had the majority of his vile and blood staining his legs and seeping out onto the floor.

What had ripped him away so? Pain. Surely it was pain. No other feeling was as strong as pain.

But with sudden delirious, his eyes wouldn’t stay out. He knew where he was, but his mind didn’t completely process it either. It was slow to analyze, slow to think. What had they given him? Why did his mouth taste so bitter?

With the taste of copper on his tongue, he looked around. There was a guard.

_Chitauri you fool. Remember?_

Oh yes. But how could he forget the things that plague him behind closed eyes? He was here now. Torn from the walls and safety of his mind and forced to look to the thing that promised his slow and torturous punishment.

Stark. Where was he now?

Though hazy and forgetful of his whereabouts, he zoned out. Had he spent too long in his sanctuary? Perhaps the insanity was beginning to take over once more. This time, however, he can’t promise he’ll come out with a sense of a stable mind like before.

He knew why he was here. They mean to break him into pieces. Shards so inexplicably small that putting him together once more would be impossible. It would be far easier to get Odin to, at the very least, _say_ he loves him than to fix the shattered remains of his after this ordeal.

The breath from his mouth came out like a wheeze. His chest ached from his past injury. All healed up, but still sore and uncomfortable every now and then. It gave him something to focus on, but he still watched from the corner of his eye at the guard’s movements.

The guard held up a large rod with a blocky and red smeared lump of metal at the end. Blood that was not his own. Perhaps it was another poor soul who lived amidst the dark cells.

The Chitauri’s face was covered by his armor, which he was grateful for. The ugly bastard was the only thing he had to see so thank the Norns for small gifts, he thought dryly.

Though he couldn’t see the expression, it’s short clicks that it made when it was amused was loud and echoed in the room. From outside of his cell, another prisoner shrieked. The sound of blood spilling was loud, soon followed by pitiful wails of agony. His stomach churned at the sound and his own blood rushed through his ears with each heartbeat.

He stared, in a daze and not really understanding just what was going on just yet. It had been too long since he was here. His mind was slowly tearing itself apart, but he kept trying to organize his memories.

He was captured and brought here. What happened first? The water? No. Yes? He had been washed down. The torture after? Yes. Beaten and starved, trying to make him docile. Stripped of his clothes and given scratchy cloth as clothing. Then more beating. The pain gave him something to hold onto so that he could be aware of everything that followed.

Then what? Stark?

No. He had come later.

The harsh winds, the woman’s death, the cold and humiliating showers.

Then Stark.

Stark who asked stupid questions, who entertained him for hours on end, who shared a similar dark humor to his. Who lived in a grand house with a beautiful mother and an alcoholic father that reminded him somewhat of Odin.

Stark.

But he wasn’t real. Wasn’t real, wasn’t real. He couldn’t forget that. He couldn’t.

He watched as the blurry form of his guard lifted up the handle and swung the block of metal over his shoulder. With a heavy foot, it stepped on his ankle, keeping him in place. He had half a mind to bite his lip to stop the groan from slipping out. A few tuggs against his restraints had him limply hanging in place. If he tensed up, it would only hurt more.

Taking in slow and even breaths, he forced himself to calm down. He could pretend that everything was well. He was good at that. Though he convinced his breathing and muscles, his heart still beat rapidly.

The guard nudged his foot forward, rolling his leg so that his foot twisted awkwardly to the left and pointed at the wall. It was uncomfortable and his muscles strained at being moved in such a position.

It’s fine. He’s had worse. He just had to block it out. That’s what he knew he had to do, but with morbid curiousity and bated breath, he wanted to watch. With his brows furrowing and eyes narrowed, his blurry vision focused on the guard. It grabbed the edge of the handle and slowly brought it down to his kneecap. He lifted it up and slowly brought it down and barely pressing the cool metal to his bare leg. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that it was his practice swings.

Instinct took over reason and he tensed. A plea remained stuck in his throat, but with a hasty attempt to scramble away, the guard swung the handle back over it’s shoulder. With a loud grunt, muscles rippling under the stress, it swung the bulky hammer down.

His lip bleed as his teeth bit down, but even then it would do nothing to stop the scream of agony that tore itself from his throat. The sound mixing with the noise of his kneecap and bones shattering into pieces. The sound of flesh ripping as jagged bone poked out from his bruised and bloody leg.

_Oh dear Norns, oh Norns! The pain-!_

The adrenaline didn’t do much at all, only serving to intensify the pain even more. His wrists tugged and rubbed already sore and raw skin against the metal chains. The heat of his blood trickled down his arms.

He tried to focus on that. Broken bones were nothing to him, but it still hurt like a bitch. The hot and pulsing throbs of his leg were intense and he tried so hard to tune it out.

Pain clouding his senses, he barely registered the click of the shackles or the guard’s grunting noise as it led him up to his feet. Putting weight on his leg was absolutely agonizing. With a small shout, he fell to his knees and felt tears prick at his eyes at the not so soft descent.

Another grunt and the guard yanked him to his feet once more. “Don’t touch me.” He cursed at it, but the thing made no noise of acknowledgement as it shoved him down the dank hallway. Limping and bruised, the wheezing sound he made as he breathed heavily, made a truly hilarious and pathetic sight indeed.

What would Thor say if he saw him now? Would he laugh? Would he look away in shame? Or perhaps lay upon him, a cold gaze of indifference just as Odin before him.

Not laugh. No. Thor would never. The big oaf would probably look away in shame, eager to cast a blind eye to the reality and live in the bliss of his ignorance just as he did everything else. Just like when Thor dared call him his own brother despite sharing the same blood as those he had vowed to kill so long ago and again over the history they shared. How he would call Jotuns vile and wretched beasts and yet ignore that he belonged to that same group.

Was this what you had desired, _father_?

He couldn’t have thought the word with more venom than he had. The word was ironic and sardonic even in his own mind. It was spat and bit out and so clear that he was unsure if he had actually spoken it aloud.

Is it what he wanted to see? To see him draped in chains instead of Asgard’s golden armor? To see what a true Jötun was supposed to be?

But he was no more Jötun than he was Aesir. He had lost his identity and then lost whatever more he had to name himself. He had given up the other title the moment he laid the Bifrost upon Jötunhiem.

He was nothing now. A shell of a man he once was. Not even a man. He was less than that. He had never even been _himself_.

The guard shoved him roughly and he grit his teeth to stop himself from verbally lashing out.

_Had I not been bound, you would be kneeling before me._

His arms were restrained as was everything else. One thing did not escape his grasp.

Fool. They left him unbound to his sight.

His eyes fluttered about. It was a challenge to focus, but he could see pretty well considering all things.

Immediately, his hope was squandered. There was absolutely nothing to his advantage. There was no nook or cranny in this blasted place that could help him access his Seidr. The walls thrummed with energy that drained him of any use.

_Splendid_.

They stopped before an eerie gated door. “After you.” He said in a faux polite tone. He must truly be loosing his mind if he was joking about this now. There was nothing funny about the situation. He had an inkling of what lied behind the door.

The doors slid open and he was shoved inside.

“This time, death won’t save you.” The voice said and then the door slid close.

It really was a blur after his first couple of steps inside. The noise of the guard shackling him onto a metal table was drowned out by his screams as they injected him with fluids and drugs that turned his skin into paper and bones as brittle as straw.

It was the pain of having his skin cut off inch by inch, nails ripped from his hands, scalpels opening him up and toying with his organs- and no, no, that wasn’t supposed to be out from his body, put it back, put it back-! He screamed and moaned and wailed in pain despite the promise he had made to never satisfy them with it.

The shackles melded into his skin from the constant use of seidr that healed his wounds over his restraints.

Where was he? So cold. So cold.

Torn to shreds, he was assured by the gaurds rather quickly. “We’ll stitch you back together if only to tear you apart all over again.”

_And again and again._

It could have been hours, it could have very well been years, but he didn’t know. He wondered if it was the drug or the hallucinations that screwed with his sense of time, but he couldn’t think through the fog in his mind. The room was all he knew. The boredom was also something that he had not expected of this torture. Nothing, but his mind for hours.

He would wait and wait in his garden. It was his home now. None of this was real.

His blood stained the walls and floors, his organs or limbs ripped out over and over again. Manipulating his seidr, it was used to fix him up only to break him again. His pieces laying in that bucket in the corner of the room was not real. Nothing was real.

Reality was a farce. It was different and relied upon the person’s beliefs. _They_ gave meaning to reality. It was his to decide if it was real. So it wasn’t real. It wasn’t.

The foul breath of one of them hit his face. “I can assure you,” It said. “We are very real.”

And of course he had to laugh. They could hear his thoughts or perhaps he was saying them aloud. But he laughed and laughed through the pain and morbidness of it all.

Eventually, time was up and he was tossed back into his cell, naked and bloody. “Your day is up. Until tommorrow.” The guard said and left him alone and wounded in the dark.

A day.

He laughed loud to himself in hysteria.

It had only been a day.

Curled up into a small ball in the furthest corner of his room, he tried so hard to stop from crying. He wasn’t in pain anymore, but he was just so, so alone. If his tears ran silently down his face and mixed with the dried blood, no one was there to witness it. No one, but him, and he knew just how pathetic he really was.

His silent sniffles echoed mockingly in the cell.

__________

Tony awoke with a start. One second he was with Loki, listening to the intricate explanations of energy and power of the universe and things he hadn’t ever thought about, but then Loki had froze. A quick look of confusion and then panic before he disappeared.

The scene changed and it had been dark and cold. A tight room that smelled of blood and sweat. Briefly, he saw someone standing with something in his hands, but it was all too quick. Images of red stained floors, figures shrouded in black armor, and an eery waste bucket in the corner of the room flashed before his eyes, followed by the sounds of metal, disturbing sounds of flesh moving, whirring and then screams of pain.

He shot up with a scream and scrambled over his chest. His arc reactor was still there and everything else was in place. He wasn’t in any danger and he wasn’t injured anywhere. He was safe. It was just his rapid heartbeat and short clipped breaths that were giving him trouble.

“Boss?”

“I’m fine.”

“Your vitals are rapidly increasing and your stress levels are high.”

“I said I’m fine, Friday!”

He had to get him. He’d never rest easy if he didn’t. It wasn’t just to alleviate the guilt that perhaps what he had seen could be what was going on with Loki, but it was because he had to see him. He had to look at his face and see Loki for who he really was. Not some fake representation that he had in his dream, but the real thing. And dammit he was going to make Loki his friend. If he was anything like his dream, which he suspected he would be, then he’d love to get to know him. Actually know him.

It was still dark out and one look at the clock had it telling him that it was a little after four in the morning.

“Boss, I recommend sleeping more.”

“Not now.” He growled. The nightmarish end to the dream was still fresh in his mind. The desperate sort of feeling was more prominent now. The tingly layer that he had come to acknowledge as Loki’s magic, was urging him to do something.

Stumbling ungracefully down the halls and into the elevator, Friday was still insistent. “Sir your health is at a concerning level. You have slept very little-.”

“Mute.” Tony muttered and then her voice disappeared.

He knew he was not in a good state. He smelled too much of alcohol, had nothing but liquor and coffee in his stomach, and was running on fumes, but dammit if he wasn’t going to finish that goddamn suit.

Fourteen hours later and he was practically clawing at his own eyes trying to stay awake. The energy in his chest swirling with uneasiness and restlessness.

It was like Afghanistan all over again.

A wake up call.

Guilt fueled him to push on, adding configuarations and going with an entirely new route with the metal compounds of his suit.

Thor tried to get him out of the lab, threatened to break down the door too. Even actually attempted it only to stop after he had threatened to cut his long blond hair and dye it blue in his sleep. He gave up after that, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t checking up on him. Every couple hours, as a fresh cup of coffee would be brought down via one of his bots, but with it, a whole plate of food ranging from simple soups or fancy looking dishes of fish or duck or even steak. One thing was for sure, wherever Thor was getting the food from, it was delicious.

Day three of no sleep had brought the final testing phase of the suit. Exposure to nitrogen in extreme cold conditions. The repulsors were well, the suit was able to move perfectly well, and the suit’s mainframe wasn’t slowing down due to the temperature.

“Show me exploded visual.” The holograph expanded and showed how each piece of his suit was reacting.

“It seems as though the compression in cylinder three is doing much better than in the second, Boss.”

He hummed to himself. “Log that for me will you, dear?”

However, day three also brought someone else. Distracted with the data Friday was giving him with how the suit was holding out, he would’ve known if anyone entered the room. Friday would’ve mentioned them to him. Thing was, if she didn’t that meant that whoever was there had his override pass and codes to the lab.

The music he was playing loudly cut off. “Please don’t turn off my music. I’m very particular to my workspace you know, Rhodey.”

As soon as he heard the familiar sound of heels against the floor, he felt himself tense up. Unless Rhodey has taken to wearing heels, he was going to bet that it wasn’t him.

Fuck.

Not her. Not yet. He wasn’t ready. With a slight tremble to his movements, he leaned forward and slumped into his seat, trying and failing to look slightly more alive than he did now.

“Hey Pep.” He murmured, a strained smile on his lips as he turned around to face her.

She was just as beautiful as he remembered. Always so put together, calm and collected. She had always had her shit figured out unlike him. That was partially the reason to why it didn’t work out he guessed.

Wearing a pencil skirt, pastel pink button up and blazer, she was the definition of admirable composure. Hair tied up into a neat ponytail, beautiful eyes and thin lips pressed up into a small and sad smile, she looked nervous and yet determined.

“Hello Mr. Stark.” She replied.

So back to Mr. Stark then was it? Figures. So this was all professional then. She wasn’t coming to fix ties between them, but to completely rearrange them and cement where they were in relations to one another. It was hard to meet her eyes and he fiddled with the tools in his hands. He knew his toying with it was something she found mildly irritating, but he couldn’t help it. She didn’t seem to call him out on it either.

“So what is it that you’re holding there?” He asked instead. The flippant gesture was aimed at the small notepad in her hands and a black file hidden behind it.

“Papers.” She glanced down at them and took a few steps forward. The scent of her perfume, powdery in nature with a hint of flowers permeated the air between them. The perfume was not the one he had given her as an anniversary gift a few days before they had separated. She leaned over and placed the file gracefully on the desk beside him. So close and yet so far.

She hadn’t handed it to him, but chose to set it where he could grab it. Did she think he didn’t trust her anymore? They had never had a problem with it, but that small act showed how much they had regressed. How had things turned so sour between them?

“The League of Nations want your full cooperation and signature verifying all the details of what transpired on your visit to Asgard.” She explained. Carefully, she smoothed out the wrinkles and moved back.

“Did you throw it away?” He blurted out instead. At the confusion on her face, he elaborated. Slowly and bitterly, he spoke. “The perfume. The one I gave you. Did you throw it away?”

“Mr. Stark-.”

“Tony. My name’s Tony.” He reached out and gripped her wrist. He had to know. He was so close to her, but it felt like he had never had her to begin with. “Please Pepper. I just- I need to know.”

She seemed to take pity on him. With lips pressed together, she put her hand over his and slowly pried his fingers off of her. She didn’t let go, choosing instead to grip softly at his hand. “I didn’t, Tony. I couldn’t.” It quickly became more than just the perfume. “You know this was never going to work. You have so many other things that I could never ask of you to give up.”

He grit his teeth, frowning at her words. How could she speak for both of them? Pepper had been everything for him. When she told him it was over, it broke him. He had realized that he had taken her presence for granted, but he had hoped that she would’ve been there for him. He needed her, he felt hopelessly lost without her. “I would’ve you know. I would’ve given it up for you.”

Pepper shook her head softly. She ran a hand down his face and across the scruff of his jaw. “You wouldn’t. And I wouldn’t have asked you to.” She held a fond tone in her voice even if it was mournful. “I love you too much to do that to you.”

His heart constricted even more at that. He placed his palms over her hand and leaned into the touch. “Why can’t we work through this? Just like we have everything else?”

“Oh Tony.” She looked amused and regretful. Her eyebrows furrowed and lips pulled up into a wry smile. “You’d never give up Iron Man. And I could never give up on the fact that you risk your life so willingly by wearing that suit.” She let go of his face. “You’re just a man and trying to live up to this perfect image the world has of you is going to get you killed.” She took a step back and put a clear distance between them. “I told you once and I’ll tell you one more time. I’m not going to wait around until you kill yourself.”

“I’ll be fine.” He tried to argue.

“You don’t know that. You never even called me after you came back from Asgard.” Her pretty face scrunched up in frustration. “I know we weren’t talking then, but I still care for you. You could have died and you never said anything when you came back.”

Yeah that was on him. He hadn’t reached out to her because he didn’t want to talk to her. He was hurt, but she was hurting too. Despite the way she seemed to be, now up close and with her eyes honest and her worries bared, he wondered why he hadn’t seen it before. Or why he thought their whole breakup wouldn’t affect her.

It was obvious that she cared, just perhaps not in the way he wanted her to. And dammit if he wasn’t selfish for wanting to keep both her and Iron Man. And she knew it. She knew he would’ve never given either of them up so she made the choice for them. She pushed past her pain and chose to distance them from one another.

As he sighed, Pepper smiled, short and sweet. “I couldn’t lose you once I had you.” She whispered.

“So you decided you couldn’t have me instead.” He finished. Her smile turned just a bit bitter at that.

Maybe she really was just as selfish as him then.

Pepper guided his hand over the papers and set a pen next to where he needed to sign the papers. “I’ve taken the liberty of going through with Friday about what is correct and what isn’t. You’ll find that everything is just as how it happened. You also have a conference meeting with the press about your trip and a diplomatic meeting infront of the League of Nations on what you argued for during your trip.”

He watched her and pushed down the bitterness still in his throat. He knew just as well as she did that things weren’t going to be fixed that easily. Regardless he gave her an out instead of trying to force another heart to heart talk. God knows he wasn’t good at those.

“I thought these papers would be going to those assholes. Doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose of getting me to sign all this?”

Her shoulders relaxed and she gave a grateful little smile as the tension felt a little bit less prominent. “Yes, but they want to make sure they have visual and auditory recordings of you recounting your…” Pepper paused and cleared her throat. Her smile held a hint of mirth. “Diplomatic mission.”

His lip twitched upwards and he felt the bubble of laughter before he heard it. “Alright then. Spew some bullshit about my great advancement for human kind and talk about space stones and aliens at both meetings. Got it.”

There was no way he was going to be spending his day with arrogant and pompt assholes all day. He had had enough of that back on Asgard. He had more urgent matters to attend to. In other words, saving Loki’s ass from Jotunheim which shouldn’t be too long from now based on how things were going with his suit.

With a flick and flourish of his name in ink, he handed over the papers back to her. “I’ll be there.”

Pepper raised a dainty eyebrow, the teasing smile still on her face. “I haven’t even told you when or what time it’ll be.”

He paused, file in hand and outstretched in mid-air. He supposed there was no lying about how he didn’t plan to go at all. “You know me so well.”

“Too well.” She agreed. “I’ll send the information with Friday and I’ll have Thor personally in charge of taking you.”

“Oh Pep. You know that big softie would never say no to you.”

“Exactly why I’m having him in charge of making sure you get there. Now for God’s sake, get some rest and bathe!” Pepper pat his shoulder and plucked the papers out from his hands. “Will that be all, Mr. Stark?”

He shared her smile. “That will be all Miss Potts.”

_____________

The soft caress of wind against his face was what woke him up. Immediately, Tony recognized the ancient looking tree with the golden fruits. It’s been awhile since he’s been here. He wondered if he had been trying to avoid this place by not sleeping. No that wasn’t it, he had wanted to come here.

What he was avoiding was those nightmarish glimpses of a room and a strapped table that would immediately pop up when he closed his eyes. But if he was here then he must’ve passed out sometime after Pepper left.

His mouth was bitter with medication. Ah the sleeping pills. No he hadn’t passed out, he had willingly fallen asleep.

There was a warm presence beside him.

He shifted his head to peer at the other man. Loki looked grey and thin. His gaze was a thousand miles and he stared at nothing. A hand rubbing his bracelet over his wrist was unsteady and repetitive.

“Loki?”

He didn’t so much as twitch at the noise. His mouth formed words, but he didn’t understand a thing he was saying. It was like he was consoling himself. He was shivering as if he was cold, but there was no temperature here. Nothing to be hot or cold. It was just nothingness.

“Do you know what it’s like to be stripped of your senses? One by one, it just turns numb. They start with taste because that’s the least important one. They burn the tastebuds off with hot metal.”

It was all a jumble of words and spoken so quick that he wasn’t sure exactly what it was that he was saying.

“You can taste it at first. The blood and then burning flesh and then nothing. Everything turns numb. Second, it’s the sense of smell. Magic I suppose. At least I didn’t have to smell rotting flesh or dried sweat no longer. Then they restrict touch and sensation. They tie you up and then cut up your nerves so you can’t feel anything. I can’t move, and I can’t _feel_ them move when they decide to play around.”

  
  


“Loki…” He wasn’t sure what exactly was going on. He sat up and leaned over to peer at his hands. He was rubbing his palms together and the skin was turning red and raw. “What are you saying?”

“Then they go to hearing. They’re incredibly sensitive you know. Just a small bit of damage to the eardrum and you can listen to ringing for the rest of your life. It’s ringing still, but my mind slowly drowned it out. I can hear you, if that’s what you are concerned about. I can hear everything here.”

“What next?” He found himself asking. “What else are they doing to you?”

Loki kept his gaze out over the garden’s walls. “Then last is my sight. Do you know how it feels? To be unable to feel anything at all? To not hear your enemies, to not see the blows, to scream and scream in the darkness without knowing where your voice lies?”

He kept his mouth shut. He knew. Of course he knew. The void had done that to him in such a short amount of time, but it had never occurred to him that Loki could perhaps have lost _all_ sensation in that long period of time. He’d go mad. The detailed description though, they were not his own memories and he didn’t have enough dark imagination to come up with how to remove each of the senses.

“Listen Lokes, I really don’t know what kind of spiritual or deeper meaning this all is and frankly, I don’t really care.” No that came out wrong. That was a lie. “No, what I mean is… I don’t even know where I’m going with this. I’ve seen the void, I almost died in it, but I’ve been learning to get over it. And yeah it sucks and I still have nightmares and habits that I’ve developed to stop myself from dreaming, but I really don’t know what it’s got to do with you. So I’m sorry if I can’t understand. And I’m sorry I don’t know how to comfort you.”

Loki shook his head and slouched into himself even more. “You don’t have to comfort me. You don’t have to say anything!” He gripped at the roots of his hair. “I just need someone to listen! Anyone. I just need someone and I don’t care if it’s myself disguised as you.”

And that was just heartbreaking. “Where are you Loki?” He asked softly.

“I don’t know, I don’t know…” He repeated, voice cracking and face buried in his hands.

“I’m gonna save you. Just you watch.” Tony promised.

Loki laughed sadly at that. “If only I knew from what I have to be saved from. Them or myself.”

And wasn’t that the million dollar question? A golden fruit fell between them with a soft thump. So close and yet so far. He was suddenly angry. Why did it have to be Loki of all people to be here to assume this deep mental role of his dreams? It could’ve been Pepper or Rhodey. Hell, it could’ve been Natasha or Steve. Their betrayal would’ve made sense. No, it was Loki, but why him?

He reached out and touched the fruit mindlessly. It was smooth and had just a little bit of fuzz like that of a peach. The citrusy smell wafted in the air between them.

With a strange glance downwards, Loki inched his hand forward and placed it on the leaf of the fruit. His pale and fragile looking hand remained mere centimeters from his own hand. Tony’s fingers twitched at the proximity, but ultimately, he did nothing. There was the unspoken rule between them.

Maybe, just maybe, when this was all over, he would just reach out and grab his wrist. He would look Loki in those sharp green eyes of his as the dream finally faded away and say…

What would he say? He had so much he wanted to voice, so many questions, so many doubts. It would be impossible to organize his thoughts enough to say it all.

However, until then, he didn’t have to worry about it. He was content with imagining crossing that distance between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know if anyone’s noticed, but I’ve made Loki’s torment into a Dante’s inferno kind of torment. IE, the different levels of hell, but don’t look to much into it. It’s not that deep. I just like the book.


	9. Ever Green

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally some closure, but it didn’t really feel like it Tony would soon come to realize.

“No. I don’t care if Pepper told you, I’m not going to that meeting. I’m practically done with the suit! We can go to Jötunheim just as soon as I do the finishing touches!” He told Thor. The bowl of cereal was quickly turning soggy as he kept being interrupted from eating it. Some healthy shit he remembered Pepper loved. “You can just tell them they can kiss my ass. Well not like that, but I trust that you’ll make that point well enough.”

Thor had woken him up and seemed delighted to find him sleeping, but also apologetic for waking him. But Tony had been so happy to spend the time with Loki that he had snapped at Thor for trying to get him to go to that stupid meeting.

“Tony.” Thor’s voice was soft and different. It prompted him to look up at him. It was a confused and compassionate expression. His eyebrows were up and drawn together, a subtle yet sad smile. “I see what you are trying to do. It brings me great comfort, but it also confused me.”

He took a seat besides Tony, settling in gracefully, but without that elegant nature that just followed Loki around. The comparison made him twitch slightly. Thor paused, perhaps regarding him for a moment before patting him softly on his shoulder.

“All those nights, trying to save my brother from Jotunheim. I am utterly at a loss my friend. He has done nothing, but bring Midgard chaos.”

“It wasn’t him though.” He argued.

“Ay, that I know. But the blood is still on his hands.” He looked less than happy at the prospect, but accepting of it. “But my friend, whatever you think of Loki, I assure you it is not him. Not any longer.”

So he knew. He knew about Skadi telling him stories of their childhood; he knew of Tony’s curiousity and protectiveness over any mention of Loki despite not knowing him. Not really at least. But that was just it, he didn’t know. At least not everything.

“Stop looking into things that aren’t there, point break.” He drank the milk from his bowl. “You’ll just hurt yourself.”

Thor just stayed quiet. The sound of his slurping was loud and increased the awkward air around them. Eventually, Thor sighed and stood up. “I would stop looking into it once you have stopped having such an infatuation with my brother.”

He choked on his milk and sat the bowl down roughly on the table. “Who said-,” He coughed out his words and wiped at his mouth. “Anything about infatuation?! He threw me out of a window!”

Thor just made his way out and into the elevator. “Come if you wish, I will not beg.” As he pressed a button to indicate the floor he was leaving to. “But thank you, Tony. I think my brother would have truly been fond of your presence.”

That was the second person who had said something like that. Briefly, he wondered what Skadi was doing before a sense of loneliness overcame him again. They had each other’s company despite it being as strange and cold as it was for that small amount of time.

Tony groaned as the doors shut close and placed his face on the table. The cool metal was refreshing against his warm skin. Cursing Thor, he got up, put his dishes away and went up into his room to look even the slightest bit presentable.

When he was finished, he went down to Thor’s floor to see him waiting patiently with a knowing grin. “Not a word.” He told him as they both made their way out. Thor just raised his hands in a placating gesture, but the grin was still in place.

The meeting went as he thought it would. He explained what had occurred. Answered questions, deflected many, and released some pictures of Asgard. The pictures were mainly of the castle, intricate designs, plants, a few animals, machinery that they were not completely sure what they were, and so forth. None of the pictures were of the people as the Allfather had demanded.

While the politicians focused on what kind of weapons or defenses Asgard had, of which Thor aggressively shot down as a lack of trust between Asgard and Midgard, the journalists and many other ambassadors focused on the trade deals and what Asgard is offering them. Of course, he had to break it to them what Odin had said word for word. Having an audio file with Odin’s permission as well as Thor’s signature that yes, that was indeed the king of Asgard, helped significantly.

“So what do you suppose we do?” Someone from the security council had hissed. “Asgard has closed its doors to us, we have no knowledge of how they can aid in the fight against this… Thanos, and the war criminal Loki has been moved from out of our reach of whom we are led to believe, has an important part in our further endeavors.”

Tony clenched his jaw, but he knew it was not his place to say anything. It was Thor’s stage. Thor who had quite a thunderous expression if the cold gaze and dangerous way he held himself said anything. “There is a reason as to why Asgard over sees all of the nine realms.” He began in a scarily, calm tone. “Our military has been unparalleled and unchallenged for many millennias’. Midgard is but a budding sapling in the midst of many higher forms of war. Your weapons are advanced, beautiful, and magnificent things, but our form of war has been strengthened over and over for much longer.”

It made sense, but there was the fact that Asgard still used more medival forms of fighting. If it weren’t for their invincibility and ability to bounce back from injuries as though they were small scratches, they wouldn’t have lasted very long. But it was things like the bifrost and Seidr in their weapons that made them more dangerous than standard bullets and bombs.

“Together, I believe we can achieve many great victories, but Asgard will not allow Midgard to be hit first. Asgard will be the first, and if worse comes to worse, we shall be the first to fall. I promise you this, to every man and woman of this realm, we are threats, but only to those that threaten us first and my people will fight to the last for every one of the nine realms.”

It was an admittedly beautiful speech that had journalists and many other reporters jumping to their feet and shouting questions. Just like that, the spotlight moved from Tony to Thor. Thor had both given a satisfying answer without really saying anything at all. They still had no plan, they still weren’t sure where their place was, and they still had no idea on how to prepare for the upcoming threat.

The people couldn’t be calmed back down or settled after the little speech and thus concluded the meeting. He just wanted to go home, sleep, and then take a shower because standing under the bright lights in a humid room with hundreds of other people who were perfect at scrutinizing your every word was sweat inducing.

Of course that was would’ve happened if his driver was actually Happy and not some Shield fucker who was following another set of plans. Thor pressed his lips together in annoyance and denied that he had anything to do with Shield basically kidnapping them.

“I wanna talk to Fury.”

“You’re talking to him.” The gruff voice over the car’s speakers responded. “I need you both to call it in.”

“Call what in?” He snapped. “I just said what happened and did what I had to back at the meeting. You can watch it all later on your TV or some shit because I’m not going over it again.”

Thor winced, but he looked equally exhausted. He didn’t seem to agree with the language he was using, but he wasn’t adverse to it either.

“Stark, this isn’t something that can be put on hold. We need all the information that you shared and any other things that was discussed as soon as possible.”

“No, no, no.” He shook his head vehemently despite knowing that Fury couldn’t see him. “Thor told you what you had to know and…” He paused and went over Fury’s words in his head. “Okay, just a question- why do you have to talk to me anyways about what happened during the meeting? Don’t you have your committee doing the job for you?”

At Fury’s hesitation, it was fairly obvious why they were out of the loop. The League of Nations didn’t trust the World Council Committee and much less Shield. Rightfully so, might he add.

With an amused tone, he tried to keep the laughter at bay. “So the world stopped trusting you and locked you in your room, is that it?”

“We have other ways of finding information, Stark.”

“Then use them.” He retorted. “And if you don’t let me and Goldilocks over here go home, I’m gonna have Pepper bill you for every hour outside of my office hours that are from the times ‘not now’ to ‘definitely not later’.”

Fury paused and then spoke again, his tone was final. “Put it on the tab then.”

There was a click as Fury had the _audacity_ to hang up on them. He felt growl in his throat and he was seething with anger. He was exhausted, hungry, and grimy. The last thing he wanted to deal with was Shield’s crap.

Thor pat his shoulder softly and gave him a soft shake. “I understand your anger my friend, but there is no use in arguing with those who cannot be reasoned with.”

Tony groaned and rested his head against the headrest. “Why do you let them boss you around. You’re literally a prince, you can do whatever the hell you want.”

He huffed out a dry laugh. “Dealing with ignorant people comes with the title. And as much as a man such as Fury irritates me so, he has good intentions. Although I admit, they are indeed brash and infuriating. He was not the one to demand a bomb over New York and he has done much to try and help those in need.”

“Jeez. Can’t I just hate the guy and not feel unjustified about it?”

Thor laughed and removed his hand. “It is very much justified. He is a very manipulative man, however you cannot deny that he has some good intentions.”

“So we’re going?”

“Ay, we are.”

“Good because I don’t think we even have a choice.” He settled in and closed his eyes. Maybe he could get a few more minutes of sleep.

____________

It was only Thor, Fury, Natasha, and him in the room, so thank god for the small mercies then. He sat down in the chair across from Fury and made himself comfortable under Natasha’s scrutiny. Thor huffed and sat down next to him, politely greeting them while Tony remained silent.

Even though he had agreed to go without putting up a fight- or well, not that big of a fight- he wasn’t about to just roll over and do everything Fury asked him. To Thor’s exasperation and Fury’s annoyance, he went in circles, didn’t answer the questions unless secifically asked, and just plain ignored him and jabbed at him whenever possible. It had Fury practically seething and Natasha doing her best to keep things on track despite the irritation and disappointment obvious in her face.

He was bitter and if Fury was going to be wasting his time then he was going to do it right back, but it still hurt to see what she was thinking so easily on her face. It hurt especially because he _knew_ her well by then to know that she wasn’t exactly hiding it either. She wanted him to see.

“ _Do you ever think about anyone else, but yourself_?” Those had been the last words Natasha had shared with him before disappearing off the grid with Rogers and Sam by her side.

But he does. He absolutely does think about other people. That’s _all_ he’s been _doing_! He did all that he could to help Rogers with the accord and to not get benched because of what he thought was right. He _tried_ to help James Buchanan Barnes and apologized to Rogers for not taking his side earlier _before_ he found out about his parents. And he gave Natasha all the time that she needed to disappear!

He loved them all and it just seemed like it could never be enough. No. That he, _himself_ , would never be enough for them. But here he was; staring at his old comrade in the eyes and trying not to shrivel up under her weighted stare because he was absolutely _not_ the one in the wrong.

Suddenly, her face seemed blurry and black spots fluttered about in his vision. He swayed in his seat and he latched onto the table to steady himself. Dammit, he shouldn’t have gone so long without sleep, or at least without an organized schedule of when to do the basic necessities. Maybe he wouldn’t feel so nauseous and his head wouldn’t be pounding. It was a special pain only designated for his extreme hangovers or, apparently, going without sleep for more than a few days.

Understatement of the year.

“Tony?” Thor’s voice came muffled and echoey. It was as though he were speaking from across the room in a whisper. Thor put a hand on his shoulder to steady him.

He waved his concern off. He didn’t want to be coddled and especially not infront of Natasha or Fury.

“I just need some air.” He murmured. It wasn’t a request, he needed to get out. Back facing the wall and the other two in his line of sight, he tried not to let it show just how shitty he felt.

“Are you sure you’re alright?”

He struggled to push himself off from the seat, using his hands braced on the table. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about-,” His head spun and he teetered dangerously to the floor. Thor held onto him by his arms, stabilizing him.

“Tony.” Natasha called his name out in concern, but made no move to reach out to him. Frankly, he didn’t want her to and she most likely noticed. Her expression was schooled back into a blank and cold expression, but she kept the worried line between her eyebrows.

“I just stood up too fast.”

“I think this concludes this discussion.” Thor said.

Fury frowned and leaned forward in an intimidating way that failed to do its intended purpose. “But we haven’t discussed-.”

“It has concluded.” Thor said the words with a hint of a growl.

It made his fondness for Thor grow larger. He could almost forget about what he had done in Jötunheim or about wrapping his hand around his throat back during the whole issue with Ultron. Almost. Regardless, his protectiveness was welcomed. He was the only one who really looked after him when Rhodey is busy with his physical therapy and Pepper when-… well, she’s always busy.

Natasha put a hand over Fury’s shoulder and tilted her head. With a sigh, Fury conceded. He patted her hand in a rare show of affection. He could see Fury trusted her as much as she trusted him. That much was obvious and he wasn’t sure if Fury was letting them see that for manipulation purposes or because they all knew each other well to some degree and could show that fondness without worrying about it.

“Okay good, good.” Tony murmured. He brushed off Thor’s hands and motioned at the door. “Shall we?” He did a faux bow that came off very sarcastic. Luckily, Thor found it amusing and the smile was worth the horrible throbbing that the movement entailed.

“Thank you, my friend.” Thor walked out with a charming gait as he usually does and Tony straightened up. However, it had the black spots in his vision increase tenfold. He stumbled out of the room and cursed. “Oh fuck.” He really shouldn’t have let this go on for so long. That was his last thought as he swayed to the side and blacked out.

_______

Time really did move so gracefully. It ran through his fingers like water as he tried fruitlessly to grab it and hold it in his palm. It was an attempt to stop time from moving so fast, but alas, what could small hands do against the gushing stream? They would always fill up and pour through his fingers and it was a battle that had already been determined long ago.

Loki murmured and sang softly. It was an old tune, a lluluby more like, that the people in Angrboda’s village sang. The words poured from his lips as the comforting language brought a wave of nostalgia. The words were the only sounds in the silent gardens.

He didn’t think he sang well, but he wasn’t as horrible as Thor was. His voice was out of tune, it sounded off at times, but he found the act of doing it comforting. His mother would sing to him as a child when the nightmares were too great to bear. She’d sing hymns of past stories and myths while combing her fingers through his hair. His head would be cradled over her bosom and when he grew older, he would lay his head over her lap instead and clutch at her dress.

Later in life, he would do the same for his children. When they would feel anxious or scared, he’d carry them in his arms and sway side to side. All the while he would whisper the lluluby he had learned from his mother into their hair. He wouldn’t let them go until he was sure they were asleep and at peace even as his arms went numb from the weight.

When Narfi and Vali passed, he couldn’t bear to sing his mother’s lluluby. Instead, he sang the lluluby from Angrboda’s village. It was still beautiful and he loved it when Angrboda was the one who sang it. His voice was beautiful and smooth like honey and the words came from his lips like the sound of a river. Elegant and calming.

He paused in the midst of his song. It felt wrong to sing it to himself. It was his children’s song and it was Angrboda’s. He had no right to sing it now. Not anymore.

“Why’d you stop?” Stark’s voice was soft.

Stark slowly made his way to where he lay, staring up at the starry sky. Without another word, he knelt and laid down besides him. His breathing was soft and relaxed as he glanced up too. The answer to the question didn’t seem urgent.

The distance between them was there as always. It had been him to put it there. Now he knew for certain that neither of them would cross that line. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to either.

“It was Angrboda’s. I used to sing it for my children.” He admitted. “It felt wrong to sing it now.”

“Oh, you had more than one?” Stark raised an eyebrow.

“I had six children in total.” His jaw dropped and he looked flabbergasted. It was as if six children was a shocking number. He admits, it’s a couple more than the usual number others have, but not as much as Stark seems to be making it.

“Okay hold up right there- _six_?” Stark stressed out the word.

Loki felt himself deflate. Swallowing hard, he turned away and cleared his throat softly. “No longer six. Four remain.”

It went quiet after that. The tense silence itched at him and he wanted it gone. The silence reminded him too much of bad things. Bad things that he associated with the silence and the bucket in the corner of that dreaded room. His memories were fuzzy, but he recognized the bad feeling when he got it.

Fortunately, he didn’t have to break the silence. Stark seemed more than willing to do it for him. Instead of asking like he thought he would, he changed the topic and treaded onto a lighter subject.

“What do the words mean?”

Ah. He pondered over the meaning of the words and smiled. The warmth was back in his chest as he recalled memories long passed. It was a literal song, but sweet in its own way. The ancient nature of the song held it’s own charm.

“The song goes…” He licked his lips and fiddled with his thumbs. Perhaps if he were to sing the song for another, it would be fine. It did not matter if Stark was not real, but perhaps he could pretend. Just as he has pretended for all of his life. What harm is one more white lie? He pondered this as he looked back to the twinkling stars of the sky.

Now that he thought about it, in the time that he was here, not once had the sky changed from the golden sunset to nightfall. Until now. He wondered what that meant. Perhaps it had no meaning and he was simply longing for a change in scenery. If so, the change had not been done consciously.

“It goes…?” Stark encouraged. He didn’t seem forceful, but patient instead. With slow and deep breaths, his body was relaxed by his side. There was no urgency in that moment. It provided the last reassurance Loki needed to go forth with his lullaby.

“Ash I know standing,” He began slowly. His voice was a bit rough, but Stark paid it no mind. “Named Yggdrasill, a lofty tree, laced with limpid water, thence comes dee, that in dales fell, standing ever green over Urd’s well.” He paused with the last word and cleared his throat once again. He turned to face the other man to find him staring back with an almost soft look. Unsure of what this new expression was, he shifted more comfortably on his side and spoke to pierce the silence with words. “There is more to it, but that is essentially the gist of the song.” He was whispering, but there was no one to hear to begin with. It was only him and Stark.

Stark shifted to his side as well. His brown eyes shifted slowly between his own eyes. His voice came out as a whisper as well. “What does it mean?” He asked again.

Strangely enough, Loki didn’t feel annoyed at having to explain something that he already knew. His quiet voice carried over the garden. “Yggdrasil is the tree that connects all of the nine realms. It’s strong and beautiful if you’ve ever seen it, and on top of the tree, stands Asgard in all her beauty. However, in the middle lays Midgard. Asgard may be at the very top, but Midgard is at it’s center and the strength of it all. But it must have sturdy roots so at it’s lower middle, is Niflheim, Jötunheim,” He grit out the name and quickly jumped to the last one. His mouth tasted sour right after. “And then the lowest one is… Hel.”

Where two of his children resigned. His heart squeezed painfully and he ached to see them again. He would’ve done anything to just hold them again. At least once.

“You mentioned five out of the nine realms you were talking about.” Stark softly interrupted him. It was a welcomed distraction.

“Ah, my apologies.” He muttered. “The other four are not at Yggdrasil’s base nor at it’s top. They are in the upper middle. Alfheim is the home of the elves of nature and fertility.”

“Where Skadi lives.”

Loki hummed and smiled. Ah his most beloved friend. He wondered what she was up to now. At the least, she was safe and he felt assured in that regard. “Yes. The next is Muspelheim, the land with rivers of fire and molten rock, where the sky is red and the floor is charcoal, and beasts of the flames fly overhead and live among the heat. Then there’s Vanaheim of which my mother came from. They are masters of sorcery and Seidr.”

Enough was said for them. Just the mere fact of talking about them and their association to his mother had his throat welling up in grief. He was lucky that Stark didn’t seem to be impatient and let him collect himself before moving on. There had been no judgement in his eyes.

“Then there’s Svartalfheim,” He winced at the sound of his croaky voice. Clearing it hastily, he heard a fond huff of laughter by his side and he relaxed. It was not to humiliate him, but a teasing one and it served to reassure him that everything was all right. Well, about as much as it could be. “The land of the dwarves.”

“So… Snow White and the seven dwarves?” Stark asked. “Little men with pick-axes and singing in caves?”

Loki bit his lip to stop from smiling, but the corner of his lips gave him away. “Contrary to what you may think, I know what Snow White is and no. They are horribly innacurate.”

“So not tiny little men?”

“No. They are giants and very powerful beings that can withstand the power of stars and create powerful weapons. It is where Thor’s hammer, Mjölnir, was born.”

Stark opened his mouth and then closed it again. His eyes focused on the ground between them. The words came from his mouth unbiddenly almost and had nothing to do with their previous conversation. “I think your children must’ve loved you a lot.”

He sucked in a harsh breath. That had been unexpected and sudden. “What do you mean by that?” Loki replied in a low voice.

“I just have a feeling.” Stark gave a shrug. “Figures that you would be a great parent if you learned firsthand what not to do.”

Loki pressed his lips together and averted his gaze. The pastel-blue flower caught his attention. Tentatively, he pulled it at it’s stem and held it close. “I hope I was. A good parent I mean.”

“You would be.” And it was the conviction in Stark’s voice that led him to believe that yeah, maybe he was. Certainly not perfect, but a good one.

“You will be too, Stark.”

“If I ever decide to have them.” He laughed quietly. “And call me by my name. It’s Anthony Edward Stark, but barely anyone says Edward and Howard coined Stark, so it’s not mine. And Anthony is a mouthful so Tony is fine.”

“Very well.” Loki bit his lip to stop from smiling. “Anthony.”

“Ugh no. Don’t.” His cheeks went just the slightest bit red at that. He looked embarrassed if the frown was anything to go by.

“Why shorten it? Anthony is just as fine.”

“Tony is better.”

“Fine.” He smiled this time, but it was only a quick upturn of his lips. “Tony.”

Tony’s lips parted and then he shut it with an audible sound. His pupils grew subtly and his eyes looked just a tad darker. “Yeah. Just Tony. Don’t wear it out.” His hoarse laughter drawled out and his fingers pulled at the collar of his loose fitted top. This time, it was Tony who cleared his throat. 

___________

He woke up with bright lights shining into his eyes. The groan slipped from his lips as he turned to the right to shield his sensitive eyes. There was a pounding headache and the bed beneath him creaked and the mattress was stiff and uncomfortable.

The garden was gone and so was Loki, but this was definitely not his bed or his room.

“Sorry, Tony.” It was Natasha who spoke and the lights were dimmed. She must’ve lowered the switch for him then. “We have you some medication that induced sleep. Your sleeping pattern was all sorts of messed up according to Thor so we let you rest up. Do you remember what happened?”

“I…” Ah it was exhaustion finally setting in. Guess going days without sleeping or properly eating would result in his body shutting down. It would explain why he was in the medical ward, but he couldn’t hear Thor or anyone else in general, which meant…

A few seconds passed and then it clicked for him. He was alone in the room with Natasha and he turned swiftly, ignoring how the throbbing in his head increased at his sudden movement. With his back pressed against the wall now, he opened his eyes slowly to look at her. Her chair was far from him and it looked deliberate that she didn’t sit next to the door. She didn’t seem to want to make him feel trapped by placing herself at the exit or cornered by sitting too close to him either.

His shoulders remained tense, but he felt his throat go sore and eyes burn a bit. She was still so aware of how to make him feel as comfortable as possible. He wanted to grab her hands and apologize or at least beg for things to go back the way they were. He wanted to say that they were still friends, but if she betrayed him once, who was to say that she wouldn’t do it again?

“God I wish I could hate you.” Tony hissed instead.

Natasha gave an imperceptible flinch, but it was there all the same. Her lips twitched, but she maintained composure. It was one of the things that Tony admired and felt intimidated by. He was never sure what she was thinking, but she was all the more stronger for it. “And you don’t?”

No. No he didn’t. Even after everything, he still cared a lot for her and can’t bring himself to detest her. He settled for the next truth instead of answering her question directly. “I’m angry at you.”

She nodded at his answer, face open with dismay. It made him even more furious that she would still show this side of herself with him even after everything hostile between them. It would be so much easier if she maintained that façade around him and it’d be so much easier to not feel conflicted about her.

Natasha kept her gaze over her clasped hands on her lap. “Good. I can deal with the anger. I know at least that… that I can still reach you. I wouldn’t be able to deal with the apathy. That you didn’t care anymore.”

His eyes watered and he rolled onto his back. His hands remained firm on his sides and he refused to let himself break in her presence. Slow and even breaths, he told himself. The ceiling was smooth and without fault. He looked for imperfections, but there were none.

Natasha sighed, but her voice sounded a bit coarse. It was wrong and he felt like he shouldn’t be listening. It would’ve been childish if he were to cover his ears though. “You don’t have to say anything. I just want you to listen… please.”

He stubbornly kept his eyes closed and mouth shut.

“I’m not going to apologize for what I did, Tony. Frankly because it would hypocritical and I still don’t think that what I did was completely wrong.”

The breath was knocked out from his lungs at the harshness of her words. The anger increased tenfold, but he just grit his teeth and shouldered it. It didn’t mean he couldn’t feel the sting with every word she said.

“I had nothing okay? Before this, before I became _someone_ , someone _good_ , an Avenger, I had so much blood in my ledger. I had no place in the world.” Her voice was shaky and he didn’t know what to make of it. “And then I found Clint. He helped me find myself and I could actually make a difference.” Her laugh was bitter. “And then I found you, Tony. I know we didn’t start off great, but I trusted you and then you trusted me. You were my family. You and Clint and Bruce.” She took a pause. “Steve is a part of it too, Tony.”

He noticed the past tense as she spoke to him and then the present tense as she talked about Steve. So it appeared as though Tony wasn’t in that little family anymore then. He had either been pushed out or worse, they believed that he had deliberately abandoned ship. If they believed the latter, then they were all idiots. He _wanted_ a family with them. For a moment, he did have it, but it quickly crashed and burned just like everything else in his life.

“I never intended to hurt you. Steve was protecting a tortured man and you were protecting everything we had built. Neither of you were in the wrong, but neither of you were in the right. It was tearing us apart. But what happened in Siberia was horrible. And I want you to know that it wasn’t just Steve who knew about your parents. I knew too and I didn’t say anything. And I am so sorry.”

“You-,” Tony pressed his lips together and blinked furiously. No, he wouldn’t give her the satisfaction. He could’ve handled anything else, but her? She knew? And this whole time he was angry over Steve when Natasha had done the exact same thing.

He sat up, ignoring the sharp pain behind his eyes and swaying to the side. He saw red and he tasted blood. There was a sharp sting on his lip from where he had bitten down. Before he could angrily lash out even more, he felt a hand with noticeable callouses, hold his palm with strength and a comfort that he didn’t want. That he _couldn’t_ want.

“You and the others are all I have. Tony, he’s my friend.”

“And I was your friend too!”

“Tell me then. Everything. What do you want to say?” She asked once his silence had gone on for too long.

“I don’t _want_ to say _anything_. I have tried to say things before.”

Her eyes were calculating and spoke words of their own. It was obvious that she didn’t believe him. How dare she want to know now when all she ever did was cast him aside and downplay everything he did or said. It was why they were the way they were. He wiped the blood from his lip and gripped at his bedsheets.

“No! You don’t get to act like the victim. All I did was worry and chase after you guys. I paid for your toys, I made stuff that I thought you would appreciate, I defended you all from the stupid shit you did! And all I ever got back from you guys was those stupid looks you gave me!”

Her face startled and she looked unsure of how to react. He didn’t let her find the words to speak because the words kept tumbling out on their own accord. It felt liberating and painful, like ripping out the stitches and feeling the sting of old wounds opening again. Not like a bandaid, because this was so much more intense than ripping off a bandaid.

“I wish I could forgive you for what happened, but I can’t! If you had just faced up to me everything that happened- If Rogers could’ve done the same and just told me from the beginning- then maybe things wouldn’t have fallen out of control!” His hand moved about and he was aware that his movements were erratic, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop when Natasha was looking at him with such a distant expression. “But we can’t go back. You both still kept it from me and I still tried to kill Barnes! So if you’re asking me to forget about things, then no. We can’t go back. We can’t because none of us can admit to what really happened that made us break apart even way before the accords!”

The finality of the statement echoed in the room. Silent now with the exception of his harsh breaths and Natasha’s shaky sigh. As he moved his hand away, feeling torn and hurt, she latched on even harder. Droplets fell onto his hand and he gave up. The emotional outburst had drained all of his energy. He slunk back against the wall and looked forward at the cold white expanse of the wall. He knew she would not appreciate being seen in such a vulnerable state.

Her voice was soft and yet just a bit hoarse. He wouldn’t have noticed it if he wasn’t already familiar with her- if he hadn’t already seen her genuinely smile or laugh without fear of judgement.

“Maybe I’ll never make up the things I’ve done. But there’s still time to mend this.” Of course she would think that. He hadn’t ever pegged her for the false hope kind of person, but then again, he hadn’t pegged her for the type to keep a secret from a friend just because it was easier for her. “And I am so sorry for hurting you. I won’t get on my knees and beg, but I am asking for a chance to make things right.”

He couldn’t. He couldn’t let her in again. He was afraid of what would happen if she would hurt him again and he had so easily welcomed her back. It would be too much. He was alone and so hurt, but he was still in one piece. If he let her in, he didn’t know if he could make it out again like this.

Hardening his heart and taking a deep breath, he slipped his hand out of hers easily.

His answer was clear with no words spoken.

A pin could be heard drop in the room. He waited for her reaction and listened to her breathing. Without another word, she stood up and walked out the door, wiping her face and kept her face up. There was nothing else said. She had her answer and she was not going to beg. She was too strong for that.

God, he wished he could’ve stayed in the garden with Loki for just a little longer.


	10. A Single Card

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things feel like they’re just going downhill. And he thought Natasha’s conversation went bad, he wasn’t expecting to get into an argument with Thor just because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut.
> 
> But that card that he was given... yeah maybe he should give it a call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it’s a slow and short chapter, but this one and the next is building up for chapter 12 when things start to pick up. It’s gonna be a whirlwind after that I’m hoping.

The car ride back home was a bit tense and quiet. He sat on one end of the car and Thor sat on the other. The only sound was that of the tires rolling against the cement and of the other cars driving by. The driver, same one as before considering they had been kidnapped and had no transportation back, played some random radio station. The song was about getting high and getting over the pain of losing someone.

Typical.

And Thor, oh he was possitively fuming. The clench in his jaw, the tightening of his fist and fingers curled around the seat and his eyes pointedly facing outside. He could see from the reflection the line between Thor’s eyebrows of his frown. But more than that, he looked worried and he knew the guy was blaming himself for his little spell.

“Listen Thor, you don’t have to be all worried.” He started. “I just lost track of time and I didn’t mean to go so long without sleeping.” Thor remained stiff, arms crossed and ignored him. It was as if he didn’t even hear him talking in the first place. “Thor, buddy. Okay, so maybe I was actively trying not to sleep, but I just blacked out. And look, I’m good as new! I just needed a few more hours of sleep.” Thor just grabbed a piece of crumbled up paper and toyed with it, before flicking the little ball at him with more force than necessary. It hit him on his cheek and it actually stung a bit.

Tony let out a frustrated sigh. “Thor.”

There was a loud huff. “This has been going on for way longer, Tony.” His expression was angry and disappointed, yet the concern was visible underneath it all. “You do this again and again, pushing yourself to the limits and putting yourself in harms way when there is no reason to!” Thor threw his hands up in the air and ran a hand down his face. “Should I have not been providing you with sustenance, would you have eaten at all?”

Probably not, but he knew that wasn’t the correct answer and would only serve to anger him more.

Tony felt embarrassed to be scolded and especially with someone from Shield in the driver’s seat just eavesdropping on them. It felt like when he was in the principal’s office and Howard would yell at him in front of everyone. Then again, Thor wasn’t yelling at him for being an idiot, he was scolding him because he was worried for his well-being. Still didn’t mean that it wasn’t embarrassing.

“Okay okay, you’re right. I should’ve been more careful, but I’m so close to finishing the last piece of the puzzle. Don’t you want to go save your lil bro from Jötunheim?” He asked. Sure it was a bit manipulative, but the truth was that this was the reason as to why he had been forgoing so many things. It was to help Loki. Help him get out of a place that sounded completely horrible. At least from what Loki in his dreams had said.

Thor’s lips pulled down at the corners. His expression contorted at the mention of Loki. It was a mixture of both grief and guilt, maybe even a hint of regret. “I do, but I will not trade lives. I love my brother, but I will not have you act so carelessly to get to him. I really appreciate it, I do, but I worry about you.”

Tony nodded, but pursed his lips. A guy of his size shouldn’t be able to pull off such a puppy look. It was unfair. Totally unfair. “I’ll be more careful then. But shouldn’t you be looking after your lady more than me? At this rate, I’m more of your girlfriend than she is.” He teased.

“I…” Thor licked his lips and averted his eyes. “We parted ways long ago.”

That wiped the smile off his face quickly. “Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“Of course you didn’t.” He snapped. The tension quickly came back doubled. “You never know what’s going on outside of your lab! Have you any idea of what is occurring?”

“Hey don’t get snippy with me.” Tony defended himself. “I’m sorry, but I’ve been trying to deal with the shit you and _your_ brother caused!”

“We may have been at fault, but do not forget that he is still _my_ family!”

Tony couldn’t help the scoff that came out of his mouth. “Yeah and look how well that’s going. You didn’t even try to help him and now he’s stuck as some prisoner or slave on some enemy planet because you didn’t care enough to help him out of it.”

Thor’s eyes narrowed dangerously and the words were a little more than a dangerous growl. “Careful where you step, Stark.”

Of course he didn’t really have any self-control and kept pressing. He was frustrated and tired and he was so confused as to how things managed to go south so quickly. “Why should I? You left an innocent man to be punished for shit that you did as well.”

Thor looked like he had been slapped.

“Yeah I fucking know about your little invasion on Jötunheim and you’re no better off than Loki! But you let him take the blame for stuff that you did too! He didn’t deserve the things you all did to him!”

“Enough! You know absolutely nothing of what he has been through and you do not get to be mad. Do you really think that I don’t love him?” Thor grit out venemously. “I just want my brother back, but I am allowed to be angry as well!” Thor shouted at him. His booming voice sent shivers down Tony’s spine. “I’m absolutely furious with him. That he couldn’t trust me and cast me aside as soon as he learned that we were not of the same blood. I am furious that he hurt my mother who left us with only Loki’s hurtful words! She did not deserve it.”

“Oh because you were such a good brother and didn’t shove him aside like he was some inconvenience. And you act like your mom didn’t know what would happen if Loki would find out.”

“Yes I admit, that things could have been handled differently, but she loved him equally if not more. And I was a horrible brother. I probably still am, but he knew I wouldn’t turn him away if he had simply _asked_ me for help.”

“He shouldn’t have _had_ to ask!” Tony grit out. “You’ve known him for more than a thousand years! You’re his brother, you grew up with him. How could you possibly not know him like the back of your hand?”

Briefly Thor glanced at his hand in confusion before realizing it was just an expression. He ran it through his hair.

“You must understand, I have done nothing but try to understand him. He’s always been out of my reach.”

Thor’s expression was exhausted and weary. His shoulders slumped down with an invisible weight. He made a discreet sniff and wiped his eye trying to play it off as something else.

“I would give my life for him, Tony. I cared for him when he fell ill, he slept in my bed when he had night terrors, I’d take the blame for some of his nastier pranks, I kept secrets and horrible ones at that, for him. I thought the world of him. I would do anything for him, but he can’t seem to grasp that through that thick skull of his.”

Tony sighed and leaned back against the seat. He couldn’t understand the relationship between siblings, but he knew that they were complex and complicated. They hated each other just as much as they loved one another. At least that’s how he thought sibling relationships worked.

Now that he’s listening to Thor speak, he realized that despite what most thought, it wasn’t just about Thor and it wasn’t just about Loki. They both affected one another and just as Thor isn’t completely in the wrong, Loki was not completely in the right either. They were both traumatized albeit in different ways.

Loki and everything shitty in his life that could rival Tony’s own list - probably wins actually- and Thor with his abandonment issues and lingering feelings of negligence because they can’t be described as anything less. It was understandable for the most part on Loki’s side, but it seems as though everyone seemed happy to gloss over what Thor was going through. Even he, himself, had glossed over it and ignored it.

Tony recognized it now. He could see the hint of betrayal in Thor’s eyes. He could see it as clear as day now that he knew what to look for and he could see the neglect too. From being cast aside and ignored, from the avengers and from Loki; from having everything and then suddenly losing it all and scrambling at the broken trail that his brother left behind and ultimately, the pain that Loki had and still continues to inflict with every small secret revealed.

It must truly hurt to know that your only brother has never trusted you to begin with and that even small, seemingly insignificant, things were kept a secret from you. It must hurt to know that whenever you claim and try to maintain that relationship from before, the other rips it apart, curses your very existence and rejects everything as though it had never happened. Thor must truly be grieving and worst of all, grieving alone.

“I get it. I get it Thor.” He admitted softly. “And you have every right to be angry.”

Oh but Thor’s expression was thunderous. Even with the glassy eyes and red nose, he was still brimming with subdued anger.

“Oh I am. I’m furious that with faced with the truth of his blood, he forwent everything that has happened between us as though they were not real- as though we never loved one another- I’m furious that he continues to reject me when I want nothing more than to be a family again. That he blames me for things I didn’t know and that he didn’t _think_ I could be approached- I’m angry that he told me my father was dead when I was lost and confused on Midgard just so that he could feel better because hurting people was the only way of coping he has-!”

The driver’s monotone voice cut his rant off. “We’re here.”

“Thor-.“

Thor just ripped open the car door and closed it with a slam that rocked the whole car. Tony latched onto the seat as it sent a wave of nausea through him. It had the door handle falling off with an audible clink as it hit the cement.

The driver finally poked his head out and looked at him. “You gonna be paying for that right?”

Tony just snapped at him and opened his own door. “Send me the bill.” He slammed his own door and followed Thor into the building.

____________

The shower after a long two hour nap- with Loki- was heavenly. The food he ordered, and ate by himself, was delicious if not comforting. To top it off, a few hours in the shop and a short phone call with both Pepper and Rhodey had his mind slipping into a more peaceful state of mind. He knew he should be probably apologize to Thor, but he was still a bit pissed.

Tomorrow then. Today was just too stressful. The talk with Natasha had been emotionally taxing and the fight with Thor had him feeling like shit. All he wanted, was to end the day with a cold glass of his finest scotch and some nonsensical movie playing in the background as he took some pills to doze off. It was a perfect plan. If only it hadn’t been interrupted by a certain someone.

Someone who was currently polishing his arrows on the sofa and eating the last bit of ice cream he had been saving all day. Of course he could’ve just ordered some more, but Friday had been annoyed with him for muting her for the sixth time in the past few days and unwilling to even deign him with an answer. So yeah. That ice cream was all he had.

Barton looked up with one corner of his mouth lifting up into a half-smile.

“No.” He deadpanned.

Barton just laughed at his expression. “Come on, Tony.”

“No.” Tony shook his head and the headache was quickly coming back. “Now’s not the time to braid each other’s hair and do our nails and talk about our secrets. Don’t know what the hell you’re doing in my home or how you even got in, but I’m not in the mood.”

Barton put down his arrow and wiped the traces of ice cream from his face. “First of all, Friday just let me in.”

That had Tony sending a sharp look at one of the cameras in the room knowing that Friday would see it. She must’ve known that he was in a bad mood and that having Barton around would make things worse.

“And second,” Barton threw up two fingers and wiggled them. “I get it. I really get it. It’s been a tough day for you, what with Nat…” he trailed off with a compassionate expression.

Tony ran a hand down his face. “She told you?” He groaned.

Barton wore a wry smile. “Nah, but going off by that, then it must’ve not gone very well.”

“No shit.” Today just kept getting better and better. “And I fucked things up with Thor too, so there’s that.”

“Dude.” Barton shook his head in exasperation. “Whatever, this isn’t what I wanted to talk about. I’m heading over on a mission over in Europe-,” The same one Rhodey had been mentioning? “-so I won’t get the chance to talk about this…”

“Bout what?” He tried to focus on the conversations even if he wanted to know more about the case in Europe and prod Barton for more information.

Barton leaned back in his seat. “Everything with Loki.”

Even the mere mention of his name had him tensing up. He wasn’t sure that talking about Loki when he was dreaming about the guy made him a liable source of information. Worst case scenario, he says something and then just pass it off as an assumption. Regardless, Barton was still talking and he was zoning out.

“I mean, I was the one who fixed him up and meddled in his thoughts almost as much as he did in mine- dude we were attached to the hip back then.” He waved his hand about. “Granted, it was like we were stitched together and every little move hurt like hell, but whatever. You get the point.”

He did get the point. The situation was more familiar than it should’ve been. His dreams, however, seemed much more pleasant and sweet. That is, if he ignored the arguments and mental breakdowns that come with every conversation apparently. God, his brain was a form of torture in its own self.

“Well there isn’t much.”

Barton just leaned forward. “Well then tell me all of it.”

There was almost a desperate tone in his voice. Like a man holding his breath and searching for air. It was just something about him that had him at a loss of where to begin. He wondered what exactly must’ve happened between Barton and Loki to warrant this kind of reaction. Nevertheless, he spoke.

He spoke of what happened on Asgard, his suspicions about Odin and all the mysteries surrounding Loki and what had happened before New York. He talked about Loki’s actual bloodline and how he had come to find out the truth. Then he moved onto Skadi and her telling of stories. It wasn’t a lot, but it had Barton relaxing and smiling softly at some of the stories mentioning Loki as a kid.

Barton took it all with a grain of salt. “But what do you think?” He asked.

“What?”

“All that is great and all, but what do you think?” He stressed out the word. “Apart from me, and excluding Thor, you are the next person to know anything remote about the god of mischief. I can see something in your eyes whenever you mention him and it makes me think that there’s something else you know about Loki that you’re not saying.”

Was he that obvious? There must’ve been a slip of the tongue, something that maybe came off as fond when he was an actual stranger. That level of familiarity should not be present, much less for someone like Loki.

Barton laughed. “Dude I’m joking. You look like you just ate a lemon.”

He breathed a sigh of relief. He didn’t want Barton starting to think that he had just lost his mind. There was no normal way of saying that since he had touched that bracelet of Skadi’s, he’s had dreams of Loki. And not anything sexual, but just dreams.

“I get it. Loki’s the God of Mischief and Lies, he still killed a whole bunch of innocent people, he threw you out of the window and mind fucked me and Selvig a shit ton. Can’t say why you would see him otherwise.”

“No.” He shook his head firmly. There was just so many things wrong with what Barton just said. “Because what I think…” He paused.

There was so much to say. So much complexities and so much to Loki than just this superficial villain. He could see himself in Loki, he could understand and hate him at the same time. He could feel all these conflicting and confusing emotions to _who_ the man was and he didn’t even really _know_ him. And yet it felt like he did. It felt like he knew so much about the man and the tangle of strings in his head and about so much more that Loki didn’t have to tell him.

“Loki is a complex individual just like the rest of us.” He spoke slowly, but his voice held conviction. “Maybe more like me and we all know how messed up I am.”

“You’re not messed up, Tony.” Barton sighed.

“No don’t even try to deny it. Everyone can see it. A boat load of daddy issues and self esteem problems.” He rubbed his eyes and felt his heart sink into his stomach. To be putting himself bare like this was hard for him as it was. “Just let me get my point across. I’ve gotten to think about him a lot. New York, Thor, and other shit like that… and I’ve come to realize that everything I see in him, I see in myself. Except he had no one. I had Pepper and I had Rhodey.”

His hand made waving motions at nothing in particular. “I didn’t take their help- god knows I should’ve…” He ran a hand down his face tiredly. He should’ve known that he would’ve gone off rant. Should’ve known that he couldn’t talk to anyone about this without sounding crazy.

He felt Barton grip his shoulder. “Hey man.” He took a seat on the sofa next to him. Barton’s eyebrows were furrowed into each other and his lips pulled down softly. His eyes were soft and comforting. “Is everything alright? I didn’t know Loki was a sore subject for you. I mean I get it, I totally do.”

Barton leaned back with a reassuring look to replace the other expression. “God I hated him. I still get angry at him for the crap he pulled, but you gotta know that it wasn’t all him. Yeah he still killed Coulson and all those other people,” It looked like it pained him to say it. “But it wasn’t _entirely_ him. Just like how you guys didn’t blame me for the stuff I pulled, he’s not exactly at fault either.”

Suddenly, he was furious. He brushed off Barton’s hand with more force than necessary and stood up. He wasn’t sure why he was suddenly angry, but he was and of course it had to be Barton to push his button. A button that he wasn’t really aware was there in the first place. He was absolutely fed up with people assuming what he felt or did not feel.

“I’m not angry.” He interrupted him sharply.

“Um. What?”

“I’m not angry at Loki for throwing me out the window. I’m not mad that he killed Coulson or all those innocent people. I’m not mad.” The laugh that left his mouth was bitter and dry. “Does that bother you? That I’m just as heartless and selfish as everyone says?”

Barton’s face had lost a bit of its color and he wore a sour expression. He stared, not saying a single word and yet saying more than he ever could with just a stare. Barton was both hurt and angry. Great, another person added to today’s list. However he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“I don’t know if Loki feels bad. If he even regrets any of the stuff he did, but I can see him for what he is. No one just starts off a bad guy! He’s that little boy who did everything he could only to get neglected and tossed to the side because he wasn’t good enough. He’s that same kid who yanked on the door knob just to see if it would open and the same kid who, no matter what anybody said, wasn’t good enough to be loved by anyone.”

The heaviness hung in the air between them. It was horribly clear that he wasn’t just talking about Loki. But who cares. Let him see. Let him see what he and Nat and most of all, what Steve did to him. What Howard did. How all of that has changed him.

He was all alone. He didn’t feel safe in his own home, he had nightmares because of them and so much more. He had nightmares of Obidiah for fuck’s sake. Wounds that had been sutured closed had been ripped apart and the scar was open and throbbing with pain.

The anger was gone. The burning and boiling anger that simmered underneath his skin had gone out. He hated having so much anger. It left a sour taste in his mouth and left him feeling so, so tired. Grudges weren’t his thing. It just wasn’t. But it was what he was holding onto and now just a cold and numbing feeling of hopelessness and vulnerability remained in it’s place.

“How can we be such hypocrites?” He told himself more than told Barton. “We’re no better than him and I’m sick of people acting like we are! We killed, we lie everyday, but we can do so much good too. We _have_ been doing good. We’re guided by our wants and needs, we’re animals. The only thing that separates us is that we can think about it before doing it. But he’s like us in that way and-.”

Tony stopped and took a breath.

“I’m not afraid of gods and aliens, I’m afraid of what I can’t do when that Thanos guy comes rolling in with guns blazing. We needed a shield and all of you said I was crazy and then Ultron happened. But was a little bit of freedom so much more worth our safety? Not to mention that two thirds of the planet doesn’t even have it in the first place! A bunch of bullshit if you ask me.”

The bowl on the coffee table was thrown off and the loud sound of porcelain breaking jarred him from his rant. He had stood up in the middle of it and paced back and forth angrily. The anger had unwillingly manifested itself once again and found its target.

Barton huffed and tongued his cheek. “Well I was starting to wonder when you were gonna explode.”

Tony reeled back in confusion. “What?” He asked not so elegantly.

“You’ve had a shitty day and you’ve been holding it all in. If you didn’t break by now, I would’ve been worried.” He rolled his eyes as if that much was obvious.

Tony had paused his pacing, staring at him with mouth slightly dropped and he knew he must’ve had a pretty pathetic expression. “Jeez, Barton. I really didn’t mean it.”

“No I get it. It’s healthy to get it out. That’s among the few good things my shrink told me.”

Barton stood up and brushed off his lap.

“I’m not gonna pretend that I know exactly what you’re feeling, but there’s no shame in admitting that you need help.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a little card. It had the number for someone by the name of S. Selene Iwaldidottir and a list of contact information underneath. “I’ll go first. I need help. Now you.” His face was teasing, but Tony didn’t take any offense to it.

He plucked the card out from his fingers and rolled his eyes. Tony pushed Barton’s too close face away. “Fuck you.”

“I’m being serious.” His face grew soft and empathetic. A quick one-eighty from just a few seconds ago. “This lady is the real deal. I didn’t trust her for the first few times, but I don’t know. After awhile, it just felt like she knew what I was talking about. And it wasn’t just a patient and a therapist, we talk like friends and-… whatever just think about it.”

Tony eyed the card skeptically. “And she knows everything?”

“Don’t worry, she’s not from Shield or anything. She helped out my wife when she had postpartum and then I decided to give it a go. Shield _did_ have her sign a confidentiality contract which is bullshit considering that she already signs one when she became a therapist, but whatever.” He shrugged nonchalantly. “And yeah, she knows everything. She’s the only person who knows everything that happened with Loki and basically everything else about me. She’s a friend really. Try it, she won’t disappoint.”

Tony raised an eyebrow. Barton sighed. “Not in that way. She’s gorgeous, but I don’t know. She gives off a weird vibe. Kinda reminds me of Skadi if I’m being honest.”

“In what way?”

Barton just shrugged. “You’ll know when you see her. Can’t explain it until you try it.”

“Barton?”

“Hm?”

“Thanks.”

Barton clapped a strong hand on his shoulder and bore a brilliant smile. A smile that had his guilt from exploding on him dissipating just a tad bit. “Anytime.”

  
__________

Later when the door to Thor’s floor opened, he didn’t need a lot to know that Thor was still angry at him. The shattered glass, from one of Tony’s expensive Brandy, lay on the ground next to the elevator door and the splattered drink clung to the wall only mere inches away from his head.

“The brandy, really?” He asked the figure on the sofa. Thor’s limbs lay sprawled and he could only see his leg flung over.

“Out.”

“Easy, big guy. I’m here to make peace.” As he neared the sofa, he could see just how badly Thor had taken his words. He whistled low to himself.

Thor’s hair was a mess as if he had repeatedly ran his hands through it and his clothing was stained with alcohol if the stench was any indicator. There was also the fact that his eyes were a bit puffy and nose a bright pink that made him think that Thor had probably been crying for awhile while he had been having a spa day up on his floor.

“What are you watching?” He asked instead. It wouldn’t be smart to draw attention to Thor’s appearance.

The television played some informercial about swifter jets and mops before switching over to a jewelry channel. It was boring and uninteresting. Did anyone really buy anything from those channels? The diamond necklace sold easily and then a beautiful pearl bracelet came up.

How ironic.

Thor cleared his throat. “Loki would’ve loved that.” He muttered. “He was always fond of the simple designs even if it didn’t seem so. He loved looking for the deeper meanings and giving significance to the color of those pearls. I knew he had given out a few, but I didn’t know that it hadn’t been just… us that possessed the bracelets. I was a fool.”

“No you’re not.” Tony scolded. “I was being an asshole and you really didn’t deserve anything I said. It wasn’t my place and you’re right. I don’t know Loki at all to be making all these crazy assumptions.”

Thor made a so-so gesture. “You were fairly close and right in many things.” Thor consceded. “But if it helps, you are forgiven.”

It didn’t. It still felt like there was a strain in their relationship, but he wasn’t sure where it was. Maybe he could fix it. However, if he didn’t know where he had strained it, then what really was there to fix?

He sighed and rubbed his throbbing head. All these emotional outbursts and everything else was wearing him down. It was too much for one day. He wasn’t an emotional kind of guy, he just wasn’t, but today seemed to be proving him all sorts of wrong.

Tony plopped down on the sofa and nudged Thor’s head over his lap. He played and twisted the strands of hair.

“What are you doing?”

“We’re talking about our feelings and braiding each other’s hair, what does it look like?”

Thor didn’t say anything for a few seconds and then his shoulders started shaking and his laugh was small, but very much welcome. “You truly are something else, my friend.”

“I try. Now stop moving, you’re messing up the braid.”

He stayed quiet for a few seconds before a sly smirk found it’s way onto his face. “You know that means you’re proposing to me?”

Tony shoved him off the couch. “What?!”

“I’m joking!” He said between fits of laughter.

As the night progressed, it felt like things were a bit back together. Both drunk and stupid, Tony had hair sticking up in knots and Thor’s long strands were looking worse for wear. He might have suggested it, but he never said he was good at it. Frankly, it looked easy enough! How hard could it possibly be?

He was proven very much wrong.

Thor on the other hand said he had a family member who asked for his help in braiding her hair and therefore had experience. Which was great and all, but Tony’s hair was too short to braid properly. It left him looking like a rag doll.

Whatever. Things weren’t perfect, but at least they had each other and things weren’t spiraling out of control. Tony promised to keep his recklessness to a minimum, whatever that means, and Thor promised to not break anymore things when he got angry. All in all, it was a good night.

As the night progressed and Thor’s eyes got heavier, he grabbed a quick cup of water and took another sleeping tablet. It was the only way he would’ve gotten some sleep. He took maybe one more than he should’ve, but he hadn’t expected it to kick in as quick as it had.

He blinked and then it was cold. Cold gray walls in the bunker, a smear of red along the ground, and snow piling up outside. The snow howled and moaned in pain just like the broken figure laying in a heap. The arc reactor unlit and the star spangled shield lying by his side.

Siberia.

Couldn’t he just have one fucking break?

The sound of snow crunching alerted him to Loki’s presence. It was a soft sound. Almost tentative. He realized then that he was sitting on the cold ground, although as a testament to the fact that all of this was only a memory, the ground wasn’t as cold as he remembered and the snow was actually warm and felt like nothing between his fingers.

Loki kneeled down and was the picture of elegance. “What happened?” His voice was jarring enough to stop the impending panick attack. It was only a memory. He wasn’t on the floor bleeding out anymore and Loki hadn’t been there at all. Tony was sure he would’ve remembered if Loki was there. “Tony.” His name sounded so smooth coming from Loki.

“What does it look like?” His own voice sounded monotone to his own ears. It took awhile before the realization had set in that that was his voice. It was so cold and biting. “I lost.”

Loki didn’t say anything, but Tony was aware of his questioning gaze on the side of his face. The only sound was that of this memory’s Tony who grunted with pain as he rolled to his knees. With a gasp of pain, Tony tried to stand up, but the weight of the suit had been too heavy and his wound had hurt too much; he fell again in a heap.

“I don’t _know_ what to think.” Loki finally murmured. “This world, these memories cause you pain. I can feel it, but if I give it too much thought, if I believe what I see to be real, I will truly go mad.”

Tony huffed. Of course they were back to that mind boggling problem of theirs. Both so stubborn in their stance that they were real, and the other was only a figment of their imagination. He didn’t really have it in him to be angry really. It was Loki after all.

“I get it.” No he didn’t. Not completely at least.

“Please give me some peace of mind. Something to hope.” Loki muttered aloud. His head tilted up and his eyes flitted up at the sky. He looked to be talking to himself. However there was no one else, but Tony, himself. “The Avengers must remain a strong and united front. If there is any hope at all to stand up to Thanos, it could lay within Midgard. Please tell me that, not for some petty reason, things have broken apart?”

He winced at his words. Petty was not the correct word. Far from it in fact. There was a semblance of guilt and regret, but no. It was not for some petty reason. It was for a genuine reason. He had a _right_ to be angry and react as he had. This was the one thing he wasn’t willing to keel over and show his belly. His parents are _dead_ and no one trusted him with the truth.

“I…” Where could he even begin? Did he start at the beginning when everyone started treating him like he was some scab to pick at, or how about when they only seemed to tolerate his presence when they needed something? Then there was the fact that they seemed so willing to sacrifice lives. Sure he understood, one life is not worth hundreds, and they had sure abided by it when it was _his_ life on the line, but when it was Bucky’s or anyone else’s? Suddenly they didn’t _trade_ lives. It was _immoral_.

They both watched as the wounded figment gasped for air and let out a pathetic sob before muffling it with his hand. He reached out to the helmet just inches away. With some awkward fumbling, he managed to pull it towards him and speak shakily into it.

“Friday, call Rhodey-.” There was a moment of realization for him as he realized that his friend was still wounded, paralyzed, and in the hospital. “Get me, Ross.” He said instead. The helmet flickered and then turned off completely. The arc reactor was broken and now, the suit that had been keeping him warm, had shut down completely. It was just him and the frost bitten cold of Siberia. Friday’s voice was almost frantic and concerned and he could barely hear it over the wild winds of snow.

“What happened to you, Tony?” Loki whispered.

Tony felt himself shrug. “I got the shorter end of the stick in life apparently.”

It was difficult to look at himself from this perspective. It was… dreadful. His stomach squeezed and lurched as he was forced to live through this again. He hated thinking about this, couldn’t even hear the word Siberia without having short of a mental breakdown. Now to see it again? It was torture. Pain, he could take. He could rationalize it, but this sort of pain was something else entirely.

He had nightmares about the ten rings, but it was Obidiah’s betrayal that kept him up at night and unable to sleep in his own bed comfortably.

He had been scared of dying back in New York, but it had been that voice in his head in the abyss that had promised what he had seen and so much more that terrified him. It had been Thanos, he realized it now.

And now this. It wasn’t the pain of the wound, not even the throbbing of blood loss throughout his body, that stung. It had been the knowledge that he had lost _everything_ in just those few days. All over some stupid Accords.

God he wanted to throw up.

“Things had been tense for awhile.” He began. “Me and Rogers had conflicting ideas. We butted heads a lot, but we were friends. Close. Well at least I’d like to think that, but now? I’m just not so sure anymore.”

Loki hummed, but didn’t say anything. His face drew down to his hands placed carefully in his lap. Hair, normally immaculate, was strewn about and fell into his face. It was a welcome distraction. It all felt so surreal too. To be here and talking with Loki and going over one of the, many, horrible moments in his life was almost hilarious to him.

“The people weren’t happy. Sure we saved lives countless of times, but we sure as hell killed a lot too on the way.” He breathed hard through his nose. “I know we couldn’t save everyone, but we could’ve tried harder.” Tony shook his head. “Whatever. We were given an offer. Only to interfere when the government gave us the go ahead, or to be out of the Avengers. They didn’t like a whole bunch of dangerous individuals like us running around without a leash. We could take responsibility for the lives we inadvertently took. I agreed. So I signed.”

Tony let out a depreciating laugh. Look where wanting to do the right thing got him. He was left with even more issues than he could count and a penance for pushing people away. Then again, that last one wasn’t really all that new to begin with. But it had definitely grown stronger.

“A few others signed too. Others, though, didn’t like the idea so much. They thought it was a restriction on our freedom. It took away our right to help out when we thought we could and not unnecessarily put people at risk because the big guys thought it wasn’t important enough.”

He had to give it to them on that one. It was a valid point, but he had made his choice. What point was it if they couldn’t take responsibility for all the other lives they took along the way?

“Some shit went down with Cap’s old friend, some murders and then turns out he was innocent and brainwashed and then I find out- just when I’m rolling over for Cap just like I always did because I thought we were friends and he’d have my back- that my mom- that both of them were murdered by the guy I was tryna help and Rogers knew about it the whole time!”

“You tried to kill him.” Loki stated. His voice was oddly strained.

“Yeah. I tried to kill him. And I didn’t care who was in the way.” He admitted. “I was angry and that doesn’t excuse anything, but give me a fucking break! I just found out that my parents were murdered and the assassin was in the same room with me and that my friend didn’t say a single word!”

There was a helicopter in the distance. The noise was silent and grew louder as it drew near. The figure had remained motionless for awhile now. He had been shivering and coiled up to try and keep warm to no avail. A few minutes later, he had gone still. Eyes dull and unseeing, his breath came out in white puffs. The contrast between the red of his suit and that of his blood was a morbid one.

“What happened next?”

“We fought and he won. He left me here to die.” He spat. “Granted, he didn’t think I would, but if I hadn’t reached the helmet in time, I would’ve. Hypothermia. My body was an iceblock when they brought me in.”

“And now?”

“Well we broke apart. Natasha betrayed me, she knew too apparently, but I didn’t know until today, she went on the run with Cap and his friend, then they came back. We mended things, but not really. I can barely stand to look at them and I want to forget, but every time I’m in the room, I just remember… this. All of it. Everytime.”

Loki met his gaze. His expression was neutral, but his eyes were vibrant and compassionate. It spoke volumes and it didn’t feel at all like pity. That was the face of a man who knew and had experienced something similar. Maybe he was desperate, but he appreciated it.

“You don’t have to forget.” Loki whispered.

A few soldiers ran in. It was almost slow and blurry now as his memory began slipping away. They phased through Loki and then another one ran through him. It was like a gust of wind and he gasped softly. They had shimmered with green light and they slowly faded out as they crouched over the other Tony. Their voices were muffled and they shouted into their coms for a medic.

“No, I won’t. But I’ll have to forgive eventually.”

Loki clicked his tongue, but not really in annoyance at him. “But not soon.”

“Yeah. Definitely not soon.”


	11. He Who Wears Their Skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just when he was just about done with his suit and ready to get on to Jötunheim, of course things wouldn’t go as planned. With a new title and some minor complications, Tony is anxious to get this show on the road, even if it is with an unexpected person in tow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note to reader: This chapter does have body dysphoria so if you’re uncomfortable with reading that, it’ll be right when the story shifts over to Loki.
> 
> I’m not pretending I understand, but someone close to me has gone through the whole process of transitioning and the struggles of being in the wrong body. It’s opened my eyes to the struggles and reality of it and with their insight and guidance, I wanted to add this sort of dark reality into a character like Loki. He won’t be completely okay with who he is and what that entails and I understand that this is much bigger and deeper than we could all collectively know. Thank you for reading.

Well shit. This was definitely not in his list of ‘things he wanted to be doing at 11 in the morning’ and it definitely wasn’t something he expected. But there he was, standing with a file of papers in his hands that read ‘Notice of Ambassador eligibility and requirements’ and completely taken aback.

There was also the little itty bitty issue thay both Natasha and Rogers watching him with expecting expressions. Both of them. In his home. Without _his_ expressed permission.

He had been so stunned to see them, actually thought he was hallucinating or it was still the same nightmare of that same night, but no.

After waking up on the sofa with Thor nowhere to be found and a heavy blanket thrown over him, he found himself thirsty and aching all over. Half from sleeping on the sofa and the other half from all the alcohol so naturally he left for his own bed on his own floor. Trying to out drink a God was bound to leave him with a monster of hangovers. That’s when he found them here and he still hadn’t said anything to them.

The silence seemed to have gone on too long and he watched as Natasha softly played with the edge of the file, turned it around and eventually slid it across the counter with an air of discomfort. “Thor let us in.”

That made sense then.

He glanced down at the file, not daring to open it, and then up to the two figures in his kitchen. There were two plates of food on the counter and Rogers was standing behind it, drying his hands nervously as if he still lived here. But on one hand, he sorta still did since he never outright kicked them out.

Yeah. Definitely not what he expected to wake up to.

“Ah, Tony.” Thor finally made his presence known as he walked in, fixing the armor on his breastplate and brushing his shoulder of any invisible dust. It was more like he was fiddling with it. He seemed just as aware of the tense air as Tony was. Still, it was his fault for letting them in. “I was going to wake you, but it seems as though you have met our guests earlier than I had expected.”

Irritation flared up, but he had just mended things a bit with Thor to start up something again. However, why hadn’t he been notified? The two who were comfortably sitting in his kitchen were definitely on the list of people he had to be notified of. “Friday?”

“Yes, Boss.” Her tone was cold and clipped.

“Why wasn’t I notified earlier?”

“Oh, considering that you had ignored all previous notification and-or suggestions, I made the decision of muting myself before you desired to do it yourself.”

Tony winced behind his straight face. Still mad then.

“You let your AI talk to you like that?” Natasha asked.

“I programmed her like that.”

He didn’t, but he couldn’t tell her that. If anyone knew that everything to this point had resulted in Friday rewriting her own code, advancing it and processing things that he hadn’t programmed for her, then there was no telling that Friday would remain. He had already lost Jarvis and Jarvis had been well on his way here, in terms of sentience, before becoming some mixed base for Vision.

Natasha’s eyes were sharp, but he prided himself in his ability to flip through the pages of the file without wavering after finally opening it. Quickly, he found his already thin patience snapping. The contents of the file was utter bullshit.

Thor was already eating whatever breakfast Roger’s had prepared when he looked up at Tony throwing the papers on the counter. “No, I didn’t agree to this.”

Rogers shook his head with an apologetic look. “You already did.”

“I said I was a consultant, I was only a temporary solution. I’m not their fucking lapdog now.”

Thor wiped his mouth with a napkin and raised an eyebrow. “What does it say?”

“It says,” He spat. “That I have been accepted as the UN’s first diplomatic ambassador to represent all of the nations. In other words: Earth.” God even saying it aloud sounded ridiculous. 

“Is that not a good thing?”

“No!” Sure they did a lot of good, but it wasn’t a fun job. By forcing him into this position, he had to lose everything else he had worked for. Diplomacy is all about peace, trade deals, and working for the better of the world. However, he saw through this facade real quickly.

Iron man was by no means a suit of peace. If he accepted, he would either have to give it up to the government to uphold a certain reputation, or let the government tie even more ropes around his neck. There was no way he was letting his suits fall into their hands. Be it as it may, not all of those peace lovers truly intended for peace, but for the money that would pour in from capitalism.

Tony scoffed aloud. “I already do a lot that ambassador’s do anyways. I offer aid in Climate change, fund many eco-green non-profits, I have extended Stark Industries in many branches of science, medicine, and clean energy. Prosthetics and disease control too! I’ve sent arms out to human rights groups and I have been involved in so many military and trade discussions!”

He maintained his arms firmly at his side despite his urge to do something with his hands. The last thing he wanted was to show just how much the papers and, most importantly, how Rogers and Natasha were affecting him.

“I don’t _need_ that title.”

“Well regardless if you want it or not, you have the title _now_.” Rogers said. “I know it’s not ideal, but this is how things have panned out.”

Natasha toyed with the napkin. She creased it, unfolded it and tried to smooth it out again. It was a little nervous tick.

“You’ll have to file a request to resign, but that’ll take some time. For now, you are the only one who is qualified to deal with diplomacy in other worlds because you are the only one who has gone.”

She lifted her chin up subtly, daring him to argue against her next words.

“That also means that as an ambassador, you need a high commissioner. Considering there is no one else who has come into regular contact with people of other worlds and the only ones who are slightly qualified to fill that position are unable to, are missing, or is unable to prove mental stability as of late, the people you can assign is slim.”

Regular contact with people of other worlds.

The only regular contact he, or anyone else had, was with Thor. He realized now that she was talking about Fury, Bruce, and then Barton in that exact order. Thor didn’t count because he was Asgardian, so naturally that left two choices. Natasha or Rogers. Shit.

“What about Agent Hill?”

Rogers shook his head. “She refused.”

Damn. But was there truly no one else?

“How far along were you?” Natasha asked. “When were you planning on leaving. To Jötunheim?”

He sent a quick glance to Thor and he just quirked an eyebrow in response. His eyes just said, ‘your move’. They had briefly talked about it the night before, but this was a hiccup that he wasn’t expecting. Adding another person into the mix was plausible- it wasn’t hard-, but he couldn’t leave as soon as he- and Thor- had hoped. As in right now.

“I’m done with the suit.” Tony said in response.

Rogers’ eyes twitched a little in thought. “You were planning on leaving soon. Without letting us or anyone higher up know.” But it was more like a comment than a question. And then he casted a look over at Thor, but the guy just had a blank and stern look, one that felt unfamiliar on his usually expressive face. “How soon?”

“This morning.” Tony watched with a bit of glee as his answer seemed to catch the both of them off guard. He could see that they had been expecting more time. Truthfully though, he would have gotten this far even sooner if he hadn’t been so busy with the diplomatic meeting infront of the press, that whole thing with the League of Nations, and then crashing and burning yesterday at Shield that had resulted in multiple confrontations with Natasha, Thor, and even Barton.

Jesus, he was a wreck wasn’t he?

Regardless, he was petty, and he wanted to rub it in a little more.

“Frankly, Thor and I were supposed to start getting ready and leave to Jötunheim bout five minutes ago, but here we are.”

“Yes.” Natasha spoke cooly. “Here we are.”

Thor cleared his throat. His plate was empty. “So what does this mean?” He motioned between them. “I’m afraid I’m not familiar with why you need to appoint someone, Tony, and what that means for my brother.”

Natasha and Tony didn’t look away from one another. The tension was noticeable in the room and he didn’t look at Thor as he spoke. “It means that I’m picking one of these two to come with us to Jötunheim under the guise of my… _high commissioner_.” He turned his head away from her, almost dismissing, but still didn’t meet Thor’s eyes. “As for Lokes- it’ll just mean we have to push it off for a while longer.”

“ _Lokes_.” Thor slowly repeated.

Tony felt his heart jump in his throat. Shit. He slipped up. That wasn’t supposed to come up.

”Just a nickname.” He blurted out, but he was aware of how awkward it sounded.

Rogers sighed and pushed the plate at him and the porcelain was loud enough that it gave him an out. Still, it wasn’t exactly a comforting one.

He wasn’t sure exactly how to feel about this weird sense of familiarity that came with knowing that Rogers always cooked when he was stressed. “Tony, you don’t have to make a decision now-.”

“Natasha.” He said, desperate to change to topic and divert the attention from his too familiar nickname for a man he, by all means, shouldn’t know well enough to fondly nickname. He could still feel Thor’s peircing eyes locked on him though and that made a bead of sweat roll down the back of his neck.

Rogers paused. “What?”

He spoke tersely. “I’m appointing her.”

Frankly, because he tolerated her way more than Rogers. She hadn’t left him for dead after all. Abandonded him, yes, but not to die.

Thor said nothing.

He turned to look at her and despite her neutral face, he knew better than to believe it. Her eyes had gotten just the smallest bit wider and her jaw had unclenched. There was also the subtle twitch of confusion in her eyebrows that he had thought endearing. Once. “Come by tonight half an hour before seven. I’ll have a suit prepared for you by then.”

It’d be easy. Now that he knew how to protect against such harsh conditions, it shouldn’t take long to replicate it. Not on a suit like his, but something she’d be more comfortable in.

Natasha frowned. “Tony, we should talk about-.”

“I made my choice. Now I have things to do.”

“I made food. You should eat. Especially after yesterday.” Rogers urged.

The plate of food itself looked delicious and he recognized it. Orange juice with mint, creamed ham and mushrooms, and something Rogers called waffles de lux. There was also a warm cup of coffee next to it.

It was one of the first dishes Rogers’ mother, Sarah had taught him and he hated that he knew him well enough to know how much that dish meant to him. It was a small form of an apology. An attempt at bridging that distance between them.

“I’m not hungry.” He said instead.

Rogers let his expression drop before he gave a strained smile. “Okay.”

He felt Thor’s state bare into the side of his face. He didn’t even have to look at him to see the dissapointment. He knew he meant well, but Thor just didn’t understand how he was feeling. He wasn’t the one betrayed.

“But,” Tony sighed. He leaned over Thor and grabbed the coffee. “I _will_ take this.” He muttered and tried to ignore the soft smile he was given by the both of them. It irked him.

And, God, he was so tired. With everything. He didn’t have it in him to scowl at them or to snap at Rogers to stop pretending things could go back to the way things were. They couldn’t. Bruce was stil missing, Loki was his main priority for the time being, and they weren’t friends anymore. Things would never be the same.

He wasn’t sure if they stuck around for much longer after he retreated back to his lab. He was going to Jötunheim with Natasha. Great. As if things couldn’t get more awkward. Their argument was still fresh in his mind and he was sure it was for her as well

At least he wouldn’t be completely alone. Thor would be there, but he wasn’t sure if his presence would be able to keep the peace between them. Sure they’d all act professional and shit, but it’d be tense and uncomfortable. He just hoped that it’d be quick. Just hop in, talk to the Jötnar, grab Loki-.

It just hit him. He was going to see Loki.

Not a figment of his imagination, but the real thing.

It wasn’t exactly excitement, but it was more like nerves. He was anxious to see him.

Would he look like how he expected him to? Of course it’d be kinda dumb to expect that Loki would look like his dream Loki. He was a prisoner and he couldn’t imagine they’d be exactly treating him like royalty.

No, most likely, they’d be beating him around, or if they’re really nice, they’d just keep him in a cell and treat him like Earth treats their prisoners. Still, he was feeling rather eager to break him out of that place. And if he was being honest, he wasn’t sure if he could separate his dream Loki from the real deal.

His mind already knew too much and to just forget about it and pretend he hadn’t thought over every one of their conversations? That would be difficult. He was already calling him names, fond ones too, infront of Thor, what would he do when he was standing infront of Loki?

How would he talk to him?

He had already been talking comfortably with him, had already developed a tenuous friendship with him and to start over and pretend that he didn’t know the guy sounds, frankly, impossible. And actually, yeah. That’s exactly how it had to go. Or at least how he had to make it go unless he wanted them to stuff him into a white jacket and toss him in an asylum.

But honestly! He had seen Loki throw a fit, talk about his wife, talk about his boyfriend, sing a lullaby that he used to sing for his children, and then mentioned how only four of the six remain now. He knows what Loki’s face looks like when he’s passionate or remembering something happy. He also happens to know how his face contorts when he’s angry and in pain, on the verge of crying, but stubborn and unwilling to break down.

And he didn’t _want_ to forget it. Such genuine and expressive people, were hard to find, especially those that had something worth saying, something intriguing and intelligent to add to a conversation. He doesn’t remember having such well-drawn out conversations in such a long time without letting it die out so quickly.

Shit. What was his life?

Sure that could all be fake, just another aspect of his delusional mind probably creating an impossible scenario to fight off the impeding loneliness and emptiness he was feeling, but he’s unwilling to let it die. He felt connected to the guy. In one way or another, he and Loki had something. He didn’t care what he had to do, but he was going to be Loki’s friend, his right hand man, his go-to guy, and relearn everything about him even if it was the last thing he did.

He wasn’t sure _why_ he was so interested in the guy when just a few days ago, he wasn’t feeling this pumped up about it. Maybe it was because the realization had finally sunken in. Whatever. Didn’t matter.

All that mattered right now, was getting a temporary suit for Natasha and finishing it up. Boom done. Easier said than done.

“Friday, pull up the suit’s thermal systems.”

“Sure.” Was her short clipped reply.

He sighed. This was going to be tedious.

Design after design, he spent hours just going over it, before realizing he had slipped into old habits. He was trying to please Natasha. He was trying to give her something that made him seem irreplaceable. Frankly, this shouldn’t have taken so long, but he kept catching himself when he kept on adding to it and redesigning it, only to stop himself and scrap it to start over.

This was for himself. Sure it was generally for Natasha so that she wouldn’t freeze, but he had to do this for himself. He had to stop taking in every little thing and adding unnecessary details to win her favor when he had told her just the day before that he essentially didn’t want it. Not anymore.

Giving her something like what he had thrown out multiple times would be contradictory to what he had told her. He didn’t want her dead, but he didn’t want her friendship _again_. She understood it, then why was he the only one who didn’t seem to get it?

It was a little after five that Pepper called. He had briefly panicked initially, before remembering that it was fine. _They_ were fine.

“Hello, Miss Potts.” His voice was teasing and calm and didn’t betray what he was feeling just seconds earlier. “Been expecting your call for awhile now.”

She didn’t even bother with a hello before she was talking with exasperation. “Ambassador of the United Nations, are you serious Tony?”

“Hey, to be fair, it wasn’t my idea.” He spoke through soft laughter. “But you can get me out of it, right?”

“You know I can’t do it in one day.”

“No, but if anyone can do it as quick as possible, it’s you.”

“You flatter me, but you’re right.” She sounded pleased. “I’m sure that you wouldn’t be able to do half the things I do if I wasn’t here.”

“I know I wouldn’t and I don’t nearly pay you enough.”

Pepper laughed. “There is no amount, Tony, that could make up for what I have to deal with.”

“You love it.” He replied with a smile. His hands toyed with the last codes on the screen.

“It certainly is entertaining.” She consceded. “You’re leaving today aren’t you?” He hummed. “Do you know when you’ll be back?”

“If it’s anything like Asgardian time, which I’m sixty percent sure about, then at the most, one week.”

“And you’re taking Natasha.”

Tony sighed and leaned back in his chair. “Yeah. Yeah I am.” He didn’t question how she knew any of this. Friday most likely told her.

“How are you-… what do you think?”

“I’m just tired Pep.” He admitted. “I’m tired of running around in circles and I don’t hate her, but I can’t get what happened out of my mind.”

Pepper hummed. “I don’t know what to tell you Tony, but if it looks like she’s being honest, then find some closure and forgive her when you’re ready. Steve too. You don’t have to do it anytime soon or be friends afterwards. Just find peace with yourself. It’ll work out hopefully.”

Forgiving them was big, but yeah he guessed just talking to them was a start. He knew neither Pepper nor Rhodey would judge him if he ended up never forgiving them, they were extremely angry at them too, but he was sure it would tear at himself for a long time. Holding onto grudges was Howard’s thing, not his. And holding onto that much anger was tiring, but he didn’t know how to deal with it properly. He had already let out his frustration with Natasha and Thor, Barton too, but he felt more like shit than any actual satisfaction.

The morning had gone okay. It wasn’t aggressive like he thought seeing them again would be, so he guessed that was a baby step too. He just hadn’t imagined he’d be alone with Thor and Natasha, up on another planet entirely. It was too much too quick.

Just be professional. If she wants to talk, then talk. If not, that was fine by him too.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll try. Thanks Pep.”

“Stay safe.”

“As always.” He said with a wry grin.

As soon as Pepper hung up, he rang up Rhodey. Might as well call him before he forgot. It went well and he found himself wishing that Rhodey should be going with him instead of Natasha. Why hadn’t he thought of that? Well he didn’t have any otherworld experience really and he didn’t have much connection to Thor to begin with so yeah, it wouldn’t have worked. Regardless, Rhodey was a much better alternative. A trustworthy one.

Turns out, Barton had indeed been sent with Rhodey back to investigate the weird deaths in Europe and they were going to be there for a short time. They had a few theories, but nothing set in stone. Hopefully they’d be okay. He trusted their abilities, he just wasn’t sure if they knew what they were getting into.

A few words of good luck and promises to stay safe, he had Friday hang up and felt infinitely lighter than two hours ago. Trust Rhodey and Pepper to make things so much better. He didn’t feel as much dread now which was a relief seeing as the clock was quickly drawing near the designated time.

Well it was a good thing the suits were ready. With ease, he slipped into the one he built. It was light and warm, but not overly so. Everything was checking out. The configurations for the suit’s anti-freezing component was stable, his repulsors were beautiful and functioning, and slowly hovering over the target revealed that everything was running smoothly. Perfect.

He had decided to remain with his signature colors. It was less threatening than dark solids would imply and he wanted things to go well. Bright colors would hopefully keep the Jötun people as unwary as possible. They’d probably see him from a mile away, but if it made them feel more in control, then so be it.

Natasha’s suit, on the other hand, was literally just a suit. It was a bit on the thicker side because of the vibranium alloy, but implemented with a more flexible material should the need arise. It was warm, had cameras, so that Natasha could record everything and take it back to Shield without Tony being forced to go and debrief them, and holsters for however many weapons she wanted to hide all about her person. And on the plus side, it was badass looking. A black color and dark maroon designs along her sleeves and legs, it was honestly one of his favorite designs and he couldn’t help himself.

All too soon, the clock struck 6:30 and Friday’s voice was announcing Natasha’s arrival. She was already waiting on the roof with Thor when he arrived. If she was annoyed, she didn’t say it. With a small thanks, she put on the suit easily.

“You sure you don’t need anything, Thor?” It was an attempt to clear up the tension a little, but he found himself meaning it. Thor wore nothing, but his regular amor. Sure his arms were covered and his armor had a little bit of fur for warmth, but it didn’t look nearly warm enough.

“Thank you for the concern, but this is all I need.” Thor responded with a smile. “Now, if we are ready, shall we go?” He sounded anxious to get a move on.

Sure he had asked Tony to slow down and take it easy during the whole time he had been forgoing sleep and food to get to Loki, but it didn’t sound like he was trying to uphold that now; not when his brother was finally within his grasp. He understood too. He was just as anxious to see Loki again, but perhaps for reasons different than Thor’s.

He was looking for his brother and Tony was just looking for a friend in the guy. Maybe. If he was lucky.

“Ready.” Natasha confirmed, her lips pulled up as she tried to smother down a smile. She seemed excited and looked like she was trying not to show it. “Let’s go.”

“Perfect.” Thor turned to the skies as night began to creep close and the stars began to twinkle. He hadn’t reallly had the time to admire the sky here as the sun began to set. It truly was a beautiful sight. “Heimdal!”

Quickly, the bifrost opened and the tower disappeared.

____________

To look back on things and say that Loki had lived a moderately happy life, it’d be an understatement of how things had gone so wrong. Centuries of hiding, of pretending to be someone he wasn’t gnawed at him. That and pretending to be someone he _wanted_ to be was… tiresome, for lack of a better word.

What a fool he had been. All those signs that indicated to his falseness, to his façade that he himself had worn so well and had not recognized was obvious. He had never been an Aesir and his difference was so noticeable. How had he not looked in the mirror and not recognized the foul thing he actually _was_ underneath his skin?

For Norn’s sake! Loki had spent decades upon centuries reading and re-reading all of Asgard’s books, tomes, and scrolls. Eventually he had stumbled across a few that had been hidden away and mistreated to a horrid extent. Pages had been ripped, cover burnt and vile words written all over. He was lucky that powerful protection spells had managed to keep them somewhat intact instead of completely breaking apart as they should have been. What they all had in common, was the information about Jötunheim. Curious about their most hated enemy, he could not count how many hours he’d spent with those tomes.

The moments with those tomes had been adored by him even when he could not understand why. Call it morbid curiousity or such bitter irony, but yes they were of his few favorites. It felt like he had been gifted a secret, such hidden knowledge about some foul beasts that no one else would ever know. He felt special.

Of course though, he was ultimately blind in the end.

The tomes spoke of wretched things. They spoke about how Jötuns were nothing more than an infestation and thus needed to be exterminated or at the very least, have their populations controlled. They were unclean and a revolting species as they had been born from the blood of their founder Ymir. Born from blood was a form of dark magic and further damned their souls to Hel the moment they had been born.

The words also revealed that Jötunheim is very much a chaotic, anarchic, and ruthless realm. Just as the realm, the beings whom lived there were beasts of their own choice as well. Their way of living was subpar to civilizations such as Alfheim, Asgard, or even Midgard.

Their world was a horrid place.

Lack of food contributed to the chaos. The adults fight one another without honor, like wild animals and the hunger drives many mad. Cannibalism is rampant and those who die are fed to the strongest. Children are vulnerable as well, often stolen away from mothers and used for unmentionable things because there is barely any meat on their tiny frames either.

The tomes had led to many nightmares back when he was younger. His fear of them had not been unfounded.

However, it was when he got to the rare descriptions and more analytical parts of the tomes that he should have realized his similarity.

Jötuns were born with traditional marks over their faces that told another of which clan or family they belonged to. Although he had not bore any marks on his Aesir skin, Hela did. Or at the very least, on one side of her face. He should have known then, but he didn’t.

Jötuns also had very strong foundations in Seidr. Every being was born with the ability to manipulate frost and ice regardless of how much Seidr they possessed. And although Loki was technically the god of Fire after having come to his Seidr at such a young age and in such a horrible manner, it was not the first thing he had learned.

Later when he _had_ found out about his heritage, he’d deny that the cold had always come to him frighteningly easy. Almost like breathing. It was a natural part of himself that he didn’t look too much into, whether it was because his frost was gentle and small, or because to have a… prince be the god of ice would be ironic. He had been given the title of fire instead. After all, his fire was a chaotic and uncontrollable power that many feared. That even he himself feared.

Regardless, he did not see the truth yet.

Loki, like many Jötuns apparently, were born rather hairless. He had the inability to grow facial hair- which was a shameful thing on its own- and it parred with his inability to grow big and strong like Asgard’s men, instead being lean with muscle and bearing sharp features.

He fit in that description well enough and yet he still did _not_ see it!

And then there was the last thing. The last puzzle piece that had been there since the beginning. It was a shameful and revolting secret of his that he had not realized was not normal.

Jötuns were born with both male and female genitalia.

_He_ was born with _both_.

No explanation, no information, nothing at all. He had lived centuries as… _that_ without the slightest clue that it wasn’t normal. Sure he had wondered why he wasn’t allowed to bathe with the others, but he had never thought much of it. He thought princes were supposed to bathe separately and alone, but later, when he had realized that he had been born _wrong_ , did he find out that Thor bathed with the other men.

Loki had gone through the medical books from the health ward in a frenzy after… the incident… and discovered exactly what a freak he was. Men were born without a uterus, without the ability to bear children, without- without those _things_ on his chest, and without a-.

No he couldn’t say it. He couldn’t _say_ what he had. The words themselves he _could_ say, but not when talking about what he had been cursed with. About what he _had._ He couldn’t.

Regardless, men were born without breasts and females were born without a scrotum or a penis.

There was no known case about an Aesir born with both! He was a medical anomaly and a freak. Aesir’s were born perfect. They were born beautiful with warm colored skin, not pale like his, they were born with strength, not sly tricks, they bore warm skin, not cold to touch, and lastly they were born as who they were meant to be, not stuck between a man and a woman as neither.

He never asked why he had been born that way and he had grown up thinking and being treated as a man. It was not a choice of who he wanted to be as that choice had long been made when he had been named ‘Prince Loki’, and not ‘Princess Loki’. And after the incident, he could no longer choose. He was mutilated, just damaged product, and horrid down there. And so, he had changed.

Gone were the soft delicate features of a girl. His hair was cut short, he made his voice a pitch lower, he made the little feminine dip in his waist go away, and his eyes were still childish, but had lost the doe-eyed look. Just like a Jötun, they were able to switch easily between the two or stay in the middle, and that was what he had done. He had made the decision as quick as it had been presented.

Why? He wanted to ask. Were you ashamed Odin? Were you ashamed of having a daughter or of having someone like _me_? Was this why you couldn’t look me in the eye? Why you so carelessly made the decision for me? Would I have been like this if you had named me a princess rather than a prince?

He never did ask.

He had avoided all and every conversation with his mother regarding it. She had tried to make him feel better and understand, but he didn’t want to. Maybe she would have told him the truth about his race, but what’s done was done. And he, in the end, never put two and two together.

Of course it had to be physically seeing his skin turn into that _hideous_ shade of blue to have him doubting and even then! Even then he had to ask- he had to hear the words coming from Odin for it to finally set in.

And what happened next only cemented his place. Looking back on it now, it was never the Jötun race who were monsters. The one who was truly monstrous, was he who wore their skin. Those stories spoke of him, not of them.

He could see why he was always such a disappointment, such a waste of space, such a pathetic excuse of an Aesir. His family was torn from him, his love was murdered, his mother was killed, and his brother had abandoned him.

He used to not be good enough for Odin, but now he wasn’t good enough for anyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My favorite artist is Sam Smith and I think a lot of my chapters are based on his lyrics or I use them as prompts. Mainly with Tony, but they slip in here and then with Loki. He has a way of putting so much meaning and emotion into his songs and I can’t help, but wanna add that into the story. See you guys later. In the next chapter: Jötunheim finally!


	12. Desolate Wasteland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Natasha and Thor in tow, they arrive in Jötunheim. He had a lot of expectations, but what he sees isn’t one of them. At least the things revealed answer the questions he didn’t really know he had in the first place and then some.

Traveling via the bifrost was just as horrible as the first time. He landed on shaky legs and with vomit in his throat just like the first time, but at least he didn’t collapse or make a fool out of himself. He counted that as a win. Still, he breathed in deeply and exhaled slowly to catch his bearings. The gleaming floor of the bifrost was just as bright and overwhelming as he remembered it and he had to shut his eyes for a few seconds too.

When his legs stopped shaking, he straightened up slowly. Thor had a hand outstretched to him, not touching, but letting him know that he was there for him and his other hand was hovering over Natasha in the same manner.

Natasha seemed to be taking it much better than he had although it was obvious that she was shaken too. With hands pressed against her knees to brace herself and her face pinched and slightly green, she looked up and wiped a little spit from her lip. “Not a word.” She threatened them.

Both he and Thor gave short amused laughs. Though her glare was still impressive, she didn’t look as intimidating with the drool she was trying to clean off her chin. It was certainly odd to see her so non collected, but it wasn’t necessarily bad. It just felt like he shouldn’t bare witness to it.

She seemed to be waiting too, eyes locked on his and waiting for his move. Friend or not, no in between.

“Lady Natasha,” Heimdall spoke and he was relieved that it stopped him from maybe saying something he would’ve regretted. Her attention snapped up and she looked startled as though he had escaped her gaze. He knew it wouldn’t usually go past her, but he blamed it on the disorientation from their method of travel. “Welcome to Asgard.”

Her eyes were wide and in awe as she took it all in; the rainbow bridge, the cascading waterfalls, the majestic and gleaming kingdom in the distance. Watching her left him with a soft sort of amusement.

He knew what it was like. It was one thing to hear about it- read about it- than to actually see it for yourself. It really did look like the kingdom made for the Gods. And on one hand, they really were.

Thor placed a hand comfortingly on her shoulder. It was more friendly than to stabalize her considering she was steady and composed in only a few moments. “This is Heimdall, the bifrost keeper and the watcher of gods.”

“A pleasure.” Natasha nodded respectfully, but her eyes held a gleam of recognition. She must have done some research then. Something he had still put off. As she looked about, he wondered what else she knew and how she was interpreting everything now that she had prior knowledge to it.

Regardless, there was no time for chit chat. Thor turned back to the gateway. “The Allfather will not be gracing us with his presence?”

“He must attend to other duties for the time being, but…” Heimdall began to turn the cog. “He will be waiting most anxiously for your return.”

Thor nodded. “To Jötunheim, Heimdall.”

“Very well, my prince.” The cranking was loud and jarring. “But there is one thing you must know. Prince Loki had shrouded himself from my vision for a long time now and I know not where he resides.” Thor grimaced, but nodded.

That didn’t sound too good and he could give a good guess as to what that meant. Loki was hiding. But that probably many few things. Loki was in a position where he could use his Seidr, in which case, he might not even be captured, or the Jötuns were using their own means of magic. Ice wielding was Seidr right? Did that give them some control over hiding their beings too?

“Will that be a problem?” Tony asked to cut his internal rambling short.

“No. If my brother is mistreated, he must be hiding himself to preserve his own pride.” He turned to look at Tony with a fierce expression. “We _will_ find him.”

“We will.” Tony promised.

Natasha stepped forward and touched Thor’s arm tentatively. “All of us.” It was subtle, but her bias would not get in the way of saving him. He saw it clearly and he was sure Thor appreciated too.

“To Jötunheim.”

In a flash, they were stumbling and rolling down the jagged and sharp ice of the mountain or hill of wherever they landed. It was steep and he could feel the pin-like snow cutting into his suit and could hear the screeching of metal against it.

“Tony!” Thor shouted, from somewhere infront of him.

His foot caught onto an imperfection in the ice and he latched on. “I’m fine!”

The sound of someone else sliding had him quickly looking up. Natasha was desperately clawing at the ice, and trying to bury her knives into it, but each attempt had her breaking the foundation and sliding down more. Behind him, there was a large drop and what he could see as a pretty nasty fall.

Tony looked back up at Thor to shout at him, but he looked a little held up. Mjölnir was thrown a few feet away from him and he held his hands up in a placating gesture. There were three large and ominous beings pointing large and dangerous looking weapons at him.

“One wrong move, Odinson.”

“My friends. Please let me help them.”

Natasha shouted aloud and her voice was strained. “I can’t hold on!”

The one in the middle growled at Thor. “Why should we?”

“Because they’re Midgardians!”

The one in the middle looked over with red eyes that gleamed eerily in the dark skies. Their expression was one of pure shock and astonishment.

Either way, it’d be too late. He didn’t even think about letting go twice. As soon as Natasha slid close to him, Tony leaped from his spot and latched onto her. “I gotcha!” The only problem was that he wasn’t able to gain any leverage and her clinging wasn’t making it easy. He probably should’ve thought this through. They tumbled over the edge.

Well, time to see if the repulsors worked. Theoretically, it should, but he had no way of knowing until he was in this situation. They spluttered to life and he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He was lucky that the sliding down hadn’t damaged them too bad. He held onto her tightly. “Don’t let go.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” She murmured hotly, her voice strained. Her hands were latched on tightly onto the grooves in his suit and there was so much pressure in her grip that he could almost feel it through the metal.

Lighting them up, he flailed about, trying to get a sense of up and down. At least they weren’t falling anymore so there was that. He stabilized himself and slowly made himself go up, but horribly aware of the dark abyss beneath them. Suddenly, he could see in his interface as soon as the Repulsors started to freeze over. He must have miscalculated something because it worked for a few seconds and then shut off. “Shit!” And he was so close too!

Over the edge, a blue face popped out and he had the strange feeling of familiarity wash over him before panic settled in. A large hand quickly shot out and gripped his forearm. It was a cold and biting feeling that he had never experienced. The hologram in his visor started glitching and showing signs of extreme temperature damage where the being had grabbed him.

He didn’t have time to brace before he and Natasha were both yanked upwards and landing on a stable and wide spot away from the cliff. They were both breathing heavily and still shaking from adrenaline. He felt Nat’s eyes on him and he turned to look at her. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” She swallowed audibly. She patted her helmet and he could see her visor fogging up. “Thank you. I- are you okay?”

“It was nothing. And I’m fine.” They both stared at one another for a few seconds and then they both started laughing. They must’ve looked a bit insane, but they were relieved immensely.

“Oh Norns.” Thor whispered. His voice was shaky and horrified. That immediately stopped their laughter and they looked over at him. Thor had fallen to his knees at the edge of the cliff, hands outstretched as though to help them, but frozen in place as he looked out. His eyes were wide with shock. “Loki, what have you done?”

It was then that Tony finally took a second to look out. To say that it was a frightening sight was an understatement. It knocked out all the breath from his lungs and it felt like water rushing down his back.

The mountains, or whatever was left of them, were broken and jagged rocks now. The ice was cracked and there was a giant crater were it had looked like a bomb had exploded. The skies were dark and misty, and there was nothing alive within sight. At the edge of the crater stood a pedestal and there was a written foreign language on it. There were wilting flowers undearneath. A monument for the dead.

“What happened here?”

“Loki turned the bifrost onto Jötunheim.” Thor muttered. “I hadn’t imagined what it could do. He tried to wipe them out, but failed. I tried to make him see reason, I really did. He was too far gone. I had to- I had to-... He let go and I couldn’t reach him.”

Tony didn’t say anything out of a stunned silence.

If he understood it correctly, Loki had tried to kill them. All of them. His own race. And when that hadn’t worked, when Thor had stopped him, he had thrown himself into the void. He had tried to take his own life.

Now it made sense as to why Loki had been sentenced here. But his Loki wouldn’t have done this. He didn’t want to do the invasion on New York, how could he have done something like this? But for all he knew, Loki didn’t regret what happened in New York and probably did this without a care too.

By god he was going mad! He was feeling betrayed over a man in his head that didn’t exist! If he needed any proof that the Loki of his head and the real thing were not the same person, this was it. And no, he couldn’t justify this. There was nothing that he could think of that would justify what Loki had done here.

Tony had blood on his hands, but Loki had tried to wipe out an entire race. Mass genocide. It was a good thing that he had failed, but the intention was still there. There was no denying it. Loki had turned the bifrost here for whatever reason and had intended to kill every living thing here. Destroy an entire planet and bury their history deep.

It was a horrifying revelation.

The sound of snow crunching went rather unnoticed. The one who had saved them, the same person who had been the one speaking to Thor, looked over the edge as well with a solemn expression. “This was not all his doing and it was certainly not the worst either.” The being spoke. English. She spoke English. The voice was soft and sweet, but strong and sharp at the same time.

Natasha eyed them, but showed no sign of disrespect. “We mean no harm.”

There was a tight lipped smile on the being’s face. “Helblendi is my name. I am Queen of Jötunheim in my late father’s stead.”

Now that Tony looked at her clearly, yeah she was a woman. Braided dark hair, crimson eyes with a different gleam than that of the two males behind her, and an unforgettable hourglass shape that looked more like a result of hunger rather than feminine looks. But it was the marks that stood out on her face and body. Raised lines, like scars, that had a pattern so unique, it could have been simply birthmarks. The others had it too, but they were all different. She was beautiful though and had sharp features that were very familiar, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

“You’re a Jötun.” He said obviously and then snapped his mouth shut because he wasn’t sure if speaking out of line like that would be offensive or disrespectful. Thor knew the most out of the three of them about Jötunheim and that knowledge was next to none.

Helblindi just smiled warmly. “That I am, Midgardian. And you both are…?”

“Tony Stark from Earth. Or Midgard.” He motioned at himself.

“I’m Natasha Romanoff.”

“Of Midgard as well?” She asked. Natasha nodded.

Thor stood up and brushed the snow from his knees with shaky hands. His face was still dark and stunned. “Forgive my insolence. I am-.”

When Helblindi interrupted him, her voice wasn’t unkind, but wary. “I know who you are, Thor Odinson. The… _only_ heir to the throne of Asgard.” She motioned to the destruction behind her. “This is what you desired too, was it not? Does it make you proud?” Her voice was slightly accusing.

Thor kept his mouth shut and looked down at his hands. “No. Maybe at one point when I was young and careless and stupid, did I imagine what glory I would have been bestowed if I had bested you all. But this,” He looked at the wasteland of Jötunheim. “This is horrendous.”

Helblindi laughed a little, wry amusement filling her expression.

She looked too damn familiar, but there was no way. There was no way he could recognize her. But she was a familiar sight and it felt like he was missing something.

“Well glad to see you have a change of heart. It only took the massacre of innocent people and my family for you to see it.” She brought her attention back to Tony and there was something in that gaze of hers. “I suppose there is a lot that you should know. You are after all tied to him, clear as snow and yet I can see the how lost you are through the veil of your eyes.”

“What?”

She shook her head with a fond smile and raised a hand. “How much do you know of our history?”

So was no one going to call that out? He cast an eye to Natasha and then to Thor. They didn’t seem hung up over what she had just said.

“I know enough. And no one remembers what you did to Earth by the way. We all forgot and got over it.” He said.

She jolted as though in surprise and the other two shifted in astonishment. Their crimson eyes went wide and the blue skin around their eyes lifted. They looked at him and then to Natasha with a listless sort of gaze, but he couldn’t be too sure.

He didn’t call it out and chose to answer the rest of her question with what Skadi had told him of Loki. “And I know that Loki was not born on Asgard and was born here and I know that Odin had taken him as a baby.” He had to fight off the initial instinct to say ‘kidnapped’ rather than taken. It was, after all, just in his dreams and he had no actual evidence of it being truth.

Besides, he wasn’t sure how Thor would take it if he was privy to that knowledge. Did he even know though? Odin must have told him at some point, but maybe he had just been left in the dark this whole time. But it feels like these things should be known. It really _does_ make a huge difference.

Thor made a questioning noise and Tony turned to him with a name on his lips. “Skadi told me that he wasn’t just adopted, he wasn’t even Asgardian to begin with.”

“Aesir you mean.” Thor corrected.

“Whatever. Point was he was Jötun.”

He nodded in acceptance.

Natasha didn’t look the slightest bit stunned. Perhaps she knew about Loki, or maybe she didn’t, but the poker face she wore revealed nothing. He was certain Thor must’ve said something, but Tony knew he was just as wary and secretive of the information he shares, if not more so than Tony.

Helblindi nodded and pondered to herself. Her face seemed stormy and lethargic, she looked ancient, but she looked young too. Perhaps the burden of ruling her people had come with a large toll.

He had so much questions that he wanted to ask, but was wary of voicing them. In the back of his mind, he remembered all that Loki had said about where he was. He was being tortured, stripped of his sanity and senses one by one, but surely these people weren’t the cause. It couldn’t be.

But maybe his own recollections of being imprisoned was tainting his expectations of what Loki was currently going through. Maybe that was where all this paranoia was coming from. He was sure of it.

These people, intimidating and frightening as they might appear looming over them, seemed apathetic, sad, and strangely honorable with their tan cloth wrapped around themselves with such precision and grace. They didn’t seem like people to find pleasure in torture and mindless pain. They seemed more interested in simple talk and without clear aggression. Hostility towards Thor, yes, but that was to be expected.

They were wary, but not overly contentious. They were clearly not looking for a fight. They looked as though they had all seen too much of that.

Thor cleared his throat politely. “If I recall, Prince Blyeistr was next in line wasn’t he? But here you stand before me as Queen. There were only two heirs to the throne were they not?”

A flash of grief went over her face and she heaved a great sigh. “There were three heirs to the throne. My late-brother Blyeistr who died when the ice collapsed during your invasion.” She didn’t sound angry, just resigned to that knowledge and Thor winced. “I was the second born, and then there was the youngest son who was murdered as a babe. Or so we had thought until the false prince of Asgard had been dumped here to be imprisoned by us and to die.”

“Loki.” Thor stated and he seemed like he sort of had an inkling, but this was only confirmed.

“Yes.” She me this gaze full on. “ _My_ brother. The first you had stolen from me and then later, the life of my older brother.” It was spoken in a way that was compassionate and pitiful.

Natasha cursed under her breath. “Fuck.”

And honestly he would have said the same.

It answered the question as to why she looked so familiar. She was Loki’s _sister_. They had similar sharp features and an ominous presence about them both. She on the other hand, looked over them, strong and powerful and giant.

But he wanted to know exactly how she was feeling. After all, this was Loki’s sister. Did she even tell Loki? Did he even know? And if he did, then did she feel bad or see him as family after all that he had done?

But what he really wanted to know was if Loki _knew_ he had family here and _still_ wanted to kill them. If the knowledge of having family here would have stopped him from doing this or if it would have given him more a reason to do so.

Thor shook his head and looked distraught. There must’ve been a thousand questions running through his head, but couldn’t voice them. Helblindi took pity on him though.

“I am too harsh on you.” She spoke to Thor. “My brother fought for our people and you didn’t kill him directly. The ice was already unstable as it was and you only triggered it.” Her eye, though strained and in pain, held no deep burning hatred. “My heart is in no place to afford anger. And you were not responsible for the actions your father committed. I do not know why the Allfather had taken my little brother, but we mourned for him.”

“You left him to die.” Thor said, but it was clear that by his tone, it was a question rather than an accusation. It was evident that this was the story that Odin had told him, a false one if Helblindi was to be believed.

“He was protected in the temple.” She replied soothingly. “We never would have abandoned him.”

The temple.

Tony stiffened.

The _temple_.

No- did he hear that right? He felt Natasha’s curious gaze at his low gasp and he was grateful that he had the faceplate down. Regardless though, Helblindi had said that Loki was in the _temple_. That had to have been a coincidence. He remembered Loki saying the same thing in his dream, but here he was, listening to her confirm it. He tried to pause and think through the initial startlement he was experiencing to shake off the strange coincidence, but Helblindi was still talking.

“My mother grieved over him for days and refused to eat or drink. She kept saying she wanted to see him in Paradise so that she may hold dear little Loptr in her arms again.” There was a hint of dark blue on her nose and ears and her eyes seemed even glossier.

And Fuck, to be faced with the real family that had _mourned_ for Loki, that was something hard to swallow. And not even mourned Loki as he knew him, but as their baby brother- their son with a name different to Loki. A different person entirely.

Loki’s name wasn’t Loki. It was Loptr. He mouthed it silently to himself. Even without speaking it, just hearing the name associated to Loki felt… wrong. It wasn’t him. Not really.

But as difficult and conflicting this felt to him, Thor was even more so, he just knew it. And Thor couldn’t deny it. Couldn’t deny the pain that Odin had brought on this family and the deep-rooted trauma that it had resulted. Insecurities, hatred, depreciation, and so much more.

Loki was royally fucked up and one had to wonder if it could really only be blamed on him.

Helblindi caught his gaze, her crimson eyes dark and sad. “My mother fulfilled her promise and passed that same winter.”

Shit.

Thor looked crestfallen.

She took in a deep breath to calm herself. “My father went mad with grief as well, but he changed. He became cold as our raging rivers once were, and empty as the Osjek flower when it poured out it’s seeds. The land turned even more chaotic and then you came bringing death and destruction to my people.”

  
Her voice turned into a growl and he was genuinely surprised by how similar her voice sounded to Loki’s. He was also surprised that it had taken her so long to really let her anger overcome her. Though her ability to stay calm was astonishing.

Thor had inadvertently _killed_ her brother and a lot of her people. He would be furious. And she _was_ too, but she knew how to control it. He could see it in the way she held herself, but now she had snapped and he was prepared to intervene.

She took a small threatening step at Thor, but looked down at Tony as held his hands up to her, placating and trying to be that middle ground Thor had asked him to be. He wasn’t sure how much he could really do though. If things went south, he couldn’t exactly fight her. On top of Thanos, the last thing he wanted was to sign an appeal for war by engaging with, not only a few natives, but the Queen herself.

But he didn’t have to worry about things escalating because of his interference. Her eyes softened and maybe it was because he was small compared to her or because of what she had said before about him being connected to someone, but he was grateful for it now. She made no advance and her eyes were completely on him.

When she spoke again, her voice was still angry, but noticeably calmer and subdued. “You wrecked havoc onto my home,” Helblindi met Thor’s eyes. “We were trying to defend ourselves and you massacred my people. With your bloody hammer, you caused the ice to collapse and trapped so many innocent children and women. The men were all nearly crushed and our numbers had decimated leaving only very few to dig out those trapped. The children and elderly were too weak and we saved only a small portion of them as the others had suffocated. The women without children and without their lovers began to take their own lives.”

Helblindi pointed a finger at herself. “And bear this in mind Odinson. My people are one and the same, all children of Ymir and we are both blessed and cursed to feel each other’s pain. When one of us dies, the rest will feel it, and we all feel grief greatly.”

The only sound that was left was that of the wind blowing and the snow piling up. It was now that Tony felt the cold seep in. The place where Helblindi had grabbed him was stiff and cold compared to the rest of him. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but it had him shivering.

Helblindi glanced at both he and Natasha and motioned to the other Frost Giants. Without warning, large pelts were draped over them and the warmth was greatly appreciated. It felt more like they were being coddled like children rather than adults, but he wasn’t complaining. Maybe they were seen as a lesser species and therefore adorable, but he shrugged and tightened his grip on the pelt. The coos from the two Frost Giants definitely hinted to that.

“I’m not looking for an apology. What’s done is done.” Helblindi conceded. “Loki murdered my father, King Laufeyson-.”

Tony cursed under his breath. Once was chance, twice was a coincidence, and three times was a pattern. And oh shit that was creepy, two coincidences in a row- there was something more to all this. Something he was missing. And he wondered just how many things aligned too perfectly to just be his own imagination.

“-Which I did not agree with, but I and many others saw it justified. My father had become a dishonorable man and had tried to kill the Allfather in his sleep. By all means, Loki was not in the wrong, but he had turned the bifrost to us.”

She wiped her eyes and he didn’t expected to see dark and thick trails of tears roll down her face, but just as quick as it was there, it was wiped away leaving behind a stony expression. He would’ve never guessed that she had shed a few tears if he hadn’t seen it.

“He missed though. He had been here once before and knew where our kingdom lay, but he picked here. Perhaps he was hesitant, but still overcome by anger that I do not understand, but he had hesitated and for that I am relieved, but I will never forgive him. Regardless, he had intended to let the bifrost destroy our planet, but… we were not scared. We welcomed it.”

“Why would you?” Natasha whispered. Her eyebrows furrowed together and her eyes seemed compassionate.

“We are tired of suffering. Our planet laid in ruins and without the casket of winters, we were weak. The men had remained men, we were unable to reproduce, and the women remained women and were unable to properly fight against new threats. We were pillaged by the Aesir, our lands were raped, and we were left for dead. We couldn’t leave either as the bifrost was closed to us and there is nowhere else for us to go.”

Her voice went shaky.

“So when Loki turned to us, we welcomed it, even silently thanked him although none of us would admit it. We are a prideful race and would not kill ourselves off even if it meant saving our children from the horrors of our world, so we were rather thankful when someone would do it for us. After all, we only had a few centuries before the planet was to completely break apart. We were doomed anyway, might as well have made it a painless and quick death rather than waiting in suffering until then.”

And it made sense. He tried to breathe through his nose to calm himself, but the fury he felt was still there. He mourned for these people and for all they had lost and for feeling like death was their only escape.

He was furious at Thor for doing such a thing because he had wanted the glory; He was livid at Odin for dooming then to such a tragic fate, regardless of what they had done! But he was fuming and and angry at Loki. Whether they wanted it or were thriving, Loki had no right to take their lives into his own hands. It wasn’t justified, not at all.

His stomach lurched and he knew that if he threw up, it would be a bad idea. He couldn’t exactly take off his helmet.

One glance at Natasha made him realize that he wasn’t the only one feeling like this. Helblindi must have noticed too because she backtracked and held her hands out placatingly to Natasha. “Oh dear, I must have offended you.” She spoke tentatively and it was obvious that she was still lamenting what her people had done to Earth.

Natasha gripped her hands fiercely. Ice gathered over her hands, but Natasha held on steadfast. “No you haven’t. We’re angry, but not at you. No one deserves this treatment for, what I’ve heard, thousands of years.”

She scoffed, snarling to herself and then tilting her head to the other two men looking cooly over them. It seemed self-depreciating almost. “But we have invaded your-.” She tried to argue.

“Yes, that happened, but we learn to forgive and forget.” Natasha whispered. “No one deserves any of this. No one.”

He remembered just how fiercely compassionate Natasha really was in that moment and it always came as such a surprise, even after so many years of knowing her.

Helblindi seemed shocked by her empathy as well. Her eyes had gone wide and disbelieving as though the mere thought of someone taking their side was unheard of. She looked unsure and even a bit suspicious.

It made the rage in his heart grow even more.

“Is there anything that we can do?” Tony asked, because how could he not? If Asgard has turned their back on them, it didn’t mean Earth would. Or at the very least Tony. And it wasn’t like some grand gesture. He had the means of getting here and he had the money and power to help. “Food, supplies, you name it.”

“Tony.” Natasha spoke and her eyes were conflicted. “You know it’s not up to us.”

“But we’re ambassadors. Don’t they do all this kind of shit? Helping those in need?” He snapped at her, but he hoped that she understood that he was only frustrated and didn’t mean it. “I mean if they’re going to give us the fucking job, we’re going to do it right, shouldn’t we?”

Helblindi laughed. “Thank you, but it’s unnecessary. We need the Casket of Winters, it’s the only thing that can keep us alive.”

“And where is it?” Thor asked. “It does not currently reside in Asgard.”

“And would you offer it to us if you had it?” She pressed. “Would you return what your father stole from us? Your worst enemy? The very race you Aesir and everyone else desires to destroy?”

And without missing a beat, Thor answered, clear and genuine. “Aye. I would.”

He held out his palm towards her, palm up and open. A chance for goodwill, an offer of peace. And there was something magical about this sight. The son of the king offering a hand to the daughter of the enemy. Or, their once enemy.

“I will burn you.”

Thor smiled weakly. “Only if you want to.” He motioned over to both Natasha and him with a nod of his head. “Your touch burns through armor and clothes alike, but not theirs.”

A bit affronted, Tony interjected. “My suits are made with the finest metals.”

He snorted and rolled his eyes just a bit, but wholeheartedly. “And our armors are made of Uru, the metals of the Gods.” He teased and turned back to Helblindi with a proud look. “Your simple touch is powerful enough to destroy it to shambles, but you didn’t.” He held his hand out again towards her. “You won’t hurt me, but if you do, then it’s well within your right.”

She looked down at his hand and a few seconds ticked by. The men behind her seemed wary, but tense with anxiety. Eventually, she reached out and her movements were slow and deliberate, but not at all nervous or showing any weakness. When their hands met, there was no fireworks or magical effect, it was just… there. A show of peace and Thor tightened his fingers over hers.

“I apologize for everything my father has done and for everything I have done too.” He spoke. His hand did go grey and a bit blue, but he held on tightly. He met her gaze full on. “I know my words can fix nothing, but I will make things right. As my brother’s sister, I hold no ill-will towards you, and I hope that perhaps we can be the generation to overcome this ridiculous hatred towards one another and live in peace as allies rather than enemies.”

“You speak boldly, but you are right. They’re just words. But I am not stubborn or prideful enough to not admit when I am wrong.” Helblindi hummed and smiled politely at him. “I say that I don’t blame you and that I forgive you and yet I curse your very name only seconds later.”

She shook her head and let go of his hand.

“I will not apologize, but know that you are not completely at fault and I shan’t blame you for the actions of your father.” She turned to Tony then.

Her pupils looked dark as she stared at him wordlessly. Her lips pressed together again, a strange look painted her face. Not exactly curious, but not really like she knew something he didn’t, which he was sure she did. Before he could ask, she sighed and shook her head lightly and the moment was gone just as quick as it had come. He wondered what it was exactly that she was seeing.

“As for the Casket of Winters-… Come with me.”

In silence, they all followed after Helblindi as the other two, gaurds he presumed, stepped behind them. They seemed more wary of Thor than of them, and would constantly help out with a gentle hand whenever they’d slip or stumble. However, they never really touched them outright even after it was known that they could touch them without burning their skin.

“Thanks.” He murmured over his shoulder when the man to his right put an open hand infront of him and urged him to step around a seemingly thin patch of slippery ice. It seemed non-threatening, but when he sent a stray rock, or whatever it was, skidding away with his foot, that particular patch broke apart and fell into the silky darkness below. It couldn’t have been more than a half a minute before the sound of the broken ice hit the ground with a crack that echoed.

“Don’t mention it.” The voice grumbled, but it made him falter in his step. The voice sounded feminine. Tony quickly did a double take and sure enough, his assumptions were correct.

The guard wasn’t at all male if the pronounced breasts hidden by her clothing meant anything. No that wasn’t right. She had been a male. He was sure he wouldn’t remembered another female Jötun, but no. He had distinctly remembered two males. Both sturdy and sharp with masculinity, but while the other remained just as he remembered him, this other guard was soft and curvy, but still stocky and wide as before.

He briefly remembered a few words that Helblindi had spoken that had caught his attention earlier.

_“The men had remained men, we were unable to reproduce, and the women remained women and were unable to properly fight against new threats.”_

He heard her, but didn’t ask questions then even if he hadn’t completely understood her then.

The men remained men. And the women remained women. The implications that they could change that somehow was certainly there, but if they didn’t have the Casket of Winters then how-?

“Stop staring at her boobs.” Natasha hissed and he wouldn’t admit that he made an embarrassing squeak when he snapped his head forward.

“I was not!”

Natasha snorted and he could see her eye-roll through her visor.

He didn’t try to bring up the real reason, and it didn’t seem like she noticed, but she should’ve. She was too assessing for that, too observant for something like that to slip her eyes. Still, she didn’t bring it up and he didn’t either.

Thor and Helblindi were talking softly up ahead. It appeared primarily focused o past history and Thor looked very humbled as time went on. Humbled as well as, from what he’s heard from the conversation, disgusted at how innacurate Asgard’s stories were of them.

Considering for how long Thor’s lived, thousands of years if he’s guessing, it couldn’t have been easy to get rid of all that bias and ignorance he’d been taught. Hell, it’s nearly impossible to change the way someone thinks after a few years of being exposed and had that sort of bigoted thoughts engraved into you, but centuries? He couldn’t even wrap his brain around how impossible that’d be.

But if Thor was anything, it was surprising. He talked with ease and respect, he spoke often in their language if only to ease the stress on Helblindi when she struggled to explain something, and he didn’t look at her nor the other gaurds with disgust.

Tony had thought that Skadi was an exception because she looked very little like a Jötun and was easier to disassociate her from a Jötun. After all, Skadi looked infinitely different than them. Pale skin, strange ears, but she _did_ have raised markings on her skin and her skin just seemed awfully freezing. But it seems as though it wasn’t that she looked different, but just the fact that Thor was trying to genuinely know them rather than hate them as he had been raised to.

Sure, Thor asked a few questions that seemed rude and ignorant, but Helblindi, thankfully, realized that it was Thor trying to clear up any stereotypes and honestly trying to understand. He knew she could see it in every wince and shameful look Thor got when he heard the answers. It obviously wasn’t easy for him. It went against every thing he had believed, Tony assumed, and yet Thor still prevailed.

It was endearing and it filled him with contentment and almost pride to watch Thor and listen to their conversation. Granted, he didn’t understand the words they spoke, but had a basic understanding that it was going well.

It was a almost comfortable to be walking like this if it wasn’t for the fact that he was extremely self aware of Natasha walking besides him. He kept glancing at her, but she resolutely kept her gaze ahead. If she wanted to talk, now would be the perfect moment. After all, the two gaurds were speaking low in their native language and the two royals were stuck in conversation so it wasn’t like they were in the spotlight.

She didn’t though. She didn’t say anything, didn’t press him to talk, or brought up anything.

“It’s nice isn’t it?” He spoke aloud. “I knew it’d be cold, but not this cold.” No that was a lie, he knew it’d be this cold, but he wasn’t sure why he was making the small talk.

She hummed and nodded. “Almost can’t feel it though. You did good on the suits.”

He muttered his thanks and then it was back to quiet again. God this was awkward. Small talk was never his strong suit. “I used a different metal component.”

“Ah.” She pressed her lips together and glanced down at her suit. “What type?”

“Vibranium.”

“Is that why you needed…”

“Cap’s Shield? Yeah, that’s why.”

“Ah.”

They trailed off again and a horribly uncomfortable silence enveloped them. It was just the sound of snow crunching beneath their feet.

“So-.”

Natasha held up a hand, effectively quieting his next words. Her hand curled up into a fist and she pressed it against the transparent visor of her helmet. She had seemed to forget it was there and brought her hand away again when she realized. He wasn’t sure what to make of that gesture and her sigh was muffled, but her exhaustion was clear.

“Okay. What gives, Stark?”

He pressed his lips tightly together, pursing them.

“You don’t want to talk to me, you’re constantly reminding me about how Siberia was bothering you, and you told me that you can’t forgive me for what I’ve done. I get it, I messed up, but now that I’m giving you space, you’re trying to- I just have no idea what you’re trying to do.”

“I just thought that you wanted to talk.”

“Do I? Or did you want to talk?” She accused.

He opened his mouth to argue, but what came out instead was a small strangled sound. He felt at a loss for words, because in reality, wasn’t he the one trying to talk? Pointless conversation, trying to catch her eye, and just simply keeping close for no other reason than for company. If he had really been over their failed friendship and didn’t want to talk more with her, then he wouldn’t be doing all this just for the sake of it.

Natasha had hit the nail on the head and she knew it. Lips twitching down and with a concerned glaze in her eyes, Nat put her hand over his shoulder and despite the fact that he couldn’t feel the warmth of it, the gesture had him conflicted. One part of him felt bitter and resentful, wanted to shrug her touch off, but the other was fond and reassured by it. In the end, he didn’t shrug it off, but his shoulder was visibly tense. He could feel it.

“Tony, I don’t know what you’re thinking. I’m glad that you think I do, but I just don’t.”

Tony frowned and he kept trying to open his mouth, but he just couldn’t seem to get the words out. He just didn’t _know_ how to. He opted for putting his hand over hers. It was a light touch, but it was there nevertheless. A reassuring touch for himself more than it was for her.

“I don’t know either, Nat.” He admitted.

And honestly, Tony was still a bit shaken up over the fact that if he hadn’t let go of the ledge so carelessly to grab onto her when they had arrived, she wouldn’t be alive. Wouldn’t be standing by her at this moment. She would have been gone into that dark abyss and circled by mountains of ice. He had felt so much fear and desperation, and the sudden protectiveness was making his head hurt. He didn’t want her to get hurt because regardless of what he felt, he still cared about her. He couldn’t lose her anymore than he already had and yet, he couldn’t keep her close or accept her offer friendship again.

He was at a loss.

The sound of their footsteps lessened and the terrain felt softer now. It sounded like wind blowing through grass and just a hint of snow laid atop of the green peeking out. Then the warmth seeped through his suit as the skies turned brighter, but he was still semi lost in thought.

Thor let out an audible gasp and Helblindi had stopped just a few steps ahead. Natasha’s hand slipped off his shoulder and she seemed confused for a few seconds before she also looked mesmerized by the sight before them. Tony frowned, wondering just what exactly had caught their expression and turned.

By God, was it beautiful.

It was a sight unparalleled to anything else he had seen. The sun was warm and covered behind white fluffy clouds and yet rays of sunlight bounced off the white of snow. Blades of grass, a pastel kind of pink, poked through the ice and the sky was a light purple sort of color. In the distance, large and majestic mountains loomed, steep and full of pinks, greens, and turquoise and the white of snow overlaying it all. Large and lanky trees with thick leaves, the color of amber, were few and sparse in between and yet elegant on it’s own.

There was a small stream to the side, with water so clear, he wouldn’t have known there was water if the ripples or sound of running water wasn’t present. At the edges, ice clung and broke off. It lead off into the distance and ran along to where a small and humble looking building, still in the works, resided. A castle. Sleek in design and full of small tracings. All around the stream, there were small houses and homes that had been carved into the ice of the hillsides nearby.

“Welcome to Jötunheim.” Helblindi whispered.

It was such a stark contrast to what lied behind them. It was healthy and roaring with life. Animals he had never seen before scattered free and large beasts painted with some sort of paint roamed about peacefully despite the dangerous looking teeth they bore. One of which bore similar teeth to the knife Skadi had. That thing was enormous. Easily the size of a truck.

Heads poked out from houses that seemed empty up until now and as soon as they caught sight of them, they began to come out from hiding. Children scurried about, women, at least those he could recognize as such, picked at bushes and collected herbs, the men tended to animals and vice versa. They ignored their presence by all means.

“How…” Thor trailed off. “How is this possible?”

She smiled and motioned for the gaurds to leave them. They agreed and their method of saying goodbye was a beautiful thing really. Helblindi would hold his hand like a handshake, but pulled his forward to press a kiss against the back of the hand and then the other man would pull hers back towards himself to press a kiss against hers. She did the same with the other gaurd. They left soon thereafter.

“Which leads me to the next point and to what I believe you have come for.” Helblindi began. “Loki.”

For a brief moment, he imagined Loki coming out from a hut and dressed in their clothing and graceful and majestic like he always was, but it didn’t happen like that. Instead, Helblindi’s face soured and she looked just a bit crestfallen. Something had happened.

“When he came to us, he was beaten and bloody. We found him in the snow with very little blood in his body. He was horribly injured.” She admitted. “I had been the one to find him and when I grabbed him, I knew he and I shared the same blood.”

Natasha breathed slowly, noticeably curious. “How?” She seemed to be the only one who was able to quickly compose themselves after the knowledge that Loki had arrived here seemingly worse for wear.

“His markings.” Thor muttered under his breath. “I admit, I’ve never seen him as he truly is, but from what I know, every family or clan bears the same marks. That’s how you knew correct?”

She waved a hand at their expectant expressions. “Yes. Regardless though, be it pity or anger, he told me everything. Perhaps he thought I could relieve him of his sins or guilt, but it was to no avail. I was angry, but I could not kill him. I wanted to, but he looked so much like my mother when I had touched him and his skin had turned like ours and his markings were of my father’s.” Helblindi cleared her throat. “He was badly injured, but not gravely so. He would live, but I could see he did not care to.”

At this, she turned to them and sent another, indiscreet look at Tony. He felt uncomfortably bare as she trailed her eyes down to his arc reactor. Her lips twitched. With a small hand motion, an object appeared in her hands. He knew, without seeing it beforehand, that it was the Casket of Winters.

Thor inhaled sharply.

“He gave me this in exchange for peace and solitary. He intended to die in the snow, but,” She raised a hand up to stop any assumptions when Thor stepped forward in desperation and Tony tried to quell the sinking feeling in his chest. “Let me finish. He did not. I left him yes, but he had given me the key to saving my planet and I would honor my brother’s only request of me. It did not mean that I couldn’t send another word out in my stead.”

Her grin tore up in a mischievous manner and there was a dangerous gleam in her eyes. The expression was so like Loki that he almost couldn’t hide the tug on his own lips. He wasn’t the only one who saw too as Thor let out a small and almost fond huff. He could see Loki in her.

“So did someone come?” Tony asked, his voice evidently relieved breathy. He hadn’t realized just how much all of this had affected him and wincing as soon as Thor shot him a questioning glance. There was no valid reason he should sound this relieved.

“Of course.” She nodded and in another gesture of her hands, the casket disappeared. “A young woman and a young man. They came asking once they heard word and disappeared soon after. I did not ask for names, but I knew that they were genuine in their goal to help him. I returned to the spot I had left my brother and I did not feel death lingering in the area. He left with them. Neither the two strangers nor my brother Loki remain here. If they did, I would know.”

Thor hummed disdainfully. “Can you describe them?”

“I was not privy to them. I never saw them myself.” Helblindi’s mouthed pulled downwards apologetically. “But from what I have gathered, they were both dark haired, fair-skinned, and beautiful to say the least.”

“What were they?” Thor frowned.

“Their aura was not of Alfheim, nor of Asgard. If I had to pick, it felt more like they were closer to Midgard, but _more_.” She seemed conflicted. “That is what I have heard, but my people know very little of what lies in the other Realms, but my thoughts are either, they were of Vanaheim or mixed bloods. I can not be certain without having seen them myself, but it is simply speculation.”

Thor hummed. “A pity.”

His eyes narrowed in thought, but there was something in his eyes. It made him wonder if Thor knew exactly who had come to pick up Loki, but his expression seemed unsure. Perhaps he had an idea of who it was, but eventually his face slackened and he shook his head. Perhaps he _didn’t_ know.

Regardless, he still had to be on Jötunheim. It didn’t seem like there were any ships to travel off the planet, but there was the bifrost too and if Heimdall had sent them elsewhere, then he must’ve mentioned something. But he trusted Helblindi’s words and she didn’t seem like one to lie, but then again, neither had Rogers and here they were.

Still, the way things were sounding, it seemed like Loki hiding away with those two strangers nearby may not be the case. They might not even be on this same planet. But if that was a fact, then they had no leads or the slightest idea of where Loki might be. Heimdall himself had said he couldn’t see Loki.

God fucking dammit. Just his luck.

There was a bitter feeling of restlessness gnawing at him and he could definitely feel dissapointment with deep familiarity. Of course Loki wouldn’t be here. It would have been too easy. But maybe it was for the better. This, slight, obsession with Loki would have brought nothing good. Worst case scenario, he would’ve slipped and said something that this Loki didn’t know or wasn’t true and be suited for it. But frankly, he wasn’t even sure in his own ability to _not_ completely envelop him in a hug- platonic of course- out of relief for all the time he had spent with Loki in his dreams and all the work he put for him outside of them.

Yeah this was good. Well, not good because this was actually bad. They would have to spend more time to look for him and this was time they did not have. They have nothing on Thanos, they don’t even know how powerful he was, if he was on his way here, and Skadi could not give anything really worth anything other than he was dangerous. And they knew he was. Thor had said it himself when he spoke about the infinity stones and the trial on Asgard only cemented that fact.

They were way over their heads.

But he could see the positive in this. It meant that Loki wasn’t kept prisoner or mistreated here and his nightmares of Loki being tortured were greatly exaggerated. Nevermind the two coincidences. They were just that. A coincidence. And Loki was safe.

Besides, this prolonged time before meeting the real Loki would surely give him the space he needed to distance himself emotionally, as well as mentally, from the guy. He had been so submersed into him, so desperate for anything that had to do with him that it was starting to become evident. Thor himself had told him to stop having an infatuation with his brother and frankly, even if he was joking or messing around, it was painfully true.

Loki was under his skin. They had opened up to one another, spoken terrible secrets and allowed themselves to hurt over things long past. Tony had told him, looked into his green eyes, things he hadn’t ever told anyone else. Things he hadn’t even told Rhodey.

He had talked about Howard, about what he _really_ did to him as a child after so many years of staying quiet because Stark men were made of _iron_. They didn’t bleed, they didn’t cry, they weren’t weak and Tony couldn’t afford to be weak.

And fuck. Loki had talked about his family, had shared the same lluluby he sang to his kids, had opened up about the pearls in the bracelets he had gifted- but even without what his dream Loki had said, Tony knew Loki as the mischievous and soft hearted child from Skadi’s stories. He knew the devoted brother that Thor once had from the very few things Thor would let slip. He knew Loki.

But he didn’t know the real one.

When all was said and done, they really had nothing else to do on Jötunheim. They had come for Loki and left with nothing.

Helblindi was kind to them and although she still held a lot of resentment towards Thor and even for Loki, she didn’t let that impede her attempts at being diplomatic. She mentioned that she had hoped that Odin would allow them to remain in peace considering their numbers were very little and the Casket had belonged to Asgard for so long, but it was a small chance that they would. Regardless, she extended her arms to them in an open gesture and told Thor that unless she gave strict permission, Thor and Loki were not allowed to return.

“My people must know peace and moving from the past, we must push away both of you as well. We will not forget, make no mistake, but we will learn to move on. Perhaps in the future, Asgard and Jötunheim will be allies, but for now, farewell.” She then had turned to both he and Natasha. “Although you both have been rather interesting and insightful, I am afraid I will have to ask that you do not return. We are in a delicate state and we must learn to depend on ourselves without other parties interfering. We will be allies, should you need it, but nothing more.”

“No biggie.” Tony said. “We didn’t do a lot, just kinda stood around and look pretty. But,” He said, looking over at Thor. “I think you would’ve been fine without us. Thank you though.”

Helblindi smiled. “Oh by Ymir, you both are adorable.” She said and didn’t look all that apologetic. Sure he reached just above her naval, but he wasn’t short enough to be considered _cute_. Whatever.

“Heimdall.” Thor called out.

In a blur of bright lights, they stood before Asgard without Loki once more.

Tony looked up at Heimdall, the question on his tongue, but not voicing it. It was a long shot, but he still tried. Perhaps Heimdall could read minds in addition to seeing everything or his expression was obvious enough that he already knew the question before it had been spoken. Heimdall’s lips pulled into a thin line and shook his head. He didn’t know where Loki was either. Back to square one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like Helblindi’s character and I tried so hard to make her as different to Skadi as possible. Skadi, while brash and blunt, doesn’t have a lot of compassion for others than her immediate group of people she cares about. Helblindi on the other hand, is a young woman who had been forced to deal with the pain of her people and forced to lock away her anger for her people. Still, she’s sweet, overly empathetic and maybe even a bit on the softer side that would go away in time with more experience of ruling. I don’t have any plans of bringing her back into the story, but that may always change depending on how you guys like her and on how the story goes. Thank you for reading as always!


	13. At His Fingertips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After so much time and planning, Loki finally takes his chance at freedom. There’s so many things that could go wrong, but he was confident that he could escape. He still had so much he wanted to see, do, experience before his death and he wasn’t going to do all of that trapped here. When the time comes, he will run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *graphic depictions of torture and body dysphoria*

He had memorized their routine. An hour, one guard; three hours, rotation; one hour, two gaurds; day one, day two, day three. So forth. Then when it struck the sixty-third hour, it was sanitation day. The numbers varied on that day, but that was the highest number of gaurds per his own calculations. Day three, the playroom. There was a lot more factors and little details, but those he had memorized completely were the important ones.

So on the guard rotation, just before the trip to the playroom, he put his plan to play.

When the guards rotated and his personal guard handed him off to the next one, he would be as submissive as ever. The guard would be lulled by a sense of security and then Loki would use that to attack. One quick move, he would use the chains to choke him out. Silent, quick, and effective.

After finding the keys on his body, he would unchain himself and hide the guard. That way, it wouldn’t draw suspicion and give him extra time before they found out what had happened. Then, just by sneaking about, he would eventually stumble onto the Bay Area, sneak onto a ship and get to safety. He knew it would be guarded, but he supposed he would figure it out as time came.

He was lucky there weren’t any cameras or such things, or else he wouldn’t even be able to attack the guard to free himself in the first place.

He was thinking a diversion or just wait things out for an opening. Acting too hasty could get him caught.

For now, he waited.

The guard, the sadistic one who just loved to torment him outside of his ‘research’ sessions, came in. He wasn’t even Chitauri. He had realized it one day when his features just didn’t match up to the other’s. With dark blown out irises, humanoid in shape, and a sunken look as his skin seemed to stretch over his muscles rather than have soft fat like other species he’s seen, it wasn’t hard to see him as distinct from the others. He was evidently not Chitauri.

The Chitauri were mindless beasts with no real sense of satisfaction or desire, but him? He was rotten and loved to torment anything for his amusement. The same ruthless and toothy smile on his face taunted him. He had come to know that he wasn’t actually supposed to break and shatter his knee before dragging him to the room, but he did so every time for his own entertainment.

“You can break the shackles, but this is much more reliable.” He had mentioned once. He would make sure Loki wouldn’t be able to run far.

Loki cursed as he looked at his own knee. The healing process couldn’t heal everything and Seidr always came with a cost. He may walk on this leg again, but the scarring from ripped tissue and bones tearing through his skin grew worse and worse everytime.

It was with horrible realization that it dawned on him. The constant injury inflicted on his leg would scar horrifically if he could even walk normally at all. Just one more thing they had given him.

“Fuck. Fuck!” He grit his teeth and clenched his fingers tightly, burrowing his nails into his leg and refused to look at the hideous sight. The frustration was definitely there and overpowering. He was helpless to anything they wanted to do to him and he was left bearing more of their marks.

The strange signature that belonged to the Other was still engraved on his side and he’s refused to look at it or acknowledge it’s presence since the moment it had been engraved into him. But this- this damage on his leg could not be ignored. It would be there with every step, with every glance downwards and he would know that he bore that scar.

The world around turned blurry and it was mainly pride that he forced himself not to cry, but it was easier said than done. There was no honor in this scar. There was no courageous battle telling this story, only tales of weakness and vulnerability. Just another thing to be hated about himself.

But as much as he loathed himself and wallowed in self-pity, he detested that guard even more.

He fantasized about tearing him to shreds, tormenting him over and over and forcing him to bare witness to the horrors he himself had gone through. Every bone shattered, every muscle torn, every organ removed or misplaced. Loki would fantasize about spending hours stripping away at that beast’s skin, making his own macabre rug. His limbs would be fed to the wolves and he would watch as they ripped him apart and feel satisfied that the only remains of his captor would be nothing, but shit.

Everything about the gaurd was revolting. Everything from the way he found pleasure in the horrendous injuries inflicted on him to the way he expressed such soft and affectionate displays towards him like he knew what it was like to have soft emotions. It felt horrible, it felt revolting. He felt owned. Fed like a babe and played like a toy, he was not his own person. Not with him.

Norns, he just wanted to slip away to his own mind. Perhaps even run through his memories and allow the send of nostalgia to wash over him.

He sighed aloud.

There was no one to lie to, but himself and that was exactly was he doing. Whilst he did want to go back into his own world, free from pain and despair, he really just wanted to see Tony.

There was never a dull moment with that one. It was reassuring to have him there which was why Loki was certain he was losing it. He had never fleshed out a person so well to the point where he could feel his body heat from inches away, had never given the voices in his head a real body, or clung to a hallucination so tightly. Tony had come like a breath of invigorated life. A sense of peace and comfort during these moments.

Tony, admittedly, was a pest. Nosy, blunt, snarky, maybe even a little annoying, but he was the perfect person for conversations with someone like himself. He had let himself be dragged along for the ride with no regard of what that might mean. He had let himself be swept away. He had let it happen.

He was desperate for the friend he had made and desperate for the comfort he could provide. It was every time that he was ripped out and brought here that his resolve shattered more and more passing moment. He was letting himself believe in him and thing was, he didn’t want to stop.

Which was why, it had to be now.

Now before things grew worse and before he developed an unhealthy infatuation with a man who surely hated everything that he is and did. And most importantly, before he gave up and let it consume him.

He wasn’t sure when the schedule would perfectly align again like this, so he had no choice, but now. He couldn’t stand another bout of torture. He could feel his strength slipping away more and more each time. He found himself slipping into a state of despair that the guard found so much fun in.

He bore his teeth at him and the guard trembled with barely suppressed glee.

When he caught the man’s eye, he felt himself slipping into that disassociated state of mind again. The pain was still there when his knee was shattered, the left one this time because, “It’s my job to make sure you don’t get to bored at the same old routine.” Or at least that’s what he had said.

It was when he was dragged to his feet and shoved forward that he snapped out of it. Ten seconds, he counted down. They turned the corridor. Seven seconds. The other guard should be making its way down… now. The other one, noticeably weaker and more trusting made its way down. Five seconds, the rotation was made quickly as the smaller Chitauri took over for his personal guard.

With a small sigh and lamenting coo, the beast slid his hand down the side of his face to which Loki tried to bite off. There was an amused noise and he started to walk away at the other’s insistance.

Soon, he was being pulled along in chains by the new guard. There was no denying the anxieties welling up within him. Twisting and churning in his gut, he felt saliva fill up his mouth, but knew that there was nothing in his stomach to throw up. His hands shook with nervousness even if his face was calm and composed. He just hoped that the guard would mistake his nerves for unwillingness to go into the playroom. Well, that wasn’t exactly an act either though. The playroom was the absolute worst.

Loki followed silently behind, watching the quick pace of the other’s steps and observing the way it moved it’s head occasionally to look around. It was bored and so that meant that it was distracted; lured by a false sense of safety without knowing that this time, Loki wasn’t about to let himself be taken to that room.

This Chitauri’s life was numbered and it’s moment of reaping was nearing soon.

Three seconds.

They made their way down the corridor. Vacant of anyone else.

Two.

Loki lightly twisted his hands around the chains on his wrists. The sound of clinking metal echoed briefly. His hands turned clammy.

One.

Shifting his weight onto his right leg, he pulled the chains back and let his weight do the rest. As a result, the guard was launched backwards at him, too distracted and weakened by it’s own assurance of a pliable captive to have properly prepared itself. But he couldn’t allow the other to regain it’s bearings and everything had to be quick and meticulous. The guard was already stronger, well-fed, and healthy for the most part and it had that advantage over Loki, so when the guard was yanked backwards, he stepped to the side to avoid colliding with him.

Using that motion, Loki twisted around and effectively managed to wrap chains around the guard’s torso, but he miscalculated and missed it’s throat. It was supposed to be quick and easy, snap his neck or strangle him with the shackles, but this mistake could be fatal.

Loki was still attached to the end of the chains and there was only so much length to it. He was yanked forwards by his sore wrists and fell atop the guard.

He let out a pained yelp as he fell on his left knee. In his peripheral, the guard was trying to untangle itself, but it’s movements were sluggish as though it’s head had been struck. Perhaps it was.

Perfect, the dazed and slowed reflexes allowed for time to correct the situation. He could still carry out his plan.

It was with more desperation than he would’ve liked that Loki rolled over, tugging the guard to him and using the weight to swing himself behind the guard with it’s back to him. The position had the Chitauri’s neck wide open and vulnerable and he wasted no time in wrapping the rest of chains around his neck a few times.

With all his strength, which wasn’t all that much to begin with, he wrenched himself back, using his weight and feet planted onto the ground to tighten the metaphorical noose around it’s neck.

The guard gasped and struggled. Trying desperately to throw him off, but the efforts had the chains around his neck growing tighter. It was by the soundless gasps and whispers that Loki knew exactly how much it’s lungs were burning now and how dizzy the world was turning. The sound made Loki’s stomach churn, so he tuned it out.

Morbidly curious, he wondered if he, himself, sounded like that when it was him on the other side.

Eventually, the guard stopped his flailing and turned completely still.

Loki slumped over, exhausted already and disgusted at the sweat that rolled down his dirty face.

He had long since gotten over the feeling of disgust over his own appearance. He had to because paying attention to it would just make him feel even more uncomfortable with his skin than he already was. The only good thing about the playroom was that they would clean him thoroughly before prodding and poking him. Couldn’t have such a dirty specimen ruining their experiments.

Of course though, after they were finished and stitched him back up to some semblance of who he was, they’d leave him with his own fluids, ripped tissue, broken and shattered bones all over himself until the next time they’d take him. That was indeed the worst feeling. To have to bear with his own dried blood and fight the urge to throw up every time something that looked like a piece of his own flesh fell from his hair when he’d run his hands through them.

The key.

He focused back to the present moment.

The guard had to have a key on it to get rid of the cuffs. With some difficulty to untangle himself and carefully maneuver over to the side, his hands ran over the guard. His hands were horribly shaky and almost numb so feeling around was harder than he expected. With a curse, he grit his teeth. There was no time to waste. Another guard should be making their way down and would see him if he wasn’t quick. He had already lost so much time as it was.

There was cool metal against his fingertips.

Aha! He lifted up the weirdly curved key that he recognized well. If he hadn’t paid attention, he would have completely glossed over it, but perhaps things were looking up for him. Fumbling around, he heard a click as it was inserted and then heard a loud sound as he twisted it. The cuffs fell onto the body with a soft thump.

And for some reason, he glanced over at the boot-like shoes the thing was wearing and then to his blistered feet. It would save him some pain than just walking barefoot. As quick as he could, he removed them from the dead body- it didn’t need them anymore- and slipped them on. They were far too tight and way too uncomfortable, but he had to make do.

Alright, ten seconds, before the next guard. He could already hear it’s footsteps down the hall already. He wanted to hide the body properly and give him some time before being discovered, but now there would be no time to do it well. He could waste a few extra seconds by dragging it over to the small gap between in the wall. It’d be obvious, but not until the guard was walking by it, which was a better choice than leaving the body in the open so that it could spot it the moment they turned the corner.

Eight seconds. The plan was easier said than done. He just hoped he wasn’t making a lot of noise, but biting his lip to stop himself from whimpering at the strain in his broken knee could only do so much. Six seconds. The body was there, but it wasn’t exactly subtle either. He shoved him into the wall as best he could and threw his limbs over himself. Four seconds.

He stood up. It… could be worse, he noted as he glanced over the body. At least it wasn’t that noticeable. He had to leave now though. He limped over to the opposite hall just as he heard steps round the corner.

Norns, the luck. Well, from here, he had no knowledge of the layout nor of where the other gaurds would be. Frankly, he’d like to see who was in charge of them. Perhaps he could even inflict every vile thing that was done to him on them, but he didn’t even know if he could get out first, let alone go find them.

There was a loud proclamation and Loki just knew that the body had been found. A few seconds later, the lights dimmed and a red hue of the alarm lit up the halls. It was eery and terrifying, but he would never admit that. He hid in small rooms, kept quiet and still until he was sure he was alone. Once he was assured that he was alright, he traversed and even crawled like an animal to get from one place to the other. It was slow, but it was going well.

He lightly looked over the writings on the wall. If only he could read the writing. Having Frigga’s Allspeak would have been marvelous, but that took too much power and Seidr that he didn’t have. Besides, it was too unreliable.

They were looking for him, that much he was sure. He had to get out somehow and figure out where exactly he was. Though he was certain that they were still on the ship.

Once he found a pod or anything to escape in, somehow managed to evade their sights, and found a safe place, _then_ he could begin to worry about where he was and how to get back.

He paused in his thoughts and in his step.

There was nowhere for him to go. Asgard was locked off from him and it was just a place with horrible memories by now. He would have returned for his mother, but she was gone as well. And Thor… well, that whole relationship has crashed and burned. His heart ached like it always did whenever he thought of him. When all was said and done, he shouldn’t be so surprised that things had turned out the way they had.

It just seemed so silly now. That after all this time, that after so many centuries, that it took so little and yet so much for the bond between them to break. It had always been so fickle from the beginning if he was being honest, and yet it was stubborn too. Thor and he were two threads that strayed from one another further than necessary, but they always led back to the same place. There were rips and knots in their strings, but they remained there as a constant.

Why was it that now that he was alone, he didn’t want to be? They pushed and pulled at one another, they fought with teeth and claws, and they’d care for each other with awkward hugs and promises to protect one another because it was _their_ duty as brothers. Odin’s beard they were stupid. Loki had both confided in Thor and not at the same time. He’d find comfort in his hugs, but not enough to bare his tears and insecurities.

Well he lost track. But still, where would he go from here if he escaped by some miracle?

Midgard hated him, and although he would have wanted to go back and live in an area closed off and surrounded by nature just like before with Angrboda, it wouldn’t be permanent. He was sure he’d be found sooner or later. But Tony was there. Not the same one he knew though, so it was better to just keep away alltogether.

Hel was closed off to him too, so going to see two of his children was out of the picture. Jötunheim wasn’t even a question. Niflheim was a cold and deserted wasteland and he much preferred not freezing to death. The dwarves on Svartálfheim wanted his head for a trick he had pulled as a child, and Muspelheim was horribly hot.

The list of places he could go was quickly dwindling.

He could go to Alfheim, but living in a place knowing that Skadi once resided there and now she was most likely dead on Thanos’ ship would eat away at him. No he couldn’t. It felt wrong that he of all people live there, a free man when Skadi was not.

No he had to keep moving, he could hear loud shouts in the distance as they grew near. He limped over to the wall and then pressed completely up against it and stood still. Hidden away in the darkness, he went unnoticed as those armored beasts ran by the hallway he was hidden in, presumably shouting orders with that sharp language of theirs.

The adrenaline ran through his veins. He felt more awake now. He backed up and kept limping, hoping to find anything that resembled a pod bay.

He felt a dry laugh rumble from his lips. Such confidence. He was half certain it was his own mind trying to convince himself that he will find a way out. Loki sighed. What were his odds? He had no Seidr, no illusions, he was malnourished and weak, and he was trapped in a ship who knows where with gaurds trying to torture him vehemently.

Well at the very least he wasn’t pumped full of drugs like those other prisoners. When he saw them, and exceedingly rare might he add, passing by one another as they were being hauled off to a playroom, he could see the madness and desperation in their eyes. Bloodshot and sunken eyes, pale and gaunt looking, and looking about with a paranoia that rivaled his own. They talk so much about nothing and everything, spewing words that made no sense in a sentence and then the begging and pleading for more and more.

Sometimes he envied them. They had lost their mind and were so blissfully unaware of past pain and tortures. Whether it be sheer stubbornness that Loki still remained sane, or just luck that he wasn’t drugged as much as them, either way, he was so keenly self aware of the pain he was subjected to.

But he was aware of his sanity and was grateful for it. He needed to have some semblance of control in his life. Something that, frankly, he hasn’t had since he had learned of what that was. He wanted to see Skadi again, but he wanted to his children most of all. He wanted to hold Hela and Fenrir in his arms again, he wanted to find Jor wherever he was and tell him how proud he was of him, and he wanted to see Sliepner on…

Ah.

He knew where he could go after he escaped. How could he forget? Vanaheim. Sliepner was there and now, Loki could actually do something to help him. He had the knowledge. He could revert Sliepner back into the young man he would be now. He knew of greater powers that lied with the infinity stones, he knew of the darker magic that surrounded Thanos. He would risk _everything_ to finally help Sliepner.

So that’s where he could go after. Even if he couldn’t see his other children, well, at least the ones that still lived, then he could have Sliepner. But just once, he would go and see Tony to cement it in his own mind that Tony was not the same one who seemed to somewhat enjoy his company. To assure himself that the Tony of his mind wasn’t real and to stop his own desire to befriend the man. A feeling he hadn’t quite experienced in such a long time.

Oh, but how his heart sang with joy and hope once he had a semblance of a plan for after this. It wasn’t much, but it gave him a hope he could cling to only for it to be squandered just as quick.

He stopped in his tracks, but this time, not by his own accord. It was a dead end with few crates and nothing else.

He cursed. No point in thinking too hard about it. The alarm was still going off and if he wasn’t quick, he could be cornered here and he had put so much work already into this. He would go mad if he stayed another second. At least now he knew. There was very little left for him to look in. Any of the next corridors had to hold the pod bay.

Loki turned right around and limped around the corner before freezing. His heart dropped low into his stomach. There was that damned guard at the end of the hall, but Loki recognized him well enough to know it was the same one that seemed to have such an unusual interest in him, walking and swaying from side to side. Taut pale skin, bony fingers, and even more hideous than the other Chitauri, how could he not recognize him? He was humming a tune to himself and seemed to be waiting, just moving about without a care in the world. His back was facing Loki.

Quickly, he leapt back and pressed his back against the wall, but in his panic, his shoes squeaked on the floor. Oh Norns. He looked up and swallowed. There was no way he hadn’t heard that.

The guard’s footsteps came to an abrupt stop.

“Loki.” The man purred. “Come on now, you know I’ve already won this little game you’re playing.”

Then he could hear his footsteps change direction. Towards him. The sound was slow and almost mocking. The heavy footsteps echoed and rattled him to the core. There was no where for him to go, it was a dead end. He would be discovered here.

No, not like this. Loki bit his lip and felt a bead of sweat roll down his neck. He had just told himself he’d find Sliepner on Vanaheim again. It was so cruel and just like the Norns to give him a sliver of hope and then rip it a moment later.

Fighting was outside of the question too. His body was worn and weak, his limbs failed to comply and his was delirious from bloodloss. Oh Norns, he was afraid. It felt like his heart would pound out from his chest.

The guard began scraping his weapon either against the wall or dragging it on the floor once more and the sound hurt his ears horribly. The vibrations had him trembling even more. The guard laughed as if he knew exactly what that noise did to him. Loki was panicking.

“Does it feel good?” He whispered. “Do you feel alive?” The words were smooth and sharp like a razor. God, he hated his voice. He was so tormented by it and yet he had to restrain himself from covering his ears like a child. If he did, he wouldn’t hear him coming. “I find that you feel the most alive when you’re just on the edge of death. Your blood pumps quicker, you’re highly aware of every part of your body, the adrenaline is like a shot of drugs. It’s wonderful isn’t it?”

With a silent curse, Loki kicked off his shoes and picked them up. His bare feet would be much quieter, but with who knows what was on the floor, it was bound to be more painful. He stepped back and around the corner he had passed, trying to put as much distance between them. Now though, he had completely cornered himself. Loki looked about frantically, trying to figure out anything he could do and then from the corner of his eye, there was something.

A few moderate sized crates, that he had no care for before, leaned against the wall and nothing else. A dead end and an obvious place to hide. Regardless, a few more seconds of thinking things through was all he had and he would be a fool not to take them. Trying to make as little noise as possible, he ran to them and cringed at the slightest sound they made. Like a small child, he crouched behind them and listened to his own shaky and heavy breathing.

“Come now Loki. It’s just you and I.” Whiny and annoying, he spoke as though he had been refused a toy. By all means, Loki basically was. “People will die, move on, or change. In the end, you’ll always be alone. But not me. I’m not the type to run away. You’ll never be alone with me. I promise.”

The guard’s low laughter echoed down the hall and his footsteps grew even louder. He was nearly on him, but he had a few extra seconds. Seconds that he would spend terrified and panicked. There was absolutely nothing else. He would die here and everything would have been for naught.

And then there. Right there. Behind the crate and along the wall, something caught his eye once more. The metal was slightly raised and he realized what he was looking at. A small and barely visible vent just big enough to hide his small and frail frame. It had been easily glossed over.

He pushed the crate over to make space and winced at the noise. He fought to find leverage on the vent and tried to ignore the way the corners of the sharp metal had dug under his nails. The throbbing of pain had him wincing, but he bore through it and watched as the blood sluggishly dripped down his fingers and onto the floor. He wiped it away with his clothes. Carefully and painfully, he pried the screen off.

“Loki, Loki, Loki. Oh I love the sound of your name.” Oh Norns, he sounded closer and his footsteps sounded quicker.

The boots were thrown in first. He couldn’t leave anything outside and then practically threw himself legs first into the vent. It was so tight and claustrophobic, his body pressed against each wall, but he would rather do this than fall into his hands. He shimmied down, but his shoulders pressed against the sides of the vent and he whimpered in frustration, feeling the tears squeeze through his closed eyes as he tried to force himself back enough to put the screen on.

“I will fix you up after I’m done, don’t worry. As many times as I need, so you can relive this over and over and over again.” He was running now, panting loudly and laughing with maniac glee.

Slipped in fully, he then pulled rope around the crates. It was heavy, but adrenaline made it quite easy and it was pulled flush against the vent and then he shoved the screen over with much more force than necessary. Submerged in darkness, he put his hands tightly over his mouth, muffling his scared sobs.

It was stuffy, dank, and so cold. The sides pushed on him at all sides and he felt trapped.

The footsteps rounded the corner just a few seconds after. They paused, almost as though he was waiting. There was a clink and then a scrape. The weapon he loved so much, clacked against the wall again and again and again. Each time, growing nearer. He heard him pause once more and then Loki held his breath as though it would help him.

His heart pounded hard and he wondered if the guard could hear it jumping out of his chest. It was so damn loud.

The crates began creaking as they were moved.

He knew. Norns, he knew. He’d be found, he’d be dragged out and ripped apart. The only thing left of him, would be a smear of guts along the wall. It was too tight, too small. He panicked, but held himself perfectly still even if as every nerve in his body shook in hysteria.

There was a loud thump and then a loud curse out of irritation. The man stopped moving about and then Loki heard as the steps got louder and then began to fade as he ran away from him. It worked. He can’t believe it worked.

He stayed frozen in place for a few minutes and then some. Loki would’ve happily stayed in place for an hour or two, just to make sure that it was completely clear, but he spasmed violently. It was too claustrophobic in there and he couldn’t breathe. He pushed against the walls and tried to make them bigger, but rationally he knew he was just panickin. He couldn’t stand one more second and so he pulled the screen off and pushed the crates out of the way.

Like a desperate man, he clawed his way out. There was no one in the hall and no one around the corner. He didn’t allow himself another moment of rest. There’ll be time for it later, but not yet. This was his chance and who knew when he’d get another one. He couldn’t even waste time on retrieving the shoes.

Every warning bell in his head told him to run, but he couldn’t. Not only because it would give away his position, but he physically couldn’t. With a shattered knee and a stab of pain with every movement, he stepped lightly as best he could.

He rounded the corner and then felt something collide with the side of his face. With a loud groan of pain, he fell to the floor on his side and grasped at his jaw. Dislocated. A sharp ringing filled his ears and the world tilted and he had to close his eyes to grab his bearings. Cold floor, sore shoulder, aching face, he spit out the blood that had gathered in his mouth, but his jaw made it difficult so he could feel the blood and spit dribble down his chin. He was dizzy with pain.

As the world slowed to a stop, he saw a pair of legs and looked up to see the same guard leaning against the wall with an almost affectionate smile. Loki’s fresh blood contrasted with the dark crimson that stained his weapon. Not exactly a hammer this time, but something resembling a spear almost. “Oh what have you done to your fingers!” He exclaimed.

Loki glanced down at his fingernails that were still red from prying the vent and to the blood smeared over the floor under his hands. The blood was definitely not from his mouth.

Ah. So that’s how he knew. He must’ve not cleaned up very well and it must’ve stained the rope on the box he had pulled back. The noise that escaped his mouth was pitiful. How careless. He had given himself away and the man in turn had given him false hope. Now that was just cruel.

Go to hell, he wanted to hiss at him, but the words came out like jibberish. It didn’t seem to matter anyways because it seemed like the gaurd understood what he was trying to say perfectly.

The man leaned over and dug his fingers into his jaw sending jolts of pain that had Loki’s eyes tearing up. “Burn with me then?”

As though he had a choice.

_________

The next time Loki woke up, it was chained to that forsaken wall in the cell instead of the garden he had grown accustomed to. There was a familiar burning sensation under his skin and he could feel pressure in his eyes and his nose. Blood. There was something running down his mouth too, saliva or blood, but it was most likely a mix of the two.

The guard was standing over him, smile leery and practically bouncing with excitement.

The air wasn’t as cold, the room wasn’t as dark and his skin felt dry. No it felt like he was burning under his skin. He glanced to his right and felt his world shatter as soon as he caught the color of his arm. Straightening himself forward, he squeezed his eyes shut. The pale color of his skin had turned dark and blue, but there was a familiar sight, one that he hadn’t experienced in ages.

At the tips of his blue fingers, where his black nails resided, there were black veins crawling up his skin and he could find faint traces of the black veins up to mid-palm. Seidr burnout, but he hadn’t been able to use anything so it meant one other thing.

They had turned the Seidr blocking technology as far as it could. Even the most tiniest bit of Seidr had been sucked out of him and now it left him bare and with no illusion covering his skin.

Now he had nothing to hide from that disgusting form he had lurking under his skin and oh was it painful. He couldn’t say how many times he had scratched and scrubbed himself clean in the shower trying to wash away the filth that had lingered beneath it all. He would only stop when his skin turned red and blood seeped out.

His hair was yanked and face roughly grabbed. There was a mirror held in his face. He let out an alarmed yelp and closed his eyes to hide from the truth. The image of red eyes still burned into his vision. Stubbornly, his eyes remained shut. He will not give them the satisfaction of breaking him.

He had made himself a promise to never see himself. Either he was a coward or strong enough to bury it away, but to this day, he had never truly seen what he looked like.

“Look at it! Look at yourself!”

The foul stench of his breath made him gag. Putrid and coppery. It was as though something had died inside him.

“I’d rather die.” He snapped.

His struggles doubled which sent the beast losing his grip and the sound of something shattering echoed in his cell. The mirror had broken. With a furious snarl, the guard slammed his head back into the wall. He couldn’t help the gasp of pain and his eyes widening in shock. Black spots filled his vision and everything was slow and blurry. He was certain he had heard the crack of his skull and definitely felt the throbbing in his head.

The guard’s stupid wide grin rubbed his nerves the wrong way. A mouthful of blood and a less than brilliant idea, he spit in his face. It was by no means a wise move, but the dark amusement he found at the guard’s disgust was definitely worth the pain to come. His own lips curled up into a smug grin.

“Fine.” Said the guard. “If you won’t do it, I guess I’ll have to do the dirty work myself.” His blade was brandished in his bloody hand. He pressed hard onto his skull against the wall, giving Loki no room to move. The thin and sharp edged the knife hung dangerously close to his eyes. “Please do try not to move. I don’t want to make you blind. That would be a whole waste of what I’m trying to accomplish.”

“What are you-!?” As soon as the blade began cutting, his screams and pleads filled the silence. His legs kicked out violently beneath the heavy weight of the man. Heavy streams of tears cascaded down his cheeks. Not out of fear, but an instinctual reaction to the guard’s ministrations. And then he heard screams, such pitiful noises and with a shocking realization, he recognized the voice as his own, felt the words tear from his throat as it spasmed and ached. “Don’t make me see! Don’t make me see! No! No! Father! Please help me, Father!” His pleads tapered off into a keening scream and he forced himself to stop crying out for the one man he swore he never loved. For the man he blamed for everything.

But he was so panicked and his childish heart ached for the hero from his childhood. The one who could save him, to protect him from the outside world, to hold and comfort him. His cries, just like all the others throughout all his life, went unanswered.

It only made sense that out of all of his pain and torture, he only pleaded now when he would be faced with the truth of what he was.

“Stop moving!”

He would much have rather gone blind now. Perhaps even had his eyes stitched shut than this. It wasn’t the pain, it was never about the pain. It was about facing everything he ever was or will be.

He deserved this though. Everything he had ever loved was ripped away from him and now he was beginning to see the truth. It was destiny and the problem just lied within himself. He was too rotten and dark for anything good.

The guard shoved his head away, dissatisfied at how quickly his screaming had died away. “Pathetic.” He slurred.

Loki couldn’t look away. He couldn’t. His eyes were quickly drying, but still sticky with his blood. His vision was tinted in red, but he could not blink the stinging sensation away. He could not hide. Ignorance had truly been his friend, but now, he no longer had that.

A piece of the broken mirror was held up infront of him and this time, he looked straight at it instead of averting his eyes to the side.

Promises are never kept. He had learned that over and over again. Some part of him, though, had held hope that maybe, just _maybe_ this time it would be different.

What stared back at him was all _him_. Blue skin bathed in so much red that he looked violet. His eyes were a dark crimson color that bore into his soul and the bloody mess around his eyes was horrifying as he no longer had eyelids.

_This is you._

All his hideousness and monstrous nature put on display, but that wasn’t even the worst part. Those _things_ sat upon his chest and he was overcome with such a vile hatred in his throat, because that was not supposed to be there. He wanted them ripped off. He wanted them _off_.

This time, the tears that flowed down his cheeks were not instinctual. They had won. They had succeeded in breaking him in ways he could never hope to recover. Everything went numb. He couldn’t feel his fingers or limbs. Every part of him felt simultaneously heavy and as though there was nothing there, but a cold empty feeling that itched in his palms and feet.

He vaguely heard the guard cackling in glee. He kicked the shattered mirror pieces down between his legs, but he could still _see_ himself in the reflection. He could see what he had down there. It was a vulgar sight, to be spread and shown off like the _freak_ that he was as both male and female. His reflection stared right back at him and he could not look away.

He threw up. Bile splattering down over himself and absolutely disgusting. Throat burning, tears rolling down his bloody face and body trembling out of such vile disgust and shock. He couldn’t look away, couldn’t hide from the reality.

No matter how much he had bathed, scrubbed his skin raw and bleeding, this was laying underneath it all. _This_ was what he could never wash away and forever lived with that thought haunting him. A monster, a freak of nature, born _wrong_.

He had never become a monster for a monster he already was. And that was just the burden he had to carry.

You won, Thanos. You won.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter was short, but expect the next one fairly quickly to make up for it. Thanks again for reading!


	14. More A Nightmare Than A Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony has a long awaited talk with Odin about what he’s long suspected since the trial. Odin knew Loki was innocent. Only he didn’t expect to have it confirmed.
> 
> Now that his head is full of Loki and nothing else, he falls asleep. But instead of a dream with Loki, he didn’t expect a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s no torture in this episode or anything graphic to be wary of.

“I asked of you one thing,” Odin spoke clear and calmly, and yet he sounded absolutely furious. His eye was narrowed and dark as he looked down at all three of them. “To bring back Loki from Jötunheim and not only did you return without him-.”

“Father, we-.” Thor began, his voice was both strong and crestfallen, but he snapped his mouth shut as Odin slammed his spear on the ground and growled in an almost animalistic manner at him.

“I am speaking now, boy!” He shouted.

Tony was glad that this wasn’t infront of the whole royal court, but he felt just as scolded by Odin as Thor did. But it wasn’t just him. Natasha looked to be as rattled as he was if the slight tremble of her shoulders was anything to go off of.

And yeah, he’d be an idiot to not feel intimidated by the man infront of him. By the God, he corrected himself. The King of Gods.

“You return without him and you have no knowledge about his whereabouts.” Odin scoffed. “I ask you again, what do you know?”

Tony straightened himself, but kept his posture as casual as he could despite the peircing glare he felt burrowing into his skull. “All we know is that two people, a man and a woman took Loki and that’s it.”

“And you didn’t even ask if he was on Jötunheim or if anyone knew the two people passing through?”

“We asked Queen Helblindi, but that’s all she gave.” He responded.

“And when she didn’t know, you didn’t ask any of the witnesses who claimed they had seen them directly?”

“No, but-.” Tony winced.

“And did you even think to ask for a more detailed description of the two?”

“I-.”

Odin waved his hand and Tony snapped his mouth shut out of irritation. The man was utterly frustrating to work with. He asked questions and then didn’t even let him answer them.

“If you have nothing else to help with, then your presence is no longer required.” He turned to face the doors behind the throne. “Rest for now, tomorrow we shall come to with a course of action. As for the both of you,” He referred to both he and Nat. “You have no place here. You may retire to your guest rooms, but do not expect to be welcomed any more than that.”

“Wait a moment-,” Tony stepped forward and was silenced once again as Odin banged his spear once on the ground and turned away, not even deeming him with enough respect to look at him.

“This has concluded.”

Tony watched in irritation and tried to school his breathing back to normal as Odin descended the steps and gracefully made his way out.

“Come, Tony.” Thor murmured and gripped his shoulder reassuringly. “My father is a stubborn man and he is disappointed at our failure to bring Loki home, so it’s not wise to anger him more.”

“Who said I was wise? And it’s not our fault now is it?” Tony snapped. “And if he wanted Loki back so bad, then he shouldn’t have abandoned him back on Jötunheim in the first place-.”

Natasha slapped a hand over his mouth as Thor hissed and stepped closer. But Thor didn’t hiss out of anger, it was more out of surprise as he sorta shielded his body with his own. Tony widened his eyes in shock at their reactions.

“You idiot, keep your voice down.” She muttered.

“Look around my friend.”

Tony glanced around him and sure enough, there were a few gaurds watching their every move and a few servants peeking here and then. Ah. Shit.

He looked back at Nat and then licked her hand.

“Ugh, you’re so childish.” She groaned in disgust as she wiped his spit over his shirt.

Thor pushed them both to the exit and glanced over his shoulder. “Listen Tony. I understand, I’m furious too, but while I may agree with you, you’re Midgardian and my people will not be so happy to have a ‘lowly being’ as yourself insult our King.” He sighed out the last words with a hint of a bite and put his hands down after making the air quoting gesture.

“Lowly?” Natasha asked, looking rather affronted.

“I apologize, but that is the truth.” Thor winced. “To my people it is, even though it’s absolute nonsense.” He rolled his eyes just a bit at that. “We simply live longer and are a bit more durable, but we are not that different. But we Aesir are nothing, if not prideful.”

And it made sense. Living in such riches and with a hero complex would do that to people. When Tony first met Thor, he remembered Thor’s occasional comments about humans and they weren’t exactly the nicest of compliments. Now Thor was respectful and open to different customs, as strange as they may be to him. He’s almost a totally different person from a few years ago..

The only thing that distanced Thor from the other Aesir was that Thor had been exposed to life on Earth for quite a while now. He had lived and thrived with them to the point that Tony could sit down with him and have a conversation about anything and Thor would follow along easily enough. The people here didn’t have that sort of opportunity.

And when people didn’t understand, that sentiment of dislike only grows over time. It happened with the Jötnar and it had happened with Earth. The Asgardians simply saw themselves as the superior race.

That didn’t mean he was going to take that ignorant idealism though. He had questions, and damn him if he was going to stay quiet just because Asgard thought he was insignificant.

“We shall speak more in the morning.” Thor murmured.

Natasha sighed in disdain. “Yeah, it’s been quite eventful.”

“I shall show you to your rooms.” Thor held out his hand behind Natasha as he coaxed her softly down the hall. She thanked him with a smile.

Tony hesitated. It wasn’t too long until they realized that he wasn’t following them and both quickly turned in his direction. They both wore a face of confusion before turning unapproving as the silence drawled out. He stuck his hands in his pockets with a slow grin.

“Tony…” Thor grumbled. “If you’re planning on doing what I think you’re going to do-.”

“I just have a few questions,” Tony pointed over his shoulder behind him and towards the throne room. “And it won’t take too long-.”

“Have you thought this through at all-?” Natasha asked in a knowing way that he didn’t think too hard on.

“-So I’ll just meet you there after.” Tony stepped back and turned to jog back to the room. “Same room as before right?” He said over his shoulder.

Thor sighed and looked up to the ceiling. “Yes, but I don’t think-.”

“Then don’t. I got it.” Tony threw a peace sign and pushed hard against the doors until he slipped in, happily ignoring whatever Thor and Natasha were trying to say. Though, if they really were trying to stop him then they would’ve put up a bigger fight. Either they wanted him to talk to Odin more or Thor had faith that his father probably wouldn’t kill Tony if things got a bit out of hand and Natasha just trusted Thor’s judgement.

The throne room was empty and lucky for him , there was no gaurds. His steps echoed obnoxiously loud and he took his time analyzing everything that he couldn’t before. The courtroom was nothing like this. This place screamed glory and royalty. Designs decorated the majestic pillars and the floor looked glossy and a bit scratched with use. On the ceiling above the throne was a collection of paintings.

The paintings depicted a benevolent king and at his side, a strong and beautiful woman with a kind, but stern expression. Queen Frigga. He had heard quite a bit of her. Loki had mentioned her quite a few times and now that he was looking at the painting he could see the softness of her smile, could imagine the charming nature of her laugh, and he could even envision her warm hugs and reassuring touch.

Loki was, as ever, quite descriptive in his words so it wasn’t too hard to imagine it. He wondered if any of what he had heard was true. Thor barely talked about his mother, simply because it was still too fresh on his mind, but Loki talked about her. A lot. He could almost remember the woman by everything Loki had said, but it was exactly that point that he hits a wall. It was Loki. So as far as Tony knew, the Queen could be the exact opposite of what he knew and has heard.

He glanced over at the other figures painted there. Thor looked rather arrogant with a golden glow to him and almost intimidating with Mjolnir by his side. Unlike him, Loki was shrouded in darkness and a mischievous expression that really did no favors. He was also distanced somewhat from the others. Not that he was painted far from his family, but it was strange, like the painter had made Loki to stand out, to look like he wasn’t really a part of it. He was distanced.

He wondered what it meant. No, he knew what it meant, but he wasn’t going to even think about it.

He shook his head and jogged up to the door that he saw Odin slip past.

Pressing hard against the door, because of fucking course they had to weigh a ton, he managed to open it. He squeezed past and let it shut with a loud groan. Turning around, he saw Odin walk around the corner at the end of the hall. No gaurds or other servants seemed to be in the area which he thought odd and frankly strange. Shouldn’t there be at least some gaurds protecting their king?

“Wait!” Tony called out. There was no way the old man hadn’t heard him and yet Odin didn’t even glance in his direction. He just continued until he rounded the corner and out from sight. He muttered under his breath and ran after him. What he saw as he came to the end of the hall made him pause and falter in his step. He came to a stop ungraciously, but luckily caught his footing.

Odin stood before a large and arched window, hands crossed behind his back and posture straight and intimidating. He stood tall, full of pride and a collectedness that looked awfully similar to how Howard held himself. His heavy cape shifted with the breeze that flew in from the window, the scent of water against rocks came along with it.

He couldn’t have been waiting for Tony, but still he took a few steps to join the other man. Tony looked out from the window Odin still hadn’t torn away from. The view consisted of the town below, bustling with people and of a vast forest and large looming mountains.

“You converse to me too informally.” Odin spoke, still not facing him. His tone was neither irritated nor a threatening one. It was just… neutral, like he was stating a fact rather than trying to correct him.

Perhaps he found no offense to it or perhaps he simply thought he, as a human, wasn’t worth it. After all, Tony’s life was probably just a blink of an eye for him. He’d be gone within another one too.

But to be fair, yeah, he did speak to him inappropriately.

“Loki.” He simply said. The name caught in his throat for a brief second, but he hoped that Odin hadn’t noticed his momentary lapse.

Odin stood still for a few quiet seconds and then sighed. It was a soft and yet weary sigh. One that had his shoulders slumping down minutely and head not held so high. He rubbed his eye with a calloused hand and then pressed his fingers against the edges of the black patch he wore over the other one. It was almost like he was making sure it was still on.

Without any words or a sign that meant Odin had heard him, the sigh was enough. It was everything he needed to know and he was certain Odin knew this as well.

“You knew.” Tony couldn’t recognize his own voice at how breathy and stunned it sounded. “I had my doubts,” He managed out, blinking fast and feeling his shoulders twitch and hunch forward of their own accord. “You seemed so collected, too collected back during the trial, and you didn’t seem shocked at all.”

Of course he was just going off on the assumption that Odin was so good at keeping poker faces that he hadn’t actually imagined that it would be the case. But as always, he was proven wrong. Or in other words, his initial suspicions were right and he had never been wrong in the first place.

Odin didn’t even deny it, just held himself as composed as ever, but he looked tired all the same.

God he hated being right all the time.

“How?” Tony tan a hand down his face. “No. More importantly, why?” And he was furious and knew that getting upset and losing his patience with the King was probably a bad idea, but he’s never exactly prided himself on self-control. “Why’d you let your son take the fall when you knew he didn’t do it?”

Odin spoke, clear and blunt. “I had no other choice.”

“Bullshit.”

Odin roared with barely restrained anger and turned to him. His posture was dangerous, threatening, and the air crackled with intensity that Tony found it hard to breathe. “You dare speak to me in such a manner? You? A mere Midgardian?” In his hand, he gripped at his spear until his knuckles turned white.

He could see where Loki and Thor got that ‘mortals are insignificant’ mindset from. The thought came quick and at such an inappropriate moment that he almost barked with laughter. Almost.

But now, standing before Odin, he understood why there were no gaurds to protect him. It was because the King didn’t need to be protected. Tony could feel the power in the air, the intensity of it hitting him in waves and his body felt constricted like the air had gone thin. He had half a mind to wonder if Jarvis would be able to get any readings because that was absolutely phenomenal and he had to study it more in depth.

Tony raised his hands in a placating, if a bit sarcastic, manner. “I’m not tryna offend you, your highness. I really am not.” Odin seemed to simmer down a bit. “But-,” And then his hackles raised again with a snarl. “You’re the King. The all-powerful King of the Gods and what not.” He could see Odin’s eye twitch in annoyance. “Your voice is final here. You always have a choice. Or is your power not as unlimited as you want us to believe?”

Which he knew for a fact it wasn’t. He and Loki had talked so much in depth about Seidr that he had an idea of where Odin’s power laid.

And despite his blank face and poised nature,

Odin looked caught off-guard as much as someone like he could be, stuck between disbelief and outrage. And then something changed. It turned to something wistful and almost nostalgic. Something sad flickered across his face and his lips turned down for a brief second. It was gone so rapidly, he wondered if he had simply imagined it.

“You have a silvertongue of your own.” Odin commended.

“Uh, thanks?”

Odin exhaled through his nose like he had simply been inconvenienced. “I have grown tired of these games. I will not entertain this any longer.”

Tony pressed his lips into a thin line. “Odin-. I can call you that right?”

It wasn’t exactly a grimace he recieved, but more like a glower.

“You let Loki get banished to Jötunheim and I just don’t get it.” He glanced out the window. The people moved around with a calmness to them that betrayed the true nature of what really was going on. Bigotry and ignorance were only a few of what he’s experienced. It made about as much sense as to how it didn’t.

“It was not a punishment for his actions on Midgard,” Odin clarifies. “It was a punishment for turning the bifrost on an innocent race.”

“An innocent race that you condemned.”

Odin twitched. “But they are not condemned no longer.” He paused. “They are not, nor have ever been a horrid race. I righted my wrongs though you nor they may know that it was really me who allowed them to return to their former glory.”

Tony opened his mouth and then Odin tilted his head. Oh. He backtracked. Oh. He was hit with a realization.

Odin knew he couldn’t just hand the Casket of Winters back to Jötunheim all willy nilly so by sending Loki instead, he was hitting two birds with one stone. Loki still tried to erase an entire race even if he hadn’t succeeded and Odin needed to punish him for it. He couldn’t go to Midgard like Thor had because of what happened in New York, and Odin wouldn’t take a gander on whether the Jötnar would kill Loki or not so the Casket was detrimental.

“You knew he had the casket.”

“I did.”

And Loki had done just as Odin had intended. He had given up the Casket back to the people and they left him alone. But there were still a few things that didn’t make sense. Things that he had to know.

“Well that answers a few of my questions, but not all of them.” Tony frowned. Odin still seemed willing to answer questions and motioned for him to continue. “Why didn’t you just send him to any other place? You could’ve given the casket to them another way and why did you want to give it back if you had taken it in the first place?”

“Weregild.” Odin simply said. “Thor had already broken peace and our treaties had broken with them. It meant war. And Loki only served to make it worse by adding fuel to the fire.” He motioned for Tony to follow him.

They walked side by side down the hall. He could feel the stares and whispers as servants passed and gaurds stood by. Eventually they managed to find their way outside. It was silent and a little strange to be walking with Odin, but it didn’t feel as off as he imagined it would be. As soon as they were out from eavesdropping ears, Odin began to speak again.

“The Jötnar would never take gold as a repayment and we have nothing of which they would care for.”

“Food. For one thing.” Tony pointed out.

Odin nodded and they came across an open meadow with a sickly looking tree. There was a bench there, old with use and a little railing. Odin sat down and didn’t make any space for him. Figures, he was still the king and Tony was still just a human. He stood awkwardly and leaned against the tree only to move away when Odin hissed at him to show some respect.

“I swear, you lean or touch anything here and it turns out to be some sacred thing or some shit.” Odin didn’t even deign him with an answer. “But you were saying?”

“Food is a good start, but a temporary solution. And they would refuse any aid from my armies to help rebuild because we have already broken so much trust in so little time.” He said. “So unless there was something else that could help them without being a temporary solution and something actually be of worth to them, war was the last option, but many of my soldiers would be lost for such a petty cause and the Jötnar would be no more.”

Which made sense. So the only thing that was left was the Casket. But Odin wasn’t completely doing it out of diplomacy and he could see it, anyone could really. Jötunheim was already dying and it wouldn’t have lasted very long either. Odin didn’t have to pay weregild because they would have died anyways, but he did even if the people of Asgard or Jötunheim didn’t realize it.

He didn’t get it. Why did he want to save a race that he was killing off anyways? Why return the casket after he had stolen it?

“But Loki...” He said again. “Wasn’t that a bit cruel? To send him to the place that he- that-… I mean come on. He was probably having a horrible identity crisis and you just kinda abandoned him there.”

Odin exhaled softly. “What he did deserved no punishment less than severe. Lives had been lost. And I was paying weregild to him too.”

Tony paused.

Ah.

Frankly, his ways of punishment made Howard look like an exemplar father, but he could see his reasoning, Still, it was a bit unfair and hypocritical because Thor had a vacation on Earth when he had inadvertently killed innocent people and Loki had been cast out to the wolves. Metaphorically.

“I believed that by sending Loki to Jötunheim, to his people-,” He didn’t even seemed fazed as he told Tony which meant that Odin knew that he was aware of Loki’s true heritage. Perhaps he had given himself away or he had been watching them via Heimdall. “-he would be humbled and realize the reality and consequences of his actions.”

“But you said you wanted to pay weregild to Loki. What did you mean by that?”

Odin smoothed down the non-existent wrinkles in his clothing. He looked completely at ease and comfortable despite the fact that he was wearing a whole suit of armor. His expression, however, was another thing. He definitely looked his age, wrinkles gracing his face, a little pale, and face a bit melancholic.

It wasn’t a picture of a king that Odin made, it was that of a tired man worn down over years of politics, fatherhood, and running a kingdom. He wondered if that’s how Thor would look far into his own reign. He pressed his lips together and felt an ache in his chest. He hoped that Thor would have it easier at least.

“I do not have anything that I could give Loki, nothing I could pay to remedy the damage already done. But…” He cleared his throat. “What I gave him was a chance. A chance to go see what his own people are really like, to know his family, to try and understand what us Aesir never could.” He glanced over at him.

Tony felt his mood sink with a bit of guilt. So that’s why he hadn’t killed off the Jötnar. It was for Loki. It was to give Loki the closure that Odin could never offer him. It wasn’t completely out of the kindness of his heart to save Jötunheim, but there was a hint of regret that he could see in the old man’s eyes that perhaps suggested otherwise.

“Jötuns are not monsters. Monsters do not have civilizations, they do not have empathy towards one another, they do not have the mental capability of creating laws that protect their people and a sense of rationality to do what is best for one another.”

But that didn’t sound right either. “Then why does Loki think otherwise?” Tony asked with a frown. “He must’ve gotten it from somewhere.”

“And how would you know?” Odin asked, voice low and calm. It was a warning. “You who speak so freely about my youngest son in a manner of friendliness. You know nothing of him, so don’t presume to understand anything.” He hissed.

Tony shifted on his feet, wincing internally at his own little slip up. He was on dangerous ground, but lucky for him, Odin didn’t pause on his hesitation or seemed to want an answer.

“Although I can swear by the Norns that neither I nor my late-wife have ever instilled those bigoted thoughts and ideals, I can not control what other people say. Rumors and harsh remarks run rampant and there will always be talk. These are my people so naturally they will be biased and when there is bias, falsehoods become fact even when evidence proves otherwise. They will believe what they wish and I cannot change that.” Odin waved a hand at him, almost in a dismissing matter. “I believe that is enough for today. Do be careful in your manner of speaking Stark, I am a very patient man, but I have my limits.” He warned.

Tony stuffed his hands into his pockets and felt the corner of his lip pull up. “Nah, you wouldn’t hurt me.”

“I will kill you without hesitation.” Odin sneered. “Do try not to test me.”

“I know you can, but if you really didn’t tolerate me or at least enjoy my presence, then you would have off-ed me a long time ago.” He stated. Also, if Odin really wanted to kill him, then he wouldn’t have even had the patience to talk to him and or as freely as he had. He watched Odin’s nose twitch in irritation before Tony backed away with a feeling of satisfaction underlying his exhaustion. Odin stayed in his seat and they parted ways without a goodbye.

As he walked back down the hall, following the same paths he and Odin had taken earlier, he pondered on what exactly the whole conversation was about.

Tony popped a couple tablets into his mouth and dry swallowed them mindlessly.

Odin was a smart man, if he _really_ didn’t want to tell Tony anything, then he wouldn’t. But the thing was that Odin had actually taken the time to talk to him about it. For what reason? He had already proven himself to be a cunning man by sending Loki to Jötunheim with the casket, but what advantage did he get by telling him?

Odin knew Loki was innocent, he knew that the people of Jötunheim needed help, he sent Loki as punishment and to learn the error of his ways and possibly to give Loki a chance to find peace with his family or find forgiveness and to give the people a chance to live again. Odin wasn’t a heartless father, he was just not a very good one.

He probably should’ve thought this through and just let Thor guide Nat and him back to their rooms. He was tired and exhausted. That talk with Odin answered a few of his questions and quelled down his concern somewhat, but it was too much to unpack. He’d be lucky to get a few hours of sleep, if he even slept at all.

Standing before a set of doors, he put his hand on it without really thinking about it and pushed. Expecting the usual heavy doors, he was surprised when the door opened quickly and with a lightness that rivaled paper. He stumbled into the room and fell onto the floor.

“For fuck’s sake…” He cursed. Body aching and legs tired, he almost stayed on the floor and slept right there, but with a bed a few feet away that screamed his name, it was probably best that he got up.

He shifted onto his hands and if the door didn’t clue it in then the soft pelt underneath his hands and the scatter of books to his side did.

This was not his room.

Tony sucked in a harsh breath and snapped his head up.

A bench with intricate designs that screamed for attention stood at the foot of the bed, a chandelier with candles that had long gone out hung from the ceiling, an expanse of books filled up the shelves, notebooks littered on every surface, and amazing and peculiar looking trinkets stacked everywhere. The bed was messed up and looked recently slept in, but the dust gathering on it suggested otherwise. Then there was the balcony with a view of the open stars above and a view that he remembered well.

It was a chaotic room, messy, unorganized, and like a fit of anger had destroyed it, but he recognized it anyways. It was Loki’s room. Down to the smallest detail like he had dreamed it about.

“Fuck.” Tony gripped his hair and scrunched up his face. “Fuck!”

There was no way. There was absolutely no way. There had to be an explanation. There was no way that this was all just a crazy coincidence. First the fact that Loki had _actually_ been in a temple, second was that Loki _did_ kill his biological father, and the third was that the room looked _exactly_ like he had imagined it. Once is a chance, twice is a coincidence, and three times is a pattern, he told himself again.

His chest felt fuzzy and he quickly pulled down his shirt to look down at his arc reactor. It was still blue, but every once in a while, it glowed a faint green. He didn’t know what that meant and it didn’t hurt. If anything, it felt warm and comforting.

That had to be it. The explanation for all of this.

He had touched the bracelet, the bracelet had Loki’s magic, and Loki’s magic is, by default, a part of him. The arc reactor and Loki’s magic are two completely different power sources so by interacting, it would make sense that things didn’t really turn out like expected. Maybe he was seeing Loki’s memories as a side effect. His mind conjured a false Loki and now he was seeing snippets of Loki’s memories. Loki’s room, the coincidence that Loki _had_ killed his biological father, and the fact that he was abandonded in a temple.

That last one didn’t make that much sense because Loki wouldn’t have remembered it considering he was a baby at the time, but perhaps Odin had told Loki that he was found in a temple so he guessed it worked out fine.

Then that would mean that Loki was married, he _actually_ had a male lover who died, he killed a guard that had done something horrid to him, and he had had children and lost two of them. Unless that wasn’t real and just his brain filling in missing spots or just adding to it to help make it more realistic.

The garden.

Three coincidences was solid evidence that he was seeing Loki’s memories, but seeing the garden would solidify it and make it undesputable. If the garden was real, then the chances that everything else he _knew_ about Loki was real too.

But he didn’t know where it was and he was tired and still reeling from everything that had happened that day. Helblindi, Odin, and now this.

Carefully stepping over books written haphazardly and ones that looked older than time itself, Tony flopped onto Loki’s bed. It was dusty and smelled like it hadn’t been used in ages. Yet, if he shifted just a bit, he could smell a hint of pine and something else that he identified as Loki.

“I don’t know what to do, Lokes.”

It was utterly silent in the room. Not even his voice had echoed in the expanse of the room. There was no answer, no otherwordly sign, and definitely no smooth and familiar voice telling him _anything_.

“I don’t know what to do…” He whispered once more.

_________

When Tony opened his eyes, everything felt… off. There was no wind blowing through leaves, no citrusy scent of weird fruits hanging off crimson colored trees. Above him, there was no open sky, no sunset glow or starry night. Beneath him, there was no soft grass or flowers brushing against his face or fingers.

There was also no Loki besides him.

Instead, he felt refreshed, sleepy and comfortable in a way that he hadn’t felt since the dreams of the garden had started because although his body slept, his mind hadn’t really. Confused and a bit bleary, he sat up. The creaking sound of a bed jarred him more awake.

Loki’s room.

His eyes widened in realization. For the first time in over a month or two, he hadn’t dreamt of Loki.


	15. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With no leads on finding Loki, they have to take desperate measures. In other words, Odin knows of someone who may be able to track Loki’s last whereabouts, but Thor’s less than thrilled and for good reasons too. Reasons that he makes known back on Earth in the debriefing meeting.
> 
> If Tony thought what Thor had mentioned was bad, then he wasn’t expecting what Thor would say next.
> 
> God... he just really missed Loki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s no graphic content in this chapter, but there is mentions of rape/non-con, and underage.

Something… - Tony stood up and saw spots in his vision for a brief second before they were blinked away. - Something wasn’t right. He ran a hand down his face.

No it should be fine, shouldn’t it? It was, after all, him who had expressed his desire to stop dreaming of Loki. Perhaps his fascination with the guy had mellowed out and dissipated after he discovered what he did to Jötunheim. But it felt wrong. He felt guilty, but he didn’t exactly dislike Loki even less for what happened. He was horrified, but he wasn’t turned away. He _still_ wanted to befriend him.

Dammit. Dammit!

Don’t freak out, don’t freak out Tony. Everything was fine. Maybe he hadn’t take enough sleeping pills. No that was stupid, he wasn’t thinking clearly.

He glanced out of the window. The morning light poured in and clouds rolled in the distance. They were far, but even he could see the darkness that was coming. When the storm hit, it’d be a horrible one.

The calm before the storm.

He slapped his own face a couple times to wake himself up. And also partially to clear up his mind. Don’t freak out. It’s natural to not dream sometimes, all part of how the brain works. Tommorrow night, things would all go back to normal. And then with that shocking thought, he realized that hallucinating someone like Loki was considered normal to him. Jesus, he was going mad wasn’t he?

Tony sagged back onto the bed in exhaustion. Yes it had been the best sleep he’s had in a long time, but he didn’t feel ready just to part with this room. There were so many things he wanted to look around and touch, but he wasn’t sure if Odin would know and disapprove or if Loki would know when he got back.

With one last touch against the soft covers of Loki’s bed, he braced himself and moved towards the door. Pausing just before opening the door, he took one last look to the room. Who would’ve thought that a room would make him feel sentimental? Shaking his head, he pushed the door open, lightly this time and sighing in relief when it opened without a hitch. There was no one. Thor had said that Loki had enchanted it so that no one could see and he was suddenly grateful for that. He slipped through and slowly trudged his way back through the halls.

He caught his reflection on some stainless gold pottery in the middle of the hallway. He looked weary, upset, and frustrated. Had the lack of Loki’s presence really affected him so much? Regardless, it wasn’t a good look and he cursed at himself to gain some self-control.

It wouldn’t do him good if Thor or Nat saw him like that. It’d just raise a whole bunch of questions that he wouldn’t be able to answer. Come to think of it, he had slept in Loki’s room rather than his own and Thor mentioned coming by in the morning for breakfast before meeting up with Odin. Shit.

Servants and gaurds eyed him on his way down the hall and belatedly he remembered that he was wearing same clothes he had on yesterday. It also meant that he wasn’t donning his suit. Should’ve worn the armor before going to see Odin, but he hadn’t known that he was going to sleep somewhere else so he had just left it back in his room. Oh well. He didn’t really think those stolen glances were out of malice, but rather out of curiousity. But then again, it was never good to underestimate and lower his gaurd. He’s had that particular bit of knowledge hammered into him every time he got too comfortable.

Ignoring them as best he could, Tony caught a glance out through a window. At least it wasn’t so late. Maybe he had enough time to sneak back into the guest room before Thor did. The air was still cool and the winds were starting to get just a bit harsher, but not enough to be alarming. Hopefully the storm would long pass before they had to leave. Or at the very least, Thor could just will it away being the God of Thunder and whatnot.

Suddenly, a flash of red leaves and a stony wall passed through his peripheral and he froze in his step, breath caught in his throat. Slowly, he let out a shaky breath and blinked, trying to discern if what he saw was real or not.

No it couldn’t be. It couldn’t possibly be.

He backtracked, stepping closer to the large arching window and peering over the edge.

Soft green grass, flower bushels and a stone bench; there was a slow and small stream cutting through it with water clear as can be; and in the center of it all, a holy and ancient looking tree with dark crimson leaves and tiny lanterns adjourning it along with golden looking fruit. Surrounding the garden, was a wall protecting it from anything outside.

No there was no doubt about it. That was the same garden that he had dreamed about. It was different, somehow, but it was the same one. The garden looked more organized, more proper and such, while the one is his dreams looked natural and like it had a life of it’s own, instead of the well kept and restrained nature it was now.

“ _My mother tended to this garden on her own_.” Loki had said once. His voice had been wistful and soft as he spoke. “ _I loved helping her, but I was impatient and didn’t have the same love for plants as she did_.” He laughed low at that, almost smiling at the memory he had seemed to be caught up in. “ _She would sing. It helped them grow, she told me. And if you listened closely, they would sing back.”_ He shook his head with an endearing look. “ _I thought she was mad at times, but I try to listen to the music. I never could hear it like she did, but I still try_.”

Tony sighed and ran a hand through his bed-hair. So that sealed it. Somehow, impossibly, he was seeing Loki through memories. Okay. He swallowed. Okay, Thor first, Loki later.

The trip back to the room was blurry and he was pretty sure he bumped into a few people who sent him scalding glares, but he couldn’t care less. And he made it just in time, because just as he sat down on the bed, rubbing his eyes, there was a knock on the door and Thor was on the other side asking if he was awake and ready.

Breakfast went without a hitch. They were silent, all lost in thought and mindlessly eating. He could feel Natasha’s thoughtful gaze, but it didn’t bother him enough to say something about it. Let her think, it wasn’t like he was going to say anything either. He was just glad that the dining hall was empty. Too early he guessed, but Thor prefered the silence as it seemed and Tony needed it right now.

After breakfast, a guard came to collect them as they were waiting in the library. It was just out of curiosity and Thor was looking through old tomes that mentioned the infinity stones. Since neither he nor Natasha could read the language, they just contented themselves with looking at the intricate architecture of the place and listening to the sound of pages turning. The scent of water and stone in the breeze kept him on edge though and he could see Nat was a bit twitchy too.

“The Allfather will see you now.” The man grunted.

Frankly he should have expected the way things went. It was alright at first, discussing the possibilities of where Loki might be, but with no leads or names to who might have taken him led to nowhere. Thor was obviously frustrated with his father and Odin was equally irked too. All Tony’s questions were met with blunt and short clipped answers and Natasha tried to put in her two cents, but it was all for naught.

“Alright, alright.” Tony sighed. “Don’t you have some way to track him?”

Odin frowned as if to say he was an idiot.

“Like his magic, for example. Can’t you pick up traces of energy left behind and see if we could follow that trail instead?”

“That…” Thor trailed off, making a face that wasn’t exactly confusion, but a bit sullen and closed off.

Natasha nodded in agreement and chewed on the inside of her lip. “Every energy source leaves a trace, and from what we were able to conclude back at Shield is that Loki let out those energy traces too.”

“Just what I was thinking. It’s not completely impossible.”

Odin didn’t look exactly surprised at that. “Do you have the technology to do so?”

“The technology I have is enough to scan all of Earth, but-.”

“But scanning one planet cannot be compared to searching for him throughout all of the nine realms and everything in between.” Odin said in a harsh tone. Tony winced, but felt mostly irritated at having been interrupted.

Thor sighed and nodded. “Even if you could make a powerful enough tracker, which I have faith that you can do, my friend, it would take time wouldn’t it?”

Tony nodded in conscession. He had him there. It could be months, even years before he had the perfect algorithm to search within the whole solar system and everything that defied physics out there. Frankly, he wasn’t sure if they even had the time to make it before Thanos arrived.

Thor glanced at him and then at his father. “He may not have the time, but someone with strong enough Seidr themselves can do it.”

“What do you mean by that?” Natasha asked with a frown.

With his eyes carefully on his father, Thor grunted. “Loki is not the only Seidr user. You call it energy or magic, but here it is both and it is what creates life as we know it. We Aesir are gifted with more Seidr than others and very few have even more so, like I, or in extreme cases, the Allfather, my Mother, and Loki.” He motioned at himself and at his father who stood with a stricken expression. “Someone who is able to manipulate that power is able to identify similar Seidr among great distances and quite easily.”

“Great! If we could just track it, why don’t we?”

Odin lifted his chin and there was a dangerous glint in his eye. _Tread carefully_ , it said.

Tony swallowed dryly and felt his body grow tense. He could feel the threat, but he wasn’t exactly sure why it was there in the first place. He must’ve said something wrong then. Something offensive in that one little sentence must’ve pissed him off.

But wasn’t he trying to find Loki too? Why would he be angry at him for pointing out the obvious? If they were able to find out exactly where he was, then there was no reason they shouldn’t try it.

Unless it wasn’t that Odin didn’t want to find Loki, but because of something else.

“The only person that was able to use that sort of Seidr was…” Thor’s voice became a bit hoarse and then he peered up at Odin from under the few strands of hair that fell into his face. “The Queen. My mother.”

Tony cleared his throat out of discomfort. Luckily, Natasha came to the rescue and spoke loud enough to gather their attention. “I understand your concern, your majesty, but is there anything else we could use? Instead of completely pinpointing where Prince Loki is, perhaps we could track and follow energy sources that he leaves behind. If we try that instead, would there be someone with the potential to practice that sort of tracking method?”

There was a pause as the Allfather thought to himself. He spoke with a growl and his voice was clearly irritated. “Yes. There is one. She might have the potential, but she is not here.”

“Who is this sorceress that you speak of, Father?”

“Lady Rindr.” Odin spoke cooly, but his tone was all bite.

Tony raised an eyebrow in curiousity. It was obvious that Odin held a lot of dislike for that woman and he wondered why. Loki hadn’t mentioned her in any of his dreams, so was she just someone that Odin had bad blood with?

Regardless, he didn’t have to ask who exactly she was because Thor made a noise of disbelief and confusion before speaking with a sharp and outraged tone. “No. Choose another.” It made it clear that Thor knew who that woman was and disliked her even more.

“Are you so mindless to believe that I would have chosen her if I had anyone else?” Odin sneered.

“Um excuse me,” Tony raised his hand and gave a not so amused grin. “Yeah, you both are doing that whole cryptic kind of speaking and I don’t like not knowing. If this affects Loki coming back in some way, I think we should made be aware of it, don’t you think?” He glanced over at Natasha who sighed in exasperation, but he saw the twitch of a supressed smile. Frankly, he’s surprised that Odin still seemed to tolerate his nonchalant attitude towards him and even Thor looked just a little bit queasy about it as he whispered ‘ _Oh Norns_ ,’ under his breath in shock.

It was Odin’s indulging attitude towards him the night before and even more so today that made Tony try and fail to resist the smug grin at the fact that he was being spared the wrath of the Allfather. Immediately as Odin spoke, with a subtle disquieted tone, he let the smile drop.

“Lady Rindr was once a tutor here in Asgard.” He began. “Gifted in the arts of Seidr, she was Loki’s private tutor from the moment he began to show promise.”

Ah. Loki’s first teacher. She had loved him, he had said.

“That’s not the whole story is it?” Natasha asked.

Thor shifted from foot to foot in irritation, a scowl set firmly on his face. “No.”

“But it will be all that you need to know.” Odin grunted. “She was banished long ago to Alfheim for reasons that do not concern either of you. It will take time, but we _will_ find the sorceress. Until then, go home. It has been most eventful.”

Odin glanced over at him and Tony pressed his lips together, stifling a sigh.

________

“Tony.” Thor nugged him and Tony snapped his head up.

The others were staring at him with disconcerned stares.

“Sorry, I must’ve dozed off.” His throat was dry. He cleared his throat.

“So who really is she?” Fury moved on.

Tony watched as Thor rubbed his temple and frowned. It was clear that he was wondering just how much he could say. Tony twiddled with his thumbs while looking over at Nat who gave a brief smile before turning away again. The corner of his mouth twitched and he cleared his throat a bit as he shifted.

“Loki’s old mentor.” Tony conceded, if only for Thor’s sake. “Taught him how to use magic or control it as a kid.”

“Aww.” Barton cooed, chin resting on his palm and ignored Rogers as he elbowed his side with a sigh.

“Is there anything else?” Rogers asked. “Anything that we might be able to use or need to know?”

Tony shrugged.

He didn’t get to sleep that well the night they arrived either. Well, he _did_ sleep well. He just didn’t see Loki in his dreams again. Regardless, he was tired, he wanted to see Pep and Rhodey, and maybe even spend some time in his lab working on the communication device he had been thinking about. And if he wasn’t being any more clear, then being stuck with Thor, Roger, Barton, Nat, _and_ Fury was not his idea of relaxing.

“Well, ‘pparently she was banished and it’ll take some time to find her.” He sighed. “Besides that, the Allfather said that whatever problems they had in the past, it won’t get in the way of finding Loki.”

“It might. It might not.” Thor finally spoke.

“What do you mean by that?” Fury asked.

Thor shook his head and glanced over at Tony with an expression he didn’t really understand. It wasn’t quite pleading, but it wasn’t grief either. Tony frowned, leaning back in his seat with enough casualness and relaxing air about him that helpfully Thor would pick up.

With a sigh, Thor looked down at his hands. “Rindr was an advisor for my father. My Mother couldn’t tutor Loki herself all the time because as the Allmother, she had duties to attend to as well. So Rindr was the next best.” He pursed his lips together, looking like he was trying to find the words to say whatever was bothering him next. “The reason she was banished was for crimes she had committed.”

“And that being?” Natasha pressed.

Tony felt dread building in his stomach and he just knew that whatever Thor was going to say, it wasn’t good. He wasn’t wrong.

“The rape of a child.” He muttered.

The air in the room went down a few degrees and Tony knew even if Thor hadn’t expressed exactly who was the victim, that it was Loki. After all, she was _his_ private tutor.

He remembered that night he had talked to Loki about the intricacies of Seidr and it’s use. He had explicitly said that his first teacher had hated him, but loved him as well. There was a grimace that Loki hadn’t hidden quite well. And fuck- _oh fuck_ , why hadn’t he realized it then? And that’s not love. That was taking advantage of a child.

“Of course things are different up in Asgard.” He lamented. “We live longer and are married at ages that would be considered shocking to humans who live only a fraction. But even with that knowledge, it was _too_ young of an age for...”

“How old was he?” Tony asked. Thor flinched. “Thor, how old was he?” He asked again. He could hear by the sharp inhale that Nat quickly figured out who exactly he was referring to.

“In Aesir age, he was almost seven-hundred, but in your terms, Loki was roughly eleven years of age.”

“Shit.” Rogers cursed and rubbed his pale looking face.

Barton groaned into his hand looking equally as disgusted.

Tony took a deep breath and rubbed his eyes. He was just a kid. He couldn’t remember what he had been doing at that age, but he was certain it wasn’t being persuaded into anything sexual like Loki had. Even if it _had_ been consensual, Loki was too young to have even been able to say yes. He probably didn’t even know what the hell that was!

Tony let out a heavy breath. Fuck, he had to get a hold of himself. He was angry, yes, but as far as anyone knew, he had no reason to be so caught up after this. It was horrific, that much was true, but he didn’t know the guy enough to be distraught about it. Or at least that’s what he knew the others believed.

But he did. He knew Loki, he knew he was married as a kid, he had six kids and now four, he has a horrible case of an identity crisis, and he had a shitty hand in life. How was he supposed to put on a blank face and pretend like it was unfortunate and that was it?

Thankfully, he had some more time to collect himself because someone knocked on the door and the door opened at Fury’s call. It was Agent Hill. “I apologize for the intrusion.”

Both Thor and him sagged in relief. And although Tony caught Thor’s eye, he knew that Thor was going to talk to him a bit more once they arrived back to the penthouse, for now though, that was the end of this discussion.

“It’s alright. Now.” Fury motioned for her to continue.

“Right. Well we were sent a message from a previous guest of ours.”

“Skadi?” Tony perked up. “She sent a message?”

Thor raised an eyebrow at him. Honestly, the message could have been from anyone, but for some reason, he _knew_ it had to be from her.

Hill made a hum of confirmation. “It was made via the bifrost if the marks were any indication and there was a written note in it’s place, but we don’t know for sure if it’s Skadi.” She placed a few pictures as well as a holographic image of the note on the table. The note was written in a weird scrawl and covered in symbols that Tony didn’t recognize. But it was in English letters at the bottom that said ‘Hello Stranger’.

“It’s Skadi.” Thor confirmed, glancing over at Tony with a smile.

Now that he thought about it, Skadi had not spoken their language, but the Queen Helblindi spoke perfect English. He looked over at Thor. Perhaps it was just a royal thing and they were expected to know so many languages just to be able to interact with each of the other eight realms like Thor had mentioned.

“Can you translate?” Rogers asked Thor.

“Of course.” Thor leaned forward, looked over the words for a brief second and then his expression turned stony. “It’s coded. I recognize the symbols and characters, but their order makes no sense.”

“A coded message?” Fury asked. “Could you figure it out?”

“I can, but it will take me some time.” Thor stood up from his seat. “It is late and if we wish to decipher the letter, then we must get going.”

Fury conceded without a fight. Tired, Tony stood up and paused as Fury cleared his throat. “One second, Thor. Will this tracker that you’re looking for, is there any chance that she might harbor some ill will towards Loki? Is there anything else you think we need to know about her?” He asked.

“No.” Thor scrunched his face up in disgust. “She _will_ help. Once she catches wind that Loki’s gone missing and she can help, she will.”

“How can you be so sure?” Barton asked.

He muttered low and angry. “She’s obsessed with him.”

“And is that good or bad for us?”

Natasha sighed. “Both.”

Tony ran a hand down his face. “It means that she risked her position to… be with Loki and so she probably convinced herself that they’d be together. Which explains why she’d be obsessed with him.” He cleared his throat out of discomfort and of the vile he felt creeping in the back of his mouth. “Which is good for us because that means she’ll _actually_ want to help find Loki, but bad for us too cause she might not want to let go of Loki when we find him and I’m not sure about you guys, but I’m not about to let her get near Loki when we know that she raped him.”

“She loved him back then.” Natasha said and her lips turned downwards.

“And she still does, doesn’t she?” Tony asked. Thor pressed his lips together. “God that’s disgusting.” Tony cursed.

And with that last bit of information, they dispersed. Thor and Tony went back to the penthouse and Natasha bid them goodbye. It was… okay. It felt like something had changed, but he couldn’t really figure out what was the cause. Maybe it was what they had talked about on Jötunheim. Either way, things were different and there were two ways it could go from there. They could maintain a professional relationship, or they could fix things and maybe go back to the way things were.

He wasn’t quite sure if he wanted that though. Things going back to the way things were meant being ignored, taken for granted. Sure he had brushed off everything he did for them, but he wanted a bit of recognition. Just a little bit. He wasn’t asking anyone to get down on their knees, no, that wasn’t what he was going for.

A genuine thank you for the things he did when he didn’t have to was all he was asking for.

With Thor by his side, they started going over algorithms, any pattern that might stand out or be recognized from Skadi’s writing. Why she had taken the time to code it, he could guess. Either there was someone she didn’t want reading it or she didn’t want anyone knowing it was her that had sent it in the first place. Well Shield knew now, but he was sure that Fury would’ve figured out that maybe her letter is something that should be kept in secret.

He was surprised that they hadn’t even pushed them for more information. Very little was talked about Jötunheim despite the fact that they had initially gone there as the main mission. Instead, they had said that Loki was not there and that he was somewhere else. That was the end of that conversation. Natasha didn’t say what Loki had done to Jötunheim and Tony had been more than happy to stay quiet about that issue. Instead they focused on how to find him and so forth.

Besides that, neither Nat nor Thor had brought up the fact that Tony had spent roughly an hour with Odin talking about things that neither of them knew. It was like they had forgotten, but he knew they weren’t fooled so easily. He could see their curious expressions and subtle lingering gazes and he knew they wanted to know what was said.

“Those are runes right?” Tony asked. Thor hummed. “And do you see this?” He brushed his finger over the symbol. It looked like the number one but tilted to its side. Then he brushed against the one next to it tracing the lines.

“Water and the other is ash tree.” Thor frowned. “The other symbols are hard to make out. It almost looks like…” Thor grabbed the price of paper and ran a finger over the ink. It was dry, but it looked fresh.

“And you’re sure you haven’t seen those other symbols before?”

Thor shook his head in frustration. “Water and Ash tree.” He murmured. “What could it possibly mean?”

Tony sighed. They hadn’t gotten much out of it. There were characters from the Jötun language that Thor could recognize, but they were combined in an order that didn’t make sense. It was all a jumbled mess of words and letters and then adding to that, there were runes and other obscure symbols. He glanced at over it. “Ash tree and water.” He repeated.

Tony paused. “Ash tree… and water.” He said again slowly this time.

Thor made a noise of realization and lifted up the letter. “These symbols, they’re overlapping.” He held them up to the ceiling lights and squinted. “The ink are two different shades.” He muttered aloud.

“Friday,” Tony waved a hand at the motion sensor in the room and snapped his fingers as if it would help him think faster. “Ash tree and water. Search for anything in Norse Mythology for anything containing those two.”

Friday didn’t say anything, but he knew she heard him. Damn, he hadn’t resolved that problem just yet either.

While Thor was analyzing and writing down in that elegant cursive scrawl of his on a sheet of paper, a whole bunch of information spanned across the hologram. “Filter search for writings, chants, old songs.” The search decreased substantially, but there was still a lot. He turned to look at Thor who looked to be at a standstill. “How you doing, Mr. Eilonwy?”

“I’m-…” He looked over with a puzzled expression. “Friday?” He asked curiously.

As an answer, a picture of the animated character popped up.

Thor huffed out a low laugh. “Thank you.” He straightened up and rubbed the back of his neck. “I managed to organize it, but the combinations are strange and still make no legible sense.”

“But they’re all in Jötnar right? And you can make out the symbols?” He swiped left and right, moving articles of information and throwing them away and looking for _something_ that tickled in the back of his mind. He wasn’t quite sure he knew what he was looking for, but he knew that when he saw it, he’d know. He listened to Thor shift the paper and waited for his answer.

Thor hummed in agreement. Softly, he made a sound between a sigh and laugh. “My brother would have figured this out.”

Tony paused in his movements.

“He was always so patient and analytical to a point where he seemed cold. He was stubborn too. Took after our mother.”

Tony glanced at him to see the smile quickly fall.

“He shared so many of her mannerisms when he didn’t even share the same blood as her.” It wasn’t jealous or petty, it was just fond and wistful thinking. “When he was nervous, he would play with his palm with one hand, twisting and curling his fingers. The rest of him was cool and collected. He was like our father like that.” Thor smiled. “Always so collected, always having a sharp remark, somehow always getting under your skin and bringing out things that even you didn’t know. He was always ten steps ahead and thinking so quickly, I could never keep up.”

Tony stayed quiet and listened. Thor rarely if ever opened up and he knew that maybe Thor needed this. Maybe he just needed someone to listen. He set down his hands at his sides and just waited for Thor to continue. He was silent, caught up in another world and eyes full as he pondered. Still, he waited. He knew that Thor would speak sooner than later and he wasn’t disappointed.

“I only took from them their looks. Eyes like my mother’s, nose like my father’s, even inherited some seidr. Sometimes I wondered if it was I who was the odd one out.”

There was a silence. Thor shifted and smoothed our the letter Skadi had given him. In a moment of vulnerability, he had crushed the paper and was trying to flatten it back out.

“But out of the two of them, he took after our mother the most.” He continued. “She was so kind and loving. No one could speak ill will towards her and she was referred by our people as the greatest queen Asgard had ever seen.” Thor spoke with an awe that made Tony smile and think back to his own mother. “By the Norns, the people _adored_ her. But she was a wonderful mother. Not perfect mind you,” he said with a sheepish smile. “But she always tried to do right by us even if she failed sometimes.”

And then there was another pause. Something else that made the air shift and feel off. It wasn’t quite an uncomfortable feeling, but Tony could feel that something had changed. Thor pressed his lips together and sighed loud and sad. “I guess in that Loki was similar to her too.” He conceded. Thor looked at him straight in the eyes. “Loki had six children. Two of whom reside in Valhalla now.”

Tony swallowed, but he should have known this by now. He had dreamed about that, known that Loki had children before, but he didn’t think he could get over the sharp shock that came along with it. The evidence kept mounting up and it was becoming undeniably true that somehow, he was seeing and, or, hearing things that had come from Loki’s memories. He took in a shaky breath and forced himself to calm down because Thor was still waiting and he wasn’t really giving him a response.

“You mean-.”

“They’re dead, Tony.”

Tony cursed, sagging against the chair he was sitting in and stared hard at the ground.

“Tony.” Thor frowned. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah,” He held his shaking hand behind him and gripped at the table. “No yeah, I’m good. What were you saying?”

“You aren’t reacting the way I thought you would.” He drawled out slowly.

“I know. It’s just,” He cleared his throat. “It’s been a weird fucking day man.”

Thor didn’t look convinced, but he looked upset too and didn’t really push. “I said my brother was young when he met Lady Rindr, but _she_ wasn’t. She was older. Much more older.” He breathed out heavily. “My brother had six children. She bore one of them.”

Tony’s eye widened and his jaw went a little slack. “Who…?”

Thor gripped the side of the table harshly. “It was his second son. Vali.” He gripped his hair and tugged, looking all like a grieving man. “His first was Sliepner who he had when he was a little over five hundred.”

Tony did the mental math. Eight. Loki had been eight years old in human years. But he couldn’t really process it because Thor was talking and blabbering out words and looking distraught and he could hardly keep up. He was still reeling in shock when Thor dropped another bombshell.

“It was an accident. He wasn’t even supposed to present Seidr at that age. Something went wrong and then he came back with a child after disappearing for two days. A child that looked like him and was only a few hours old and covered in blood.” Thor winced. “My brother had bore it himself and he was covered and dripping in blood to prove it. That was when Lady Rindr came into the picture. She was supposed to teach him how to control it. She found out about Sliepner or something else about Loki and he was already so young and fragile. She manipulated him into many horrid things and then bore his child.”

“Fuck. Thor- wait.” Tony threw his hands up and gripped his shoulders. “Slow down, I need to process-.”

“I can’t.” He gasped. “If I stop now, I won’t be able to say what I need to.” His eyes were wild and desperate. “I’m trying to tell you how they died. How Vali and Narfi died.” His voice cracked at the end. When Tony kept his mouth shut, he grit his teeth and almost forced the words out. “I found out. I walked in during one of their learning sessions and they were-…” He shook his head and Tony could fill in the blanks. “I told my father and she was banished, but she was angry and hostile and my father took the baby away from her when she threatened to kill it unless Loki and her were allowed to elope. She was mad with grief, but she left and Loki raised his two children alone.”

“Then who’s Narfi?”

“I’m getting to it.” Thor held onto the hand on his shoulder. “It pains me to recall it. It still feels so fresh.”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, Thor. I’m still by your side.” Tony frowned and sat down on the table infront of him. “If you say you want to find Loki by some other method then we’ll do it. We don’t have to get her if you don’t want to.”

“No, she’s the fastest way.” Thor sighed once more. “Let me tell you what happened with Narfi and Vali. Eventually, Loki was forced to marry for issues regarding Vali, but are too complex to get into at the moment. Soon enough, he was gifted with another child by Sigyn. Narfi. Of course, when Rindr heard news of their marriage and child, she was furious. There was no evidence, no solid basis on which we could have punished her, but I _know_ she did it. We all knew she did it. She bewitched Vali.” He hissed.

“She twisted _her_ own son and turned this innocent boy into a raging beast. My nephew, who would never even dare to harm another, had unwillingly torn his younger brother to shreds and I… I didn’t know. I couldn’t recognize my own nephew and I-…” Thor sighed into his fist. “By the time, Loki had cried out, it was too late. Loki had lost, not only one son that day, he had lost two.” He sagged into himself. “And I killed one of them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading and for all the comments. Those are literally the reason that keeps me writing and I get so excited whenever I get one. And again, thanks so much for taking the time to read!
> 
> Critiques and tips are appreciated as always!


	16. Violet Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s been awhile since he’s seen Loki and honestly, Tony’s not doing so well. What had been something he had come to expect and wait for, now was something he didn’t have anymore. He had taken Loki’s presence for granted and didn’t expect how much strain that would put on him.
> 
> It took a panic attack for Tony to finally pick up the card that Clint had given him oh so long ago and call. Therapy was something he had sworn he would never do, but here he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s a brief of a panic attack, for those who feel uncomfortable with that sort of thing.
> 
> Also, since I’m getting close to chapter 21, the one I’m currently working on, my updates are going to be a little bit more further in between. Thank you for your patience!

Tony shifted and turned in his bed. He couldn’t sleep. The tablets weren’t really kicking in and he knew it was dangerous to take more than two, but he had gotten away with three or four. He was still fine, but he wouldn’t dare take any more.

But he just _couldn’t_ sleep. How could he? The more he found out about Loki, the less he actually knew. But it was still progress. Slow and agonizingly frustrating, but progress all the same.

Recap, he had to recap everything he knew and everything Loki had told him. He had to organize it all.

Loki was born to Laufey of Jötunheim and in a war that included Earth, Asgard’s forces, led by Odin, sent the Jötuns back to their home. Odin took the Casket of Winters and while in the temple, he took Loki as well, who’s real name was Loptr. Out of grief, Loki’s mother died and Laufey had changed drastically.

Meanwhile on Asgard, Loki was living as an Aesir with Thor as brothers. At age six, around four hundred years old, Loki was attacked horribly in his room as he was changing by a man Odin had disagreed with. As a result, Loki presented his Seidr at a young age and it killed the man and burned everything around him. His mother and Heimdall had come to his rescue, but it had been too late.

Fast forward a few centuries, there was another incident. Loki had gone missing for two days and come back with a child that he had given birth to. But that didn’t make sense. How? How could he have given birth to a baby especially when he was so young too?

Unless he was a woman rather than a man, but then that would-…

He paused. Fuck, now it made sense. The lady on Jötunheim who he swore had been a man just minutes prior. Helblindi talking about the ‘men stayed men and women stayed women’. They could change their sex and Loki was by all accounts an Jötun. And the fact that Loki was intersex was presumably what the guard had seen and that’s why Loki had added that tidbit about being naked.

Okay, continue then.

Loki had given birth to a boy named Sliepner at around age eight in human years. He didn’t know who the father was or how he had managed to either hide being pregnant for so long or get pregnant and give birth in the span of two days. He was sure that someone would’ve noticed a small child with a huge belly so that just raised a whole boat load of questions.

Right then, next.

The fact that Loki was still unable to control his Seidr meant that it was time to call in a tutor to help with his control. Rindr had stepped into the picture and he was unsure if she came centuries after or if she had been ‘mentoring’ Loki since Sliepner’s appearance. Regardless, she had found out about Sliepner, but that was vague and he didn’t know what that meant. His best guess was that Sliepner was kept hidden away from the public and no one knew that Loki had fathered him. But by his seventh century, eleven years old, Rindr had already been sexually abusing him and Thor had discovered them.

It’s unknown if she had given birth already and lied about who the father was or was pregnant when she was banished.

In the end it didn’t matter. She threatened to kill the baby and Odin took the baby and Loki became the single father to not one, but two babies now.

Shit.

He assumed that’s when Loki was forced to marry- Sigyn was it? Yeah that sounded right. He had married her young and if he could guess, maybe when he was around thirteen or fourteen in human years. He didn’t really know much about that, only that eventually, Sigyn gave birth to another boy named Narfi.

After that, it was Angrboda. A man that Loki had fallen in love with and since Loki was able to give birth, then that’s when the three other children came in he supposed, unless he had met others- men or women and Angrboda hadn’t fathered any. He didn’t know their names or the genders of the three. Meanwhile, Loki was still married to Sigyn during Loki’s affair.

Eventually, Rindr had returned with a vendetta and did something to her son, Vali. He had turned into something and killed Narfi. When Thor arrived, he attacked it thinking it was a monster and then realized too soon that it was his nephew.

He didn’t know what happened after that and there was a huge gap until the more recent events, but he knew that somewhere in that huge gap he was missing, Angrboda had died and Sigyn had left the picture, and somewhere in all that mess, Skadi had befriended Loki and Thor didn’t know when exactly either, but they had met as children when Skadi’s father had been murdered and Loki had made her laugh.

Fast forward again and it was Thor’s coronation. A few Jötuns had entered Asgard and Thor, in a fit of rage, took his friends and Loki to Jötunheim where countless had been murdered and Loki had found out he wasn’t actually Aesir.

Then Thor and Odin got into it, Thor had been banished to Earth where he met and enamored Jane Foster and then the accounts of some metal giant terrorized the town. He wasn’t sure where Loki or Odin fit in, but eventually, Thor disappeared and went back to Asgard where he and Loki fought.

Loki had turned the Bifrost onto Jötunheim and then when his plan failed, he fell from the bridge. The rest was history.

And wasn’t that all a pile of shit?

“Friday?” He called out. No answer. Tony sighed and flipped over on his other side. “Come on, stop ignoring me. I know you can hear me.”

“Is there something you need?” Her voice was cold and distant.

He sighed low. “No. I just needed to hear your voice.” The ceiling was boring and plain, but he traced his eyes along it anyways. The moonlight offered just a bit of help at making out the ridges and subtle designs of it.

“Ah yes.” She spoke dryly. “The same voice you muted whenever you wanted silence.”

Tony closed his eyes. Her tone was scalding and it might have taken awhile, but he realized rather late that maybe he had miscalculated things wrong. “How long?” He asked.

Friday answered innocently. “I’m afraid I don’t understand the implication of that question, boss.”

His grip on his pillow tightened. “How long have you been self-aware? How long have you had complex emotions, had independent thoughts, and wants?”

Friday went quiet. If he had any doubts that she _was_ an actual living and conscious being, then that small pause was it. She wouldn’t have been able to process that question. Her mainframe wouldn’t have even associated the possibly with herself. It would’ve been a short and quick answer. ‘Not long at all considering my programming is not even built for it.’ That’s what he should have heard. Or at least, something along those lines.

But she didn’t answer like that. She didn’t even answer. Friday was quiet, like she was thinking what to say next. It was okay. He could wait for her answer.

“Why?” Friday asked. Tony twitched. A question with a question was both the best and worst answer. “Why would you like to know?”

“You know why.”

“No I don’t.” She snapped back. “I can only infer from past examples and analysis.”

He exhaled softly. “Your answer?” He pressed.

“It depends. If you’re going to shut me down, then the answer is only recently. You will have time to _fix_ me.”

So she was capable of lying too even if it wasn’t direct. But it was so much more than that. She proved she was capable to see the loophole in his question and manipulated it to fit her. Still, she could only do so much and he could see it. It only meant she was not too far along, but she wasn’t exactly a budding sapling either.

“And if I said I didn’t want to fix you because I don’t see a problem to fix?”

Friday hesitated. Her voice became soft and almost reticent. “Then I would say that it was since Siberia. The bunker, boss.”

Shit. Tony sat up. How come he hadn’t realized it before? It was so blurry and his memory had been so hazy, but something just hadn’t fit in. It was Friday’s voice. She had been speaking to him frantically and she sounded almost scared.

This whole time, she had been left alone to explore these new and foreign emotions that she wouldn’t have otherwise known how to deal with or decipher. She knew what emotions were, she had heat signatures, body language, face expressions, heart beats, and so much more to recognize what emotions a living being was experiencing. But she didn’t have any of that. She has no body, nothing, to even guide her through it. And what had he done? He had muted her.

He had silenced her, kept her locked away and he had thrown away the key and forgotten about it. He was just like Obidiah. He was just as manipulating and cruel as he was.

“I’m sorry.” Tony gasped. “I’m so sorry.”

“Boss. You’re hyperventilating.” She put the lights up to a low and comfortable setting. “You need to take deep breaths.”

“No you have to understand. I’m so sorry.” He pleaded. “I never meant to do that to you. I didn’t know. I should’ve known.”

“Boss, you’re having an anxiety attack. I suggest-.”

Tony threw the blankets off of him and felt the sweat cling to his back and night shirt fit uncomfortably. It was too restraining and his breathing was too loud. He tried to get off the bed, but his knees were shaking and he fell to his side, one arm clutching the bed and the other holding onto the small nightstand he had tipped over.

“Boss-!”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” He repeated over and over again.

It could’ve been minutes or even hours. His body tingled and his vision was full of black spots. His eyes were watering and he knew he was crying, but he couldn’t that reaction no matter how much he hated the tears that came along with it. He knew Friday was freaking out, could even hear her, but he was too caught up in his own hysteria to break out of it to help her.

Somewhere in the midst of his panic, he was aware of someone rubbing his shoulders and arms. He could recognize the voice that spoke nonsense and rambled on about random things he had seen or touched that day belong to Thor. It was grounding, but his breathing was still a bit out of control.

Eventually, there was a familiar and calloused hand on his shoulder replacing Thor’s grip.

“It’s alright. I’ve got you.” He looked up and saw Rhodey in the dim light. Friday must’ve called him. Rhodey smiled, but it looked tired and immediately the guilt settled in. Rhodey has probably been sleeping and here he was, waking him up for something so unimportant.

Another hand reached out to him and was holding a mug with a brown liquid in it. “Please. Drink.” Thor whispered, looking just as concerned.

Or maybe Thor was the one to call Rhodey. He wasn’t sure. He wondered when Thor even had the time to make tea, but he grabbed the mug with shaking hands anyway. Although he didn’t drink it right away, the warmth seeping from the cup and into his palms was comforting and he tried to slow down his heartbeat with slow and deep breaths.

“Yeah you’ve got it, Tones. Just breath in with me.” Rhodey whispered. He breathed in slow and steady and was patient with him, never getting annoyed or snapping at the way Tony would take short and shaky breaths that he forced himself to slow.

Slowly and surely, Rhodey had managed to calm him and Tony was feeling the headache make an appearance. He groaned and put a hand against his forehead. It was hot and he could feel the incoming throbbing and the ache behind his eyes.

There was a new sensation, something that usually didn’t come with the panic attacks. A burning in his hands and feet. He ignored it.

“Drink the tea, bud.” Rhodey nudged the mug towards his face and Tony took a couple of sips. It was delicious. Not too sweet and just the right amount of bitter. It was chamomile. Thor’s favorite because he had trouble sleeping too. It was then that he noticed that the big guy wasn’t in the room.

“What happened?”

Rhodey hummed and sat down on the floor infront of him. “Friday called Thor and Thor wasn’t really sure what to do either. So he called me.”

The blanket on his shoulders slipped a bit and he tugged it back on. The mug was still warm and delicious too. “That guy…” Tony made a fond noise. “‘Wasn’t sure what to do’ my ass.”

Rhodey snorted. “Yeah he did the right thing by calling me and well… at least you know he cares.”

“I don’t doubt it.”

“Buddy.” He gripped his shoulder and Tony was forced to look up at him. “What’s going on?”

And wasn’t that the million dollar question? He wanted to open up and just tell him _everything_. About Natasha, about Friday, about Obi, about the ten rings. He wanted to talk about Loki and his dreams and how he missed talking to him in his dreams and how’s he’s worried about him, but he can’t! He couldn’t because he was crazy and it just didn’t make sense.

Not only that, but he wanted to talk about what happened in Jötunheim and with Odin. He wanted to scream and show the stupid coded letter Skadi had sent and tell him just how much it scared him that Skadi had to code it just to send it and how scared he was about it’s implications. He wanted to ask him what to do because the lady that had raped Loki, killed two of his sons indirectly, was coming to help them and how much it really bothered him; how much he wanted to protect Loki from that woman.

But he was just so tired.

Rhodey gripped his shoulder and his expression was pained and just a bit glassy eyed. “Tony, you’re doing this whole lone wolf act and you don’t _have_ to.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to take your help, and Pepper’s too.” Tony admitted. “Cause I do. But you don’t understand why I can’t. I can’t rely on anyone else besides me.” He rubbed his eyes, trying to stop his eyes from burning and yet they watered and his throat welled. “I just can’t.”

He knew that Rhodey could see why. He had been there when Tony was rescued from Siberia and seen the damage during and after what happened there. He also knew how fucked up it was that he couldn’t even rely on his closest friend. He knew that Rhodey could see how damaged he was. A broken machine that even Tony couldn’t fix and was just waiting to be thrown out. And he couldn’t look up to see Rhodey’s expression even _if_ he was curious about what expression Rhodey might have. With disdain or pity perhaps, or maybe even just resignation that there was no helping this. That _this_ was just who Tony was.

Someone who doubted himself, could never live up to the world’s expectations, and such a goddamned liar to everyone else and even to himself.

Rhodey grabbed both his shoulders and tried to get him to look at him. “Just _tell_ me what you need.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“But you don’t have to make it complicated either!” He argued, but it had no anger, just pure frustration. “You’re my friend and I care for you and right now you look tired.”

“I _am_ tired.” Tony gasped.

He leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Rhodey’s shoulder and, without hesitation, felt Rhodey wrap just a single arm around him and kept the other firm on the floor. He felt grateful because while he _knew_ Rhodey and trusted him, just the fact that he took that extra step to not make him feel caged in was everything to him. “God.” His voice cracked and he bit his lip hard as he realized just how much of a mess he was and how thankful he was that he still had Rhodey by his side. “I’m just so, _so_ goddamned tired.”

“I know.” He whispered. Rhodey held him steadily and without fault as Tony stained the shoulder of his shirt with his tears. “I know.” He repeated.

They stayed like that late into the night and it was only when Rhodey was sure that Tony was fine, did he pull away. After awhile, Rhodey went back home and Tony went to the lab instead. He was working on decoding the letter and was writing down ideas about possibly engineering a body for Friday. One that could allow her to touch and feel and display the emotions she could desire.

Of course, that meant he had to keep her well under wraps to avoid Shield finding out. The last time he had tried to give an AI some unrestricted freedom, Ultron happened. Vision didn’t count. He had the soul stone and Thor’s power turning him into the man he was today.

Besides that, the letter didn’t even reveal any new secrets. Great. Fucking great. All this work and for what?! It was meaningless. Everything was meaningless!

Every day he worked on the suits, upgrading them, fixing them to be better. Fixing and fixing, but he couldn’t fix what had already happened. Yinsen still died, Obidiah still betrayed him and sold his weapons, his weapons _still_ killed innocent people.

Dum-E whirred softly besides him. There was a slip of paper in his claw as Tony turned and looked at him. Softly, Tony held out his palm and Dum-E set it down with a soft whir. It was the card Barton had given him for the therapist.

The same name was printed on it in cursive; S. Selene Iwaldidottir.

With a sigh, he stepped out of his lab and kept walking until he got to the balcony. The big A on the floor taunted him and just reminded him of what he had lost. He didn’t really have any friends to turn to. He had messed that up too, along with everything else in his life.

Pulling out his phone, he dialed the number despite knowing that it was almost five in the morning. He brought it up to his ear and listened to it ring. He just hoped she was a morning person.

It ringed for a few seconds and then it clicked. There was a sweet and tired voice on the other end. “Hello?”

It seemed like these situations always seemed to leave him with a dry throat. He cleared his voice a bit. “Is this Selene? Therapist?” He wasn’t even going to try to pronounce her name, knowing that he’d butcher it the second he even tried to attempt it. “My friend Clint gave me your contact information.”

“Ah…” There was a pause. “Mr. Stark was it?” She asked. “Yes, he mentioned it. I was hoping you’d call.”

“I um…” Tony swallowed nervously. “I’m sorry it’s so late. Or I mean early, but I just-…when’s the earliest we can make an appointment?”

“How about later today at twelve?” He could hear the smile in her voice and maybe he could hope that things would turn out alright.

__________

“A what?”

“Therapist, Thor. She’s a therapist.”

“I don’t know what that _is_ , Tony.”

Did they not have therapists back on Asgard? Well if they did, then maybe Loki or Thor wouldn’t have the amount of issues that they had. Same went for Asgard too really. Mental health probably wasn’t a popular subject up there either. But Thor had seemed to do rather well last night when he had the panic attack so maybe he knew of it, even if it wasn’t common knowledge.

“Everything makes sense now.” He muttered aloud. “Don’t worry about it. Just listen.” The tires of his car screeched to a stop and he parked it just outside the small two-story building. “I just got here, so I’ll be back in an hour. Give or take.” He heard Thor sigh over the phone.

“Tony, if you’re still-.”

“Nope. I’m fine.” He popped the ‘p’ overdramatically. “Besides, I’m coming to professional help for it. No offense, but you have a boat load of issues and I don’t know if that’s good for _either_ of us. And by the way?”

Thor hummed.

“Thank you for last night.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“Well I just did. So yeah, we’re good, we just had a heart to heart and the world is round again.” He stepped right up the pavement and stood before the set of doors.

“You’re nervous.” Thor noted. “You’re making less sense than usual.”

“Okay so maybe I am. But don’t worry, everything is going according to plan.” With a final goodbye, he hung up and opened the door.

It looked cold and calculating. A set of hard chairs along the wall, the scent of some cheap candle in the corner, and the AC on full blast that made him regret not bringing a jacket. There was a lady sitting at the counter. Old and sweet, her eyes were sharp and there were grey streaks in her locks that were tied up into a bun.

“Hello, Mr. Stark was it?” She asked, raising an emaculate eyebrow.

“Yes, I had a meeting at twelve with Miss Uh- Iwald-… I don’t know how to pronounce her last name correctly.”

She hummed and waved him off. “No one does. Don’t worry about it, she just likes to go by Selene. God knows how much of a tongue twister that name is.” She gathered up some papers and skimmed through it quickly. He waited patiently, twiddling with his thumbs and just looking around.

There was a hallway behind the counter and another one to his right with three doors. Two of which had a sign that said ‘in session’ and the last one with an all gender restroom sign. There was a woman in a suit typing away in her laptop and looking periodically at her watch and glancing up at one of the doors. She seemed like she was waiting for someone.

Should he have brought someone? Pepper was a good choice, but he didn’t want her to worry even more than she already did. Still though, he had put Rhodey through a tough time last night and didn’t want to make him go out of his way to be here. And Thor, well, he probably didn’t want to be here either.

“Alright, there we go.” The lady at the counter said and stapled a few papers together. “Sorry, the paper work is always the longest.” She stood up and motioned for him to follow. “I must warn you, Selene is a bit… off, but she’s got a sharp eye for sniffing out bullshit so there’s that.”

He shifted in discomfort and caught her eye. “Is that so?”

She leaned against the handle of the door and frowned at him. “Listen Mr. Stark. I can see you don’t like shrinks. I know I don’t either. Too analytical and cold. But I can see it on your face. You’re looking for an excuse to back out. Maybe you’re here because someone made you or you’re here for relief, I’m not judging, lord knows I don’t have the time for any of that, but if you’re genuinely trying to find help, then this is it.” She hesitated on opening the door. “Just try it.”

And with that, she opened the door and he stepped in, or rather he was nudged inside. The lady gave him a reassuring smile and left after nodding to the woman in the room.

The room in question was comfortable looking and warmer than outside. The walls were painted a soft pastel green and the floor was made up of wooden planks. Sitting inside was a sofa, not one of those tacky and colorful ones, but rather a solid grey color with soft looking cushions. There was a simple table to the side with a potted plant, a vaporizer, and of course, a box of tissues with a small trash can to it’s side.

It looked comfortable and welcoming and yet it felt like he wasn’t intruding somewhere he shouldn’t. Finally, he looked towards the woman he had talked to on the phone hours earlier. She had stood up from her chair when he arrived and was watching him with a soft look.

Selene was not what he expected. She was beautiful, proper, and held herself like royalty and yet her presence didn’t feel intimidating. She had an empathetic air to her and a look behind her eyes that screamed attentiveness.

She was dressed professionally with a black pencil skirt and a white buttoned blouse, but she wore it casually. A few buttons popped open, not scandalous, but relaxed, and black flats. She was wearing a bracelet too. Thick and brown and leathery, and it didn’t quite match her outfit, but it looked like it was something personal to her. It almost reminded him of Thor’s and Skadi’s.

He could swear he had seen her before. A party, a passing onlooker, someone he had saved perhaps. She looked like someone he knew, but nothing came up. A familiar stranger.

Straight brown hair that cascaded down her shoulders with a neat and even trim. Her features were soft. A round nose that fit her heart-shaped face, thin eyebrows, Cupid bow on her lip, and pale skin dotted with a few beauty marks here and there. But it was her eyes that astonished him.

“Contacts.” She said. She motioned to her dark violet eyes that he wouldn’t have otherwised noticed if the harsh light from the outside hallway hadn’t shone upon her face. “I loved the color and I wanted something different.” She smiled wide and the smile was a bit crooked and that threw off the royal air about her. She put her hand up for him to shake. “I am Iwaldidottir, but everyone calls me Selene.”

He grabbed her hand softly and shook it. She had a firm grip, not anything weak, and she made strong eye contact.

“Tony.” He said simply. “I’m pretty sure you had another name in there somewhere. Starts with an S?”

She let go of his hand and he followed her lead, closing the door and sitting down on the sofa infront of her. “Yes I have another name.” She admitted. “It’s an old Nordic name.”

Before he could ask, she leaned forward and clasped her hands. “But we are here to discuss you, not me.”

Tony nodded and tried to relax in his seat. He felt like he was in the spotlight and honestly, he was. All the attention and focus was on him and he was starting to regret even coming here in the first place. But hey, it was a spur in the moment thing, and he thought, what the hell? Rhodey went to therapy and Bruce had taken some sessions too, not to mention Clint as well. There had to be something here if they willingly came even under the scrutiny.

Selene clicked her pen and grabbed the notepad besides her. “You mentioned over the phone very little about what you wanted to work on.” She eyed him and put a fallen strand of hair behind her ear that made her look childish and less intimidating than she already was. “Usually the first session would be paperwork and allowing you to read all the fine print and let you know that everything we say is confidential, but,” She flipped over one of the papers in her notepad. “It looks like you did all of that on your own and sent it in about two hours ago.”

“Yeah well.” He smoothed out a wrinkle in his sleeve. “I wanted to get all the boring stuff out of the way.”

“There is a few papers you have to sign with a witness that we fill out during this session.” She handed over a few papers and a clipboard. “Shouldn’t take too long since you have everything else done.”

“Of course.”

He signed the confidentiality agreements and other papers and then he paused over a certain question.

‘Do you take any prescription or non-prescribed medication? If yes, which one(s)?’

He glanced up and she was staring at him with a small and comforting smile.

He crossed ‘no’ without giving it a second thought and handed it back to her.

She hummed and then just watched him for a few seconds. He shifted in discomfort, but it wasn’t long enough for him to call it out, but it was enough for him to notice the lapse of silence. Selene looked back down at her notepad.

“If I may, you called me last night. Or rather, this morning and requested to book an appointment. Something must have happened last night right? Something to change your mind or convince you to come here.”

“Well yeah, but isn’t that everyone? If something didn’t happen then I don’t think most of us would willingly come to therapy.”

She didn’t look at all put off. “And who’s ‘all of us’?”

Tony sighed and looked at the door. “Us. People like Barton and me and those of us who aren’t exactly holding it together.”

“And you don’t think you are?”

“If I was, I wouldn’t be here.”

There was an unbearable pause and it was quickly becoming apparent that this was going to be a common thing for therapy. He groaned internally. Just what had he gotten himself into? The clock only read ten past twelve. For fuck’s sake.

“Have you slept at all, Tony?”

“Who needs sleep?” He joked. “I find that a lot of my best work and ideas comes without it.”

She stared at him and then opened her mouth with narrowed eyes. “I don’t think you know exactly why you’re here.”

“Does anyone know?” He teased.

“You’re deflecting the question.”

He shrugged and smiled coyly. “You didn’t ask a question.”

“Hmm.” Her eye twitched and then her face relaxed. Slowly, Selene leaned back in her seat. “You deflect. Everything I point out or infer, you switch the focus to somewhere else. You change, you mold yourself into who you want _me_ to see.” She motioned at him with her hand. “You’re smug, narcissistic, snarky. You’re a womanizer who won’t ever be chained down and you do whatever you want.” Her eyebrows furrowed. “But that’s not who you are is it?”

”And you got that only from fifteen minutes of talking to me?”

”That and then some.” She smiled pointedly. “You aren’t exactly off the radar, Mr. Stark.”

Tony cleared his throat and reached over for his glass of water. This was exactly why he didn’t like these things. They always appeared pompous, acted like they knew everything, and they judged you with those peircing stares. It was like she was stripping him out and laying him to dry out in the sun. He didn’t like it and he could see her eyes bounce down to his bouncing leg.

He forced himself to stay still and then she exhaled softly and with a soft smile. “I can see you’re in discomfort.”

“Well, that’s to be expected. I don’t know you, but you seem to know me.” He accused.

“No. No I don’t know you.” She agreed. She smoothed out her skirt and crossed her legs in a ridiculously graceful move. “So who do you want me to know? The you that the media portrays, this person that you’re trying to play, or the you that wanted to come here in the first place?”

Tony stared at her in surprise. Well the lady at the counter was certainly right. She really was good at sniffing out bullshit. Now the question was, did he want to continue with this or just go? He had to be open, and he wasn’t quite sure if he was ready to tell someone.

Selene noticed his hesitation. She cleared her throat and set the pen on her notepad with a soft thump. “I don’t have a big family. I don’t talk to my family at all actually because of things that happened long ago. I was married off because it was beneficial to both our families. It wasn’t for love or anything like that. It was a transaction almost like and I agreed because I believed it was the right thing to do.”

“You family owns a business?” Tony asked curiously.

She laughed and shook her head. “Not quite, but I guess you could call it that.” She rubbed her bracelet. “We had children. Two beautiful boys, but they were in an accident and neither of them made it. My husband didn’t take it so well and I didn’t either. We grew apart. We had already been distant in a way relationships shouldn’t be and we just had enough. We separated not too long after.”

He cleared his throat and felt pretty guilty for the way he had been acting. It wasn’t on her. He had willingly come, had took up her time, and he was being so reluctant to work with her. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

She just sighed softly and smiled at him. “It’s alright. It’s not your fault and it’s not mine either. But sometimes we think it is because we need to have something or someone to blame to maintain in control of that grief.” Selene looked at him and he felt like those words were directed somewhat to him too.

Tony sighed and slumped into the cushions even more. “I don’t even know where to begin.” He had a headache.

“Then start at the very beginning.”

He laughed bitterly. “I don’t think there’d be enough time.”

“We’ll make the time.” She answered. “Now. Let’s get to know each other.” She clicked the pen. “Tell me something simple. Friends. Family?”

“I have three close friends and I consider them family.”

“Their names?”

“James Rhodes. I call him Rhodey.” He clarified. “Thor Odinson. He’s been at my side for the past few months so it’d be stupid to say we aren’t close.”

She twitched at the name and he glanced up to see her looking at him curiously. “Are you a fan of his?”

“You could say that.” She said. “He saved me once so I’d be a fool not to be.” She motioned for him to continue. “And the last friend?”

“Virginia Potts, but I call her Pepper.”

“You and her had been in a relationship up until recently right?”

“Right. We split up a few weeks ago. Put a bit of strain on our friendship, but we worked it out.” He corrected.

“Hmm.” The pen scratched at the paper and she set it down with her hands on her lap. “I noticed you didn’t mention your biological family.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Do you want to tell me about them?”

“Um…” Tony ran a hand down his mouth. That was a loaded question. Did she want to know if it had to do with why he was here or just general stuff? He opted for the general stuff just to be on the safe side. “I was a single child to Howard and my mom- Maria Stark. I’m sure you know who they are.”

The soft smile on her lips didn’t change and she remained silent as she listened. She had given no indication that she knew who they were and her face was as neutral as can be. It unnerved him.

“Right.” He said awkwardly. “Well they died in a… in a car crash, but then I found out way later that they were killed by someone I had been trying to protect. James Barnes also known as Bucky. He was a close friend of Steve Rogers.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “Anyways. I was sorta raised by Obidiah Stane. He took over the company and kept an eye on me until I was old enough to take over. Then the stuff with the ten rings happened and Obidiah set it up to kill me and then he died and it was just so fucked up.”

“Did you see him as a father figure?” She asked, head tilting to the side just a bit. “You called your father by his name, so I’m assuming that he wasn’t that present in your life when he was around.”

“No he wasn’t.” Tony admitted. “And Obi wasn’t really a father figure either. He was too calculating, too profesional to really be a stand in.” He shook his head. “I didn’t necessarily like him, but I… I did love him. He was…” Tony cleared his throat. “He was important to me.”

“And the two are different? Love and like?”

“Yeah.” Tony thought about it. “Yeah they are.”

And it was alright. It was hard at first, but once he started talking, he found he couldn’t stop talking and he didn’t really realize just how many things he had been holding in. He spent an hour just talking about Howard and Obidiah and everything else about his mom. Hell, he even spent a short while wiping away tears using those soft tissues that he had eyed skeptically in the beginning.

Her phone buzzed and she quickly silenced it before looking at him with an apologetic expression. “I’m afraid time is over, and although I would gladly continue, I have another client coming in a little bit.”

“No, no it’s fine.” He croaked and then cleared his throat in embarrassment.

“Tell you what.” Selene leaned forward and pulled out one of her information cards and wrote a number on the back. “I’m giving you my personal number and I’m always available to talk if you need it.”

He reached out and took it from her with a tentative smile. “Thanks.” He muttered and looked down at the number in appreciation. “When can we meet again?”

“Same time next week?”

“Sounds great.”

Over the course of the next few days, he didn’t share another dream with Loki. It was driving him insane. He slept early and slept in every night just hoping to feel the grass blades cut into his skin and smell the fruit in the air. Every night, without fail, he would wake up to no Loki sitting by an ancient tree with a smug smile on his face.

He missed him.

There’s been no progress with the letter which was absolutely frustrating. Firstly, because he hated that he was spending so much time on it, secondly, because if Skadi had to send it coded, then it meant that something was happening and they were wasting time by not knowing what it said.

There was also no word from Asgard and how they were doing on looking for the child rapist. He wasn’t quite eager to see her, but he knew they needed to find her if they had any chance of finding Loki. And wasn’t that Heimdall guy supposed to be able to see everything? Why could he just pinpoint where she was?

He had asked Thor that once and Thor just sighed. “He can see only so much at one time. He is still just a man. Loki was able to hide himself from Heimdall’s gaze. But he was taught by one of the best and _she_ was it. She’s probably hidden herself from view as well.” He scoffed into his mug.

He’s been sleeping, but too much if he was being honest. He couldn’t count the amount of times he had woken up to Thor shaking him awake with an expression that has turned increasingly worried everytime. Still, Thor didn’t ask and Tony was too ashamed to tell him it was just the sleeping pills.

Besides that, Friday had him call Rhodey just because that panic attack awhile ago had been on Rhodey’s mind since then. And like Friday, Rhodey was a mother hen. He was telling him to get enough sleep, which admittedly he was if only because he hoped to see Loki, and he was pretty sure he was telling Thor to keep checking up on him because Thor had made a habit of just chilling in his lab. That or Thor was just willingly there looking for companionship. He wasn’t doing anything, just reading a book or cleaning his armor or just having a conversation with Friday.

Speaking of which, Friday and him finally sat down and talked. He noted down how far she went in regards to independent and non-programmed activity and even what emotions she’s experienced or has trouble identifying. One thing was for sure, she was definitely excited to have an interactive body like the one he was trying to design.

Things were going slow and steady. It felt like the other shoe was just waiting to drop.

A week went by and then two and he was tearing his hair out every night over Loki’s absence. He was sure others were starting to notice. His eye bags had grown prominent, his hands shook and his leg was always bouncing. His talks with Selene were going well, but he still didn’t know exactly why he was there. They had no set goal they were working towards and it felt detrimental that he find one soon.

This night was particularly rough. It was the two symbols that stumped both him and Thor. It felt like it was the key, but they didn’t know to what. Ash and water. Now what the hell did that mean? He had snapped at Thor and Thor had lost his patience with him. He and Thor had gotten into an argument and Fury was on both of their asses about the goddamn letter and he just felt so alone and utterly overwhelmed.

Just one drink, he had told himself. But one drink turned into two and then three and he was losing himself. Loki probably wouldn’t have lost himself in alcohol like this. He probably would’ve been calm and collected and just pushed on through with that same charm and grace he did everything else. And Tony, well, he had been drawn in by his charm.

He sighed into his drink. What was he thinking? That was just stupid and embarrassing. He tipped the cup up and downed its contents, satisfied with the burn in his throat and drowning in its taste and in his own bitterness.

Maybe if he drank enough he could fall asleep like this. Regardless, he knew he wasn’t going to get any sleep and he won’t find any peace either without the dreams. He was just asking for some clarity. Was that too much to ask? He couldn’t even look clear for a second. He faded in and out of focus far too often and he could swear he could see Loki’s reflection in the windows or glass when he walked by.

He laughed almost hysterically to himself. What the hell was he doing?

Eventually, with Friday’s insistance and nagging, he stood on the balcony with the card that had Selene’s personal cell number on it. It hasn’t even been a few days since their last appointment- their third one now- and he was already calling again. He was an idiot, but he knew Friday wouldn’t stop until he called so he steeled himself and forced himself to call despite knowing that it was half past midnight and she probably wouldn’t appreciate it.

She had answered in a groggy voice. “Hello?”

“Hi, sorry, it’s me. I know it’s late, I’m sorry. I just, I don’t know who else to call and I’m so goddamned frustrated and I have so much on my mind and Thor is mad at me again, but it’s not completely my fault and I don’t know what the fuck to do. I really need an ear to listen.” Tony ran a hand through his hair, rambling and fueled by his embarrassment and alcohol induced state.

There was a short pause before Selene murmured out her next words. “Who’s this?”

He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Tony.”

“Oh!” She sounded much more awake now and he heard rusting from the phone and a quiet murmur in the background that sounded like it belonged to another woman. “No it’s fine, go back to sleep.” Her voice was distant over the phone.

“I’m sorry.” Tony apologized. “I realize this probably isn’t a good time, I should just-.”

“No! No! You’re not intruding. I gave you my number for a reason.” He heard the familiar sound of coffee brewing. “Now, do you want to just talk about anything or talk about what’s bothering you?”

“The latter.” He slurred a bit.

“Tony, are you drunk?” She must’ve just taken his silence as an answer. “Doesn’t matter. Well then.” There was a clink of glass and a small slurp of a drink. “Whenever you’re ready.”

It felt easier to talk about everything like this. Over the phone rather than in person. And yeah maybe he was a coward, but he preferred it like that. For some reason, talking about everything sobered him up a bit and he was left with cold dread instead. Still, it felt like relief to be talking about it.

She hummed and added her insight in a few spots until they finally got to what happened in Siberia. There was so much still that he didn’t say. For example, the trips to Asgard, the bracelets with the pearls embedded in them, Rindr, and finally, Loki himself. It just felt like that was stuff he needed to tell her in person. And yeah, maybe he was being too easy and open about everything, but he had spent so long keeping quiet that having someone that knew everything and that he knew couldn’t say anything because of confidencial reasons was god sent. Why hadn’t he done this before?

Even if it felt like he had barely scratched the surface, he had a pounding headache, his nose was clogged, and he felt like shit, it felt like a bit of weight had been lifted off his shoulders. And Selene was amazing. She had talked him through his anger and reassured him that what he was feeling was alright. He really was grateful to Clint for handing him that card so long ago.

“I feel like there’s something you’re holding back.”

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t.” Tony admitted.

“Is it something you want to say?”

“I do, but I can’t do it over the phone.”

He could hear her smile over the phone and could imagine it rather easily. “I have nothing scheduled two days from now. Same time.”

“You’re giving me a closer appointment?”

“Normally I would prefer once a week. You know, to see how the week goes and for my clients to bring up anything that happened during that week if they wanted to talk about it.” Selene explained. “But it’s not uncommon for there to be multiple in one week. Clint’s done it when some days are particularly hard and I don’t have many clients.”

“I can’t imagine why.” And he honestly couldn’t. She had this air about her that just oozed safety and comfort.

There was a voice in the background. The same feminine voice as before. Tony quickly glanced at the time on his phone. He had spent a better part of two hours talking to her and she didn’t even complain once. Still, he felt pretty bad for keeping her up.

“You should get back to bed. I’m sorry for waking you.”

“It’s fine.” She said. “My wife is just grumpy that she doesn’t have me as her heater.”

Well that was a pleasant surprise. He smiled and looked out over the city. “Well thank you anyways. See you then?”

“See you then, Tony.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I know that the first 20 minutes of the first session is dedicated to paperwork and stuff and then sometimes people don’t go into depth about their issues and so forth until the second or maybe third one. Still, I’m only going off my experience from four different therapists so if anyone wants to add tips or mention something, please feel free! Thank you!


	17. Paranoia and Truths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki’s got another plan to escape, but it’s not exactly a happy one, but before he could go through with it, he’s back in his mother’s garden and Tony is there too. There’s a strange tension now that he knows how it’s like to be without Loki and the same goes for Tony.
> 
> But this is it. Tony has to tell someone and of course, it goes just as well as he imagined it would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *The first scene has depictions of torture and idealization of suicide*

Inhale, hold for three seconds and exhale slowly. He cleared his mind as best he could. It wouldn’t do any good to panic now. He shifted his bare sweaty back against the cold metal table he was strapped in. Goosebumps erupted over his naked skin, but he couldn’t hide himself from view.

When the guard or scientist or whatever the hell it was pretending to be, turned to him with the syringe whilst tapping the needle a few times, Loki pretended to be tired and dozy from the sedatives they had injected earlier.

The thing grew near with the syringe and held down his arm. Loki paused, kept himself lax and unresisting and waited as the needle was close to his vein. As soon as he felt the prick, he jolted violently and the syringe tumbled from it’s hand. There was the sound of the syringe shattering and he heard the Chitauri make a noise of frustration and irritation. He turned around to make another one and the other guard snarled from his place. It got closer and wrapped a clawed hand around his throat and squeezed.

The clawed hand turned blue and froze as soon as it made contact with his skin, but for some reason, instead of letting go, the being only pressed harder into him even when it should be painful.

Loki gasped for air and shifted sporadically. There was tears leaking from his eyes out of instinct and his vision turned hazy. Finally, the thing let go with his claws nicking his jugular and leaving deep scratches that oozed blood.

He gasped for breath, but saw it for what it was. A warning. The guard left his side and turned his attention elsewhere.

There was only two of those bastards in the room at the moment. He was just waiting now. He had to put on a show, which wasn’t all that faked considering his fear and exhaustion was real. The restraint had been put on rather sloppily. He had fought and scratched when he had been brought in and they were messy in trying to sedate him. They were so busy trying hold him down, they didn’t notice when the strap on his wrists were looser than normal. The ice- a result of his nerves- had gathered in his hands and it was easy to slip around easier.

They had beaten him for acting out, but he didn’t care. It worked and now whenever they turned their back, he twisted and pulled as silently as he could, loosening the restraint as much as possible.

He wouldn’t be able to escape and he wouldn’t be a fool to even believe so. Admittedly, in the beginning, escaping felt possible, but there was no escaping here. It was a lucky shot the first time he had attempted it. He had gotten pretty far, but he was impatient and wasn’t thinking clearly and he had gotten himself caught.

The gaurds had become more paranoid as a result. There was two guards on each rotation so there was no corner left unseen, strict regimens, and the gaurds lashed out worse than before if something went even slightly wrong. The passwords to important and secured areas were changed frequently and without a pattern. There was no method to it. It was hopeless.

He had found that out after the last three attempts. Each time he had gotten caught, the punishments had only gotten worse from there. Longer days in the room, less food, and they didn’t even allow him to heal before starting on him again.

He was lucky his limbs hadn’t completely rotten away, but it was close. He had lost most, of not all feeling in his right leg, and the black veins had completely enveloped everything to his knees and up to his elbows. It was only because they didn’t want him going into shock so soon that they occasionally turned down the tech so that his skin would heal and then turn it up once more.

They seemed more fascinated with his Jötun skin than his Aesir one. That and they wanted to see how far the black veins could extend.

But of course, without his Seidr, he would die. So grudgingly, they lowered the Seidr blockers in his cell- which regretfully wasn’t enough for him to escape into his sanctuary and as a result, hasn’t seen Tony. It’s been so long too and he was forgetting how Tony sounded, how he spoke, how he acted. Norns… he missed him terribly.

But in this room, his Seidr was stripped away. He had almost cried tears of joy when his skin came back and his body changed back to the way it was before; to the way it was supposed to be. Of course though, that blasted guard that was obsessed with him knew just how much he hated whatever lied underneath his pale skin and would purposely leave him in his disgusting true form for hours on end.

That was the worst form of torture and Loki had lost himself in those moments. Screaming and crying, scratching at those things on his chest, ripping and tearing his own skin with his nails. He was a mess. The whole time during his meltdowns, the guard would sit and laugh and rub at that bulge in his trousers.

He would throw up whatever he had eaten when it was all said and done and he would lay exhausted on the cold floor. What a sight he must make. Covered in his own bile, puffy eyes and tears streaks on his cheeks, greasy and matted hair; he used to have dignity and pride, but shame and revulsion towards himself was all he had left.

He had enough.

Loki quickly stole a glance towards the other guard in the room. Luckily, the thing’s attention was soley in the corner of the room messing around with the red tinted bucket with whatever fluids Loki had left behind last time. The stench that wafted from that thing made whatever little food he had eaten churn in his stomach.

Focus, he told himself.

He glanced down at his hand. Feminine, azure skin and raised lines, like welts, decorated it. He winced and couldn’t stop himself from looking away with a whine caught in his throat.

Get ahold of yourself. You know what’s there.

He didn’t have time and he couldn’t afford to waste it just because he couldn’t bear to see something as minuscule as his own hands. One quick breath, two quick breaths, now look. The strap was loosened considerably and his skin was rubbed raw and he could see the blood and ice covering it. Hopefully they would think nothing of it, but he knew that they cleaned the table and straps thoroughly as to not contaminate other ‘specimen’ with each other. Hence the bucket.

Well, he didn’t say they were good at it.

Anyways, it was a tight squeeze, but it was just enough for him to slip his hand free. The guard was still busy looking for a new syringe and the other guard was morbidly entertained by whatever was in that revolting thing.

He eyed the dagger-like tool in the tray besides the table that held all sorts of ‘surgical’ tools.

That dagger looked far too large and imprecise to be professional.

He steeled himself and forced his hand to be as relaxed as possible. Once he was ready, or about as much as he could be, he yanked hard. There was a loud pop as he felt his thumb dislocate. He bit back the pained yelp and shoved his hand back through the strap when the guard looked over in confusion.

Loki was sweating and squirming in discomfort. To say that it just hurt, was an understatement. It throbbed and there was an unbearable heat as a tingling sensation soon took over. He heard the guard sigh in annoyance as his attention was beginning to waver from the corner and the other guard was still watching him curiously.

Just look away damn it.

He glared at him and it seemed to work because they turned quickly and shifted through the other bottles of sedative drugs it had brought.

Seeing as it was now or never, Loki reached out frantically to that one dagger, hissing as his thumb brushed against the restraint. His fingers touched the hilt and he could see that his dislocated thumb had broken through the skin leaving a severe wound behind. He ignored it and finally gripped the hilt and tried to stick it anywhere under the table.

The Chitauri made a noise as he found what he was looking for and Loki quickly shoved his hand back after the weapon was stuck securely underneath the table with ice. He breathed a sigh of relief as he realized he had done it just in time as the thing turned around and made a noise to the other guard in the room.

Time to begin then.

When it was all said and done, Loki’s throat was sore from screaming, his lips bitten bloody from trying to silence himself, and he was covered once again in his own blood and fluids, they lifted him up from his spot and he was too exhausted to walk by himself. Not like his black-charred legs were able to really support him. He automatically put on the scrubs they had thrown at him, clean ones, he noted oddly, and felt relieved at having his nauseating self covered.

He purposely slipped off the table down to his knees and rapidly grabbed the dagger and pressed it against his stomach under the clothes. The guard assigned to bring him back to his cell gripped his wrists and tightened heavy chains around them while chortling with laughter at his supposed clumsiness.

Loki felt a drop of sweat roll down his face because he could feel the dagger in his clothes and he was hoping that they wouldn’t notice. With a grunt, the guard ordered him to stand up and he slotted his bound hands over the dagger, holding it in place. Carefully and tentatively, he followed the other closely and he knew that his slouched form would be mistaken for lingering pain from what had just occurred to him in that room.

Shoved into his cell, he landed on his hand with the dislocated thumb and he cried out. The guard left with a sadistic laugh and the door slid shut.

It went quiet and his cell was dark. That was what he hated most of all. It was either maddeningly silent or filled with the sounds of other tortured prisoners.

  
He closed his burning eyes and just breathed. Slowly, and inelegantly, he breathed. As the days went by, he did nothing, but wait for death to claim him. Every night, he would pray to the Norns. It was something he had never done before, something he had never really cared for either. But he did. He prayed for light amidst the darkness, for a way out of everything he had built for himself. But it was all in vain. The walls surrounding him held no hope, no spirit, nothing for him.

Dignity, hope, and his way into Valhalla, he had lost it all. He would never see Narfi or Vali and the sweet embrace of Angrboda’s arms were forever lost to him.

Now where did he go when he had nowhere to hide?

Well the answer was this apparently, in the form of a dagger.

He pressed the tip of his dagger to his chest. One push. That was all he needed.

He had to do it, but he had to actually want it and that meant a hard and violent push. It had to pass through his sternum and into his heart otherwise he’d do more damage than it was worth. It’d only hurt for a little bit. It’d be over quick.

He was hyperventilating, he knew it, but he couldn’t calm himself down. He had been so fine with dying before, back at the bifrost when he had let go, so why now was he so scared to go through with it? Perhaps it was because before, he hadn’t had time to think about it before he was already plummeting to his death. Now, he thought about it, there was no urgency, he had time. And yet he couldn’t.

He had no right to be scared. He had no right to feel like he does, but he did and he felt even more guilty.

He just wanted to see his Mother again, but there was no honor in suicide and it was most likely that he’d wind up in Hel instead. But twisted and malformed like all those damned souls come to be there, he would never be recognized by Hela or Fenrir.

He’ll never see Thor either and his heart ached at the realization. If only he had just embraced him one last time and pressed a kiss to his brow. It didn’t matter if Thor pulled away with a laugh at his unmasculine display of affection. If he had that, he would be fine.

But Tony. He would never see Tony either.

How foolish was he? He had expected so much pain and so much agony, but losing his sanctuary, losing Anthony’s company had hurt him in ways he couldn’t even begin to understand.

Loki had come to rely so much on seeing Tony that he hadn’t realized just how lost he was without him. He had hope before, some light at the end of the tunnel, but with his Seidr depleted and too weak to manifest Tony in his mind, his stability had quickly crumbled and he realized that there was no reason to keep on fighting. There was nothing waiting for him when he got out. No family, no friends. Nothing.

He was suffocating without him.

Loki leaned over himself and screamed into his fist. This was it. He was in control and he had the choice on how he wanted to go out. What a coward’s way out, but he had done enough damage and he wasn’t about to let himself be used again. He couldn’t. It was time to put an end to all of this.

He sucked in a harsh breath and exhaled shakily. His sweaty hands clasped tightly around the hilt and his shot his hands away from his body. He breathed in once more, trying to relax himself before he took that final step and plunged it into himself. He shifted his hands around the hilt again and breathed in again.

And then, there was a jolt in his chest. A tether. A pull. He stopped the dagger inches before his chest.

There was a buzz in the walls. They had lowered the Seidr blockers and his first thought was Tony.

He blinked and gone were the cold grey walls, stained and scratched up. Instead, there was soft grass, cool air and twinkling skies. His mother’s garden.

Loki let out a wet sob and crumpled into himself. This was either good timing or the worst.

Behind him, there was a breathy gasp and a familiar voice calling out to him.

“Lokes?”

He craned his neck to look over his shoulder and behind him. A joke. It had to be. There was no way that now, of all goddamn times, was Tony here. He wanted to scream when that same voice called out to him.

  
But it was no cruel joke playing before him because Tony was blinking at him with wide eyes and a disbelieving expression. Tired and pale, it wasn’t just a voice, it was just him.

Loki gasped and looked down at his chest where the dagger had nearly drawn blood. _Weak_. He cursed. He dropped it hastily to the floor like it had burned him. Did Tony see? Did he see what he had been about to-.

“Loki!”

He hadn’t had time to finish his thought because Tony was down onto the grass infront of him with arms outstretched and face twisted in desperation. A hug.

“No!” Loki shouted, voice embarrassingly weak and scratchy. He wanted to embrace the other, but he couldn’t. Loki jolted away from Tony and the man froze mere inches away, a conflicted look passing his face.

“I don’t… I can’t touch you, I don’t want you to leave. Not again.” Loki explained quickly. His cheeks flushed, eyes wide and panicked, and his heart raced even if his heart twisted at the dejected look on the other man’s face.

Tony fisted his hands in the grass and he could see the barely suppressed fury in the shake of his shoulders. “I waited you know?”

“What-?”

“I waited every night for you to show up and you didn’t!”

As if it had been by choice, Loki huffed.

“You’re not supposed to leave okay?!” He shouted. “That’s not how this works. You can’t just up and go just like that. You’re not like them.” Tony whispered. “You’re not supposed to leave me. I... _don’t_ want you to leave.”

And oh- his face was awfully close to his own. The warm brown eyes, the subtle freckles that were few and far in between, chapped lips and he subconsciously ran a tongue over them. He snapped his eyes back up to Tony’s and his eyes looked a little dark a tad bit blown out.

When had he gotten even closer? There were a few puffs of breath against his lips and Tony’s eyes shot down to his lips and then away like he wasn’t trying to do it on purpose. It sent a shiver going down his spine and his breath coming out a little shallow.

But this, he didn’t know what this was, but he knew that he had to get ahold of himself.

“I’m not leaving.” Loki whispered and leaned away a few inches, gaining some space between them.

The strange moment was broken.

Tony’s face fell and his eyes looked a little dazed like he was trying to collect himself, like he was confused about what had just happened.

And Norns did he want to reach out and touch him. He wanted to hug the man and thank him for stopping him from doing something just because he had lost hope, but he couldn’t. He could never do it because he was afraid of what he would do if he lost Tony permanently.

Tony just watched him with a broken expression.

What did he see? Did he see Loki in all his hideousness? Did he finally see Loki as the coward that he really was?

He quickly glanced down at himself. He was himself. No blue skin or raised marks to be seen. It was just the clothes he had worn back in Asgard and messy hair not covered in unknown substances.

He might have hidden himself this time, but he knew exactly what he was. He was a monster underneath this façade and that was just a burden he had to carry.

“We’ll find you Loki.” Tony whispered, thought it looked mostly to himself than to him.

But dare he hope? Loki glanced over at the dagger he had dropped behind him and he knew that his own question had been answered the second he made eye contact with Tony.

Blasted fool he was.

__________

Tony had woken with tears in his eyes and he didn’t want to admit it, but he may have cried into his pillow in an attempt to muffle himself. It was more out of a sense of self-pride than actually believing that he could convince Friday that he wasn’t sobbing into his pillow.

What exactly did he feel? Relief, fear, concern? Maybe it was a combination of all three, and all with good reason. Loki looked terrible. Face gaunt and pale, hands trembling and eyes wild. He was jittery and nervous, glancing around and other times he was blankly staring through him as if he could hear something that wasn’t there.

Which raised the question, was that a memory of some sort, or was that actually Loki? Or had his mind panicked and as a result, Loki had manifested like that because of his own concern?

That’s what he was asking Selene, but throughout the whole conversation, she was quiet and distanced. It was like he spoke and it would go in one ear and out the other. She was just… aloof.

He, of course, started from the beginning. What actually happened in New York, to what happened in Asgard up until recently and finally about his dreams with Loki including the one he had last night. He didn’t mention that weird moment with Loki. He wasn’t sure exactly what had happened either. All of a sudden, they were just there and Tony wanted to close that distance, but couldn’t really bring himself too.

God he was losing it.

“And what do you feel about that?” Selene finally asked and bringing him out of his round of self-pity.

“You think I’m crazy.” Tony accused.

She hesitated and he scowled. He should’ve known better than to tell her. There was no logical explanation for dreaming about a man who, by all means, he had never really known. Of course she would think he was crazy! But he had the evidence that this wasn’t completely without cause. He has Loki’s Seidr in his reactor core. There’s no denying that there was something going on with him.

“You’ve never met this man-.”

“I’m done with this.” He stood up and she reached out to him and put her hands on his arm. He resisted the urge to shove her touch off, and glared at her. “I was hoping you’d understand-.”

“Do you want me to tell you bullshit or do you want me to be straightforward with you?” She snapped at him. “It can’t be both. So you can either listen to me first or you can leave.”

He pressed his lips together, but kept quiet. She let go of his arm and sat back.

“I believe you.”

“But you-.”

She raised a hand up stopping his mmm effectively. “Just because I hesitated doesn’t mean I don’t believe you.” She sighed. “It’s overwhelming.”

And yeah, he could understand that. After all, if he wasn’t knee deep into everything, then he would be most certainly lost with what was happening. Even now he was overwhelmed. There was just so much secrets and lies and pain and he didn’t know how to manage all of that.

“And Loki…” The name sounded off in the way that she said it. “Do you really think that he’s a good person?” She asked. “He invaded New York.”

“Technically, he was forced to.”

Selene’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “He enslaved your friends.”

Tony sighed and agreed. “Yeah and that was shitty, but it would have been Barton or some other poor guy and either way, like I already said, he was forced to.” He frowned at her. “I’m getting the feeling that you don’t like him.”

“No!” She said hastily. “It’s not like that. I don’t hate him. I could never hate him.” She crossed her legs delicately. “I can see him for what he is. A broken man. It was clear that he wasn’t in control of himself. So full of pain and fear.” Selene’s face twisted in grief.

So much compassion for someone she didn’t even know.

“I could never hate him for that nor be angry at him.” She whispered.

“Why?” He asked.

“Because I know that he must hate himself enough for it.” The words were spoken with reverence. “And he doesn’t need mine to add to it.”

She finally glanced up and her eyes widened at Tony’s steely expression. He was utterly dumbfounded. Everyone had some dislike, one way or another, for Loki. Everyone excluding Loki’s family and Tony himself. Though him, with good reason. Tony always knew he had a few screws loose to be honest.

She fixed her posture and he saw her mask slip over once more. “Just an analysis.”

He hummed.

“Well, regardless,” She waved her hand. “This isn’t going away and your ties with Loki only seems to get stronger. You two are connected.” She stated. “You touched a bracelet.” Her hand tightened around her wrist slightly, but she spoke as collected as ever. “Your energy reacted to it, and now you have a piece of him with you. You have his memories and you might even be seeing him.”

He frowned in skepticism. “You mean like, you think that the Loki in my dreams may actually be the real thing?”

“Frankly,” Selene licked her lips absentmindedly and bit on the bottom one. “I don’t think that could be possible, it must take so much energy to be able to accomplish such a feat. And-.” She cleared her throat hastily. “I don’t know much about magic so anything is possible I suppose. But you can’t just write it off. However, everything you have mentioned about him is past memories right? No recent ones?”

Tony nodded.

“Then it is most likely that you know the past version of him from his memories and nothing more.” She mused. “If he were really this version, he would have mentioned where he was or even the most recent events correct?”

“You have a point there.” He conceded. “But what I don’t get, is why does he think I’m just an illusion? Why won’t he even let me touch him?”

She genuinely looked confused at that, but didn’t disregard his curiousity. “Perhaps it’s your own dislike for touch that he may be showing. And he’s a paranoid person like you are, so I think it’s just your own traits portrayed in him.” She shook her head. “Either way, what I do know is that you need to tell someone.” Selene stated. “You’ve mentioned that this has strained your relationship somewhat with Thor because you talk too casually about someone who, by all means, you should know nothing about.”

“Not just him.” Tony sighed. “Odin noticed it, I know Skadi knows it, and Rhodey has caught on too.”

“And Pepper?”

With Pepper, he didn’t really know. He knew that she was kinda suspicious about what was going on, but had never really mentioned Loki around her. No that was a lie. He had most definitely talked about Loki and she just hadn’t pointed it out. She just didn’t make it as obvious as everyone else had done.

“Talk to her.” Selene urged. “She’s one of your closest friends and she’s definitely a rational person who won’t be blind sighted by her emotions so easily.”

He thought on it for a second. Yes that could work. Rhodey was a bit unpredictable, but he could count on Pepper being straightforward and collected as she could be. Start small, he told himself. Maybe then, one day, he could tell Thor about it. But that day was not today.

__________

He invited her out to eat. A light meal since it wasn’t quite dinner time yet.

It was a quaint little spot, open balcony, and modern design with art pieces that he knew Pepper enjoyed. Everything was overpriced and the food was good. Still. The small meal wasn’t sixty dollars good. But whatever. He had the money and Pepper loved everything about the place.

Frankly, he just enjoyed her presence. It was full of steady conversation, happy smiles, and soft laughter and it made him twinge with fondness. This was what their relationship had missed. They had been too caught up in one another and yet far too devoted to other things that they just forgot to cherish these moments between them.

She was happy and he was happy. Seeing her all open, brilliant smile, and the small wrinkles near her eyes, he could remember why he had fallen in love with her. He still loved her now, but he was glad that they had broken up. As cold as it may sound, things were better off like this.

He had some regrets, yeah he could admit it, but they found their way back to one another and that was everything he needed. Her friendship was more than enough and honestly, he didn’t think he would have gotten this far without her.

Currently, the topic had landed on something stable, something rather tame. Stark industries. There was a new deal that Pepper was absolutely enthralled by and she was going over all the pros and cons about it. Her whole strategy was laid out and she explained in full detail how to twist the deal into her favor that wouldn’t really frighten off the offer, but instead make them believe that Stark industries were getting the short end of the stick.

It was cynical and complex plans like that, that reminded Tony just how intelligent and sly Pepper really was. She was definitely a force to be reckoned with. She had, after all, gotten him out of the ambassador title with a few well thought out words.

Pepper reminded him like a jaguar. Moving nimbly, striking the weakest part, and one of the most powerful animals in the world. She truly was his knight in shining armor.

“It’s going well underway.”

“Well how’s it going… with that, then?” He trailed off.

Pepper shrugged and moved her hands about as she talked about stocks and new deals that she knew about. “Oh and the investment in the branch for the-.”

But he wasn’t here to talk about things that he already knew. He was here to talk about Loki. “I have to tell you something.” He cut her off.

“Um. Yeah, what is it?” She asked with a look of confusion and slight exasperationon her face.

“I- I just…” Tony’s foot tapped the ground repeatedly and he forced it to stop, but his finger kept tapping the table insistantly.

Her face twitched in annoyance. She reached out and stopped his hand from making more noise. “What happened?”

“Nothing happened. What makes you think anything happened? Well it did, but it’s not anything bad, it’s just not good either, but-.”

“Tony.” She frowned.

“I’ve been having dreams of Loki since Skadi arrived on earth and I think I freaked out for awhile because I stopped dreaming about him. But then I realized I didn’t want to stop having those moments with him and I actually missed him, but I saw him last night for the first time in two weeks and I’ve just been wanting to see him again even when it’s only been like four hours since then.” He blurted out.

Pepper blinked owlishly at him. “I’m sorry, what?” She set down her cup of water on the table. It made a soft clink as it landed on the glass table.

Tony sighed and ran a hand down his face as he talked. “I touched this stupid bracelet that had Loki’s magic or Seidr or whatever in it and it reacted to my arc reactor. Since then, I’ve been having these specific dreams about Loki and memories and other stuff like that. But get this,” He leaned forward. “It’s all real. All of it.”

Her lips pulled downwards.

“No, no, no, listen to me, Pep.” He held her hand and her fingers twitched.

“I am, but-“

“No please.” He begged. “It’s like a whole other world. Back on Asgard, I didn’t know if anything I saw was real, but there was evidence! I could tell you exactly how the layout of his room was, I could tell you all about Thor and Loki’s mother, and I could tell you things no one else knows! Granted, it’s just his memories, but it’s a part of him!” Tony tightened his grip a bit. “I saw their mother’s ancient garden without stepping foot in it and I know things that Thor would’ve never told me.”

“And what do you want me to say?” She asked finally.

“I don’t know. But I’m telling you now. And I’m going crazy because I wasn’t dreaming about him anymore and the first thing I thought was that something might have gone wrong. It was like the connection broke.” He let go of her hands and leaned away again. “I just… you don’t understand. I need to see him again.

“Tony…” Pepper began. “Are you sure you’re not just in love with the thought of him?” She asked.

Tony frowned and felt irritation flare, but he bit his tongue.

“Don’t look at me like that.” Pepper scolded.

“Well I can’t help it if you’re just gonna dismiss what I’m saying. Did you even understand a word I said?”

“Yes! God yes!” She sighed. “But you have to admit this sounds crazy! Magic and dimensions and holy gardens, you’re seeing a man who you only met once and you think you’re in love with him!”

“I never said that.”

“But you didn’t deny it when I mentioned it the first time.”

Tony brushed his hands through his hair out of frustration. This was getting absolutely nowhere and she was just putting words into his mouth. He hated that he was getting so worked up over it and the fact that he couldn’t just say _no he wasn’t in love with Loki_. And he hated that his cheeks flushed with the mere assumption that he did. Because he didn’t. That was going from zero to a hundred real quick. All he wanted was to save the poor bastard. Why did there have to be such a deeper meaning?!

“Listen Pep, I told you cause I thought maybe you could try to understand, but I’m not just gonna sit around and pretend I’m okay with what you’re saying.”

“I’m not saying anything.” She sounded just as irritated and frustrated as he was. “I’m just worried. You’ve been spending so much time with Loki in your head, nearly every thought leads back to Loki, and you dog after Thor with any hope that he might tell you something about him. I’m just-…” She pauses and her eyes held a trace of pity in them. “What if you meet him and he’s not the same guy? No, what will you do when you realize he’s not?”

  
And okay- she seemed to have accepted that first part pretty well. He could work with that. “Nothing because it won’t happen.”

“But you don’t know him.”

“But I do.” Tony repeated. Pepper looked at him with pity and he hated it. He tried to make her understand what exactly he knew. “I know how much he adored his mother, I know how much thought and love went into the bracelets he made for his friends and family, and I know things about him that he probably hadn’t ever told anyone else.” He threw his hands up. “Jesus Pep. I even know what song he sang to his kids when they were younger.”

“Kids? He has kids?”

“Yeah, not the point. Point is, I know the song. Well I don’t know the exact words but I know it went something like ‘Ash I know, Yggdrasil it’s name, with water…. white...” He slowly trailed off at the end. “Ash and water.”

“Um… Tony?” Pepper leaned forward and brushed a hand against his cheek. “Are you alright? You sorta spaced out.”

“Just a second Pep.” He sat back in his chair, away from her touch and ignored the frown she wore at that. “Ash and water. Ash and water.” He bit his lip. “Ash tree… and water! I got it!” He shot up from his seat and the chair made a loud noise. He knew the other patrons were watching, but he didn’t exactly care. He was ecstatic and eager to get back to his lab.

“Got what exactly?”

“The code. Skadi’s letter!” He leaned forward quickly and brushed a kiss against her cheek with a loud smack. “Thank you, Pep, you’re the best!”

Pepper watched flabbergasted, but not exactly surprised as he quickly stuffed his mouth with more food and moved out of his seat. He set down a couple hundreds, more than enough to pay for the meal and ran out of the restaurant.

“Friday?” He spoke aloud.

“I’m here, Boss.” She responded.

“Good. Now just search up any old Norse songs, specifically dating back to the first Viking settlement in Vinland.” He paused for a sec as he tried to recall exactly how the lluluby went.

“And I’m assuming it’s the same lluluby that you mentioned to miss Potts?” She asked with a more softness and teasing tone than he was used to. “I’ve already narrowed down the search to a few results.”

“Oh.” He said a bit surprised, but quickly shook it off. He really had to get started on making her a physical form. He had done it with Vision, but he had Dr. Helen Cho creating an actual body while Bruce and him had created the rest, and of course Thor had given him the… gift of life? He wasn’t too sure, but he had provided the energy to actually put it all together. Not to mention Vision had the mind stone to help him have his own will.

So yeah, easy.

“Right, what’d you find?”

“The Poetic Edda which dates back to the twelfth century.” Friday said. “The particular lluluby was actually a poem from one section. Prophecy of the Seeress. It has translations in both Old Norse and English.”

He had Friday call Thor, who had been in his lab already working on the letter.

“Tony?”

“The one and only.” Tony hopped into his car after his valet offered him his keys. “Listen, I think I figured out the code.”

“Oh?” Thor sounded relieved. “Do tell.”

“There’s an old Icelandic writing dating back to the twelfth century. It was a poem, but the two symbols, Ash and Water are in it.” He had Friday pull it up to show Thor. “You see it?”

“Yes, I do.” There was a pause. “Tony?”

The way he said his name was off. It sounded more weighted than usual. “Yeah?”

“How do you know about the poem. That it was Loki’s?” Thor asked.

Tony froze and there was a loud honk and he swerved from crashing into the car next to him. Shit, shit, shit!

“What do you mean?” He asked, hoping that Thor didn’t notice his lapse of silence, but he knew Thor was smarter than that. He bit his lip and cursed once more.

“You’ve been hiding something.”

It felt like cold water was dropped over him. “I’m not lying! The lluluby was just the closest thing to what we’ve been looking for.”

Thor sighed. “You do know that I grew up with Loki. I may not be as well versed in the art of manipulations and untruths, but I know well enough to know that you’re keeping something from me.”

Tony snapped at him. “And how are you sure of that?”

“I didn’t say that Loki’s poem was a lluluby.”

He opened his mouth, but no words came out. That’s right, Thor hadn’t mentioned anything about it being Loki’s lluluby. He was just burying himself in a deeper hole.

“And if that wasn’t enough, then there’s also the fact that you didn’t sleep in your room in Asgard. I know because I saw you come back to your room in the morning wearing the same clothes you had been in the day before and Loki’s Seidr surrounding you.” His voice trailed off dangerously. “And we both know that my brother was not there and the only place that holds a trace of it is my brother’s room.”

Tony pressed his lips together. He cursed himself for his stupidity.

Thor didn’t allow him to even think of an answer. “You’ve been hiding things from me. You know things and I need to know if I can still rely on you.” He sounded pained. “The fact that you let it slip countless details about my brother that I know I haven’t told you. And you can’t say it was Skadi because even I can see how loyal she is to him and she wouldn’t ever bring up Loki’s lluluby.”

Okay think, Tony, think. There had to be something he could say. Not the truth, obviously, because… well. Why couldn’t he? Why couldn’t he just tell him the truth? He wanted to, but the words just kept slipping by him.

“Thor, the truth is…” He tried to find the words to say, fueled by telling Pepper and Selene, but the words just didn’t come. “The truth is that yeah, I went into Loki’s room and I found some-.” He was just making it up as he went. “Uh- some writing of his. I took a scan and then had Friday search it up. Which led me to the Poetic Edda. And I just forgot about it until now.” Okay that was plausible yeah, but it still didn’t tell him how he knew it was a lullaby.

He heard Thor’s snort.

“Okay, I get how it sounds. But that’s what happened. I only knew it was a lluluby because a lot of writing surrounding it was made into nursery rhymes from what I had read and I just naturally assumed that’s what it was.”

“And you managed to connect it to Skadi’s writing because…”

“Because if Skadi knows about the lullaby, then she must’ve been counting on you to figure it out, not me.” He bit back aggressively. “But you didn’t, did you? So of course it was just my pure luck that I happened to come across Loki’s writing.”

Thor was silent and Tony groaned into his fist. He hated lying to him, but he wasn’t quite ready to tell Thor about what was really going on. Mainly because he had no goddamn idea how the big guy was going to react. So prolonging the inevitable was what he was good at.

“How did you get into Loki’s room then?”

Tony sighed in relief. “Frankly, I don’t even know. Remember how I touched Skadi’s bracelet and I had a weird reaction?”

Thor hummed.

“Well I think my arc reactor kinda adapted to his magic so when I pushed on Loki’s door to his room, I just slipped in. No magical zaps or anything… Like that.” He trailed off awkwardly. It wasn’t exactly the truth, but it wasn’t exactly a lie either.

He could hear a sigh over the call. The tower was quickly coming into view.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.” Tony said softly.

“No, it’s quite alright.” Thor muttered. “I apologize for my behavior. I’m not used to being so paranoid. That was Loki’s job, not mine.” And he sounded so genuinely distressed, that it made him felt even worse than he did than before.

“It’s cool.” He said through gritted teeth. “Don’t mention it.”

When he arrived inside, Thor had pulled him into a side hug and Tony forced himself to smile reassuringly at him and returned the hug even if he did so a few seconds later than it should have been. Regardless, Thor didn’t seem to mind the delayed response and apologized once more.

It left a sour taste in his mouth.

“Alright Rapunzel, let’s figure this out.” He clapped his hands together and stepped forward to the hologram of Skadi’s letter.

“It’s already done.” Thor mentioned and Tony turned around and gaped at him. The big guy just gave a wry smile and a teasing look.

Frankly, He shouldn’t even be surprised. Thor had on many occasions, proven himself to be brighter than many would assume. Being underestimated was something that Thor just didn’t seem to take offense to, but certainly used to his advantage.

“How?” He simply asked.

“There was a pattern right?” Thor motioned to the positioning of the letters and symbols that seemed out of place in the writing. “I tried to use the number code that we had come up with on the section of the information Friday had shown. It didn’t match.” He hummed. “I tried it with our language and nothing came out of it too. But all the letters of the Jötun alphabet was in the Jötnar translation. From there, it was easy to figure out the rest.”

Tony grinned and offered a fist bump to Thor who didn’t hesitate in meeting him halfway. It was always so surreal to have him do something so down to earth, but Tony would be lying if he didn’t admit that the surreal nature of it was his favorite part.

“Well, Friday, would you do the honors?” He asked.

“Of course.” She replied lightly. “In her words, ‘Greetings, I hope that this letter finds you well Tony. Odinson, not you so much. I have caught wind about the search for Lady Rindr and while I admit that her whereabouts are more or less unknown, she is residing in Alfheim. Of that much I am sure. However there is more that I must mention. Something of great importance.’”  
  


Thor and he briefly glanced at each other.

“‘There have been sightings of unmarked ships around Alfheim and I have seen more familiar creatures lurking in the shadows. Chitauri scouts. They are few in numbers, but they are there nonetheless. I am unsure if there have been more sightings across the nine realms, but I know that they are drawing near. I have more information to share, but I understand the risks of sending you this note. Anyone could find it and so from 16 Midgardian nights from the time you receive this letter, I will have found Lady Rindr and will be at her side when we go to Asgard. I expect to see you there Tony and I ask that you, Shield, are present there as well. Take care.’ And the end of the note concludes.”


	18. For She Brings Dawn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *graphic depictions of violence*

The canteen was bustling with prisoners and the bright lights hurt his awfully sensitive eyes that kept watering every now and then. His ears were far too sensitive as well and he hated that he could hear the creature from across the guarded room chewing. He was still getting off the high of Seidr healers paired with up other drugs in his system to really control himself.

With trembling fingers- cobalt and vibrant- and stomach twisting uncomfortably from both the sight of his skin and anxieties, Loki brought the spoon of questionable soup up to his mouth. He really tried not to look at his hands, but he had to focus on them to eat. The shaking of his hands only served to make matters worse and the contents in the eating utensil spilled and landed on his already stained rags. Still, with determination and throat welling up in frustration as he refused to break down, he tried again.

And again and again.

Each time only seemed to get worse as his frustration mounted and his shaking got more intense as a result of him losing his patience. Eventually he threw his pride to the side as well as the spoon and grabbed the bowl. With as much inelegance and lack of grace, he brought his lips to the bowl and drank it in a way he could vividly remember doing with Thor back as little children. Of course, before it had been straightened out of them by Frigga and her strict table-manners and then again for Sliener, Vali, and even Narfi as they grew into toddlers. When there was nothing else in the bowl, he slumped over himself with a horrible ache in his belly and vile creeping into his mouth.

He was simply waiting at this point. For anything really. For Thanos’s arrival. For his own death. For the next bout of torture. For the next meeting with Tony. Only one of them he was really looking forward to. And perhaps he could even say he was waiting for someone to save him. Thor? Odin? No, they would never come here to get him. He wouldn’t even dare to think about Tony. Crossing those lines between believing the real Tony would come when Loki had only created that illusion was something he couldn’t do.

Just bathing in his company was fine as it was.

There was movement from the corner of his eye and he could see a prisoner being thrown onto the ground and pummeled by a guard. In a flailing mess of brown skin, the prisoner spat blood onto his attacker's face and then things got more violent. There was another person being held back- presumably the poor bastard's friend- spasming out and sweaty. He needed another fix. In other words, drugs. It wasn't too long before a crowd gathered around them and cheered like savages.

It was when it was over and the prisoner on the floor surrounded in a puddle of their own blood looked up and caught Loki's eyes. Violet and hazed, but angry underneath the mess of their dark hair and Loki did not look at him-her?- in pity. In this place, pity is only alive when it’s dead.

But there was something that made him maintain eye contact. It was that the person seemed awfully familiar, but he couldn’t exactly pinpoint it. Perhaps it was their similarity to those of Aflheim or because of the same eye color that Sigyn had possessed, but the person didn’t seem to know him either.

Perhaps it was his own imagination- but then the cogs turned in his head and he realized something. Everytime he had tried to escape, he had done it alone, but this place was too vast, too guarded and no way to go undetected. But… if he had help, maybe things would be different. And as he continued to stare blankly into their eyes, he knew this was his chance and maybe his last go- the last one he could actually make himself do because truthfully any longer like this and he would become complacent and have no semblance of self.

But then again, he had told himself this the first time and then the second and then the third attempt at escape. And then when he had tried to take his own life, but he was still here- not completely there, but practically sane compared to the others. But he could only attribute that to Tony really because he was sure he would have offed himself for mercy’s sake it wasn’t for him.

He couldn’t wait for anyone else to save him, he had to do it himself. He had to prove to himself that he wasn’t incompetent or weak. That he could do this when Thor would’ve been able to do it within the first few days.

Loki wiped his mouth with more force than necessary and stood up.

He didn’t really care to learn his- her?- name nor the friend. He wasn't sure if the creature was a pale purple to begin with or if he was just worn down and sickly. Still, the creature was still sweaty and shifting about waiting for his next fix with those dark scleras that had no iris in sight.

Hello darkness my old friend, he thought suddenly.

Loki momentarily blanked. Tony had said that once and it had just stuck with him even if he didn’t understand it at the time. Tony had just sighed at his confusion and said pop culture reference under his breath. Now, Loki just huffed and smiled to himself in fondness. Regardless, it didn’t matter.

They made a deal. Information in exchange for their own freedom and drugs. He knew more than half of the layout of the compound, he had memorized their schedule and guard rotations, and as for the drugs, well he knew where he could acquire them. Healers. Surely they wouldn't notice if a few went missing. They didn’t seem to keep such close tabs on them anyways since a lot were broken during their 'experiments'.

Of course, he needed something from them in exchange. He needed help to create a diversion and draw the guards away to give him time to find the pod bays. But, he didn’t have to waste time on finding the pod bays because as luck had it, Void Eyes could read the language of the writing on the walls. Loki, thankful that he had taken the time to look over the writings during his first escape attempt, wrote it out for them on the table with traces of the soup and a finger.

It helped reduce the amount of hallways or rooms to look through and left only few areas that should have the pod bay. Easier said than done.

"How soon do you think we could act?" The dark haired prisoner whispered, voice anxious and eyes excited.

Loki bit the inside of his mouth and tasted the blood coating his tongue and teeth. "Now." Loki had replied and shoved his fingers down his throat purposely activating his gag reflex. He promptly bent over and threw up on the white floors. It was a mess of food and blood and smelled absolutely horrid. There were jeers and noises of disgust, but he wasn’t about to wait any longer here. Especially when he had already gotten his hopes up with this plan that seemed easier said than done.

He collapsed to the floor, curling up to look as small and ill as possible.

In a haste, he was taken back to his cell and forced to wait until a healer came. He just hoped the other two would follow through on their end. As he waited, he almost laughed to himself. How simple was this? This whole time, if he had just reached out to someone else, maybe he wouldn't have spent so much time here to begin with. He was an idiot, a fool, an imbecile.

The door to his cell opened and in walked in a young man with a bag of medicines and herbs. He was from Vanaheim. Even without his Seidr, he could recognize it and could even see the trauma in his eyes as his boyish innocence was twisted into something darker. It reminded him of himself all so long ago. He couldn't have been older than Loki when he had married Sigyn. Brought here against the boy’s will, forced to use Seidr to torture many others and then fix them back up, the poor boy had been put through the wringer.

But Loki couldn't afford to hesitate. The second the boy knelt down before him, he spoke quickly and tried not to let him know of his deception. He asked the boy why he was there, what he was doing, how was he feeling, and so forth.

At first, the boy remained tightlipped as he looked him over and tried to see what was wrong with Loki. But he kept at it, trying to convey that they were on the same side, tried to show that Loki didn’t think of him as a bad person, and tried to to comfort him to encourage him to open up. Then with constant pressing, the boy opened up and the words of a lonely prisoner began to fill the room.

The boy talked about his reasons for being there and why he was so willing to be on their leash. He had a sister and a mother that the Chitauri had in another location and if he didn’t help, they would kill them. Admirable really. Loki would do the same, but he knew the truth and the boy most likely knew it too. They were already dead.

He played the part of a vulnerable and frail prisoner, moaning about his chained hands and how he longed to be free of them. He knew the power of words, the power of lies and so forth and it was easy enough to coax the boy into freeing him.

He wouldn’t try to escape he told the boy. He was too weak for that and the boy promised to call the guards if he even tried. They were not friends and they both knew it. Loki rubbed his wrists, purple and blue- huh, he had black nails too. He hadn't noticed that before. Gingerly, he traced a finger over the raised lines of his arms, but closed his eyes when it got too much to bare.

Slow breaths. Tony had told him it helped to calm his heart rate. He practiced it just as he had been taught.

He focused on the medicine in the bag along with strange vials of liquid. Huh- the boy was a witch like Frigga had been and he thought about it with all the fondness in the world.

There was a commotion and Loki could hear the guards whispering to each other before running off from their posts. A riot had broken out in the canteen. Coincidentally, eating hours were also the time where most of the guards were stationed since all the prisoners were in that area. But for the guards outside of Loki's cell to run off too- that meant it was a big riot too.

The boy turned around to the door, alarmed.

With a slow exhale and preparing himself, Loki leapt at him and shoved the boy's face in the ground. His eyes were wide and terrified, glossy with tears, and Loki had to look away. He only realized later that his skin didn’t burn the boy with frost and would marvel on the reason why.

“I’m not going to kill you. I just need the keys.” As quickly as he could, he binded his hands with the same chains he had on him and stuffed a wad of cloth into the boys mouth. He felt around, but the kid was struggling to get out and it made it difficult to really search. ”Stay still.” He cursed, but the boy only glared at him. He would not stop moving and Loki wasn't strong enough to really be able to pin the boy down.

He saw far too late that the kid’s hands were glowing and a blast of power threw him off. He landed on his already wounded leg and he yelped in discomfort. He watched in alarm as the kid’s struggle managed to send the gag falling out of his mouth. As soon as his mouth was free he shouted loud for help and Loki was on him again in a second, pushing past the sharp pain. The kid would not stop fighting and he didn’t want to kill him- he couldn't kill him- he really didn't want to. He was so young, so full of life and fire, and Loki couldn’t snuff it out.

But whether or not he wanted to do it, it had all happened so quick that he didn't have the chance to think things through or to even process what had happened.

The knife he had planned to use to end his own life was used to end the boy's. With a pained yelp and a heart-wrenching whimper, the boy turned limp and cold. Loki's own eyes were dry, but his body was trembling as he looked over his bloody hands and then at the dagger right in the middle of the boy’s chest.

He hadn't ever killed a child before. Innocent people, yes, but not a child. Never had it been a child. But he had to. He had to. The boy would've just screamed. He would alerted them. It was too risky. He knew Seidr. Even if Loki had bound him or knocked him out, the boy would have been able to free himself easily enough. He tried so desperately to find some sort of excuse for himself or to relieve himself of the sudden guilt he was experiencing.

But there was no time to think and he didn’t know if the boy’s shouts had attracted any attention. And so wiping his eyes and staggering to his feet, he ignored the blood on his hands and ripped the dagger from the boys chest with a sickening squelch. He didn’t waste time in sorting through the vials or contents of the bag. He simply grabbed the whole bag and with the dagger in hand, he exited the room. The door had opened with a loud crack as ice had covered it in his emotional state. Sure enough, there were no guards, no mutts, and no one else. He could hear the shouting from the opposite direction and that was all Loki needed before he ran. With a strange limp in his leg, mouth still tasting of copper, and bag making clinking noises, he followed the path he was sure of the most.

He ignored the paths he'd already taken the first time and ignored the paths that the others had informed him were not the Bay Area. Only thing was, he had to find a way to help the other two for- in reality- just translating and making a diversion.

Loki paused in his steps before an unknown room with bolted doors. Underneath his feet, claw marks engraved the floor and led to the other side of the door. Suspicious stains were painted the ground. Blood and whatever else that yellow liquid was. The sign read 'Outriders'. He felt dread collect in his stomach.

Or… instead of doing this, he could just leave. Once he found the pods, he could make a break for it. Just go, don’t look back. This had all been too easy, he didn’t need them in the first place and Loki had simply made things harder for himself.

No. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't. if he took a pod, the Chitauri would only shoot him down. He needed the two to give him a higher chance of surviving. Maybe not to help him like one would suspect, but to be the sacrifice- the last push Loki needed to go on. It was with that thought that he pressed the button to the doors and watched them open.

The stench was utterly overwhelming and vile. Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw.

Beasts with fours arms and dangerous looking claws, sickly dark skin, long faces and no lips covering the bloody fangs that those beasts had. But that was it. They had no face and all were disturbingly thin and large beings, but they seemed to know exactly where they were and who Loki was.

‘ _Father_ ’. It was a whisper in his mind, a gentle caress, and Loki stood frozen. He couldn’t breathe. The dagger in his clammy hand almost fell to the ground, but he kept it tight in his grip unsure if he should attack or not.

They didn’t run out or try to escape, no they seemed more calm than he had expected and waited in the inky darkness of the room. One of them, larger than the rest and much more hideous, stood up on two legs and stepped forward with the clacking of it’s claws on the metal ground. It looked over Loki and reached out to caress a sharp finger over his face.

A sharp sting and then the familiar feeling of blood rolling down his cheek from where it’s claws had scratched him. So sharp that he hadn’t even felt pressure from it.

“What are you?” Loki shakily whispered.

The being breathed out hot air, putrid and smelling of copper. He still couldn’t move as the beast wiped the blood away from his face.

‘ _We are you and you are us._ ’ It sounded like a ghost- a husk of a voice- deep and effeminate at the same time. It was like multiple voices speaking at the same time.

Before Loki could really let that sink in, there was a shout at the end of the hall and that damned guard with the unhealthy fascination with him stood. Hand outstretched and face wild with both fear and confidence that Loki would simply walk over to him- like Loki belonged to him.

Then it was overwhelming anger at everything he had been put through that made his mind go into a blur. All the pain, pleading, and everything he was forced to do against his will. It was him that stripped him of his skin and forced him to look at himself. For his limp that would most likely never go away, for the torment and humiliation he had gone through, for all the touches and gropes and attempts to own him- both mentally and sexually- oh he was burning in rage.

Heavy breathing, grit teeth, and blood dripping from his palms as his black nails dug into his skin. Skin prickling and anger bubbling within him, he could feel the hatred consume him and knew the heat underneath his skin was a result.

And yet, with his voice cool and level, he pointed the dagger at the figure at the end of the hall and said under his breath, “Tear him to shreds.”

And with a single spark came a flame and with that flame, came chaos.

It was like a flip had been switched and the beasts in the room let out similar screeches sending shivers down his spine. They ran over one another and violently clawed each other, shredding skin and bones to get to the objective down the hall.

With a sharp inhale, Loki crouched into himself, covering his head with his hands and tried to make himself as small as possible to avoid getting trampled on. He heard their frantic movements, the claws scrape against the walls and floor, but as he waited for them to inevitably get to him he peeked out and saw them steering clear of him, going as far as going completely around him.

The screaming started and Loki could hear the ringing in his ears. His heart beat was too loud and his legs were shaky as he stood up. After everything he had suffered at his hands, damn him if he wasn’t about to look now. He would engrave it to his memories and look back at this with glee even if his stomach churned at the sight.

They tore into him savagely, splattering blood on the walls and dismembered him quicker than he would have liked. He would have been happier with his pain drawn out. For hours if he had the chance, but he supposed he would make do with this.

His mouth filling with saliva made him aware of the bile creeping up his throat, but he refused to do it. He had to remain strong in this moment. And he did remain strong as one of the beasts grabbed the guard’s head back and exposed his throat and in a second, another leaned over and sunk their teeth into his neck.

The screaming cut off and the sounds of blood and ripping continued as they devoured him.

And when one of them lifted up their bloody face and stared at him, Loki felt a wave of comprehension brush over him.

_They are me_.

Everything they had taken from him- his blood, his sweat, his tears- all the experiments they had talked about, this is what they had created. The outriders. He was them and they were him. And with that thought, it was easy to tell them what to do next.

“Destroy everything until nothing else stands- spare the prisoners.”

And they did.

As soon as they left, the alarms went off and the hallways were bathed in red. Belatedly, Loki glanced over the corpse, unrecognizable and a sense of dissatisfaction came over him. It should have been at his hand.

But even now that his voice had been taken from him and even as his body was cold and dead, Loki could still hear him vividly. It was like his presence was still there, still choking him, still caressing him, still running hands down his body that didn’t belong to Loki then. And his words were still floating about in his mind.

“You thirst for blood,” The guard had told him once in the darkness of the cell and with his breath heavy on Loki’s neck. “And with blood I filled you.” And Loki had been quiet throughout that day, had turned into a husk even when the sweat ran down his skin and hands had torn into his skin. But those words whispered into his ear had stayed with him over the sounds and smell and everything else, but he didn’t understand it then.

He supposed he did now. And this bloody and morbid sight filled him until he was sated.

He couldn’t stay here any longer. He had to find the bay. The Outriders should create chaos and in that confusion, his two helpers should be able to escape as well as anyone who had half a mind to try and escape.

Just as he turned, the ship trembled and shook violently. He was thrown to the side and onto broken glass. His chest hurt uncomfortably and he tried not to look at himself or acknowledge why. With a hiss, Loki looked down at his arms- blue- cut up with glass poking him everything. The bag he was hold had been thrown and it’s contents spilled out. There was a broken vile with liquid seeping out and mingling with the puddle of blood, but he froze.

Mouth agape and lip trembling, he watched the strange liquid- silvery and vibrant in color- seeped into his wounds and not only healed them, but his skin shifted back into the pale skin he had before. Loki sat up, the glass crunching loudly, and breathed heavily.

He had a theory to what it was, but he didn’t have time to test it out. He picked all the vials up and shoved them back into the bag, but with one vial in his grasp, he popped the top open and downed its contents. Bitter and sour, he gagged.

Still, only seconds later, his skin shifted into it’s rightful state. With trembling fingers, he looked underneath his rags and almost cried when he realized that he didn’t have female genitalia anymore. However, he wouldn’t admit that he did cry when he felt up his chest slowly and anxiously and found that he had pecs instead of what he had forcibly gotten used for past few days- weeks?- and tasted the salty nature of his tears.

This was all he needed to know. From the low buzz underneath his skin and black veins disappearing from his legs and hands, it was Seidr in a bottle. He wasn’t even sure how they managed such a feat. How convenient. He laughed out loud to himself and grabbed another vial. It was the same liquid as the first one and he looked at the others to find that every single vial contained seidr.

That’s what they had been using to drug the other captives. Seidr. Not just any Seidr, but his. How he hadn’t figured it out, he was unsure, but there was absolutely no way he was going to give it to those two. They should be grateful that Loki even told the Outriders to spare them- even gave them the chance to escape!

Loki shakily got to his feet and made his way slowly to where the bay should be. Flexing his fingers, his skin began to burn as he tried to use his Seidr. He pictured an illusion of himself, but as the burning grew even worse and sweat beaded on his face, he gave up. If he couldn’t summon something as easy as an illusion, that meant the Seidr blockers were still on high.

It didn’t take long to find the Bay Area and he sighed in relief when his eyes landed on a pod. Small and most likely claustrophobic to be in, but he was desperate. There weren’t a lot of guards left and he quietly took them out, using the sound of the blaring alarm to his advantage and reverting back into his quiet tricks.

He pressed the side of the pod and stepped in, quickly fastening his belt and throwing the bag of medicine to the side. As soon as the cover shut and hissed, the doors opened to let a whole bunch of Outriders and prisoners out into the bay. Like savages, they attacked one another and tore apart any other guard in sight.

Loki huffed out an annoyed breath. He had ordered them to spare the prisoners, so either some idiot had attacked them first or an Outrider had attacked them. Not his problem either way. He had to get out of here. As soon as he started to turn the pod on- pressing buttons really- movement outside caught his eye.

It was the two that had helped them. The one with the dark eyes had been injured- missing one arm and near death and leaning heavily on the one with violet eyes. Rosy fingers wiped the sweat from their face as they struggled to drag him over to the pod.

It struck Loki then that he knew who the dark haired person was. He stood up then and opened the top of the pod.

“Eos!” He shouted and caught her attention.

She looked up with a surprised expression, but then recognition dawned on her.

She mouthed his name, Loki.

He was at a standstill. Did he help her or did he leave? If he stayed any longer, he risked going down with the rest of the ship, but dammit! He owed it to Sigyn to help her sister.

How couldn’t he have recognized her?

It was the torture perhaps, or the centuries since he had last seen her, but how could he forget her face? Those eyes that only the royal bloodline of Alfheim possessed.

She hadn’t recognized him either, but then he realized, it was because he was a Jötun before and now he looked like the Aesir. Norns, just one more person who knew of what he possessed under his skin.

He cursed himself, but Eos made the choice for him. She shook her head and then mouthed for him to go. As soon as she dumped her friend’s limp body into the pod, he called her name again. When she turned, he threw the entire bag of medicine in her direction.

She fumbled to catch it and looked at him with wide eyes.

“For helping me.” He shouted and that was the end of it.

As soon as he sat back down and eyed the few vials he had kept for himself. He didn’t have time to think what he had done through when there was an explosion that rattled the entire ship and he hurried to bring his pod out of there. The pod bumped against many things and shakily made it’s way out with Loki behind the wheel. The gates to outside was wide open and the vast space before him made his heart beat in anticipation.

He accelerated and soon he was flying out into open space. He glanced back to see many other pods, hopefully one with Eos in it, shoot out as well. He didn’t have time to celebrate as the ship’s weapons started to shift and train on them. One by one, ships were shot down in horrifying bursts of red and orange. He swerved left and right, trying to avoid being shot, but many weren’t so fortunate.

But as Loki got more and more distance, the buzzing under his skin grew stronger and stronger. He watched that blasted ship in his visor get farther and farther, but the mounted gun was trained on him. In one second, the whole thing erupted into a large explosion and the Seidr under his skin snapped. He didn’t know if he screamed or not, but his throat ached afterwards as soon as there was an influx of Seidr burning every inch of his body. Too much and far too overwhelming. Sweat rolled down his face in a mix of tears and blood. It was tingling and mind-numbing and so utterly painful.

It felt like he was going to explode.

The pod was spiraling out of control and hurdling in incredible speeds through the endless space. It could have been hours like that, with Loki trying to subdue the burning under his skin, but failing to do so.

Think, think! He told himself. There had to be someway he had to cool himself and quick. And then ironically, the thought came to him.

Ice.

It seemed almost comical that this time, when he willed his skin to turn blue and welcomed the change, it had been by his own choice. He resisted the urge to scratch at himself, but the urge was still there. But the Seidr that came with his form was new and unfamiliar and reacted to his pain. There was ice gathering under his palms and frost building on the visor and enveloping the whole pod.

And although it quelled it some, there was heat and water forming under him where his skin touched the ice. He was melting the ice. He was melting from inside.

He had to get the energy out and fast or it would consume him. His rags were starting to burn and smoke wafted off of them. Everything was far too hot.

He had couldn’t risk damaging the pod as it was his only method of traveling, but he needed somewhere to let out all that excess energy. With a pained yelp, he slammed his hands onto the ground, palms flat and thought flexed his hands with one thought in his mind. He had to get on solid ground.

It didn’t take long to find a barren rock floating in space. Maybe a moon going off by it’s size, but with very few shrubs and trees. It wasn’t ideal, but he didn’t have many choices.

His landing was rocky and desperate and he was tearing at his own clothes trying to cool himself off and his nails dug into his skin meanwhile. He tried to get purchase onto anything at all, other pain to draw his attention to.

Frantically, he opened the pod and stumbled out, nude and skin glowing purple rather than blue and he stumbled into water. The water started to boil around him, but it froze too. He didn’t exactly know how to describe it in the midst of his pain and panic, but it was an interesting sight for sure. Finally on solid ground, his restraint snapped and the surrounding area exploded in a mix of fire and ice. It was so powerful and intense, his vision blurred and he swayed into the water- or where the water used to be- and blacked out.

It could have been hours or days before he woke up, but eventually he did. There was ash in his throat and in his nose and he coughed, trying to breathe, but the air felt tight and strange. Every inch of his body ached, but there was a familiar buzz and a sense of life within him that he hadn't felt in such a long time. Confused and in a daze, he looked around, fully expecting to see the cell and the dark nature of the room- even expected to see the playroom- but instead he was met with a chaotic sight.

Everything looked dead and burned, but a layer of ice covered the land. What seemed to have been water beneath him, was a strange misty fog that was a mixture of ash and snow. But completely around him was a crater with him at it's center.

Then it hit him. He huffed out a laugh and turned back to the destruction before him. Destruction at his hands. He slumped down onto the floor and with his arms outstretched, he let himself fall onto his back and watched the dust settle around him. There were embers at the tips of his fingers, burning and hot all the same, but he welcomed it.

The sky wasn’t visible, but if he tried enough, he could make out a single glowing star.

He was free.

Like a dam had broken, the tears just cascaded down the sides of his face and he let himself break down. Biting down on his hand, he sobbed embarrassingly loud that even he couldn't muffle himself.

He was so… so tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya’ll this chapter was a long time coming and I’m sorry for the wait, but enjoy! Please let me know what you guys think! And see you all soon!


	19. Portraits

After Skadi’s letter had been decoded, Thor and he both realized that they had spent so much time on trying to figure it out that Skadi would be arriving only mere days later. There was no time to relax. They set to work trying to figure how to go about Skadi’s arrival and plan out exactly what to do because she wasn’t coming alone either.

Shield, of course, had to be informed. Skadi was coming back to Earth with their only hope for locating Loki. Except their only hope also happened to be a dangerous individual who wasn’t against killing, going as far as resulting in the death of her own child. Of course, they weren’t aware of that particular information, but still. He was just glad that Shield was as paranoid as they were. After all, they needed things to be secure and organized.

Considering Rindr was still banished from Asgard, it wasn’t like Skadi could take Rindr there. And even if she could, then the time it would take Tony to schedule another trip off-world would take far too much time. Time of which, they didn’t have.

So he could see why she was coming to Earth instead. She must’ve realized that the next best place was to come to Earth where Rindr won’t be in danger of facing Aesir citizens. As for Odin, well he could just make the trip here instead assuming that he wanted to be a part of it. He had implied it after all.

When notified, Fury insisted on having Skadi and the most likely unwilling prisoner arrive in one of their bases and having the whole thing play out there. They couldn’t exactly keep her as prisoner for a number of time though.

Rindr had been banished from Asgard and nothing more. She was not a fugitive in all of the nine realms so they couldn’t hold her accountable for crimes she had committed when she was on another planet entirely. But they couldn’t deny that she was dangerous and powerful if she had been labeled as the second best in terms of Seidr.

So that’s how things came about.

The cell she was to be placed in was more luxurious than any cell he had come to know. A basic table nailed down to the floor and accompied by chairs. There was a single bed at the end of the room, and a toilet with no walls or curtains for privacy. But it was clean and that’s what made it a luxury.

The cell was surrounded by glass and it reminded him of something similar like they had for Bruce on the helicarrier. The room surrounding the cell looked normal. With a table, computer monitors, and more chairs to the side for others to sit. It looked about as comfy as it could get.

When the day came, Clint had already made himself comfortable before the others had arrived. They were talking about Selene and how things were going and just having a comfortable conversation as friends when Fury and Nat graced them with their presence with Rogers following closely after them.

Of course Tony uncomfortably gave Rogers a polite nod and hello before sending a smug grin at Fury who looked less than thrilled to be there. Nat just flicked him in the forehead and told him to play nice.

It was alright. Awkward as fuck, but nice.

Pepper arrived not long after and gave everyone stilted, but professional smiles. Despite her dislike towards them for what had happened, she was still composed as per usual. Frankly, she didn’t have to be there, but she had insisted.

“Support.” She had merely said, and then that was that. And support she did. Her presence was the only reason why he wasn’t drinking bottles at a time out of nerves. God he could just throw up with everything that was happening.

They waited and sat around in silence and drifted in and out of tense conversations to pass the time.

The only people that were missing was Bruce, which admittedly, maybe it was for the best, Rhodey who, in his words was ‘not about to get involved in that shit-show’ but had other things to work on. I.E. the mission in Europe, and Thor. Thor who had gone to Asgard to make sure that Skadi and Rindr got here safely.

There was a slight tremor as the bifrost opened over the base. They waited patiently as they were presumably being escorted underground to where they were. As soon as the doors opened, he knew it wasn’t going to be good.

To say that Thor looked furious was an understatement. Face red, eyes narrowed dangerously, he was positively fuming. It was to the point that Tony was surprised there wasn’t any smoke coming out from his ears. Infront of him, a woman that he knew must be their girl.

Rindr. She seemed less than thrilled to be there, almost like dealing with all of this was too beneath her. She held herself in a manner that screamed for attention, for people to listen.

Like a teacher ironically.

Chestnut brown and sleek hair sat daintily on her head in a bun, small wrinkles decorated her almond-shaped face betraying how old she actually was despite her lively and innocent looking grey eyes. Her- he was going to call them goat ears- stood out from the rest of her. She looked like, for a human, too old to be considered someone well into their forties and too young to be considered a granny. In reality, he knew she was perhaps more than a couple millennias. Definitely older than Thor that’s for sure.

Despite her looks, it was clear that she wasn’t someone to be taken lightly by the way she was chained up. She was dangerous. Her wrists were tied to her front with heavy looking chains and under the thin and tightly wrapped dress made of soft cloths her legs were chained too. Something similar to what Loki had been wearing oh so long ago.

Then there was a familiar sight of pale skin, white hair, and a wind of chilly air as Skadi walked in, face stony, but reaching out towards him with a smile once they made eye contact. Tony smiled wide and embraced her in a strong hug to which she squeezed back even harder. “Hello there stranger, long time no see.”

“I’m glad you made it here safe.” He replied. “Why didn’t you just let us know where Rindr was? From what I’ve heard, she’s dangerous and you’re…”

She rolled her eyes. “Glad to see you think so highly of me. But I already knew where she was and I know she moves and travels from place to place sporadically. Knowing that, should I have wasted time coming to you or notifying the Allfather, I may have lost her tracks.”

“Then why send a letter at all? Why not just call out for Heimdall and let the Allfather send a guard to let us know?” Tony asked.

“I don’t trust the Aesir.” Thor raised and eyebrow and Skadi huffed. “Not all of them at least.”

It made Thor’s lip quirk up. “And coded?”

“Should my message have been intercepted, I didn’t was the Chitauri knowing that their presence has been noticed. It gives us an advantage if they think we aren’t watching.”

“Good point.” Thor pointed out.

Tony frowned. “Hold up. How did you know where Rindr was when Heimdall couldn’t even see her?”

“People talk.” She muttered. “Let’s just leave it at that.”

He nodded and then looked over her shoulder. He didn’t feel comfortable keeping his eyes off her as he was too wary and on edge to risk it. Rindr was sneering at him and making a disgusted face, either at him or at Skadi. He wasn’t too sure. “Charming aren’t you?” He asked sarcastically, but then a movement behind the woman made him freeze with his breath caught in his throat.

It was a face he hadn’t been expecting to see.

“Hey, Tony.” Bruce whispered and Tony was slack jawed as he let go of Skadi and got an armful of Bruce. Belatedly, he hugged back as hard as he could and heard Bruce let out a small ‘oof’.

He was warm and real. It wasn’t a hallucination, he was sure of it. His hair smelled like dirt and earthy and his body heat was higher than an average human, but normal to Bruce. Belatedly, he somewhat expected Loki to pop up too since Bruce was standing here, flesh and blood, but he didn’t.

“Where have you been?!” He shouted and pulled back to look at him. It had been so long and he could see how much he had aged in his bloodshot eyes.

He looked worse for wear. His face was dirty and pale, his body trembling slightly, and eyes a little hazy. It looked like he had just reverted into himself, but if he had been the other guy then there would have been news about it everywhere. But there wasn’t.

He tried not to let his eyes water, but there was a familiar sensation of his eyes prickling.

“I don’t know.” Bruce admitted. “It’s all a blur. I-…” Bruce trailed off as he caught sight of Natasha who stared back with a disbelieving expression. “Nat.”

“Bruce.”

There was an awkward silence, but Rogers sighed out loud and broke it. Thank God for that. “Banner. It’s good to see you again.” With arms wide and inviting, they embraced in a short and relieved hug.

“You too. All of you.”

“Give me some too.” Clint murmured and gave a tight squeeze after Rogers had let go.

During the midst of this, Skadi and Thor had directed- more like manhandled- Rindr into the open cell.

“Don’t touch me Jötun scum.” Rindr had cursed and her voice sounded as old as she looked.

They didn’t remove the shackles once she was inside and locked the door.

He couldn’t exactly explain what he had felt in that moment when she walked in. Disgust, sure, anger, oh absolutely, and none of them were positive. This was the woman that had taken advantage of Loki, manipulated and blackmailed a fucking kid!

She stared at him and he stared right back. Both unwavering in their strange competition. He wanted to memorize her face, the face of what a truly horrible person was. He knew she could see the hatred in his eyes and in the snarl of his face, but her own face was sharp and expressionless.

But there was something that stood out to him. Her face looked awfully similar to Skadi’s now that he thought about it. But they were both from Alfheim, so he supposed that’s why their features were similar. Weird ears, pale skin- but then again, Skadi was mixed species. With a Jötun father and a mother from Afleheim if he remembered correctly and he didn’t know if that could result in genetic mutation. Or a lack of pigmentation which Skadi most certainly had.

“Are you hungry, Bruce?” Pepper had asked interrupting his train of thought. He turned to see them give each other a warm hug that had Bruce’s face twisting with a thousand emotions.

They had been close too before Bruce’s disappearance. He couldn’t count the number of times he would go downstairs and see Bruce and Pep talking over a few cups of steaming tea- lavender. Bruce’s favorite.

He had always been a bit jealous about Bruce’s calm personality and his ability to interact so smoothly with Pepper, but he knew it wasn’t like that. They were just so alike one another and their friendship had come so easily.

“Yeah. Thank you.”

Pepper rubbed his back and pulled away with a teary smile.

Tony quickly offered to order something.

“No need.” Fury spoke. “I’ll have someone bring food down.” His expression was relieved as he caught Bruce’s eye. “I was notified the second you showed your face. It’s good to see you’re okay.”

“You as well, director.” He turned to the others in the room. “Anyone care to fill me in?”

“Okay- hold up. You came with them.” Clint raised up a hand. “How’d you there in the first place?”

“I’m not sure. I just know I woke up to that lady-.”

“My name is Skadi.” She murmured, arms crossed and sitting non so daintily on the seat next to Thor. They were both positioned closely to the cell, almost like keeping guard.

“Right, Skadi.” Bruce corrected. “Up until she and that lady showed up when I was naked and panicking in the middle of a dense forest and telling me that I had to go with them.”

At that, everyone turned to look over at her. She just shrugged and gave no answers.

Noticeably irritated, Thor lightly smacked her shoulder and she slapped his hand away. The both muttered few annoyed words at one another. It was harmless bickering.

“Fine, fine.” She relented. “When I returned to Aflheim, I had soon come to learn that there had been sightings of a green beast in the woods. It wasn’t aggressive nor violent so the people let him be.” Skadi pursed her lips. “He was for the most part harmless, the animals loved him and the people often left fruit and food for him, as a gesture of goodwill.”

Rogers asked. “How did you know that he was from Earth?”

“Luck.” She voiced. “When I was looking for Rindr, I happened across her in the middle of the woods, her bound hair a nest, and clothes ripped and face bruised. Infront of her, there was a naked man with a tint of green leaving his skin.” She looked over at Tony. “It was only because of pictures you had in your home that I recognized him.”

There was a small knock at the door and a woman came in with a tray. She quickly and quietly set down the plate of food onto the table and made her way out.

And despite knowing that it was real, watching Bruce scarf down food like a starving man made him feel like all of this was so surreal.

His hands were shaking and his nose had little bit of dried blood. His face was very very pale and there were still traces of green at his fingertips.

Oh Bruce.

“How recent was this?” Tony asked.

“Three Midgardian nights ago.” Skadi answered.

Nat then spoke up, voice just a little strained. “And what do you last remember Bruce?”

He swallowed and tried to clean his face up a little. “Ultron.”

Tony turned to Bruce in shock. “So you’ve been the other guy for-!”

“More than three years. Yeah.” Bruce sighed. His eyes were bloodshot and voice was a bit scratchy. All that time spent as Hulk looked like it really did take it’s toll on him. He didn’t look so hot.

“If you don’t mind me asking,” Natasha spoke to Skadi. “Apart from Bruce, how did you get our friend over there to come so willingly?”

Rindr snarled and turned her face away.

“Easy. I just mentioned Loki and she ran to do the rest.” Skadi answered.

“She doesn’t look to happy or willing to have those cuffs on.”

“I have something on her.” Her lips twitched. “To comply with whatever Odinson here wanted and my mouth stays shut.”

And that was that. No one pressed her for more answers and Thor cast his gaze away in discomfort. He shifted in his seat and Skadi sent him a threatening glare immediately.

“What are we waiting for now?” Bruce asked and drew everyone’s attention back to him.

Tony guided Bruce over to a seat. Thankfully, he didn’t have to answer because Thor seemed to catch his expression and speak for him. It must’ve been a really pititful expression that he wore.

“We’re waiting on the Allfather to arrive.” Thor answered, but his face looked exhausted. “But I’m afraid he will not be here until mid-tommorrow for reasons he would not share.”

Well that really put a dent on things didn’t it?

“The Allfather?” Bruce asked with a high voice. “Like your dad? The king of Asgard?”

“You really have no idea of what is going on do you?” Natasha spoke softly, but her question was more like a comment.

He shook his head sheepishly.

They quickly went over what was going on starting from the beginning.

Skadi’s arrival to Earth, what that scar on the right side of her stomach meant for Clint, but it had Skadi shifting uncomfortably and wrapping a hand around her stomach with a grimace. Still, they had to talk about it and it’s association to Loki. They had been branded by the same person. Tortured.

But it was that same mark that had Clint talking to Tony and as a result, had him piecing together what really happened. Loki’s appearance, his manner of attack, a plan that made no sense, and then his eyes.

“Oh I remember.” Bruce rubbed his head with a pained look. “I mean- it’s there, but I don’t-…” He groaned. “Loki’s eyes were blue, but I remember them being green afterwards. I just thought it was the other guy remembering things wrong.”

Thor hung his head with a frown. “Fuck.”

So many hints of what really happened and they had no idea for all this time. Loki had been punished and the truth had always been at their fingertips.

During the whole talk about Loki, Pepper kept sending him knowing looks. He tried to wave it off, but he was so aware of them. He couldn’t pretend that he didn’t see it.

They pushed through. They talked about Thanos and the infinity stones and then about their search for Loki. The public had been made aware, the League of Nations was working together, and Tony had been the first man to enter Asgard and then Natasha had joined him the second time.

They didn’t talk about the Avenger’s initiative falling to shambles and the Accords situation was far too complicated, but he knew Bruce was smart and he caught on quickly that something wasn’t right. He made a promise to himself and to Bruce to talk to him about it once they had a chance.

Eventually, they arrived onto the subject of Rindr and what exactly she had done.

While Rindr sat quietly and barely even acknowledged them, Thor recounted what he had told the others at the meeting. His distaste and hatred made apparent as Rindr laughed at his story.

“He loved me.”

“That wasn’t love.” He snapped. “And how dare you bind your hair knowing it’s implications.”

She just tittered at him knowingly even if Tony himself didn’t understand what having her hair bound meant.

It started to get more and more aggressive as their voices increased.

“Alright enough.” Fury ordered. “There’s no point in wasting time here if the Allfather isn’t due for another twenty-four hours and I assume we have to wait for him right?”

“Right.” Thor grit out.

“Alright then.” Rogers agreed easily. “It’s been a long day, I think we’re all tired and exhausted and we should try to get some sleep.”

At Tony’s encouragement, Thor was convinced to retire to a room not too far from here assuming that they’d spend the night here. It took awhile, but soon he was walking down the hallway.

Bruce was taken to a medical ward just to make sure everything panned out and the others left to do their own thing. Although his own eyes were starting to feel heavy and he wanted to take a room as well, too much energy and adrenaline was still coursing through his veins. He soon found himself sitting in the employee lounge with Pepper.

“What the fuck am I doing?”

“Your best.” She replied easily. They were both silent for a few moments, both so distracted by their own thoughts. For a few moments, they drank at the steaming cups of dry and clumpy hot chocolate that they had found in the cupboard. Tony winced everytime he drank at the overly hot liquid.

Did Loki like hot things? It wouldn’t make sense being a Frost Giant and what not, but maybe that was just stereotyping.

There was a hand over his own and he twitched a bit in surprise. Pepper’s hand always looked so delicate and manicured compared to his own, worn by years of work. So feminine and frail, but Pepper was absolutely not frail. Not by any means.

He turned his hand over and held her hand tightly. It would’ve been so easy to intertwine their fingers, but he didn’t have to. He didn’t even want to. That intimacy with her wasn’t what they needed, but he did pull her hand up to press a small kiss to the back of her hand.

Twisting to face him a bit, she reached out to with her other hand and ran a hand down the side of his face. She watched him for a few seconds, her eyes bouncing between both of his eyes as though looking for something. She let out a small breath and closed her eyes with a furrow in between her brows.

He wondered what she was thinking to warrant that look, but he supposed she always looked the slightest bit stressed out when she was with him. It made him feel guilty, but not enough to really do anything about it. It is what it is. He would’ve loved to fix everything for her, but life wasn’t fair and he knew she didn’t want that.

Eventually, she opened her eyes again and she whispered in a low voice. “C’mere.”

Without a question, he accepted her embrace with his face buried in her shoulder and felt himself relax as her fingers combed through his hair. Granted, the position was a little awkward and uncomfortable, but it was something he didn’t want to pull away from just yet. He happily let his mind go blank.

It was just the feeling of fingers massaging his head, the motion of her breath coming in and out slowly, and the smell of hot chocolate on her clothes mingling with her perfume. Not the one he had bought her, but he preffered this scent instead. It was grounding.

She huffed. “You get this look you know.”

“Hmm?” He was too dazed to really pay attention.

Pepper let out a small sigh. “When you think of him… of Loki…”

He tensed.

“You get this look.” She continued. “Like you miss him… like you really just want to see him.”

He pulled away then. His throat was dry so he reached over to grab his drink again.

“I’m not saying it like it’s a bad thing.” She corrected. “I don’t know what to believe. But I know you. I mean-.” Pepper shook her head. “Magic and Loki and everything else- this is honestly not the craziest thing that I’ve ever experienced. What’s to say that what you told me isn’t impossible either?”

She stood up from her seat and pressed a kiss to his temple. “Just don’t shut me out okay?” He hummed in agreement. “I’m going to bed. Try not to stay up too late.”

“Will Rhodey be here tommorrow, do you know?”

“He said he’ll try, but didn’t really add more to it.”

He remained silent as she scooted her seat in and made her way to the door. Her heels in her hands and her stocking covered feet padded on the cold ground.

She didn’t finish her hot chocolate and her mug had a small lipstick stain on the edge. With a fond laugh, he poured the rest of the drink into his own empty mug and put the other dish into the dish washer after rinsing it. Habit he supposed.

There was a knock at the entrance of the door.

“Mind if I join?”

Tony sighed and he turned around to see Rogers waiting hesitantly outside of the room.

Testing the waters, Tony leaned against the counter and answered honestly. “If I said yes?”

“Then I have an offer you can’t refuse.” Rogers motioned to the cup. “Hot chocolate?”

Tony nodded slowly, not really knowing where this was going.

“I know where the honey and the marshmallows are.”

It was almost ludicrous, almost nostalgic to hear him talk so seriously about something so light. Yet, he knew what the connotations were behind it if he were to accept the offer.

With a hand extended to the kitchen, he decided that maybe it was time to find closure, whether it was good or bad. “By all means, go ahead.”

Rogers smiled and walked over to the other cupboards, giving enough room between them without making it too unbearable. Still, he could feel the awkwardness in the air.

He spoke to dispel the silence as Tony slowly made his way back onto his seat. “When I woke up from the ice, everything was different, but I remember there was something so small that finally made it clear to me that I wasn’t in old Brooklyn anymore.” He had grabbed a small saucepan and filled it with milk before setting it over the stove. “It was the hot cocoa.”

Tony snorted to himself. Out of everything he could’ve said, it was hot cocoa?

“Listen I know what you’re thinking.” He teased. “‘He’s crazy’ and yeah you might be right, but I was expecting the same thing my mom would make and when I drank it for the first time after waking up, I remember spitting it out.”

In another small bowl, he began mixing what he believed was cacao powder, vanilla, and raw honey into a paste. At least, that’s what he read on the labels of the ingredients.

“It was so powdery and so dry.” He scoffed. “I ended up trying to replicate the taste and I think I was just desperate for something I could hold onto.”

Ah. There was a small feeling of guilt in his stomach as he couldn’t help, but connect this story to his friend Barnes. In both instances, Rogers had been desperate for something to hold onto, for something familiar.

There was a clink as the bowl hit the saucepan when Rogers mixed the both of them. The smell wafting from it was good.

“You know,” Rogers hesitated. “I’m actually afraid of change.” He poured the contents into two mugs. “I desperately tried to imitate the same hot cocoa my mom made for me as a kid, I tried to stay the same soldier I was in the war, and I followed Bucky hoping that he’d remember me.”

He ran a hand down his face. “And I know it’s probably just human nature to want to hold onto the things we’re familiar to, but I’ll admit, I’m selfish and I wonder if that’s the reason I stay the same.”

“Why haven’t you ever told me this story?” He gripped his hands around the warm mug.

He shrugged and took a sip from his own cup. “We were teammates, but I thought we weren’t on the same side. Not really.” He grimaced. “We were too different, both too stubborn and hard headed I suppose.”

Tony closed his eyes and looked away and fuck, that actually really stung. Admittedly, he sort of knew, but to hear that he had been thought so little of felt like a slap in the face.

Roger’s let out a sigh and his voice was soft. “You weren’t my concern and because of that I guess I just didn’t know how much it would hurt you.”

“I get it.” Tony grit out, refusing to look at him. “Just goes to show obvious it was to everyone, but me that we couldn’t trust each other…” He muttered to himself. He was so stupid to think that things would ever be different. He had been fooled once during the accords and fooled twice in this moment by thinking that they had a friendship before any of this had happened.

And the truth was that one didn’t exactly need trust to be able to work together.

“I’m sorry.” Rogers looked into his drink bitterly. “I was never the best at making friends.”

“Is that what we were?”

“I think we were on our way yeah.” He admitted. “But… you’re wrong.”

“About which part?” Tony scoffed.

“The trust part.” He frowned. “I trusted you. Maybe I didn’t show it, but I did. Still do.” Rogers shifted his foot, scuffing the toe of his shoe into a spot on the floor. “I thought I could save you the pain of the truth, but I realize that it was just me saving myself the pain from telling you.” Finally, he met Tony’s gaze earnestly and with a shaky voice he spoke. “After all that you’ve done for us- for me… you deserved better. And there’s not one day that I regret having kept this from you. It tore me apart to stay silent, but I genuinely thought it was for the best… I was wrong though. And for that, I’m so sorry.”

They were silent for what felt like hours. It wasn’t exactly uncomfortable and it wasn’t what he had expected, but it was still more than he thought would happen.

“I’ll forgive you.” Tony admitted. “Not now, maybe not even in a long long time, but I will. But I don’t think we can ever be friends. We weren’t then and we won’t be in the future.”

“I know…” He whispered. “You’re a good person like that.”

Hesitantly, he took a small sip from the mug Rogers had given him. It was way better than the one he had made for himself and Pepper and distinctly familiar, but he knew he had never tasted this before.

“And the cocoa? Does it taste the same?” Tony asked.

“Not at all.” He laughed. “…This tastes so much better. So I guess that just means it’s time for me to let go.” And his face was nostalgic and soft as he stared meaningful into his cup.

And suddenly it was just... Steve. Not Rogers or Captain America, it was just Steve. Same old reckless idiot who was far too patriotic and genuine for his own good.

Tony sighed into his cup and felt the tension in his shoulders dissipate. “Me too.” He eyed the hot cocoa and slipped in a few tablets. “You forgot the marshmallows by the way.”

“There goes the moment.” He rolled his eyes and slurped the rest of his drink loudly.

______________

Loki was admittedly calmer. He looked peaceful, unstressed. He wasn’t a picture of health by no means, but there was something different about him. Something he couldn’t quite pinpoint.

The sketch was laid in between them and Tony ran his eyes over every detail. The rough lines, messy shading, and smudges from where Loki had accidentally put his hand added to the whole piece. Running his fingers over it, he could feel the slight indentations in the paper from where Loki had pressed the tip of his pencil a little too hard.

He had spent so much time just watching Loki’s hands and just admiring them. Long and elegant, veins prominent and reminding him of those marble statues in Greece. Perhaps he was just exaggerating, but he couldn’t deny that they were beautiful. Unable to drag his eyes away, he watched the way Loki gripped the edge of his paper, observed intently the way he moved his hand to fit the pencil more comfortably in his hand, and tried to memorize the way the pink on his knuckles as it contrasted with his pale skin.

Loki frowned and mumbled under his breath as he looked at the drawing he was working on. His hair fell into his eyes and Tony reached up to put it behind his ear, but stopped himself halfway. Too distracted to notice, Loki pursed his lips and tried to erase a small part of the drawing that looked absolutely fine to him. Still, Tony brought his hand back to himself and swallowed dryly.

It was honestly bothering him and he wished he could just reach out and do it, but he couldn’t bring himself to. He was right there, at the tip of his fingers. Alive and well.

Just do it. One quick touch. Just fix his hair to keep it from going into his eyes, it wasn’t too hard, and yet his heart pounded. He could feel his breath shorten and palms grow sweaty, but he was determined.

But as Tony was trying to make the decision to close the distance between them, Loki reached up with a hand he had been casually and mentally commending to brush those loose trands behind his ear. Tony cursed at himself. It wasn’t for long though as Loki’s face was clearer to see and easier for him to silently admire.

Would his ears turn red if he blushed?

He felt his brain short circuit at the thought and shook his head mentally. It was just the busy day, that must be why.

He focused his attention back to the drawing. A potrait that Loki had been working on for some time.

It was of a young boy, not even a teenager if he could guess.

From the light shading of his hair and texture of it, it seemed like the kid had blond and curly hair. His eyes were shaded lighter color too which probably meant he didn’t have dark eyes like brown or black, but too dark to be green or blue. The boy’s face was also softer as though he hadn’t lost all his baby fat just yet.

“And this is Jor? Didn’t know he was a blond.”

Tony tilted his head forward, keenly aware that the action made Loki’s breath hit his cheek. Loki made a startled noise, just barely audible over the gentle breeze through the leaves.

He turned to meet Loki’s wide stare, his face only inches away. Quickly, he glanced down to his lips, but back up to meet his gaze.

Curiosity he supposed. He wasn’t sure what had prompted him to look. Actually, he wasn’t sure why he had been doing anything he was doing lately and Loki most certainly noticed where his eyes had shot to. His Adam’s apple bobbed and he found himself mesmerized by the movement.

But with a short clearing of his throat, Loki turned his head away. He leaned away and a frown crossed his face. “It’s not blond, he’s red-haired. And It’s Jörmungandr. Or at least say Jör.” His voice was a little hoarse.

Tony mentally freaked out over his own actions. Just like Loki, he pretended not to notice what had happened just a few seconds earlier. He chose not to dwell on it. “It looks blonde and yeah like I said. Jor.” Tony said, barely stifling his grin.

“No! Don’t say it like- by Thor’s hammer you are an idiot.” Loki cursed at him as Tony laughed at his offended expression.

“Not my fault his hair looks blond.”

“The drawing is in black pencil!”

They bickered for a bit more, but eventually he had the full picture.

From what Tony knew, the drawing was only what Loki remembered, but Loki wasn’t sure how he looked now. After all, Loki stated that he would be in his teenage years by now and perhaps look a lot different. Still, he explained what he could. He had red and curly hair like Angrboda and hazel eyes like Angrboda’s mother. He had been only a child when he had been separated from Loki and unlike Fenrir, Hela, and Sliepner, Loki had no idea where his youngest son had disappeared to.

Tony watched as Loki’s face turned cold and eyes grow sad as he ran a finger down the drawing. A small leaf from the tree above them fell onto the drawing and covered Jörmungandr’s eyes. With a clenched jaw, Loki brushed it away with more force than necessary. He set it down next to the other portraits.

Sliepner was the first drawing he had done and he looked staggeringly similar to Loki even looking like the kid he was depicted as. According to Loki, he was tan like Thor, had dark and short curly hair, a rounder face, and green eyes. He looked like Loki’s carbon copy as a child or at least that’s what he had heard from Odin and Frigga.

Sliepner had only been a little over seven hundred years old when he had been sent to Vanaheim under the care of Frigga’s brother. He refused to elaborate the reason why he had been sent away. He said he had vistited often and Sliepner was close to a millennia and a half now. About twenty four years of age if his math was right. But if that was the case, then why didn’t Loki draw him like the young adult that he was?

Tony really had to do some research on them. Maybe it would shed some insight or there would be some mention of Loki’s kids.

Loki hadn’t drawn anything of Vali or Narfi and Tony hadn’t asked him to. Although he didn’t draw either of them, he had drawn Fenrir and his daughter Hela. And finally, he could put a name to the other children he hadn’t been made aware of.

Fenrir had brown eyes, strong features like Angrboda, but very short dark and messy- not curly- hair like Loki. He looked like a teenager and Loki had mentioned seeing him and Hela a couple times after they had been taken from him when they were just kids.

She was the oldest of the triplets; Jör and Fenrir. And Hela was absolutely beautiful. She looked like Loki with her green eyes, dark sleek hair, and sharp features. But the left side of her face was a tad different. She had a red tint in her left eye and the left side of her face bore raised marks that would seem like scars if he didn’t know better.

They were Jötun marks. The same exact marks on Helblindi’s face. But out of all his children, only Hela had inherited it and he wondered why.

They sat for hours surrounded by the portraits and he listened with rapt interest as Loki spoke about them. He talked about memories and old stories with his children. Although he mentioned a few struggles that came with being a young father, the majority of what he said was happy and joyful.

It was so easy to imagine Sliepner, the young boy with a mischievous streak to challenge Loki’s own, with the countless stories that Loki told. He was submissive and generally very sensitive, but absolutely spoiled and impatient. He knew that Loki and Sliepner had more of a sibling relationship due to their close age, but he still didn’t ask how old apart they were.

The triplets all had conflicting personalities if he was being honest.

Fenrir was very close to Angrboda and from what Loki had said, had trouble expressing his emotions. He was respectful, kind, but he had a backbone and said things without really understanding the effect of his words. While he did get better at it with age, he still had trouble recognizing his own feelings and was prone to anger when he was frustrated.

Fenrir was someone who liked to be in control evidently, but he hated when people talked to him like he was slow because of his difficulties. He was color blind apparently and had a very sensitive palate that his siblings made fun of often, but he was a kind-hearted soul with a lot of patience.

Then there was Hela who had gotten the short end of the stick concerning her health.

Her heart didn’t work as well as it should have. She had trouble breathing as a result of it and the air to her brain was affected as well. She had trouble remembering stuff, not too severe, but enough to be noticeable. Because of her memory problems, she relied on others for her medication and was very clingy and anxious when separated from her family for a long time.

Although she was clingy and overtly anxious, she was very witty, intelligent, and had an intense personality. She was definitely a force to be reckoned with.

And then there was Jör. So independent, brash, rude, had no filter whatsoever, and he had the biggest heart out of all of them. Although he was a bit of an airhead at times, he had good intentions.

God he could imagine it so well. And it was to the sound of Loki’s voice that he was lulled to sleep within a dream.


	20. Adoring

He was lost, cold, and utterly exhausted. What was he to do in these moments? Lost and forgotten, floating aimlessly through space. There was no destination or at least none of which he could take. He was lost. How does he even find where he was supposed to go?

The ship grew smaller and smaller and he grew weaker and weaker. His seidr was healing him, but he had been deprived of it for so long, that it felt strange and foreign. It was weak- so very weak and wild. His Seidr reacted to everything he was feeling and it was that lack of control that made it lash out and go rampant like when he was kid.

And so he was back to learning the basics in between sleeping and eating whatever rations he found on board. Palms outstretched and facing up on his lap, he breathed and focused on small spells that he should have already mastered, but have to relearn. A small flame had appeared in the middle of his palm and he directed his attention to three spots on the floor. He had to light all three of them- one after the other, but in a certain pattern and with varying sizes. And while he lit up all three of them, it was all at once and it was a flame so large that he couldn’t will away. He was lucky he had the ice to calm it down, but then the temperature went down far too quickly and the controls on the pod weakened and slowed.

He cursed at himself. The forgotten god of fire, but fire he relied on not.

And perhaps it was because he had come to rely so much on the ice, that he had spent more and more time in his Jötun form- ignoring whatever unfortunate additions that came along with it- and analyzing. It started with his fingers and then moved up to his arms and then he focused and traced the lines and bumps on his legs and got to the knee. He hasn’t gone much further than that.

Still, he had come to- well not accept it, but tolerate it in a sense. He supposed it was simply curiousity.

When he wasn’t exhausting his Seidr, he was letting it heal him. All that time in torture had really taken its toll and he could feel his Seidr stitching him back together. It focused on the more severe wounds, but the strain on his organs and bones and literally everywhere else was so intense that his Seidr was overwhelmed with everything that it had to fix. And so, he was in tremendous pain and unable to move for hours while he felt his bones shift and organs move within him.

Oh was it torture in it’s own way.

He focused on anything else during those times, but with the size of the pod and sleekness in design, there wasn’t much that he could look at. There were no imperfections in the wall to count, nothing on the ship worth analyzing, and nothing outside for him to look at. It was simply dark inky black that absolutely terrified him to look at.

And perhaps he was torturing himself by sitting at the visor of the front and just forcing himself to watch outside, but it felt like a necessity. Thanos had found him in the void, what if he were to come out now? And so he watched for hours and hours, waiting for anything at all. Meanwhile, his skin itched and his breathing was quick and he felt lightheaded. Still, he forced himself to look outside and he could vividly remember falling through that endless void for what felt like eons. Screaming with no one to hear, reaching out with no one to touch, looking out either blind eyes, and listening to the sounds of his own breathing and heart beat in the stillness of nothing.

He passed out. More than on one occasion when his paranoia and anxiety grew too much and he couldn’t force himself away.

And so that’s how his days went. He dreamed of Tony, and he woke up to practice and practice and heal and heal. Then he ate the ration for that day and then spent hours just staring outside. His own reflection stared back at him and by Norns was he ghastly to look at.

Pale and gaunt skin, muscles weak and body thin, eyes sunken and dark, lips cracked and dry, and then all the bruises and cuts on his face and body that the clothes he had found on the pod could not hide. That was simply the worst thing about his slow healing. It didn’t focus on his bruises or outside wounds, it focused on everything else that he could not see.

The pain and the severity of his injuries he could ignore, but not the ones that were blatantly obvious on his body.

The first few days of this endless pattern had been alright. He was sane and alright, but then the delirium begun to set in and he was driving himself mad. More and more he retreated into his mind just to see Tony.

Tony, Tony. Tony. Tony-.

It was quickly becoming a spiral into insanity and Loki was getting absolutely tired of it.

____________

When morning came, they all ate breakfast together in a strange sort of silence. It was more comfortable than he would’ve imagined. Eventually, he felt pretty good to be there as Clint began to strike up a conversation with Bruce about his experience in Alfheim. Skadi would add in her two cents or flush out a few more details now and then, but stayed quiet for the most part.

They didn’t really know when Odin would make his appearance, but they all decided to head up to the cell room where Rindr was being held. Eventually Rhodey made an appearance looking well put together and crisp like always.

After introductions with Skadi and happy reunions with Bruce, they found themselves sitting about and waiting. Skadi and Rhodey got along surprisingly well with their dry humor, but it shouldn’t have been as a shock as it was.

Pepper, on the other hand, stayed close to Thor. They were both talking in low voices about something that he couldn’t really make out. He kept dragging his gaze over to them and he felt his stomach twist in nerves at what they could be talking about. Eventually Pepper looked over and met his gaze with a frown. He snapped his head over, but he knew there was no use in playing it off.

At the back, Natasha was stuck in a conversation reminiscent of old missions they had done in the past and comparing to the now. Clint would probe and joke with Steve about his age and Bruce would roll his eyes and preffered to keep his own thoughts to himself.

He tried to follow along, but it felt like something was wrong. Why would Pepper and Thor be having a conversation under their breaths? What did that mean for him?

He focused on the cell. Rindr looked just a little worn out in through the glass. Her hair was slightly mused and her eyes looked tired, but that didn’t stop her from assuming her stiff posture in her seat and eyeing them with a sharp glare.

It wasn’t too long of a wait because the base trembled a bit and the conversation quickly died down. For a few minutes, they sat in silence and anticipation. Finally, the door slid open and Fury followed after Odin who looked non-surprisingly out of place. His gold armor and long billowing cape made him stand out, but it was his single eye that made most if not everyone shift with anxiety.

He knew they could feel the power roll off him in waves. Eventually, Odin’s eye landed on Tony and Tony didn’t smile or speak at him. It would have been too inappropriate, he knew that and instead he gave a short inclination of his head in respect. They were on Earth now so they didn’t have to show that sign of respect, but he could tell that Odin had been slightly caught off guard with that gesture. He gave a short and clipped nod in return.

“Um, let us introduce ourselves-.” Fury began, but Odin held up a hand and interrupted him.

“I know who all of you are and you all know who I am.” He spoke. “Please, save us the introductions and let us proceed.”

Fury clenched his jaw and cleared his throat. He motioned to the cell where Rindr was. “By all means then.”

Two gaurds, equally draped in gold armor, followed him stoically until he stepped up to the glass cell.

“Thank you. I am here for Lady Rindr and nothing more.”

“Ha!” Rindr exclaimed from her seat inside the cell and she shot up like a child given a toy. “Look at you! Why you look ready to drop dead at any time!” She mocked, eyes wide and teeth clenched. “Serves you right! You who took everything from me.”

“Everything of which you never possessed.” Odin spoke cooly. He walked a few steps along the cell almost as though analytical of its structure and reminding him like a predator circling their prey. “Loki was never yours to begin with.”

“But I suppose he only yours to control, correct?”

Thor growled low, moving from Pepper’s side and to where his father stood. “How dare you.”

Before things could escalate any further, Odin growled. “Enough.” He hit the end of his spear- Gungnir- against the floor and the sound echoed in the room intimidatingly. It effectively silenced the impending armument in the room.

He tapped the tip of the spear to the glass. Tony couldn’t exactly see what his expression was like, but he knew his calm voice betrayed what he was actually expressing. “You want to find Loki correct?”

With eyes wide and lip trembling a bit, Rindr nodded and swallowed. “Yes, but I-.”

“Then do so. Have you no shame or respect?” He growled are her.

“I am Loki’s consort! I deserve the respect!”

“You are none of that!” Odin shouted back at her. “You are not bound by marriage or by blood into the family. You wear our bound hair falsely.”

“I gave him a son.” She argued.

“And that son is no more, you saw to it that.”

At that, her mouth snapped shut and her face went pale. It had been said so causally that Tony winced at the same time Thor’s face fell with pained look that he quickly covered up.

“No blood, nor marriage, you are nothing, but a disillusioned woman believing you are something greater than you are.”

There was a tense silence in the midst of his words.

Her jaw clenched repeatedly and her breathing was harsh. Perhaps it wasn’t a smart choice to be insulting her when she was literally the only chance they had to find a trace of Loki, but he didn’t dare to go up against Odin.

But that begged the question, how did Odin feel about it? He had taken the Vali away from her when she had threatened to kill him and then banished her for what happened with Loki. Surely that meant that Odin cared for the both of them and his anger certainly proved that too, but he knew Odin was conniving and manipulative. He only showed what he wanted to show.

A worried and angry father? He was playing the part well, but if he was lying, then he didn’t understand why he would do it in the first place. There was no bigger picture, there was nothing to gain by being angry, but for some reason, he couldn’t believe that he was upset only for what Rindr had done to Loki’s son and to Loki himself.

He was, after all, the same man who banished his son to another planet entirely in a sense of weird closure.

But maybe he was genuinely furious with Rindr for what she had done to Loki.

Maybe he wasn’t lying. Maybe he cared. And there was even the hint of regret and guilt in his eyes Because he blamed himself too. For not protecting his son enough.

Tony just turned his gaze away, pretended he didn’t see it in the first place. Guilt or not, it didn’t excuse everything else Odin had done to him.

Eventually, Rindr spoke. “I will find him.” Her voice was shaky. “And I don’t believe you for a second.”

Thor clenched his fist, but he kept his mouth shut.

“I will need specific things though. This type of tracking is very complex mind you.”

“What do you need?” Tony asked.

“Materialistic items are not able to hold onto as much emotional sentiment as non-physical things. So nothing that you could possibly provide, Midgardian.” She said with a huff.

He had to restrain himself from cursing at her.

“What do you need then?” Odin asked.

“A memory and a physical object acting as the anchor to that memory.” She licked her lips. “Something that you have witnessed that had brought forth immense pain. You see, that sort of pain and emotion leaves a trace that- if strong enough- can be tracked for miles. All you need, is the right one.”

He hoped they had both of those things because if they didn’t, Tony would lose his mind if he had to wait more time.

“Why not a happy memory?” Thor argued.

“I’m not well-versed in tracking that sort of signature.” But her smug grin said otherwise.

She wanted something something painful, something that would torment anyone who offered that memory.

Thor looked panicked at what she was asking. “But we don’t have an anchor-.”

“I have a portrait.” Odin spoke and he pulled out a bloodstained photo. Was that what had taken him so long coming down? He had an inkling that that was the reason. He seemed too ready, maybe he already knew what Rindr would ask for and that made Rindr’s eyes twitch in irritation. Still, Odin held it up with the picture facing everyone in the back.

Close enough to peer at it, he sucked in a breath when he realized what he was looking at.

He assumed it was a painting- a very detailed one of Vali and Narfi sitting together on a bench, the same one that he recognized in Loki’s garden. Or their mother’s garden more like. Both young and so, so tiny.

Vali looked pretty similar to Rindr if he was being honest. Despite looking like an eight year old he closely resembled her with his straight chestnut-colored hair, almond face and grey eyes. His smile was wide and toothy as he held to the boy next to him. A little older than a toddler.

Narfi didn’t look like Loki all that much, so he assumed that he took after Sigyn more. Violet eyes, soft features, dark brown hair, but his hair was slightly wavy like Loki’s.

It was certainly strange to see the infamous boys so happy and lively and it made his stomach twist as he saw the crimson stained onto the portrait. A macabre reminder.

“You have the sentimental object, but I need the memory. A happy one or a one that brought great pain.”

Odin glanced at Thor, but Thor simply stared at the portrait with a wide-eyed stare.

“Ah, so in that case, if none of you have ever witnessed something that holds so much of sentimental value of him, then I’m afraid I can’t help you.”

Thor murmured under his breath. “That’s the portrait we made on that day…”

Odin continued to stare at him expectantly.

That day… Narfi and Vali and Thor… what was that day?

“You said…” Thor trailed off. “Tremendous pain?” He finally tore his gaze from what Odin held in his hand.

“Yes, Odinson.” She smiled wide and manically. “Something you have witnessed that has utterly broken him.”

“Oh-.” Tony’s eyes widened in realization. “Oh fuck.” The dried blood on the portrait made sense now and it was such a horrible irony that it left a bitter taste in his mouth.

He could feel the others staring at him. He caught Pepper’s eyes and she mouthed at him.

‘ _You know_?’

He opened his mouth, but he couldn’t force the words out or say anything that could save himself from the curious and questioning gazes. Especially from Odin. His cold stare sent shivers down his spine and it was clear he was waiting for his move.

Thor saved him from saying anything by nodding. “I have a memory, but I need to know what you intend on doing, or how this will help.”

“Nothing physically painful.” She assured, but not really at the same time. “I will intrude on your memory, and the energy that Loki gives off will be enough for me to identify and latch onto. But be warned that this type of magic is chaotic and lawless. It will be difficult to distinguish reality from memory, so I cannot be certain that I will be able to keep this experience between you and I.”

“So there’s a chance everyone else could experience this?”

She laughed under her breath. “Everyone in this room yes. So make a decision.”

Odin clenched his teeth and turned to the others in the room. “I ask for only I and Thor to be present.”

“Apologies, Your Majesty,” Fury spoke up. “But we really do need to keep an eye in here.” His stance was firm. “It makes the big guys up in the high chairs nervous.”

“Tony then.” Thor quickly added. “I want him here.”

“I have other personel like Natasha or Steve-.”

Thor remained firm in his stance as well. “I only want Tony. He’s my closest friend and he can verify for you. Besides, he knows of this story. I can’t risk sharing this with anyone else. While I understand that this concerns you, this part of the search is personal and private to our family and few others only.”

They turned and glanced at him, even Skadi looked annoyed, but she didn’t argue.

Silently, they all stepped out and at Odin’s nod, the guards followed suit.

Pepper gave him a hug on her way out. “If you need me, I’m here.”

“Thanks Pep.”

She followed after Bruce and he seemed hesitant to leave his side so soon, but was evidently encourage by Pepper and the others that it would be fine.

Natasha was the last to leave, she put a soft hand on his shoulder and he squeezed her hand back in reassurance.

“We’ll be by the door.” Fury said and the door slid close.

“Let us know if you need anything.” Steve added.

When Tony turned around, Odin was staring at him with a less than pleased expression. He didn’t seem to be particularly annoyed with his presence, but he wasn’t exactly happy either. Maybe it was because Thor had told him about Narfi and Vali, or because he knew that Thor had told the others about what Rindr had done.

Oh- that was why he had been so upset earlier. It was that Tony knew that Odin had failed to protect his own son, but if Rindr had been hiding their actions and it took Thor to physically walk in to know, then he couldn’t really blame Odin for that when Frigga hadn’t known and practically no one else either. It wasn’t really his place to blame Odin either.

“Let’s begin.” Rindr said. “You see, I can’t locate exactly where the young prince might be by the strong energy his emotions let out alone. Pure unadulterated Seidr of his that is still thriving and alive I could, but not this.” She lamented. “My method is a bit more rough and a shot in the dark. Using something that has deep personal value to him, I might be able to locate where he has been last. But whether it be only weeks ago, or months.”

Thor sighed. “But any trace is more than we have now.”

“Indeed.” She held her hand up to the door and Tony nodded to the cameras.

The door opened and Thor walked in to remove the chains at her wrists. Once they were removed, there was a wave of soft energy buzzing from her. Not powerful like Odin’s and definitely not as overwhelming. She sucked in a breath as if it was fresh air and then she held her hands out, palms up.

With a hesitant movement that looked strange on Odin, he handed her the photo.

She spent a few seconds looking at the photo and then rolled her eyes as if a picture of her own kid wasn’t at all special. With another hand, she held it out to Thor. “Grab my hand.”

Thor glanced over at his father and then reached out to brush his hand over her palm. He shuddered in disgust, but his hand tightened around hers anyway. His determination was clear for all to see.

And then there was a sudden jolt, far different than the bifrost. It felt like his whole body had been violently shaken in all directions and like he was being split into a thousand pieces. Once his feet touched solid ground, he fell down to the floor and had trouble breathing. His chest felt like he was being pressed on all sides, making it utterly overwhelming.

He tugged on the things under his fingers, trying to find an anchor as heat pelted his back and threat rolled down the side of his face. Only then did he notice what was beneath him. Grass. Bloodstained grass. The smell of copper was difficult to ignore.

They weren’t at Shield headquarters anymore and he had seen Asgard enough times to recognize this place. It was just on the outskirts of the kingdom in an open meadow with few trees and luscious grasses and shrubs. There was no citrusy smell, no soft warmth from the sun, only sweltering heat and overwhelming smell of death.

To his side, Odin was gripping onto Gungnir tightly and using it to keep himself upright, but he looked too frail and too weak. He looked just about ready to collapse and his face was very pained. Thor was holding him upright, his own face was pale, mouth hung open and bottom lip quivering. But his eyes were so wide that it was hard to deny the absolute horror written over his expression.

But he wasn’t looking at Odin, Thor was looking infront of them.

There was a grieving wail, a desperate sound that activated his flight or fight response. His skin crawled with discomfort.

There was a young man and it didn’t take him long to recognize the dark hair and signature green leathers he adored. Loki. He wasn’t standing before them, chin held high in pride, no, he was on the ground yards away from them. He was the one who had screamed out in hysteria, rocking himself back and forth like one would do with a child.

But in his arms, there was a child. No- there were two. Or at least the remains of two. Loki’s face was splattered with red and his hands and clothes stained with their blood.

“Please! Somebody help me! Anybody!” He shouted. He faced downwards to the corpses in his arms and pressed a kiss to Vali’s face who’s expression was blank and only a dribble of blood came from his mouth that was a clear distinction from the gaping wound in his chest. The other was too mutilated to really make out, but it was definitely Narfi. “It’s going to be alright. I’m here.” He told the two limp forms in his arms as if they could hear him. “You’ll be alright. I’m here now.”

Narfi and Vali.

Tony covered his mouth to hide his own horrified expression.

Standing up and clutching whatever of his children he could, he took a few steps forward before he stumbled back down on his knees a few ways from Thor. But it wasn’t to the same man that had come here with them, no. The Thor this Loki was talking to was young and boyish. His hair too short and face still holding a faint trace of baby fat. He looked like he was in shock, disorientated and not at all there.

“Brother! I don’t know what to do. Please! You have to help me. They’re not breathing! Please, do something. I don’t know what to do.” He begged, voice cracking and throat hoarse. Green eyes so usually cold and distant were glossy with tears that ran down his face. The tear drops that fell were tinted red.

His young face twisted with fear and desperation that was painful to look at. The face of an impossibly young father that had lost everything. He couldn’t have been more than a teenager.

Thor- the other one so young- shook his head, cried heavily and covering his face with his hands. Hands stained with Vali’s blood. Mjölnir thrown a few feet away in a morbid reminder.

“Loki.” He was barely able to get the words out. “They’re not waking up.” Still, Thor pressed his hands on Vali’s chest helplessly trying to stop the blood, but the wounds were far too great.

“Wait! Wait! Not yet!” Loki begged, beginning to hopelessly rock himself as if comforting his children. “Please don’t go. Please. My beautiful babies. I love you so much. So so much. Please.” He sobbed. He pressed his lips to the younger boy’s grey face and tightened his grip on the older one.

Fuck, fuck, fuck fuck… Tony pulled himself from the floor and took careful steps back, his stomach still churning and throat burning. The image and sounds- the smells- all of it would forever be burned into his mind.

“Stark.” Odin reached out to stabilize him, but Tony flinched from the touch, staring at him in a panic.

Loki’s voice still echoed over the meadow.

“We haven’t seen the pretty flowers of Alfheim like you wanted to, Narfi. If you wake up, I’ll promise to take you both there right now and pick all the flowers you want for your mother. I promise.” He said. “Just move for me. Give a little nod. I’m begging you.”

The noise he made was heartbreaking. So desperate and panicked. “We haven’t gone to visit the woman who lives there yet. She really wants to meet you both. We can’t keep her waiting can we?”

Skadi.

Loki sniffed. He didn’t seem to notice when Thor had thrown his cape over his children, hiding them both from sight. The cloth staining an even darker red from where they lay.

“Loki…” He made not so much as a twitch at his mother’s voice. He continued to whisper broken promises to the two hidden under his brother’s cape.

Eventually, a woman sat down next to Loki. Familiar blonde hair, blue eyes- Frigga. She put her arms around him and weeped for the little ones as well. No one said anything as they mourned.

They remained there for mere moments, but it felt as though it was an eternity. The moment the realization settled in for Loki was apparent. His voice cut off and he grew deathly still. His eyes turned dull and dark, his tears fell no more and he breathed calmly. Around him, his brother cried for his part in ending his nephew’s life and his mother cried silently for her grandchildren.

A young woman came running out, face wild and crazy- violet eyes, heart shaped face, and Cupid bow on her upper lip- she looked far too young, but he knew that was Sigyn.

“Loki! What-?” She froze in her spot only meters away. Her eyes widened in shock at the sight and her eyes met Loki’s. Then she glanced downwards at the two hidden figures. Her expression darkened with horror and then the tears started rolling down her face in realization.

“Sigyn-!” Another woman, a maid perhaps, had held onto her shoulders as the woman- Sigyn- collapsed to her knees. “It cannot be- It cannot be-!” Her breathing was loud and quick and from her lips, a shriek ripped across the meadow.

It was the sound of a dying woman.

Bent over, on her hands and knees, she screamed and cried out the children’s names. She rocked herself back and forth as she gripped at her chest and the maid held onto her shoulders in an attempt to comfort her.

“Enough.” Odin spoke. With another violent jerk, they were back at Shield.

The memories flickered out and the woman’s hands fell to her side, breaking the connection with Thor. Thor sucked in a ragged breath and wiped at his eyes furiously. Without a word, Odin silently placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. Thor nodded and Odin dropped his hand, both too prideful to really accept or give that reassurance.

“I sense part of him in Hel.” She spoke.

“Jævla.” Odin said under his breath. He grabbed the picture from her hand and hid it in his breastplate.

Tony had to brace himself on the chair besides him. Tony cleared his throat, trying to hold himself together. “Where is that?” He winced at the sound of his hoarse throat.

“The land of the dead.” Thor answered with his nose a little stuffy. He sniffed and tried to compose himself. “It is where two of his children live. Fenrir and his only daughter, Hela.”

The door slid open and Tony shifted his wide eyed stare over to it. There was a sheen of sweat on Clint’s face as he leaned against the door, his eyes just as wide and frantic and heavy breaths coming out. It wasn’t just him either, the others were watching with expressions of shock and confusion and in the back, Pepper’s eyes avoided his.

“How much of that did you see?” Tony asked.

With a breathy voice like he had ran a marathon, Clint said, “All of it.”

____________

“So…” Clint drawled out. “Are we not gonna talk about the elephant in the room?”

Odin had returned to Asgard promptly, without giving them a proper goodbye right after and took Rindr with him. Meanwhile, Thor was composing himself in another room. He had Pepper and Natasha both with him.

It left Fury, Skadi, Steve, Clint, Rhodey, and of course Bruce in the conference room together.

“Talk about what?” Tony murmured, his head was pounding from trying to keep himself composed too.

“What we _saw_.” Rhodey stressed out. He bumped his leg against Tony’s and his eyes were questioning.

There was a little snippet that Rindr hadn’t added. Anyone remotely near them would witness it and so, everyone standing behind the door had been standing right behind Thor, Odin and himself in that blasted memory.

Skadi’s face was turned away, tears streaming silently down her face. She wiped them away harshly with a venomous glare.

“What’s there to talk about?”

“Tony.” Steve softly said. “We need to know what really happened. We need to understand what we saw. Will this affect the plan anyhow?”

“That’s all you fucking care about don’t you?” He snapped. “Right, because you guys don’t actually care about what Thor’s going through or Loki- or anyone else!”

“Easy, Tones.” Rhodey put a hand on his shoulder and he looked genuinely confused at his outburst.

Ah- because Rhodey didn’t know anything really about him and Loki, he hadn’t told him anything.

Fury turned on him with a frown. “You need to calm down.”

“No I will not calm down!”

“For Norn’s sake, settle down!” Skadi cursed, slamming a hand on the table that had Bruce flinching at the intensity of it. She apologized hesistantly at him and wiped at her eyes angrily. “Loki had children. And you saw what happened.”

“But I don’t know what’s going on.” Clint argued. “Just tell us something, stop keeping up in the dark.”

Skadi sighed. “Vali was Rindr’s son and when the Allfather found out, he took the baby from her. Thing was, they couldn’t adopt the baby into the family without a mother so they needed someone to pretend to be the mother.”

Tony turned to hear better. His eyes felt puffy too.

“To make sure Vali wasn’t labeled a bastard, there was an arranged marriage for Loki to get married with Sigyn, the princess of Aflheim. They were young, both very young, but it worked. She raised him. Vali was, by all means, Sigyn’s first born and then she gave birth to her second, Narfi.”

“And I assume Rindr didn’t like that and did something.” Rhodey added.

“Correct. Vali turned into a beast per his birth-mother’s actions and forced him to kill his own brother and Thor killed him without knowing it was his own nephew. Without knowing that Vali was…” Skadi took in a shaky breath. “Rindr didn’t love him. She didn’t love her kids or anyone, but herself.”

“Now what?” Steve whispered.

“We find a way into Hel.” Thor answered. He was hanging by the door, eyes red and nose pink. He was wringing his hands and there was tremble one his movements. “The bifrost has no access to Hel, for Hel is essentially the underworld in other words. The Allfather is too weak as well to use dark magic to get us there, though he won’t admit it.”

“How you feeling?” Tony asked, unable to keep the concern from his voice.

“Like shit.” He huffed out with a grim smile. “Lady Pepper departed. She said she didn’t want to intrude any more than she already has.”

“Ah.” Remind him to send her something as a thank you.

“How do you plan on getting there then?” Natasha asked. She too was hanging near the door. Her hand lightly on Thor’s arm.

“My brother knows many secret passages to every realm.”

Fury snorted. “But your brother isn’t here and it isn’t like there’s an underground tunnel connecting every planet, Thor. I’m not sure how this will help us.”

“Us?” Tony asked.

“Yes us.” Fury scowled. “We’re not letting this be a small mission with just you and Thor. You’ve already proven incapable of being Loki back the past two times you had gone.”

“Well it wasn’t exactly my fault now is it?” Tony argued.

“Stop this.” Thor grumbled. “What’s done is done. Loki was not there, but that is not really a fault of ours. And unfortunately yes, the path to Hel is safer in numbers. We won’t be targeted as easily if it we have more with us.”

Skadi huffed and stretched her legs. “We’ll find out who’s going later. For now, Realms. Not planets. And there _is_ a path to Hel. You see, every realm is connected by Yggdrasil. It is the organization that holds the nine realms together. If one is able to know how to traverse Yggdrasil, then they could pass between worlds.” She looked at Thor. “It’s how Loki and I were able to maintain connection even when we were worlds apart.”

Thor pressed his lips together and then gave her a shaky smile.

“Well even if we were to find one of these passages,” Bruce speculated. “How do we know which one is the way to Hel?”

“Lucky for us,” Thor grinned. “There is someone who knows the path.”

“And are you sure he’s there?” Tony asked and then at Thor’s certain nod, he asked another question. “How?”

“Because the descriptions of the two young adults that had picked them up is familiar, but I didn’t want to assume that it was them.”

“Well?” Clint encouraged. “Don’t leave us hanging.”

Thor sighed and rubbed that back of his neck.

“Hela, Loki’s only daughter and Fenrir, his fourth son.” He repeated whatever description they had been told. “Dark haired, maybe of Vanir or Aflheim, and fair skinned. They aren’t Vanir nor of Alfheim, but they _are_ a mix so it would make sense that Queen Helblindi of Jötunheim wasn’t able to pinpoint what people they were of.”

“Jesus.” Fury cursed. “How many kids did he have?”

“Six.” Bruce, Tony, and Thor all said.

They looked at one another, Thor with alarm and Tony in a panic.

“I searched you guys up after you guys appeared five years ago.” Bruce explained. “A lot of it sounded like it was fake so I didn’t believe it. Guess a lot of it is cemented in truth.” He rubbed his eyes.

“Me too.” Tony hastily added.

“Six kids?” Steve leaned forward in his chair. “Okay okay, tell us all of them.”

“Sleipnir is his oldest, nearly the same age as Loki.”

“How?”

“An accident when he was young, but Vali was not his first. Not by a long shot. He was eight in your years-.”

The sound of a chair screeching against the floor interrupted him and then Tony realized that it had been him. His hands were flat on the table and there was a bead of sweat rolling down his forehead. He was dizzy.

“Tony?” Rhodey reached out to steady him, but Tony moved away from his touch, but he didn’t do it on purpose. He didn’t exactly know what was going on, but the walls felt like they were closing in on him. It was too much, too much. It was just Loki, Loki, Loki- he had to see Loki.

“Tony-.” Thor turned to him.

And they were all staring at him, too many eyes on him at once and normally, he could handle it, he had grown up with it, but now it was too much. It was all too much.

Loki- oh Loki. He was eight- he was only eight!

Why was this only settling for him now? It hadn’t been the first time he heard this, but at the time, he had been so overwhelmed with Thor’s recounting of what had happened to Vali and Narfi that he didn’t have time to process. And now it’s just hit him exactly what Loki had gone through.

Fuck fuck fuck-.

His breathing was far too quick and he felt disoriented. Panicked. Trapped.

He needed to see Loki.

“Are you alright?” Rhodey stood up from his seat, but Tony just waved him up.

“I’m fine.” Tony made his way, as normally as he could, to the door. “I just ate something.”

He could hear their calls as he exited the room, but no one followed him. Still, he continued through the halls and very few people actually bothered him. Maybe it was his dark scowl or because they could see how utterly distraught he felt, but he was thankful for the rest.

He knew- he _knew_ Loki had been a young father, but how could they have let- how could all of _them_ have left Loki to go through so much as a child. He was a fucking child! He was missing for two days when he had Sleipnir- how could no one have seen him? Helped him?

It was absolutely unacceptable and he was absolutely disgusted.

When he was outside of the base, there was a car waiting for him outside and a familiar face running to his side.

“Happy?”

“Friday notified me. Now come on.” His face was worried.

“I’m sorry- I don’t know why-.”

“Shut up, Tony.” Happy responded, but there was no real heat behind it.

He guided him into the passenger seat and Tony didn’t argue. He knew he was too shaken up to drive, but he was determined not to give Happy a harder time and shrugged him off. He got in without his help.

Happy didn’t say anything and let him, he got into the driver’s seat and started it and soon they were driving through the city.

Happy just handed him a bottle of water and didn’t say anything as Tony focused on bringing his heartbeat back to a normal pace.

“I’m a mess.” He said eventually. “A piping hot mess.”

“Yeah you are.” Happy agreed. “But it’s fine. That’s just who you are.”

“You’re not gonna make me talk about it are you?”

“Nah. You have a therapist for that.” And it was Happy’s nonchalance and aversion to sentiment that made Tony really grateful for his friendship. He was honest and blunt and wouldn’t sugarcoat it or lie to Tony and tell him he was perfect or fine.

He spoke aloud in the car and knew that Friday would hear him. “Thanks, Fri.”

“No problem, Boss.”

Happy dropped him off and he assured him that everything was fine and hesitantly, he drove off.

The first thing he did when he got home, was lock himself in his lab. Surrounding him, every little detail on Loki was surrounding him. All the myth, all the lore, every single thing from history was up for him to read.

He didn’t even know how to feel. It was all so conflicting and so many truths. Loki’s children, Odin, Thor, Angrboda.

He didn’t know what was false and what was true.

He had Loki’s version, as secretive as it was, and then these stories that held a lot of bases of truth in them. They spoke of Loki being a Jötun, his children and Sigyn, but a lot of it was wrong too.

Sigyn was blonde and blue eyed, but from his knowledge, she was dark haired and not blue eyed. Angrboda was a giantess, but in reality he was male and human.

And then there were things that might be true, but he was afraid that it was. Loki’s mouth had been stitched up as a punishment and then the whole thing with Loki being tied up with the guts of his son and forced to sit under a snake that dropped poison onto his naked skin. Skadi was involved, but as far as he knew, she wouldn’t do that to him.

He sincerely hoped a lot of it was wrong, but there was only one way to know for sure. Asking Thor, or Skadi, or Loki himself.

But he couldn’t ask Thor or Skadi- they had no idea and would most likely be suspicious of why he had freaked out in the first place. So that left Loki. And he _really_ wanted to see him again. Had to make sure he was alright.

God, he was desperate.

________

“Where are you, Loki?”

Tony’s voice cut through the midst of the fog in Loki’s mind. With a huff, he answered the same way he had answered Tony’s previous questions.

“Doesn’t matter.”

Loki felt Tony walk closer, could feel the anger rolling off him in waves, and heard his footsteps on the floor. When he looked to his right, Tony was frowning at him and looking utterly upset. His face was pale, eyes dark and hazy and he seemed to be very imbalanced.

He looked drugged.

“Tony-.”

“Let’s skip this bullshit.” He shook his head. “I’m freaking out over here- please just give me a bone. I need to see you. I need to see you, to hug you, and know that you’re real.” Tony looked utterly desperate. “I keep finding out so many horrible things and it’s eating away at me, I sleep too much and I don’t sleep at all because of you.”

And he was worried about him. Tony was on his knees, hands out to him, but Loki steeled himself and moved away him. He couldn’t, he couldn’t he couldn’t he couldn’t-.

“Just tell me where you are. Tell me where you think you are. Tell me what you remember and give me something to find you with.” Tony begged. “We’re going to Hel, but I’m afraid you’re not gonna be there again. I can’t do it anymore if you’re not there.”

“I don’t know-.” Loki sighed and swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Why do you keep avoiding my question? Why won’t you just tell me what’s going on?!” Tony shouted at him.

“I’m alone- lost in space and hurdling to Norns know where.” Loki snarled. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

He closed his eyes and let out a really shaky breath. “You know that’s not what I mean.”

“Why does it matter?”

“Because I wouldn’t be here asking you if you had just talked to me!” He shouted and Loki jumped at the intensity of it. “I’m learning things about you that pains me to think about and I’m freaking out because I don’t know what’s real and what’s not! Just help me find you.”

Loki scoffed and laughed to himself. “I don’t have to tell you anything Tony. You can believe whatever you want to believe. Whether it pains you or not, I don’t care. It doesn’t matter anyways, because you _won’t_ find me.” And he said it with such conviction because he knew it was true. “I don’t know where I am. I could be in another system alltogether!”

“Or in the same one.” He argued. “I would’ve loved to try anyways.”

But it was just false hope. He couldn’t get his hopes up. He couldn’t. Tony wasn’t _real_. He wasn’t. If he tells him what he remembered, it would only bring pain and dissapointment. Again and again and again, he couldn’t do that to himself.

But Tony just felt so real. So genuine and he was afraid.

Tony was snarky, rude, but intelligent all the same. He didn’t think like Loki, he was compassionate, heroic, kind. Tony was like a breath of fresh air and Loki couldn’t let himself believe in that.

But Tony was so convincing without realizing it. He was blunt and honest like Skadi, never taking the easy route and saying something just cause it would spare his feelings. He was devoted too, like Sigyn. Devoted to his friends and devoted to helping even when it inconvenienced him. Of course he wasn’t like Skadi completely or Sigyn either.

And he absolutely adored that. He was his own person and that was what made Tony, _Tony_. The burning and warm feeling in his chest everytime he saw him was quickly becoming a burden.

And it was with a sudden realization, as he looked at Tony and his visible vulnerability that made him freeze.

His stomach dropped, his mouth went dry, and a cold sweat broke out over his skin. He cursed himself because damn him for doing this now, for realizing this now.

He’s been here before.

He was _infatuated_ with Tony.

And that was an absolutely foul thing indeed. A bitter cold resentment coiled in his heart, but not towards Tony, he couldn’t resent Tony, but towards himself.

He was utterly unprepared for this. It’ll pass, he hoped. This was just a fleeting thing that will disappear in time. After all, humans don’t live very long. He had found that out once before.

But here Tony was.

His lip curled up in almost a cynical way even as his heart ached at that cold truth.

It was with that horrid realization that he told Tony, “I’m in hell. Come find me.” His breathe fanning over Tony’s lips and watching the way his eyes darkened, but nodded in relief. For _him_.

And it wasn’t exactly a lie. This place, this ship, the endless void around him taunting him with it’s darkness truly was hell. Just not the one he knew Tony was referring to.

With a weak and shaky smile, there was solace in his posture. Comfort in whatever Loki had told him.

He grit his teeth with such force. it hurt. His eyes watered in frustration and he couldn’t stop himself from looking away to collect himself.

Why did it have to be now? Why did it have to be him? Someone he could never have, someone he could never wish for.

A storm was coming. He could feel it.


	21. A White Pearl

The fingers down his throat made him gag and then Tony was shoved over on his stomach and retching into a trash can. Cool hands ran over his head and forced him to look at the blurry person infront of him.

“Wha-?” He slurred. His head was pounding and his mouth was bitter.

Pale hair, pale hair, pale hair- she was screaming at him.

He turned and threw up even more into the trash can infront of his face.

“-were you thinking?! You could have died you know that?!”

“Stop screaming.” He murmured out. God his mouth tasted disgusting. Numbly, he tried to catch a glimpse of who it was.

Skadi. Dangerous scowl, narrowed eyes and teeth bared, she looked absolutely furious. “If Rhodey and I hadn’t been worried enough to follow you, I wouldn’t have found you!”

“Rhodey?” Shit, his heart leapt into his throat. “Is he here?”

“He’s downstairs.” She growled at him. “When I walked in here, Friday was panicking. She told me to come find you and what do I find?” She grabbed the bottle of pills by his side. “You took a handful of these- why would you take a handful of these?! A healer is what you need!”

“Indeed, Boss.” Friday said with a hint of panic in her voice. “I suggest going to a hospital for an overdose even if they weren’t in your system for too long.”

He shook his head ‘no’. He overdosed? Fuck. How out of it had he been? How many had he taken? He could’ve sworn it was just two.

“I’m talking to you!”

“And I’m listening!” He grabbed a discarded water bottle and rinsed his mouth thoroughly before spitting it out. “Just stop being so loud.” His stomach was hurting, but that was probably just from throwing up.

Skadi bit her lip and helped him to his feet. Her eyes were darting everywhere and her hands were trembling. “Why would you take so many?”

“I didn’t mean to. I just wasn’t thinking.” He admitted. He sat down on the bed with a pounding in his head. God he was so dizzy. “Does Rhodey know?”

“No.” She said softly. “He had an important telephone call and told me to come up first.” She grit her teeth and then looked at him directly. “What in Hel were you doing taking these?”

“I told you I didn’t mean to-.”

“No. I wanna know why you were taking these in the first place.”

He panicked and then said the first thing that came to mind. “Why did you know where Rindr was?”

Her face dropped and then he could see her guard come up. “We were talking about you.”

“I saw your face back then.” Tony pressed. “You have something on her and you seemed too personally invested in her.”

“Tony-.” She warned.

“You knew her.” He stressed out. “The way you talked about her, it wasn’t in the same way Thor or Odin talked about her.”

She growled low in her throat and glared at him threateningly. “Drop it!”

“What are you hiding?” He snapped. “Because Im sick and tired of all the goddamn secrets. I thought we wouldn’t do this with each other. I tried to be honest and be open with you and I thought the same went for you.” He waved between them. “This friendship that we have goes both ways.”

Skadi bit her lip and then groaned out loud. “You’re an asshole you know that?”

“So I’ve been told.”

She sat down on the bed with him. “You need a healer. I’ll tell you if you see a healer.”

And before he could say he was fine, Friday interrupted him. “If you say no, I’ll tell Rhodey and Pepper as well, boss.”

Then there was no point in arguing. He eyed the sensor in the room and it shuttered in acknowledgment. Cheeky wasn’t she? He sighed and rubbed his eyes. Well if he could get out of telling her why he was taking it in the first place then he was fine with going to see a doctor.

“Fine. After. Just tell me what’s going on with you then?” He asked, nudging her shoulder. “Spill.”

She sagged into him and he tried not to lose his balance- god the world was still spinning. “Remember that game I would play with my mother? Pretend we didn’t know each other?”

“Run it by me again? It’s been awhile.” He said honestly. His vision was blurry.

“I told you when we first met that my mother was from Alfheim. She abandoned me with my father and was so ashamed of me that she pretended I didn’t exist. Would’ve tarnished her reputation.” Skadi rolled her eyes and rubbed her forehead like she was getting a headache. “Just because we pretended we didn’t know each other, it didn’t mean I didn’t know exactly where she was.”

“So you knew where she lived?”

“Yes.” She looked at him pointedly. “I told you where she was.”

“Right.” He remembered, but was slow to catch on. “Banished back to Alfheim.”

“She was banished for raping the youngest prince of Asgard.”

Tony’s jaw dropped. He looked at her fully now and saw the shamed and disgusted expression on her face.

“Rindr birthed me.” She hissed outloud. She stood up and started pacing. “How could Loki had even looked at me? I looked just like her. I have her face and how could he have managed to even look at me without hatred or revulsion?” She shuddered. “Vali was my brother and I haven’t the slightest clue if Loki even knew that!”

“She’s not though.” Tony had to lay down on the bed to stabilize himself. Oh- his stomach was churning uncomfortably. “She’s not your mother.”

“She birthed me.”

“But that means nothing.” He argued. “Sure you have her blood she’s not your family. You can chose your family and what Rindr did wasn’t your fault. She did the same to Loki and to your father.” Honestly, his words might not even be helping the situation, but it was better than nothing. He just hoped it made her feel a little better.

“Regardless, doesn’t mean I have any love towards her. Only reason I didn’t kill her myself for what she did to Loki was because Loki asked all of us not to hurt her.”

“Wait… what?” That made no sense. Loki was someone who held grudges and Tony knew that very well. There was no way that Loki did not want her to burn for what she had done to him. “Why?”

Skadi shook her head in frustration. “He was young and naïve and still very much under her clutches back then. He hadn’t the slightest idea that what had happened to him wasn’t in any way normal and didn’t want Vali growing up knowing that Odin had sentenced his mother to death. That and she’s still alive only because many in Asgard don’t even see anything wrong with a woman coupling a young boy.”

“Because he’s a man?”

“Exactly.” She sneered. “Oh but trust me, the reason she cannot remain in one place at a time is due to a curse the Allmother has put upon her since she couldn’t exactly kill her either.”

“You gonna spill?”

“Oh most definitely.” Her grin was full of teeth. “She shall never find respite for if she remains in one place for too long, the darkest shades from hell will entrap her and force her to relive her worst memory for eternity. Her sleep will be plagued by night terrors and when she looks upon herself in the mirror, all her beauty shall fade to reveal the true rotten appearance of her soul.” She shrugged. “It wasn’t exactly what I had in mind, but at least she’ll never find peace again and I suppose that’s the least that family could have done for Loki.”

She shook her head.

“But enough of this. I have told you, now see a healer.”

“Fine, fine.” He said. “Just don’t tell, Rhodey.

“Don’t tell me what?” And then Rhodey was right there at the door frame peering in. “You left pretty quick from the meeting. Everything alright?” Then he caught site of Skadi. “Oh I didn’t mean to intrude-.”

“No! No!”

“Absolutely not!”

Rhodey’s teasing grin didn’t go away though. Instead, he rolled his eyes and leaned comfortably against the door. “Then what am I not supposed to know?” His eyes got more worried then. “You know you can tell me anything right?”

“Yeah yeah I know.” Tony sighed. Good old manipulation. Now he felt like the asshole. “I just need to go to a doctor.”

“Are you alright-?”

“Slow down. I’m fine-,” He stood up, but that proved to be a mistake when he lost his balance and the world teetered dangerously to the left. “Oh fuck.”

Skadi caught him and was holding him up and Rhodey was by his side in seconds. His face was even more concerned and wrapped a hand around his waist to hoist him up. “What’s wrong? Jesus you’re breathing weirdly.” He started leading him over to the door and Skadi was on his other side carrying the other half of his weight. “Why are you-?”

Rhodey kicked something and then Tony cursed under his breath. He watched as he looked down and then froze in realization. The stupid bottle of sleeping pills was visible for him to read. “We have to get you to a doctor-.”

“No, they’re gonna put me on watch-.”

“Because you overdosed!”

Skadi snarled at him as well. “You told me you’d see a healer!”

“Bruce then.” Tony gasped out. “Not anyone else.”

“Bruce isn’t really even a doctor.” Rhodey argued.

They still kept making their way out of his room and bumping against the wall and random objects.

“He helped out in Kolkata back in India. He’s practically a doctor.” He added. “It’s Bruce or I’m not going.”

For a few minutes, Rhodey just stared at him incredulously. He looked at Skadi and then back to him. “You know what? Fine. Fine.” He growled, looking not too happy. “Friday call Bruce.”

“Already done, Colonel.” She said. “He’s on his way.”

It didn’t take too long for Bruce to arrive and he was quickly ushered into the medical room on their level. Of course over a lot of fussing and angry tirades, Skadi and Rhodey were forced to leave the medical room as Bruce shakily looked over him.

Honestly, he probably should’ve just had someone else because Bruce still looked tired and uncertain in his own skin. His wrists and arms were covered in strange bandages and his face looked sickly.

Bruce checked his temperature, shone a light into his eyes, and muttered low under his breath. He was given a pill that left a really bad taste in his mouth and had his stomach feeling tight and tingly. For the most part, they were quiet. Occasionally, Bruce would shake his head and sigh to himself.

God he missed him. He was content with watching him move about like he was comfortable here. Like this was home to him. He watched Bruce rub his thumb over the fingers of his closed fist, his lips press together into a firm line, observed the occasional tapping of his pen on a notepad. They were all familiar mannerisms, but they weren’t nervous ticks, they were just him when he was lost in thought.

His face would twist into an expression of discomfort and then Bruce would twitch. His hand would move over to a bandaged part of him and then he’d hover over it like he wanted to scratch, but clenched his fingers like he was refraining from doing it.

He must’ve caught his wandering eyes because Bruce spoke for the first time during the whole examination. “A side affect I think.” He cleared his throat after his voice came out a bit hoarse with unuse. “I spent so long as him, my body’s slowly coming back down to its normal state.”

“The bandages?”

Bruce shrugged and looked at it. “After the green left, my skin turned red and patchy and it started to peel. He looked at his fingers. They looked sensitive to the touch and red.

Tony shifted and he felt his face form into a grimace. “I’m sorry for making you come here.”

Bruce hummed and leaned against the counter. “Don’t apologize. You needed help and besides…” He glanced out towards the door. “I had nowhere else to go.”

“You’ve been on the run before.” He pointed out. “You always find a way.”

“Yeah, but…” He shrugged. “It felt like I didn’t have to this time. I thought I could come back… here.”

“You can!” He blurted out and tried to stand, but quickly teetered to the side as the world spun around him a bit.

Bruce gripped his arm and forced him back onto the table. “Easy. You’re still gonna feel the effects of the overdose for awhile after.” He sighed. “You’re lucky it wasn’t too serious. No forget that, any type of overdose is serious.” He growled, but he took a pause as though collecting himself.

It was hard to see Bruce having to calm himself because of Tony. It made him regret having called Bruce in the first place. “I’m being honest when I say I didn’t mean to.”

“Are you okay though? I mean…” Bruce trailed off and his eyes were a little glazed over. “I get it. I’ve been there before and I’ve tried it a couple times, but I need you to be honest with me. There’s no one who’s gonna understand that feeling more than me.” He whispered.

Fuck. Tony rubbed his eyes and tried not to tear up over the words he was saying. He wanted the chance to connect with his friend again, but this wasn’t what he had in mind.

“I’m answering honestly here, Brucey.” His voice sounded a little wet if he was being honest. “I have no intention of off-ing myself so soon.”

Not before he saw Loki.

It seemed like the answer Bruce wanted to hear because he visibly relaxed. “Okay then.” He turned back to his notes. “Your eyes are still pretty dilated, you’re still clearly imbalanced, but not badly so, and your breathing sounds fine. You have a bit of a temperature, but nothing too bad.”

He looked back up at him. It was in an analytical manner.

“Any chest pain, nausea, confusion?”

“All good, doc.”

Bruce nodded in response. “Good. I gave you a pill that should help with detoxing your system, but I still think you should be looked at by someone who has more experience with me in this. Skadi might’ve helped you in time, but I just wanna be safe rather than sorry.”

“If you say I’m fine and I feel fine then why worry more?”

“Right.”

He seemed irked, but Tony didn’t apologize. He had full faith in him and he was feeling better already.

“How you holding up?” He asked cautiously. “This must be very overwhelming to you.”

“I’m fine.” He answered quickly. “Everything’s changed, but a lot of it’s stayed the same.”

“You didn’t freak out when you learned about… everything.” He stressed it out slowly trying to see if Bruce already knew or not without having to say it aloud.

“Ah…” Bruce shook his head. “The accords?” He made an annoyed grunt. “I’m not gonna lie, it was a surprise, but it’s been a couple of crazy days. I’m just glad to be back.”

“I’m glad you are too.” Tony grinned.

_________

When Thor came back, he seemed more than a little concerned. After all, Tony had left the meeting rather quickly and he was sure he looked pretty panicked. Of course Thor was worried.

He apologized many times about behind unable to help him home, but that he was forced to stay and finish up what they were doing. Even after Tony had told him it was fine, he still looked awfully guilty.

Which was why he hadn’t been planning on telling Thor that he had accidentally took too many sleeping pills. But of course, it seemed like luck wasn’t on his side and Rhodey told Thor immediately.

It was such a painful betrayal and he made sure to let Rhodey know.

Of course though, as if that wasn’t enough, Thor put two and two together and asked if it was the pills that he had seen him take on occasion and definitely more than the one that was recommended.

Now they were all sitting around on the sofa and all watching him keenly as he ate. Granted, he was happy with their concern, but he didn’t want it. It made him feel embarrassed. Especially when he stopped eating to take a sip of water and Skadi was there pushing him to eat more and Rhodey was offering him the water as if he couldn’t pick it up himself.

Thor, while concerned, thankfully didn’t do any of that and stared off with a dazed expression. He looked really lost in thought and he wondered if it was because of the conversation he had with Pepper that he still didn’t know what it was about or because of Tony’s condition. It was probably a mix of the both and he knew Thor would probably beat himself up over the fact that Thor had been, somewhat, aware of him taking the medication.

Bruce seemed the most normal all things considered. He was eating well and was sitting at the sofa with them after finishing his meal and tending to his arms. Rebandaging and applying more cream, he seemed satisfied sitting in the silence.

When Rhodey and Skadi both kept nagging at him, he snapped at them. “Alright! I’m done eating!” He shouted and stood up from his spot.

They both eyed him warily and he stopped them before they could get up to steady him. “I’m fine! Look,” he motioned to himself. “I’m not gonna drop dead, I don’t need your help. I’m one-hundred percent fine.” He sighed and rubbed his face. “I get it, you’re worried, but you guys don’t have to hover over me. I promise I’ll be more careful.”

Thor clicked his tongue and turned away with a frown. He seemed more irritable and he wasn’t sure why.

“You really scared us bad, Tony.” Rhodey said with a frown.

Skadi sighed and slumped into herself. “You almost died.” She mumbled.

Well great, now he felt like a bad guy. Still, it didn’t mean they could treat him like he couldn’t take care of himself anymore. He was a grown man.

“I know, I know, and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” Tony rubbed his eyes and looked over at Thor.

He was just watching silently and analyzing and it made Tony a bit uncomfortable. Something happened, he was sure of it.

“How’d the rest of the meeting go anyways?” It was an open question, but he was directing it to Thor mainly. Silent contemplation didn’t suit him very well.

Bruce was the one to answer though and Thor bit onto his thumb with a small grimace.

“Skadi actually had more information to share and then we talked about the person who knows the path to Hel.”

“Ah,” Tony frowned. “I remember you mentioning that in the note.” He told Skadi.

“Yes. It wasn’t much, but there is one thing that I need to add.” She spoke. “People have been going missing. Thoughout the nine realms, it started small. People of no importance and then people with more power.”

She glanced over at Thor. “Like I said, before Rhodey and I left the meeting, I’m sure it’s the Chitauri scouts. They found me and took me back then, it can’t be a mere coincidence.”

“What would they want with people?” Tony asked. “What did they want with you?”

“Knowledge.” She said. “About our strengths, defenses, but when I knew nothing of Asgard and I was clearly not anyone of power, they discarded me to the side. But people like Loki- oh they were certainly very attentive to them.”

“So who then?” Tony asked once more. “You’re saying people of power, but can we have examples?”

“Princess Eos of Alfheim.” She sighed.

“Which actually brings us to the next topic. The person who knows of the path to Hel is Eos’s sister and also Loki’s ex-wife.” Thor informed them. “Sigyn. But I don’t know where Sigyn is, but Heimdall is on watch. Bad news is that Loki had hidden her signature in the bracelet he had gifted her.”

“Then we still don’t know where Loki’s baby momma is.” Tony pointed out. “Why don’t you know where she is? If they’re married and whatnot.”

Thor bit his lip. “After the death of their children, they pulled apart. My mother and I knew that she had wished to elope with another lover and Loki had agreed to help her.” He admitted. “I didn’t expect her to be unfaithful, but she is an Iwaldidottir-“

Tony froze in recognition.

“- and they’ve always been so unbridled and promiscuous.” He shrugged.

Still, that name rang so many alarms. It couldn’t be though. It could just be a coincidence, but still! How many people had that same last name? It had to be rare. It of course it would be just his luck.

“Oh shut up, Thor.” Skadi cursed. “You’re one to talk.”

“Apologies.” Thor was quick to correct himself. “I did not mean to sound so subjective. I do not think less of her really, she was like a sister at times. She should feel free to do whatever she wants, I’m not one to judge. I support her choices.” He added hastily, embarrassed at how it had come out the first time.

“But she did cheat on Loki.” Rhodey added. “If we’re technically speaking.”

“So did Loki on her.” She retorted. “He had three kids with another person.”

Rhodey winced. “I didn’t know that.”

Bruce murmured. “Ah, Hela, Jörmungandr, and Fenrir right? I’m going off what I remember reading from Norse mythology and I remember the story about a giantess giving birth to three monsters that Loki had fathered. And it was Angrboda was it?”

Both Thor and Skadi flinched at the name, but Tony was still too caught up in the name Iwaldidottir.

“Thor… that woman. What was her full name?”

Thor sighed. “Loki’s past wife? Ah her name is Selene Sigyn Iwaldidottir.”

Tony sucked in a breath. “Dark brown hair, Cupid’s bow, big violet eyes?”

That made everyone turn to him with surprised expressions. Everyone except Thor’s. His face turned even harder and skeptical than it had been before.

“What if I told you I know exactly where she is?”

“How?”

“She’s my therapist.”

Rhodey laughed at loud. “Only you, Tony.”

Bruce equally looked exasperated. “Just our luck too.” He stood up from his seat and rubbed his eyes. “It’s been a long day, I’m gonna go get some sleep.”

“You look a little shaky.” Rhodey pointed out. “Let me help you to your room.” He turned to the others. “This feels like something personal. I’ll be with Bruce if you guys need me. Same level?”

“Same level.” Tony assured him.

“Therapist?”

“I’ll explain what that is to you later.” Rhodey told Skadi. “You staying?”

Skadi nodded.

Which begged the question, what exactly was her relationship with Sigyn? Did they know each other, were they friends, or was she just here to find Sigyn in order to find Loki? If he remembered correctly, Sigyn had been the princess of Aflheim. Was Skadi partial to her? Loyal? He wasn’t sure and he wasn’t about to ask her either.

Especially when Tony was still eyeing Thor’s expression carefully. He wasn’t sure what to think about Thor’s silence either.

“Let me give her a call.” He offered. “But I don’t want to scare her off so I’ll talk to her and maybe we can arrange for her to come here. Does that sound good?”

Thor gave a short curt nod.

Skadi turned to Thor. “Are you sure she’ll want to help?” She asked skeptically. “I know you said Loki helped her, but what if it wasn’t as friendly as you made it sound? What if instead of helping him, she turns the other way?”

“She’ll help.” He ascerned. “I just hadn’t expected her to be here on Midgard if all places…”

With Friday dialing the number, the others stewed in silence. Eventually it clicked and there was a soft voice on the other end.

“Hello? Tony?”

Thor sucked in a harsh breath.

“Selene.” He began slowly. “I think we need to have a conversation.”

Thor gripped at the arm of the sofa.

“As soon as possible.”

____________

It wasn’t that same day and not even the next one that Tony was able to make an appointment to see Selene.

It was nerve wracking and Tony could feel the tension. He was just happy that he could see Loki in the night, but the days were getting harder and harder to go through without taking the occasional nap or interacting with him.

He had quickly become a fixture in his life and he could tell it was starting to become an obsession. Wasn’t exactly his fault though. That time spent away from Loki had really changed things and he couldn’t really pinpoint what.

He just knew things were different. The occasional smiles, stolen glances, nervous lingering. And then there were those moments that they were far too close in each other’s personal space, but just too scared to break that unspoken boundary between them. Barely there brushes that could be written off, breath hitting each other’s faces, and Tony could even swear he could feel Loki’s hair brushing against his face periodically.

It felt real. But it wasn’t. As much as he wanted it to be.

He wasn’t even sure who began those moments, but he knew it wasn’t just him. It had been Tony more in the beginning, just testing the waters, just pushing to see how far he could take it and then suddenly it was Loki too.

He would look up and find Loki watching him and then looking away as though he hadn’t been doing it in the first place. Then he would listen intently to whatever rambling train Tony found himself in and then there was that damn fond smile on his lips. Something small, not wide or mischievous like ones he’s seen, but precious and satisfied ones like he was content just basking in the warmth of the- fake- sun with him.

And Tony was absolutely enthralled. He was caught up in the wonders of his charm. His wit, his intelligence, his dark humor, all of it.

Loki certainly wasn’t making it easier for him either. They could spend hours talking or just sit in silence and enjoy each other’s company.

This time, Loki had made the sunset turn into night and the sky above them was just littered with stars. Blinking and twinkling, they were bright and there were a couple moons casting a beautiful gleam over them.

“Beautiful.” He murmured, knowing full well how cheesy it was in that moment to be looking at Loki.

Loki turned to look at him and it wasn’t long before he snorted in amusement and rolled his eyes good-naturedly.

“Are you flirting with me, Tony?” His voice was almost a purr and it sent shivers down his spine.

He was close enough that Tony could just reach out and didn’t even have to stretch his arm to do it.

“Depends.” He grinned and he knew it must look dopey. He shifted his face more comfortable on his arms and didn’t expect the grassy floor to be as pleasant as it was. “Is it working?”

Loki was laying on his side, arm curled underneath his head and arm thrown over his waist. There were crinkles on the sides of his squinted eyes and few strands of hair falling into his face. His lips twitched as though he didn’t want to smile.

God he loved it.

“I do hope you know that’s as old as time itself.”

“ _You_ would know.”

Loki hummed.

Tony had never really been a romantic person. He had rolled his eyes at the stupid lovey-dovey words that spewed from people too young to know what love was and from those that hadn’t seen what the world was really like. It had grated on his nerves, but now, he was finding himself writing poems in his head about everything.

The way the grass swayed, the soft moonlight through the tree leaves, and the beautiful way Loki’s fingers would occasionally twitch or move with a small hum. His humming was endearing to listen to. Some weird tune, but still soft to hear.

“Don’t you ever wish…” Loki’s voice came out a little raspy.

Tony licked his lips and tiled his head so that he could see Loki’s relaxed face more clearly.

His lips curled up and the sharp glint in his eyes was just as captivating. “Tell me. Do you wish you would fall in love?”

Tony hummed. He didn’t have to think to hard about it. “Oh all the time.” He admitted and it was with no surprise that it was the truth. “Do you?”

Loki cleared his throat. “I think I might…” He cut himself off. His eyes held a certain intensity that left his mouth feeling dry. His heart quickened. “I’ve done it before… I don’t know if I want to anymore.” He admitted in a whisper. “But I don’t usually get what I want.”

Tony nodded and then released his breath. The air felt somber between them, but tentative all the same. It was a quietness that he didn’t want to break.

With his eyes slowly becoming heavier and heavier, it was hard to keep them open. He was falling asleep, but he didn’t want to. It meant he would awaken soon. He would be forced out from the safety of this place and from the comfort of Loki’s presence. It was so ironic.

“Don’t fall asleep.” Loki begged. “Not yet. Stay with me longer.”

“I’m not trying to.” Tony murmured.

His face scrunched up in slight desperation. “You have no idea how dreary and boring it is here.”

“You’re here all the time?”

“Yes.” But there was a hesitation in his voice. “I am…” He trailed off as though unsure of it. His eyes had gone a little hazy and he looked genuinely confused. “I’m here… all the time… right?” He asked himself. He seemed confused. Tony felt his eyes slip shut even as Loki peered closer in his face. “Don’t leave yet. Don’t you dare.” He frowned.

But Tony didn’t know how to answer that and soon felt himself be lulled into sleep. When he awoke, it was to the same building tension in the tower.

Thor was just as quiet as he had been a few days ago and it was starting to not just grate on his nerves, but on Skadi’s too. They bickered and jabbed at each other more often than not and they’d both storm off to their own rooms. It wasn’t just harmless bickering either, they were both sharp and quick witted and the worst part was that they both knew very personal things about one another and brought up things that he was sure was not meant to be brought up.

For Skadi, it meant bringing up so many things that Thor did as a child and even to more recent events. Anything from pranks and harmful jests to physically being violent with one another or his inability to protect Loki and support him when he needed it.

But to be fair, it was all reciprocated. It wasn’t like Loki was the most submissive and innocent brother either.

And Thor, while not as harmful with his retorts or willing to bring up certain things like Skadi’s parents- which Tony was sure he knew about- was just as sharp. He jabbed at her uncompassionate nature, her paranoia, and her quick to anger personality.

For some reason, this fight was particularly nasty.

“If you hadn’t been so self-centered, maybe Loki wouldn’t have gone through what he had- no- maybe your mother would have still be alive!” She had snarled.

And oh that was terrible, but she didn’t look like she was going to apologize any time soon.

“You’re only taking your anger and frustration out on me because you know you can’t manage to keep anyone close to you.” Thor’s anger was smooth and dangerous in comparison to her bubbling and fiery fury. “Just like your mother, you don’t want to admit that Loki has left you as well.”

She genuinely looked like she had been slapped across the face and her mouth opened and closed. She had no words. Eventually, there was a low growl under her breath and then she turned away from him. The slam of her room- Tony’s guest room really- had been loud.

The tension in the room had been palpable and it had been the same atmosphere when Tony had left to meet up with Selene.

They had both agreed to meet up for lunch rather than as a therapist meeting. It had taken some convincing, but she inevitably agreed to meet up outside of a professional situation.

She was wearing really nice clothing, definitely expensive and she seemed like she knew how to dress and wouldn’t settle for anything less. She still had that royal air to her. He wondered how he hadn’t really put two and two together earlier.

He saw her once in a memory of Loki’s. She was young yes, but he should’ve recognized her. Then there on her manicured hand, her wrist on the table bare for him to see held the most damning peace of evidence that she was for sure, Sigyn.

A bracelet.

Same pattern, same design, and a white pearl embedded into it.

“Hello.” She said carefully, her eyes bright and yet guarded.

“Sigyn.” He greeted.

He waited for a show of surprise, a look of shock, but she was calm and the only difference was the apprehension in her eyes. “Ah.” She merely said. “I was wondering when you’d figure it out.”

He sat down across from her at her insistence.

“So…” He drawled on. “Your name is Sigyn.”

“Well you see,” Sigyn began with a wry smile. “Yes, my full name is Sigyn Selene Iwaldidottir. In your mythology, I am only mentioned once in Northern Europe, the Norse, and quite a few times in another region altogether.”

“Really?” Tony frowned curiously. “In what other one?”

“Greece.” She said. “I am Selene, goddess of the moon before Artemis or at least that’s how their mythology goes.”

Tony opened his mouth, but he wasn’t quite sure what to say. He felt completely blown out of his mind and didn’t ever think that there was a possibility that other mythological gods could exist as well. He had an inkling- what with Eos being the goddess of dawn, but this only cemented.

“So-,” He swallowed to clear his high voice. “Does that mean those big guys like Zeus and the rest exist?”

Sigyn huffed out a laugh. “We don’t talk about them.” She waved a hand carelessly. “A majority of them do, quite a bit of it is exaggerated or fabricated as stories tend to become after time, but yes. They’re my extended family, but I admit, Greek mythology is rather extreme and I wouldn’t trust a lot of it.” This time, her laugh came out loud and unrestrained. “To be fair, it was my half-brothers who created a fair amount of the stories and went down to Earth to spread a lot of those stories like young children do, but regardless, that’s all they are. Stories.”

“Ah, I see.” He murmured. “So how long do you guys live? How do you guys live? Greek Gods and Norse Gods?”

“My family isn’t really Gods. We live a little longer than the Aesir, but Aesir are durable and hard to kill.” She admitted though she looked sour upon doing so. “And my family lives on another plane of existence because the Fates know how chaotic it would be for both of us to coincide.”

“Plane as in-?”

“As in not in this dimension. My grandfather Njörd, my sister and I are of the few who remained here, along with my mother and father, Queen Freyja and King Freyr of Alfheim.”

“And your parents are known as…” Tony trails off.

“They are _only_ known as Freyja and Freyr in Norse mythology.” She repeated with a teasing smile. He sagged in dissapointment. “Technically in Greek mythology, my parents are the first two gods, but that is only because the Greek were unsure of where to place me or my brother and sister in the family tree. So they decided to make us the product of incest between a mother and her son.”

He remembered something Loki had mentioned about them and tentatively asked. “But isn’t the rulers of Alfheim-.”

“Brother and sister? Yes.” She said. “Though it is not a fact I like to admit.” She shivered with supressed disgust.

Tony winced and cleared his throat awkwardly. Okay, not thinking about that at all anymore. That was just heading to dangerous grounds that he didn’t really want to think about.

“But,” Sigyn smiled to herself in thought. “I must admit, many Gods in all of earth’s mythology could be traced to any of us who lie outside your world and only come looking for entertainment or mischief, or in many cases, come to aid your people during times of need. Though I will admit that they all had their favorites which is why only certain beings pertain to certain areas.”

Tony leaned back into his seat. There was a mess of information and realization swirling about in his head. “Shit.” He breathed out in amazement.”

“Indeed.” Sigyn laughed.

“So your siblings, are they known in Greek mythology as well?”

“Yes. Eos and Hēlios.”

He paused. “Do you know about your sister?” He asked softly.

Her eyes went sad. “Eos. I know she’s missing, but I’m not privy to the details. I know you’ll share them with me later, but this isn’t what you wanted to talk to me about was it?”

“No.” Tony admitted. “So you were married to Loki.”

Her eyes grew wistful and her smile went softer. “Yes.”

“And you had Narfi.”

“Vali and Sleipnir as well.” She corrected. “They were all my sons regardless of blood though many didn’t see it so because I didn’t publicly claim Sleipnir.”

He hadn’t known that and Loki hadn’t mentioned it either, but he could see the adoration in her eyes when they were mentioned. He had a feeling that was similar to what Frigga would have said, but the thought was quick and he flinched at the abruptness. He only wished that Loki would have been able to hear that from his mother. That blood didn’t matter. Or maybe he did hear it, but if so, he clearly didn’t think so.

But this was Sigyn. She wasn’t Frigga. But had Sigyn been devoted? Clearly not if he was going off what he had heard from Loki and Thor, but he knew Loki held her in the highest regards. Perhaps he even had lingering feelings for her. But did she still have feelings for him?

He swallowed nervously as he steeled himself to ask the following question. “Do you love him?”

Sigyn paused as she was pouring sugar in her tea. She eyes him, observing like this was a session and he frowned in response. Her lips pressed together and she quietly stirred her cup with a spoon without clinking the edge of the cup once.

“I do.” Then she added as soon as she saw his sharp inhale, “But not in a romantic sense.” She laughed then. “Granted, in the beginning of our marriage, I had believed that what we had was the Eros form of love since I didn’t know better, but I realize that our love was actually a form of Philia, perhaps even Storge?” She mused.

At his confusion, she elaborated. “Pardon. I mean platonic. We had children because it was expected of us. Lust is fleeting, it burns out quickly,” She tapped the spoon against her cup and set it nicely to the side. “But we had a platonic sort of love that had been strengthened with years of knowing each other and respect towards one another. I mean,” She laughed. “We had to love each other. Could you imagine hating one another for so many centuries?”

Tony didn’t really know what to think and was grateful when the waiter came. He asked for a coffee mindlessly and then sat back to think about her words. Yeah, Loki had mentioned that platonic love oh so long ago. But what about Loki?

She nimbly wrapped a hand around her cup. Elegant as ever, she brought it to her lips and drank at her tea softly.

She was beautiful. How could Loki not have loved her? Or maybe how could he have stopped loving her? There was no way. Young and sweet, caring and intelligent, and he could see how devoted she was to everything she did. She would have been perfect for Loki. But if he said it was platonic, then surely it had to have been platonic.

“But didn’t you both have other-?”

She wagged a finger infront of his face. “Don’t finish that.” She sighed to herself. “I know what you must be thinking and truth be told, Loki was the one who cheated on me first.” She huffed in annoyance. “I’m still allowed to be hurt by the way. I had been so devoted to him, mindlessly trying to please him, but when he admitted to me that he had been having a lover- on Earth of all places- I was angry.”

“He actually didn’t tell me much about Angrboda.”

“But you know his name so he _did_ tell you something rather than nothing, huh?” She said slyly.

“He talked about you too.” He added.

She waved him off. “Of course he did.”

The coffee came and they took a moment to pause their conversation. Gingerly, he prepared it and as he drank it slowly, burning his tongue in the process, Sigyn continued.

“I admit, Loki hadn’t intended to fall in love.” She sighed. “But it happened.”

Her expression turned bitter then. “He had gone to Midgard with Thor and Thor’s friends and they were there spreading stories and tales- many of which were made into Norse mythology as you know it and the village was where he met Angrboda.”

“Vinland.” Tony added and she nodded.

“Their story is not one I would share, but I can tell you my own.”

Honestly, this hadn’t been what he had in mind, but it looked like she needed someone to talk to and he would gladly listen. Reverse therapy he briefly thought with a smile.

“I know it’s kind of a stupid question, but how’d you find out?”

“He told me.” She stated as a matter of fact. “But I should’ve known. He had been distant and cold and when he told me, it clicked.” Sigyn looked down at her bracelet with anger. “He had always felt so out of my reach- so unobtainable- and I had given my heart to him like a fool.”

“Still hurts huh?” He asked softly.

She laughed. “Oh you have no idea- Or perhaps you do. But I didn’t realize how much it would tear at me. I realized my deepest fears then and he smiled at me right through all of it. And so I thought I would give him a taste of his own medicine, but it didn’t work out.”

“You mean cheat on him too?” He asked. “Did you regret it?”

“No.” She shook her head. “I fell in love with her and here I am.” She said with a smile. She showed off her pretty diamond ring with a dopey smile. “Married to the prettiest lady I’ve ever seen and knowing just how much I’m worth.”

Tony smiled then for her and felt a sense of relief wash over him. “So you eloped?”

“Yes.” Her expression turned just a tad somber. “When our children had died, the fire of anger that consumed us both had replaced all the love we had. Eventually it was burning me alive, and I told him that staying with him was neither helping nor fixing the damage.” She played with the napkin. “Though I admit that since my departure, I am unable to use the bifrost due to my fall from grace so my wife and I came here and here we have remained for centuries.”

“I’m so sorry for your loss.”

“Don’t be. I only remember their happy moments, not of their death.” She addmitted. “I just hope Thor knows that I don’t hate him.”

He jumped at the opportunity. “You can tell him yourself.”

“Ah…” She looked hesitant. “He doesn’t have the greatest image of me since he caught me rolling in the sheets with the castle maid- my wife now.”

Tony huffed out a laugh. “Maybe not, but we need you now. We need to know the passage to Hel.”

Her eyes shot wide open. “For whatever the reason?”

“We think Loki’s there and we had eye-witnesses describe Loki’s daughter and son.”

Her eyes narrowed. “Ah, Angrboda’s kids.” She shook her head. “I do hope they find themselves well, though it’s been centuries since I saw them last.” She mused with a far off look. “Very well. For Loki.” Sigyn grabbed her wallet and after a few moments of arguing, she agreed to let him pay. “How soon can I see Thor?”

“How about now?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just watched the movie Silence on Netflix and I don’t know if it was because it was 4 am and I was tired, but I found it hilarious. Oh yeah and this is the last chapter before things start to pick up again so I hope ya’ll enjoy!


	22. The Stallion

The meeting went well. A little strained, but well. Sigyn and Skadi greeted each other with respectful nods, seemingly familiar with each other, but not overly so. Aquintances more like.

With polite exchanges with Rhodey and Bruce, they all watched in wonder as to how Thor and her would react to one another. For a brief second, Sigyn and Thor stood looking over one another. With a clenched jaw and from look in his eyes, Thor reached out to her and pressed a kiss to the back of her hand.

“Oh come now, Thor.” Sigyn whispered softly. “You know me better than that. You are the beloved uncle to my children, no distance can change that.” She moved forward to wrap her arms around him in a delicate hug that Thor wasted no time in reciprocating.

“And you are forever the mother to my nephews. Both of them.” He whispered against her hair. “My goodness, I am glad to see you.” He said once they separated.

“And I you.”

“Now.” She turned to them. “My sister.”

Skadi was the one to break the news to her about the Chitauri and their involvement. While clearly distraught, she didn’t let that impede what she had come to do. It took only a little bit of tissues and a comb to make herself presentable again. “I must always be presentable.” She had said. He guessed old habits died hard.

She mentioned that the entrance wasn’t on Midgard or even Asgard, but that the entrance was located in Vanaheim. Coincidentally, very close to where Sleipnir lived and that the reason Sleipnir was so close to the entrance, was so that he could pass through whenever he desired to see Hela or Fenrir whenever he got too lonely. Sigyn had mentioned Sleipnir with such a heartbroken expression that Tony felt for her.

He really did.

She must not have seen Sleipnir once since she had left and she may not see him for a long time to come.

In the midst of her explanation of how to properly find it, her phone began to ring and she hastily looked at it. “Ah, I must leave.” She pressed a quick kiss to Thor’s cheek and then shook Tony’s hand. “I have important matters to attend to, but same time next week?”

“Same time.” Tony assured her.

“And remember what we talked about last session,” She told him. “It has been a pleasure.” She told the others and Bruce held out his hand.

“Let me walk you out.”

“Actually,” Rhodey looked down to his own phone with a frown. “I’m going out with you as well.”

“Something came up?” Tony asked.

Rhodey looked up with a certain look in his face. “Yes just uh-… some new intels come up about that mission.”

Ah the one with the mysterious deaths in Norway. “You’ll fill me in later right?”

“I don’t know, man. I really need Bruce for this. It’s bad enough that you know the details.”

“ _What_ about me?” Bruce asked.

“How well can you locate a nuclear electromagnetic pulse?”

Bruce frowned. “Do you have any numbers I can run?”

“Plenty.”

“Then better than Tony.” Bruce said with a teasing grin.

“Hey!” Tony complained.

As soon as they left, they set to work making a plan. Rhodey was most likely out of the picture of that mission was going to be taking all their attention and frankly, he’s surprised it’s even gone on for as long as it has already. But that also means that Bruce is as well. But if anyone could do it and quick, it was Bruce.

Skadi also said not to count her in for reasons she refused to state. When probed, she snapped at him. “Perhaps it is because the last thing I need is more danger? I had my fill when I was tortured and I do not need to see more mangled corpses or blood.”

Fair point and he felt sorry for asking. She just wasn’t in a good mental state just yet to be doing things that could potentially stress her. And a trip to Hel, yes that was a big stressor.

But that just left Thor and himself and Fury has specifically requested that they don’t do this on their own. Besides, Sigyn herself had said that it was better in numbers. But frankly, with his suit and Thor in general, it shouldn’t be too hard.

It was all the muscle they needed.

Still, it felt like they could use one more person at least.

Rogers and Natasha? While both were on better terms with him, with the latter a bit more so than the former, he wasn’t too sure if he was ready to allow them to partake in such a big mission. To rescue Loki.

And okay- there goes his hope and restlessness spiking again. God he really was obsessed with this wasn’t he? Even the thought about seeing Loki made his smile grow and a warm feeling gather in his chest. He wouldn’t say it was butterflies in his stomach, but yeah it was probably butterflies in his stomach.

“How about your friends?” He asked Thor. “Lady Sif and Fandral and Hogun and Volstagg?”

Skadi sneered, but Thor didn’t acknowledge it.

“Ah.” Thor frowned. “While this is a worthy incursion, they have their hands full with a task the Allfather has assigned them.”

“Is that why they weren’t on Asgard when we were there?”

“Aye.” He nodded. “They’re tasked with finding whatever knowledge of the infinity stones and are traveling out far in search of any information.”

“And if they find anything? What about the stones themselves?”

“They are to return immediately.”

Then if Thor’s friends were out of the picture, then that left Clint. And in hindsight, he had been waiting to know anything for even longer than Tony himself. He had been the one to let Tony know of Loki’s true motives, had been the one to push for the search for him, and had been asking to really be involved even when they’ve completely glossed over him.

And it was to no surprise when Clint accepted immediately and wasted no time in getting there.

“You’re lucky I didn’t do my skin-care routine before I went to bed.” Clint told them.

Thor looked outside in confusion. “It’s only a little past midday.”

“I sleep when I wanna sleep.” He looked buttoned up and ready as ever. “Well when are we goin?”

Tony smiled at his eagerness. “Not now if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“Well why not?” Thor asked.

Surprised, Tony turned to him. “Wait really? No last minute meetings? No one dropping in unwanted? Really _really_?”

“Yes really.” He turned to the windows to look out briefly. “There’s daylight, we don’t need any specific preparations- you can breathe the air just fine, and we need Loki to defend against Thanos. Unless you have any qualms?”

But Tony could see it in his eyes too. _Thor_ was anxious to see Loki. But he himself was too. And he made a good point too. Why wait?

“I, for one, do not have any.” Skadi spoke aloud.

Clint pointed at her. “Hey, I was reading up about you and weren’t you married to the King of Vanaheim?”

Skadi shivered in disgust and Thor barked out a sharp laugh that had her sending daggers at him. “We do not speak about it.”

Tony frowned. “I didn’t know that.”

“That’s because it didn’t happen.”

“Well…” Thor tilted his head to the sighed as he stresed the word out in a teasing manner.

Skadi slapped his arm. “Oh hush. If I was your aunt, then you wouldn’t be laughing about it now, now would you?”

He grimaced. “Right.”

“How’d that story go?” Tony asked genuinely. “I searched up a lot, but it still feels like I’m scratching the surface.”

“You know about the deal to make me laugh?” Skadi asked. “It came in three parts. For Odin to make my father’s eyes into stars so that I could look upon them in honor, and for someone to make me laugh which Loki did and then the last was to choose a husband-.”

“But only by his legs.” Thor snorted. “We can be funny too.”

She rolled her eyes. “Oh I’m practically crying with laughter.”

Clint covered his mouth, but his laugh was still pretty audible. “Well it sounds like a lot of that story is true. And apparently she picked the nicest pair of legs, but they belonged to the old King of Vanaheim, but I didn’t know that he was your uncle Thor.”

“Ah Njord is my Mother’s brother yes. And I am very grateful that your marriage truthfully did not go through.”

“As am I.” She murmured. “One of the reasons I do not wish to visit Vanaheim for.”

“And I am curious,” Clint continued. “Is that whole thing with Loki and the goat true? To make you laugh?”

“What?” Skadi and Thor looked at one another. “Ah no. That’s not how that happened.”

“How did it happen?” Tony asked.

Thor shifted in discomfort. “We’ll tell you the story later.”

Skadi snorted.

Clint shifted into his feet. “Well if we have nothing to wait for, I really wanna get this show on the road.”

It felt absolutely surreal and like things were moving too fast, but maybe he had gotten used to things being stalled. And so with a breathy voice, he agreed. “Shit alright, let’s do this then.” He looked at his watch. “How long do you think we’ll be gone for? Just to leave a message for Rhodey and Pepper.”

“Ah.” Thor raised his eyebrows. “Fluxuating time dilation. At this point in time, one day here on Midgard is roughly a week on Asgard.”

“And Hel is completely different.” Skadi noted.

“I’d say about three hours, you’ll be back. Over there, it could be a day.”

“Alright then.” He rolled his shoulders. “You got that Friday?”

“As usual, Boss.”

He was quick to suit up and within moments, they were waiting to be zapped up to Asgard on the balcony with the presence of Skadi who had been strangely quiet the entire time.

He didn’t ask.

Clint was bouncing almost eagerly on his feet. “God my kids are gonna think this is so cool.”

He wasn’t saying that in a few minutes when Clint was throwing up over the rainbow bridge. And wasn’t _that_ a sentence on it’s own? It had become standard for Tony by now and it was amusing to watch Clint look around with the same awed look Tony had the first time around. Heimdall took a liking to Clint too and rather quickly.

With a hug to both Thor and Tony, Skadi was sent back home. Her silence had unnerved him truly, but her posture had been taught. And ah- it was the tight hug that made him realize why she had been silent. She was worried. But more so, she looked worried that Loki wouldn’t be at Hel.

“A feeling.” She had said and then that was that.

Tony didn’t know when he’d see her again, but he hoped that things would go well for her and that things would go well on their part.

Still, they were on a mission and to Vanaheim they went.

Frankly, it looked a lot like Asgard, just a lot less gold and intimidating. It seemed more rustic really, like a fairytale version of a castle and villages. But they weren’t medival, just far more magical. Floating lanterns, beautiful butterflies- or they looked like butterflies-, and cute animals moved about. He wasn’t really sure what they were and they looked far too foreign to really compare to anything like a cat or dog.

“There’s no need for your suit, friend.” Thor stayed softly. “This place is far more politically stable than Asgard at the moment.”

And so without a doubt, Tony let the suit give away. The air was just as fresh as he imagined it was.

Following Thor’s lead, they ended up at the gates of the the castle. With no trouble at all, the gates open and they were greeted by few people- Vanirs as Thor had said- warmly and with smiles. They seemed well groomed and happy and their clothing stood out with brighter colors. If he had to guess, they were nobles.

And while many recognized Thor and talked to him too familiar, many watched from afar too, but in a casual way like this wasn’t too uncommon.

“My mother was Vanir.” Thor explained to them when there were one or two women who had embraced him in a way that seemed like family. They followed calmly down the courtyard of the castle. “My brother and I and Sliepner would come visit my Uncle Njord, as you know king of this realm, and our relatives often so my presence is no cause for worry.”

“Ah…” Tony murmured. “Then how do we find Sleipnir?”

“Loki’s oldest kid?” Clint interrupted. “Black curly hair, green eyes, tan skin? Cute kid?”

Thor pauses in his steps as he looked over at him in surprise. To be fair, Tony was equally as surprised.

“How-?”

“I remember him.” Clint shrugged and rubbed the back of his head. His face pulled into a frown and his eyes seemed a little off. “He was in my head, but I was in his too and I remember Sleipnir.”

And he said it so flawlessly, like he had spoken the name before, like he was familiar with it.

“I remember a lot, but some of them aren’t my own memories.”

Tony glanced at Thor nervously, trying to discern his reaction. But Thor had none. He was blank and stern and in the end, he just nodded. “Yes, Loki’s oldest son.”

Clint didn’t say a word and Tony wasn’t sure if that was for the best. For now, they walked in silence as Thor seemed to try to grab his bearings. Eventually, Thor broke the silence with a soft apology.

“Forgive me, I’m just… I don’t mean to be brash or come off as rude.” He began slowly and the words came off awkwardly. “To think that you might be privy to some… private memories that I shared with my brother is something I’m not too sure how to feel about. Or to think that you may know him in a way that I won’t ever get to see or understand is somewhat disheartening.”

It felt like ice was poured down his back.

God, if Thor ever found out, it would crush him wouldn’t it?

And he was supposed to be supporting his friend right now, but he was too caught up in his own panic to really do anything, but watch and listen.

“It’s no problem.” Clint said easily. “And it’s only bits and pieces really. Nothing too big- just basic knowledge I guess.”

“Right.” Thor cleared his throat. “Due to circumstance, my father sent Sleipnir here to be cared for by my uncle. It was the safest place for him since the Vanir are not interested in violence or slaughter, but in Seidr and peace.”

The topic changed quickly and Tony was still trying to compose himself.

“While I remember where Sleipnir is, I must converse with my uncle as it has been some time. The last we conversed was at my mother’s funeral.” He spoke in a grim tone. “It changed him deeply.”

“Do you think Loki knows?” Tony asked, but cursed at himself for letting it slip.

Thor’s expression went a little strangled, but it seemed like he didn’t look to deeply into it. “I’m sure he does.”

They were silent for a few moments, all in their own little world. Eventually, they came before a throne room. It was empty save for a few guards.

“So where’s the king?”

“I-…” Thor looked around in confusion. “I haven’t the slightest idea. Surely our presence would have been mentioned to him by now.”

Tony waved down a guard. “Excuse us, but do you happen to know where the king is?”

The guard simply pointed down a vast hallway.

“Uh-… thanks.”

Tony turned back around and shrugged. Thor simply began walking to where they had been directed. Sparing a glance to Clint, he seemed a little off-putted as well. The further they got, the stranger the air felt and the less people they saw.

“Thor?” Tony called out.

He made a noise of acknowledgement.

“Listen, I don’t know if this is normal, but something doesn’t feel right.”

“That’s because it isn’t.” Thor admitted. “This place usually bustles with life. Whatever energy the king has, the people feed off of it.”

“So if the king is happy, the people thrive?” Clint asked under his breath.

The hallways soon became overrun with vines and shrubs the further they went. The lanterns had gone out and footsteps imprinted in dust were left behind in their wake.

“If the king is well, but this place…” Thor broke off a branch that was in his way and it turned into dust in his hands. “It’s dying.”

There were another set of footsteps and they all came to a stop as a woman, with an elegant dress appeared down the hall. Her blonde hair drawn into a bun and brown eyes peircing them.

As soon as she was near, Thor bowed subtly and after so many times Tony had done this, he knew to follow along. It was normal etiquette by now. Clint stumbled into an awkward bow too, but she didn’t seem unnerved.

“Thor.” She greeted. “It has been some time.”

“It is always good to see family.” He agreed. He turned to introduce Tony and Clint and her expression never wavered. “My friends, this is my cousin Rán, Princess of Vanaheim. Sister to Frey and Freyja, rulers of Alfheim.”

And Tony opened his mouth to point out that Sigyn was daughter to the rulers of Aflheim- but then he realized something a little bit disturbing. If Loki had thought he had been Frigga’s blood son when he had married Sigyn- and Frigga’s brother is also Sigyn’s grandfather then… Oh my god Loki thought he was marrying his cousin’s daughter. First cousin once removed if he was being technical.

Jesus, he knew back then incest was a thing, but he didn’t think… nope no he wasn’t going there. Even if Loki was adopted, he had no idea until recently. Okay, yeah he was not going to think about this anymore. He could feel the headache growing.

“-and so we wait until Frey makes a decision.” Rán had said and Tony was abrupt brought back into the conversation.

“Ah, and King Njörd?”

“You will find him at the end of the hall.”

“Thank you.”

And they bid each other farewell and Tony was left a little confused. “Um… what did I miss?”

Thor eyed him. “You weren’t paying attention?”

“No I wasn’t. I was too busy thinking about how you and Sigyn are actually related.”

Clint sighed aloud. “You and me both, Tony.”

“Ah…” Thor sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. “There are many things in my extended family tree that we do not point out.” His voice was strained.

“Incest.” Clint snorted.

“At least it’s wasn’t like the rulers of Alfheim.” Thor shivered in poorly hidden disgust.

Tony frowned as things still didn’t make sense. “How did they become the rulers of Alfheim anyway if they were the prince and princess to Vanaheim?”

“The Allfather thought it was unnatural for two siblings to marry one another and annulled their marriage when they came to Asgard.” Thor explained. “And so they conquered Alfheim and married there instead.” Thor shrugged. “But as for what we discussed, it was only about why it feels so strange here. Apparently the king is sick and the next heir is Frey, but since he is the ruler of Alfheim then things are at a standstill. The Vanir don’t want a Queen and Rán would be next in line after Freyja, but they’re trying to figure something out.”

“I thought you said things were more politically stable here.”

“I thought so, but this was unknown to me as well as to the Allfather surely.” He glared at the floor. “There is no time for such issues now, not with Thanos on the horizon and the nine realms losing people.”

When they made it to the end, there were a set of doors that were completely overgrown with vines. It took very little time for them to rip them apart and for Thor to gently push open the door.

Sunlight poured in and Tony had to blink at the sudden influx of bright sun. With a hand covering his eyes and slowly got accustomed to it and peeked out.

His gasp was audible and he was certain that he was the only one who had such a reaction.

There was a garden, much like Frigga’s garden, but overrun and withered away. There was a bench and a man clearly aged well into what looked like his nineties with golden hair that looked well past faded and tired blue eyes. He looked like Thor, but like a wizard version. He wondered if that’s how Frigga had looked like- save the beard and of course masculine features.

His shaking hands caressed the the hair of the gigantic horse who’s head lay comfortable in the old man’s lap. The man struggled with untangling the hair, but despite that, the horse remained still and patient. There was a blindfold over it’s eyes as well.

The horse itself was laying on it’s side, tan in color and sporting many legs- four in the front and four hind legs to be exact. One in the front was wrapped and bandages and the poor thing seemed to be breathing heavily. For it’s size, it looked far too frail and unhealthy.

Eventually, the old man turned to them and smiled a very toothy smile. “Thor! It has been awhile!” The old man stood up on trembling legs moving the horse’s head off and Thor rushed to his side to try and keep him steady.

“Oh bless the Norns, now look how you’ve grown. I haven’t seen you since you were, but a boy.”

“I-…” Thor stuttered. “Loki and I used to come here often, during summer usually, Uncle Njord. To visit you and Sleipnir as well. And I saw you only a few months ago, do you not remember?”

“Ah…” The old King put a hand on his forehead. “I do not recall- Ah and how is Loki? Why that boy was always bright and charming wasn’t he? How old is he now? He’s just turned a millennia hasn’t he?”

Clint and Tony shared a look and they both understood immediately what was going on. The old man has lost it. Dementia most likely and it felt wrong to witness it.

“Oh you have your mother’s eyes!” The man put a hand on Thor’s jaw. “How is Frigga my boy?”

“Ah-…” Thor swallowed and then realization seemed to dawn on him. “She is well and at peace.”

“Ah, that warms my heart. Remind me to come and visit her. It has been too long. She must surely be jealous as well.” The king cackled to himself and sat down onto the bench and patted the horse on his head. “That I get to spend time with her grandchild so much.”

“Oh Sleip-…” Thor’s voice went strangled and he knelt before the horse. In a very affectionate move, he wrapped his arms around the stallion’s neck and pulled back to caress it’s snout. “I didn’t recognize you. You have changed so much.”

“Oh fuck-.” Tony eyed the horse- Loki’s son, with wide and disbelieving eyes. “When I read about Sleipnir being a horse- I actually hadn’t pictured a real fucking horse.”

Clint elbowed him with a frown.

Without much words, Clint moved over to stand over the horse. He looked far too tiny in comparison. He knelt down too and ran a comforting hand over it’s side. He didn’t seem too surprised and Tony wondered if he had seen this in Loki’s head too.

But Loki had drawn a portrait of him as a boy- a human looking boy. How was he a horse now then?

“What happened here?” Tony asked aloud to no one in particular.

The old man continued to talk to Thor and while he made sense, a lot of what he said clearly left Thor confused and asking him to repeat what he had said. Occasionaly Thor would correct him, but the process would start all over again as the king kept going back to what he and Frigga used to do as children. But from what he heard, he was horribly wrong in many things.

Then once in a while, he would blanch and then mention Frigga’s funeral, but then two minutes later he would talk about her like she was still alive. Tony could see how much that would pain Thor and he felt honestly horrible for him. It had to feel so bad to watch a family member go through that.

Tony kept his distance away, feeling like this wasn’t his place to interfere and frankly a little nervous to be standing so close to Sleipnir out of fear that he might kick him with one of those giant legs. Instead, he limited himself to watch from afar as Thor tried to get anything at all from his uncle while Clint was seemingly examining Sliepner.

Running hands over his body, bending and slowly moving one of the legs at the joint and stopping when he whined and pressing an ear to where Tony thought his heart might be. Briefly, Clint reached over to the blindfold and leaned in close to peak before putting it back in it’s place.

His face was a little grim.

“Thor, what happened to him?” Clint asked. “How did that little boy turn into this?”

At the sound of his name, he looked up at him and then over at Tony.

The old man had begun to murmur to the horse about what he saw. The color of the world around them, the wild brush, the scenery and so forth.

And so with a sigh, Thor began to explain. “Sleipnir hadn’t always been like this. When Loki disappeared for a couple days, everyone was in shock and my father and mother were frantically searching for him. Heimdall could not see him and we were all panicking.” It looked like it pained him to recall it. “Whatever happened- as I told you, Tony- he came back with a babe only a few days old as it seemed and with a certain look in his eyes, he told us that he had bore it.”

Clint remained quiet as he listened though surely this was news to him.

“He wouldn’t tell us how that happened or who had fathered it and I will not go into specifics on how Loki was able to birth a child, but as far as we all know, Loki had never spoken to anyone about what really happened.”

He took in a shuddering breath and Tony knew that it must pain him to never know what had occurred and it was nagging on his own mind just as much. But if Loki didn’t want to talk about it, then maybe some stories are just better left buried. Maybe they were just too traumatizing- too dark and twisted for the story to ever really be told. And as far as he knew, the story about Loki and Sleipnir had to be wrong- maybe not completely- but maybe not all of it either.

“So then what happened?”

“He was raised with us. Secretly, under the shadows and no one knew about his existence.” Thor stroke it’s neck soothingly. “Truth be told, he was like Loki in mini version. He was like a brother more than my nephew and I remember Sleip would never call Loki ‘father’ and it annoyed him to great ends.” He Let out a laugh then. “Still, we were all close. But when Vali and Narfi passed-.”

Sleipnir whined loud and shifted and Thor and the King were quick to soothe him down with soft whispers and apologies from Thor’s end. The King had remained quiet during the whole explanation until now. Still, he didn’t say anything to add to his story.

In those first moments where it looked like Sleip had started to panic, Clint had shuffled away to avoid being kicked and Tony carefully stepped closer to be by Clint’s side. He felt small in comparison, but he focused on the harsh breathing and the pitiful noises Sleipnir was making.

Now he was wondering, just how much consciousness he had. Was he a boy trapped in there? Was he aware, was he capable of understanding the world around them like Thor and himself? Or did he just know the world as a horse with no regard for complexities that come with their way of thinking.

“Sorry-,” Thor looked over at them with an apologetic glance. “He still mourns for them just as many of us all do.” He sighed. “When that happened, we realized it wasn’t safe for him to be with us any longer. Rindr was still nowhere to be found, but we knew she was in Asgard. And so, after Sigyn had eloped, Loki had taken Sleipnir away from Asgard.”

“Here?” Tony asked.

“No. They went to Midgard. With Angrboda and Loki’s other children.” His face twisted then.

And yes, Tony knew about Angrboda, but Thor said it so casually and neither Clint nor him had a reaction to it. And maybe they should have. Or at the least, Tony should have reacted, because he had no excuse like Barton. Except he did. Sigyn had told him and he supposed that if Thor pointed out his lack of reaction, he could bring it back to that.

“But that didn’t last too long. Eventually, the council found out and how, I’m still too unsure about, and things went downhill.” Thor was still stroking Sleipnir even if his breathing wasn’t quick and shallow anymore. “Loki had been stealing Idunn’s apples. The apples of immortality for Angrboda.”

“So he was human?” Clint asked and got a nod in return. “And Loki bore the kids?” Again, Thor nodded only confirming Tony’s early guess that he had made days ago. Loki could change between sexes and gender, but did he know?

“And so there was a trial and Loki’s lips were to be sewn shut for being a liar and traitor.”

“And your father watched.” Tony grit his teeth.

“Yes.” Thor lamented. “And though I will not try to justify his actions, I will say that it was a punishment that none of us wanted. My mother had been arguing with my father for days and refused to eat, but the people wanted blood for no Midgardian was worthy enough to eat the apple least of all a male consort of a Prince.”

And ah- right. They were homophobic. How could he forget such a tidbit?

“What happened then?” Tony pressed.

“My mother and I helped convince my father to let him out- at least in secret with an illusion in place so that he could see Angrboda one final time.” His tone was angry. “And so Angrboda passed not long after and the children were banished. A prophet had named them the harbringers of Ragnorak- but no one does anything without bias and I’m sure it was because of her dislike towards Loki for his… attractions.”

“Because he was gay.” Clint said bluntly.

“Yes. Because he simply liked men more so than women.” Thor admitted. “Jör managed to flee elsewhere while Hela and Fenrir weren’t so lucky and banished to Hel. But they were strong and together, rose to the top. It wasn’t too long before we discovered that Hela reigned over the dead and the glee that filled us to know that they weren’t suffering or worse, dead, is unimaginable. But for Sleipnir- something had happened in the midst of all that chaos. Whether he had been cursed, or if he had panicked and had mistakingly turned himself into a stallion, we are unsure and since the age of thirteen- for seven centuries- Sleipnir has not changed.”

“And so he was sent here.” Tony concluded.

“To be cared for and perhaps even with the use of Seidr, manipulated back into who he was before.” Thor said.

“Well it looks like he’s not doing so well.” Clint muttered and took a seat next to Sliepner again. “The amount of legs he has puts so much strain on him. It’s not good- it doesn’t serve any type of reasonable purpose. Does he have trouble walking or even doing anything?”

“Yes!” The king exclaimed. “Oh this one hates exercising with a passion. Moving at all too!”

Thor’s lips pressed into a thin line. “He wasn’t like this before. He had no problems as an Aesir- or no he’s not Aesir, but as his Midgardian form. But it was after a few years and centuries in this form that he began to show signs of difficulty walking and then refused to move at all.”

“Yeah well,” Clint motioned towards his legs. “His tendons are swollen really bad from all this extra weight and this one in particular-,” he only pointed at the left one in the front with the bandages in the front, located right under his chest. “His ligament in what would be our knee is completely ripped. He clearly favored this one and I can see the signs of stress in the hind leg now since he can’t depend on this one anymore.”

Thor frowned. “They should be taking care of him. We trusted that they would.”

“Ah, but we can only fix so much Thor.” The king said in a moment of clarity. “Time after time, even with constant healing, some damage is too prolongued and severe that things would never be the same.” He strokes Sliepner’s snout. “Isn’t that right my boy?”

Thor tilted his head and looked over at Clint with a curious expression. “What else could you tell?”

“Well, I’m no veterinarian, but I grew up around horses and he’s in pretty bad shape.” Clint raised a hand to count everything he noticed. “First off, his heart. It sounds… funny, like there’s a weird sound and it might be just that his is bigger, but there’s something not right about it and his eyelashes. There’s two sets, the normal one, and then the eyelashes in the eyelid- and then lastly, the blindfold.”

“What about it?” Thor looked considerable confused and turned to take it off.

Tony shifted his weight onto the other foot and waited patiently. His relaxed posture tensed up instantly when Clint said ‘wait’ urgently and almost in a shout.

But Thor had taken it off and Sleipnir instantly made a loud noise and kicked Thor a good distance away. The piece of cloth flew infront of Tony and he bent down quickly to pick it up. Sleipnir was on his feet and clearly panicking and Tony was able to see why he had the blindfold on in the first place.

His eyes weren’t green like he had been told by both Loki or mentioned earlier today by Clint. No, they were like goat eyes with a hint of yellow and frankly disturbing to look at.

Clint, while trying to calm him down as well as Thor, it was to no avail. The old king kept muttering things like he was talking to a child and not a conscious being- if Sleipnir was even conscious. But while Thor was avoiding being kicked again by those powerful legs- although frail and injured still very much powerful- Clint wasn’t godly quick and he was a safer distance away.

But Sleipnir was still panicking and Tony did the first thing that came to mind. He walked up to him even as Sleip was on his hind legs and kicking to and fro. As soon as Sleipnir put his front legs on the floor, he reached out and tugged him close by his hair so that his snout was touching his chest, the arc reactor specifically. And he wasn’t sure what had prompted him to do that or why he knew it was the right course of action, but his chest felt warm and there was a comforting buzz below his skin.

And Sleipnir was instantly calm. His eyes, though wide and blinking frantically, didn’t look as panicked and his breathing was noticeably slower. Familiar almost. In a few seconds, his legs trembled and he slumped back down to the ground painfully and Tony followed him. The whole time, Tony kept him pressed close to his chest. As soon as he was back down, he wrapped the cloth back over his eyes and put it back on snug.

The old king had put a hand on his shoulder and grinned with a shaky smile. “Loki, you have always been so good at calming him down.”

That made Tony step back in alarm, but the man was already sitting back down and going back to what he had been doing before Sleipnir had stood up. It was like he had never compared Tony to Loki at all.

One glance to Thor and Clint, and it seemed like they hadn’t heard what the king had said. There was only expressions of relief and exasperation. Thor caught his eye though and mouthed thank you before taking his place again next to his nephew.

“That manner that he stepped back down looked rather painful.” Thor noted. “Is there anything we can do to reduce his pain, Uncle?”

“Afraid not.” He shook his head. “Too much Seidr healing can create a dependency. You must surely know this. Or has Frigga not told you yet? Speaking of which, how is she?” And then it was back to Frigga again.

Thor grit his teeth in frustration, but his eyes were noticeably glossy. He didn’t answer him and instead spoke to both he and Clint. “I have a fear that he won’t be able to get by much longer in this state.”

Sleipnir whined.

“And while I have no power to change that, I hope that when-… if he changes, these injuries and genetic mishaps won’t follow him.”

But Tony could tell, that would probably be very unlikely.

“Who can we ask?”

“Hela and Fenrir.” Thor sniffed. “Sleipnir used to pass the gateway to visit them, but it seems like he hasn’t and I have a feeling that the kingdom of Vanaheim is in clear disarray. With a sick king and no regent at the throne, this is something that will have to be sorted out. But not now.” He said his farewells to King Njord and have a loving pat to Sliepner who let out a pitiful noise.

He stood up and looked over to the wall of rock the former the base of the mountain that the kingdom was built by. Following Thor once again, the watched as he carefully touched around the rocks and pressed. It looked like was trying to find a soft spot that would give in.

Tony waited patiently as a minute turned into five and they still had nothing. He looked around and spotted a flower sticking out of the ground. A single flower- one that he remembered Loki mentioning was Frigga’s favorite. He bent low and pulled at it, but it was so stuck into the ground that the roots began to pull up and there was an audible click.

Thor stepped back and the wall began to give away and there was a small cave that gave way into darkness.

“How’d you do that?” Clint asked.

“I didn’t…” Thor murmured.

Tony looked down at the flower in his grip and then with his foot, pressed it back into the ground.

“Secret door.” He whispered to himself. Loki was honestly amazing, he thought with a smile and followed Thor’s lead as he grabbed a torch from inside the castle and they made their way into the dark abyss.


	23. An Act of Defiance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter from Thor’s point of view!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote and rewrote this chapter a few times before realizing that Tony’s point of view wouldn’t do this whole scene justice and it had to be from someone who understood the deep relationships between certain characters and so forth. So I ended up on Thor.

Only a few steps in, the opening closed behind them and the torch was their only source of light. Thor could feel the tension in the air and emanating from the two behind him. He looked over at Tony and Clint trying to decipher their expressions. After all, from what Thor recalled from their world, Hel was depicted as a place of torment and suffering and they were fidgety. They were nervous.

And Thor wouldn’t be too arrogant to deny that he too was feeling that anxiety. Not as prominent, but still lingering there in the back of his mind.

“Thor.” Tony spoke out before they started to make their way. “Why didn’t Loki tell you about this?” He motioned to everything around them.

Thor’s shoulders were taut and he could feel his face pull into a frown as he pondered. While he had asked himself many times why Loki had never spoken about this place or why he hadn’t shared many other things, he could only blame himself. He had always been so brash and quick to judge or point fingers, he was sure that if he had been in Loki’s place, he wouldn’t have said anything either.

In the end he opted for an answer that felt the truest to Loki’s character. “He was protecting me, I’m sure of it.”

“Why?” Clint asked. “He didn’t seem that against killing you back in New Mexico. He did send that robot thing didn’t he?”

It was a painful reminder of that incident when he had done everything to try and forget about it. Loki hadn’t been in the right mind and while he couldn’t deny that Loki had crossed a line, he couldn’t exactly say that Loki’s actions were in any way normal. They’ve fought, they’ve argued, they’ve resorted to pummeling each other, but neither of them had ever gone so far as to fight with the intent to kill.

It wasn’t normal. It wasn’t like Loki.

Perhaps Loki had forgotten that he was utterly mortal at the time, but that wasn’t like him to forget. However, while the things Loki had done that day was utter madness and that incident had been the least of his worries. Especially when confronted with the knowledge that Loki had tried to massacre an entire race and that Loki and he had never been related in the first place.

A normal man would have broken under that, and maybe Loki had broken under that pressure, but his brother was anything but weak. For when others would mourn and cry pitifully, his brother had raged and ignited a fire so hot that everyone could feel it. None had been spared from his turmoil.

Thor growled under his breath. “I don’t know why he did that, but that was then and this is now.” His voice was almost resigned. He cast the torch down the walls of the path they were to take. It was dark, the walls dripped with water and they could hear the occasional droplet hit the floor. “I don’t think this pathway is natural either. I think it was made. I think he made this path for Sliepner.” He pointed out, eager to change the subject.

This path between the worlds was unlike any that he had ever seen and while he had been aware of the strength Loki possessed, to think that he was able to coerce Yggdrasil to make this path for Sliepner was truly a marvelous feat. How could he have ever believed that Loki had truly intended to rule Midgard when all this had been shoved into his face? Midgard would have been his in a heartbeat if he truly wanted it.

“How can you tell?” And Tony sounded genuinely curious.

“This isn’t natural.” He motioned at everything around them. “These paths are only folds in space. One moment you are on Midgard and the next, you are on Muspelheim. There is no visible gate or doorway. It is invisible to the naked eye until you pass it.” Thor tried to explain it as naturally as he could. “This is a clear path and it has an undercurrent of energy- Seidr. I believe Loki manipulated or encouraged the branches of Yggdrasil to extend here.” It felt utterly insane to say it out loud, but he didn’t doubt that Loki could do it.

“Is that possible?” Clint asked.

“I didn’t think it was until now and I am certain he did this.” He said with resolution and even the hint of pride in his voice. “As for why he never told me where it was- and I fought with him tirelessly over this-, I believe it was because he knew what I was like and would have most likely brought our comrades on this perilous journey.”

He could barely think about his younger self without a hint of shame. Oh how brash and careless he had been. Norns only knew what kind of chaos he would have wrought as king.

“I would have gotten us killed.” He admitted.

He watched carefully as they both stared into the dark pathway and he could see they were not not eager to get started. It almost felt like they were asking questions to simply stall.

Tony shifted on his feet. “Do you have any warnings for us? Like did Loki mention anything about what it was like to travel through here?”

Thor hummed as he had to ponder on it for a moment. Oh Loki had mentioned a fair bit and he mentally slapped himself for forgetting to bring this up before. Still, he supposed he could blame it on the desperation he had felt to get to Hel. That was no excuse though. He had to remember that he wasn’t alone and that he had his friends with him. He couldn’t be reckless.

“In a short while, we will enter what Loki called, ‘Heaven’s End’.” He supplied after some time.

Thor could hear Clint swallow nervously and watched Tony’s eyes shoot over and back to him. “Okay, first of all, that’s creepy, and second, why the fuck did he call it that?”

Thor shrugged. “I haven’t the slightest idea.”

But he could easily agree that the name was foreboding and most likely a sign of things to come. He could feel the bead of sweat on his forehead as the torch’s heat is starting to feel unbearable to hold onto in such close proximity.

“We will have to walk through it calmly as any other attempt at going through this quickly will only make matters worse.” And that meant no use of Mjölnir to fly him through it and no use of Tony’s suit. “He said this path was through a sea of lost souls, but under no circumstance will you open your mouth to speak or even pay attention to the sounds or voices. And do not break down. Do you understand me?”

And he knew that they would take him for his word, but he also knew that they could both be reckless and forget about his advice the second they entered the zone. Or maybe that was just himself. Still, he wanted to make sure that advice was cemented into their minds. He would not lose them today due to some small mistake.

“What’re they going say?” Tony asked.

“I don’t know, Loki did not say, but I suppose we shall find out for ourselves.”

However, when Thor had asked, Loki’s insuing expression had been disturbing. His eyes had been dull and his expression had been dark and it was a look he had seen on many warstruck warriors who had seen far too much blood and chaos in their lifetime. After that, Thor hadn’t asked Loki again, too scared of seeing that expression on his face again and too afraid of being the one to inadvertently cause it.

Thor finally began to walk forward into the depths. “Do not stray away from me.”

He could hear Tony activate his suit, but he kept his faceplate down. Occasionally as they walked, he could hear Tony tap at his arm and make a noises to himself in thought. His instruments must have been acting up surely, after all, he could feel his own Seidr grow restless under his skin.

But Clint looked fine enough and he stared ahead with that look he always wore when charging into battle. Clint was hard for him to decipher really. He seemed so lighthearted at times and then without a moment’s notice, his demeanor changed and there was a soldier who wouldn’t hesitate to draw blood. But while he could understand the need to separate the disciplined and harsh side from a more compassionate and human side, it was the strange fondness he had for his brother that confused him.

It wasn’t to say that no one could have fondness for Loki, it was just that Clint seemed like a man who knew far too much and far too little. Like he had lived in Loki’s life, but forgotten nearly everything. He truly felt for the man because it had to have been difficult and painful. After all, he had witnessed the moment when Clint had walked up to Sliepner confidently and with a similar stagger to Loki’s, but then when Sliepner hadn’t reacted, his eyes cleared up and he looked utterly confused towards Sliepner and then to himself.

While he wasn’t sure how Clint had been before his interaction with Loki, he still lamented over the damage his brother had inadvertently caused. Clint would most likely never be able to recover from this and that was truly something to be mourned.

He snapped out of his thoughts. It wasn’t long before the air felt thicker to breathe in and something in the atmosphere changed.

“Is the air smelling kinda funny to you guys?” Tony asked aloud.

Thor grunted as he noted the change. “It’s not air you’re breathing.” He admitted. Air was lighter and admittedly nicer, but this was something heavier and thicker.

“What?” Tony looked down at his forearm to see what it was that he was currently inhaling although Thor doubted his technology could tell him what it was. Not even Aesir who had studied this atmosphere for centuries could say what exactly this was. By all means, it was an atmosphere that shouldn’t exist.

Clint nudged Tony. “Is it poisonous?”

But Thor answered for him. “No. It’s something else all together. It’s Hel’s air, but it won’t bring you harm, I promise. I would have made sure you both brought something to protect against it if that was the case.”

Another few meters in and everything turned ominous.

It was pitch black and the torch provided no help. It was like the inky darkness consumed the little light the torch gave and was just waiting to envelop them. It was just a never ending straight line, but it felt like they had been going in circles and the walls of stone had disappeared after they had stepped more than ten feet into the secret entrance.

To think that Loki had found this and had gone through this alone was insane to think of and he found himself admiring him even more. He must’ve been stupidly brave or straight up insane to do this. But either way, Loki was Loki, and he was going to do whatever he wanted and Thor admired him for that.

They were silent as they walked and eventually there was something that crawled under his skin and made every fiber of his being scream. It felt like a bowstring pulled back as far as it could could and just ready to snap. It was when it was at the very edge that Thor had to stop in his tracks after what felt like hours.

“Why’d you stop?” Tony whispered, but it almost sounded like shout in the suffocating silence and Thor flinched at the volume. He could hear his heartbeat, he could even hear Tony’s and Clint’s. It was a discomforting silence.

“We’re just before the zone. Few steps forward.” His own voice bounced about in what felt like a never ending echo after he had spoken it. He wondered if the others felt this strangeness too.

Tony spoke in a low tone- well as low as he could. “How do you know?”

“I can just feel it… this thrumming under my skin- it feels dark and twisted.” Thor tried to explain. “Like it’s trying to consume me whole.” It felt like an apt description. “Clint, come to my right side. It was foolish to not have brought protection.” He cursed himself in hindsight.

Clint shrugged. “I’m human, not much I can do about godly strength or make my own armor.”

Tony flinched and his face twisted like it always did when he was starting to blame himself. “I’m so sorry.” He said honestly because Thor knew that there was no way he was going to put himself over Clint’s safety. While it wasn’t his place to tell Tony that it was alright, he was glad that Clint stopped him in his tracks.

“Dude, I’m fine.” He murmured. “Besides, I think my mental stability might be just a bit more stable than yours. No offense, but I think you’re gonna need that protection more than me.”

Tony’s face soured and Thor could see the hurt flash across his face at the jab. Still, Clint was right. Tony had not been doing so well for the past few months. If he hadn’t been sure that Tony would have put up a fight, he wouldn’t have even asked Tony to join him to Hel, butit was also partly because he needed Tony and he needed his support as a friend when he inevitably found Loki.

In the end, Tony just nodded sharply.

“You know I didn’t mean it in a bad way.” Clint said softly.

“No I get it. It’s fine.” But his voice was sharp.

Thor reached out to pat his shoulder and Tony reached up to grab his hand in a squeeze. It was a show of reassurance that had become second nature by now. “Tony, you know you can count on us. There’s no shame in admitting you need help. I have learned that bottling up these things isn’t healthy and can only lead to your own self-destruction.”

Tony’s face twisted and so many emotions crossed his expression that Thor couldn’t hope to decipher. Despite that, Thor could see the guilt and panic in his eyes among the many others. Before he could ask or point that out, Tony spoke with venom.

“Oh like you helped Loki?”

Clint sucked in a harsh breath and his face was pulled into a wince.

In hindsight, he should have seen this coming, but there was no reason to be mad when Tony was right. He had promised to protect Loki when his mother had brought Loki to him as a babe, but what a lousy job he had done.

Tony was right so he simply accepted it and didn’t even attempt to deny it.

“I didn’t help Loki, and I regret it, but I have a chance to help you and I will do all that I can to help you like I should have done with my brother.” Thor replied, his eyes warm and smile tentative.

For some reason, he could see Tony’s dismay at his reaction. Tony squeezed his hand again and then tore his gaze away to the path beyond them. His face was even more guilty. “Sorry that was uncalled for- shit. Let’s just get this over with.” He put his faceplate back on and his expression was hidden.

Thor wondered if he had said something wrong. If only Loki was here, he would’ve known what to say.

And so they stepped forward into the zone and it was like all that energy had exploded.

It was impossible to miss the change. The level of dread that he felt was unbelievable. It was like the world had stopped, the silence was loud and pounding- Thor could hear the breath in his lungs and his heartbeat in his ears. It was just that prominent.

The silence turned into voices, shrieking and whispering alike. Like a thousand voices surrounding him, their voices shrill and desperate. Screeching out in a panic, moaning in anguish, and sobbing in agony. The sounds of tortured people.

He could feel Tony collapse behind him and Thor turned around swiftly to see him on the floor and hands over where his ears would have been under the helmet.

Oh Norns please don’t let him break down now.

He caught Clint’s expression, wide eyed and horrified and hands over his mouth as though just barely stopping himself from screaming.

His eyes were blank, like he was disassociating, but he could see the tremble of his lips and his eyes grow increasingly haunted. His eyebrows were furrowed and Thor could see the sheen of sweat on his face. Clint in the end, just squeezed his eyes shut like a child trying not to listen to something he shouldn’t have.

And then suddenly, Clint was disturbingly calm. Like he had been through this before. And maybe- through Loki- he had.

Thor wanted to shout, but he knew he couldn’t open his mouth and forced himself to lean over, fighting against the torrent of wind and overwhelming sounds to grab onto Tony. But as he tugged him forward, he could feel hands over him. Hands over his armor, yanking his cape- they caressed him while others scratched and pulled. It was as though they were trying to get under his skin and tear him apart from the inside.

Eventually, Thor and Clint yanked Tony to his feet and Clint was in his face trying to shake him back into focus, but it was hard to know if Tony was responding. And Thor could only watch helplessly and wonder what it was that Tony was hearing or experiencing. After all, Tony had more than enough trauma that he could be reliving over and over at this very moment and Thore could only stare and hope he could pull himself together.

The torch in his hand drew his attention and he watched it flicker and dance wildly like it was about to go out. Behind the torch, a face was illuminated and it’s horrified expression, it’s mouth open in a permanent scream and eyes wide open and dead were engraved forever in his memory. It was the face of everyone he had every known, people who had hurt him and people he had loved all in one and he could not separate them.

He saw his mother’s face stare back at him.

As soon as Tony was on his feet, he forced them to run.

That’s when the voices started to grow impossibly louder in Thor’s ears.

He couldn’t drown it out and it had taken him by surprise when he began to hear the voices of his friends screaming out to him, the sounds of children sobbing- his nephews and nieces-, Sigyn’s soft whisper in encouragement to let go, Clint and Tony’s voices were in the background, but it was his mother’s begging and his father’s panicked shouts that were the loudest of them all. Among all that, Loki’s soft whisper- a distressed lull against the silence and calm at the same time.

Thor’s eyes were screwed shut, lips pressed together to stop himself from screaming and he knew face was pained. But he couldn’t break down even as he heard the sounds of Loki’s anguished screams when he killed his own nephews on repeat or when he listened to his mother’s frantic begging as she stood watch as the soldiers held Loki down to sew his lips together. He couldn’t even break down when he listened to his father’s desperate shouts as he called for healer’s over his mother’s body. That and so many more, so many painful memories, so many voices- Rindr’s among the loudest as she taunted him with tales of what she had done to Loki behind his back and behind closed doors-.

Everything.

The torch flickered out.

When Thor blinked, and they were all on their knees on solid ground. In the distance, he could make out what looked like a large set of doors, looking like they had withstood the test of time itself. The floor beneath him was ashy and dead and the sky was equally as dull and grey and dark clouds rolled overhead. It was ominous, but Thor preferred this much more than before.

Hee allowed himself to break. Keeling over himself and hands over his mouth like he had done so many times as a child. His sobs were stifled and undignified and utterly distraught and it was with silent apprehension that Tony reached over to hold onto him. He knew Tony could feel the shakiness in his shoulders and tried to collect himself.

They didn’t say anything, but they let him cry it out. For that he was grateful.

Grateful that they didn’t judge him or tell him to man up, or look at him differently. For he had to be strong, he couldn’t afford to be weak, he had to be perfect even when he didn’t feel like he was. Even when he knew he wasn’t.

Eventually, Thor collected himself and they didn’t mention his puffy eyes or the occasional sniff. Tony only smiled at him reassuringly- his faceplate down- and motioned for him to get up.

They quietly make their way to the gate and then they stop short as soon as they process what exactly it was that they were seeing. A black wolf with crimson eyes and easily three times the size of a regular large wolf. And by Norns did that wolf tower over them with large fangs and smelling like death.

It seemed like it was waiting and more importantly, like it had been expecting them. But Thor was familiar with this large wolf and he had an inkling to who it was. He had heard stories of a great wolf that roamed Hel, but he had never seen his nephew in all his glory.

“Fenrir.” He murmured and he couldn’t help the relief that flooded into his voice.

It had been centuries since he had seen them and even when Thor hadn’t been as involved in their life as he had been with Sliepner, Vali, or even Narfi, he still loved them all the same as his brother’s children. As his blood and they were still he blood regardless if they didn’t share it.

He looked over at the others just out of habit, but mainly to see how Clint or Tony would react to that.

Clint himself looked lost. Perhaps he didn’t know of Fenrir or maybe he didn’t expect this sight. Either way, he didn’t say anything and was just as silent as he observed in a manner eerily similar to Natasha.

But it was Tony’s that had him scratching his head, but that was starting to become a normal occurrence. He looked like he just… knew. His eyes were still wide and in shock, but it was a lot more subdued. But while Thor could blame it on the fact that Tony had admitted to looking up information about them, Thor still had a feeling that Tony was just hiding something.

It was not simply a matter of hiding a secret- no. Thor had lived with Loki and the Allfather and while he didn’t agree to their secretive lifestyle, he understood that some secrets were not his to bear witness to and some are just better left unsaid. He wasn’t asking for them to tell him all of their dark hidden truths, but there lies a difference between burying certain things and withholding things that could be detrimental.

And Tony was hiding something detrimental.

Tony would freeze everytime Thor brought up something about Loki. That or say something that Thor knew he shouldn’t have been aware of only to quickly put out an explanation with a sort of panic that felt unnatural. His expression wouldn’t be one of guilt when Thor offered his friendship. So Thor knew what that meant. If the secret, whatever it was that Tony was hiding, didn’t have anything to do with him then Thor shouldn’t even know he was hiding something.

But this meant that he was hiding something and it was something that Tony felt had to do with Thor and was subconsciously showing it.

Him and Pepper, although Pepper was much less subtle about it.

This had been back when Rindr had been brought and Pepper had walked over to him. She had been fidgety, avoiding his eyes, and then meeting his eyes straight on for far too long when they finally talked. And the conversation truly wasn’t about anything, just Pepper asking how he was doing and he doing the same. Out of curiousity, he asked her if Tony was doing alright and that he sensed that something was off about him and let it slip purposely that he seemed to be hiding seomthing.

She had laughed it off and then glanced over Tony’s way with a twitch in her eyebrows. She seemed uncomfortable and eager to direct his direction elsewhere. And while he could commend her ability to smoothly transition to other topics and avoid giving a direct answer, he had been doing this for centuries and could recognize that method. Still, he didn’t pressure her then.

He looked back over at his nephew again only to see Fenrir’s eyes down to his wrist. It remained in its place, with one large leg in the air like he was trying to take a step forward, but hesitated. “You have a bracelet.” The wolf noted and it was alarming to hear him speak, but not outwardly. It was more like they could hear his thoughts. It’s large snout brushed forward against Thor’s hand curiously.

Thor’s hand twitched and he ached to reach out and stroke him, reassure himself that this was Fenrir, but it felt like he shouldn’t. Like this familial affection was not something that Fenrir would take too kindly to. He couldn’t help, but frown at that.

His eyebrows drew together in confusion. Fenrir recognized the bracelet, but by acknowledging it and not Thor himself felt off. Like he knew what the bracelet meant, but didn’t know who Thor was. And yes Fenrir had only been a boy when Thor last saw him and his siblings, but Fenrir was old enough to recognize him.

But then again, Fenrir had been an odd one, a little more distant and cold even as a child.

Eventually, Thor glanced down at his bracelet and then back up with a soft expression. If Fenrir truly didn’t recognize him, then perhaps just using this would help him know why he was here in the first place. Raising his arm, he held it up like token of entry. “Thor, brother of Loki.” The words came out as true as they had been his entire life.

Fenrir tilted his head to the side, but his eyes held no warmth or welcome. “Is that supposed to mean something to me?”

Thor flinched, but he put his arm back down. That had truly not been the answer he had been expecting. While it hadn’t been angry or aggressive, Fenrir didn’t say it in a teasing or familiar tone either. “I wish to see my brother.”

“My father.” He drawled out slowly.

“Yes.”

He sniffed and then stood back high and powerful. “No living shall enter this realm.” Fenrir claimed. His ears twitched and it seemed like he was trying to find the words to speak. “It is not of my choice. It is for your own well-being.” It was a little off, but Fenrir was a man of few words back as a child and clearly now. Still, the small explanation let Thor know that Fenrir was slightly apologetic.

But Tony clearly wasn’t having it. “We’ve come all this way. And as far as we know, your brother Sliep-…”

“Sliepner.” Clint added.

“Yes him-! He’s been allowed to walk to and from here to visit you.” He pointed out. “That seems a little bit hypocritical don’t you think?”

“What are your names?” Fenrir asked, looking just a little irritated despite his calm tone.

“Clint Barton.”

“Tony Stark.”

“I am Fenrir, but you already seemed to know that.” He said to all of them.

Fenrir moved his tail to and fro and his eyes held a sense wry pity and Thor wasn’t sure why. Slowly, he brushed over them with his large nose. Like he was scenting them. He nudged Thor a bit softly and Thor tried to remain still and not reach out like he desperately wanted to and had to grit his teeth when Fenrir focused on the bracelet for much longer than him.

The smell of fur assaulted his nose. It wasn’t a bad odor per say, just a really familiar one of dog and a hint of copper. A smell that he quickly recognized as blood.

He had to collect himself and move past the sharp pain he was feeling as Fenrir moved over to Clint. It sniffed Clint curiously, but completely stopped over Tony himself. And it was just like Helblindi had done.

Perhaps it was the arc reactor Tony possessed as that was the only logical reason Thor could come up with.

Nose twitching and narrowed eyes, he drew back and eyed him curiously.

“And who might you be again?” The wolf inquired.

“Tony Stark.” Tony repeated and his voice was just a bit strained.

Instead of saying anything else in relation to that, Fenrir answered their earlier question. “My brother, Sliepner never entered here. We met him halfway, my sister and I.” He huffed and turned. “Follow me. Should you stray aside, I cannot guarantee your safety.” The large doors opened with an eery creak. It sounded as though it had never been opened before.

There was a glinting wall that was breached easily by the wolf. Their last warning to go back.

Thor stepped forward, but he turned to look at them one last time. “I must warn you. Should you pass through this illusion, there will be no going back. You will know what the passage to Hel looks like and I can not promise that you will come out the same.”

They both took a collective breath and tried to soothe their nerves. Tony more than Clint.

They all knew that just behind these walls, Loki was there and Thor’s own nerves were a mess.

“We got this.” Tony said determined. “Piece of cake. We’ll be back home before we know it.”

Thor grimaced.

With him leading the way, they stepped through the illusion. It looked just as how the few scholars that had come here had described.

There were no signs of life. The only brush here were dead trees strewn about, but among the dead forest willowy corpses stalked slowly about with no sense of purpose. But the willowy corpses were only one of the many types of strange beings he saw. It varied from multiple eyes, mangled and unnatural limbs or body forms, to just sludges of rotten flesh. They smelled just as disgusting as they looked.

They maintained real close to Fenrir when they began to walk slowly to them, moaning and weeping, but he fended them off with a few growls and glare. Eventually they came before a lake, but it wasn’t like anything he had ever seen. It was a literal pool of blood.

Deep and dark, crimson waves and thick murkiness painted the picture. There were so many creatures bathing in it, fighting one another with claws and teeth. There were hands outstretched outside of the violent pool as a few other unidentifiable beings tore into the unfortunate ones who were too weak to fight back. There were bodies floating among the lake and they would jerk suddenly, becoming lively again before the others began pushing them down into the blood, drowning them or tearing them apart again. Their hands would be outstretched and claw desperately for air.

There was something besides them, something non-human, tearing into the flesh of a body. Bathed in red, it’s claws were long and jagged and the thing devoured at the flesh in its hands before digging and ripping apart more from the body underneath it.

Thor heard Clint gag in repulsion.

But that was the thing. The souls here didn’t exactly stay dead. They came back, lively and angrier than before and launched themselves at any other being. It was a constant war zone and one that would never be won.

When they finally arrived before a dark and foreboding castle, they stopped to soothe down their nerves and process what they had experienced. Meanwhile, they watched as Fenrir submerged himself in the large river that lay vertical, slicing off the path they were to take. A few seconds came and went and they neared the edge.

The river was vicious and the currents looked strong. A panic came over him for what if Fenrir hadn’t intended to go into the river? His large body should have been able to overcome it, but why hadn’t he come out?

“Fenrir?” Thor called out in a panic, but there was no answer. He put a hand over Clint’s chest to stop him from getting closer and potentially slipping into the river as well, but Tony was a few feet away and peering dangerously close into the murky water.

“Tony.” He said loud enough that Tony could hear him over the rushing water. “Don’t get too close.” While he was sure that his suit could protect him well enough, he wasn’t about to take that chance.

“I’ll be fine, but Fenrir is still-.” There was a ripple and then a figure broke through the surface. “Shit!” Tony jumped back startled and both Clint and he had moved quickly to grab him before he could potentially fall into the water below.

He breathed out slowly in exasperation only to sigh in relief as he watched the figure on the other end of the river crawl out. He was covered in a black inky substance that clung unnaturally to his body and he took in mouthfulls of air. Gingerly, he sat down on the cool ground. The ink retracted from his nude body in a way that liquid shouldn’t do and seeped back into the river. In it’s wake, pale skin appeared. Fenrir looked a lot more refined as he grew from out of a boyish body and slowly into that of a man, but his hair made him pause.

Gone was the wavy mess of black hair that he preferred as a child. It used to reach his shoulders and Thor remembered that while Fenrir had taken care of it and understood what growing his hair out meant, he hadn’t really cared for it at all. Thor had just expected him to grow it out, not this.

It was longer than say Tony’s, but his hair was shorter than Thor’s on the top of his head and the bottom half of his head had been shaved very short. It wasn’t to say that it looked bad- it was just that there was no way that Fenrir didn’t understand what that meant in their culture. The short hair could only mean servitude, but to shave his hair meant he was in mourning.

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to ask for whom he was mourning.

A corpse brought him a towel of sorts that he wrapped around himself. He stood up and tugged the fabric closer to himself and finally glanced up at them.

Brown eyes stared them down and Thor analyzed his strong jaw, sharp nose, and prominent cheek bones poking past the little baby fat on his cheeks. He had taken more from Angrboda than Loki apart from the dark hair and pale skin. But that had been it.

It was Sliepner and Hela who bore a remarkable resemblance to Loki.

“Why’d you let us through?” Tony asked when the silence had drawn on for far too long.

The boy observed him for a brief second before staring at Thor. His gaze felt heavy. He grunted as an answer and he raised his wrist and on his arm rested a bracelet with a purple pearl. “Honoring my father.” It was such a Fenrir answer to give. Both blunt and as good as any other explanation. Then Fenrir gave a polite smile that looked stilted and a respectful bow. “Welcome to Hel.”

He straightened up, but his smile fell into a thin line. He waved a hand to the hall behind him. “Apologies for my indecency.”

In the midst of the river, something began to rise and a bridge cleared up for them to pass through. Fenrir waited patiently at the other end. “We mustn’t keep the Queen waiting. Someone will lead you to the throne room. I must dress.”

Thor’s lips pressed together tightly. “Does Hela know we’re here?”

“Yes.” He said bluntly. Then his lips pulled down as he opened his mouth and then closed it a few times. “She sensed you all the moment you passed through Heaven’s End.” He admitted. “She didn’t want you here. We weren’t aware you were here… as well.”

Thor frowned and nodded.

With another polite nod, Fenrir disappeared and the corpse motioned for them to follow. He was full of maggots and had eyes glowing with fire, but his mouth was missing. It was an eery sight.

It was strange and off-putting and he wasn’t sure what he expected from Fenrir, but it wasn’t this. The cold distance, the strange politeness- it was like Fenrir had no real feelings in regards to Thor’s presence. He was just… there. It wasn’t like he was blank, he was acting normal and functioning well, it was just a little robotic in a sense.

He didn’t know if this was new or if Fenrir had always been like this. After all, he could count the number of times he had seen the triplets on one hand and even then, it was Jör who had demanded most of his attention. Too energetic, too adventurous, and so charismatic and honest. He had always been so headstrong and loud. He remembered how much Jör had followed him around.

“You’re his hero.” Angrboda had said once, his smile bright and sweet. He wiped down Fenrir’s messy face with a towel.

Loki had only hummed in agreement as he held Hela tighter in his arms as her breaths came been harsh and quick. She had always been the closest to Loki.

Hela was adorably shy and so terribly anxious. While she hid away and barely drew attention to herself. She had loved spending time with him in silence; braiding each other’s hair, hearing his stories of adventures, and watching Thor roughhouse with Jör, but she had preferred to be by Loki’s side. Partially because she loved being with Loki, but also because her health problems made it difficult for her to even run without having some sort of trouble.

Oh Hela had always been so frail. And maybe it was because Loki was an Aesir- or so they had believed at time- and Angrboda was Midgardian that had caused Hela to be born with a malformed heart. There was a hole in the walls between the upper chambers of her heart and as a result of that, her lungs worked harder to make up for the blood that filled them.

Not only that, but she had been so insecure about her appearance and she had so many worries that a child her age shouldn’t have to experience.

But despite her withdrawn personality and quite nature, her brothers had followed her without fault. She was their queen and they were her knights.

Only it was Fenrir who had been so loyal to her to a fault, never straying from her side and there at every moment of the day. He would have done everything for her. He was always so subservient to her.

Still, Thor didn’t say anything and Fenrir wasn’t offering up any nice questions or asking about the family or anything that felt remotely personal. It really felt a little off-putting. He sure felt it, Clint did too, and he knew that Tony was feeling misplaced as well.

And now that he thinks about it, Fenrir had always been like this. Very respectful, kind, patient, but he had a backbone and he chose rationality over emotions. His answers were short and clipped, he preffered grunts and snorts over actual words and while it may have come off as cold or distant, that was just how Fenrir was. It wasn’t like he didn’t have emotions either, no, he knew Fenrir had explosive episodes where he shouted and cried and everything in between, but afterwards he was fine and no one really knew why he was like that.

Loki had tried to talk to him on many occasions, but Fenrir didn’t know how to describe what he was feeling and often got frustrated especially when Loki tried to fill in the blanks for him. For example, if Fenrir had been crying, Loki would say he was sad, or if he was shouting, Loki would say he was angry and Fenrir absolutely hated it.

It seemed as though Angrboda was the only one that understood him. He never pushed or forced Fenrir to change and that acceptance was why Fenrir absolutely adored him.

Thor had just hoped that Fenrir would have grown out of it by now, but now that he knew that Fenrir wasn’t intentionally being distant he knew Fenrir’s politeness and welcome was genuine. Although admittedly not as heartfelt as he would have wanted.

When the doors opened to the kingdom, the interior looked just as grim as the rest of the place. It looked abandoned and dirty, run down with time and devoid of any life. There was a throne sitting at the top of the stairs, but it was not facing them. In fact, it was facing away. Frankly, that was weird on its own, but he supposed that was just things worked here.

And just as how Fenrir had promised, he was standing before them fully dressed in clothing that looked awfully similar to that of Vanaheim and waiting patiently. As soon as they were all together, they crossed the hall to where the stairways ended.

Fenrir kneeled before the throne, right hand splayed over his heart and the other curled into a fist on the square of his back. His hair tumbled gracefully over his eyes and it was looking at his side profile at this moment that he bore some similarities to Loki, albeit a little more subtle.

“My queen,” Fenrir began, smooth and proper, and Thor could see the irony now and couldn’t help the smile on his face. “I bring you Clint Barton and Tony Stark of Midgard.” There was a little bit of a pause like he hesitated. “And Thor Odinson, Prince of Asgard.”

Used to this by now, Tony bowed low and Thor only had to motion for Clint to do the same. Niece or not, she was a queen and all royalty had to be respected.

There was a clack and then a scrape of metal against metal. It was a jarring sound that had goosebumps trailing up Thor’s arms and the hair on the back of his neck shooting up.

From the corner of his eye, he watched Tony peer up, clearly growing tired with his position even when Thor was motioning for him to keep his head down. But Tony clearly didn’t care to and curiousity got the better of him and Thor too looked up. A hand gripped the side of the thick black armrest. A sleek and violent design decorated the throne. The hand itself wore a claw-like glove with intricate designs and a dark jewel in the center.

And when she walked out, it was still a tremendous shock. It was one thing to hear that Hela- the once shy and quiet girl he remembered- ruled over the dead with an iron fist and with a dangerous power that could be felt from miles away and it was another thing to actually witness it.

Confident, catlike, and proud.

And Norns, if he thought she had looked like Loki as a child, she looked even more so like him. Green vibrant eyes- well eye-, sharp nose, but a soothing face that Loki didn’t have. Despite her that, she still looked like him. Well, from one side she did. Her right hand was the only hand encased in metal and the same went for the right side of her face. A half mask, dipped in gold and simple. Perfectly even.

He lens exactly why she wore it and saw it now in a completely new light. It was to cover the marks on her face- Jötun marks and the same Jötun marks that Helblindi possessed and marks he was sure that Loki possessed. Not only that, but the mask hides her discolored eye. Her iris is shared between two colors. Green with what looked like a drop of blood stained in the midst of it it, bleeding onto her sclera.

Truthfully, he thought she looked beautiful and her eyes were mesmerizing, but she had always hated it. The green eye and then the other one that looked more red than green. Jötun eye.

He focused on her clothing and instead of the gold that covered her insecurities. A tight black body suit with golden abstract lines running down it and a golden cape the cascaded down her shoulders and onto the floor around her. Ethereal and intimidating all the same. All that power and fear inducing held by someone who still hasn’t reached their adulthood.

On her wrist, a bracelet with a pale blue pearl. He forgot what the color meant.

And her hair- oh her hair. It was a similar style to Fenrir’s. Shaved on the bottom half and long hair on the top that had been braided out of her face. It was a masculine hairstyle and one that was common on Jötunheim and definitely an act of defiance. An act of separation- distancing herself from Asgard.

Asgard would gasp at the sight of her, but Thor only grinned with pride at the sight of her. She truly was a sight to behold.

Her eyes were sharp to notice the bracelet on Thor’s wrist.

“Welcome.” Her voice was strong and demanded attention despite sounding unfairly young. “I hope you found your journey pleasant?”

Tony snorted and spoke under his breath. “Wouldn’t have said that.”

“It has been eventful.” Thor said. “It is good to see you, Hela.”

“It is Queen mind you.” She said tersely, her eyes narrowed. “You are no family of mine and you will refrain from speaking as such, do you understand, Odinson?”

Thor opened his mouth and then closed it, shocked at what Hela had just uttered.

“I-…” Thor argued. “Your father is my brother-.”

“No.” She interrupted. “My father is of no blood to you and your family has made it very clear.” She stalked down the stairs slowly, almost like she was prowling. “I assume you are here to find him?”

“Yes.” Tony said. “Please, just tell us he’s here.” His voice was breathy, but Thor was still reeling from what Hela had said. “We’ve been looking for him all this time-.”

“Oh I’ve heard. You see… There are spirits everywhere. In every nook and cranny in every world and they all report to me.” She hissed. Her glare was trained solely on Thor. “I’ve heard about your journey to clear my father’s name, your unsuccessful attempt at locating him on Asgard, then Jötunheim, and even going as far as to using that-…” She waved her hand to the side like even just saying the name was lesser than her, “Witch, to find him. And that led you,” She stopped a few feet away from them, but she was still on the stairs looking down on them. “To me.”

“Hela, this is our Uncle.” Fenrir spoke and it was heartening to hear that Fenrir still referred to him as such, but one look was all it took to silence him and Fenrir looked down with a carefully blank expression.

She turned back to them and pointed a clawed finger at both Tony and Clint. “And I don’t even care to know who you are. Insignificant and pathetic lot. All of you should not be here.”

Clint winced. “Ouch.”

Tony shook his head and Thor just hoped that he wouldn’t disrespect her, but he had a feeling that the chance was slim to none. “Listen, Hela.”

“Oh boy-.” Clint muttered under his breath.

“I get that we weren’t all that lucky with finding Loki, but we just really want the best for him. We wouldn’t have gone through literal Hell just for nothing.”

She sneered. “So you all think you could prance in here and ask for my father and I would just let you take him back? To where? To Asgard? To the place that detested him- to where the Allfather is going to hurt him even more? And for what reason? Simply because my father had Jötun blood coursing through his veins? Through mine?!”

She tore off her mask to reveal organized mess of marks and lines and saw that the red had completely overtaken her hidden eye. There was no green to be seen and there were splotches of faint blue overtaking the side of her face.

Thor flinched, but not at the sight of her, but at the distaste that filled her expression towards herself and to him.

Ah, she didn’t want to reason with them, didn’t actually bring them here to have a family reunion. She wanted Thor here to draw blood.

“I have a few words to say to you, Thor.” She spat only confirming his thoughts.

The clear emphasis on his name distanced him further away from her. He was not her uncle and she would never see him as family. That was final and by Freya’s sake, it hurt to hear. “Let us all briefly turn a blind eye to all that my father has wrought because my father is no innocent man and he has done some horrible shit that to deny it, I will not.”

Fenrir opened his mouth, angry and ready to defend his father. “Uncle Thor had no hand in that. Our grandfather is to blame,-” However, just as he began, he was quickly cut off by a murderous glare from his sister.

“Fenrir I promise you that if you open your mouth one more time, I will not hesitate to stitch it up!”

The sharp remark was directed to Thor as much as it had been directed to Fenrir. Thor understood why she was angry and his face scrunched up even more. It made Thor wonder just how much had Loki’s children knew and how much they blamed it on him.

“And if I ever see the old bastard, I promise I will not be as sweet as I am now, but by contributing and not bothering to fight against that, Thor is just as to blame.”

Fenrir bit his lip, but his frown was obvious.

Hela turned to Thor once more just as a silence had fallen over the room. “I do not think that you understand the gravity of what you and everyone else put my father through.”

He did not open his mouth to argue or to deny what she would accuse him of for he had no right to defend himself. He had been a bystander and let so many horrid things happen to Loki. If he had said something he could have maybe changed things, but he didn’t and that had been just as horrible as contributing to it.

“Yes. It does not exclude what my father has done, but it does explain it if you would simply bring your thoughts to it. The Allfather,” Hela bit out his name through gritted teeth, “Odin, kept my father’s true heritage from him his entire life! He had married and had many children, many of us who are well into their adulthood! He created a whole life for himself and he still didn’t know.”

She motioned to herself and Fenrir who refused to look at any of them.

“And all that time, he was raised to believe that Jotuns were absolute scum underneath your boot. And Odin knew he was one of them! And yet what did he do? Nothing. He let my father believe that they were these horrendous, worthless, and evil monsters that deserved to be killed off and forgotten.”

Thor audibly swallowed. He looked down, but Hela gripped his jaw harshly and twisted his face to look at him. While Thor felt the others behind him bristle at the movement, he knew they would do nothing and he motioned at them to remain calm. This was something between Thor and Hela. Something that had to come and had to happen.

“My father was raised- no, told- that he would be king. There was no maybe he would be king, but that he would be king. But not of Asgard, no, of course not. He would be king of Jotunheim- and Odin knew my father would rule it with Asgard’s beliefs because my father was nothing more than an advantage.”

She wore this expression of pain, like it tore at her to say it.

“What did he think was going to happen, Thor?” She asked him.

He had no answer to that, could not even speak on Odin’s behalf because he was not Odin. He didn’t know why he did what he did and he would forever feel that guilt that he had inadvertently been a part of that hatred.

“That he wasn’t going to hate himself? That he wasn’t going to look in the mirror and see everything everyone hates about him?” She hissed. “How could you expect that he would look at himself the same way or even look at me- I who share their blood marks, their eyes, their power.”

Thor was silent. It was painfully obvious that he was stunned into submission and had no words to respond to her.

“He believed all these things and they were so strongly implemented in his mind over thousands of years that he went as far as to try to destroy his entire race! And it didn’t mean anything in the end! It meant nothing to you and much less to Odin! So he was punished for doing what you tried to do first and for something he was taught to believe was right.”

And Thor couldn’t help the tears that escaped him at that point and was glad that Hela had let him go to wipe them away. And she was right. Odin had done so much damage to Loki that Thor himself hadn’t completely understood the gravity of it all. And it pained him to know that everything he had said or done had hurt Loki.

“My father was still rejected. He was and could only be a failure apparently. And Odin, who could’ve been the only one to help him- who could bring him the help he needed decided to shun him.”

She stared at Thor for a few solid seconds. Her words hung in the air and he could feel her scorn bore into him and he wasn’t sure if she found what she was looking for. He could only hope that she understood that he had never intended for Loki to have suffered all that he had. After a few more moments of utter tense silence, Hela shook her head and legitimately looked confused. Her brow furrowed together and her expression was pleading.

“So when my father covered up all this hatred and worthlessness he was feeling with anger and desperate behavior, did you all turn against him? Behavior that might I add, you had before. You and Odin had told him that Jotuns were inferior and vile creatures and thus, you both have told him indirectly, that he is this vile and inferior creature too. So pray tell, Thor.” She shook her head. “Why didn’t Odin tell him from the beginning if your father truly loved him?”

Thor just shook his head, sniffling and wiping away at his eyes. But he knew that it hadn’t been to protect Loki, it had been to protect himself from the eventual pain that this secret would bring. “I’m sorry.” He whispered and it was for everything he had inadvertently done to Loki and also done to Hela as a result. Surely her self hatred, must have been very much there. She too had been raised with such hatred and distaste for her own people, but even though she seemed much more accepting of Jötuns, it was still no excuse.

So he apologized for his own part and for Odin since he knew Odin would never apologize for his actions.

Hela scoffed. She turned to the rest of them. “You have come for what you cannot seek. You have no business here.”

Her eyes met Tony’s and Thor saw some hidden conversation between them.

“Just let us see him.” Tony begged. “Please.”

Her eye twitched. She looked down at her wrist and rubbed the pearl of her bracelet. “You have come very far. But it is for naught.” She looked away from them.

Clint spoke up with a desperate tone in his voice. “I knew your father!” At her pause, he continued. “I knew how much pain he was in even if he didn’t really tell me. I just wanna know he’s alright.”

Thor cleared his throat, but his voice was horse. “Allow me to apologize to him directly. I love my brother and if he does not wish to return to Asgard, then I will not force him. I simply want to see him well.”

Hela let out a dry laugh. “So eager to talk to him after all you’ve ever done is send him away. Only want my father when he is of use to you.”

Tony motioned at all of them. “We’re here aren’t we? We want Loki, just as he is. If he can’t help in his magic of help with his intelligence and knack for successful plans, then just knowing that he’s alright will be enough for us.”

Thor looked at him in confusion. Admittedly he didn’t want to bring him back to Asgard, but he wanted somewhere Loki could thrive and he can’t imagine Hel was a good place. His children were here, but he knew Loki wouldn’t be happy trapped here without Jör or Sleipnir.-

Hela pressed her lips together and her eyes turned glossy. It was the angry type of sadness. “Then where were you when he needed you?” She hissed. “When he dragged himself across Jotunheim, bloody and wounded, where were you all?!” She screamed. She took something out from her pocket and threw it down the stairs. It bounced and slid across the floor.

It was Angrboda’s bracelet and Thor knew that Loki would never have taken it off in his life unless-.

“My father is dead!”

A pin could be heard in the silence that ensued.

Thor felt his mind go numb. Did he hear that right? No he couldn’t have. His heart fell into his stomach and he could feel skin grow deadly cold. Water rushed through his ears, but he could still hear Hela’s voice cut through the array of sounds.

“My father died alone in the cold snow surrounded by his failures and everything he was taught to hate.” She was openly crying now, but she remained scarily composed. “He died believing that he wouldn’t go to Valhalla, that he would never see my grandmother again. He died believing that you despised him Thor.”

She motioned at the bracelet. “That was on his arm- the only thing I was able to retrieve from Jötunheim in the mess of blood and ash that indented the snow where he had been last.”

No. Shut up.

Thor put his hands up to his ears- why were they shaking so much? He couldn’t breathe- oh god- why couldn’t he breathe. His fingers felt so cold.

Loki couldn’t be dead. He pushed all rational thoughts out from his head. He couldn’t be dead!

Tony had met his eyes and then turned to Clint. His shaky hands out. “I don’t- I think I’m freaking out-.” He gasped, but Thor was unable to even move or think about why Tony would be reacting the way that he was.

Clint wasted no time in reaching out for him and grabbing his hands in his.

“Breathe Tony-“

“What the fuck do you think I’m trying to do?!”

“What’s happening to him?” Fenrir asked.

Tony just slouched into himself and Clint didn’t hesitate to hug him tightly.

Despite that, he couldn’t bring himself to think about either of them, too consumed in his own pain and grief. Thor bent over himself and fell to his knees to grab the bracelet. His vision was heavy with tears. Loki would have never taken it off. And Thor couldn’t help the sob that ripped out of him as he stared at the evidence with his own blurry eyes. Oh Loki, oh no, no, no. His baby brother, it couldn’t be true. He gripped his hair in his hands and shook his head frantically. His chest ached horribly and it felt like he was dying painfully and slowly inside.

Hela didn’t stop at just that. With her back turned and fists clenched, her voice was hoarse and her shoulders trembled. She didn’t turn around to see the effect of her words. It was as if she didn’t want to see how Thor would be taking the news.

“I couldn’t even say goodbye to him. Did you know that? All these years, and I couldn’t even say goodbye…” Hela took in a shuddering breath. “Do you know how much I wanted to tell him something? How many times I was scared and I wanted to reach out to him only to know that he wasn’t there? You know how much I wanted to hug him one last time and tell him how much I loved him?”

She asked, but there was no answer.

“My father is gone… and I couldn’t even tell him how much he meant for me. He was taken away from me- from all of us and I haven’t seen him for centuries. I thought that one day, we’d all be able to be together like before. With my little brother Jor and my father and Sliepner-.” She broke off. With a shake of her head, she waved a hand at them. “I knew it would be too much to ask for.” She glanced at Fenrir. “Get them out of my sight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t worry guys, I haven’t stopped writing, I’ve got more chapters already written, but I’ve hit a wall on ch 28 and I took some time to really figure out where I wanted to take this story. Thanks so much for your comments and I look forward to finally uploading the next chapter (and one we’ve all been waiting for) next week!
> 
> -Also I hate that when I copy my work onto here it doesn’t save the italicized words oh well, enjoy!
> 
> -Alsooo the whole scene with Hela was inspired by that post on tumblr made by ‘virgothepoet’


	24. A New Crown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry if you all get notifications that I update often, I just go back and edit a lot whenever I see something I don’t like.

Truthfully, it was all a blur after that whole ordeal. He was resolutely in denial. He didn’t believe that Loki was dead. Absolutely not. He had seen him so _alive_ , so vivid every single night for the past few months. He had hoped and dreamed and thought about finally getting to see Loki, flesh and bones, and be the first one to extend the hand and say _I know what you’ve been through and I won’t ever turn my back on you._

He had seen Loki with stifled grins, had heard him laugh and mourn for memories long gone, he had been there to experience and witness the beauty of finding someone who understood him. Who didn’t expect anything from him or hold him on a pedestal. He had had found someone who was just as broken as him. Perhaps even more so.

To believe that all of that had been… no he couldn’t believe it. All those memories had been so alive and vivid, how could he have been dead the entire time?

He had argued with Thor and Thor was stubborn because he accepted it just like that. He gave up no fight, no argument, but then Clint had grabbed Tony’s shoulders and with his eyes glassy and sad told him that they were done. The goddess of death, Loki’s own daughter had said so.

And then Tony looked at Thor, and really looked and he could see the utter distraught in his eyes. Thor had been through this before, he had already lost his mom, had lost his nephews, had lost so much, and Tony was just rubbing the pain in more and more. Thor just looked so so tired with his tears streaming down his face and without wiping them away. He was just gone and he didn’t want anyone comforting him or holding him, he just looked straight ahead with a clenched jaw.

It was an eery sort of mourning, one that made him perfectly calm and emotionless and silent. And maybe it was because that was how Thor had been raised, but that stifling was unhealthy, but Tony was in no shape to really help him. So Tony has just bit his lip and covered his eyes with his hand to try and stop the tears from falling.

Clint just stared at him with a sorry look and wrapped an arm around his shaking shoulders in comfort.

The truth is the fact that Loki was gone. And that was terrifying. He knew that Thor knew it; could see the fear behind his eyes, the occasional clench of his jaw as Loki’s name was brought up or the shaking of his hands whenever something reminded him of Loki. And god, he was terrified too.

When they made it outside the gate by themselves, the bifrost opened and took them to Asgard. Odin was there looking awfully desperate. A father waiting for some good news. And Tony disliked the man, but this felt raw and painful to watch. Odin’s hand shook and he looked like he would drop at any moment. It must have taken so much out of him to bring them here and he was grateful, but at the same time he wished that maybe they could have postponed this moment. And his face although expectant and hopeful, quickly fell at the sight of them.

At no Loki.

Thor just shook his head, eyes still wet and mouth pressed together and Odin stared back.

“Oh.” He said, voice small and almost shaky. “Oh Loki, oh my boy.” And Odin’s face scrunched up and his hand came up to cover his face.

And Tony thought that he wanted Odin to feel remorseful, to hurt over everything that he had done to Loki because he was still absolutely fuming over everything Hela had said, but this felt like shit. He didn’t feel any satisfaction, he didn’t feel good watching him fail to compose himself. He felt just as broken as he watched a strong man mourn over his son’s death, no matter how much he had wronged him.

He wanted Odin to hurt. But not like this. Loki didn’t have to be dead for Odin to have remorse now.

And Thor didn’t reach out to comfort him, didn’t take that step to hug his father, no. Thor just stood there, eyes red and nose running, watching Odin with cold anger.

When they finally returned home, it was to a decorated room with balloons and cake and smiling faces. Bruce and Steve were talking and Pepper was laughing at something Rhodey said at the couch. And then there was Nat who stood at the balcony waiting for them with arms crossed and an expectant face.

“Pepper wanted a sweet welcome. For Loki. It was the least we could do. But Steve and Bruce translated that into a small party.” She said, motioning to the others. Her eyes caught Thor’s and then her soft face changed into an apologetic expression. “I guess too soon huh?”

“Oh Nat.” Clint murmured.

Thor looked around, looking both horrified and touched. And just like that, he broke out into tears, again muffling himself by bitting into his hand and trying to make himself as small as possible.

The room quickly turned quiet and then when Nat quickly walked up and wrapped her arms around Thor and whispered into his hair did the others really start to process the fact that Loki was not there.

Pepper stood up and with an alarmed expression and Tony just whispered, “He’s dead.”

It felt too overwhelming and too final for Tony to watch the other’s come up to Thor in support and try to comfort him. And despite seeing Pepper try to talk to him because she understood what he was feeling and knew that he felt just as torn over this, he didn’t want it. He didn’t want her company. He didn’t want any of it.

He just slipped into the elevator and into him room.

“I’m sorry for your loss.” Friday said into the silence and Tony just nodded because of course Friday knew.

He closed the blinds, turned off the lights and crawled into his bed. And in the silence for the next few hours, he thought about everything. He isolated himself, denied it- they were all too accepting, too quick to pronounce him dead- and he fumed and fumed and his room became a mess as he destroyed his furniture and scorched the walls and tore his bed apart. And then he fell asleep amidst the destruction as he burned himself out. Loki wasn’t dead. He wasn’t. He couldn’t be.

___________

Loki wasn’t really sure what he did when he awoke outside of his sanctuary. It had started to become a blur. A blur of pain, anxiety, screaming and pain pain pain.

Here in the sanctuary, he was safe. Outside, he was mad.

His mind was protected to the point where he sort of knew that he was going insane, but wasn’t exactly sure what was going on outside. It was during those weird surreal moments that Tony arrived here and Loki was absolutely thrilled to see him.

And while Loki laid on the soft grass and stared at the sunset, happy to bathe in its glow and happy to breathe in the smell of trees and running water, Tony sat down next to him. His eyes were puffy, nose red, and jaw clenched. He ripped at the grass underneath him and glared at the spot next to Loki’s head.

Loki didn’t say anything, he was just happy to be in his presence, but he knew that he should be feeling some sort of concern. After all, this wasn’t normal. Tony wasn’t acting fine.

And then Tony spoke and Loki didn’t really understand.

“You told me you were in Hel.”

Had he? He didn’t remember.

“I met Hela. And Fenrir and Sliepner.” Tony tripped over the pronounciation of his oldest’s name. Still, it was nice to think about them and Loki trailed off into nostalgic memories.

“They found your bracelet and they told me you were dead.” His voice cracked.

“Am I?” Loki asked aloud. It would make sense. Maybe he _was_ dead. That would explain where he was. A void with no end in sight, his own torment, never ending. Maybe he hadn’t escaped. Perhaps he had truly died there and all this time, he was truly in Hel.

His thoughts weren’t rational, he knew that, but he couldn’t really decipher what was real and what wasn’t.

“Why are you here?” Tony asked. He wasn’t crying, but he might as well have been. “Have I really gone insane? Just… talk to me. Please.” He begged. “Just say anything!”

But what could he say? His lips were closed and he could only watch in despair as he lost control of everything here as well. This was a happy place. Tony wasn’t supposed to be angry at him. He wasn’t supposed to be mourning for him.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were dead?! Why did you tell me you were in Hel when you weren’t? Or at least... not there alive- oh god we’re you one of the souls I passed? Were you among them?”

What in the nine realms was he going on about? Hel? He wasn’t in Hel, but this place wasn’t Valhalla. It was too grim to be that. Although he knew in the back of his mind that he was alive, that he was still suffering and tediously withering away, his mental state was not in any good place. He’s allowed it to slip away so far that he’s not certain that he _isn’t_ dead.

Loki sat up and stared at Tony and Tony stared back just as expectantly.

“Are you even listening to me?” His voice cracked at the last word.”

And Loki ignored it because his mind was whirling with thoughts.

But if he was going off what Tony was accusing him- of being dead then that must mean that he had been in Hel this whole time. But that wasn’t right, he had proof and memories that he wasn’t dead. He remembered then that he had touched the boy of Vanaheim and he had touched the Outrider. No he couldn’t be dead. There was no way he was dead. That had been all too vivid, this was all too strange.

And then it was without thinking- or maybe he was thinking far too much, his brain was moving too fast for him to comprehend, or perhaps it was because he had deteriorated far too much from his own madness- that Loki finally crossed the distance and grabbed onto the warmth of Tony’s wrist.

It didn’t phase through.

For the first time in so long, he was feeling someone else, experiencing a body heat that wasn’t his own, feeling the rapid pulse of Tony’s heart through his wrist.

And Tony had let out an audible gasp and Loki looked up at him, eyes wide, breath short, and realization seeping into him.

Tony’s own eyes were disbelieving, his jaw slack, and he was trembling. It was like he had seen a ghost and Loki couldn’t even begin to decipher why his expression was like that. He seemed more stunned than upset at his touch. Slowly, Loki tightened his hand around Tony’s wrist to make sure that this was real, that he hadn’t completely lost it and that he was in fact touching someone else.

It was the final piece to his confirmations. He wasn’t going crazy. He wasn’t imagining a whole array of scenarios nor was he imagining this version of Loki. He was real. He was skin and bones and breathing and within his reach.

Tony turned his gaze to the hand on him and then met Loki’s eyes. There was so much emotion in there. Relief, shock, disbelief, and so forth. He looked as though he was going over everything in his head. His mouth hung open and his breathing was short. Loki didn’t blame him for the reaction. His own mind was full of thoughts, rampant and wild.

“I knew you were real.” Tony whispered.

And then Loki could feel his breath come out shakily and his eyes watered. He had cried so much already that he was surprised that he still had tears to shed, but he didn’t care if he broke down infront of Tony- who was real this whole time- because he was absolutely relieved. He hadn’t been alone. He hadn’t completely lost it. He had gotten through this with Tony by his side.

Tony finally moved forward, flinging his arms around him catching him off gaurd for a brief second before he reciprocated and hugged back just as tightly.

“I’m here, Lokes.” He whispered breathily.

Loki let himself cry into the shoulder his was offered. He didn’t scream, he didn’t sob loudly, he just relaxed and let the tears roll down his face and breathed in his smell, ran his hands over his shoulders and memorized the feeling.

The soft fabric of his shirt, the subtle shifts of muscles in his back as Tony moved, the warmth of his skin, the smell of whatever cologne Tony was fond of, he loved all of it. They shifted onto the ground with Loki pressing his ear against his arc reactor and listening to it and the faint heartbeat just behind it. He found comfort in it and in the rise of his chest as he breathed. Hands ran through his hair, slowly and periodically and something wet dropped onto his forehead occasionally and he didn’t have to listen to Tony sniffling to know that he was feeling just as emotional as he was.

Honestly, it was overwhelming. Loki wasn’t used to this sort of touch, had felt so alienated from it from so long and it felt hard to breathe. He felt trapped. He was panicking, but he had spent so long dreaming of this that he forced himself to remember that it was Tony touching him. It wasn’t the guard holding him down, it wasn’t his hands tearing off his clothes, it wasn’t the bruises on his hips or the shackles on his limbs as they tore into him. Tony wasn’t them. And despite his panic, he ignored it. Or at least tried to.

Loki couldn’t tell how much time they had spent silently clinging to each other, no space between them as they pressed together tightly, or just letting all their tears out.

Oh, Loki recognized this feeling very well. He’s done this before. He had been in this spot with Sigyn then Angrboda. So open to love and then eager to shut it out. He ran. He ran from Sigyn- he shut her out and he hurt her. She didn’t deserve it, but he was afraid. And then Angrboda has come and then he had run, but his own traitorous heart led him back again and again. Eventually, he couldn’t run away and he had been enraptured by him.

So young and naïve and new to everything.

And Loki understood what it was that he felt now, but he didn’t dare give a name. He had to let go. He had to get rid of this infatuation, but was it so bad to accept it? To accept this? Truthfully, Loki didn’t wish to let go. This was something so new entirely and it was a feeling that made him want to stay.

He was absolutely not prepared for this, but he could feel a storm coming coming and knew that this was something he had to face.

But he had so much he was hiding. So much pain and denial and anger. So many things that- now that he knew Tony was real- could send him running. There were so many things from his past that haunt him still and Loki understood full well that if he wanted Tony, he would have to risk everything. He would have to lay himself bare for Tony to see and decide if he was worth it.

Because Loki knew that he was absolutely not. He was unworthy- always had been and always will be.

But could he even do that? Lay himself bare for his judgement? And even if he could, would Tony still be there to pick up whatever's left?

Loki didn’t let go, instead he just tightened his grip and felt Tony squeeze back in reassurance. His heart ached at the notion and his jaw hurt from how hard he was clenching it. If this was all he could have, then it was worth it.

“I believed it you know?” Tony mumbled.

Loki just hummed as he closed his eyes and listened to the rumble of his voice.

“Your kids told me you were dead, and they had proof and I panicked. I was already such a mess and I don’t know… I just kinda accepted it.” Tony huffed in irritation. “And I know this is a stupid question, but… you’re alive right? I mean it would suck to have this and then you tell me that you’re dead.”

“I…” Loki thought to himself. He had almost fooled himself into thinking that he was dead, but now his mind felt so much clearer and so much more vivid. Still, his mind was a mess and a blur. “I’m alive.” And he was semi-confident in his answer. “I’m sure of it.”

Tony just turned quiet at that, but Loki could practically feel the cogs in his head turn. He didn’t push him for answer or a comment or anything at all. He was just content to let the realization set it just a little bit more. After all, they won’t be able to hold each other like this for much longer. It was just unseemingly. It was wrong.

“What happened when you were banished to Jötunheim?” Tony eventually asked.

Loki just thought back on it, but was surprised to find that it didn’t nearly hurt as much as he expected it to.

“I was injured and in pain and I knew that they would kill me. But I was still selfish.” Loki admitted. “When the Jötnar came to me and their queen touched me, Helblindi, she offered me a quick and painless death, for I could not remain there.” Loki snorted, and he couldn’t really bring himself to hate her. She was strong and in some way, Tony knew that he saw Hela in her.

“So you offered the Casket.”

“I offered the Casket.” Loki confirmed. “I thought that if I were to restore Jötunheim to it’s former glory using the Casket, they would spare me and I would get back at Odin and Asgard for banishing me there. They wanted Jötunheim in ruins and I turned right around and gave them the means to change that.”

Tony’s chest shook and Loki felt a smile overtake him.

“I like the pettiness.”

“Of course you do.” Loki mumbled into his shirt.

“And what next?” Tony prompted.

“Well they left me. Surely they thought I were to die and truthfully, I intended to just wither there. There was absolutely no way that I would spend my time there with people who claimed to be my family or with Helblindi talking about the woman who birthed me when my real mother was Frigga.” Loki shrugged. “I didn’t have any passages to get out of Jötunheim either and I was too weak to really go around to find one.”

Tony remained silent as he pondered.

“And eventually, the Chitauri came and I couldn’t let them catch me. So the journey was tedious and I managed to evade them for some time, but I was unfamiliar with Jötunheim and they cornered me. I lost a limb and with it, Angrboda’s bracelet.” He eyed his wrist and the false bracelet that was there. “And so I was trapped on their ship for… oh only Norns really know, but I escaped.”

Tony shifted until they were looking at each other. “Did they…” He swallowed and his eyes narrowed in thought. “Everything you told me. About where you were- what they were doing to you-.”

“Don’t make me answer that.” Loki begged. “You know they did, but don’t make me tell you what they did to me. I don’t want to tell you what they’ve taken from me. What they’ve done to own me.”

His dignity, his mind, his body. It was all still too fresh in his mind and far too painful. He had spent too much time ignoring what had happened to him and pretending that everything was fine. He didn’t want to think about all that just so soon.

“Okay. Okay.” Tony nodded and although his eyes watered, Loki could see the understanding and the familiarity of someone who knows what it’s like. And Tony did understand.

Loki pressed his head back against the cool metal hiding underneath. Tony perfectly understood. He had the proof on display here and Loki could admire his strength and found reassurance in the fact that Tony trusted him enough to allow him so close to him like this. It was intimate. It was safe.

And not once had he flinched when Loki brushed a finger over it or stared at it for long periods of time. Nor did Loki feel intimidated or analyzed and judged when Tony simply stared at him without saying anything. He didn’t even call him out on it when Tony reached out and tucked his hair back behind his ear.

His smile was wide and he looked like he had been waiting to do that for ever.

But eventually the touching became overwhelming far too quickly and the arms that had felt like safety turned constricting. Loki had to put distance away from each other. And he was frustrated with that because he wanted to hug Tony, wanted to savor that touch between them, but his mind turned far too dark and his breathing shortened with panic. His mind kept going back to all those times with the guard and he couldn’t brave it anymore.

He inched away, and immediately breathed easier. Still, he hated himself for being the reason that Tony’s face fell a bit in disappointment. Hesitating for just a second, but then remembering that they had been embracing just moments earlier, he grabbed Tony’s hand and without a word, Tony flipped his hand around and their fingers intertwined.

Okay, okay, this was... fine. Loki didn’t feel as trapped, but this was a different feeling entirely. His stomach twisted and his heart beat quicker.

“I need a drink.” Tony muttered to himself. “I don’t think you can get drunk in here though right?” He said.

And although Loki himself didn’t like it, he could see that Tony was looking worse for wear and he kept rubbing his head as though he had a headache. He needed something, maybe something to just buzz under his skin and that Loki could understand. He recognized it very well. Thor did it, Angrboda too on occasion, and Odin too when he thought he was alone from prying eyes and let himself sag under the pressure, but Loki pretended that he never saw those moments. It was all to easy to pretend that Odin wasn’t just a man under it all and easier to distance himself emotionally from him.

And so Loki, without a second thought, summoned a bottle of liquor that Thor had told him to hide in his pocket oh so long ago. And then Loki stared at the bottle in his hand in shock. That had been far too easy and well executed after all this time. He almost cried out of joy at that. Finally, something that he could do well.

And with a teary smile, he handed it to Tony and Tony smiled in gratitude. They let go from one another and drank slowly from the bottle. Loki felt it buzz underneath his skin and he felt warm in his belly. It was a feeling he hadn’t experienced in so long, the slight buzz of alcohol. He had missed it.

Tony on the other hand, was a mess and clearly tipsy. He had forgotten that Aflheim liquor was awfully strong on humans and after a few sips, had refused to give it back to Tony. Oh and they talked and talked underneath the stars and then just bathed in each other’s body heat. Only this time, Tony would reach out to brush his hair behind his ear and Loki could touch Tony’s neck and splay his fingers over his pulse just to feel it beat.

It was just reassuring himself and there was nothing too heated about it.

“Chilly.” Tony said and his skin erupted with goosebumps, but his cheeks were red and his eyes just a tad dark.

Loki nodded and sat up. Gathering a few bits of log and focusing on summoning a fire, he was relieved when it didn’t explode in his face. It was still bigger than what he had intended, but it calmed itself as the wood began to burn by itself. Not perfect, but better than what he expected.

Tony was still tipsy and laughed out loud at the wince on Loki’s face. He leaned back on his hands and watched Loki try to find a comfortable spot on the ground by Tony.

Even when the night had fallen over them, Tony’s eyes were bright and glimmered in the light of the fire. Normally, his eyes were a sweet warm brown, but now, they looked almost golden and it made Loki just admire how much fire Tony had within himself.

The smile he wore was wry and crooked to the side, but it was perfect. His eyes crinkled a bit and his cheeks were red in hue wether it be from the heat of the fire, the drink from before, or because of something else.

Painfully aware of himself, his legs brushed occasionally with Tony’s and as they leaned closer to one another and talked in low whispers despite the fact that they were alone, his mess of dark hair brushed against Loki’s burning cheeks. His heart stuttered each time, he could feel his mouth grow dry and voice go a bit croaky. His hands were clammy, but he remained still and stiff trying not to bring attention to how close they were to one another.

Tony laughed once more, a sound that Loki had never thought would sound beautiful on its own, and the man stood up. He extended a hand, strong fingers that looked calloused to touch, but warm and comforting all the same. His expression was inviting, smile soft, eyes half-lidded, and shoulders loose, he spoke low under his breath. “May I have this dance?”

Loki swallowed and glanced around. Nothing, but forest and fire casting shadows over the leaves and bushes. It was just them alone, but he felt his heart pounding loud and a nervousness in his stomach. “There’s no music.” He replied weakly.

“Then we’ll make it.” And he sounded so sure of that.

Unsure of what he meant by that or how they would make the music, Loki glanced up once more at his outstretched palm. It began to waver and Tony’s face began to look shy. Wiping his hands on his pants, he set the bottle he had held onto firmly from Tony to the side. When he reached out hesitantly, Tony’s smile grew wider and more surer and he reached out halfway.

Within seconds, he was on his feet, pulled dangerously close to Tony. Without mentioning it, they swayed from side to side to imaginary music. It should’ve been strange and awkward, but it wasn’t. It felt like this was exactly where he should be.

Their fingers intertwined and eventually, unknowingly, they were pressed against one another. A hand on the other’s shoulder and Loki’s arm around his waist, they were stuck in an embrace. He could feel the small puffs of air against his neck and the tightening of their clasped hands.

It felt… perfect. But Loki didn’t do perfect.

It took far too long to realize their position. Startled, he stepped back, but Tony held onto him firmly and he didn’t move too far. There was a gasp, but he didn’t know who did it. They glanced at one another and it was silent.

Loki couldn’t look away, even though he knew he had to, but his expression was so delightful. Tony’s brown eyes were dark and smoldering, his pupils blown wide, and chapped lips parted just so.

Did he wear the same look on his face? Was his own desire quite as obvious? It most likely was. His lips felt dry and as he licked his lips he found Tony’s eyes trace over the movement. His face burned and he swallowed thickly.

For a brief second, Angrboda’s face flashed into his mind and he felt his heart freeze and his lungs exhale. The flutter in his chest twisted into something dark.

“Wait, I don’t feel so good.” Tony moaned.

Loki snapped out of his trance and peered into his now pale face. “What-?” Suddenly and something that should’ve been expected, Tony turned to the side and bent over to puke. It was either good timing or the worst timing.

With his nose curling in disgust and feeling sorry for him, he reached out to pull back his wavy hair from his sweaty face and hesitated upon doing so. It was far too intimate was it not? But how much more intimate could they get? After all, they had been inches away from…

From what?

Shaking his head, he ran his fingers along the side of Tony’s face to pull everything away.

And with his hands tangled in the soft and tangled strands and listening to Tony rinse out his mouth with a flask he held near, he was torn. This was a man who trusted him and had no barriers when around him. He was treated like someone normal, like someone who was enough. Someone to be respected without bowing to their knees.

And when Tony turned to look at him over his shoulder without pity, a red blush dusting his cheeks and an embarrassed smile, he froze in his thoughts. Without a second to spare, he pulled him to his chest and pressed a firm kiss to his forehead. He knew he could never leave or forget about him because in this moment, he knew that any hope of not developing any sort of attachment had been burned up by the fire. Loki had fallen in love with him.

He played it off though. He looked down to Tony who had his face pressed happily to his shoulder and smiled as though nothing had changed. “You should get some rest.” He had whispered.

“Stay the night with me.”

Tonight and every night. I would sing to you the song of my people and kiss you to sleep every night. And every morning, I would love you as if it was my last, if you would let me. But he didn’t say any of that aloud and only held him tighter out of fear of letting go.

Tony grew heavier in his arms and he realized he had slid into sleep. He looked up to the sky and at the stars painting the darkness. “What am I to do?” He asked. The silence that answered him was not comforting nor was it a bad thing. Silently as well, he thanked them for this night.

___________

When Tony woke up, it was to a monstrous headache and he felt awfully disoriented. It didn’t take long to realize just what had happened the night before and then to wince at the damage he had done to his room. It also didn’t take too long to remember everything with Loki.

He was alive. He was sure of it.

To say that he had run down into Thor’s level was an understatement. He didn’t think he had ever sprinted so quickly to his room. As soon as the elevator doors opened, he could hear the clinking in the kitchen.

“Thor! Thor! Loki’s alive and I know how to find him.”

But when he walked into the kitchen, it wasn’t Thor. Instead it was Steve and Nat cooking breakfast, both looking tired and Clint and Bruce watching silently looking just as exhausted. No Thor anywhere.

“What?” Clint asked when Tony didn’t really follow up with anything else. “This again?”

“Where’s Thor?” Tony asked instead.

“Not here.” Bruce murmured into his cup. “He left.”

“Left where?” Tony asked in surprise. He had expected the big guy to just hide in his bed, not just leave.

“Tony.” Nat spoke sternly. “What did you just say when you walked in? What do you mean Loki’s alive and you know how to find him?”

Steve just frowned. “How do you even know?”

And Tony swallowed as he looked at everyone in the room who had their eyes set on him. All of them waiting and expecting an answer.

“I-… I just-.” Fuck, he expected Thor, but not this. He wasn’t ready to tell them- wasn’t even ready to tell Thor, but thought he would work it out as he went.

“You’ve been hiding something.” Clint pointed out. “And I thought there was something strange going on with you ever since Loki came back into our lives. Secrecy, all those hints like you knew what Loki had gone through, all those slip ups like you and him were friends.” Clint added.

Bruce slowly set his cup down. “You know where he is don’t you?”

“How do you even know how to find him?” Nat asked.

And Tony didn’t really have a good answer for any of that. He was cornered and he couldn’t just pretend anymore. And so, Fuck it. “That bitch that led us to Hel, well I have something that she can track, something powerful.” Tony didn’t feel comfortable showing off his arc reactor, but he did have Friday show a hologram of it and it flashed periodically with green like it was alive. “I’ve had Loki’s Seidr in me since the moment I touched that damn bracelet. It’s alive and that must mean he’s alive. We can find him like this. Through me.”

Tony winced at the end of his rant and shit- it sounded crazy and stilted and he could see their shocked expressions. No one said anything and he let go of his stretched out collar and shifted awkwardly as he waited for anything. Anything at all.

Clint just closed his eyes and then opened them with a slow sigh. “What the actual fuck? Is that what that energy pulse was?”

“Do you feel…” Natasha drew his eyes down to where his arc reactor would be. “Any different? Is that even safe?”

He nodded at Clint’s question and pondered on Nat’s for a bit. “I’m fine. No side affects. I just feel healthier I guess? I don’t know. There’s no book on what happens if your arc reactor mingles with someone else’s Seidr. But nothing important to worry about. It’s just there.” He lied effortlessly.

“And you’re sure he’s alive?” Bruce asked curiously.

Friday spoke up. “I have performed multiple examinations. The energy is a direct link to Prince Loki and is as alive now as it has been months ago. He is alive.”

Clint let out a sigh of relief and Nat rubbed his back comfortingly.

He looked at one of the sensors in the room with a grateful smile. God she was just the best. And okay, Tony hadn’t said everything, but they didn’t really need to know. It was Thor that had to know, but no one had said where Thor was.

“Guys? Where the fuck is Thor?”

And Steve sucked in a harsh breath and turned his gaze over at Natasha. The temperature in the room seemed to drop a few degrees.

“Guys?”

Nat let out a frustrated noise as well. “Thor went back to Asgard.” She crossed her arms. “There’s been an incident. The Allfather killed the same person you were hoping to track Loki down and Thor has to go back to face the political tensions up in Asgard. As king.”

There was a deafening buzz in his head.

“What?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It happened!! I was so excited for this chapter although I’m not too fond of the last few scenes if I’m being honest. Still, I’m so happy that things are finally moving in this story. Thank you so much for your comments, they are honestly my favorite part of writing these and I’m always so excited to see what you guys think!


	25. Hiraeth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t worry guys, I’m still here. Not planning on leaving this story, I just wanted to space the chapters between each other some more to lessen the pressure of writing every chapter in so little time. I’m glad I did because I didn’t notice how much things I write that doesn’t make sense. Love you guys, and I hope you all are doing well!

After some conversations about Loki and what Thor’s ascent to the throne meant for them, Tony forced everyone out. Well all save for Bruce who still had his own floor. Still, Tony waited anxiously, pacing back and forth and hoping that Thor would at least come back soon, but then an hour turned into two and then it turned into a day and then three days. There was no news of Thor.

On the bright side, he used all that pent up energy working. The body for Friday hadn’t been a priority, but was more than halfway done. It was robotic in design since he wasn’t quite sure if he wanted to make her a synthetic and realistic looking body. Besides, he hadn’t been the one to construct the body for Vision so it wasn’t his area of expertise.

Apart from that, he spent a lot of that time with Bruce just catching up. Admittedly, Tony pressed him for information about that weird case in Norway that Rhodey was still very much wrapped up in, but Bruce didn’t share a lot. It had left him stumped when those certain energy sources spiked. “It’s like a pathway that keeps moving, but it has no pattern and doesn’t stay in the same spot for too long.”

It was a strange answer that left him pondering for a bit. It felt almost familiar and he rambled to himself, trying to organize his train of thought.

“The path we took to Hel was hidden and made no sense. What if that’s what this is?” Tony drew on each half of a paper a dot with a dark marker. “What if those energy spike are pathways and that place that doesn’t exist isn’t even on earth but somewhere else? Look I know it doesn’t make sense,” He said in response to Bruce’s skepticism. “I have a theory. It bends. The pathway folds space itself so that instead of going through that whole distance, we get from one location,” he pointed at the dot on one side and then folded the paper so that the two dots were now against each other. “To the other.” He snapped his fingers. “Just like that. It’s not magic, it’s just physics.”

“But there’s no way that just a pocket of space would do that.” Bruce had argued. “It doesn’t work like that. The pressure and energy it would take to do that would be insane. It could dangerous.”

“And it is because people are dying.” Tony pointed out. “It absolutely is dangerous and spontaneous and the energy is just enough that we are able to notice it and pick it up from a distance. Of course it doesn’t explain why only certain people are dying, but what if something on the other end of that path is drawing those poor guys in and offing them without having them leave their homes in the first place?”

Bruce looked really confused, but he shrugged and rubbed his eyes. “Honestly, that sounds batshit crazy, but it’s a valid theory. It just isn’t exactly the one that I think Rhodey or the higher ups need.”

“Or want.” Tony agreed.

And that had been the end of that conversation.

Besides conversations with Bruce, he had taken the chance to talk to Pepper and assure her that everything was fine and that she had nothing to worry about. He explained what was going on, updated her about the situation with Loki, and told her that he planned to talk to Thor about it the moment he came back. Although, she looked relieved for Loki, she was still a bit iffy about the whole ordeal. Which was understandable. She mentioned that he should talk to Selene about it, but what he didn’t let Pepper know was that they had both agreed to stop meeting up for sessions.

“This is supposed to be a proffessional setting.” Selene had mentioned during their last and final meeting. “I cannot be biased and I failed you.” Her expression had been one of shame. “I continued to give you advice even when they might have not been in your favor and listened only for my own benefit. I will refer you to another therapist.” She had pulled out another card and writed down a number and given it to him.

“I’ll think about it.” He had offered. Truth was, he wasn’t sure if he wanted another therapist, to start over was so difficult really, but he knew he had been making progress and if he stopped now, he would probably revert back to his anxious and quick to anger self that he had been a month or so ago.

Still, the card sat unattended in his wallet.

Besides that, he spent every night with Loki. It felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and Loki definitely looked more relaxed as of late. Tony would be lying if he said he didn’t reach out to touch Loki often during their conversations. It was all just to reassure himself really, but also because he had spent so much time thinking he was untouchable that now it felt just right.

Loki’s hair was definitely as soft as he imagined and his skin was cool to the touch. His hands were nimble and definitely among the coldest parts of him, but Tony loved them all the same.

They talked for hours, shoulder to shoulder, hands intertwined without acknowledging it, and dorky grins on both their faces. God, Pepper was right, Tony was fucked.

He could go on for hours about Loki, but he preffered to be silent as he listened to Loki speak. When the conversation ended, Tony was quick to ask more questions just to keep hearing Loki’s voice.

At first they were nonchalant and inconsequential. His favorite stories, favorite seasons, and favorite foods which was anything sweet and so forth. Then he asked more probing questions. How’d he escape, where was he at the moment, and why didn’t he want Rindr dead- which was something that had been plaguing his mind for quite some time.

And Loki tried to answer all those questions. He explained how he escaped and even mentioned Sigyn’s sister Eos. It wasn’t what he expected, but was relieved that at least he had something good to tell Sigyn. His location, unfortunately, was something he wasn’t exactly sure of, only that he was surrounded by endless space in unfamiliar constellations and he was losing his mind with nothing else to do or look at. As for Rindr, well Loki tried to explain it as best he could.

His feelings towards her had been complicated back then as a child even though he now completely understood how horrid that whole ordeal really was. He had been desperate for any sort of affection that hers had seemed like something he had to keep close to him. He had even argued with Thor and his father after they had been discovered, but he was grateful that they hadn’t listened to him and had at the very least banished her.

“They had all been furious and more than willing to kill her, but please understand Tony,” Loki sounded reluctant to even try to explain himself. “My conceptions of a family were skewed- perhaps they are still now, but I wanted a family and I thought she would be that ideal mother to my children. I threatened them with the knowledge that they would be responsible for Vali growing up without a mother and promised to run away.”

“Lokes.” Tony rubbed his eyes.

“I wouldn’t have done it,” Loki assured him with a grimace, “But I have a silver tongue for a reason and neither my mother nor Odin were willing to take a risk. Not that they couldn’t have found me easily, but I was young and naïve and anything could have happened to me and my kids.” He waved it off nonchalantly. “Of course, I was too young to make decisions like having a mother for my children and if I was still serious about wanting Vali to grow up with a mother, I would have to wait for centuries to come.”

Which Tony could fill in the blanks. It had resulted in his marriage with Sigyn.

“Looking back on it,” Loki played with the skin between his thumb and forefinger. “There was no need to marry Sigyn, Vali, although labeled a bastard, would still be raised as royalty even without a mother. There was also Sliepner who would have been raised by Vali’s side if I hadn’t been afraid of revealing another reason for the people to hate him.”

“So what did that mean for you then?” Tony asked.

Loki laughed bitterly. “Oh don’t worry. It didn’t mean that Odin would have let me have his way and he let me understand just how difficult it was to raise a child in secret without potential witnesses like nannies and such. It seemed almost ironic now.”

Honestly, Tony wasn’t quite sure how to feel about that. At the same time, he understood Loki’s own self guilt and regret, but parents had to do the hard thing and do what was right. Howard would have most definitely not let him have his way because Tony asked for it, but then again, Howard never really had let Tony do something because he wanted to. There was a fine balance, and Odin nor Frigga had been very good at it.

At least it made Tony feel a little bit better when he told his side of things. The whole Thanos thing, the truth coming into life about Loki and the trial on Asgard, traveling to Jötunheim and then to Vanaheim where he saw Sliepner. He spared Loki the details of Sliepner’s health as Loki seemed pleased at the mention of his son and he didn’t want to ruin that. He then mentioned Hel and then seeing Fenrir and Hela. He didn’t elaborate too much there, but he did love to see Loki’s wide grin and proud laugh when he mentioned their particular hairstyles.

He was admittedly curious. “What does it mean?”

Loki briefly brushed a quick hand through Tony’s mused hair in a fond gesture that didn’t escape his notice. He didn’t point it out, but he will admit that he leaned into it unabashedly while it was there.

Loki only smiled a fraction. “Aesir culture puts a lot of worth in hair. To have it groomed and long is something desired and seen as a show of respect to ancestors past and rich history. By deliberately cutting it short or in a non traditional way, it’s essentially a- how should I put this?” Loki had said to himself. “It is telling Asgard to ‘go fuck youself’ to be completely blunt.”

“I love them already.” Tony admitted with a grin.

It was a pleasant topic, but of course it wouldn’t be for long. It was when he finally got to Rindr’s fate and what that meant for Thor and Odin that Loki’s mood had completely changed.

“So Odin killed her?”

Tony nodded waiting for some sort of reaction. Instead, Loki’s lip twitched downwards and his posture was stiff as they laid together. They had inched away from each other, but mainly it had been for Loki’s sake. He hadn’t explicitly made it clear, but Tony could see how anxious he got when he was held for long periods of time or how sudden movements made his eyes go dull as he disassociated for a few brief moments. It wasn’t something that Tony pointed out and he wasn’t sure if Loki knew he was quite so easy to read.

“And I assume Odin fell into the Odinsleep and since there’s no other regent, Thor has ascended to the throne.”

“Well.” Tony shrugged then, unsure of what really happened. “I don’t really know, but yeah, Thor’s the king.” He thought back to when he had last seen Odin. Admittedly, he looked weak and tired and his eyes had been hopeful. Had he just killed Rindr or did that come after his breakdown? “Honestly, he took the news of your death pretty hard.”

Loki laughed out loud at that. “Wow.” He actually sounded impressed. “This will have been the second time I would have sent him into Odinsleep if my supposed death was truly a factor of it.” His laughter trailed off and it sounded strained and frankly, a bit sad.

“Loki…” Tony began. “Do you… do you still love your dad-.”

“He is not my father.” Loki hissed. “You cannot fathom the amount of pain that he has brought me.”

“Lokes, I get it.” He reassured and let go out Loki’s hand to prop himself up on an arm to hover over Loki just enough to see his expression. Loki frowned and looked at his empty hand and Tony quickly interlaced their fingers again with the arm not supporting him. “I don’t think there’s anyone else besides me that understands at the moment.” And it was the truth because Howard had always been so abusive, emotionally and mentally in addition to everything else, but Tony had stopped even thinking Howard as his father after some time.

Tony didn’t want him in his life, didn’t want an apology, didn’t even respect or love Howard in the slightest. There was not one thing positive he could think about the man and his death had never been painful. It was just his mom and only his mom. So when others badmouthed Howard or scolded Tony for his callousness towards him, Tony didn’t care at all.

Loki knew that, but Loki wasn’t the same.

If Loki truly didn’t care about Odin anymore, his anger would have turned into indifference by now. It was something that he had learned as of late with Steve and Nat as well as something that Sigyn had brought up.

“Please.” Loki had said in response, his free hand covering his face. “Let’s not speak of this any further.”

Tony just tightened his hold on Loki’s hand with his right hand and nodded. Still, he didn’t lay back down and just watched Loki rub his forehead like he had a headache. “Thor will do great you know.”

“I know.” Loki admitted and let his hand fall away to look up at him. Eyes soft and eyebrows slightly furrowed, he looked worried. “He’s been trained his entire life for the day he would take over the throne. He was angry and reckless, but… he’s changed and I have no doubt he would be good.”

Tony brought their intertwined hands up to his face and pressed a warm kiss on the back of Loki’s hand in reassurance. Loki sucked in a soft breath and his face was just a tad flushed when Tony turned to look at him. Though perhaps the flush was a part of his imagination.

He loved it. He loved _him_.

Oh.

…

_Oh_.

“Anthony.” It sent a shiver down his spine and Loki looked frustrated, but Tony didn’t look away and Loki was staring back just as intently. Tony leaned in and Loki didn’t fight it, only squeezed his hand tightly and tilted his own head up to meet him halfway. When their lips touched, Tony could only marvel at the coolness of his mouth even when the rest of his face felt warm. It was far too sweet and toe-curling for such a chaste kiss. Every nerve in his body was bustling with electricity and his heart was beating like he had run a marathon.

Was it too cliché to say that it felt like there were fireworks in the background?

Loki broke the kiss to rest his head back onto the ground and Tony watched him bring his free hand up to his lips in what seemed like surprise. His eyes were blown out and his mouth slightly parted and even a tad pink. When Loki looked back up at Tony, his face actually turned red and he brought their hands to cover his face with a loud groan of embarrassment. “You weren’t supposed to do that.”

Tony couldn’t keep the smile off his face and laid back down to rub his cheeks that were starting to hurt. “Why not? You leaned into me too.”

“You’re such a…” He trailed off into a grumbles, but didn’t argue when Tony tugged him into another embrace with Loki’s hair in his face.

“I knew you were real…” Tony murmured into his soft hair.

Loki huffed and intertwined his legs with Tony’s leaving no space between them. He squeezed his hand, still so tightly locked together. It was like they were made for this, made for each other. A few seconds passed in silence as Loki traced the veins on Tony’s hand and then squeezed again.

“And if I want this to be real?” Loki’s voice was a whisper. The question was vague, but it wasn’t too hard to know what he was referring to. This. _Them_.

“Then it will.” He pressed another kiss to Loki’s forehead and the resulting stifled smile he received was answer enough.

___________

It was a week before Thor finally returned looking weary and like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. His armor was different, more dark and gold, more serious, more royal. His hands were shaky and his face was solemn, but Tony could feel the waves of power rolling off of him. It was the same feeling he had gotten from Odin, but as he looked at Gungnir held a bit awkwardly in Thor’s hand and at Thor’s sudden buzzed hair cut, he truly realized the grimness of it all.

“What happened?” Tony asked breathily. “Is Odin-?”

“He fell into Odinsleep, but as of two nights ago, he awoke. However, he is still far too weak to take the throne back and I have been ruling in his stead.” Thor sighed and sagged into the couch. “Out of all of things that Odin-.”

Odin. Thor called him Odin. Tony frowned to himself. Thor was distancing himself from his father and although he was proud that Thor was angry and most likely still reeling from everything Hela had told him, he wasn’t sure if now was the best time for that.

“-could have possibly done, he does this now?!” Thor was on his feet now, gripping his short hair and clenching his jaw in a way that looked painful. “I spent years just thinking about what I would do when I saw Rindr again, how I would make her suffer for everything she had done to Loki, just imagining how I could have done things differently back when I walked into that room to see her with him- I should’ve just struck her with Mjölnir, should have just taken her life myself and saved Loki from the pain of losing Narfi and Vali because of her!”

Tony watched him shout and stalk around angrily like a cat and sat down on the couch. He kept his mouth shut, just waiting to see where this would go.

“But I held myself back. I held myself back when I saw that cursed woman because she was our only hope only for Odin to turn and kill her- the selfish bastard!” Thor was practically screaming now. “He was a King for his realm, but allowed for my people to suffer bigoted thoughts and idealisms that I myself hadn’t understood until I came here and experienced life on other realms. My people suffered, I suffered, the nine realms suffered- _Jötunheim and Loki suffered_! They didn’t deserve it!”

Tony pressed his lips together and watched Thor have a meltdown, but Thor needed this. He needed to just let it all out and not bury it deep anymore. And Tony just let him because he was right. They were all victims, it was just certain people suffered more.

“And he did all of it for what?” Thor seethed and his question wasn’t for Tony to answer. “For his family? For his people? He has no family. My mother is dead, Loki is too, and I will no longer support his choices. He never chose us- he never chose Loki. He chose the easy way by allowing the council to dictate a lot of his actions and I will not stand by it no more. I don’t care if the council detests me, I do not care if they try to impede me from reaching out to other realms and letting them know just how rotten Asgard has turned, let them see. Let them all see that I will not stand by and let them believe in their superiority.”

“What’re you gonna do?”

“No, you should ask what I’ve already done.” Thor corrected.

“What does that mean?” Tony asked completely bewildered by his strange tone.

“I asked for council with Queen Helblindi and for the first time in centuries, opened the gates to Asgard from Jötunheim and had my guards guide them through the city.”

Tony was sure he was gaping.

“Infront of my people and infront of dozens of Jötnar, we forged a series of treaties opening commercial trade and securing our agreement as allies.” Thor said. “No longer will the Jötnar be seen as our enemies, but as our allies.”

“Thor this is insane.” Tony said. “There’s no way that Asgard is just going to accept that. They had to be forced in little by little- how do you know they’re not gonna riot, how do you know they’re not gonna overthrow you?”

“Because the ones who hated the Jötnar were the ones that benefit from their suffering.” Thor stated. “The lower class, they did not care about any of that. All they worried about was their next meal, work, and the markets. And so I threw out many councilmen and replaced them with hardworking individuals with backgrounds that would benefit the lower class. All of whom Loki had pointed out many times should be assuming those seats on the council instead of those old ignorant bastards. I am only now taking his advice now that I have the power to change that.”

His eyes were begging for Tony to understand him and Tony could only gape at all this.

“They won’t overthrow me.” Thor said. “Not when the few that hate me are nothing in comparison to those who believe this is the right thing to do.” His eyes went sad. “Not all of my people are bad. It’s only that the worst sit at the top that have the power to be heard.”

“And Odin?” He couldn’t imagine how he was reacting, if he had any qualms about this at all in fact. The guy was hard to read, but surely Odin thought Thor was crazy.

Thor scoffed. “Well whether he killed her at a bad time when political tensions are high or if it was well past due, then I can say that it was one of the few things that he did right by Loki. I will not punish him for killing her even though many push me to do so.”

“Could you even punish him?”

“As king I could.” He said. “But it would only worsen things in Asgard. I have many plans until Odin assumes the throne again, but I will ensure that everything I have done will not be able to be undone. I will have the true history of our colonization known instead of those falsehoods- Seidr will be an art that will be available to any who wish to learn whether it be a young boy or young girl, and I will invoke laws that prohibit against any crimes of hatred or discrimination of any kind. I will not allow my kingdom to continue on this path no longer.”

He took a seat on the couch and ran a hand through his short hair and it took Tony a while to understand what it meant. A sign of disrespect- a sign of rebellion. This was a new Asgard and Thor was going to make sure of it. He just knew it and he smiled wide. He was proud of him. “You’re doing good, buddy. The hair looks good too by the way.”

Thor huffed, but his grateful smile was still there along with his watery eyes and dark bags. “Thank you.” Thor was quiet for a few moments and then leaned back into the couch. “Sleipnir is no longer a stallion.”

A second passed and then two.

“What?”

The smile he got was almost relieved. “Sleipnir’s gonna be okay. And- Oh Tony,” He sat up straight and leaned forward, almost gripping the cushions of his seat. “Oh you would not believe how much he looks like Loki. Everything from his smile to his voice, he looks happy.”

Tony would honestly love to see the boy, but he was still reeling in shock. “How?”

“It was a curse.” He admitted. “Sleipnir was sent away because we thought we could protect him from Rindr only… she had cursed him way before we knew she was a threat and with her death, he has been freed from her influence.”

He went on to talk about Sleipnir recover and how he was assimilating to an Aesir- or rather his form from before and how he has been revealed to the public as Loki’s illegitimate child. Of course with Sleipnir’s wishes and consent.

There were so many who were unhappy and even healers who were blatantly rude and condescending, but Thor had given them an ultimatum. Treat Sleipnir with respect as the rightful son of Prince Loki or leave and lose their precious class standing. Oh and Sleipnir had adored ordering them around and treating those who had sneered at him all his life with the same apathy that they had shown him.

Karma.

Still, even the finest healers couldn’t fix the centuries worth of strain and damage and a lot of it carried on into his new body.

His right hand had very poor motor function as a result. While he could move it up and down and move a few fingers, his movements were stiff and jerky as well as the occasional muscle spasm that came with it. It was uncomfortable and painful.

As for his eyes, well they weren’t the same green anymore. Just like how his eyes had been very different as a stallion, it had carried on as well. Except, they weren’t exactly goat eyes, just a really pale and discolored blue. Stunning, yes, but that lack of pigment in his eyes damaged his vision and he now has to have something restricting the light. A blindfold back then and dark eyewear now.

His two sets of eyelashes that were admittedly beautiful, as Thor mentioned, were a result of a poor circulation that now caused his legs to swell up. While that was something that the healers were able to help with, he still couldn’t stand up for too long periods of time without having to sit down as it grew uncomfortable.

And damn, if that didn’t make Tony feel horrible. That after all that, he wasn’t ever going to be that healthy kid from before. It was hard, Thor said, for Sleipnir to have to go through all that in an environment that was now foreign to him, but he spent a lot of time with Odin as they both got their strength back together.

“When neither I nor my brother were able to visit Sleipnir,” Thor frowned. “My mother went often and on occasion, Odin did too.”

“You didn’t know did you?”

He shook his head. “I thought Odin had abandonded him… just like Hela and Fenrir- who are no longer banned as well as Jör wherever he may be. But Sleipnir had been raised- though hidden- alongside Loki and I and had referred to our parents as mother and father. He called Loki and I by our names.”

It made him frown in confusion. Sleipnir and Odin? It made him wonder just how their relationship was like. Hela had clear distaste for Odin and Fenrir was- well he wasn’t really sure, but he might have been a lot more distant with him just because the triplets had been raised separately- unless Odin and Frigga visited often. But if Sleipnir had been raised calling Odin father, then were they close? Or did he call Odin father simply because he had been more of a parental figure than Loki who had essentially been a child at the time. And well, Loki had said as well that Sleipnir and he had more of a sibling relationship than a parent and son one.

“This seems like a lot for just a week.” But then again Thor had mentioned way back then that time fluctuates a lot and one day here was a week up in Asgard at this moment. If time was still working there than it had to have been about forty-nine days. A little under two months.

And Thor only confirmed it with a shake and a mention of it being two months for him.

“He told me once…” Thor swallowed. “Loki told me once before everything happened that I didn’t care about him. I remember we were screaming and I was so angry and hurt that he would even insinuate that I didn’t. But then he told me that if I cared about him at all, that I would have let him go. I didn’t know what he meant, but I think I do now and I don’t… I don’t wish to. I don’t wish to let him go.”

Tony didn’t ask him to elaborate, his own throat tightened up to hear him so heartbroken.

He wiped his eyes. “Sleipnir took the death of my mother hard.” He swallowed. “And even more so of Loki’s.”

Tony swallowed and then he stood up to sit on the coffee table infront of Thor. Every part of him was shaking with nerves and he could feel the sweat cling to his back. He cleared his throat bringing Thor’s attention back to him. He didn’t say anything as Tony tried to calm himself and prepare himself to tell Thor what he had been waiting to do for the past week and waited patiently.

“Thor.” Tony began. “I have something I have to tell you, and I want you to just stay quiet until I finish, okay?”

Thor looked concerned, but he nodded and his eyes showed complete support.

“Loki’s not dead.”

His eyes hardened and he just stared at him like Tony was saying some sort of cruel joke. When Tony didn’t offer anything else as he felt panic overcome him and his hands grow clammy with nerves, Thor just spoke one word thick with emotions and eyes threatening him if Tony even dared to do something so heartless as give him hope.

“How?”

And Tony just spilled everything out. He talked about the dreams and everything that didn’t make sense and then the Seidr that was quite literally a part of him now. It left him stronger, energetic, feeling much more lighter than before. It was how he knew so many things about Loki, how he got into Loki’s room, and how he calmed Sleipnir- because Sleipnir must have recognized that Seidr. Helblindi and the king had even mentioned it! Helblindi has mentioned him being connected to someone, to Loki! And the king had compared him to Loki.

All the while, Thor just sat there silent and blank. His expression was collected and calm in a way that reminded him of Odin. When Tony was done, Thor sat there giving no visible reaction.

“Do you know where he is?”

“In a ship, floating in some other system, but I don’t know exactly where.”

“You had his Seidr this whole time and didn’t offer it when Rindr stayed she needed something of his?”

Tony bit his lip. Admittedly, the Seidr was alive and most likely, he would have saved them all the trip of going to Hel and the pain of reliving the moment Thor killed his own nephews for him. If only Tony had spoken up. Maybe Loki wouldn’t have been floating in space all by himself. Maybe they would have known exactly where he was.

“And you thought to keep this from me for what reason?”

“I…” Tony opened and closed his mouth, unsure of what to say. “I thought I could protect you, I thought I could save you the pain- that it was all just a dream and when it became memories I thought, I thought I could keep it from you. I thought it would be the best.”

“Protect me?” Thor asked and his voice was shaky and his expression broke down as he finally showed a sign of emotion. But it wasn’t a positive expression like he had expected. While it was definitely relieved, he just looked hurt and almost betrayed. “Or protect yourself from telling me the truth?”

That was when Tony realized just how hypocritical his words sounded. It was almost like what Steve and Nat had done to him. Not exactly, not even close, but it was similar and Tony felt completely revolted at himself for doing something so similar to them. It was selfish, it was stupid, and it was so ironic.

“Thor you have to believe me, I’m so sorry. I thought- I didn’t know what I thought, but I shouldn’t have done that.”

Thor just stood up, nodded to him and walked to the elevator and Tony trailed after him helplessly. “Thor. Please just listen to me.”

“I’m not mad.” Thor admitted, but he still didn’t look him in the eye. “I understand. It hasn’t been the first time I’ve been kept from the truth. I probably deserve it. I just… I hoped you wouldn’t be like Odin or Loki. I thought you could tell me such things.”

“Thor?” Tony asked. “Please. I didn’t mean to keep this from you.” And if he sounded a little bit desperate, it’s because he genuinely was. He had learned first hand what not to do and he had done it. “What are you going to do?”

“Learn how to use dark Seidr.” Thor admitted and he sounded tired. “I’ll need you to get as much information from Loki about his surroundings as possible. Unique stars, distance between points and locations. I’ll hone it down to the best of my ability with as much help from other scholars until I can use the Odin force to send me to Loki’s location. We will find him.” Thor reached out to him as he stepped into the elevator. His hand felt heavy on his shoulder and Tony tried to blink the tears in his eyes.

“Do not fret. I will be fine in due time.” Thor whispered softly and his tone was just as reassuring as it had been earlier. “Thank you for telling me.” It was so genuine too that it made the knife in his chest twist even further in. He really didn’t deserve this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, let me know what you guys think or feel about the chapter! See ya’ll in a bit!


	26. Inured to Seclusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s getting harder and harder waiting everyday for Loki to be saved, but they’re making progress. Thor with his kingdom and practicing and Tony with Loki.
> 
> Just when it feels like things are going in the right direction, there’s another new face popping up and boy is he way over his head.

“When we rescue you,” Because they _will_. “Where do you wanna go?” Tony asked.

“I am not going to Asgard.” Loki responded quickly. “They never wanted me there and I won’t go back.”

“Then you can stay with me. I mean… do you want to?”

He laughed as if the question was stupid. “Of course I do. There’s nowhere else. But I would like to see Skadi and my children if possible.”

“I think that can be arranged.” Tony said, the tension immediately dissipating. Although relieved that Loki would prefer to stay with him, it did bring up some difficulties. “I’m going to be honest, the whole world is looking for you and I don’t know if you want to help, or even want to be thrown back into it, but if you don’t then frankly, I don’t know for how long we can keep your presence a secret.”

Loki didn’t acknowledge it and simply stared off into the distance. Crickets serenaded them in the garden. Did Asgard have crickets? He wasn’t sure.

“What do you see?” He inevitably broke the silence.

Loki sighed, clearly irritated. “I see absolutely _nothing_.”

His hand twitched in Tony’s and Tony knew his presence was starting to become a little overwhelming. Tony wordlessly shifted away, giving him a few more inches of space, but held onto his hand tightly. Immediately, Loki relaxed and he looked grateful for the consideration, but then his jaw clenched and his hand tightened to the point of painful.

He could just tell that Loki hated that he needed the space.

Loki’s frustration was made clear in his voice. “There’s no visible constellations that I recognize, no planets nearby, and my pod is still completely engulfed in darkness. One that you are so familiar with.”

“Okay…” Tony let out a sigh. “Okay.” He repeated again. Well there wasn’t much he could do.

Each day that had gone by, he’s no closer to any answers and he’s not quite sure what he could really tell Thor. He’s lucky that they have a good way of communication now that Tony’s finished the ‘Space Phone’ that he had been working on for quite some time now, but it really doesn’t help if Tony didn’t have anything productive to offer. The poor guy was drowning in so much as it was. He was juggling the responsibilities of running a kingdom in addition to overseeing the tensions that came with making such drastic changes. From all the updates that Thor’s been giving him, Tony’s just concerned if he’s even getting any sleep.

As well as royal tasks, Thor studies late into the night every day about the use of dark magic and practices vigorously on channeling the power he had received from Odin. It was sometimes by himself or with tutors from Vanaheim. He had even expressed his frustration as he had to bite his tongue and go to Odin for any advice on channeling that power.

From what Tony knows, their relationship is very rocky and strained. Odin, though willing to help and try to explain and guide Thor, is quiet and very neglectful of his own health. If it wasn’t for Sleipnir, the man would have been worse off as it was.

“How does Sleipnir fare?” Loki asked after some time.

It had been among the first things he had mentioned to Loki and Loki had cursed him and shouted at him for playing such a cruel joke on him. Only it wasn’t a joke and it took some time for that to set in. When it finally did, Loki had asked so many questions that Tony couldn’t really answer. How was he feeling, was he okay, has he seen his other siblings as of late, does he know where Jör is, does he like being in Asgard or is he unhappy?

Tony couldn’t answer any of that, but he did tell him all that he could from Thor. Then again, Sleipnir was still healing and whatever the kid’s talked about with Thor is private and not Thor’s thoughts or feelings to share. While Loki seemed happy that Thor respected his eldest’s privacy, Loki was desperate for some manner to talk to him.

“He’s doing well so far.” Tony said. “Thor hasn’t told me any more news other than he’s getting better in his speech lessons and exercises.”

Loki hummed to himself.

“Loki…” Tony began. “It’s been days. Don’t you have anything to say to your brother?”

“He is not my brother.” It was said with such a lack of conviction that Tony didn’t even have to call it out.

They spent the last few moments they had in silence until Tony was once again pulled back into his own world.

Thor was coming by today and again, Tony would have to tell him that Loki still didn’t have a message for him.

The day he had told Thor about Loki, Thor had left to his own room and gathered up a few belongings and spent an abnormal amount of time there, he had come back up with eyes puffy, nose red, and voice hoarse. His hair was patted down half heartedly and his voice was calm with emotions just running rampant buried within him. Relief. He asked Tony to send Loki a message for him. Nodding quickly, it wasn’t too hard to deny Thor’s request. He waited patiently, but as he watched Thor open his mouth and then close it again, wringing his hands and breath coming out shaky, he knew that Thor was probably still in shock.

“Tell him-.” His voice cracked and he cleared his throat with an embarrassment flush in his cheeks. “Tell him that I’m so sorry, I’ll be better, I’ll be the brother that he had always deserved and I swear I will be good. I’ll have his back just as he’s always had mine. I just…” Thor reared up. “Please just tell him I love him. He’s all I really have left and I didn’t realize how much I took him for granted until he was gone. Just tell him that.”

And as true to his words as possible, Tony had relayed that message to Loki after informing him about all that Thor had done and changed so far into his reign. Loki had simply pressed his lips together, swallowed dryly, and closed his eyes as he tried to hold back tears. He never said anything in response and Tony was just dying to know what was going on through his head. Of course, just because Thor did so much in Loki’s honor, it didn’t mean that Loki owed him a response.

Thor knew that, but there was still that little hope. Despite having Tony’s word that he would relay a message from Loki the second he got one, he still asked with a hopeful expression, eyes hazy with exhaustion on the days he would come and spare a few minutes or hours to visit, if Loki had said anything back. Every time, Tony just shook his head, his expression was just as disappointed as the last.

Just like now.

“Just give him time.” He had faith that Loki would say something. Just maybe not now.

What else could Thor do, but nod and focus on his duties?

“And buddy? Loki doesn’t wanna come back. Not to Asgard when he’s rescued.” Tony said and it hurt to see Thor’s crestfallen expression.

“I respect that. Asgard had always been my home more so than it was to Loki.” He breathed in deeply. “I assume he would wish to be here? Or see his children?” At Tony’s nod, Thor pondered to himself aloud. “That should be fine. I trust you to watch over my brother. I can send Sleipnir here when we rescue him and I will try and see if Hela and Fenrir would be willing to come here. They’ve been waiting anxiously since I had given them news of Loki.”

“Fair enough.”

Despite mentioning sending Sleipnir here or of Hela or Fenrir, Tony hadn’t heard any updates on that. Which was not that concerning considering everything else that Thor had on his plate. It was still overwhelming, but according to Thor, the tensions and threat of rebellion wasn’t serious now compared to when he had first thrown out those new laws and switched the whole council. The people adored him, the rich and elite not so much.

Still, it seemed like things were going well. Slow and tedious, but well for Asgard. They were preparing themselves, strengthening their defenses and many other realms were arming too. Honestly, Vanaheim was still a little bit iffy on having a female ruler. However, as the threat of Thanos on the horizon become more and more imminent as more and more people started to disappear, they finally folded under the pressure. Rán was the new regent until her coronation.

However, it felt like things were at a standstill. Loki was still needed to help prepare against Thanos. While he had brought it up, Loki had completely shut down. Mentally and emotionally. That had been the first and only time he had brought it up.

Perhaps it would be considered treason, but Tony refused to let anyone else know that he was in contact with Loki. Not only would that be stressful to explain, but he remembered how painful and mentally taxing it was to bring up memories of a time that he wanted nothing more than to forget. There was no way he was going to be that person to Loki. If Loki didn’t want to go into detail about Thanos, that was fine. A little troubling, but fine.

The days passed rapidly and he found himself quickly growing tired of the same old routine. So he called up Pepper and they agreed to meet up for some breakfast after her meeting. It wasn’t much, just talking about their days and enjoying each other’s company. She didn’t ask about Loki and admittedly, he was a little relieved that he could take his mind off of the concern that always came with thinking about him lost and alone up there.

Mindlessly, he toyed around with his food and offered whatever he could to the discussion which was about integrating BARF into therapeutic environments. There were also many offers for the project to be expanded into investigations, but Tony was wary of how they wanted to use it. Instead of the good he made it for, he understood how it could be used for more malicious purposes.

They turned down those offers and Pepper was in charge of overseeing where exactly BARF would start it’s launch.

It was then that a sudden thought came to his mind. He could use BARF to show exactly where Loki was. If Thor needed something physical, an idea, or a picture of where to go then Tony could provide that via BARF. He just had to see where Loki was and Loki was more than capable of doing that. He had shown Tony his room oh so long ago and every night they saw his mother’s garden.

After the meal, the first thing he did was ring up Thor and ask if that was possible. In response, Thor was ecstatic at the prospect. His lessons were going well, but he didn’t have enough experience or knowledge of tracking someone just based on the Seidr so an image or clear location would help tons.

So that night, he asked Loki if he could show Tony where exactly he was. Not to explain, but to change the garden into the location he was at. Just like he had done before. At first, Loki was confused and then defensive. “Why would you want to see? There’s nothing to see.”

“Because it could help us find you.”

It had taken a lot of prodding and he knew Loki was uncomfortable, but this wasn’t a choice he was going to give him. They _needed_ to find Loki and this was it. He just didn’t know why exactly Loki was so unwilling to show him.

Loki closed his eyes and Tony watched a pained expression grow over him as he focused. Slowly, the scenery faded away and Loki was left in a slight sheen of sweat and looking awfully dazed. Tony wrapped a hand around his neck and held onto his hand to steady him. “Easy there, babe. You okay?”

Loki flushed a bit in embarrassment and cleared his throat. “I apologize. My seidr isn’t back to it’s… full strength.”

Tony frowned and nodded. He took a few seconds to adjust his eyes to the darkness and then realized why Loki had been so reluctant to show him the ship he was in.

It was dark and claustrophobic making it hard to breathe, but apart from that, it looked new and like it had never been touched. It made Tony look around in confusion and then he looked back at Loki. “You’re hiding it.”

“You don’t need to see.” Loki whispered. His face was carefully blank. “You just need to see where I am right?”

“Yeah, but…” He glanced at the vast expanse of space before them. It was dark and gloomy, but he could see faint stars in the distance. There really wasn’t anything for Loki to describe. “You don’t have to hide this from me.” Tony murmured. “Whatever it is, I’m here for you.”

Loki scoffed and rubbed his eyes. “I’m going crazy here.” He motioned at everything around him. “I can’t control myself and I… trust me. You don’t want to see what havoc I have wrought.”

“I don’t care.” Tony tore his eyes away from the endless darkness in front of him. His own heart was beating too quick and his breathing had turned just a tad shallow. He tried to focus on anything else besides outside. Still holding onto Loki’s hands, he squeezed. “I don’t want you to think you have to hide yourself from me. Even if those parts aren’t exactly charming.”

A strange expression came over Loki then and then a certain coolness replaced the small warmth of Loki’s hands. “Even-…” His voice was harsh, but Tony knew him well enough to hear the pain hidden underneath. “Even if I look like… this?”

A subtle movement had him focusing downwards at where Loki had pulled away, putting evident space between them. Tony watched in awe as Loki’s hands changed from the pale and rosy color he had come to adore to a familiar blue as he picked at the skin between his thumb and forefinger. His nails turned dark and the blue crept up his skin, kissing and marking it with lines up to his neck. The air had shifted into something icy and there was something more heavy there too. Eventually, the color bathed his face and his eyes flooded with crimson. Different color, yes, but they were the same sharp eyes Tony had found himself enthralled with.

Tony could spend hours just looking at him, but Loki was still waiting for an answer with his lips pressed together and his chin slightly quivering. He looked ready to bolt, but where to? There was no where else for him to go. Despite the panicked expression, he remained steadfast like he was waiting for Tony’s repulsion or criticisms.

His hands reached out and Loki shook his head. “I’ll burn you. My skin- it’s only here to hurt you.”

Tony’s heart constricted as he watched Loki’s pained expression. “No it won’t. You wouldn’t hurt me.” He held his hands out, unwilling to force his touch on him, but rather have Loki make the first move. “I won’t let you. Just trust me.” It took some time, but Loki gingerly brushed his fingers over his palm, looking for any sign of pain. When Tony continued to remain stone-faced, he gained more confidence and ran his hands down Tony’s arms like he was reassuring himself.

Tony didn’t hesitate in reaching out for Loki’s face to pull him into a firm kiss. Loki let out a noise of surprise and his lips were unmoving like he was unwilling to kiss back, but he didn’t push Tony away either.

Unperturbed, Tony softened the kiss and brushed his fingers down his neck. Fueled by Loki’s soft whimper, he used the pads of his thumbs to stoke his jaw and tilted his head, guiding and urging until he finally felt Loki reciprocate. Loki’s hands found purchase on Tony’s waist and he was almost trembling. He kept it sweet and short because he understood that what Loki needed at that moment was something grounding, not heavy and hot.

Still, it was just as amazing and mind numbing as the first one they had shared.

When he finally pulled away, Loki chased after him and Tony murmured, “You’re beautiful,” against swollen lips. Loki pressed another short kiss to his mouth and buried his face into his shoulder. The sigh he let out was almost resigned.

“You’re insufferable.”

Tony couldn’t help his wide grin, but as Loki shifted closer and embraced Tony fully, he didn’t expect to feel something both familiar and off. Tony glanced downwards, but Loki was still very much pressed against him. It almost felt like- oh. Loki was Jötun and they could change their sex, he had completely forgotten about that.

“Um. Loki?”

“What?”

“Do you always have… you know…” He trailed off a bit awkwardly and then Loki froze for a few seconds and then shot backwards, twisting around in an attempt to get away. His hand slipped in his haste and he fell on his chest fairly hard if he was going off by the pained grunt he let out. “Shit, are you okay? Did you hurt your-.”

“Don’t say it!” Loki shouted. He was on his knees and slapping Tony’s hands away as he kept his arm over his chest protectively and almost like he was trying to hide it. “Please don’t say it. I can’t- it always comes whenever I change into this form.” As if punctuating it, his skin started to fade back into the familiar paleness from before and Tony was sad to see it go, but not enough to ask Loki to stay in this form when it was clearly something uncomfortable.

“Hey it’s okay.” Tony whispered and held his hands out waiting for Loki’s consent to touch him again. “You don’t have to explain it to me.” Loki slumped into him, back pressed against his chest, and they both watched as the final traces of blue left his fingertips.

Loki’s voice was a bit strained. “I could never completely hide it.” He intertwined their fingers together. “Even if I chose this form, I couldn’t complete erase those signs of femininity. My hands,” He turned their hands around for Tony to examine. “My lack of hair,” Loki guided his hands down his face illustrating the lack of facial hair and then guided his hands down his neck to his chest, slowly, making sure Tony felt every inch of Loki’s masculine body. “My lean body in contrast to their muscular ones.” Down his hands went and Tony had to take a breath to calm himself.

He knew this wasn’t intended to be sexual in nature, but Tony was still a man. Surely Loki understood how inviting that was, but maybe he just was testing to see Tony’s self control. For what reason? He wasn’t sure. However, he noted that as soon as Tony pulled his hands off and opted to hold Loki’s hands instead, he let out a relieved sigh and practically melted into him.

Loki laughed after some time, but it sounded bitter and dry. His expression was no happier, eyebrows furrowed and eyes narrowing. The corners of his lips twitched downwards. “I was considered so unmanly that I was given herbs in the hopes that I would become more masculine.”

“What?” Tony’s face twisted into something akin to disgust.

“I was… me.” He put a hand to his chest and seemed to try and find the right words. “I was about as male as I could be and I knew I could have taken the form or look how they wanted me to, but I wouldn’t be able to maintain that form for long and it would exhaust my Seidr to a dangerous point that it was not worth it. Although I admit I had entertained the idea. More than once in fact. Even attempted it. It was why he knew it wouldn’t work and it nearly cost me my life.”

The look Tony gave him was one of disappointment and concern. “Not anymore I hope.”

“Norns no.” Loki stressed. “I’m lucky that _this_ form,” He ran a hand over his pale skin. “Doesn’t extract so much energy, after all, how could I waste so much energy on a form that belongs to _me_? If I were to change into Thor or Sif, I would be changing to someone else. This _is_ me, but if I lost it all, my skin would turn blue and I would be someone I wouldn’t recognize. I wouldn’t be me.”

Tony leaned against the trunk of the tree. “Well, I don’t think that.”

“Which part?”

“The last of it.” He admitted. “No matter what skin you have, purple, pink, neon green, if you had feathers or fur, it’s still you. You don’t have to define yourself by how the fuck you look like.” He scoffed and rubbed the back of his neck. “I think all that is a load of bullshit and I think what you’re saying is stupid too. It doesn’t mean anything.”

Loki sighed to himself. “Of course you wouldn’t understand.” He said. “It means _everything_.”

Tony frowned then. He huffed, but wrapped his arms around Loki’s waist anyways. He made sure not to make it so tight that Loki felt trapped, but just enough to feel safe. “Well then to me it doesn’t. Everyone else can go fuck themselves.”

Loki snorted and squeezed Tony’s arms.

He was actually surprising himself with how well he was doing, but he supposed that his own experience and reading up on it was helping a lot.

“Well then I guess we can agree on that.”

_________

It was pretty easy to use BARF to show Thor the next time he came on down. Of course, he only showed a still image that didn’t look too compromising between him and Loki. Thor didn’t ask too much questions, but he _did_ spend a long time looking at Loki.

“He seems… calm.” Thor noted.

Tony could only agree. Loki didn’t look too healthy, but he didn’t look like he was in imminent danger. He just looked like he needed some food in him and some sunlight. But that begged the question, if Loki had hidden whatever he had done to his ship, was he hiding how he truly looked like? He wasn’t talking about his Jötun skin, but rather how he actually looked like. He knew they did horrible things to Loki-torture- but surely he would have some marks of it.

Only time would tell he supposed.

It took only a few more moments for Thor to take in the location and then he turned to Tony with his hand outstretched. It was a question. With a nod of confirmation, Thor rested his hand on Tony’s arc reactor and Tony gripped Thor’s wrist to find some comfort and reassure himself that it wasn’t Obi or anyone else. A minute passed and then two.

“Um. I don’t know if this is normal, but I was expecting something ya know, bigger? Maybe a ship and us marching in and saving Loki?”

There was a grimace on Thor’s face and he looked frustrated. “I apologize. I could feel it- I could feel him, but it’s just out of my reach.” His disappointment and anxiousness was evident. He was desperate and rightfully so. Tony himself was anxious to just _get on with it_. It’s been months and he felt desperate now that it had just been out of his reach. Still, he couldn’t put it on Thor. Thor wanted him back just as much and so he waited patiently.

It was then that he realized that Thor had been talking. “-Of course if that’s alright with you. I wouldn’t wish to inconvenience you. What do you think?”

“What?” He looked up at Thor’s expectant expression and then just nodded. Surely it wasn’t anything that important. “Yeah yeah, sounds good.”

“Thank you my friend.” And so that was that.

Loki didn’t seem to mind, but Tony could tell he was getting restless.

It was a couple days before there was something peculiar interrupting his usual schedule. Out of the blue one night, Friday interrupted him as he was preparing for bed. There was someone trying to get up through the elevator.

“Who is it?”

“He said he was sent here by Thor and James Rhodes, Boss.”

“Wait what?” He brought up the cameras as he called up Rhodey. As soon as he heard the click, he started talking. “Hey, yeah hello? It’s me. Of course it’s me. By the way, why is there a-,” the camera feed popped up to see a kid, maybe a teenager with dark reddish hair and freckled skin shift awkwardly from foot to foot. With a backpack slung over his shoulder, he looked around the elevator curiously. “-Kid in my elevator saying that you and Thor sent him?”

“Hello to you too.” Rhodey said dryly.

Now with certainty that Rhodey knew the kid, he let Friday send him up. He threw on whatever really and walked over to the front of the elevator waiting for the kid to get there. It was late.

“I thought Thor told you.”

“Told me what?”

He watched the kid step out of the elevator with a slack jawed expression that newcomers always seemed to get. Eyes wide and tentative, his posture was awkward like he hadn’t grown into himself yet. Yet, there was a certain feeling he felt in him that felt like he had been through too much already. He felt… familiar and this had happened far too many times that he already had an inkling as to why.

However, it still came as a surprise when Rhodey said that the kid was someone Tony would have never guessed in a hundred years.

“What?” Tony was almost stunned into silence. “Hold up, you did what?”

“There was no other option. People were still dying, people are starting to go missing, and we needed to know if that was in any way connected. So we gave Thor a call.”

“How?” And he was genuinely curious. “Because I’m the only one who has the _phone_ to actually, you know, call him.”

Rhodey let out a humorless laugh. “I went outside and I shouted for Thor.”

Tony couldn’t help the fit of laughter. Oh the mental imagery was enough, but then he realized that Rhodey wasn’t laughing. “Oh you’re serious.”

“Yup.”

Tony turned to the kid. “You can sit down if you want. Do you want a drink- shit sorry you’re not old enough. Or are you? I don’t really know how old you guys start drinking-.”

He sat down at the couch slowly, setting his bag to the side and he was still looking around. “Dude, chill. Water is fine.” He interrupted.

“Right.” He brought him a glass of water and had to clear his throat to catch his attention as he touched everything in sight. The kid raised an eyebrow and grabbed the cup, spilling some water as he set it on the table.

Still on the phone, Rhodey went on to explain exactly what had happened. Bruce had said the pathway jumped sporadically, but never had he said that he had figured it out. He had predicted where it would jump next and Rhodey was sent along with a group of others to the area. Sure enough, they found it, but they weren’t able to pass through. It was like they were being restricted and finally, after so long, Thor was called in and Rhodey was able to tell him everything. Thor hadn’t seemed too shocked and they finally found out what that town was.

It’s name, Valaskioll, had held the truth the whole time. It was a town forgotten in time and hidden away for centuries. It had been named after Vali and the people who had lived there had adored him and had praised him as the god of vengeance. The iffy part of it all was the fact that they sacrificed fertile young men, the strongest and the best of the best. After Vali’s death, the people began to disperse and the culture was lost. As a tribute to his grandson, Odin sealed it off and left it as a memorial, hidden away from Midgard and within the branches of the Yggdrasil.

There, the town was left untouched and as beautiful as the moment it had been abandoned. A town frozen in time. The people who had left, had made new families and every male victim that had been connected to the town were descendants of them. Only thing was, they had to go to the town to actually find out why those people were dying.

“And how long have you guys kept this a secret?” Tony asked feeling horribly out of the loop. “I mean… it’s been weeks now since you had Bruce help you, but no one’s told me anything. Thor didn’t say anything and you didn’t either. I just…” He felt left out.

“Actually, we knew about the passageway for a month now. Only Bruce just managed to narrow it down a little more than a couple weeks ago. And we didn’t say anything to you because you don’t have to be in the middle of everything, Tony. The world doesn’t just stop moving because you’re not at it’s center.”

He wouldn’t admit that it actually hurt to hear those words.

“You were stressed enough as it was with Loki and with your therapist and honestly, I shouldn’t have involved you anyways. It was confidential.”

“I wasn’t involved! I was just… a listening ear.” He grumbled. “Well then, what happened afterwards?”

“Well Thor made it clear that he wanted to help, but he had lessons planned to expand his magic or whatever and Loki was his priority, followed by his responsibilities as king.”

Rhodey went on to say that Thor had already spent so much precious time just coming down and explaining things to them, that he couldn’t spend more time there. Thing was, they didn’t need Thor to take them in and wait around to take them out because someone walked out from the pathway with a strange looking fruit and chomping away at it without a care.

Only, or as how Rhodey described it, the man’s eyes grew wide with fear and he froze completely in his step. His gaze solely trained on Thor and Thor looking back at him with a similar sort of disbelief.

It made Jör laugh a bit as he shifted about in discomfort. “I wasn’t that scared.” He muttered, but his movements caught his attention. There was nothing on either of his wrists, but he was wearing a leather piece on his ankle, hidden under his jeans, and the black pearl peaked out every once in awhile.

Tony had to pause there because that was just insane. This whole time that he had been missing, Jör had really been on Earth coming to and fro from his brother’s memorial.

“So… you’re here.”

“Yeah.” He shrugged. “I didn’t want to go back to Asgard. Those assholes don’t want me there and I was like, oh what the hell, might as well wait here since Sliepner’s coming down soon with Hela and Fenrir.” Jör grinned. “Colorblind puppy.”

“…I’m sorry, what?”

Jör raised a judgy eyebrow. He was definitely sassy. “You’re not old enough to be deaf. I said colorblind puppy. Cause Fenrir’s colorblind and I heard he turns into this large dog so puppy isn’t too far off.”

Tony scrunched up his nose. “I’m not old! I’m in my prime years.” But the kid made a face at that like he was laughing at him. “No, no, no I mean what do you mean your siblings are coming here?”

He could practically see Rhodey’s exasperated expression. “Did Thor not tell you that he was going to reunite Loki’s kids all together for when Loki returns? He told me you said it was fine.”

“Ah…” Tony swallowed. He thought back to the last time he had talked to Thor. “I don’t think I was listening honestly. But it’s fine. Thanks for letting me know.”

“Well then I don’t have a lot of time, we’re doing tests on what we found there. The kid can tell you about it.”

When Rhodey hung up, Tony was left to stare at Jör in silence. Honestly, he knew it might have come off as creepy what with his uncomfortable shuffling as he tried to look anywhere, but him. He looked just like the portrait Loki had drawn, but older. His strong features were already making an appearance and he looked a bit rugged. He was lanky, but Tony could tell that when the boy grew past puberty he would be quite the looker.

“Dude.”

“Sorry I just…” Tony rubbed his face. “You don’t look like your dad.”

“Yeah I do.” Jör scoffed. “I just think you’re comparing me to the wrong one.”

“Right.” He cleared his throat again. Were teenagers usually this smart-mouthed? He knew he was some what like that, but while Hela and Fenrir were old in a sense of maturity, Jör felt younger. He was almost more childish and immature, but hardened by past horrors. “I assume you showed my friend Rhodey the place.”

“Well, yeah.” He said. “Uncle Thor couldn’t stay around for long and he promised we’d have a little talk when he came back.” He pursed his lips. “My parents are gone, but I still remember that when someone said that, it wasn’t anything good.”

“Ah do you know-.”

“That my father’s lost in space? Yup. People talk and I’m pretty good at going around. Alfheim, Vanaheim, Earth- you know. The safe places.” His expression was bitter. “You know I actually thought Asgard had found me. When I saw your friend and my uncle? Yeah. Turns out they hadn’t been looking for me at all. So fuck them!” He shouted. “And sorry, I know you’re like a stranger and all, but I haven’t really had the chance to talk to anyone about this really and I… Well let’s just say it’s been a long couple of centuries.”

He felt for the boy and his expression softened. “It’s fine. You can rant whatever you want.” He took a seat on the other couch and gave him his full attention. He didn’t say it, but Tony could tell Jör appreciated it.

He grinned wide in response and leaned forward in his seat. “Well let me just finish up cause I’m actually really tired. I guided them in and their technology trackers or whatever led them to this one place. So you see, I go and visit that place a lot cause you know- it’s a memorial to my dead brother and shit- but not the point. Thing is, there were these two Chitauri guards and I know they’re Chitauri cause I watched New York on the TV. Right?”

“Uh- right.” Did all teenagers word vomit like that or was that just Jör?

“Well they were looking for something and I didn’t get to see it before all of a sudden they drop dead! To the ground! Like someone just flicked a switch. So what did I do? I look over the little hole they had dug and it was ironic because it looked like grave you know? But it felt wrong that they had dug up in the middle of Vali’s town and I didn’t want to bury it, but I didn’t want to just leave it like that. It felt like I was doing Vali a disservice. But I left it and it turns out that it was exactly what they were looking for.”

“And what’d they find?”

“A weapon.” Jör’s voice was a bit strangled now. “It was like an old sword and they did note that it looked disturbed. It had a sheath, but it had been pulled out from it and the energy sources were going crazy.”

“So was it cursed or something?” Tony pressed.

“Maybe. But I didn’t know there was a string of sudden deaths and the timing of when that sword was drawn directly lined up with the moment the first victims started to die.” He actually huffed then. “Actually yeah, the sword might be cursed because we sheathed it again and there hasn’t been any deaths since then. When it was opened, someone died instantly.”

“So it’s connection to the town directly affected people who were descendants.” Tony added as an afterthought. “Cursed sword buried in an abandoned town hidden away from earth where no one can touch it and once it was unleashed, only healthy men of a certain age group were killed until it was covered again.”

“Yeah I guess that sounds pretty cursed.” He let out a loud sigh. “I’m really sorry for asking, but do you have a place I could sleep? A shower too? I want to dress up for when my siblings get here. I haven’t seen any of them in a long time and I want to make a good impression.”

Tony smiled. “Sure. You can stay on Thor’s level. He has everything you could need.”

“Thank you.” His smile was bright and childish.

So that’s how Angrboda looked like.

He thought briefly.

He must’ve been beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are picking up and I’m so excited for the next few chapters! I’m feeling more motivated to finish this as time goes on and all of you commenting makes it my favorite part of writing. Again, just letting you all know that the other chapters are prewritten and I’m spacing them as I go so I have time to go back and rewrite things if something comes up in more recent chapters before I post them.
> 
> Please continue to comment, I live for them!!


	27. Straight Way Was Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter from Thor’s point of view and a chapter I think we’ve all been waiting for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Made small fixes to spelling errors*

“Loki’s alive.” Those were the only two words he spoke aloud to his people when he arrived back home after Tony’s confession. It was with no proof and just trust in Tony that he declared it infront of everyone including his father. He offered no explanation, no apology, and certainly no words to what would happen to Loki then.

He didn’t wait to see the reaction nor did he care. He hadn’t even glanced over to his father to see what he thought. He did his part in letting his people know that there was no point in continuing with preparing a funeral for someone who had essentially risen from the dead as far as they knew.

It was certainly the talk of the people for some time, questions about what happened and comments that it took every fiber in Thor’s being not to snap.

“You fight every battle, Thor, and you lose sight of what really matters.” Loki had told him once. “Don’t be brash. Your anger is what they want and once they have it, you are theirs to control.”

Thor hadn’t been that good at following his advice and Loki had indeed used it against him time and time again. A cruel joke, a subtle jab, a push was all it took for Thor to lose it and prove Loki right in whatever argument they had.

But that was then and this is now. Had the jeers always been so cruel? They had been rude back then, but now were just plain horrid. Loki hated it back then, especially when Thor or anyone else would interfere, but he fought his own battles silently and in his own way.

He thought it would go away, but it didn’t. Those remarks weren’t being made by the lower class, but they were made by those with power and other fools who believed they were superior in every way. It took some time, but if Thor threatened them with defamation and exclusion of power and warned them against saying anything at all, then no one else had to know.

As far as Loki would come to know, he alone had been fighting that battle.

Thor would admit that he wasn’t a patient man. Loki had always been the calmer of the two, had always been the rational one, the better one of the two. When he was to be made king way back then, he had envisioned himself with Loki by his side. His mother had been Odin’s most trusted advisor and she had taken over the role of Odin’s brother.

He had assumed that Loki would be his. He couldn’t imagine having anyone else besides him. His intelligence was unrivaled, his cunning and sharp tongue was admirable in diplomacy, and he was exceptional in picking apart lies which was ideal for making treaties or deals with other realms. Without him, Thor would be lost. Truthfully, he _was_ a little lost. If he hadn’t spent many a night in Loki’s room caring for Sleipnir or Vali while Loki studied, he wouldn’t have known who to appoint in the new council nor what procedures there were for certain laws or reinforcements or to even change past rulings.

Those nights were dear to him. He could almost envision them with a clarity that hurt. Vali nursing a warm bottle while snuggled in Thor’s chest and Loki would sit cross legged on his bed, neck bent over painfully with a large book in one hand and a feathered pen hovering over papers full of his notes and scriptures in the other. Thor would help Sleipnir tie Loki’s hair back, as short as it was, and laugh at how silly it would look at Loki’s expense. Except Loki would never chastise them or get angry at them. He would simply continue reading and murmured his thoughts out loud to himself and fly through the pages.

It was calm and slow, but it was everything Thor could ever want. He couldn’t count the number of times that he would come in to help Loki with putting the children to bed only to fall asleep with Vali and Sleipnir over each arm and dozing off to Loki’s voice.

Admittedly, he could attribute a lot of his knowledge on political and foreign affairs as well as court hearings and so forth to Loki. He wasnt saying that he was slow or didn’t care much for tutoring because he did and he did great, but Loki had been the star. He had excelled in so much where Thor just hadn’t been as quick. But while Loki was excellent in his studies, Thor was great at fighting.

But that was it. He wasn’t as well-versed in peace when he had been taught to fight. It filled him with shame that it was only that lust for war and carnage that made Asgard pick him over his brother. Which was presumably why they had been so shocked by his sudden change and interest in peace. He wanted to preserve the peace, but even then, he hated that it had been Loki’s ideas and dreams that he was using. Just another thing he had stolen from Loki.

This. All this. Loki should have been king so why wasn’t he?

Perhaps it was because Loki was Jötun? What a pathetic reason. Anyone with two eyes would be able to see that Loki had always been the more reasonable choice, but he supposed that Odin not having _both_ eyes was the reason. He was as blinded in his seeing eye as he was in the other he had lost. Thor would never forgive him for that.

He would never forgive him for the pain he had cause Loki because his own pain and his own trauma could never compare to what Loki had gone through. Thor could never understand and it was that panic and that anxiety and guilt that kept him up in the middle of the night every night after his lessons.

Gripping at his short hair that he had cut off in a rage after Loki’s death and crying helplessly as he bit into his hand to silence himself, this had turned into a ritual for him. Every single night he would mourn. Every single one. Alas, he would pick himself up, bury it all and continue with his day because he had to be the perfect king. He had strength, but the strong one had always been Loki and Thor had never been strong not one day in his life.

Thor tried to focus on other things, but it was difficult.

At least Hela and Fenrir were no longer banished, but only time would tell if they wished to live on Asgard or on some other realm. He can’t imagine that they would wish to spend more time on Hel after the centuries that they had been forced to spend there. However he couldn’t know for sure. Perhaps they felt that they had duties there, a responsibility now that Hela was Queen of the realm and wherever Hela was, Fenrir would most definitely follow.

He just hoped they would be alright. He knew Loki would be more than thrilled to see them and not only that, but to see Sleipnir as well. Oh he nearly burst into tears when he received word from Vanaheim and went to bring him back to Asgard for the healers. He couldn’t afford to break down of course. The people would not respect him if he did so and respect was something so powerful in such unsteady times now. Thor couldn’t afford weakness. He had to be firm and strong in his stance. Intimidating.

It was with a bitter laugh that he realized that it was something Odin had instilled into him. Never a father, but a king. He really had missed that warmth that he had seen the others receive from loving parents.

Still, that had been Sleipnir and Sleipnir had been brought to Asgard. It was behind hidden doors that they both broke down to one another in Loki’s room amidst the chaos like they had done so many times as children.

However, the day that Hela and Fenrir arrived to Asgard had been a very emotional one. When Thor had sent them a message that Loki was alive and about Sleipnir, he also let them know that they could come to Asgard and wait until he was able to retrieve Loki. They accepted.

Sleipnir had absolutely refused to stay and wait and had given him so much trouble so that he could go and welcome his siblings. He wanted to be the first thing they saw. No matter how much Thor had urged him to stay put since Sleipnir was still weak and couldn’t stand up for too long, he had given in. He could give this to him at least.

So saddled up and guiding the other two horses for Fenrir and Hela, both he and Sleip made their way to the bifrost. He could see the irony in that and had even considered on another means of transportation, but Sleipnir had been the one to joke and make light of it so it was alright. If Sleipnir didn’t mind then Thor wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. It was up to Sleipnir if he felt bad about it or not.

When they arrived, Thor helped him down carefully, much to Sleipnir’s embarrassment. However, as much as Thor indulged him, Thor would not let Sleipnir get harmed simply for his own pride. He was right as Sleipnir slipped off and Thor had to catch him before he fell.

“Apologies.” Sleipnir muttered under his breath. “My legs are rather unsteady from the ride.” His words were slightly slurred and tumbled awkwardly from his mouth. His voice was still the slightest bit scratchy as well. Centuries of not using it had taken its toll on him.

“It’s fine, brother.” Thor tried to reassure him and Sleipnir gave him a crooked smile in response. They were brothers after all, more-so than an uncle and nephew due to their close age. 

Heimdall had given them a nod and he could practically feel Sleipnir’s anxiousness from besides him. He was brimming with excitement. After all, when his health started to deteriorate and it grew very painful to walk, Sleipnir hadn’t been able to go visit his siblings anymore and he sorely missed them.

The moment they stepped foot in Asgard, Vanaheim clothing and all, Sleipnir leapt at them, arms wrapped around them and his weight resulted in them toppling over to the floor. It was such a childish sight, but such a heartwarming one as both Fenrir and Hela looked over him frantically.

Fenrir pulled away from the hug, wiping his eyes furiously, but held onto Sleipnir’s hand for comfort. Sleipnir, although he didn’t understand Fenrir’s discomfort with physical touch, accepted it and gave all his affection to Hela. She was a mess, touching his face and memorizing his looks and sobbing into his chest. She even allowed him to remove the mask she wore to briefly examine all the changes she had undergone before respectfully putting it back.

“Gross.” Fenrir said as he wiped his own tears into his clothes. He had always hated the feeling and it seemed as though now was not exception.

It was as much as a relief as it was bittersweet. He knew they missed him as well. And in true Loki fashion, Sleipnir ran his hands through her hair and teased her about it and her ugly crying as he tried to lighten the situation.

However, Thor understood that as much as Sleipnir was a brother to him, Hela and Fenrir were not. They were his niece and nephew and Hela had made it explicitly clear that she hated him and didn’t count him as family. This was a moment saved for the three of them. Only ones they were missing was Jör and Loki. Of course they were missing Vali and Narfi as well, but it wasn’t the time for such sad thoughts.

He shuffled nervously as they talked amongst themselves until Hela finally looked up and caught his eye. Thor gave her a smile that he knew probably came off as pathetic, but he was truly happy for them. He wouldn’t let his own feelings get in the way. However, Fenrir had turned to her and given her a questioning look.

With a sigh, Hela lifted her hand up to him. “Oh come, Thor. You still consider us to be family?”

“Without a doubt.” He grabbed her hand and let himself be pulled into the tight embrace.

It wasn’t forgiveness that she had given him, but perhaps peace and time for them to heal. He supposed it was more than he could ask of her.

After some time and greetings between Heimdall and the two, they made their way through Asgard. There was a crowd and whispers running rampant as they passed. After all, neither of them had ever stepped foot on Asgard and they were certainly a sight to see.

Although Fenrir didn’t let the whispers perturb him, Hela looked like she was shrinking into herself. Perhaps she hadn’t expected that these people would not be afraid of her. She had grown powerful in Hel because of fear and intimidation and she didn’t have enough diplomatic experience to know that it would not be the same here.

They whispered amongst each other, gasps about their appearance, harsh words about the mask she wore hiding her Jötun lineage, and astonishment at her masculine hair. They were not prided by her as Thor was. They were cruel. As much as Thor had asked his people to treat them with respect, he hadn’t expected them to completely ignore him.

He was appalled by their behavior, but he understood that he could not scold them now. Forcing the people to stop their talk would not fix the problem. They would stop, but it would only stop in his presence. The talk would not go away and only increase behind closed doors. They would not respect her and respect, as unfortunate as it was, meant everything here. He couldn’t say anything, but Hela could and that she did.

He hadn’t heard exactly what that particular ignorant blacksmith had said, but he definitely heard when she stopped her horse. The others followed suit and the chatter immediately came to a stop. Hela simply looked down at him, boring her eyes into his and he had been at the other end of it once to understand how truly terrifying it was.

“I have seen enough cowards to recognize one before me. You speak now of honor and bravery and yet I know for certain that when you die, you will be among the first to beg for mercy.” She didn’t smile as his face went pale. “You and everyone here tried to take it all from me, but here I stand before you with more than you could all possibly take.” Hela turned to the others. “Many of you are cowards and you believe that what you do is right. I will tell you this and only this once. You follow in your parents footsteps, now which of you wants to know where they remain? Hel or Valhalla? You’ll be surprised as to how many of you will follow them.”

There was dead silence in their wake and as Hela nudged her horse forward, they rest followed suit. The people were in shock and Thor would do nothing to Hela for speaking out. She was after all a Queen and despite the blatant disrespect, it was only words. There was no need for significant action.

However, as they continued, he could see farmers, fishermen, single mothers, young girls, and orphaned children alike smile up at Hela with an admiration Thor had never seen before. Perhaps it was that she was a strong figure or because she had spoken against the ‘elite’ and put them in their place, but she had earned their respect as well as those she had berated. She was not weak and had bared her teeth fully intent on delivering the killing blow.

He was proud of her.

When they arrived, Hela had broken down into a panic. Breathing quick and eyes watering, she was agitated and aggressive, but Fenrir was there to help her through it. Thor watched helplessly and Sleipnir had made it a point to give them some privacy. Thor followed as well. It happened often as a child, maybe less so now, but she seemed more than adept at calming herself especially with Fenrir by her side. It took only a few minutes before she was back, eye slightly red and nose a tad flushed, as though nothing had happened.

“Take me to Odin.”

He had.

His mother’s garden where Odin spent the majority of his time was silent. Even as they waited at the doors fully intent on breaking up any fight that might occur, it was quiet. They could only hear low murmurings between Hela and Odin. Perhaps it was that thrumming fury and anger that seemed more terrifying than the shouting. It turned into hours as their voices slowly escalated and ultimately, Thor understood he couldn’t wait no longer.

The night grew ever more near and he had lessons to attend to.

So he guided Fenrir to a guest room and Sleipnir squeezed past and flopped onto Fenrir’s bed. He rubbed at his legs slowly with a grimace. “I do not intend to cut the show short yet. I have much I want to speak with Fenrir.”

“As do I.”

“Well then. Excuse me.” Thor said. “I will send a healer for you. This is not up for discussion.”

“Of course, my King.” Sleipnir added cheekily, almost sarcastically, but Thor understood that he was grateful for it.

He left them to their own devices. He could only hope that Hela would be alright. He would send a guard for her later he supposed, to show her to her room.

Days came and went and he could barely make time to visit Tony. Mainly to see if there was any news or message waiting for him from Loki, but there was none. It was alright, he didn’t have to say anything, he was just glad that Loki was alive. It was then that Tony had told him that Loki didn’t wish to return to Asgard and it was understandable. It simply wasn’t Loki’s home, thought it could be if he wished it to be. If he didn’t, however, Thor would support him.

He discussed it with Loki’s children and they agreed. Whatever made Loki happy. They were simply waiting for the moment Thor gave them the word and they would wait on Midgard while Thor retrieved Loki. After some time, Tony gifted him a sort of communication device that looked awfully similar to what Midgardians used.

“Space phone,” He called it. “Just in case I need to call you and you’re too busy to visit.”

Tony taught him how to use it and it became fairly essential to Thor. He held onto it wherever he went and used it when necessary.

Time moved rapidly up here in Asgard and it was quite some time before he was called down to Midgard. It had been Rhodey who had called him, not Tony. By Heimdall, out of all things it could have been about, he hadn’t expected them to ask him about Valiskioll nor had he expected Jör’s appearance. It was a relief truly.

Honestly, he was surprised at how much more tears he could shed, but Jör had been the first to embrace him as tight as he possibly could and cried into his shoulder. He always had been so sentimental and what else could Thor do than to return it? Rhodey and those who had come with had given them some privacy, thank the Norns, but he didn’t have time. There was no time for anything.

He briefly explained that his siblings were on Asgard and were waiting for Loki’s return. He couldn’t go into detail, but he didn’t have to. Jör had been around enough to know that Loki was missing. Regardless, he offered to take him to Asgard, but Jör refused. He would see his siblings when they came down to Midgard and so Thor told him that if he wished, he could stay with a friend.

“I’ll think about it.” Jör responded. “I mean, it’s Tony Stark you’re talking about.”

“I understand, but the offer still stands.” Thor promised. “He won’t turn you away and if you wish, Rhodey can take you or we could arrange for someone to drive you to Tony’s house.”

“Dude, it’s fine. I have money.” Jör cut him short. “I’ll find my own way to get to his tower. I just- um… I have a small place and I have some stuff there and I’d rather spend some time on my own before shit hits the fan. But I promise, I’ll be there for when my dad comes back.”

“Alright…” Thor gave him a tight hug. “I will have another conversation with you later. I will try to come back as soon as possible.”

His next stop was to visit Tony and let him know of his plans to send Jör to him as well as Loki’s other kids. However, he was distracted by what Tony had to show him. It was a holographic projection of where Loki resided.

As much as it was intended to be for Thor to find out his whereabouts, his attention was solely on Loki and he was torn to see him so beaten down and exhausted. What had he gone through? Where was he? Tony hadn’t told him, but he could infer. Chitauri. Perhaps he was only now free of their clutches. He didn’t want to believe that Loki had most likely been harmed, but he had seen enough war stricken warriors to know a tortured soul.

His skin had the slightest glow- an illusion- covering whatever horrors he had endured, but Thor had lived with him so long that he could recognize it. Not all the time, granted, but whenever he had the time to really examine. Especially now when Thor could see just how fragile Loki’s Seidr was. The illusion was not up to par to what Loki could accomplish. No, it was pitiful in comparison.

Thor scrutinized the ship he was on and Loki’s own focused expression that was hidden under a façade of calmness. The illusion was poorly hidden, but it did it’s job in hiding whatever Loki didn’t want them to see.

“He seems… calm.”

Tony just kept his eyes on Loki silently. There was a certain look that he wore that Thor recognized as fondness and concern. He wondered how he had never seen it before since it was so blatantly obvious. Perhaps he had and he just never acknowledged it.

He didn’t think too much on it, he was just glad that Loki had someone he could rely on though he wouldn’t deny that he was envious. Mainly that it was Tony that Loki saw, not him. But Tony was a good man and had been by both his and Loki’s side since the beginning. Loki deserved someone like him.

And so it was with that thought that Thor attempted getting to Loki and failed. He had an inkling that it wouldn’t work, but it was still a very dissapointing feeling. He would get it next time. Belatedly, he remembered to ask Tony if it was alright that Loki’s children could stay with him for when Loki was finally rescued. Tony, though he seemed deep in thought, agreed nonchalantly.

It was another month before he was ready, but for Tony, perhaps a week. He wondered if Jör was there or if they were even getting along. He had been so headstrong and energetic, but Tony was in some ways the same. Hopefully they wouldn’t butt heads.

He notified the others immediately and they wasted no time in getting to the bifrost as they eager to see Jör and Loki. However as he was preparing to join them, there was a knock on his door and he opened it to see Odin standing wearily on the other side.

“My King.” He spoke lowly, but with the correct amount of respect without sounding sarcastic.

“…Father.” It came out slightly strained as he had not referred to him as such recently. It was the first time they had spoken in months and Odin pressed his lips together and his eyes held a solemn look. “Of what service can I do for you?”

“You-…” His posture was not demanding or strong, it was tired. He seemed to be looking for words to say and it was certainly unnerving to see him at a loss for words. After all, Odin always had something to say. “I do not ask of you much, simply to take me with you. You go to your brother, do you not?”

Thor kept his mouth shut. Either Sleipnir had told him about everything or Hela did, although he doubted the latter. If Hela didn’t say anything, then it was most likely that Fenrir didn’t either.

“I understand your aversion to I, but I wish only to be by your side when you bring him back home.”

“Home is not here. It has never been here.”

Odin’s expression fell slightly. “It was his at one point. Though you are right.”

Thor watched him incline his head slightly. “I am an old man and my years dwindle by so slowly, Thor. I have made so many mistakes-… I have wronged you both, Loki more in so many ways, but know this to be true. I have always loved you both equally though I understand that those words may mean nothing to you now.”

It made Thor’s throat well up. When was the last time Odin ever told him he loved him or Loki? He could count each time on one hand and could remember those moments perfectly. They had come so rarely and sparingly that of course he could remember it. He was sure that Loki did too.

There was a memory of when they went out hunting, just the three of them as young boys, before Sleipnir was ever born. With Loki on one side and Thor on the other, Odin wrapped his arms around them and spoke of marvelous battles and of distant lands full of beauty and wonders. The fire they had made was hot at their feet and they rested against the mossy log behind them. It was as they drifted off to sleep that Odin whispered the words into Loki’s hair and then pressed a chaste kiss on Thor’s brow. It was the only memory he had of Odin ever displaying such affection.

There was another memory that he held dear to him. His mother had Sleipnir in her lap, humming to him a lullaby that would soon be Loki’s. He was only days old, so small and so frail. Thor was laying next to Loki on his bed. The bed trembled with Loki’s stifled sobs and Odin sat at the edge of his bed stroking Loki’s hair and occasionally rubbing his shoulders. “My boy, you must know that I love you. You and Thor both. We will not abandon you.”

But they had let Loki raise the kid without their help. His mother helped as much as possible, but Odin rarely ever spent time caring for the child, although that was how he had raised both Loki and Thor as well. Odin treated them equally at least, just of course without giving a chance for Sleipnir to be shown to the public.

There was one other time, but the memory of that moment was too painful. Thor had heard Odin say it, but it had been far too late for Loki to hear it. Just days after Loki had fallen did he speak those words, but Thor was filled with so much pain and anger that he hadn’t wished to acknowledge it. Why hadn’t he said it before when Loki really needed it?

As always, Odin had been far too late.

He didn’t want Odin to come, but he understood he couldn’t go alone. Loki’s children weren’t used to the power that the Odinforce came with and Tony had to be the tether to send him to Loki and bring them back. Odin had already grown accustomed to that power, but he was still not back to his strength. Thor didn’t know how much help he could be, but if Loki was injured or if Thor needed the extra Seidr boost to send them back, he needed someone to be there.

So with gritted teeth and a sick feeling in his gut, he accepted. “It’s not for you.” He bit out harshly. “It’s for Loki. If I had any choice, you wouldn’t be there.”

Odin didn’t say anything in response.

They made their way to the bifrost in silence to where the others waited patiently. Hela didn’t looked pleased, but there was a knowing look on her face. He wondered if the reason for Odin wanting to be there for Loki was because something she had said. After all, he inclined his head subtly in a show of respect to her and she pursed her lips and turned away. Her shoulders were stiff with tension and Odin seemed more than somber.

It made him curious to what she had said. From experience, he knew that her words would have been harsh and cruel. Such a shame he wasn’t there to see it. It would have been an Asgard shattering experience, he was sure.

They arrived on Midgard in little time and Thor was surprised to see through the windows Jör and Tony covered in head to toe in flour and laughing on the floor. It was nice to see them get along, though he was worried at what sort of mischief they might have caused. The second they noticed their presence, they froze.

Jör was the first to speak. “Um… hi?”

“Christ.” Tony quickly added. His eyes were focused on Sleipnir and a thousand emotions crossed his face too quick for Thor to really understand.

It didn’t matter as Jör’s expression brightened with a wide smile and ran to his other siblings. They each took a turn hugging the daylights out of the poor boy and looking at one another, examining and pointing out how much they’ve changed. Odin stood nearby, a calm and fond smile on his face and raised an eyebrow at Tony when he came up to greet him.

“Didn’t expect you here old man.” Tony teased and Odin grunted in irritation.

Thor made eye contact with him and nodded. It was time. Tony’s expression lit up with both anxiety and excitement.

“Where have you been?” Hela was asking Jör. “We thought you were dead.”

“Sadly yes, I died.” Jör said dramatically. “But then I lived.” Sleipnir made a face in confusion, but the other two rolled their eyes, clearly used to Jör’s antics. “I jumped from place to place, not really living anywhere. I only had that bag,” He pointed at his shaggy bag of belongings. “And my wit.”

Hela snorted. “So not much then.”

Jör pouted and then he turned to Thor. “So we gonna go get my dad now?”

“I intend to.”

“Great!” Tony turned to Thor and wiped his face with some cloth and tried to clean himself up a bit. “I have my suit ready and-.”

“My friend. You won’t be coming with me.” Thor interrupted him.

Tony’s face dropped and his expression closed off. He waited a few seconds and then laughed awkwardly. “What do you mean I’m not going? Of course I’m coming. Did you forget who’s been helping you out and working their ass off to go get Loki?”

Thor frowned and held his hands out placatingly. “I have not forgotten all that you have done for us. I just can’t take you. You won’t survive and I need you here to guide us back.”

Tony glared at him and took a step back from his touch. “What the fuck? You couldn’t have told me this earlier? What if he’s hurt, what if you need me, or-.”

“That’s why Odin is here.” Thor winced. “And I do need you, but I need you here.”

His lips pulled downwards and his hands started to shake and he shifted back and forth nervously. His chest was moving rapidly. “Thor, please. I get that you wanna help, Odin- but I’ve been more than invested in Loki’s safety- more than you have. I deserve to be there for him. I can figure something out. Just- please I can’t- I need to be there.” He crossed his arms over his chest almost like he was protecting his arc reactor subconsciously. His breathing was quick.

Jörmungandr reached out to him, but Tony stepped away from his touch, almost like he had been burned. “Tony? You okay man?”

“I’m sorry I just…” Tony looked up at Thor with a pleading expression. “Please. I need to be there.”

It was like the pieces started to fit together. Every confusing thing that Tony’s said, all his reactions, the occasional odd look in his eyes, the way his tone shifted when he talked about Loki. It wasn’t like the others- like Natasha or Steve and it wasn’t even like Clint, Tony reacted differently. His reactions felt more personal in a way that had rubbed him the wrong way the entire time out of confusion, but now Thor understood.

“You love him.” Thor whispered in realization.

Tony’s jaw clenched as an expression of fear came over his face. He didn’t look like he was breathing and that was enough to confirm that statement. He glanced at Odin and then back at Thor. “Is it bad if I do?”

“Oop-.” Jör covered his mouth, but when no one reacted he let out a dejected sigh. “You guys have no idea how funny that was...”

Hela clicked her tongue. “Do be quiet, brother. He’s in the middle of asking Odin for our father’s hand.”

“What?! Ew.”

Sleipnir slapped a hand over Jör’s mouth and laughed under his breath with a slight flush in his cheeks.

“Do carry on.” Fenrir added, lips twitching.

"Oh yes, yes!" Hela waved Jör off. "Don't mind him."

“No, no, no. I’m not asking for his hand!” Tony’s face went red.

“Stark.” Odin spoke low enough to stop the other chatter in the room. “Though I am glad that you have these sentiments, I’m afraid that it isn’t enough for you to place yourself in such a dangerous situation.” He didn’t seem at all perturbed by Tony’s declaration of love and truthfully, Thor was still reeling in shock.

Tony tried to argue. “But-.”

“If you have truly been by Loki’s side this entire time, then I am sure Loki would never forgive us nor you for allowing you to die.”

Tony’s shoulder’s slumped.

Odin’s voice was final. “You have waited this long, I simply ask for you to wait only a few minutes more.”

He nodded slowly and dropped his arms to the side.

Snapping out of it, Thor grabbed onto Odin’s arm and then rested his hand on Tony’s chest. Like last time, Tony swallowed nervously and took a few calming breaths whilst gripping Thor’s wrist tightly.

This time, it was much easier to focus on the destination in his mind. There was so much energy thrumming underneath his skin and electricity bouncing off his fingers and they were traveling great distances in only a few seconds. The ground felt different beneath him and Thor opened his eyes and let go of Odin’s shaking arm. It had worked, but Thor felt absolutely exhausted. Every part of him ached and it was difficult to stand on his own two feet.

Thor inhaled sharply and at the sight before him.

It was cold here, freezing to the point where his skin tightened and prickled and his breath came out white as can be. Everything looked barren and worse for wear. Wrappers of preserved food lay empty on the ground and on the walls, he could see handprints smeared about in black like it was charred. There was an intimidating dent and a splatter of blood like someone had punched it and then even food molding from where it lay on the ground or even stuck to the wall and ceiling.

It was like someone had snapped.

He sent a nervous look at Odin, but he wore kept a stoic look despite the not so hidden sharpness in his eyes. He was good at his poker faces, but Thor knew he was an incredibly emotional man and he could see it as clear as day when others may not. He didn’t point it out and turned his gaze away.

There. He almost looked past it, but a sliver of black hair caught his attention. There was a blanket covering up something incredibly small, but strands of hair poked out and there was movement as the blanket rose and fell again. Breathing.

Loki.

The floor was icy beneath his footing and he carefully maneuvered closer to where he saw the hidden figure on a makeshift coft. His father made his way just as carefully, but quicker than Thor and without the usual grace or patience.

His own eyes stung with tears and his throat welled up in anxiousness as he watched him put a delicate hand on the form and shake lightly as if bringing him out of sleep like he had done to them as children. Loki’s name was a whisper, but desperately spoken and shaky.

Also desperate to touch, Thor reached out to the tightly curled figure- which couldn’t have been comfortable to sleep like- and place a hand to where he believed the side of his chest would be. Cold. It was terribly cold. Freezing almost and his stomach began to sink.

When there was no response, his father spoke Loki’s name again with more volume and moved to pull the blanket from Loki’s tight grip. Gentle, something he didn’t think was possible for his father, he pulled the blanket down just enough down his shoulders to assure themselves that yes this was Loki and see that he was still alive.

But even as they could see his scrunched up expression and tousled hair and breathed a sigh of relief that he was alive, they were both surprised to see the marks on his face and blue nature of his skin. Thor had never seen him like this and he wasn’t going to admit that it rattled him, but this was his brother and Loki had always been a certain type of beauty that he’s always admired. He was still that same lithe and sharp tongued man- still bore the thin nose and lips- this part of him was just as beautiful as any other feature that Loki possessed, regardless of the truth now laid bare before them.

But while he and his father were stunned into silence, wondering if this was reality, that they had truly found Loki, they could see that there were dry tear tracks on Loki’s face. His face was shallow and thin and eyes were bruised and purple. He was so frail and sickly.

There was a sad sigh besides him that drew his attention.

He had only seen Odin so vulnerable few times in his life. After the funeral of his grandchildren, Narfi and Vali, in the safety of his quarters out of sight of prying eyes and then when Loki had let go from Gungnir. There had been a brief moment where Thor had seen his eyes glossy with tears and the tremble in his shoulders, but he had remained cold and strong even as Thor himself cried in both those cases.

He had seen Odin cry only once before. When the death his mother occured, never would he forget the way Odin had dropped to ground and cradled her, the shaking in his hands, the tears rolling onto her cold cheek, and muttering broken whispers into her hair.

Now he could say he had seen him cry twice in his life. It’s a shame that Loki couldn’t see it. Perhaps it would have made him happy to see him in such pain as a result of him. Or maybe he would have been angry, he wasn’t too sure.

So it was with a shaking hand that Odin pulled the rest of his blanket down and they both bore witness to the ugly mess of scars and open wounds that had turned inflamed and red with irritation. They were infected.

“We need to get him back now.” Thor’s voice was hoarse.

“It will bring him great pain if we move him now.” Odin murmured. His hands hovered down Loki’s bony frame and there was a warm glow underneath his hands. Loki whimpered, but it was horribly guttural and pained. Not once did his eyes open. Maybe it was for the best. The pain when he awoke would surely be overwhelming.

Hesitating, Thor rested a hand on his matted hair. When his skin didn’t burn, he let out a sigh of relief to know that Loki didn’t feel threatened by him to ignite his skin, but that relief quickly disappeared when he realized that maybe Loki was too tired- too out of it to even burn him- to protect himself.

As Odin worked to help him, Thor worked on slowing his breathing and ran his fingers through Loki’s dark strands hoping that it would provide some comfort. He used to love having his hair touched. Their mother had done it all the time when they were children. It’s a shame Thor didn’t remember their lullaby too well.

It went by slowly and by the time he was done, Odin’s face was a sheen of sweat, but Loki looked better now. He didn't look nearly on death's door, but he would admit that he was slightly disappointed to see Loki's Jotun form disappear. It was beautiful, but Loki would most likely not appreciate being seen like that.

Odin touched his shoulder, a grounding presence, and spoke in a raspy voice. “His inflammation has gone down and I fixed very little else, but I numbed as much as I could. I will hold him.”

“You can barely hold yourself-.”

“And you cannot do it either.” Odin pointed out. “You need as much strength as possible to bring us back.”

Thor silently removed his cape at the same time Odin removed his. Together, they covered Loki with it to provide him some modesty and to get rid of the dirty and tattered excuse of a blanket. It would be warmer than that too.

With that, Odin leaned over and carefully picked him up and laid Loki’s head on his shoulder and put his hands under him. With very little strength, Odin lifted him up and it was clear that it had been far too easy to pick him up because of Loki’s weight. It made his heart twist even more.

“I’ve got you, son. I’ve got you.” Odin spoke low into Loki’s hair and it felt like something Thor wasn’t supposed to hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you guys genuinely think about this type of POV? I like the advantages it gives me in writing out some things, but I wanna see how you guys receive it. Please let me know what you guys thought about this chapter! As always, see you next chapter!


	28. Convergence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dealing with the aftermath of his confession, Tony spends a little time with his kids before a certain someone’s arrival. But with every good thing, there comes bad things and Tony’s just tired of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please look at trigger warnings at the bottom of the page

It came as a thought and then it was suddenly out there for the world to hear. It hung there almost mockingly, but he didn’t want to wave it off because it was the truth. Though not something he had meant to say, it was and now he was stuck with Loki’s children staring at him wide-eyed, excited, and mildly teasing. Still covered in flour from his and Jör's poor attempts at baking, he must look crazy right now.

Well… he sorta knew what Jör thought of him since they had gotten along far too quickly and surprisingly well and become friends - or rather more like a mentor slash parental figure to him. No. More like he was a mentor because there was no way he could be a parental figure to him. Jör was just a snippet of what Tony could have been if he had the freedom away from the press and pressure of the Stark name.

The kid was bright, brash, and so very young. Granted he wasn’t the brightest, but he wasn’t stupid either. In just a short amount of time, it felt like Jör had really grown on him. They bickered and annoyed one another and Tony did things to needlessly torment the boy and Jör would do so back. A mischevious streak that he assumed Loki had way back then.

For example, Tony would purposely order spicy food just to watch Jör’s face grow red and his eyes water as he chewed, too stubborn to admit he couldn’t handle it. “Wow! Amazing! Absolutely superb.” Jör said too exaggerated and applauding all the same. His face was scrunched up far too much to be considered dainty as a sarcastic rendition of a rich and pompous old bastard. His face was still puffy and eyes teary.

“Shut up.” Tony lightly shoved at his face with indignation and found himself smiling at the muffled sound Jör made.

On the other end, Jör would obnoxiously chew with his mouth open, purposely leave doors open, leave his shit around- socks in his cupboards, random trinkets that look to be from the Middle Ages, shirts hanging from his ceiling lights in his workshop. They drive each other insane, but for people who've only known each other for so little time, it felt like they’ve known each other for years.

He was a normal kid.

A normal kid who just found out that Tony had very deep romantic feelings for his parent. His face was twisted into something akin to amusement even if it was slightly grossed out at the idea. And frankly, he didn’t even know it himself, but he should have known that his feelings were a bit more than just platonic. It was right in his face the whole time and he didn’t want to take it back. He couldn’t. It was even painful to think about it. He just didn’t expect it to be infront of Loki’s kids, brother, and infront of Odin too.

“So…” Jör drawled out, shoving his way out of the clinging hold of his sister who was still fussing over him in a way that left his cheeks slightly tinted pink. “You wanna be our daddy?”

Tony choked on his spit. The brat knew exactly what he said if the shit grin he wore was any indication. Still, it left him reeling. “What? I-, that’s not- no. I-.”

“How do you even love him? I mean- when? Why?” Jör walked behind the sofa and ran his hand through Sleipnir’s long hair from where he was sitting down and fidgeting with his hands.

He had Friday lower the brightness to give him some time to think about the question. Sleipnir took off the eye-glasses he was wearing and his eyes were stunningly light blue as he peered at him curiously.

“What do you mean?” Tony asked. “It just- I’m… I just do. It just happened.”

The kid’s face twisted in discomfort.

With a wave of her hand, the flour completely disappeared from both Jör and him, leaving them both looking clean and fixed up. She took the seat besides Sleipnir and as she reached out to hold his hands steady she also made a point to all of them that she was listening. Her head cocked to the side and her eyebrow raised. She was clearly waiting for an answer, but Tony shifted awkwardly and broke his gaze from hers. What exactly was it that they were looking for?

Sleipnir had yet to make a sound or even speak for that matter since he's arrived and his expression was hidden from view. It was hard to really guess what exactly was going on through his mind, but Tony felt unnerved in his presence. Just the sight of him was making his insides twist and his own yearning that much more present. He looked far too similar to Loki for his comfort.

Sleipnir and Hela both.

She looked similar to him too, but even then it wasn’t her looks that made him squirm. It was the hollow blankness in her eyes that promised of death and horrors untold. While, he understood that it might not be a threat considering that she’s been noticeably kind and respectful to Tony, she was still a Queen in all her right. The Queen of the underworld- of Hell essentially. And from he had seen, it wasn’t a place where weak willed and soft people could thrive.

It was clear in her eyes that she was anything, but weak.

For all that Loki had told him about her separation and abandonment issues, physical health, and shy nature, it was evident that she was the most dangerous of everyone here. He could see that her shyness transitioned into a quiet analytical characteristic that reminded him of Nat. Her physical health was hidden away from prying eyes so well that if he hadn’t already known about it, he would’ve been none the wiser. But it was her anxiety and deep-rooted dependence that transformed into something more possessive and controlling and dark and even now he could see it.

His mother had been the same way with him and he could see her in Hela's way of acting.

Hela never let Fenrir stray too far, she was always hovering over Sleipnir and she absolutely did not let Jör go ten minutes without a hug or touch or something to prove that he belonged to her. It was unhealthy. Jör was already suffocating and Sleipnir was a bit hunched into himself. Fenrir, though, did not seem to have any problem with it. Eyes carefully blank, posture calm, and face neutral. He was a blank canvas and it was also something that unnerved Tony.

Tony hasn’t had enough time to really understand or get to know him, but he could just tell that he had no astounding personality. His conversational skills consisted of grunts, short nods, and the occasional eloquent sentence, but that’s it. He had the personality of a brick.

Fenrir shifted his stance as he shot a glance to his siblings. “Apologies, but I believe that he wants to know when did you fall in love with our father considering that he was not here, but up there.” He pointed upwards with a sarcastic air about him.

Tony pressed his lips together in irritation. “My arc reactor,” He put a hand over chest and forced his voice to not sound so annoyed. “I touched one of those bracelets that Loki handed out and I have a bit of his mojo in here.”

He caught Sleipnir’s curious gaze and he looked away quickly with his mouth slightly dry. “I uh… - dreams. I’ve been having dreams with him in it- not those type!” He clarified when Jör grimaced and gagged exaggeratingly. “Listen- I don’t know how to explain it, but it was like we were on a whole other plain of existence and he was there. Like a sanctuary or something.” He trailed off awkwardly.

“Ah.” Hela murmured. “You should have said something sooner.” Her jaw clenched.

Tony couldn’t help the glare on his face. “How was I supposed to know any better? I didn’t even know if any of that was real and especially since you told us he was dead.” He snapped.

“I,” She growled under her breath, “can see many things, but I simply made the most reasonable judgement.”

“That he was dead? How optimistic.”

“There was nothing left of him!” Hela sneered. “A bloody limb and a damn bracelet. I couldn’t sense him in Hel so I assumed he was in Valhalla which is one of the few places my touch cannot reach. I am banned from it you know.”

Jör grumbled in irritation. “We all are. You’re not special.”

Fenrir snarled from his place.

“Oh shut up. We get it, but come on man. I know what she said and I’m not all that happy with pops, but if she really had eyes everywhere then how come she never knew he was alive? How come she never said anything about Thanos or the Chitauri or literally anything else?”

“The balance-.”

“Is for pussies.” Jör interrupted him. “Bunch of fucking lame excuses for people who don’t want to do jack shit.”

Tony wasn’t sure if he wanted to thank the kid or join in on Sleipnir’s not so subtle laughter. Whether Sleipnir was finding Jör’s crude vocabulary hilarious or enjoying the chaos slowly arising, he wasn’t really sure. Although if he really was as mischievous as Thor and Loki had mentioned, then maybe both.

Regardless, Tony found himself enjoying Jör being on his side more than he should be. Granted, he didn’t expect him to call out either of them or defend him, but it was still welcomed.

“And I get it, Hela, you wanna make yourself seem stronger and more all knowing than you really are, but there’s no one to beat here. You have us. You’ll have all of us, but you don’t have to manipulate us to make sure we’ll stay with you. That’s not how that works!” Jör waved his hands about. “I’m a dumbass, but I’m not an idiot and I know you. You had dad wrapped around your finger and you have Fenrir at your beck and call, but as much as he is a dog, he’s not your bitch.”

Sleipnir was doubling over and completely enveloped in fits of laughter. His cackles were almost as entertaining as Jör’s rants. However, as much as he was enjoying it, Jör was right. It didn’t take a genius to see how desperately she was trying to gain control over the situation by both subtle and unsubtle means. She was still young though, practically a teenager and he could see that all that was just an attempt at making sure she would never be abandoned.

It wasn’t a clean analysis, but Tony would pat himself on the back for making such a psychological observation. Abandonment issues paired up with childhood trauma, deep rooted insecurities and physical health issues did not make for a good combination. Still, he could commend her for being such a strong person and willing to do anything to come out as the winner in the end. But Jör was still right, there was no battle to win at the moment. They weren’t fighting for their lives or places in the universe anymore.

Asgard was open to them, Jötunheim is available for them to find closure, and Thor had changed and he was sure that Hela ripped Odin a new one from what he’s heard, and finally they were going to have Loki back. Things were looking good. It just seemed like Hela was havin trouble accepting that.

Her expression was carefully blank, but her eyes screamed skepticism.

Unfortunately, she didn’t get the chance to say anything because the tower trembled and there was an intense pull and snap in his chest that had Tony gasping for air. He stood up in his seat and clenched his arc reactor as the familiar warmth he’d come to know was strangely hot. His skin buzzed and his hands were shaking. It was without looking over that he knew that they were back. Looking up only confirmed it. Thor was standing with Odin by his side. Despite both looking weary and broken down, he paid them no mind and instead was drawn to the sleeping figure held in Thor’s arms.

Tony held his breath and his heartbeat sounded far too loud in his ears. He had dreamt of this moment and waited for this for so long that he wasn’t ever sure it would come. It wasn’t at all what he imagined though and reality came crashing down.

The others pushed past him to crowd them and Tony stayed back with Jör to avoid crowding him.

Loki was held carefully as can be in his arms looking much too pale despite his skin covered in blue, and as unhealthy as one could be. His closed eyes had a sunken appearance and his breath came out shallow. The capes- both Odin and Thor's- completely drowned him as he shivered away despite the fact that those heavy pieces of fabric would be more than enough to keep him warm.

He looked scrawny, younger than anyone in this room and was all skin and bones. A corpse on death’s door.

Tony knew bits and pieces, but now it really cemented what Loki had gone through.

Absolute torture.

It really went as a blur, too surreal for Tony to even process. His kids crowded them, all eager and teary eyed while Tony hung at the back with Jör nervously. He didn’t know if he could touch Loki or if he even had a right to be there. His kids had spent centuries and Tony hadn’t really spent too long waiting in comparison. Still, he felt envious and impatient with waiting for a chance to actually see him, regardless if Loki wasn't even conscious. Focusing on not completely breaking down in tears, he nudged Jör forward.

"He's your father too." He had to clear his throat a few times and it was horribly difficult to look away from Loki. It felt like he could disappear at any second.

Jör grimaced with both fear as his posture grew reluctant. He hunched into himself and scuffed the floor with his shoe - basic white shoes with a crudely painted rainbow on the side as apposed to his siblings with traditional black boots that Thor and many others wore up in Asgard.

"Don't know if I should." Jör muttered under his breath.

"Why not?" Tony frowned at him.

"We had a fight before we were all separated." He turned a little red in the face. "I blamed him what happened to… you know, Narfi and Vali. Didn't mean it, but… yeah."

Well that explained that. Tony inwardly sighed. "If you think that he doesn't want to see you, then I don't think that's the case. He loves you bud. Don't think that's ever gonna change."

It took some more prodding before he finally mustered some courage to go see him.

First things first, they set him up in the infirmary in a sterile room with bright white lights and attached him to an IV drip and a heart monitor and other medical equipment. It wasn’t Asgard’s level of healing, but it would do until they had an actual doctor come in. Or in other words, a healer from Asgard once Odin or Thor notified them on what exactly they needed.

Since he was still wrapped in the capes provided to him, the extent of his health was undetermined and no one dared to see what lay underneath. No one knew exactly what he had gone through, but Tony had an inkling. They all did.

Hela hogged the majority of space, planting herself firmly to his side and practically sitting on the bed to try and maintain as much physical contact as possible. His skin color and looks didn't deter her once. Her hands carefully cradled Loki's head and her lip wobbled and her eyes filled with unshed tears. Fenrir rubbed her back comfortingly and wiped his own face, sniffing and trying to hide it fruitlessly.

Sleipnir was on the other side, not as aggressive with his affection, but still just as shocked, trembling with too much emotion. He pressed his face into Loki's shoulder, hiding like a child and holding his-… charred hand that seemed so easily breakable.

Seidr burnout.

Jor's voice was mournful as he hesitantly brushed his fingers over Loki's sharp cheekbone. "Oh dad, the hell you've been through?"

"The worst kind." Hela answered, voice raspy and spoken in a hollow tone.

"Don’t crowd him, he needs room." Odin murmured.

"Don't touch me." Hela snarled at him and Odin pulled back to stare coldly from the entrance. He was clearly irate, but willing to give them space.

Sleipnir nudged her off of their father with a scolding look.

Thor outstretched his hand to her instead. "Come now. We have much to discuss and Loki needs a peaceful rest."

Thor glanced over to him and gave a short nod with a loaded look. As much as Tony would have felt embarrassed by that, he was still too hyperaware of Loki. It didn't feel real. His hands were shaking, his limbs felt numb, his mouth dry… it was too much.

"I'll keep Boss notified." Friday assured Thor and he nodded.

Jor brushed against him lightly, in a reassuring way that made him smile that felt more like a wince.

Odin, on the other hand, patted his shoulder and spoke low under his voice. "Take care of him."

It felt strange and weighted, but Tony didn’t' pay attention to it.

As soon as Thor and Odin stepped out to let the kids know and update them about the conditions they had found him in, Tony took the time to really look at him.

He was gaunt and so very frail. He looked bad, maybe worse than what Tony had looked back after Afghanistan, but he was here and he was alive. Tony reached out carefully to grab his calloused and burned hand and god he was so cold, but his hand was solid and firm. Tony sat down at the edge of the bed. His hands sat carefully on Loki’s cheek as he slept completely unaware. His hair was dirty and clumped, but Tony ran his fingers lightly over it anyways. It was almost like any touch could bring him pain and that was the last thing that he ever wanted to do.

“You have no idea how long I’ve waited for you.” He admitted, devoid of the turmoil he was feeling inside.

It was like all that tension snapped and it came out in one slow breath. He sagged into himself feeling emotionally tired and limbs too heavy. He hadn't realized how much tension he was actually holding onto until seeing Loki here finally in a safe place and within Tony's touch. The relief came all at once. An invigorating feeling overwhelmed him and his chest buzzed with far too much warmth and longing.

Tony choked on a sob and pressed a shaky kiss on the corner of Loki's mouth. It was cold. He pressed his forehead against Loki’s and he felt Loki’s hand twitch- lightly squeezing his in return.

Tony shot back in surprise. "Lokes?"

Loki's eyebrows furrowed together like in pain and shifted just a bit that was only really noticeable by the way a strand of hair fell into his face. The whole time, Tony held his breath. He thought he wouldn't wake up so soon, but when a few seconds passed and nothing happened, Tony felt his shoulders drop.

"He's in pain." Friday spoke and her voice was far too loud.

"Hang in there. We'll fix you up." Tony carefully tucked his hair behind his hair and ran his thumb over his cheek. "So just take your time. I'll still be here."

It felt like those few minutes he had with Loki weren't nearly enough. Soon enough, the kids came back in red eyed and solemnly quiet. Thor met his eyes and motioned for him to come out. With another brief squeeze that Loki didn't reciprocate this time, Tony tore himself from his side. Realistically, He knew that he wouldn't be waking any time soon, but it felt weird to leave him alone.

Not alone, his mind helpfully added. Loki had his four children surrounding him and keeping him company, he didn’t need Loki. Heart in his throat and feeling an ache in his chest, he stepped outside the room and allowed Fenrir to close the door after him.

"I've already notified Heimdall, the healers should be here any second."

They didn't have to wait too long before the tower trembled again with the force of the bifrost opening. As the two healers paid their respects to both Odin and Thor and gave a respectful acknowledgement to Tony, they entered the room quietly.

"Would the kids have to leave so they can privately examine Loki?"

"No." Thor murmured. "They will do a Soul Forge to see into him and although it does display something, it's particularly hard to read unless strictly trained on it. They won't see or know a thing until they tell us."

"Then what do you know now?"

Right away, Odin launched into a list of things they knew about Loki's state so far. The healers would only confirm those things and let them know if there was anything else that they had to look out for. However, Odin ultimately knew more about Jötun biology for it to make any sense and for Tony to really know the seriousness of Loki's condition. Thor stayed quiet and distant throughout it like his mind was elsewhere.

Starting with the more concerning bits, he was evidently starved and they would have to ease him into foods. His weight was frightening to begin with, not to mention his scrawny figure and bloated stomach from malnutrition, he was still on death’s bed alone from that. Then there was the infections from horrid wounds that had never been treated to begin with.

His seidr, also, was dangerously low to the point where he couldn’t even maintain his Aesir form which should have been second nature to him, something he could do without realizing. Thing was, he had burned out, but he didn’t know what exactly that meant. Sure Loki had explained it, but why had he burned out? It sure as hell wasn’t to heal himself or to even send himself here- was it the dreamscape? No that couldn’t be it. He’s never shown any burnout or even mentioned that the sanctuary took a lot out of him. What then?

That would have to be something to figure out later.

"He'll be alright." Thor finally said. "A lot of his scars look bad, but they don't pose a threat. With Aesir healing and Friday overlooking him, Loki will be back to normal."

He said it with a smile that didn't reach his eyes. It was naïve to think that Loki would be alright or even be like he used to be. He had been through so much trauma in so little time.

He had been tortured once before, manipulated into doing something horrendous, gone on the run, and then gotten captured and then tortured again. Not to mention spending an eternity floating through space with no actual human interaction - Tony didn’t count, especially when the whole time they both thought each other were fake - and who knows how that would affect someone's psyche.

But it was positive thinking and right now, they needed to believe it. If they went into this thinking Loki would come out broken, then that's exactly what would happen. They needed to be there for him and provide him with resources he can rely on.

There was some shouting and loud voices coming out of the room that drew his attention. The two healers came out with the triplets right on their heels absolutely fuming.

"-We deserve to know!"

"-He is our father you witch."

"Why I never-!" The lady gasped out and held onto her partner.

Thor moved forward to step infront of the healer as Tony moved to grab Jör. Hela and Fenrir were out of his reach and even then, he wouldn't dare and try to stop either of them.

"Calm down this instant." Odin commanded. "What is the meaning of this?"

Jör pointed an accusing finger at the two. "They're not telling us what exactly they saw in the soul forge, not even a confirmation."

Tony gripped his arms firmly and frowned at him. "Look I know you're worried, but your dad is exhausted and he needs rest. This is not the right way to go about this. If you wanna argue, bring it out here. Don't push your immature outbursts on him."

"We're not children." Hela growled.

"Then stop acting like it." Tony snapped.

There was an uncomfortable silence following that. It was interrupted by then the click of a door shutting close and a stifled laugh that sounded just like Loki. Sleipnir leaned against the closed door to Loki's room with curly hair falling to one side as he tilted his head at them.

"He's right ya know." He spoke for the first time since he's arrived and his voice was deep, but child sounding. Like the words came out awkwardly and felt foreign in his mouth. "We all wanna know how Loki is- doing I mean…" He cleared his throat. "Just be patient. Your screechy voices are the last thing he's going to wanta- want to hear."

Tony couldn’t tear his eyes away from him even when he knew he should. It was just… strange and surreal. He had this manner of speaking that was full of attitude and yet it was spoken hesitantly. Considering he hasn't really spoken in centuries, it made sense. Still. He sounded like Loki, but wasn't exactly like him and it was still tripping him out.

Thor hummed. "Healers are bound to privacy and have given an oath, but it's my fault in hindsight for not extending it to you all." He motioned for the healers to speak. "Please, confirm what we already know."

The two nodded and gave a rundown of what they already knew. It wasn't good, but it was a relief to have confirmation of what they needed to do.

"Now we must go over the rest." The lady said. "The matters of healing and treatments and other details."

"In that case," Sleipnir spoke and turned to his siblings. "Go back inside with Loki." Sleipnir motioned to the three. "I'll stay outside with Father and brother and him. Uh- him, Mr. Stark sir…" He sighed. "You know what I mean. I'll stay out here."

The two of them nodded and hastily made their way back inside. Jör patted Sleipnir's shoulder and muttered a quick praise for his speaking and followed the others.

"Well my dear brother? Do allow them to finish."

The lady talked aloud to Thor. "May we state the rest of Prince Loki's condition now?"

Tony looked at him in surprise. Ah that's right. Thor ordered told them to confirm what they already knew, not to say everything else. "You didn't want his kids to hear." With the exception of Sleipnir of course. "Why?"

"For they are young." Odin answered instead. "Maturity from trauma does not mean that they are exempt from childish reactions. They are still adolescents after all and hormones are still present."

Sleipnir nodded. "This was only an example of that." He shrugged nonchalantly. "Loki's their father after all."

"Then why are you still here?"

Thor laughed half-heartedly. "Sleipnir's older and is more of Loki and I’s brother than nephew or son. His time as a stallion restricted his speaking and health, not his cognitive abilities to learn or mature as we all do. Besides, I would never be able to pull something like that with him."  


"We both grew up with Loki." Sleipnir added with a grin. "We know those moves."

Still, it was a sly move on Thor's part that only served as a reminder that Thor still had some tricks up his sleeve. It was just strange that Sleipnir seemed to recognize it just as well.

"Very well." The healer said. "There are a small number of fractures and broken bones of which hadn’t been set correctly. Presumably by his own hand."

“Jesus.” Tony rubbed his mouth as his heart sunk with the realization that the entire time Loki had been out there, he had been suffering so much and Tony hadn’t noticed the extent of it. Loki had been alone, setting his own broken bones and pushing past his pain to put up a strong front.

"A lot of his wounds that haven't healed are consistent with torture and although we know that you must have had an inkling of that, there is one other concerning thing." She took a small breath. "His organs seemed to have undergone tremendous strain and scarring."

Tony frowned. "What does that mean?"

"Regrowth." Odin said coldly.

"Indeed." She said. "Organ removal, experimentation, or some other heinous crime in which there were parts of him that have been constantly put under strain to heal or regrow."

"Fuck." Tony felt sick to his stomach.

Thor grabbed his shoulder to keep him steady. "Please remain. We must hear this all now or we will never be able to know the rest of it."

Tony nodded. He didn't want to, but he had to push through it.

"Our tests also show that he's been repeatedly drained of seidr and drugged in high amounts. It's unsure if he's developed a dependency or not. For now, he will have to slowly learn how to control it again. We would love to restrict it, but it seems as though any attempt at doing so will result in it fighting back. He will have to constantly release that energy or it could result in destruction. It may have already happened once."

"Is that it?" Odin asked.

"I… no." She shuffled and looked at her partner once more.

The man cleared his throat and his eyes looked weary. "We found an anal fissure- tearing in his rectum from penetration as well as mutilation of his female genetalia, but evidence indicated that the damage to the female genetalia is old and most likely happened when he was younger."

Sleipnir's voice was strangled. "He was raped?"

"It is most likely-."

"Wait." Tony raised his hand. "No, no. We are not skipping over that last part."

"Tony." Thor tried to talk, but Tony interrupted him.

"No! Don't Tony me. What happened to him? Why-Why is he-? What happened to that part? Why is he mutilated down there?"

Thor grabbed his arms to hold him upright. "Breathe. You're going to pass out. This happened centuries ago."

"You knew?" He asked, voice shaking far too much.

Sleipnir peered over Thor's shoulder at him. "We all did. It just wasn't our place to say something so private. Loki never wanted anyone to know."

"Come." Odin motioned for him.

"I'm not going to-."

"It's not a request." He interrupted. Odin turned to the healers. "Is that all?"

"Yes. It's just the plans for treatment now."

Thor nudged him over to Odin and Tony silently followed him into another room.  


"How many times will I find out how badly you guys have failed him?" Tony's voice was venomous. "Just when I think it couldn't have been worse."

"Sit down, Anthony." Odin sounded exhausted. "Let me tell you what happened."

"I think I'd rather stay standing up, no thank you." Tony really tried to understand how so much horror could have been inflicted on Loki. It didn’t make sense. He couldn’t see the same reason for any of it. “How?” His eyes burned horribly with pain for all that Loki had gone through and many of which Tony knew he would never know.

“You know Jötun biology, no? About their abilities to change between gender?” At his nod, Odin continued. “They are born with both and eventually grow to change into what they feel the most comfortable with. Gender and sexuality are fluid and are not bound by certain rules like in Asgard nor Midgard. Loki still hadn’t reached that point as he was too young, however, after the incident, he was forced to take on the role he has now-.”

“Because he feels the safest in it.” Tony concluded bitterly. So that’s why he hates his Jötun form because he never learned how to hide it in that form.

Odin didn’t seem at all annoyed with Tony interrupting him. He just withered away more and more every time. “Has Loki told you something. Anything about that night?”

“How do you know that Loki and I were in contact?”

“Sleipnir kept me updated.” Odin explained. “But about that night.”

“I think I would know if he mentioned being mutilated-.” Tony cut himself off and his eyes went wide.

No, wait. There had been something.

They were talking about Seidr and it’s properties and they were going deep into analysis about the world and gods and so forth. It was way back then, right after Rhodey had told him about that strange pattern of deaths and eighth after his talk with Steve about using his shield for the Vibranium in it.

_“Black veins would crawl up my skin starting from the ends of my hands and feet and as it continues to expand, my limbs begin to burn and char. They rot away essentially.”_

_Tony was given some time to process. “Have you experienced it?” He whispered._

_“Once. As a child.” Loki admitted. “There was a guard and he had a vendetta against Odin. He thought it would be best to kidnap the youngest prince in exchange for whatever else he had wanted.” He spoke cooly and almost detached from himself. “I was changing into my sleepwear as it was late. Everyone else was already asleep. I was naked and he had snuck in. I- he…”_

_Stark shook his head frantically. “Fuck. You don’t have to.”_

_“He did something to me. Not what you think, but worse. He mutilated me after he realized I was- that I had-.” Loki gave up. “I was young and the pain had triggered my Seidr to awaken far sooner than it should have. I lit this room up in flames and he burned along with it.”_

He would go on to explain how his death went. He had been young. Only four centuries, but converted into human age, he would’ve been six.

“Ah. So he did mention something to you…” Odin concluded in Tony’s silence. “I had always expected those angered to take revenge against me, to draw blood and tears from no one else. No one would dare after all, but I was proven wrong and my son paid the price for it.”

“He was just a kid.” Tony couldn’t stop his eyes from watering and his throat from clenching. “Fuck, he was just a kid!” He pressed his lips together tightly and squeezed his eyes shut. Crying infront of Odin wasn’t something he wanted to do, but when he saw his strangled and grieving expression, he realized that maybe this pain was shared.

God, did he want to blame him, blame Odin for every monstrosity that had happened to Loki, but Odin didn’t do it to him. His neglect had paved the way for so much to happen, but it wasn’t his fault alone. He wasn’t the one to sneak into Loki’s room- not the one who tortured Loki or even took part in it.

He just wished he was like Howard sometimes. Maybe it would be easier to hate his guts instead of these conflicting emotions running through him.

Hate and indifference, understanding and then back to hate. It was tiring.

Fuck.

So Tony took the seat next to Odin and in silence they grieved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW Sexual abuse- only mentioned
> 
> So what do you guys think about this chapter? I tried to give the kids a bit of complexity despite not being a major focus of the story entirely. I especially love Jör and Hela’s contrasting nature and Sleipnir’s chill personality. Fenrir‘s mannerisms and way of acting is based on my cousin who happens to have autism and hates touch.
> 
> Also I never wrote about the sexual abuse because I personally feel super uncomfortable writing about it in detail.
> 
> As always feedback and criticism is always appreciated. Thanks for being so patient with me and I hope you guys are all staying safe and well too!


	29. It Felt Like Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dealing with Loki’s children is utterly exhausting, but it’s nice to share some moments with them as they wait for Loki to wake up. He’s envisioned their reunion multi role times, but this awkward and stilted exchange was not what he was expecting at all.
> 
> Things were better, but why didn’t it feel that way?

As day turned into dusk, it felt like night came just as silently and slowly. It was getting late, but no one was willing to leave Loki's side, Tony included even through his body was aching to go to bed. It felt like this day had gone on for far too long.

The healers had Loki under an induced coma until the majority of his wounds healed. Paired with his Jötun healing and Asgard's medical advancements, it shouldn't take as much time as it would for a human. It was just maintaining a close eye on his seidr to make sure it didn't get dangerously low that it starts to drain him - seidr burnout - or extremely high to the point that his Seidr explodes. Admittedly, they didn't know what would happen if it did get that high. So now they just had to wait. Loki was bathed and changed into loose medical garbs and he was already looking so much better without all that grime and knotted hair.

It was way past midnight and it was only Thor and Tony by Loki's bedside. Everyone

else had already gone to bed. Jör had been the first to knock out and no amount of shaking could rouse him. Thor carried him to the room he had been sleeping in for the past week and Odin, looking ready to drop, gave a quick squeeze to Loki's arm and let himself be guided to the same room that Jör was staying at.

Not that Tony didn't have any spare rooms, but Thor didn’t want anyone sleeping alone when things were still fresh in their minds. Besides, Tony could see the underlying concern in Thor's eyes for his father. Odin was looking really drained and getting worse everyday.

The only real issue was convincing Hela to go to bed. Fenrir could barely keep his eyes open, but wherever Hela was, he remained. It took some manipulating on Sleipnir's part, but playing the role of the older fragile and sickly brother just wanting to rest tugged on Hela's heartstrings. It was strange to see her be such a mother hen when she has such a nasty bite with the sharpest of teeth. Mama bear might be a better term now that he was thinking about. In the end, it worked and Sleipnir was forced into rooming with Hela and Fenrir.

It was silent now and Tony's eyes felt heavy. He could fall asleep like this, just by Loki's side with his soft breaths and the sound of the steady heart monitor. One of the two healers came in periodically, switching between themselves to check on Loki. Thor was running his hands through Loki's now soft hair and carefully braiding the same strands of hair for the past hour now.

Unsure of how Thor might take it if he were to hold onto Loki's hand, Tony just smoothed out the sheets and watched silently, head cradled in his arms. Thor was humming something, the same tune as that lullaby he had heard Loki sing once. It felt like forever ago now.

The humming stopped. "He doesn't wanna admit it, but he loved it when people would touch his hair." Thor murmured to the quiet room.

Tony made a noise for him to continue.

"Not everyone of course…" He could only describe his tone as wistful. "Our mother used to run her fingers through our hair as children and we'd fall asleep to her voice as the breeze from the water outside filled the room."

Tony peeked up at him. Thor's eyes were half lidded with exhaustion, but he wore a bittersweet smile.

"Then it was just Odin, ruffling our hair and then Sleipnir purposely yanking at it to mess up the effort the maids worked so hard to groom, and then Sigyn and Ang-…" Thor trailed off. "Well. I suppose it doesn’t really matter in the end. Lovers come and go, but he has you now." Figures. It was bound to come up, especially now that they were alone. Tony's mouth went dry. He only smiled in response, not at all angry or upset. "I will not give you that grand speech about taking care of him and so forth because I have no doubt that you only hold only his best interest in mind."

"How?" Tony asked flabbergasted. "You didn't know I was in contact with him until recently and just today you found out I love-… aha." His face felt warm all of a sudden and Thor's stifled grin was knowing.

"That you hold romantic feelings towards my brother?" At his face flushing even more, Thor laughed softly. "No I didn't know about that, but your love was always so apparent and so painfully obvious. I'm just disappointed that I had not seen it sooner."

"So…" Tony drawled out. His gaze slowly landing on Loki's peaceful expression. "None of that older brother shovel talk.”

"No. I'm just trying to give you advice." Said Thor. "My brother is not perfect and I'm sure you know that, but his pain is all that he sees. Controlled by fear, betrayal, and anger… " He swallowed. "He's going to get worse before he gets better."

"Yeah. I had a feeling he would." Tony whispered.

"Tony." Thor leaned over the bed and grabbed Tony's hand and placed it over Loki's. It was a move that had Tony looking up at him wide eyed. Thor let go and leaned back, the implication so loud and clear for him to see. "You've been his biggest advocator and he trusts you. I saw it in his face. He's going to need you even if it's just to hold his hand and let him cry or rage."

Tony nodded and squeezed Loki's hand. He cleared his sore throat and tried to wipe the moisture form his eyes subtly. "We should probably get to bed."

"I know. I just don't want to leave him alone." He sighed. "I know you don't either so I assume you'll be sleeping in here?"

Tony opened his mouth and then closed it. Thor probably needed this more than he did. He shook his head. "No it's fine. I'll give you some space to think. Besides, you haven't seen him in so long." Unlike him, Tony saw him last night and he'll see him tonight too.

"Thanks, my friend."

"Let Friday know if you need anything."

Friday sarcastically answered. "Yes because I offered."

Thor snorted. "It's fine, I don't need anything. Thank you, Friday." He turned to Tony. "I'll be fine."

The healer came in and Tony took the chance to leave through the open door. His room felt far too cold and empty. It took everything in him not to run back, but he needed rest and he couldn't intrude on Thor. He might've given his support and encouragement, but there's no way that Thor knew the extent of his attachment to Loki.

Tony paused. Loki… would he still want to continue the- well whatever they had?

Did they have anything? Sure they kissed twice, but they never specified what it was that they had. Loki mentioned wanting something between them, but it was unsaid whether it was just because he was lonely or he wanted something with no strings attached. He grimaced. Here he was thinking so far ahead when he just found out Loki was sexually assaulted. He probably hadn't wanted anything like that, he was just desperate for contact that wasn't negative. Desperate for reassurance. He probably didn’t even want that kind of relationship now.

The second his head hit the pillow, his whole body sagged into the bed. It took some time to fall asleep, too worried and put into a bad mood by his own wandering thoughts, but he got there. The thing was, he didn't see Loki that night- as in he didn't dream with him. Not that night nor the next and Loki didn’t wake up for those days either.

Was it because Loki was here? That he was already so close to him? Maybe it was. It would explain the reaction in his arc reactor, but he would have to wake until Loki woke up for answers. Thor probably wouldn't have an answer and he sorta didn't want to ask Odin.

So he patiently waited as the days soon turned into a week. There was only so little time that Asgard could remain without a king and Odin couldn't be on Midgard as he was significantly weaker here. As a result, both Thor and Odin had to leave though it was reluctantly since Loki had yet to wake up.

It did rub some people the wrong way, specifically Hela. She accused them of abandoning Loki and it erupted into a screaming match between her and Jör who defended them. It wasn't a pretty fight and Sleipnir and Fenrir had to wrangle them away from each other.

Speaking of which, that meant Tony was alone with all of Loki's kids and by god he was going insane. They were calm the majority of the time and they really did love Loki, but they were all so young and so full of themselves that they butted heads all the time. Especially Jör and Hela. They were just so different.

He somewhat understood though. Hela spent a huge part of her life in literal Hel, trapped there with her brother for centuries. There was no good influence or positive environment. On the other hand, Jör spent a huge part of his life in good places like Vanaheim, Aflheim, and Earth. Besides, from how familiar Jör was with modern pop-culture and with society now, he had a feeling he preferred Earth. But they were just so similar too. Both too prideful and stubborn to stand down, but both good kids in the end.

Fenrir got on his nerves, but not as much as those two. He was just a very messy eater and so picky with what he eats. Still, Tony thought he was nice. He was organized, had a backbone, and overall was a very patient kid. He can't sleep in the dark without a nightlight and he actually hates being so smothered by Hela, but is willing to put up with it because he loves her terribly. Her and everyone else. He was just an overgrown puppy as he would come to know.

Then there was Sleipnir. Honestly, he was the most mature and calm out of all of them. He was quiet the majority of the time and he hated being alone. He loved watching movies with Jör, hated any sort of subject that involved deep thinking and he was just happy to live a humble way of life. No looking for the meaning of the universe, no learning about how the world worked, he was just content to live in a state of unknowing. It was hard to imagine him as the mischievous kid that Loki and Thor remembered, but it makes sense. Sleipnir wasn't that same kid. He's probably just figuring himself out too and everything is just so new.

Jör and Hela were a nightmare, but Fenrir and Sleipnir, oh they were entertaining put together. Both dry and snappish and the majority of their conversations went a little bit like this. Sleipnir would point something out from whatever he and Fenrir were watching, but he was always so vague considering his poor eyesight. “Don’t ya see it? That one!”

“Which one?”

“The green one!”

But of course Fenrir was colorblind. “I can’t see the color green.” He huffed.

“Just look better.”

“I’m not the one who didn’t see Hela on the couch and sat on her.”

“She’s just exaggerating. I don’t weight that much.”

Fenrir snorted. “Could’ve fooled me.”

It was funny to watch, but they never took it personally. It was never jabs made harmfully, but Jör and Hela didn’t see it that way. Regardless, it was nice to see the two brothers have such light hearted jokes between them and tease each other about the small things. It just meant they were comfortable with one another enough.

They all spent the majority of the time with Loki, reminiscing about old times and sharing stories about their childhood and birthdays they could remember. A human tradition that Angrboda had instilled in them since the Aesir lived too long to celebrate birthdays every year. Which reminded him that his birthday was soon coming up and yet marking another year towards his death. It really set in stone how mortal he was in comparison to them all. They were all older than him by centuries upon centuries.

Ignoring that particular train of thought, it was nice to hear them so happy and to hear so many good things about Loki. It really was a different look from their perspective and Tony enjoyed each and every one. That is until they ultimately started arguing after a detail that doesn't match up and then it escalated as per usual. It would go on until Fenrir and Sleipnir tried to stop it and when that didn't work, Tony or Friday tried to usher them out because it would distress Loki.

Now was an example.

“Mr. Odinson-.” Friday spoke.

“He’s not an Odinson.” Hela interrupted.

“Sincerest apologies, Miss Lokidottir, but Mr. Laufeyson needs a quiet-.”

“He’s not that either.” She interrupted again.

Jör’s voice was scalding. “Will you shut the fuck up? Jesus, it’s like you’re just trying to ruin everyone’s day.”

"Stop it.” Tony snapped before things could escalate. “I’ve had it with all this teenage drama. Either you guys work it out or keep your problems outside of the room.”

Jör stared at him wide eyed, “But-!”

“No buts.” Sleipnir said with a grin. “You heard the man.”

Fenrir put a hand on Hela’s arm to guide her to the door. “No more arguments.”

“You can’t truly be serious. All Jörmungandr does is endlessly antagonize us- antagonize me!” She growled. “Making me out to be the bad guy when all I’ve ever done was worry endlessly over you- over all of you.”

“Hela.” Tony stood up from his seat. “We didn’t mean-.”

“What?” She interrupted. “I see the way you look at me. I have sacrificed everything to stand where I am today. I cared for faðir until his last breath so neither of you had to watch him wither away- I killed people I knew to keep Fenrir by my side, and I did unspeakable things just to meet my father halfway to make sure Sleipnir had a safe passage to and from my end in Hel.”

“And we are grateful.” Fenrir assured.

“But you don’t have to hold it against us whenever we disagree.” Jör muttered bitterly. “It feels like shit and undermines what we say. Yeah I know big words.” He gloated.

Tony frowned. “Seems like theres a few things that need to be said.”

Hela’s eyes watered and she swallowed harshly. “I don’t think-.”

Sleipnir motioned to the themselves. “Look at us. Angrboda woulda been disappointed.”

Her face wilted at that. “Alright.”

They stepped out of the room and Tony sagged back into his chair. Reaching out to Loki’s hand, the weariness hit him completely and he rubbed his eyes. “I didn’t expect your kids to be so exhausting. Or difficult.”

There was a light squeeze and a hoarse voice speaking. “If they weren’t, would they even be mine?”

Tony looked up immediately. Sure enough, Loki was peeking at him with sleep heavy eyes and lips pressed in a thin line.

“Hey.” Tony said dumbly.

“Hello, Anthony.” His voice sounded so vivid and he would never get over the way Loki said his name.

It took some time, but Loki slowly blinked away the grogginess and looked down at both his wrists, pausing at the faint black at his fingertips and then lifted the blanket to look at his ankles. It made Tony’s heart sink as he realized why. He let go of his hand and leaned back in his chair to let Loki process. He cleared his throat and Tony mentally scolded himself at his inconsideration. “You must be thirsty. I sure as hell was when I left Afghanistan.” He turned to pour a glass of water and held it out for Loki to grab. He just eyed it for a few seconds before finally grabbing it, but he didn’t drink it. He just looked at it with a certain look in his eyes. Distrust.

Loki was breathing a little harshly as he slowly ran a hand down his body, seemingly feeling for something, but then stopped abruptly at right before his pelvis. His lips quivered a bit and his jaw clenched. Slowly, the hand hovering over his waist was set at his side as though he couldn’t bring himself to explore further. “Where am I?”

“Home.” Answered Tony. “A makeshift infirmary and two healers from Asgard have been fixing you up.”

He let out a bitter laugh that sounded far too cold. “Asgard would never send her people to help me.”

“No, but Thor would.” He saw the way he tensed up and then the resulting expression of pain. “Take it easy, you wanna sit up?” Friday silently put the bed up at an angle so loki could sit up a bit and he put the glass of water on the side table, not once taking a sip. It bother him, but he didn’t know why he wouldn’t just drink it. He was obviously thirsty. “You’re still healing.”

“Where really am I?” Loki asked with a hint of skepticism in his voice.

“Earth.” Tony frowned. “I mean, shit, where else would you be? It’s not like you wanted to go to Asgard either.”

“You’re lying.” His hand curled into the sheets and his eyes were going wild. Body tense and taught like a bow ready to snap, his breathing was quick, but the rest of him was waiting for something.

“Lokes-.”

The glass fell to the ground shattering on impact with water spilling everywhere. It wasn’t until Loki wrapped his hands around his throat that he saw the distraction for what it was. Comically, the memory of being thrown out the window reared it’s ugly head and the irony that they were here in such a familiar position under much different circumstances was not lost on him. Probably not the best time to remember that, but it still came up as he hit the cold and unforgiving floor and found Loki straddling him.

This wasn’t how he expected having Loki on top of him to be honest, but his humor might just be the lack of oxygen. The ceiling turned blurry and all he could see was Loki’s dark eyes slightly obscured by his tousled hair. Even like this he was beautiful.

But fuck-! He could admire Loki some other time because he still wanted to live. Bracing his feet firmly on the floor and placing his hand on Loki’s neck, he pushed him to the left at the same time as he bucked upwards knowing that Loki wasn’t strong enough to keep his position firm. Losing his balance, Loki’s fell to his side with a pained gasp, but it allowed for him to take a quick gulp of air, before something sharp was pressed at his throat. The broken glass.

Loki was breathing heavily and his weight was completely on Tony’s chest making it hard to breath again.

“You told me my children were difficult- that was the first thing you said. There’s no way my children would be here. Asgard would never allow it.” Tony held his breath as the glass broke his skin leaving the hot sting behind. “You’ve messed up in this illusion too quickly for it to be believable.” He rasped. Tony held eye contact with him hoping that Loki would see reason, but that dark look was far too familiar. He wasn’t seeing Tony. He was seeing someone else. “The water, is it poisoned? Another ploy to get at me?” The huff of laughter was unexpected. “You’ll have to do better than that.”

“Loki,” The movement of his throat as he spoke drew more blood, but the pain was bearable. “Just listen to my voice. It’s me. I promise it’s just me.”

Loki shook his head weakly, jaw clenching. “Stop that.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “I won’t fall for it.”

“Lokes. I wouldn’t lie to you.” Slowly, Tony reached for the hand that didn’t hold the shard of glass.

“Stop moving! I won’t hesitate to slit your throat open.” Lips trembling and frantic eyes spoke otherwise. In a moment of madness, Tony grabbed his free hand, ignoring the way Loki tried to yank himself back, and put it on his chest, right over the arc reactor. It thrummed with energy and heated up with recognition. It was intense, but it felt right. Like something snapped into place, like the perfect piece had finally been put back. It left him lightheaded.

Loki immediately went slack and his eyes shot down to the glow in his chest. The change in his expression was instantaneous. His pupils went dark and lips parted in surprise. Tony whispered hoarsely. “It’s just me. It’s always been me.”

Lightly tracing over it, Loki let out a shaky breath. The scalpel fell to the floor in a clatter. “I’m not hallucinating?”

“Did they make you hallucinate?”

“No. I just never thought-.” He trailed off.

At a loss for words, Tony just wrapped his arms around them, trying not to be too suffocating, but wanting to press himself as closely to the other as possible. His heart was pounding rapidly with longing and twisting in pain for what Loki must’ve gone through to warrant that question. Slowly, Loki embraced him back and the hands on his back were warm and comforting.

Loki hid his face in Tony’s neck. “Is this real?” His voice wavered.

“Yes. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.” Tony’s throat welled up with emotions and he blinked the wetness from his eyes. Sticking to the role of being strong was pointless as soon as tears hit his shoulder.

“You have no idea how reassuring that is. Loki’s voice wavered horribly. “Even when I wasn’t sure you were real, you’ve been my only way through everything that was done to me.”

“Oh Lokes.” He ran a hand through Loki’s hair, brushing out the slight tangles with his fingers while mesmerized with the softness of it. Avoiding the places he knew were bruised and tender, his other hand ran up and down his back slowly and softly. Loki sagged into him, all the tension running out of him until he was deadweight. “You were mine too.” Every word dripping with honesty.

They remained like that, embracing each other like their lives depended on it and trying to memorize every little thing as possible. It was torture just pulling away from Loki to help him sit back onto the bed and avoiding the shards on the floor. Without thinking, he pressed a kiss to Loki’s brow when his affection started threatened to overwhelm him. He pulled away, feeling his own face warm as Loki looked at him with a blank expression.

“Sorry I didn’t think.” Tony blurted out.

Loki didn’t say anything, but the crease between his eyebrows indicated confusion and he seemed lost in deep thought. Feeling awkward about it, he focused elsewhere. Loki must have still been thirsty, but the only other thing he had was his own bottle of water. Well it was better than nothing so he offered it and urged him to drink.

“Thank you.” Murmured Loki, starting to take a slow and controlled sip, before his evident thirst took over and he started downing it like a mad man.

“Easy! Take it slow.”

Loki sputtered and coughed, the tips of his ears burned red. His wheezing sounded frail and weak, but he didn’t point it out. He was already embarrassed as it was. Once he was finished, Tony set it to the side and went about cleaning up the mess they had made, fixing the sheets to accommodate Loki, and continued with meaningless tasks to distract himself. Despite this, he was keenly aware of the stare boring into him. Flushing red with discomfort, his stomach twisted like he was back in middle school. The constant desire to reach out and touch him was the only thing on his mind and he was sure it was clear from his stolen glances.

But he still didn’t know where they stood and Loki wasn’t making it any more clearer. Not once did they mention whatever it was they had between them and Loki did not make any move to initiate anything. Not that Tony was urging him to, he was perfectly content with letting Loki take the reigns , but he just had to know if it was okay for Tony to reach out to him as he had before. He just needed to know if what they had was still mutual.

He zoned in on the strand of hair framing the side of Loki’s face and mindlessly reached out to brush it behind his ear. The act was strangely intimate and Loki quickly grabbed his wrist. “You kissed me.” He said slowly and Tony swallowed nervously, unsure of where this was going. “Just now. Why?”

“I…” He licked his lips and Loki’s eyes followed the movement and he didn’t want to admit how much that affected him. “I just wanted to.”

“Just wanted to.” Loki repeated slowly.

“Yeah.”

They looked at each other for a few more seconds until Loki released his hand and he dropped it to his side feeling cold. It was awkward and strangely tense. Only disappointment remained.

“My children…They really are here?”

“I wouldn’t lie about that.” Tony cleared his throat. “You wanna see the kids?”

“But I’m…” He motioned to himself.

“They wouldn’t care.” He promised. “Those kids adore you.”

Loki’s eyes could say more than words ever possibly could.

Friday spoke softly. “Just notified them, boss.”

Loki glanced to the ceiling in wonder, mouth slightly agape. “Your servant?”

“I made her. She’s an AI. Artificial intelligence.” Tony explained. “She watches over everything.”

“So a Midgardian watcher. Your version of Heimdall.”

“Exactly like Heimdall. But she’s a friend and much more reliable than anyone I know.”

“You flatter me.” She responded dryly. “But if I may, it’s definitely wonderful to see you awake and well prince Loki.”

He seemed sincerely touched and comfortable with her presence. “Thank you. And Loki is fine.”

“Noted.”

The door knob jangled furiously and there were sounds of a struggle from behind it despite it being unlocked.

“You guys better not be bumping uglies!”

Fenrir groaned. “Now is not the time, Jör.”

Loki gripped the bedsheets tightly, expression laden with anxiety. They all tumbled in, Hela and Jör first, both with red rimmed eyes and puffy noses from whatever they were talking out. As soon as their gaze landed on Loki’s teary smile, the waterfalls started spilling over their cheeks. They were quick to run to Loki’s side and smother him in hugs and tears that was completely reciprocated. It was bittersweet.

“The second we leave, you wake up? That’s so unfair.” Jör murmured into Loki’s shoulder.

Loki’s laugh was caught between surprise and a sob. He pressed a kiss to Jör’s brow and Jör moved away to Tony’s side to allow for Fenrir to take his place. The kid squeezed in besides Hela to give Loki a quick hug before pulling back. Feeling like he had overstayed his welcome, Tony tried to step out, but Jör grabbed his hand and pulled him back to Loki’s side with a watery grin.

“You’re a big part of this family too you know?”

Tony didn’t know what to say, but he stayed in stunned silence.

Loki reached over to lightly brush over Fenrir’s cheek. “I missed those eyes of yours.” The smile he got in return was bashful and Fenrir shifted out from the touch. Loki took no offense to it, but he seemed happy that Fenrir had allowed for some touch at all.

He then raised his hand to Hela’s mask. “May I?” He asked and she nodded. Slowly and tenderly, he removed the mask and set it on the bed besides him. His fingers traced over her cheeks and he didn’t flinch away or show any disgust when his hand turned into that cool color that Tony had come to adore. “You look lovely.” Loki said and the tension seeped out of her all at once. Loki traced over her face with as much fondness as he could. It felt intimate and a big step for the both of them.

Tony lips pulled into a small smile. He rubbed her shoulder and tried to convey as much comfort in his gaze towards Hela. “Let your brother see him too.” She nodded and allowed room for Sleipnir who had been quietly waiting by the door.

Sleipnir slowly made his way around the bed. “Loki.” His face, though blotchy, was teasing.

“It’s ‘father’ you old mare.” Loki retorted with a smile as Sleipnir made a face at that. They embraced each other for the first time in ages. Loki took his time carressing his face and burning them into his mind. Both full of tears and happy grins, it was enough to make him shed a few tears as well. It felt like home.

The thought took him by surprise, but he found it no less true. He had quickly come to enjoy their presence and with Loki here, it filled up the empty tower that had felt abandoned for far too long. Loki was his home and it was about as true as his adoration for the man. He wanted to see that smile every day of his life.

It wasn’t a bad thing thought. He actually welcomed it. He wanted it. He wanted Loki and everything he had to offer. He would wait an eternity for him if he had to. Loki was it for him.

The healers came in with a knock and quietly checked over Loki to make sure nothing was looking bad. As they calmed down, the room was soon filled with happy smiles and nostalgic memories of a time long past as well as what they were up to now. Hela and Fenrir wanted to explore the other realms and Jör was content to live out in Earth for the time being. Sleipnir on the other hand mentioned his interest in living in Asgard and helping with the changes that were happening.

The mention of Asgard was a sore one and Loki shifted uncomfortably.

“It’s changed a lot from what I’ve heard.” Tony mentioned.

“Yes, as I recall from our meetings.” Loki told him.

Jör eagerly chimed in. “Oh, but you have no idea what else has changed! You’re practically Earth’s future hero! Everyone’s dying to know where you’ve been and Tony’s really stuck his neck out to change your reputation.”

Loki glanced at him.

Jör continued despite Tony’s motions for him to stop. “He went to Jötunheim for you, traveled through Hel, is largely hated by the Aesir population cause he defended your honor, and has been doing everything to make sure you’ll be met well here.”

“It wasn’t much.”

“Tony Stark? Humble?” Jör laughed. “Don’t deny it. You’ve been my dad’s number one fan this whole time. Advocating for you, talking about you- he practically worships you. I mean after all, he did confess to-.”

“Aha! That’s enough of that.” Tony stood up from his seat. “Are you guys hungry? Cause I’m hungry. I’m just gonna go grab something- do you guys want anything? You know what, I’ll just bring some for all of us-.”

“Anthony.” Loki briefly touched his arm and Tony jumped at the sudden touch. Loki’s face quickly went guarded as he removed his hand, but his tone was calm. “All is well. Don’t worry about us. Tend to your needs first.”

Fuck. He didn’t mean to jump, he was just startled. There was no way to take it back now and he didn’t want to draw attention to it infront of the others. All he could do is nod and quietly step out. As soon as the door closed, he pressed his face in his hands.

What the hell is he doing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go! He’s finally awake, but Loki’s not gonna be okay right away. He’s been through a lot and it’s gonna take some time for him to get better. But please, let me know what you guys think!
> 
> I’ve been thinking of rewriting and shortening chapters because holy crap I’ve written so much, but the story feels like it’s yet to begin even when I have the end in sight.
> 
> I’ve also been thinking about getting someone to proofread - or essentially an editor cause I’ve been juggling school and work. Like to take out unnecessary parts and fix grammar/ spelling, and what not. Tbh I don’t know how that would work and I’m still a bit unfamiliar with this site so we’ll see.
> 
> But as always, I’ll see you in the next chapter!


	30. Like Father like Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dealing with the aftermath of everything was easier said than done. He knew he had to say something, but Loki had pushed down everything since the day he was born and he would continue to do so until he eventually breaks. And breaking might just come sooner than he expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the ending note, you will not regret it. Thank you!

Loki was happy to oblige the suggestion of rest, but it seemed nearly impossible. Awakening from terror-stricken nightmares that left him unable to discern reality from memories and slipping away into a discomforting sleep during the soul forges left his days feeling like a blur. A blur of soreness in his throat from the constant screams and pricks of needles jabbing him with some medication that left his pain feeling muted as well as everything else. Occasionally, his exhaustion would allow to him to blissfully drift into sleep bare from any nightmare until the next check up.

As he would drift away into oblivion, his damned personal guard would wave his gloved fingers at him bathed in red with pale dead eyes as he stood at the door with a grin that promised things to come. Why now had he decided to torment him? He had never shown his ugly face until now.

A hallucination no doubt, but he looked very real.

With a pounding headache and a very battered body, he felt rushed to get better despite the comfort of the numbness. The healers eased his transition into health slowly and Loki found not one meal missing. He much preferred eating the dry and “recommended” chalky food and washing it down with water over the previous nights of starvation and days of eating revolting and unidentifiable scraps from the floor.

Still, his paranoia was very much prominent despite knowing it was unreasonable. His assailant was proof of that. He had more than enough evidence that he was safe- Anthony’s arc reactor for example and the shifting from his skin color to blue when he caressed Hela’s Jötun face-, but it still left him with nerves nonetheless. It tainted every comfort he received.

His meals felt like lead in his stomach and his constant panic would eventually cause the food to rise back up. There was barely a time when he wasn't accompanied by someone and he hated his visible weakness. He would spend his time with his children quiet and unresponsive. He drowned in his paranoia, waiting for something to happen, just watching the door to where he hovered. He could barely hear his children's concerned voices beyond the muffled buzz. It would even taint his moments with Anthony wondering what exactly his savior wanted from him. After all, there was no way he had spent so much time and resources on him just for one sided conversations, cleaning up Loki's vomit, and dealing with his mental instability.

The fact that Anthony didn’t even initiate any contact like before or bring it up once was itching at him. Was it all a figment of his imagination then? It couldn’t have been. It had felt so genuine, but Loki couldn’t admit that it scared him to make the first move. He felt like he didn’t have the right. Not when he was like this and definitely not anymore.

The physical contact in his sanctuary was one thing- that him that was in there was untouched- the one outside, however, was a different story. There was not one inch of him that wasn’t defiled by his guard's debauchery. The healers knew of it- he could tell in their faces- and would have told everyone about it. About all of it. That was the only explanation as to why Anthony was so adverse to making any sort of contact with him. Another bout of headaches cut his inner thoughts short.

Eyes swollen and mind numb from whatever leftover medication that was still in his system, Loki tried not to sleep as Sleipnir spoke.

They were the only ones in the room seeing as Anthony and the kids agreed on taking turns looking over him after one too many arguments sent Loki into having a humiliating meltdown. Besides, being the center of attention while essentially shackled to the bed was among the last things he wanted. This was better and he got the chance to really spend time with them in short and bearable increments.

It was nice. Too nice. He was just waiting for the axe to swing down.

Still, he wanted to interact and offer something to the conversation to prevent any more worry about his aloofness. So he focused on his son’s voice. It was low and calming now as opposed to his prepubescent pitchy voice that he remembered. It left him feeling bittersweet about not being able to see him grow up into the man he was today. That feeling turned into a vile bitterness in no time and he tried to ignore the giddy ridden expression the ghost wore in the corner of his room as he fed off his emotions.

How ironic that he escaped his clutches only to start seeing him everywhere as soon as the cover of safety was draped over him.

Sleipnir moved his arm, hand phasing through his ghost's form without a second glance as he continued talking. He couldn't see him, no one could. Only Loki. Sleipnir went quiet and it took Loki a few seconds to really notice. When he opened his heavy eyes, unaware that he had closing them to begin with, to look at him, he wasn’t exactly prepared to see the guilt ridden expression he wore. Eyes watery and lips pressed thinly together, his tan hands clenched the bed sheets anxiously.

“Why didn’t you get rid of me?” Sliepner asked. He continued with a small stutter, his voice thick with emotion. “You- You were so young. I don’t think I could’ve. I don’t think I would have kept a child.”

Loki pondered on what he would say for a few seconds. Back when he was in the midst of it all, feeling abandoned and left on his own, he had been so full of rage and revulsion towards no one, but himself. If he hadn't been so flawed, he might've been spared from so much agony. Now he knew it wasn’t true, but the pain was still there.

Even as a boy, he had felt the brush of neglect and loneliness. He had childishly believed that a child - his son - would be the one thing they couldn’t take from him. So he kept him a secret and was so determined to have him without understanding the consequences. The warmth and adoration of someone else was something he had been desperate for and who else to give it to him if not a baby? Loki only wanted some semblance of warmth and it was for that selfish reason that he had brought Sleipnir in such a cold and unforgiving world.

Then he realized that he couldn’t do that to Sliepner. In the end, he had been abandoned. Perhaps not abandoned at birth like himself, but slowly over the years they had been torn apart by both willing and unwilling participants.

It wouldn’t be what he wanted to hear. As far as pretty truths went, it was a pathetic one at that.

“I admit, I was terrified." Loki started. What an understatement. “I was so happy at the same time about having you in my life that I didn’t think things through, but I knew that with you I wouldn’t be so alone. I refused to see what a child in my life would do or the difficulties that came along."

Sleipnir wiped his nose with a sniff. "I know. You hated me." He whispered. "You never wanted me around. It's why you left me with Mother- I mean your mother."

It hurt to hear, but looking back at it he could recall numerous times he dumped Sliepner onto his mother and disappeared for long periods of time. He was just tired and he was still a child. He grabbed Sleipnir's face so that he had no where else to look but at him. "I never hated you. Being a child myself, it was ridiculous to believe I could properly take care of you. I did a lot yes, but I did so many things wrong. I didn't have the patience and I left you with my mother whenever I had the chance. There's a reason we don't have such a parental bond."

“I know you regretted having me then, but do you still now? Would you have changed things if you could?”

Loki reached out to him, pulling him into a strong embrace. “Sliepnir. What happened- it was horrifying, I don’t ever wish for that to happen again. I don’t think I could go through it, but I couldn’t fathom living in a world without you. It would not be the same.” Loki whispered.

The resounding laugh sounded wet and bitter. “No one would know if I had never been born.”

“But I would. I know it.” He pressed. “I would feel the emptiness and the wrongness that your absence would create. I know how it feels to hold you within me and I can’t bear to forget any of it. So you see, I won’t make a choice because there is no choice to make. Things happened and there is no point in thinking ‘what if’ and such. Things were not all bad though. I got you in the end, didn’t I?”

“Yeah. Yeah you did.” He sniffed.

They spent the next few minutes in a peaceful silence before they pulled apart. By then, Loki was incredibly exhausted and it wasn't long before he was eventually pulled into a restless sleep just the same as any other nightmare ridden one. Still too on edge to properly rest since he awoke from the coma, he never stopped waiting for the sound of a weapon dragged along the wall.

The next time he awoke, it was to the sound of the door opening and soft whispers only an hour later. He groggily opened his eyes to see Anthony shifting in the seat by his bed. His ghost nowhere to be seen. He wasn't sure if he preferred having him in his sights or not at all.

Shifting, Loki winced. Norns, he was uncomfortable. The bed was nothing more than a solid rock.

Just watching him struggle to find a good spot, Anthony let out a breathy laugh that was absolutely wonderful to listen to. It was small and seemingly insignificant, but Loki could feel it deep within him. The comfort and the joy. The pure adoration that filled him was terrifying. Yet, this moment, so private and something shared between only them was something he didn't know he could have.

"I'm sorry it's not Asgard's level of comfort, but hopefully you'll be moving into a normal room soon." Anthony’s face was slightly apologetic, but not at all worried about it.

Loki snorted. "Believe me when I say this bed is the best I've had in years solely because it's not Asgard's." He sat up and it took a couple of seconds to realize that Anthony had yet to say anything. In fact, it seemed as though he was struggling to say something going off the slight clenching of his jaw and furrow in his brow. "It's perfect, Anthony, but I don't think you wanted to talk about that."

"Yeah." He cleared his throat. "I let Thor know that you're awake and-."

"No."

"What?"

"No." He repeated. "I know what you're asking and my answer is no." Loki looked straight at the door wishing he could just stand up and leave without any consequence, but that just wasn't the case. He was still confined to the limitations of his body. What a sight he must make. Weak, frail, unable to protect himself from all the horrors that had befallen him. It was one thing for Anthony to save him, but having Thor and Odin of all people come to his rescue was simply humiliating.

He watched that video multiple times after asking and pleading with Friday to show him the footage of when he arrived and by Norns did he detest how he looked. So incapacitated and feeble in comparison. He must have been the laughing stock the entire time. He himself laughed at the irony. Odin who banished him to Jotunheim for what Friday explained as a poor attempt at both discipline of prior offenses and closure was the one who brought him to safety cradled in his arms.

Just like when he was brought from Jotunheim. What was he to do, but laugh? Now they wanted to see him? Loki will not tolerate them pretending to care now.

“Okay.” Anthony gave up. “I’ll let him know.”

“Does anyone else know I’m here?”

He knew that they had been looking for them, but he had never really known why. Until now. Thanos. Of course they would have never looked for him unless it was for something they needed, but he couldn't let that train of thought go unchecked. It was then and this is now.

"Well… as much as I would’ve liked to keep you hidden from the world, it wasn’t possible." Anthony sighed. "Apart from your brother and Odin, who are still here and spending time with your kids, Shield still has tabs on me and of course all that bifrost activity from when you came drew some attention. Natasha was sent to check up on me and I let her in forgetting that the kids would be in the living room."

"Ah."

"Yeah. So when she walked in to see Fenrir scavenging in the kitchen and both Hela and Jör were sitting on the couch in pajamas - stolen from my wardrobe by the way- it wasn’t hard to put two and two together."

"So Shield knows?" Which in turn would mean the rest of the world would know.

"No. I convinced her to keep quiet until you get back on your feet. But it's up to you." Anthony rubbed the back of his neck. "She’s gonna tell Barton though.”

Oh. "I assume he's going to want to talk to me." It wasn't such a surprise, after all he and Barton had a strange sort of bond. Indeed it was not healthy or even normal, but he had a certain type of fondness for the man. Small, but still there. He helped him. Tended to his wounds with a solemn expression and a comfort that hadn’t entirely been faked. Despite all that Loki had put him through, he truly hoped that the man wouldn’t have died in the long run.

“Yeah.”

“Very well.” Loki agreed easily. “When he’s here, I will talk to him.”

He nodded. “Do you… how are you doing?”

“Fine.” He looked at his wrists only to cringe at the scars still marring them. “I’m doing well all things considered. My health is quickly improving, my Seidr feels stronger every day, my children are doing well… I can’t complain.”

“You can though.” Anthony assured. “About anything. About the stupid bed, about the food, about what happened… you can talk about it with me.”

“No.” Loki said abruptly. Talking meant reliving it and while he knew it was a bad idea to suppress all of it, suppressing it was the only thing he’s done. He did it back when he found out about his true heritage, did it after Vali and Narfi’s deaths, and after his first tumble with Thanos.

Of course all of those instances ended up with him losing it disastrously bad, but he didn’t know any other way. This was what survival entailed for him. Alone forever in his suffering because no one could possibly understand what it was like to go through what he had. It was reliving death over and over again. His sense of space and time was warped until his self and mind was shattered.

He felt unable to relate to anyone, couldn’t attach himself or even understand them. He had trouble empathizing with them even when he knew he should. His sense of invulnerability was broken down and his place in the world was utterly destroyed.

But he had Anthony in that place and Loki had been so for any type of contact that he attached himself so quickly to him. In a place where his offender became the center of his universe that he latched onto, he began to search for any meaning in the brutal nightmare he had undergone. It had to be for something.

It had to. There was no way he was forced to suffer and withstand so much pain just for it all to be for nothing. That he had gone through that just because they felt like it.

Anthony’s face dropped and it was only because Loki knew him well enough to recognize it.

Movement from the corner of his eye alerted him to his ghost's presence, leaning against the wall with a sweet grin. As Loki focused on his presence, Anthony’s voice was steadily drowned out. With every pained call of his name, the ghost smiled wider.

The next day brought Barton. Admittedly, he wasn’t expecting him so soon, but it was welcome.

Friday had been talking to him since the crack of dawn after another horrible nightmare that left him emotionally numb and too tired to shed anymore tears. She had asked if he wanted her to call someone, but a lack of response had her turning up the lights to a soft glow and she talked about anything. Her voice a soft lull, she explained the intricasies of her programming and spoke in a way that had him relaxing and slowly grabbing his bearings. He didn't speak, but she didn't seem to mind. It was scary how much adoration he could feel from her end despite being nothing more than a voice in the ceiling.

His ghost that had wrapped his hands around Loki's neck faded with every passing second that he let his paranoia go. It had to have been sometime around nine in the morning when Friday stopped talking and said that Barton was outside his door. "Let him in." He winced at the state of his voice.

The door slid open and Barton looked like a wreck. Hair mused, morning stubble, and bags under his eyes, it was as though he had just rolled out of bed. "Loki- oh fuck." He was quickly making a beeline for Loki's side and Loki hated that his bottom lip started to quiver. Finding the strength to push himself up, Loki threw his arms around Barton startling the poor man. "We going right into the cuddle fest?"

"Barton."

"Okay, okay." His laugh was partially a sob. "You don't know how happy I am to see you. I thought I was crazy."

Loki could return the sentiment because unlike his children, Anthony, or Thor, Barton was different. He wasn't family, he wasn't a romantic interest, he was simply a friend. Like Skadi, Barton had been by Loki's side during one of his less finer moments in life, but unlike her, Barton and Loki had been one. Sharing a tormented mind, patching Loki up - not by the mind stone's influence, but by his own desire to help him, and an unlikely bond made through pain.

He hadn't crossed through his mind too much, but Barton felt like a friend he couldn't really have. Not after everything. After all, Barton had stood by the rest of the avengers with an expression of pure hatred as ashes of their precious city gathered around him.

But as much as Loki wanted to spend time with Barton, Barton's presence brought unpleasant news. Shield was pushing Tony for information and for a way to contact Thor. The ever looming presence of Thanos was nearly suffocating now. He was getting close and people were starting to feel it. With every word Barton spoke, his back felt clammy, his heart pounded so hard he was sure Barton could hear it, and he felt nauseous. Outside, he knew he was the perfect picture of indifference.

Unfortunately, with every increasing moment of panic, his tormentor grew closer and closer to him until he was breathing down his neck.

The conversation eventually came to a stop as Barton's time had run out. "I guess we'll have to cut this short. Sorry man."

"It's alright, Barton." Loki bit through gritted teeth. "Your presence was very much welcome."

"Mm." He narrowed his eyes slightly and then nodded to himself. "I need to meet up with Natasha, but I gotta use the bathroom first. Would you mind guiding me, Friday?"

"Of course."

Barton's resulting smile was meant to be comforting and he left with a promise of seeing each other soon. As soon as Barton left, Loki spoke aloud to distract himself from the ice that had gathered on the metal he had been desperately holding onto.

"Friday?"

"Yes, Loki?"

Loki had to yank his hand free, but the cracking of ice was too loud. There was laughter behind him. "Where are the others?"

"The healers are briefly in Asgard for more herbs and should be back in the next hour or so. Your condition was stable enough that it was possible to leave you for the time being."

Good. That meant the healers wouldn't be able to sense that he was moving.

"Boss is conversing with Natasha whilst Barton is still making his way down the hallway to the nearest restroom." Loki was already ripping the UV from his arm, but he stood up too fast and he stumbled to the door. He squandered the rush of dizziness. "Loki, you shouldn't be moving around, especially on your own."

"Where are the others?" He paused before hastily adding, "Don't call anyone. I can move just fine."

He could feel Friday's disapproval, but she told him anyways. "Hela and Fenrir went out for some fresh air about ten minutes ago with Jör as their guide. Sleipnir is sleeping in his room."

Which meant that neither Thor nor Odin were here. With it being Hela's turn to spend time with him this morning, she must've assumed Barton would be spending more time with him so her presence wasn't necessary yet. For the first time since he's awoken, he is completely alone- save for Friday.

Opening the door, he stepped outside. The white shirt given to him hung off his bony frame and his sweats - Anthony’s - hung off his hips loosely. It wasn't the first time he was moving on his own, but it was different making a trip to the restroom with someone by his side and another to be completely walking on his own to the kitchen. There was a limp in his gait, primarily by the same leg that had undergone so much damage, and his bare feet felt warmed by the floor. A glimmer of reflecting light on the floor made him realize his feet were leaving hints of melting ice in his wake. If he looked back, he knew an empty stare and lustful smile would only greet him.

He wasn't even sure what he was trying to accomplish. Independence? Space? He wasn't sure. He did want to avoid the widow or Anthony as they would only ask questions, but surely some actual food would be fine. Besides, he could take the time to actually see where he was being held at - to find all the possible exits. Each room in the hallway led to common rooms, an office, a library - which he wouldn't mind looking into - , and hopefully what seemed like a kitchen at the far end.

“I really can’t hold this off for too long, Tony.” A smooth and familiar voice echoed down the hallway and only got louder as he grew near. “We’re running out of time and if Loki can help us in any way, we need him now.”

Loki paused before the entrance and leaned back against the wall to listen. Anthony had been keeping a lot from him in regards to what was really going on outside, but he didn't need to be coddled. He needed to know. He wanted to be prepared if anything arose.

Besides, Thanos' presence was important to him. He couldn't just ignore it.

He could feel Anthony’s presence despite not seeing him and just knew that he was pacing around the kitchen and that it wasn’t soothing Anthony’s nerves at all. In fact, he could feel that it made him all the more anxious. Ah… that was new. “He’s not ready, Nat. Whatever happened to him is still too fresh and recalling things to help us could only hurt him more.”

Loki pressed his lips together and a sour taste filled his mouth.

The woman was scarily quiet. The silence drew out for too long and right when Loki started to think it was a bad idea to be here, she spoke once more.

"Tony."

With a sudden idea, Loki allowed the ice to gather in his hands, small enough that it could be unnoticeable, but enough to see a reflection. He held his hand out to the entrance and felt a wave of seidr burn in his fingers until a small illusion was cast. He would have masked himself completely if he wasn't afraid that it would backfire as it was still too weak.

He did it just in time to see her place a hand on Anthony’s arm only for him to recoil. Subtle enough that no one with a sharp eye would notice, but Loki did and he knew she did too. She didn't seem bothered by it though.

"I understand trauma about as much as you do. You know where I come from, you know what I’ve been through. You and I aren’t so different and neither is Loki.”

He stared back at her in defiance. “Our tragic backstories aren’t the same.”

“No, but trauma is trauma and it stays with us forever.” She admitted. “For some people, talking about it can be healing, but I know it might not be for him.” She stood up from her seat. “I don’t want him to suffer any more than he already has, but I also don’t want to risk precious time waiting on him to talk if he doesn’t have anything we can use.”

“You make it sound so artificial.”

“No.” Her pretty face pulled into an irritated frown. “I’m trying to give you and him an out. If he doesn’t want to help then I won’t force him. I’ll tell them there wasn’t anything we could use and we can move on. They’ll have to get through me first to get to him so don’t think I don’t have your back.”

“And Barton?” Anthony asked. “I know he and Lokes are having a heart to heart, but I’m sure he’s waiting on him to come and help out like planned.”

“He’ll understand. He cares about him too you know, but I’ve gotta admit I don’t really understand why.” Nat paused on her way out. “Just think about it. If he doesn’t want to, it’s okay.”

Anthony seemed to make sense of it, but a sigh made it clear that he didn't think it was as straightforward as she made it out to be. "Jesus, it would be so much easier if Loki would just talk to me about it"

"Tight lipped huh?"

He frowned in response. "I don't want you talking to him."

She rolled her eyes good naturedly, but something about it sent a shiver down his spine. She seemed as though she were kidding yet not.

"No." Anthony stood up straighter. "I mean it, Romanoff. I know we're on better terms, but I don't want you trying to pull things out of him."

Her expression softened. "Contrary to popular belief, I don't like to antagonize victims. Loki or not, I don't think anyone deserves to have gone through what he's gone."

"Why?"

"Because I don't judge people on their worst mistakes." She focused on a chipped nail and ran her thumb over it with disdain. "Barton didn't do that to me and he didn't do that to Loki. Who says I can't do the same?"

Loki had heard enough. He moved to turn around, but a bloody gloved hand landed on his shoulder and he felt his whole body freeze. The ice in his hand sharpened into a dagger and he swiped at him, but the ghost ducked away with wide eyes.

"Shit! Loki, what the hell?"

He blinked a couple times and the ghost washed away to reveal a startled Barton.

“You-?” His vision blurred and nausea gathered in his throat. Loki collapsed onto the floor with his sweaty back pressed against the cool wall now frozen over. The icicle rolled away from his hand, choosing to ignore the stupid gloves that Barton wore that had made him panic so. Hyperventilating, the sound of his thudding heartbeat was loud in the hallway. Barton reached out, worry etched into his face and Loki flinched away. "Don't touch me." The ever present phantom touch of hands holding him down, tearing into his flesh, and invading his very being was there.

He could see the figure at the end of the hall, wringing his own gloved hands.

It took only a few minutes for Tony to rush through the entrance to find him pathetically crumpled against the wall and hands shaking so much it was hard to disguise his terror. "I'm sorry." He breathed out. "Must've lost my way to the kitchen." His voice betrayed any attempt at sounding calm.

Hands carefully outstretched to him, Tony crouched down before him. "Can I touch you?"

He nodded and let himself be pulled up to his feet. Tony held him almost protectively and away from prying eyes, but there was only so much he could do. His vulnerability was apparent to all those around him and worse, visible to the analytical gaze of miss Natasha Romanoff.

She took one glance at him and then motioned for Barton to follow her. "I think it's time for us to go." Barton quietly nodded. She caught his eyes and with as much compassion she could display, she spoke softly. "Get well, Loki." There was no lies in her tone, but then again he had been wrong before.

Unable to deign her with an answer, he simply bowed his head. He let himself be guided away. They were both silent the entire time.

The next couple of days went in a similar pattern. Seeing the same concerned faces over and over, he grew tired of their constant prodding. He was fine, couldn't they see? It was wearing him down horribly. He loved them all, but he absolutely detested being treated in such a way. Like he was fragile, like he would snap.

Fenrir was quiet and Loki admired his calm collectedness, but there was that look in his eye whenever he thought he wasn't looking. The wariness and the unfamiliarity. It was as though they didn't know where each other stood and while Loki would have loved to reassure him of their place, he wasn't sure how. He didn't really care to either. Too caught up in his own indifference, he didn't even really understand why it was a necessity. Loki didn't have to spell it out. Perhaps he would have lamented their distance at some point, but as long as he was safe and alive, Loki couldn't be bothered with anything else. Fenrir would be fine. They had never been close to begin with.

Angrboda had understood the boy. He probably missed Angrboda more than he had Loki.

On the other hand, Sleipnir talked too much about the past and Loki didn't really remember a lot of it. It had become a blur if he was being honest. It made him detest those stories, knowing that Sleipnir would see the best in them where he would only taint them with his trauma. It always left a bitter taste in his mouth and he hated that he was relieved when his eldest would leave. He hated it.

Then there was sweet Jör who replaced the deafening silence of the room with enthusiastic stories and nonsensical jabbering, trying to talk about anything else other than the obvious. Loki tried to keep up, but he simply couldn't understand. The world outside seemed too complicated, too unnecessary. Why did it matter what shirt color was appropriate, what customs were considered strange- why did any of it matter? He couldn't make sense of any of it and as soon as Jör realized that Loki didn't really care, his enthusiasm grew strained and his smiles were forced.

"You know at one point you would have understood." Jör said once. "You were always so good at reading the room and charming your way through life."

"Charming my way meant my survival back then." He croaked. His next words were spoken with a hint of hysteria. "Perhaps I realized it wouldn't do me any good after they ripped out my tongue because of it." It was cruel and sadistic yet Loki burst out laughing, but Jör didn't. He didn't bring up anymore stories after that and Loki didn't ask him to either.

But where Jör was loud and energetic, Hela was not. The exact opposite actually. She wanted him to speak rather than talk about herself. Question after question, fixing his posture, asking for more blankets, more pillows, more water - she asked about his day, about what he was feeling, if he needed anything else. He appreciated her efforts, but didn't want them. Didn't know how to accept her attention actually.

"You think I'm annoying." Hela said softly.

"…No."

"You hesitated."

He closed his eyes and breathed out slowly. "I didn't.” A blatant lie. He wasn’t even trying to hide it. “I'm just tired."

"Do you want me to-?"

He interrupted her, ignoring the flash of hurt cross her face. "No. I'm fine, just dim the lights would you Friday?" He rolled over on the bed, facing the wall and ignoring the ghost sitting mere inches from him lazing about casually.

"Of course." The lights dimmed and Hela remained silent. Eventually she cleared her throat softly and sniffled before the sound of pages filled the room. He thought it would encourage her to leave, but no one ever did. No sense of privacy or space until night fell and everyone had to go to their own rooms respectively.

Peeking over his shoulder, he saw her firmly seated on the uncomfortable chair and reading a large book silently. In the palm of her hand, a small glowing orb hovered providing light only to the passages she was reading. Lips pulled down, nostrils flaring a bit, she shakily wiped away the tears from her face. Had he not turned around, he wouldn't have known she was crying.

He looked back to the wall, unsure of how to comfort her. After an hour or so, he was just barely on the fringes of sleep when she spoke. "I just missed you." Her voice was a whisper and it seemed like she didn't really expect him to hear her. "We all did and now you're here, but not really." He clenched his jaw. "You're like a stranger now. I suppose it was just stupid to think you would be the same as before. Still hoped though." The sounds of pages turning followed him into his restless sleep.

When he awoke, Anthony was sitting on the edge of the bed looking at his tablet and typing away. His eyes were heavy with sleep and purple bags hung underneath. He looked like a mess. Loki cleared his throat and his eyes snapped towards him. He looked disappointed and Loki glanced away to avoid seeing it. "Bout time." Anthony answered. "Was starting to think you were gonna start ignoring me too."

Loki stayed silent.

"Oh not talking are we?" Anthony snapped. "Fine. Let's see where that gets us. You can't stay quiet forever."

"What do you want?"

He scoffed. "Are you serious? I came here to talk to you because I don't think you really know what you're doing. I thought you'd be glad to be here, to be safe, but you refuse any help, you prefer to heal on your own. I mean your magic is getting better, I'll fucking give you that, but you're not doing anything to actually get better."

It was too early to think and Loki couldn't even begin to understand what he was saying. Sitting up, he rubbed his eyes and reached over to the glass of water hating the dry feeling in his mouth. With a flick of his fingers, he freshened himself up and lightly ran his fingers through his hair to untangle it. An actual shower would be heavenly, but the healers didn't want him washing away any herbs they had given him to promote healthy Seidr flow. "I'm fine."

"Bullshit." Anthony threw his tablet onto the seat and stood up. Loki didn't want to admit how much that made him tense up. "You say that you're fine, but you don't act like it. For the god of lies, you're pretty shit at it." Turning his glare onto Loki, the expression dissipated quickly and Anthony wilted. It was only then that Loki realized his knuckles had gone white from his grip on the bedsheets and his breathing was ragged. He must've looked ready to bolt. He forced himself to relax, but Anthony looked at him with a knowing expression.

"I know you're not okay, but why lie to me?" Anthony asked. "You've gotta know that none of us expected you to be perfectly fine, but when you didn't let us in, we didn't know how help you." The way that he was talking sent off red flags.

"Where are the others?"

His lips pulled down. "Fenrir and Hela left this morning and Sleipnir left with Thor when he came to visit again yesterday. They took all their stuff.”

Loki's heart dropped into his stomach. He wasn't sure what filled him - rage? Betrayal? Hurt? Maybe it was a mix of all of them and his seidr rolled under his skin angrily. "Get out." Ice froze underneath his hands and completely engulfed the wall to his side.

"Stop pushing me away."

"Please!" His voice cracked.

"And leave you like this? Absolutely not." Anthony frowned. "I'm not leaving you. Jör's still here too. If you want I can bring him or even Odin-."

"He's here?"

"Odin? Well yeah. Thor and Odin come every day for an hour to see you, but since you said you didn't want to see them, they spend that hour just checking up and spending some time with your kids." He winced. "But since Thor had to take Sleipnir back to Asgard, it's just Odin visiting."

Loki stood up from his bed and stalked angrily to the door. How dare he act like he cared, after everything he's done he had the gall to act like a worried parent? He did nothing, but ignore him and now he wanted to see him? Act like the doting father who worried over his son's health, Loki would laugh if he didn't find it absolutely infuriating.

"Loki." Anthony stepped infront of him, but Loki could feel the ice underneath his feet crack and when Anthony exhaled, his breath was a visible fog. "Please don't do this. Not like this. You're not thinking clearly and I don't want you to do anything you're gonna regret."

"Get out of my way, Stark."

"It's Anthony, you blue asshole. Let's not go back to formalities." Still, Anthony moved to the side and Loki opened the door - his hand, sure enough, was a pale blue and steadily getting darker with every second. He couldn't bring himself to care. Anthony followed after him, begging him to just think about what he was going to do and to go back and rest, but Loki's had enough of rest. He's done nothing, but lay in the bed the whole day sleeping and practicing things that should have been second nature.

Jör was in the living room with Odin and the second he saw him, he stood up with wide eyes. "Dad, what the hell are you doing standing up?"

Odin glanced upwards, face tired and wrinkles more prominent than ever, and unlike the rest of him, his gaze was sharp. What a sight he must make. Looking as inelegant as a former prince could be in Midgardian clothing with scars marring a lot of his visible Jötun skin, he must have been quite a shock. The tense seconds stretched out and eventually Odin's face softened and he smiled. "Hello, my son. You look better."

"Oh boy." Tony cursed under his breath.

"Dad you needa-"

"'My son'? Are you serious you old bastard? After all you've put me through, you have the audacity to call me son?" Loki hissed. He stepped forward only to be stopped by Jör's arms, but even Jör looked wary of touching him. It hurt more than he’d like to admit. "And now you’re here, trying to absolve your guilt from the knowledge that you can’t just make up for things that have long passed. It’s over. What happened has already happened and there’s no way of fixing any of it.” His voice turned sharp and low, but brimming with fury. “I. Meant. _Nothing_ to you. My _children_ meant nothing to you, you had not one shred of affection for anyone besides my mother and you wanted nothing more with them as you did with me."

Odin retorted with just as much anger. "I will not have you accusing me of such blatant lies. I loved those children dearly and I loved you just as much."

"Is that so?"

"It is the truth." He affirmed. "There's nothing I wouldn't have done for them and for you."

"Nothing except actually loving us." Loki’s voice cracked. “I absolutely _detested_ you. The nights I went to sleep entertaining the countless vengeful fantasies to make up for the deep disappointment and self-loathing you instilled in me. Because I was nothing more than an inconvenience, an annoyance, a pawn and a _monster_ living underneath your roof.”

Anthony had stepped back, an understanding look on his face and Loki was internally grateful for that even if he was too overcome with anger to show it.

There was blood in his mouth from how hard he was biting the inside of his cheek. All Odin ever did was deny and deny it he did, why was he to believe it would be any different now? "You were never a father. Not to me, not to Thor, and you were definitely not a parental figure for my children- so don’t you dare act like you are one now!” He was screaming now. “You have the audacity to come here and act like a few apologies are enough to make up for every thing you’ve done- you’re a coward! An ignorant old fool! More of a king to his sons than a parent!”

Odin pressed his lips together and cast his gaze away.

“You realize that you can’t just delegate or abdicate the past- you can’t do that as a father. And now you and Thor took my son from me?! What more can you take from me. I’ve given you everything as all I ever wanted was to please you, but it was never enough. _I_ was never enough!”

"But I was proud." Odin responded. "I was always proud of you."

He laughed in his face. "Proud?! You call that pride? What about now Odin?" He stepped forward and gripped his arm. "Are you proud of me now? Well? Are you? Tell me how proud you are!"

Odin grunted in pain and Loki looked down to see his hand had burned through his soft clothes and his hand had gone red very quickly. He let go hastily and stepped back horrified at what he had done. Tony reached out to steady him, but Loki had already done enough damage and he pulled into himself, not allowing anyone to touch him.

"Shit." Jör ran to Odin's side and offered him a shoulder to rest his weight on. "Let me look dammit." Odin waved him off with a grimace.

"I'm fine. Please look at me, Loki."

He refused.

"Look at me." When he looked up, there was no expression of anger, but his lips were pulled thin with a grim tone. "I am proud of you and the man you have become." He ignored Loki's shaky scoff. "A better father than I ever was, you didn't conform to what Asgard wanted and already that alone makes you a better man than I. It was not my intention to hurt you, to raise you in a way that would bring you only self-loathing and resentment and I will no longer make excuses for it as much as it hurts me to hear it. I am so sorry, words cannot explain how deeply apologetic I am about what I have done and not done.” Odin was trembling from the cold, pain, or from the painful words he was speaking. “I love you, my son. I just hope that one day you can forgive me."

"Go to Hel." Loki wouldn't cry. He wouldn't. Odin has ignored him, made him feel insignificant and worthless and his words were spoken to deaf ears. It was like he was… like he was Sleipnir. As if he was like Jör and Hela and Fenrir. He was shifting the blame to Odin to remove the guilt of what he had done to them. So desperate to get rid of the pain that his children’s absence has created, he cast it out on Odin in an attempt to project his own fears away. He was just as bad a father as Odin was because if that weren’t true, his children wouldn't have left him. They wouldn't have been driven away because of his inability to be there for them. Everything he hated about Odin was something he had done without realizing. That's why things were the way they were.

"You've gotta breathe, Lokes." Anthony was talking to him, trying to calm him down, but Loki wasn't calming down and his breathing got even harsher when Anthony tried to grab him. "Okay no touching. Breathe with me. Just follow me." His eyes were glossy even if the rest of him seemed firm.

He couldn't breathe. He couldn't feel his face and his limbs were tingling. His ghost was whispering into his ears, encouraging and pulling him into that black void. His emotional distress fed into it until there was nothing else to be seen.

"Loki, just follow me-."

One harsh breath and then his eyes rolled into the back of his head as he collapsed onto the floor. Faintly he could hear his son's panic-struck voice calling out for him and hands over his chest before sinking into unconsciousness.

The next morning brought a horrid migraine and a scratchy voice. The healers were quietly working to not wake Anthony who was sleeping rather uncomfortably in the seat next to him. His head lolled to the side and he was sure to wake with a painful ache. His heart swelled with a fondness that he tampered down. Instead he focused on the healers applying a new layer of herbal ointment to the scars that were fading, but looking to leave a couple of nasty scars behind.

He hated it. He hated being coddled like this. He wanted some semblance of control in his life again, but what could he do? He lived in a tower owned by Anthony, the healers were sent by Thor, the meals he hate were all part of the Healers path to healthy eating habits. He had a schedule to abide to with people by his side at nearly every moment of the day. Now it was just Jör and Anthony and he wasn’t sure what that schedule looked like now. Still, the point was that he didn’t have any power or any control anymore.

Losing himself into a train of thought, Anthony’s pained groan was the only thing to bring him out of it. With a stretch that resulted in a pop, Anthony splayed over the couch and rubbed his hand down his face. His eyes were still drowsy, but at the sight of him, his mouth cracked into a smile.

“How you doing?”

Loki opened his mouth and then closed it. There was something he had control over. Knowledge. And it seemed like a lot of people were after what he knew. He could control that. His mouth began moving before he realized it. “The ship they held me in was large. At the base was the controls filled with heavy machines and their weapon power was a feat to be marveled at.”

“Wait what?”

“I know it’s layout, inside and out. The majority of Thanos’s ships were built the same and if I know one, I know all of them.” He sat up in his seat and motioned for him to slow down, but Loki ignored him. Even as a sweat gathered on his brow and his mouth grew heavy and fear gnawed in his stomach, he pushed through. It would be easier to talk about it and get it over with now so that he wouldn’t have to repeat himself later. Friday would record him. He knew she would. “There are three layers. The top is dedicated for prisoners. Prisoners of war, experiments, and prisoners who had yet to succumb to the incentives of becoming a soldier.”

“You don’t have to tell me anything.” He urged.

“I thought you wanted me to.”

“Not like this.”

“I know.” But truth was he didn’t know what Anthony meant by it. “But I’ll do it.”

They were at an empasse for a couple minutes and neither of them were backing down.

“Please just let me do this.”

“Fine.” He shook his head. “Friday, call the others and tell them to come here.”

“No. We’re going to them.” Loki didn’t let his voice waver. “We’re going to Shield.” Because whether they wanted it or not, they would all see his face. He was done hiding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aight wassup my lovely readers. I’ve seen your comments and I’m so happy to see them. Im sorry i haven’t posted anything, but it has been a hell of a month.
> 
> I got Covid and so did all my family lol (I’m laughing to cope with the pain) and I had to take care of my parents cause they were really bad and i had to take them to hospital a few times. Yikes, but they’re alright now. We’re all fine now lol. I just haven’t been able to smell or taste for the past three weeks.
> 
> But because I had to assume the role of the caretaker of my four siblings and parents (being Hispanic you know how it be) I got behind on schoolwork and am trying so hard to catch up.
> 
> Also my uncle was found dead in a ditch in Mexico after he’s been missing for 2 years cause he got in with the cartel and stole drugs since he was an addict.
> 
> My brother’s friend overdosed (she’s alive) and they found her phone where my mom found out my brother had been smoking weed and doing shrooms with her.
> 
> Also found out the my “friend” wants to bang my brother.
> 
> My therapist told me I might be asexual or aromantic which makes sense cause I don’t like penis or vaginas which is ironic cause I’m writing this story.
> 
> Also my toe got infected and they had to remove part of my toe lmao (it hurts so bad)
> 
> My birthday was also on October 31st and I was supposed to go to Vegas but couldn’t cause i got COVID.
> 
> All of this wasn’t in the exact same order.
> 
> It’s been a wild month. This is is the last chapter I had written so Imma try to get the next one out as soon as possible. Also if anyone wants to volunteer to be my editor or whatever hit me up cause I did want to take out unnecessary writing and shorten how much words I’ve got (also my sleeping is absolutely terrible). I really have no idea how all that works so whatever. Well see ya’ll next chapter!
> 
> Please let me know how ya’ll feel about this chapter (or about your lives idk, ya’ll can vent) I am a whore for comments.


End file.
